Found Out Yesterday, Please Help Me Understand.

[HayleyGG]

I know this is long, I apologize...but please read to the end. I really need advice and I truly want to understand this.


I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 months now. The first week we were together, I found out he lied about something to protect me and not hurt me, and I've been trying my hardest to trust him since then. I've always been relatively insecure in relationships as far as wondering if they're seeing/talking to other women, but I'd say since the first "incident," I've been able to trust him 90% and he hasn't proven to be untrustworthy since then.

Yesterday, on a surprise picnic I planned for him, I borrowed his phone to go to a website I needed while he was napping, and I found what looked like a fetish website inbox in his recent history. I was compelled to see what it was, and I came across a bunch of messages to women saying how beautiful and sexy they are. My heart sank and I thought he was cheating on me or talking to other women sexually. Then it wasn't quite making sense because the messages seemed to be both to and from a woman. It briefly crossed my mind that my boyfriend might be hiding a complete other life from me, but I was so confused and didn't think it was possible. So I clicked the picture from the sender of these emails, and up came a picture of my boyfriend in makeup, a corset, mini skirt, and thigh highs.

I immediately started shaking, I couldn't breathe, and I wanted to vomit. However, I kept my composure and suggested we immediately pack up and go back to his place because I respect him enough to not have "the conversation" in a park.

As soon as we got back to his place, I sat him down and asked him to tell me if there's anything he's been hiding from me that he might be embarrassed about or he might think is weird that he hasn't told me about. He told me that about 4 years back, his ex had asked him to dress like a girl, and he really enjoyed it and that it became part of their sexual regime. He said they were very into bdsm and that they both created a profile on a website. (The one I had found on his phone.)

He said the profile is old and that he hardly goes on it. When I asked why he had been on it just that morning, he said it was because someone had just messaged him. When I had looked at his inbox previously, there had been pretty frequent activity within the last month. I felt so incredibly betrayed and heartbroken that he hadn't told me about this rather important part of his life. He said he thought about telling me a few times but felt that I would have reacted negatively and I felt like he was blaming me for not telling me instead of taking the responsibility of taking the more difficult path of having full disclosure with me and being completely honest with me to create a truthful, honest base to our relationship.

He admitted that he took the easy way out because it was easier to hide it from me than to face the potential issue and regrets that I found out the way I did. I also immediately felt insecure because he did all sorts of kinky things with his ex, and I feel boring compared to that...but he said he's happy with our sex life. I honestly don't know how he can be if he's used to all that, but I have to believe him. I've asked him in the past what he's into and if there's anything he'd like to do differently in bed because I'm very sexually open minded, but he's never suggested anything. His philosophy is that if we don't both enjoy something, it shouldn't be done because there are plenty of things we can do that we both like. My philosophy is that even if I'm not really into something, I'm willing to compromise or do it anyway just to make him happy, as long as I'm comfortable with it.

My point (I swear I'm getting to one) is that this whole revelation is really screwing with my head. I'm very angry about the way I had to find out. I wish it came from him directly, because it wouldn't have been as big a deal as it now is because I feel betrayed, broken hearted, and lied to. While I completely understand his unwillingness to tell me because of the guilt and shame he feels about it, I'm having a hard time differentiating between that understanding and feeling compassion for him, and my feeling hurt and betrayed.

I honestly feel traumatized right now because of how I found out. I think it's similar to your partner telling you they cheated on you as opposed to you actually walking in on them sleeping with someone else and seeing it for yourself. I can't get the image of my boyfriend in a mini skirt out of my head, and every time it pops up, I'm sick to my stomach. This is where I need help.

Do you actually know why you cross dress? Is there a specific reason? What feelings or satisfaction do you get out of it? Is it always a lifelong thing? I truly want to understand why he gets the urge and what he accomplishes by doing it so that I can change my mind about it. He said it's mostly a narcissistic thing and that he loves the compliments on his pictures and attention he gets on the website when someone says he's beautiful. I'll be honest, and please don't be offended because I'm currently ignorant to the whole thing, but as of right now, I hate it. Trust me, I LOVE drag queens, I go to gay clubs and dance with them, put dollars in their garters, tell them they're beautiful...but it's not what I imagined my dream boyfriend to be. I am so open minded about most things, and I think people should be who they want to be...but I'm strangely disgusted because it's my boyfriend...and I hate that I feel this way because this is exactly why you guys hide it for so long. However, please don't get me wrong...I NEVER reacted negatively when I found out, and I would never attack him or ridicule him. *

I am completely in shock right now, it's 7am and I haven't gone to sleep yet because I'm scouring the Internet for answers and information, and I feel like I'm in a dream I can't wake up from. It sounds really stupid, but I guess what I need is for you guys to change my mind. Right now, I feel that it's wrong, that I don't know who my boyfriend is anymore, and that I can't trust him.

He told me he feels like a freak about it and that he's been trying to suppress that side of him. He hasn't dressed since June, and he's never left his apartment dressed. He said all he does when he dresses is sit around watching TV or hangs around his place. I asked how often he gets the urge, and he said about once a month. He said he sold or got rid of most of his clothing because he's really trying to force it out of his life and his mind. As much as I wish this was not a part of him, I also don't want him to be ashamed of something he is. I ESPECIALLY don't want him to stop doing it just for me. I'm trying to be as open minded as possible, and I'm hoping once the initial shock dies off that I'll have a eureka! moment and just embrace it. Though he's made it clear that he's not interested in continuing it, (and I'm afraid it's not because he's no longer into it, but that he feels so ashamed about it to live with himself as he's mentioned he hasn't had any self-esteem for a long time because of his "dirty little secret") and he especially doesn't want to continue if I'm not interested in it.

So can someone please snap me out of this dream and explain to me why some men just enjoy doing this? I really appreciate it and thank you for taking the time to help me.


-Hayley

[Sophie86]

I can't address everything you've written about, but I wanted to point out that it's entirely possible that he at some point became disillusioned with the BDSM thing, and would really rather not have that in his relationship with you. There are a number of potential downsides to it that could actually spoil a relationship.

As for the crossdressing thing, you're entitled to feel the way you feel about it. It's a chocolate vs vanilla thing, and some women just don't have a taste for it.

Different people crossdress for different reasons, and have different goals. Telling you my life story wouldn't help you understand your bf. It might help you understand that crossdressers are not freaks, but you should be able to figure that out just from hanging out here for a few months.

Or not. :p

[Persephone]

Hi Hayley!

Wow! I completely understand your feelings about the way you discovered this! I hope that you will try to understand that it is really hard for your boyfriend to share his feelings and the truth. He likely feels miserable about his need to crossdress, something he's kept hidden and felt lousy about probably for his entire lifetime. And now he feels even worse about not telling you and about how you feel. I'm really sure that right now all he is doing is hoping and praying that you will care for him enough to rescue him from what he probably sees as the worst error and worst moment of his life.

