Are You OBSESSED with Crossdressing? I am, and it is CONFUSING . . . .

[Anne2345]

Since joining this forum back in March, I have slowly but surely become obsessed and consumed with crossdressing (moreso than I previously had been, that is). Although I have been a crossdresser my entire life, until joining the forum, I had not ever knowingly communicated with another crossdresser, or like-minded fellow pilgrim, within my life time.

In so participating here, making new friends, and reading about the thoughts and experiences of the membership, I have exposed myself to ideas, concepts, and possibilities that I had not previously considered. I quickly recognized that the growth and evolution of my femme self, unknown or unrecognized by me at the time, had become stagnant years ago. I have also since remembered parts of my past that I had long ago locked away from the prying eye of my mind. Certain powerful memories in particular, perhaps subconciously kept under tight lock and key for the past two decades, I have since dusted off, removed the cobwebs, and even written about on this forum.

Regardless, I am a crossdresser through and through. The very concept of crossdressing, in fact, and the personal sense of satisfaction and self-fulfillment I derive from the practice of crossdressing, fills a void that otherwise would consume my spirit with discontent, frustration, and disillusionment if I were to deny myself this outlet. By and through the practice of crossdressing, I feel and believe that I am whole, and likewise complete in the aggregate.

In this, the mere, simple act of crossdressing is meaningful and powerful unto itself. This act, however, if substantive meaning is to be attributed, is not possible without the desire and propensity to actually do so. Therefore, both the desire and propensity to crossdress, and the courage to cross the line and go against the grain of society's expecations relating to gender conformity, should be respected and celebrated for the gift that it truly is.

For better of worse, though, I carry both the desire and propensity to crossdress in great abundance. More than that, I have come to experience a sense of urgency and desperation that calls out to me to overtly feminize myself, to become more feminine, and to perceive myself as feminine. If I am not otherwise pre-occupied with other matters, such thoughts deeply permeate my emotions. This very tangible, visceral predilection may very well extend to the root of my being.

I am, however, a male. My body is thus strikingly at odds with this decidely feminine desire and need that recurrently overwhelms my senses, emotions, and needs. Reconciling the two has become more difficult of late, and this is of no small concern to me. My thoughts, in fact, are dominated by the possibilities, or the lack of possibilities (i.e., potential "imprisonment"), or whatever the case may be.

Although I proactively seek out the intoxicating, harmonious, and necessary sense of satisfaction and personal fulfillment I crave through dressing when time allows, I do not always choose to seek out the woman within while in drab. Rather, when she is in the background, she now persistently haunts my thoughts with inexorable whispers of feminine fortunes untold, and teases and seduces me with the prospect of feminine riches and glories yet to be discovered, recognized and experienced.

In this, am I disoriented, bewildered, or spellbound? Am I possessed? Perhaps I am simply lost, and enveloped within a temporary maelstrom of gender confusion. I do not know. And most bothersome of all to me, within the context of this confession, is the fact that I do not know what to make of it all.

Do this even make sense? Do I even make sense? I know the question has been asked repeatedly here before, but what is crossdressing to you? Is it an obsession? Or perhaps merely a hobby to be enjoyed when the mood strikes? Do you have a sense that you are travelling down a specific path, and this path is taking you further and further, deeper and deeper into the world of blessed femininity? If you have followed this path before, did you at some point "level out," and achieve an acceptable balance between the masculine and the feminine? If so, what is the balance that you have achieved, and how did it happen?

[Alice Torn]

Anne, Your writing style is very similar to another person on this site! I won't say who! Beats me why we want to look pretty. It maybe caused by things we can't remember. It may be because we don't see enough prettiness in today's society, and we make ourselves the prettiness. It could be a number of reasons. It is just there!

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I think that my fascination with cross dressing comes close to the clinical definition of obsession. In fact, that's perhaps an understatement, since once upon a time, I was clinically diagnosed and medicated for OCD. Guess it hasn't worked completely, has it.

But, I don't think that being somewhat compulsive about crossdressing makes my desire to express the feminine side of me any less valid. I just think about it and do it a lot more than I otherwise might. The question that I have to ask myself is whether my desire to do so is in any way damaging my life on any level. For the moment, it doesn't seem to be. I'm gainfully employed, I am part of a strong long term relationship, and I have maintained relationships with family and network of friends.

So, then I see this particular obsession as harmless from the larger perspective, and essential for fullfilling myself. Without being able to find outlets for my feminine side, I suspect I'd be less happy, less successful and less fulfilled in other parts of my life. So, maybe this literally is a win-win situation in my case.

