My 7 year old daughter may have outed me!

[ambower]

So, here's the story. My daughter, who has known about Amanda since birth, went on a sleepover with a classmate from school last night. I was at work, so my wife had dropped her off. I got to pick her up from the sleep over at 10 am this morning as my wife was busy. I had just gotten in the door and finished saying hello to everyone when my daughter's classmate says, "Do you wear a bra to bed at night?" I replied, "No" in a casual voice although it kinda threw me for a loop. I do wear a bra to bed every evening. She let it go as I tried to get my daughters stuff together. It took another ten minutes to get everything together and finally leave.

Some background, the parents of the classmate are still living together with her and her little sister. The mother is bisexual and is in a relationship with another girl. She told her husband about six months ago that the marriage wasn't working for her. He's since also found a girlfriend (very recently).

The husband was at work apparently and the new girlfriend of the bisexual parent didn't show any sign of putting two and two together about what the classmate said. She was the only adult within earshot at the time.

So, once we had made it back home, I talked to my daughter about it. I said that it was in her best interest to keep dad's private things private. She agreed and said she was sorry. My wife and I had both gotten a little blaise' (sp) about CDing because our daughter had never really objected to Dad in girls clothes. She's asked both me and my wife individually about it and we've given her honest answers that we had both agreed to, but it didn't seem like it was an issue.

I'm chalking it up to little girls trying to outdo each other with what they think are wild stories. "My mom's a lesbian", "My dad wears bras to bed". I don't know for sure. My wife is going to bring it up with her in a couple of days. It was very unexpected for both of us. We've agreed that we have to reinforce the privacy aspect more often with our daughter. Being outed doesn't really affect me at work or home, but it could affect my daughter at school. That is the point we are trying to get her to learn from this experience.

And finally, I couldn't make this sh!t up. Man, it's fun being a CD with kids.... I may take a while to reply to this thread as I'm at a shift change at work and I don't usually have time to check things here when I'm on dayshift. ttfn

[sissystephanie]

Amanda, that is why my late wife and I never told our children about my crossdressing. They only learned about it last year when I told both of them. Of course they are grown up now, and accepted the fact that I could dress as I pleased, only not around them!! That is fine with me!!

[Cynthia Anne]

I have mixed feelings of letting young children know! Although what you are doing I think is fine! Protecting your child is the most important thing you can do! I comend you for that! Hugs!

[Erica Lauren James]

My kids have known since about the age of 7 and 5 when my ex wife and I separated for the first time. My daughter has told a few of her friends and nothing has changed. My son has pretty much kept it to himself except when he was in grade 2 he made an announcement to his entire class that "my dad is a crossdresser" So I then had to have a chat withe the teacher but I don't think any of the classmates had any idea what he was talking about.

The way I look at it is that they are growing up with a broader sence that people are different and that you should accept people for who/what they are, so it is my belief that it has made them much more non judgmental of others as well as accepting and will help them in their adult lives.

[linda allen]

Anyone who knows can use it against you. Or, let it slip even if they don't mean to hurt you. I remember a friend's teenage son one time talking about his brother, His comment - "Oh, he's a crossdresser." I don't know if it was true or not, but this just casually came out of his mouth in the middle of an unrelated conversation.

[Inna]

I am sorry to be blunt, and of course everyone's privacy is a paramount, however be very careful not to stifle young girls spirit by telling her that living with secrets is OK. You have done a wonderful job by exposing Amanda to her and letting her know that diversity is fine and actually people should embrace it rather then look upon it with critical eye. But now telling her, even though in her "Best Interest" to keep this a secret, makes the first point mute.
I know the pain of pretense and secrecy, it drove me to suicide. Not the road I wish on anyone, I too have protected loved ones from the news and drove my self to the edge by it. Then when I finally revealed this secret, those who loved me, showed me what true love feels like, the feeling I never knew and thought it didn't exist. You are in the predicament, on one hand you want the best for your doughter on the other you need to protect her like every mom would. Show her that truth is the only way to go on in life, that little lies and secrets make for a heavy baggage of burden to carry around looking behind your shoulder at all times.

Maybe this is the time, you your self should face such truth and allow this secrecy to vanish and dissipate in truth and wholeness, instead of putting this burden on your precious girl.

I am sorry if these words are strong and hurtful, I would never mean to cause pain to anyone, but I am writing from my heart and as I have learned truth may hurt but such is the best hurt any one can feel, in the long run, truth always prevails.