Not knowing your BF it is hard to know much about him, his desires, etc. But the odds are that he is neither a drag queen nor is he likely to be gay. If you read between the lines of most of the posts here you will find that the "average" crossdresser is likely to be a loving husband and a good father, a pretty ordinary member of society. We've got truck drivers, law enforcement folks, college professors, doctors, lawyers, and probably an Indian Chief or two*.

I know 'cause I'm a lifelong crossdresser married to a woman that I've loved and treasured for the past 46 years. I told her, stumbling and haltingly, before we were married, so she didn't have the pain of finding out in quite the aweful way that you did, but given that we grew up back in the dark ages it wasn't easy for her to decide to stay with me and, while I'm sure that there have been any number of moments in which she has doubted her decision, the highs have more than made up for the lows for both of us.

Your BF is probably horribly conflicted by who he is and what he does. He probably has no idea why he is wired that way, and, frankly, after a lifetime of being me I have no idea either. I finally decided that I just am who I am and that the best deal in life is to get past wondering about it and get on with living the best that I know how to live. He probably hasn't already reached that conclusion and may need your help in getting there.

Is there a "cure"? Does it go away? First of all, while it can drive a crossdresser batty to be a crossdresser, in the sum total of life it usually isn't so bad. As a matter of fact, there can be aspects of it that can be a great deal of pleasure for the crossdresser and for his SO. But you have to decide if you are up for it, because, frankly, most crossdressers find that while it ebbs and flows and can sometimes be gone for long periods of time it generally is a lifelong part of their lives.

I don't know if my response has been of help to you. I certainly hope that it has been. But I do know that I understand and that I'm sorry you found out the way that you did.

Hugs,
Persephone.

* - I chose to use the words from the song "Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief" (http://www.google.com/#hl=en&cp=10&gs_id=12&xhr=t&q=doctor+lawyer+indian+chief&pf=p&sclient=psy-ab&site=&source=hp&pbx=1&oq=doctor+law&aq=0&aqi=g4&aql=&gs_sm=&gs_upl=&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=a271f0478f23d1e9&biw=1280&bih=861) rather than "Native American Chief."

[Chickhe]

Its generally not a big deal... the hardest part is understanding that many average people dress up and it can be a lot of fun... just check out the halloween threads or the before and after images. For me, crossdressing was always something I needed to try, when I felt like I was restricteed, the thought, could I do it always seemed to resurface... basically, a few years ago I decided the heck with it, I'm going to do it and learn what this all means to me, I dress on halloween with my wife and otherwise lead a normal existance. I have experienced going out dressed in daylight...it is a great experience and for me I don't need to do that much now (been there done that). Mostly we are our own worst enemies...we are often so scared about being ridiculed for something that is harmless. You will do well to embrace the activity in some way...I mean, have you ever watched a movie with a crossdresser in it...mrs doubtfire for exmaple...did you enjoy it? There are a lot of negative misconceptions out there...basically there is nothing to fear.

[Eryn]

Hayley, You're in shock and the best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself and your boyfriend some time to assimilate the information. Your boyfriend is the same person he was a few days ago, you just know a bit more about him. He's likely scared to death that he has ruined your relationship. Give it a few days, talk to him, browse the forum, and compile more information. There's no deadline on this!

As you can tell from looking over this site, CDers are hardly monsters. We're generally nice people who happen to have a rather unusual interest. As to why we CD, that's a question that most of would love to understand. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer.

You're obviously worried about what this will mean to your relationship with your boyfriend. Your relationship will certainly change, but all relationships change because the people within them change. One thing that is likely to occur is that you and your boyfriend will find communication between you to be much easier, since you have discussed some very deep dark secrets. Where you take that is up to you.

My experience is that my relationship with my wife is much closer than it was before she know about Eryn. She also has a much calmer husband now that the stress of keeping it from her is gone. Life isn't perfect, but I don't think that either of us would go back to the way it was before "the talk."

Once you get 10 posts in you will be eligible to apply for access to the FAB (Female at Birth) forum, a special private forum for genetic females. There you will be able to discuss your private issues with other GGs (our term for genetic females) My wife found this to be a very valuable resource when she first joined the forum.

Hang in there, and don't do anything rash. We're here to help you.

Hugs, Eryn

[paulaloha]

Hayley, I will repeat what Sophie said about every crossdresser doing it for different reasons.

I myself do not really know why I like it so much, but I started doing it when I was 5 years old.

I also want to repeat that crossdressers are not freaks! So many people associate this with being gay or bi or into lots of kinky things. That is so far from accurate %99 percent of the time!

My ex girlfriend was one of two people that I have ever told about my dressing. She hated it and couldn't accept it at all. I still don't know why, but she said that she wasn't a lesbian and could never accept something like that.
Now I would say that she missed the point there, most of us are just guys that enjoy dressing up. I would never want to be anything other than a man in a relationship. But I would still like to dress up like a girl from time to time.

The other person I told was a good friend of mine in college and he freaked out on me and started asking if I had a crush on him and if I thought his butt looked cute or something. He immediately thought I was a gay freak.

So many people react this way! I do not really know why people react this way, I guess it is just being closed minded. But if you look beneath the clothes, we are for the most part just regular joes with a weird hobby.

As for why many men crossdress... As I'm sure you will hear a lot, it is different for everyone. Here are a few that ring true for me.

1. Womens clothes just feel really good. They typically are made of softer silkier materials that just feel incredible on the skin.

2. Skirts are a ton of fun, as a guy that is easily entertained I have literally put on a skirt and twirled around in circles for long periods of time just for the fun of it. They also breathe really well in the lower regions and guys have a little more down there so the extra air flow feels pretty dang good compared to keeping them all cooped up in tight jeans like most guys wear.
And to speak in your boyfriends defense, mini skirts are great!

3. I actually like learning about womens fashions and the things that women have to go through. I think it is usually helpful to have a broad understanding of things no matter what you do. So in regards to having a relationship with girls, I find it helpful. I loved the fact that when my last girlfriend would talk about shaving her legs daily, I could actually relate and know what she is talking about.

4. In relation to the last point above, shaving your legs feels so good! I have shaved my legs on many occasions, sometimes for sports such as swimming, triathlons and biking. I also do it simply because it feels great!
That is one thing my ex was not freaked out by, was me shaving my legs. So I did that once or twice while dating her and the feeling of 4 smooth legs intertwined is something that both of us immensely enjoyed!
So I recommend that you and your boyfriend try that out after you work through some of these issues. He doesn't need to be dressed like a girl or anything. Just throw on some shorts and enjoy the smooth legs. ;)

I could come up with all manor of small reasons I enjoy crossdressing but I think the main one is this.

5. It is just plain FUN! As the song goes, "girls just wanna have fun". Who says that guys don't just want to have fun in a girly way sometimes. After all, we are only separated in our genders by one chromosome in our DNA. So really all guys are half girls anyways if you think about it. Girls have XX chromosomes while guys have XY, so perhaps it is just our X chromosomes wanting to express themselves a little bit.