[Karren H]

Not any more... But I have my obsessions of the week... This week its corsets. And ice hockey... Last weeks it was my boobs and ice hockey. Next week it will be something else and ice hockey!!. Lol.

[Kathryn Philips]

Anne,

I know exactly how you feel. Many of the things you say ring true with me also. Also, my desire to want to look and dress like a female consumes all my consciousness spare time (which sounds like an obsession...)

[DebbieL]

I didn't just want to dress when I was a kid, I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to play with girls, dress like a girl, act like a girl, and play the games that girls played. I hated going to play with the boys, and really hated when things got competitive and they started calling me a sissy, not because I wasn't a sissy, but because once they started, the sticks, stones, fists, kicks, and pain was about to start. It was "Ouch Time".

In an effort to SURVIVE, I learned to hide these feelings, to deny them, to pretend that I was OK with being a man. But each time I hit one of those milestones in puberty. It was like I was death. I wanted to die, and almost did - several times. I didn't get much testosterone in the womb, didn't get much when I was a kid, and by the time I was a teen, I didn't WANT any.

When my testicles came down, my voice started getting deeper, and I started growing hair everywhere, I felt like I was cursed.

My dad used to say "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". The problem for me, being a girl trapped in a boy's body, becoming a man, was a permanent problem that was only going to get worse, not better. When I wrote for recovery literature, I described my drug use as "Suicide on the Installment Plan".

I would try to get so loaded that Rex would "die", so my feminine side, who didn't have a name, could come out and play. Only years later, when learning to meditate and after coming out as Debbie, did the memories of the things I did in those "Black-outs" come rushing back.

[docrobbysherry]

"U can call me, Ray, or u can call me, Jay, or u can call me, Mr. Johnson." Hobby? Obsession? It matters NOT what u call it, Anne! But, whatever that is, it sounds to me like you're about to fall down the CD rabbit hole!

It happened to me after 11 years of quietly dressing alone in my closet, in a complete vacuum. Then, 4 years ago I went ONLINE! OMG! Dressing madness came over me! When I wasn't dressing, I was thinking about some aspect of it.

The only way I found to control it was to GO WITH IT! I dressed so much I finally ODed! Didn't have the desire again for over 3 months! ( Kind of like attending the SCC last week. I have NO desire to dress rite now!) Since then, I've developed a pattern that works for me.

I strongly recommend going WITH your dressing desires. It's kind of like giving an ice cream loving kid a gallon and letting them eat until they're SICK! Eventually, you'll find out what your dressing tolerance level is! Then, u can figure out a pattern that works for u!

[TGMarla]

I'm sometimes obsessed, sometimes consumed, and at other times not so much any more. I did indeed strike a balance between the need and desire to be feminine and appear as a woman, and my needs in this world that demand me to be my male self. Once this balace was struck, much of the turmoil in my head began to settle down, and I was able to live my life on better terms.

This all happened when I reconciled the fact that I'm never going to transition, never going to pursue being a woman full time, and never get SRS. I recommitted myself to my marriage, and my station in life as my dear wife's husband. It gives me a damn good reason to be a man. I never needed a reason to be a woman; I just like it too much. But the decisions made to not pursue that other path meant that I didn't need to obsess over it any more. So I stopped worrying about it so much. I knew I wasn't gay, I wasn't a woman trapped in a man's body, I wasn't goint to be transexual, and I wasn't overly effeminate except when I crossdress - which is rather often, by the way. So this is all acceptable to me. And in accepting myself, I was able to get away from the terrible obsession of crossdressing, and embrace this beautiful act for what it is: an outlet that allows me to live in a way that both the masculine and the feminine are more in harmony now.

[Debglam]

Hey Anne!

What you say makes perfect sense. I do think that the tendency is somewhat like a pendulum that will ultimately come to rest or close to it. When we first face up to this side of ourselves it is explosive and we want to do it all now(!). The pendulum is swinging like crazy. As we finally start to allow our feminine side to exist, the swings start to decrease. Eventually we find the balance of our masculine and feminine sides.

I've heard others say that eventually they reach a point where they have integrated their M & F sides so well that they no longer feel the need to dress. Frankly, it is too much fun so I hope that I always want to dress. At least always want to go to MAC! :heehee:

Debby

[Miss Maxine]

Hmm...I guess I am. But that would be like saying, "I'm obsessed with being myself." Seems somewhat narcissistic. I dig it! *thumbs up*

[rachaelsloane]

Anne,
Your words make sense and as you further explore your feminine side, IMO, there is a indeed a want to take another step and explore unchartered territory. This does not mean that you are obsessed only that you are accepting of this feminine side and your recent shopping experiences are proof of this.
Always,
Rachael

[Sophie86]

Do this even make sense? Do I even make sense?