All my love, Inna :)

[TxKimberly]

Funny I should see your post this morning. last night we celebrated my daughters eighth birthday and she had a couple of little girls over for a sleep over. My daughter has known for about a year because I refused to lie to her when she kept asking me over and over about it. Anyway, much like you, I had warned my daughter that in her own best interests, she wanted to be very careful about who she shared that with, because there ARE people in central Texas that would hold it against her. Anyway, each of the little girls got a little bag of odds and ends that included half a dozen little nail polish bottles, and so of course they were all out in the living room painting nails when I hear my daughter telling them "Yeah, my dad lost most of his toe nail once and he STILL paints his toe nails!!" (I had dropped a heavy panel on my toe with predictable results)
My first thought was that she clearly didn't get the part of our conversation about not telling others. My second thought was "TMI definitely too much information!
I STILL haven't decide if I did the right thing by telling my daughter at such an early age. What do you think about yours? Do you ever think that maybe you shouldn't have? It's a tough call, but in the end I just couldn't lie to my little girl - the one that looks up to me and expects me to teach her right and wrong, and how to have honor and integrity. I just couldn't do it but I'm scared to death that maybe I should have . . .

[ChrisP]

For the most part, children can't keep other's secrets, nor should they (except of course in extreme duress, like wartime, occupation, etc).
It's an undue burden for your daughter to keep this secret after you've been open about it with her.

The best you can do is explain how many people are not accepting of your dressing up, and that you don't want her to feel excluded or out of place by your behavior.
Kids talk to other kids. It's the way of the world

[kimdl93]

I agree that young children aren't really equipped for deciding what they can or should say in a particular situation. (That's also true of some adults too).

My guess is that in this particular household, the information shared by your daughter will not go very far. Its sounds like they have plenty of other topics for conversation!

[Gillian Gigs]

My mother used to say,"little pictures, have big ears". If you do not want your children saying anything that you just said in front of them, then don't say it in front of them. We should not place a burden of secrets on childrens shoulders, most adults have a hard time keeping secrets. Children need to be left in their innocence, they will have to many years as an adult to look back at the to few years of innocence.

[ambower]

Well, an update after the first school day after the incident. The classmate forgot about the whole thing. For now anyways.

We were hoping that our daughter would keep her dad's CDing private until she got to the age where she could defend herself verbally if needed. Her school has kids from junior kindergarten all the way to grade 8. She can out me all she wants. I can take it. Been through a lot worse than what kids (or their parents) could do or say to me. We were really thinking that if it's kept private she would have an easier time at school.

As far as regretting letting her know about Amanda. Sometimes, we both wonder. Especially yesterday! But I couldn't take the lack of Amanda time if we had kept it hidden. It was a decision we made together and have stuck with, pandora's box is wide open. I'm not asking her to lie about me, just to not volunteer the information. If someone asks, she can answer honestly and we'll deal with it. I was just hoping it would be when she was a little older.

I have a CD friend who has teenage kids and they are supportive and protective of their parents identity. I'm thinking it's a little easier to understand the gender spectrum as a teen more than a 7 year old.

I appreciate all of your thoughts on this. It helped me a lot just to be able to write about it. Thanks.

[Loretta]

You're her parent.
It's very good of you to bring up your daughter in a way that makes accepting alternate lifestyles much easier.
You were very composed, and handled the situation well.
Congrats!

[Daphne]

All I can is ooops! But I do agree with the gist of what most people here are saying. It is a tough decision weather or not to tall younger children, however I do have to disagree in part with what ChrisP and Kimdl93. Yes some kids and adults can't keep secrets, and yes there are some situations where it is inapropriet to have that information slip out. What I don't agree with is the notion that all kids aren't equiped to decided that. Kids can be pretty resouseful if they put thier minds to it.
In regards to telling young kids about it, it's up to the parent in my opion. It is also up to the parent to make sure the kid "UNDERSTANDS" why that information has to be kept secret, and what the possible remifications might be. Only then will they have to tools to know how to handle a situation like the sleep over. Just my :2c:

[CynthiaD]

I don't think it's possible to dress at home and hide it from your children. My children are all grown, and from disussions I've had with them as adults, it's clear that neither my wife nor I had any secrets from them, regardless of what we may have thought at the time.

I'm also not in favor of "deep dark secrets." I've been through that and found it to be unproductive at best, and destructive at worst. Some things are private, and are not to be discussed outside the family. But if someone slips up, it's not the end of the world.

[Rogina B]

My 9 yr old daughter[only child] even goes to the grocery store with "Aunt Rogina"...She told her first grade class a few years ago that her dad "collects tights and stockings...has lots of colors" . I don't think you should dwell on this as kids have so much on their minds that move so fast. Laugh it off.