I just want to comfort you and remind you once again that this doesn't make your boyfriend a freak. You would be surprised to see how many perfectly normal guys are closet crossdressers. From what I hear 1 in every 10 guys is a crossdresser to some degree. And who knows how many more want to try it, but are too afraid of people thinking they are freaks.
I am a 21 year old crossdresser and I am far from being a freak.

Feel free to keep asking us questions here and good luck working all this out!
Just take your time and the answers will come.

If you want to ask anymore specific questions on things I wrote or anything at all you can also PM me and I'd be happy to expound on things.

Good luck to you Hayley!

[DebbieL]

Right off the top. He love YOU!! Not his ex, and not the girls he was complimenting. In fact, the girls might have been boys in cute outfits. The good news, for you, is that when he sees a woman in a beautiful dress, he's checking out the DRESS, not the girl.

He also wanted to minimize the shock for you as much as he could, trying to tell you what he thought you wanted to hear. This indicates that he is willing to give up something that may be very important to him, for you. You didn't react negatively, but unless you told him "Oh boy, that's great, can we go shopping together?", he knows that you are going through your own process. Finding out that your boyfriend or husband is a cross-dresser is often a shock, much like the death of a loved one, or like he had had an affair. It's not the activity that upset you, it's that he wasn't more up-front earlier. Very likely, he tried telling women he was transgendered or a cross-dresser and got rejected, or worse. He wanted to make sure you were worth the risk, and hoped you would love him enough to accept it. He may have tried to give you "clues" and hoped that you were attracted to his more feminine personality (more patient, cooperative, supportive rather than aggressive, competitive, and sexist).

As for his ex, he wanted to filfill HER fantasies and desires, and did so. Now, he wants to fulfill YOUR fantasies and desires, both sexual and romantic. If you can't accept him, he will probably start to lose interest. On the other hand, if you can really, honestly, and fully support him, maybe even encourage him, and let him know that you love him, AND his feminine side, then he will do just about anything you want to make you happy.

You might want to explore his dressing with him. Help him to dress well enough to pass, and help him to learn how to move, sit, walk, and talk well enough to be accepted in public. If you love drag queens, you could have your own boy-toy and really have fun with him as a girl. And then you can have him put on his suit, go to church, and have dinner with the family.

This web-site has hundreds of posts of the feelings of different cross-dressers and transsexuals. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want a sex change, but he would probably love it more than you could imagine if you would pick out an outfit for him, put it out on the bed, and tell him, even order him, to put it on, and get a sense of what he would look like. Figure out what you would like that would make him more attractive. Have him shave his legs, get his ears pierced, or get him a cashmere sweater. And help him do his make-up. You might even want to buy him a really nice wig (not a halloween wig), and help him style it. If he has longer hair, you might even take him to your stylist.

Right now, he is trying to fight it. But the fact that he is doing it on his own, would mean he is probably going through that "If I had a real woman I wouldn't need to dress" stage.

Why would he like to dress? Why would YOU like to wear clothes that make you look beautiful, sexy, elegant, and pretty? Why would you want to wear clothes that are soft and silky and feel nice to your touch, and feel good when they are being touched? Think of the times when you've been on a date, wearing stockings or hose, heels, and a skirt that brushes against them.

Now, consider that for a male, who spends nearly all of his life in clothes that are thick, course, abrasive, and baggy, the experience of all those sensations along with seeing their body looking beautiful, sexy, and sensual, but only on very special occasions, and almost always alone. Those wonderful feelings may also come with shame, guilt, remorse, regret, lonliness (you're not there when he's dressed).

The combination of fear and sensuality can be incredibly erotic. That may have been one of the reasons he enjoyed the bondage. Dressing combines incredibly wonderful sensations, with the fear of being caught, outed, or force feminized.

I can tell you one thing. You are the one person he cares about more than anyone right now. If you accept him, and her, he/she will love you for the rest of your lives. If you reject him, it could drive him deeper into depression, deeper into deceit, and deeper into the closet.

The good news is that you can have the BEST of BOTH the boy and the girl. He can be a good provider and supporter, and she can be an incredibly sensual and exciting lover. And then he can please you as a man when you want that.

Rather than trying to set up boundaries around the dressing, consider what you want from the relationship. What do you want sexually, socially, spiritually, economically. Do you want do be in charge of it, or let him/her take charge? Do you want to be the boy to his girl? Or do you want to have "Girls Night" once in a while, and "Boys Night" once in a while?

Write that "Safe and sane sex/love Ideal" down. Make it a nice story, starting from you going to work friday afternoon, and ending with you going to work monday morning. You can do anything you want on that piece of paper. Write it down. Show it to him. Then have him do the same. Then find out what you can do for each other. He might love doing everything on your list. You might have to wait a few years for the really expensive stuff, but you might be able to do a lot more than you thought, a lot sooner than you thought, once you both know what you want.

You are at the verge of an incredibly wonderful relationship, if you are willing to give up your fears of what others will think, whether you might be weird, or that he might not love you. If you agree to explore and dance together, you can begin to find the lifestyle that works for you.

[ReineD]

Hi InShock, welcome! You couldn't have found a better place to get all your questions answered. I'm a GG (genetic girl) like you, and I've been here for about 4 years now. I am supportive of my SO's CDing. Doesn't mean that we didn't have our ups and downs, but like you, I would hate to see him repress an innate part of his psyche.

Why do CDs crossdress? A prevailing thought is the hormone wash theory. A mother releases a hormone wash that causes the fetus to differentiate sexually and also causes the fetus' brain to have either masculine or feminine traits. Transgenders end up having a brain gender identity that is different than their biological sex. There are degrees of this, from someone who identifies easily with the opposite sex and has urges to crossdress occasionally or more frequently, to someone who identifies solely as the opposite sex and wants to transition.

I believe the scientific community is beginning to identify genes that cause transness and homosexuality, but I haven't spent the time reading the research to give you any additional info.

Some people believe it is more a matter of nurture. But, we've had countless informal polls in this forum and our members report a wide variety of backgrounds and life circumstances.

There is a wide variety of CDers. Some dress solely for sexual reasons. Others just enjoy the clothes and still others say that crossdressing relaxes them. Most will say they not only want express a degree of femininity, they want to feel beautiful. Some are satisfied with dressing occasionally, although it seems as if the frequency increases with age. Some CDs dress only at home, while others like my SO enjoy going out in the mainstream dressed.

The crossdressing most definitely is not a pit stop on the way to transsexuality. But, almost everyone in this forum believes the CDing to be innate and it does not go away, no matter how many attempts there are to purge. That said, we don't hear from people who do manage to stop or for whom it was a phase, so no one can say that it is impossible to stop. But, since there seems to be a universal, immense pleasure associated with the CDing, I believe it is unlikely anyone will be motivated to stop, unless the CDing has a serious negative impact in a CD's life.