Yes. :)


I know the question has been asked repeatedly here before, but what is crossdressing to you? Is it an obsession? Or perhaps merely a hobby to be enjoyed when the mood strikes?

My hobbies are also my obsessions, so there's not really an 'or' there for me. When I get into a thing, I usually fall into it pretty hard and after some period of time my interest wanes a bit. I might drop it completely for a period of time, to pick it up again later, or I might continue it at a level that leaves me more time for other interests. On the bookshelves behind me I have about $1000 in D&D books, the product of an obsession with the game that started some years ago. I still play regularly, but I don't spend all my extra dollars on gaming material, nor all my spare time thinking about the game.

Given that, I haven't been bothered by my recent resurgent interest in crossdressing. I will enjoy it as long as the interest is here, whether that's one year or twenty. That's also why I know it would be silly of me to interpret my strong interest in dressing as evidence that I should transition. That would be like a fantatical paintballer thinking he should join the marines just because he likes running about in the woods playing at war.


Do you have a sense that you are travelling down a specific path, and this path is taking you further and further, deeper and deeper into the world of blessed femininity?

When I was younger, crossdressing was a compulsion, an addiction. I didn't feel like I had any control over the urge to do it. I moved out of that phase when I was in my late twenties. I did it by accepting myself as a crossdresser, and not fighting against the desire. There had been sort of a rubberband effect where the more I felt like it was wrong, the more it attracted me, and the more delicious it was to be conquered by the desire.


If you have followed this path before, did you at some point "level out," and achieve an acceptable balance between the masculine and the feminine? If so, what is the balance that you have achieved, and how did it happen?

I feel like I'm at that place now. I've incorporated certain femme things into my daily life: I shave my body hair, pluck my eyebrows, paint my toenails, and wear panties. About twice a month I get a day to dress up, and I have semi-occasional outings en femme. I was moving towards doing the latter more often, but I pulled back from it because most of the time it meant going out without my wife. The places I feel comfortable going aren't places she cares to visit, and the nights I would go out weren't convenient for her with her work schedule. I would go out more often if I could drag her along with me, but I'm not sitting around pining about it. I just take the opportunities that come up, and I'm happy with them.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Anne, Now that I'm retired it does take a lot of my time.

Orchid

[sissystephanie]

Although I have been a crossdresser longer than many of you have been alive, I have never felt that it was, or is, an obsession!! I crossdress because I like to!!! There is no other reason why I dress enfemme, nor is there anything that forces me to dress enfemme!! I know what I am doing and I am not at all confused by it! If I feel like not dressing, I stop with no problem!! I am a man, and always will be!!

[Cynthia Anne]

Anne my deer! All I can say is welcome to womenhood! I think some of us find a place to say that's enough and can be satisfied! Where others like myself will never be satisfied until we are complete! I hope the best for you in finding your 'spot'! Hugs!:love:

[Kayla]

For me its a rare thing to do ...I like to keep my life balanced... Once in a while I'll dig out feminine garb and have a little fun. But I never really felt the need to go any farther than occasionally shave my legs or apply light makeup. I'm a man normally so its a way of tapping into a different world. Normally I just deer hunt or run.

[Anne2345]

I didn't just want to dress when I was a kid, I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to play with girls, dress like a girl, act like a girl, and play the games that girls played. I hated going to play with the boys, and really hated when things got competitive and they started calling me a sissy, not because I wasn't a sissy, but because once they started, the sticks, stones, fists, kicks, and pain was about to start. It was "Ouch Time".

I do not claim to have gone through the experience you have, but I spent a majority of my teenage years, and my early twenties, believing that I wanted to be a woman. In fact, I was convinced I wanted to be a woman. The only difference between the two of us, apparently, is that I hid my desire better than you did . . . . There was, however, significant pain and confusion attached to the issue. At some point in my early twenties, I somehow seemed "cured" of my desire to become a woman. I will not rehash the details, as I have submitted a post on this in the past.


The only way I found to control it was to GO WITH IT! I dressed so much I finally ODed! Didn't have the desire again for over 3 months! ( Kind of like attending the SCC last week. I have NO desire to dress rite now!) Since then, I've developed a pattern that works for me.