[Rochelle]

Whew!
This is a very hotly debated topic in our house at the moment. I only recently came out to my wife and I am so thankful and lucky that she has been understanding and supportive to an extent. As I stated in my introduction I went through a period of CD euphoria after coming out, brought all my femme cloth in from the shop, shaved, painted nail, the whole nine yards. One of the ground rules for acceptance was a very strong demand that I not dress in front of our daughter. We currently feel it’s a bit much for such a young kid to try to understand. So I have tried to be careful about my cross-dressing in front of my daughter and when I get a little too close to the line I hear it loud a clear from my wife.
Although my daughter is only 6 she is very bright and inquisitive about some of the change she has seen in dad the past few months. She has picked up on some stuff that I never thought would be a concern. Never underestimate your children! My wife washes all my cloths including my en femme stuff and stacked it all together. It didn’t take my daughter more than a couple of day and she picked one of my garments out of the pile and asks “why is momma’s cloth in dads pile?” Woops! I now have my own en femme dresser and just the other day it gets quiet (always trouble when it’s quiet) and we find her pulling my stuff out of the dresser and holding a bra over chest. Okay we lock the spare room door. I used clear nail polish and she picked up that my fingers were shinny and smooth. I wore short socks the other day completely en drab and she grabbed my ankle and said your legs are smooth like mommas. Not careful enough I guess.
These are uncharted waters for our family and were trying to find some middle ground. I am not lying to my daughter or making up stories, I am just agreeing with what she has observed with no explanation and quickly diverting to another subject. My wife and I realize that at some point were going to have to talk with our daughter about how her dad is different than others dads, but we feel it could be more damaging at this point than good. Until then everything is cool as long as I respect the boundaries.
I did have a nightmare the other night about the family Thanksgiving and my daughter telling everyone over dinner that her dad has boob holder in his dresser. Play with fire and you could get burnt.

[marlaNYC]

regarding telling kids, it seems to be "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. i utterly understand both sides of this discussion, and don't really have any personal inkling as to what's best. my only hope is that the kids don't get taunted/bullied/scorned for being the child of a CD, and that child friendships aren't destroyed by overzealous, uptight parents refusing to let their kids hang out with yours.

my kid doesn't know. when he wants to know, when he asks, i'll tell him. until then, i'm not volunteering such information. that's my perception of what's best for him right now and only time will tell if that's a good or bad decision.

[Rochelle]

. my only hope is that the kids don't get taunted/bullied/scorned for being the child of a CD, and that child friendships aren't destroyed by overzealous, uptight parents refusing to let their kids hang out with yours.


Marla,

This is exactly what our thoughts and worries are about. I believe that our child will be fine with what ever dad wants to do, she is a shining example of unconditional love, but other kids and parents are a huge concern. Everybody knows how crule kids can be. I am hopeful that the world is changing and more acceptance and understanding is being built into young kids. Look at the most recent kids movie to come out "Jack and Jill" with Adam Sandler, here we clearly have a man dressed like a woman and every kid knows it. What's kind of message is that sending? In my opinion and only my opinion religion plays a factor into what children are taught in regards to gender right and wrong. I would fall to pieces if I knew that something I intentionally did harmed my daughter or caused her to be cast out. It's a deep subject that demanded respect and attention. Thanks for sharing Marla.

[Angela2me]

Maybe if you share the book 'My Princess Boy' with the children first and use that as a starting point.
If you only introduce the book and the subject of acceptance between children first, maybe it will make the 'dad likes dresses' subject later a little easier for them to take in.

Angela

[donnalee]

For your children's emotional and physical well-being, they need to be able to understand what is for publication and what is not. This requires discretion, something that comes with maturity. I have known young kids I would trust with this kind of thing and many adults I would not. You will have to use your own judgement, but I would err in favor of not burdening them with too much, too soon.

[Risque_Christine]

The gay community has rightly fought hard to achieve acceptance and understanding, which they deserve along with nearly everybody else on this planet. And, as a result of that civil rights effort, many people now think nothing of it and try to foster tolerance. In many places in this country, you do not have to be closeted or hide who you are if you are gay. Should it be different for CDs?
Best, Christine

[Fran Moore]

But I've always kept in mind that "you can't put the genie back in the bottle". Telling anyone, including your children puts you in the position of being "outed". If it is paramount that you keep your CDing private, I would suggest that a person not divulge ANY information to anyone, including your children. You might have a completely different relationship with a child at age 7 than you will when they become a teenager. Anyone who has lived thru the "rebellious" years of a teenager should be able to relate. I chose not to tell my kids, not when they were younger, and not now when they are adults. My wife is the only person that knows, and she has chosen to keep it a secret as well. I've never felt guilty that my kids didn't know, and I've never felt guilty that I have burdened them with something that they would have to keep a secret, or expose them to any negativity from their friends or others if they were to intentionally or inadvertantly "spill the beans". There have even been a few times when I have questioned telling my wife, as I know it has been a burden for her, and does not view my CDing as a positive part of our relationship. I wish you all the best.

Suzanne