to thine own self be true.

[cassandra54]

that's a motto i've seen and it applies to many things. so here's the deal.

i've seen a lot of posts about cd's tg's underdressers and the like having been found out by their SO's, their spouses and facing ruin by divorce or separation. bad times are ahead for many people when we are outed. but in this particular case, i have two questions.

1. many of us have dressed for all of our lives, if not many years. some of us have hidden it from our SO's or spouses. sometimes it blows up in our faces. point being is we have dressed before, during and more than likely after these relationships. so does the threat of divorce or separation make us stop? even when it affects the lives of the ones we love. probably not.

2. i know some people are not very liberal and open minded. some have different levels or morality and tolerance. but really can just the act of crossdressing tear a relationship apart? let me rephrase that. can the act of crossdressing tear a SOLID and LOVING relationship apart. i am not trying to judge here. my SO is fairly conservative and while she is not narrow-minded, she is not entirely open minded either. she is somewhere in the middle. she loves and accepts me for who i am and doesn't automatically agreee with everything i think of. we have had "discussions". believe me, but she does keep me grounded, so i guess where i am going with this, is the grief that some of us are going through over the loss of a relationship really proportional to the relationship.

i am not trying to cast judgement here, just remember "to thine own self be true"

[Miss Maxine]

That phrase makes me think of one of my favorite Star Trek TNG episodes. The one when Data loses his memory and is stuck on a planet with a pre-warp civilization. I'm a trekkie dork, I know. ^_^

[Shayla99]

Great words lady, and well said, if only it was easy all the time!

[Karren H]

AKA "screw every one else!!". Following that motto to me means your pretty selfish!! Lol. Family first.... Job... If there's any time left over I can claim it as my own.. If not... Fine. Ohh. ice hockey is up there after family. :).

[Shayla99]

I don't think it's selfish necessarily. I suppose it depends a lot on each situation, I think Cassandra 's point, (at least what I got) is we will always be, what we are, there is no escaping it? To try and not be, might do as much damage, as any other alternative?

[cassandra54]

AKA "screw every one else!!". Following that motto to me means your pretty selfish!! Lol. Family first.... Job... If there's any time left over I can claim it as my own.. If not... Fine. Ohh. ice hockey is up there after family. :).

i don't see it that way. i think in life, before you can be SELFLESS, you have to be SELFISH. in other words we need to know what we are capable of sacrificing before we give of ourselves. i've done the same thing many times in my life, where i've committed to a relationship of some kind and volunteered to give of myself only to find i was not capable of doing so. it's kind of like putting the cart before the horse.

[Stephanie47]

"To thine own self be true!" What does that mean? Does it mean I should parade around the house in front of my wife in a dress, slip, heels, makeup and a wig, if my wife does not approve of cross dressing? Does it mean that I throw it in her face whenever I want to? Does it mean she takes scissors to my feminine clothing and shred everything? I've been around for nearly 65 years and married nearly 40 of those years.

If you want to insure your SOLID and LOVING marriage is to survive, there are many other hurdles to get over than just cross dressing. Strangely or not so strangely, the issues that we are in disagreement or conflict do not include cross dressing. After the initial revelations and discussions we entered the "don't ask, don't tell" status quo. The scales of justice or tolerance are in balance. I do not do anything that would upset her, and, she does not make any demands. It has taken forty years for us to get to where we are, and, cross dressing has been the least of the issues.

A successful and meaningful marriage is based on mutual respect, discourse, negotiation and compromise. I think most of the failing marriages are due to inflexibility of one partner at the expense of the other. And, to those who expect marriage to be a continuous state of bliss, you are deceiving yourself OR you're in a master-slave relationship.

I am true to myself and respectful of her. Could things be better in the cross dressing department? Yes! But, things could be better in a lot of other departments also!

[Cynthia Anne]

I like to agree that one should be true to oneself! BUT! How true are you being to yourself if you are so selfish that you don't care who you hurt! There's limits on everything in life! Like it or not! Hugs!

[Intertwined]

I have always understood the phase To thine own self be true to have a completely different meaning...

Be honest with yourself.

If you're not true to yourself you will never be true to others.

"Know thy self"
This is truly what every philosopher has ever sought.
But it is human nature to deny that which we do not like.
Enter the curse of self deception.
People are more likely to deceive themselves than admit a fault, a lacking, a shortcoming, or a deficiency.

Wisdom is knowing first that there is a considerable amount that one simply can not know.

[ReineD]

but really can just the act of crossdressing tear a relationship apart? let me rephrase that. can the act of crossdressing tear a SOLID and LOVING relationship apart.

About fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. I'm guessing this means that in half the marriages, couples don't have solid relationships. If this is true, then it may be safe to say that half the married crossdressers in this forum don't have solid relationships, regardless of the crossdressing.

According to the many articles online about causes for divorce, here are the top ten causes when there is no crossdressing involved:


Poor communication
Financial problems
A lack of commitment to the marriage
A dramatic change in priorities
Infidelity
Failed expectations or unmet needs
Loss of trust
Addictions and substance abuse
Physical, sexual or emotional abuse
Lack of conflict resolution skills


Since many husbands don't tell their wives about the CDing until some years after the marriage, I'd say there would be loss of trust in the relationship, due to the husband's poor communication skills. I'm not blaming the husband here, just saying the CDing was, understandably, something that was difficult to communicate. The wife therefore would experience a loss of trust, wondering what else the husband had not communicated. Also, the husband would experience a dramatic change in priorities over time, which would make him unable to keep the CDing a secret any longer. And it certainly would seem to the wife as if the change in priorities was dramatic, compared to earlier in their marriage. They both might experience failed expectations or unmet needs, if they lack any conflict resolution skills to navigate the crossdressing successfully. Also, if the husband goes through a pink fog, in some marriages there might be financial issues that develop because of the costs involved with the crossdressing. And there may also be infidelity, or the wife may perceive as if there is, if she discovers that her husband has profiles in CD forums or dating sites, even if it is for flirting or in the more severe cases, having cybersex.

I've just listed the possibility of having seven of the ten most common reasons people divorce, and that's not even mentioning a wife's potential dislike of the crossdressing. :p

I'm not wanting to be flippant here, just saying that it seldom is "just because" the husband likes to express femininity.


EDIT
PS. Well said, Stephanie47. It would have been nice if your wife could have been an active participant, but I think you've done remarkably well considering she wasn't. :hugs:

[LeaP]

My conception is this: the highest goal of marriage is the union of two people such that each is enabled to reach their full potential and that the two together are more than the sum of the individuals. When I read responses (seemingly the majority) that immediately go to sacrifice, typically out of spousal consideration, it saddens me. It suggests that neither (not just the husband) is fully actualized, that the marriage is founded on a compromise - a truce, even - rather than growth.

Lea

[sometimes_miss]

but really can just the act of crossdressing tear a relationship apart?

Yes. My wife and I were in therapy, and she made it clear that despite all the other little things, the one thing she simply could not get past was the crossdressing; and had she known I was a crossdresser before we got married, she never would have married me.

[Tina B.]

Being true to one self, that's an interesting concept, But just what does it mean? I don't think it means do what ever you want to do, when ever you want. But I do believe, it means don't lie to yourself about you. Know who you are, instead of telling yourself, your something you know your not, Don't tell yourself you are going to quit being who you are, to be something you are not, just to please others, when you know you can't. Keep up what ever front you want to the rest of the world, but don't lie to yourself, know who you are and deal with it. Dress or don't, tell or don't, make up reasons for others if it makes you feel better, but don't lie to yourself, you are the one person you can't get away from no matter how hard you try.
Tina B.