I strongly recommend going WITH your dressing desires. It's kind of like giving an ice cream loving kid a gallon and letting them eat until they're SICK! Eventually, you'll find out what your dressing tolerance level is! Then, u can figure out a pattern that works for u!

As always, Sherry, your words are inspirational and wise in only the manner in which you can convey them! I love you for that, truly! But to OD on CDing? Hmmmmm, that may be precisley the problem! Your point is well taken, but I do not see that ODing is even a possibility . . . . As for your recommendation to GO with my dressing desires, rest assured I AM . . . .


I'm sometimes obsessed, sometimes consumed, and at other times not so much any more. I did indeed strike a balance between the need and desire to be feminine and appear as a woman, and my needs in this world that demand me to be my male self. Once this balace was struck, much of the turmoil in my head began to settle down, and I was able to live my life on better terms.

This is exactly the balance I am seeking to achieve, and yet fearful that I am going to be unable to achieve. Despite all of the "progress," depending on one's definition of "progress," I have made since joining this forum, I am left with the desire for more, more, more. Where will it stop? Will it stop?



I've heard others say that eventually they reach a point where they have integrated their M & F sides so well that they no longer feel the need to dress.

For me, I simply cannot ever imagine this will be the case. I need to wear the feminine wardrobe I have acquired, and will continue to acquire. If anything, I would give up the boring, drab, blah world of male clothing for feminine clothing if it became a viable alternative in my "world" (which it will not). Although I will admit that I really enjoy shopping for really nice, quality men's ties. I am a big fan of Robert Talbott, for whatever that is worth . . . .



Although I have been a crossdresser longer than many of you have been alive, I have never felt that it was, or is, an obsession!! I crossdress because I like to!!! There is no other reason why I dress enfemme, nor is there anything that forces me to dress enfemme!! I know what I am doing and I am not at all confused by it! If I feel like not dressing, I stop with no problem!! I am a man, and always will be!!

I respect your message, and your own personal circumsances. However, for me, it is an obsession. I am without choice. I have been without choice my entire life. Like you, however, I also like to crossdress! In fact, I love to crossdress! And also like you, I am a man. But unlike you, where you are seemingly quite comfortable in your masculinity, I am not . . . . So perhaps that is the problem I "suffer" from, and that which distinguishes our respective life styles and "take" on life . . . . In any event, this is exactly the question I am currently seeking my own specific answer to, whatever that may be . . . .

[Kate Simmons]

The only one we really need to make sense to is ourself. Once that is accomplished, who and what we can become is limited only by our own imagination.:)

[jillleanne]

Do this even make sense? Do I even make sense? I know the question has been asked repeatedly here before, but what is crossdressing to you? Is it an obsession? Or perhaps merely a hobby to be enjoyed when the mood strikes? Do you have a sense that you are travelling down a specific path, and this path is taking you further and further, deeper and deeper into the world of blessed femininity? If you have followed this path before, did you at some point "level out," and achieve an acceptable balance between the masculine and the feminine? If so, what is the balance that you have achieved, and how did it happen?[/QUOTE]

Not an obsession, but rather a need to express your feminine side. You like I , probably possess more fem hormones than others and therefore, need to express your fem side more. Have not levelled out to date and the journey continues. I question not the ride but take full advantage of the ticket price until the ride ends.

[janet1234]

I'm not obsessed, I just like it!

[suzy1]

I am a little worried by your use of the word obsession Anne. The meaning of the word is the domination of ones thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
If you are dominated by the desire to crossdress then it is going to interfere adversely with your life in general. Not good.
What can I say? Get a hold of yourself? I don’t know.
But what I do know is, we have to except that some things in life are imposable to have. And craving them is always a guaranteed way to unhappiness.
Yes, you are a man. You can’t change that. [I know nothing about sex change surgery so won’t comment on that] But like me Anne you can explore you feminine side to a wonderful level.
Can’t you settle down and enjoy what you have.
The balance that you talk about came naturally to me Anne. It will to you as well. Just let it!

Your friend, SUZY

[Tina B.]

I'm not obsessed, it just seems like it. I have never understood why anyone not driven to dress would, if I didn't feel I had to, I wouldn't. I don't spend all my time thinking about it, some times I don't think about it at all, but that's because I'm doing it.
Tina B.

[AKADonna]

Over the years, I have been "hot & cold" on crossdressing. I'll do it really heavily for a few months and then, like a switch was thrown, I lose interest for a while. That has been going on for several years. When I am "on" (like right now!), I can think of few other things and when I'm "off", I rarely even give it a thought! I just go with my feelings and try not to over analyze myself.