Most CDers grow up feeling guilty and ashamed, since male socialization is intensely homophobic. This causes a degree of denial, a belief there is something wrong with them, a hope it will go away, all mixed in with a desire that seems compulsive at times. It is hard for a cDer to open up to people because he's had to build such a thick wall to prevent the world from seeing his internal feminine longings. This is why your bf did not tell you. Also, the CDing is sexual for most CDs in the beginning and it can take a while to not think of it as just their own personal form of autoeroticism. Most men don't share their most intimate masturbating fantasies with their families or even their gfs.

Sexual preference is as varied among CDers as it is among the male population as a whole: opposite, same, both, or none.

That's pretty well it, in a nutshell.

And now, my advice to you. Try to empty your mind of what you think you know about the CDing. The media has not been accurate in portraying CDs, and most people outside the TG community are severely uninformed. So please, for now, try to keep an open mind while you take the time to learn, and also explore this with your bf. He, BTW, will be your best source for answers, if the two of you can embark on a journey of discovery together. Give it a year of exploration, and then make up your mind as to whether or not living with a CDer is for you. Many GGs, if they have an open mind, eventually become accustomed to seeing their SO dressed and I promise you if you give it a chance, you will discover a side of your bf that you will not want to go away ... providing he is honest with you (now that you know), and he doesn't do things behind your back. But remember, you will need time to learn about this, and so will your boyfriend. He likely doesn't have a lot of answers right now, and it will also take time for him to open up. Remember that thick protective wall they build? It takes some CDs a while to chip away at it enough to trust that their wives/girlfriends will accept them. In the meantime, many CDers feel reluctant to disclose all their thoughts and desires which is a shame, because doing this does nothing to help the SO's trust.

Do get to know the members here, both the CDs and the GGs. We have a private support forum just for GGs, and you can apply to join after you've posted 10 times. The link for this is under my signature.

There's a lot more I want to tell you (I kept hitting the Edit button and adding more), but I'm afraid of going into overload so I'll stop for now.

:hugs:

[brassieres]

I understand your shock. I do have to ask, why do you like drag queens, but repulsed by his crossdressing? Is it how you found out?

I've had the desire to crossdress since I was a kid. I still and always have liked women. Does that help at all?

[Kaitlyn26]

Goodness gracious, first of all. It sounds like rather than try to explain to you why we do this (the reasons vary and he's the best one to ask honestly), we need to organize your thoughts and get down to the issues here. Number one, why do you feel negative about his crossdressing? Is it because he lied about it, or is it because you really just don't like it? Where are these people located that he's talking to online? Is this "ex-gf" a girl he's met, or is this a girl that he's known online? Why, if you've only been dating 3.5 months, is he perfect? Could it be that you're starting to get to know him better, and found out something that's not so perfect?

Something I want you to think about, if you feel boring by comparison, maybe you shouldn't be too hasty. He may be very un-bored with you, and doesn't feel that BDSM at this point is really something that's worth doing. If you meet the girl of your dreams, do you really ask her to do BDSM with you? I wouldn't. I'd be more likely to want to do that with someone that might otherwise bore me. Maybe his position of only doing something if both people like it, comes from a lesson that he was taught, by having to do things that he did not like.

I know it's difficult to not focus on the lies, but try to think about where the lies are coming from. I would suggest that you continue to cautiously get to know this guy better. After all you did say he's your "dream bf".

You may also want to consider that he didn't hide this from you very well. He may not have been trying to keep it a secret, but was too scared to tell you about it.

[Shelly67]

You poor people .
Both of you .
Your post seems full of intensity.
I wish to give you some support , I hope what you'll read may help . Perhaps you could read it together ?
Here goes .....

We all have something , minor or not hidden away in our past we wish to remain hidden , and lets be honest - if it were to be brought out into the open we'd all recoil in the same manner - SHOCK .
Right now , youre both so in turmoil , unsettled , worry , stress and disbelief .
Think of one solitary thing right now - at least your boyfriend has come clean . He could have continued being secretive . I know you feel he's lied all along , decieved you , cheated you in truth , and theres only one thing I can say on that .
You are right .
Both of you .
For different reasons.
There is only one answear at this point , something you both in my mind can work on ..... DEAL WITH THE SHOCK FIRST .

Shock , emotional or physical is unhealthy and dangerous - its a medical fact .

Once you both you can understand and the deal with that , calm down , then the frustration of questions and worries can be dealt with .

None of us can see clearly whilst so upset , and I mean both of you . Any of us - can we ?
If you can try to think back , understand one issue - youve stayed together for a reason of the heart , you consider him dearly and in return his honesty ( although now pushed into reality ) is positive . Painful it may have been , but at least he opened up to you , he must be feeling so timid too - he's cleared out his clothing , his personel safety blanket .

I truely think if you can both support each other in this turbulent time of shock ( tell him - I bet he feels the same ) then thats a foundation to build on .

Now as for finding the reason for crossdressing . From a crossdressers point of view .
NOT some celebrity Doc on the telly or health style webpage full of knowledge. THIS site has the most informative collcetive you can ask , crossdressers , partners , the whole colourful array of people . In time who knows , perhaps a visit in persons to a proffessional councel may be of help - but thats a MAYBE - and a possibility in the future .

We all have different paths , reasons for doing so - the wearing of female clothes . The idea of a man dressed in finery , make up ect causes so much disgust to so many females . There are others who adore transvestites , partners who see thru it all , love theyre man for being a sensative open individual . You'll find tons of reasons , in books , on the net , on the television - all have a particular reason . But the best most relative way to really find out why is to ask a crossdresser himself . I applaud you for asking on this site - it took strength to ask , but the reason you have asked is because you obviously feel for the man . You wish to understand . That is positively brilliant .
He obviously feels the same in a likewise manner . its obvious - remember he's even thrown his clothing away in a moment of sincerety , hoping to find an understanding ..............
On the back of that , being on this site you will engage in an honesty that will confuse ( obviously being smitten by a person and never have experienced such behavioural traits ) in these early days , then slowly enlightened and give a wider perspective . I hope no matter what the supportive returns may be that they will give you a greater insight to mens certain behaviour .

We all have our reasons , but I consider this the basis on why a man crossdresses :

As men we live in a totally masculine driven world . We are consumed by it . A man in such an enviroment is still supposed to bring home the beef , be strong . However there are those who have a sensative side that crosses over once in awhile . It may start with sexual release alone ( most certainly followed with disgust and self denial ) but returns with a vengence as the moment was an enjoyable relief. It then transpires and developes ..eventually to wearing the entire female form .It becomes a realised stress relief - with or without sexual connections . Wearing female clothes FEELS so different , it takes a man to a different reality . He can centre to his own sensativeness . However , in those moments of placidness , his reality is challenged by his own specific gender , society even, resulting in one thing - GUILT. After sometime denial sets in ...really sets in , the person concerned hides away simply in fear. It becomes habitual . Then there is an outlet - an aswear - the net .
Now , back to youre boyfriends previous lifestyle . Sounds like he was involved in a very adult relationship . No matter what went on , please try to realise this - its in the past . Please please don't think of his past in a way that questions your own relationship . His ex obviously engaged in areas you have not .
Just like mine did .
When it comes to moments of pure emotion and the heart , that all dissapears . its replaced with questions and worry , all fed by stress and shock ...

Right now the past is pretty irrelevant . What matters right now is once again , youre partner has been honest . Although he sought communications with others like him ,horrible and unbelievable his secret may seem ,he was simply seeking an outlet .
Perhaps he knew and was fearful of coming to terms with telling you ( took me 7 years ! ) frightened of losing you . needed some understanding . I can relate to that so well .

But now the gates are open ...... but there isnt any flood - only shock .

So right now , all i can offer as a message of support is try to relax a little . Breathe out , stop that mind speeding away into a frantic state . If you feel so pent up with angst , take a walk , bath , whatever .... reduce that adrenalin .
If you can do that ( even tell the man how this has effected you ) then together one way or another in an amicable manner of support , perhaps together you can gain a ground of understanding .
Wouldnt that be nice - to grow together in communication ?
None of us know how we'll turn out in life , none of us can alter the past , but we do have a little control over the future .Sometimes we just need a helping hand to steer us in the right direction . And I feel right now the best sat nav we all have in life , no matter the outcome is honesty .
Try to rest , don't read too much on the subject ( self medication on the net is dangerous ) if you can take time , talk and then I'll wager this : although youre partner may dress like a woman for kicks or whatever , in time his honesty and support will show you just how much of a man he really is .
Once youve discovered that , then its up to you both to either grow together or ( hate to say this but not everyone wants this is in life ) perhaps even part .....
Most importantly ......
be kind to each other .

I'll follow like many others on this forum closely . We all have additional input that can help , even further along the line ....

I hope in reading my response , you will have at least gained a little of calmness . I hate to see / read of people so worn down by worry and stress .
I've had more than my fair share believe me . So has my wife .


I wish you well , clarity , peace of mind , and believe me - you are not alone .
x

[elusivebeauty]

I think a lot of people have made some great posts here. I thought I would also share my thoughts on the subject, because I myself can relate like many here.

I want to get down to the very base of why it's hard for people to accept a man dressed as a woman. The first thing you have to understand is that we're not born with the idea of gender identity, it's imparted to us. It's a societal tradition that's passed down from father to son and mother to daughter. Our roles are assigned to us, we don't choose them. As we get older, most people adopt those roles and accept them. For those who don't meet up to the expectation; bullying, abuse, peer pressure and other reinforcement creates a high level of fear that keeps the rest inline for the most part. This helps to maintain a fine line between what a man is and what a woman is. Anyone who doesn't fall into one of the two categories is labelled a freak, pervert or whatever term pops into a persons head. No one wants to be the outcast.

Women have made much greater strides than men in the past 50 years. There was a time if a woman were caught wearing pants and a tee shirt, they would be mocked and bullied. Today, most women can wear what ever they want, because of womens lib and massive progressive steps made through very brave and courageous people. Men on the other hand are still way behind. Here is the thing that most men and women don't understand about being a man; we also adhere to a very strict and brutal code of unspoken rules. To deviate from the rules means very terrifying and difficult consequences. The worst part about the whole thing is the fear. For a lot of people I've talked too, this type of fear is almost up there with death.

So to go back to crossdressing, while there are many reasons why we do it, the simplest explanation is that it is a form of self expression that we're denied to from society. It's not illegal, but there are people who would treat us like we are a sub-species. Also, a majority of crossdressers are straight. As you stated in your initial reaction, you were disgusted when you saw his photos. You should ask yourself why though. Perhaps you really do find it unattractive. However, I look at it from this view. Take a popular dress style from 20 years ago that is out of style today. It's not pretty and no one would wear it anymore. There was a time though where everyone had this look and thought it was the best thing they had ever seen. So what's happened since then? People have stumbled on to different looks made popular by stylists, celebrities and designers. Peoples tastes have evolved and changed. At the same time, we are strongly influenced by the current of the stream. It's a hive mind mentality.

Just like you average guy has an idea of what is beautiful, so do women. Again though, those ideas are strongly influenced by our culture. So if one day a designer came along and made skirts for men that became wildly popular to the point where celebrities started wearing them, the view point would shift. If that trend continued to build into mens makeup, shoes and more, it wouldn't be a man in drag anymore, just your typical man. Trust me, while it's very slow, that change is already happening. Who knows, in 50 years or less our kids might completely tear down those barriers. People just able to finally be free and express themselves whatever damn way they want to. To put it simply, it's just clothes. It's the person underneath that's most valuable and clothing is just a form of self expression.

We are still in the present though, and we are far off from that possibility at the moment. So our only choices are to try and suppress it (which fails most of the time), Overcome the fear and be open and free about it (with a fair share of backlash) or express ourselves in private. Most choose the last option. Also, you would be utterly shocked by how many men crossdress. It's a very hefty percentage.

As much as I sympathize with you and understand your perspective, I also really sympathize with him. I have an idea of what's going on through his head right now. Imagine your worst nightmare if it were real and multiply that by 10. That's probably how he is feeling right now. It's not just embarrassing, it's bone chilling. That's why he kept it a secret. He wants to be accepted in a world where that's not accepted. He feels abnormal for having this need and he didn't choose it. It's just something that naturally evolves from our identity. He also has very strong feelings for you and now that weight is bearing down on him too. If he could have been honest, I'm sure he would have. It can take a very long time for man to come out about this. Trust me though, it is something that we all want to share with the people that we love, but many times just can't. I am truly sorry that this was the way that you came to learn of it though.

[Alberta_Pat]

Hi Hayley;

Welcome to this very enlightened forum.

You tell us that you have had this person as a boyfriend for 3.5 months. How long have you known him previously? How did you two meet?

3.5 months is a very short time in the life you have ahead of you. I truly doubt that you have told everything about yourself to him. He surely has not told you everything about himself.

Life with another person should always contain surprises. Some will be a bit distasteful, some will bring extreme joy, and some will just let you know a bit more about your partner or your partner know a bit more about you. This is totally NORMAL. Expect the unexpected!

As a relationship grows, it changes. Look at the trees outside. Every year they change their shape and appearance. That does not diminish their beauty.

There are very few people who can give you the "right" information for your situation. You will have to tweeze that out of the fabric of your life. Only you can know if this discovery is a deal breaker. If it is, please respect your boyfriends privacy. Allow him to share this information with those he wishes to share.

In return, he will respect your privacy and not share the embarrassing things you have shared with him.

I know that this is a difficult time for you. It is for each and every one of us who finds themselves in an awkward situation.

You are both the same people you were yesterday. You have more knowledge than you did. It will take time to assimilate it.

[Karren H]

Yeah... What they said!! Most of us lie or don't tell for fear of loosing people we love and being labeled a pervert... He should have told you from the beginning.. We all should have but we don't. From your "vomit" response I'd say it would be easier if you just kicked him to the curb and moved on with your life. Usually people who are repulsed don't make a 180 degree turn around. And you will never in your minds eye be able to fully trust him so I'd pull the plug... But that's just me....

[eluuzion]

Hi H,

Welcome! This place is a bit like Disneyland. Only we just have the characters...but no rides...:D

First, I will try to snap you out of your "dream".

Ok... close your eyes and relax.
Now, while clicking your heels together, repeat this phrase over and over...
"There's no place like Home".

Now slowly open your eyes...
Did it work?

:sad: Sorry about that...it was worth a shot...
I tried that technique myself after I realized I had just married a gold-digger that got pregnant so I would marry her, then started having affairs so I would divorce her...(her version of "financial planning"):brolleyes:
It did not work for me either (and I was even wearing 5" pumps when I was clicking my heels, lol)

Of course another option is to consider you have only invested a few months in this relationship. I have milk in my refrigerator older than that, lol. This is just a sample of what you will be dealing with during your entire relationship with him. If you are not up for that...you could cut your losses and move on.

It looks like you are going to have to do what I had to do. Fall back and select the other option. The one that we all procrastinate about too long...hoping that a miracle or the Crisis Fairy will magically make "disappear". You have to face reality, and where is the fun on that trip, right? :straightface:

Please do not misinterpret this as an attempt to "discount" your feelings or reactions to your situation. I certainly feel your reaction is commensurate with the issue at hand. Any issue that either partner views as a potential "deal-breaker" in the relationship is a crisis. It is like going to a dentist...it hurts, just like you expected it would.

I spent many years as a “turn-around/start-up” consultant, orchestrating strategies to help companies either start-up new operations, or save failing ones that could not find solutions. In the majority of cases, my initial analysis/feedback to the ringleaders was...

“It is not that you cannot see the Solutions. It is that you cannot see the Problems.”

In other words, I was suggesting that they made the all too common initial mistake of incorrectly targeting the most visible issue as the “problem”. That is rarely the case. It is typically the processes and actions that surround(ed) the elephant, not the elephant.

Based upon what you have shared with us so far...your elephant will be named “CD“. :heehee:
“Saving” the relationship will probably be an exercise of beating every facet of crossdressing into mental exhaustion ...trying to determine if it is possible for you to successfully accept and/or integrate the CD behavior into your relationship or not. yacky yak yak, etc etc...

Now, here is my personal opinion, which I am confident will not be a popular one on this forum.lol
The Crossdressing has certainly put an elephant in your room, but training it properly will not save your relationship. Because it is not the problem. The issues surrounding the CD are what created this crisis. Your boyfriend has confirmed by his actions that his character, loyalty, integrity and honesty traits are different than he has allowed you to believe. These traits orchestrated the decisions & actions that ultimately created your crisis. These are the problems that need to be addressed, not justified and excused. They will just resurface later as the motivator of some different,, but similar threatening crisis...

I believe people make bad decisions, exercise poor judgment and make other human errors in the course of trying to do the “right thing.” But those instances do not betray the limits of our acceptable behavior, that we formed from caregiver's influence, our bias and personal experiences in life.

I believe I am very proficient in “reading” people and the uniquely individual moral compass that governs what we are capable/willing to do and what we are incapable of doing/justifying for any reason. I firmly believe that it rarely, if ever changes on a fundamental level.

So,that is my opinion. But hey what do I know...I’m just a CD...and you know how wacko those weirdoes are.... :hugs:

As for the 2nd part of your question..."explanation for why some men just enjoy doing this"...

It is just one of those mysteries of "Mankind". Maybe in order to understand CD, we have to understand mankind. To understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself; "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words..."mank" and "ind". What do these words mean?

It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind (and CDing)

I hope that helps...:)

Good Luck...:hugs:

:love:

[TGMarla]

Hi there, InShock. I'll bet you are. And who can really blame you? You have a lot of really long posts to digest here, and I don't want to give you another copy of "War and Peace" to read. Our dear friend ReineD already told you a lot, and said it very well.

I don't really buy into the "hormone wash" theory myself, since I'm a twin, and I can guarantee my brother doesn't crossdress. I think the bottom line on a lot of it is that many men dabble with women's clothing out of curiosity and sexual arousal at a young age, and many of us found out that we really like it. And we just don't quit; in fact, we elevate it to the point that we eventually completely emulate women.

Some of us get to the point that we believe we are transexual, but it's rare. Most of us are normal, heterosexual males who just have a quirk about crossdressing. It's very hard to explain just why we do it, but I can tell you that despite the fact that I crossdress, I'm completely and totally devoted to my wife, and I'll never change that. Even when dressed from head to toe as a woman, I have no interest in ever having a relationship with a man. I've seen that many, if not most, women who deal with this problem have the same questions: Is he gay, is he going to have a sex change, does he do this because something is missing in me? The answers are most often no, no, and no.

Get your ten posts in, and join the GG forum with Reine, and all you ladies can discuss this among yourselves. It may be a bit of a rocky road for you. I think it's very likely that your guy has not come completely clean with you yet, since he's in "damage control" mode. I will not sit here and accuse him of things, and I may be totally wrong here. But he probably dresses more often than he's told you. He probably is more active on this internet account than he's let on. He's probably feeling diminished in your eyes, and is trying to minimize the impact that his crossdressing has on you. I'd sit down with him again after you digest all of this, and tell him to come completely clean with you. I just get the feeling he has not yet.

From the sound of it, he's a fetish crossdresser, one who takes sexual pleasure in kinky feminine clothing. He's got the mini skirt, the thigh highs, etc. These are things that most women don't opt to wear unless they are trying to please a man. They don't wear this stuff to run out to the store. I'm guessing it's unlikely he dresses and goes out anywhere, especially if these are his choices in women's attire.

I'll close with this: crossdressing is a lousy reason to destroy an otherwise perfectly good relationship. You two have not been together long. He only hid this from you because he felt that it was likely that you'd leave him if you found out. The fact that instead of packing up and leaving, you came here to learn and try to understand, says that you're a woman of greater depth than many. I applaud you for doing so. If you accept this part of him, he'll try to find his boundaries with you. You may find that you don't want to be around it, or you may find that it increases and enhances your sex life. You need to find what level you are comfortable with, and he needs to abide by it. I wish you both well. Good luck!

[Dawn cd]

Hayley, let me add, there are really two different issues here: your boyfriend's crossdressing and BDSM. The first issue—as many here have explained to you—can really be a sweet experience for a couple. Crossdressing is more connected to gender identity than to sex. The BDSM, however, is clearly a sexual/fetish activity. So you (and he) need to find out how much the two are linked and whether he could crossdress without getting involved in BDSM.

One thing more: Trust is an issue for you, and you really need to trust him by giving him some space. Every person has hidden places in his or her life that would embarrass us if people poked into them. So my advice is to inquire, but don't poke. Maybe you innocently found those pictures on his cellphone, and maybe you were looking for stuff. We don't know. But you must resist the temptation to spy on him, which is an expression of your own dark side. Trust must be a big part of this ongoing dialogue with your bf.

[Marlana]

Hayley, try to understand that you weren't supposed to see that picture until he was ready to show you. That being said, I'd be willing to bet right now, he's scared that you're gonna leave him. Don't do that. Try to understand that there is a certain feeling to dressing up that really can't be explained to someone who doesn't understand it. My wife has made it clear that she is the woman and doesn't want another woman in the marriage. I understand this..but I still need to do it. So when she travels, I get to bring out my fem side. It's a release and when she returns, everything gets put away and goes into hiding until the next time. What I'm trying to say is, it's ok to talk about it, but do it when he's ready and be open to what he's saying whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes just talking about it helps.

[NicoleScott]

Hayley,

There are a lot of cd's here who have found themselves in the "when to tell" trap. Crossdressing desires often (but not always) start early, and through the teen years become intensified. All along, especially for the older ones of us before the age of greater tolerance and the internet, we kept our desire to crossdress secret, picking up both direct and subtle messages that it's against the grain of normal behavior. Suddenly we found ourselves in a serious relationship, and many of us married without revealing to our partners that we crossdress. After marriage, we reasoned (and not knowing better at the time), the desires to crossdress would stop and be replaced by all the different attractions to our partners. We were wrong, but didn't know it then. So here we are, well into a serious relationship with a secret that should be shared, but with no easy way to do it. Either caught or unable to live with the secret any longer, it's out.
This happened to me. My wife, even through individual and joint counseling, simply could not tolerate a crossdressing husband, and we divorced.
My current wife accepts my crossdressing, and I think there are some important reasons why: she knows that I am straight, have no desire to transition, and do not cheat. I can dress in her presence, and have many times although I prefer to dress alone (it's a private, personal thing). Also, I have no feminine characteristics when not en femme - I'm a regular guy, husband and father, with normal male attributes, activites, and responsibilities. Sometimes, however, I like to dress up.
Now that you know, it's time for him to be fully honest with you. I don't believe that it's just his narcissism. I like compliments, too, but it's certainly not any reason I've ever heard of to crossdress. And time for you to be honest with him. You said you don't like his crossdressing but you don't want to deny something that he needs to do. You can find balance. Not setting his boundaries, but both of you agreeing on terms you both can live with. There are couples here that the woman does not like the crossdressing but tolerates it if kept out of her sight. Other couples use crossdressing to enhance bedroom activities. Some women cannot tolerate that thought that her husband is a crossdresser (so it gets driven into the closet or they must split). Talk. Good luck with it.

ps You've been together 3-1/2 months. I wouldn't consider that a complete betrayal of trust. Give him the benefit of the doubt on that. Maybe he would have told you in time.

[docrobbysherry]

Hi Hayley. Many of us wish we had answers for OURSELVES! I think guessing what motivates your BF is futile. U must ASK HIM if u really want to know. Just wait awhile first and see if he volunteers anything. Plus, u need time to get over your shock and gag responses!

For me, dressing is very excited and there's DEFINITELY a sexual component. However, I'm content to dress twice a month, and have NO DESIRE to meet other males or females sexually while dressed. Or, even go out in vanilla public as Sherry. It IS a compulsion, tho. There r times I would like to be able to stop my "secret" life. But, find I cannot!

[kimdl93]

So many good responses here. My only advice is to give yourself time to let your anger, confusion, and emotional turmoil subside. Its great to seek information, but at this point its gotta be difficult to process all that you've heard or read. It might even be worthwhile to take a break from the bf for a couple of days - just to let things calm down.

Sometimes people try to hard to resolve a situation before they're really emotionally or cognitively ready to do so. If you force yourself, and him, you each may find yourself making statements and making choices that you'll regret later.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Hi Hayley, I read a few of the replies, but decided all I can do was talk about if from my point of view, which might be different from some.

First, I'm middle aged, and still pretty much "in the closet" and anyway I just underdress, never tried dressing completely and trying to pass. I've more or less made my mind up that if caught out in the locker room or doctors or whatever, the response will go something like, "Yeah? They're women's panties, so?" Of course, hasn't happened yet, so we'll see...

When I was younger though...The idea of being caught!.....Your BF obviously is closer to that reaction, so him being secretive is understandable, so is your reaction.

Why do I do it? It started pretty much as a fetish, and it came about because of very early sexual feelings, that I had absolutely NO understanding of, and when persuaded to swap clothes with my Sister, found the feeling worked well with my fantasies. These days, a strong part of the reason I continue is I'm so used to the feel, that men's underwear feels awful in comparison. That said, I do feel that everyone has a Male and Female side, and the strengths of those facets are independent, it's not a scale. I have strong Female side, but the Male is also strong. My orientation is definitely towards Women, but I am more affectionate than most guys, and I prefer women who express perhaps some more masculine traits than the average.

If I get a GF, I'll be bringing this up at the earliest point I feel comfortable with trusting her with such potentially damaging info.

As to why your BF does it? Don't know, but can identify with the narcissistic thing, I like the idea of my GF thinking of me as a sex object, but oddly enough, as a man.

I think you have to drill it through your BF's head that he HAS to be honest, and that needs to start with himself. Tell him to forget about the relationship for now, and just spend some time exploring his deepest , most honest feelings, then come back and tell you everything, then see if you can both make it work..
Good Luck!

[Katie Moore]

First of all, I might repeat what has already been said, so bear with me. There is no one answer as people are so complex that just when you think you've figured someone out then bam, wrong about that. Here's what I would feel if I were in his shoes (been there done that).

He can't help being who he is. He likes being in women's clothing as do I. Society has labeled that something "terribly unnormal". He wants everyone to think he's "normal" with no cracks in his armor. So he's afraid to tell anyone outside of his world. Afraid of all the nasty social stigmas that go with it. Afraid of all the reactions to it. And then the embarassment, guilt, lack of self esteem if he's found out. Then the shame that he'll feel if he's found out along with the "I've let you down" feeling he'll surely get. Then if you understand that, throw in a dose of "I'm a guy and we don't talk about how we feel, especially how girly we feel sometimes".

That's why I think he didn't tell you. He only told you after you confronted him. If you need to run away from him do it quickly and please don't embarass him anymore by telling others.

However if you think there's a chance to stay together, give him some room to be who he is. You don't have to embrace that aspect of him unless you want to. Just read some of the great posts on this site about couples who enjoy this aspect of their partners lives, shopping, makeup etc. Combine that with a good man and you've got a guy many many women would fight for. This is a good time for some real in depth thinking and rationaling on your part.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.

:love:

Katie

[JamieG]

You have a lot to read through here, so I'll try to keep my response brief. First, you have only been dating for three months, so the fact he did not tell you yet is not as bad as it sounds. The general advice is to reveal when things are getting really serious, but some people define "serious" as six months, some as prior to being engaged, etc. Even so, there are many CDers who do not come out to their spouses until very late in a marriage. This is often because the CDer has to finally admit that this is truly who they are, and that they cannot change it. I was not able to do this until after being married for a year, and then, after an internal struggle, finally broke down and told her. My wife was a lot like you: very open-minded, had gay friends, admired gender-bending musicians; but when I told her that I crossdressed, it was very difficult for her. She said, "If you were just a friend, I could accept this, but not from my husband." It took a long time, but she eventually learned that it didn't actually change who I was or the way she felt about me, and we have grown closer ever since. Hopefully, if this is a relationship that both of you care about, you will be able to work together to overcome this hurdle.

[HayleyGG]

I understand your shock. I do have to ask, why do you like drag queens, but repulsed by his crossdressing? Is it how you found out?

I've had the desire to crossdress since I was a kid. I still and always have liked women. Does that help at all?




Thank you so much for your response. I'm ashamed to say that the difference between loving and supporting drag queens and not wanting my boyfriend to dress is that I want my man to be a man...all man. I don't feel like the man I'm with should have "feminine times." I don't think it's me being closed-minded, it's just my current preference. Again, I'm still in shock about this and my opinion may change once I become more informed and it sinks in a bit. Everyone here is saying that when they're a man, they're all man...but I'm currently horrified and haunted by the image I saw of my boyfriend in a skirt. I know he's still the same person as a few days ago...but everything just feels upside down now. The way I found out was incredibly traumatic, too.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Inshock,

I, for one, am not gonna write a short novel in response to your plea for help and understanding. Others have done this before and you have gotten a LOT of info about crossdressers.

I am gonna say, however, that the issues that you raised, crossdressing and BDSM, are really not that important. Many. many couples have long and happy marriages that involve one or both of these hobbies. But either of those "hobbies" are hard to engage in alone. If you are definitely NOT on board, you will have a rocky relationship.

BUT I think the really important problem is that he LIED to you. And would STILL be lying to you if you had not found him out. How do you feel about that? If he lied to you once, it's a pretty sure bet that he will lie to you again.

Personally, the lying would be a deal breaker for me. The crossdressing? Maybe, maybe not. The BDSM? Another deal breaker for me.Those decision are up to you. But be aware, crossdressing and BDSM (which go hand in hand for many), do not need to mean the end of the relationship. The lie? Another story altogether.

Stephenie

[Alberta_Pat]

BUT I think the really important problem is that he LIED to you. And would STILL be lying to you if you had not found him out. How do you feel about that? If he lied to you once, it's a pretty sure bet that he will lie to you again.



Stephenie, I have to remind you that this couple has been a couple for just over 3 months. Even with 24/7 discussion, there are many things that have not been brought to the forefront yet. To call this a "lie" is just not right.

I am sure that the OP has many details in her life that she has not yet mentioned, even in passing. Many that could be deal breakers for her B/F if he knew.

We all attach different values of importance to the things in our lives. We all have stages that we go through, and times when it is "right" to divulge.

Perhaps this relationship has not yet reached the point where this disclosure was ready to come out.

Only with the fictional "Vulcan Mind Meld" could a couple share everything in an extremely short time.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Yeah... What they said!! Most of us lie or don't tell for fear of loosing people we love and being labeled a pervert... He should have told you from the beginning.. We all should have but we don't. From your "vomit" response I'd say it would be easier if you just kicked him to the curb and moved on with your life. Usually people who are repulsed don't make a 180 degree turn around. And you will never in your minds eye be able to fully trust him so I'd pull the plug... But that's just me.... I have to agree with Karren. While it is admirable that you think enough of for BF to go on the web to get an idea of what this cross dressing "thing" is all about and to come here with your question, I'm afraid that because of your initial reaction things are not going to work out. Getting physically ill is a pretty strong reaction...

[HayleyGG]

Wow. Thank you ladies SO much for all your thoughtful responses. I can't believe the support and great advice everyone has given me. It's taken me about an hour to read everything..haha.

I honestly feel better now that I've heard from all of you. I'm still in the initial shock phase, and I'm still not thrilled about my boyfriend dressing, but I really just need to talk to him and see how he'd like to proceed. However, he's seemingly not speaking to me right now. Basically, we had "the talk," I was really upset and I knew the night would continue to be awkward and that we both needed space to mull things over, so I left and drove home. He immediately sent me a text and apologized for me finding out how I did and said he never wanted to hurt me. He was very understanding and apologetic. However, several hours later he seemingly started questioning our relationship and compatibility. He said that I don't deserve to be with someone who is deceitful, and he doesn't deserve to be with someone who expects full disclosure and honesty about every part of his life because it's too soon for him.

I'm not sure why his complete understanding and apologies turned into questioning being with me. It might be some kind of defense because of his shame and guilt so he doesn't feel as vulnerable if he starts suggesting that maybe we just aren't meant to be. I'm not sure, but I'm scared that I'm going to lose him. We text frequently, and I told him last night that I was still pretty shaken up, but that I made a small list of things I'd like to talk to him about over the phone as opposed to texting, and he told me he didn't want to talk about "it" that night, and that he plain just didn't want to talk. This was about 6pm, so I wrote back and said, "I don't think there's anything that's happened that needs to be someone's fault. Neither of us have done anything wrong, but I'm sorry that you're hurting. I care about you and I don't want you in pain. I know you do, but please don't feel ashamed, embarrassed or like a "freak." I'm VERY sorry if my reaction perpetuated those feelings because I would never want to make you feel like that. You're an amazing man with a lot to offer..and I still want you as you are. I don't know if you don't want to talk about this or to me at all...but I'm dropping this for now. I wish there was something we could do for each other right now, but all we can do is be understanding. So, I'll leave you alone for now unless you'd like to carry on a normal conversation about something else. Just try to remember that from what I've read, you're more normal than you think right now," and he never wrote back. I knew he probably needed some space, so I didn't push him. A few hours later, I just sent a simple text saying I love you, and he wrote back saying he loves me, too. Now I haven't heard from him all day.

I know he must be mortified right now, and I hate that he's feeling that way. I want to give him space, but I also want him to know that I accept him, I feel a little better now that I've heard all your stories and advice, I'm no longer angry about him hiding this from me because I fully understand his dilemma and I forgive him, and that I still want to be with him....but I don't want to harrass him and invade his space. So, I don't know what to do. I hate that he's feeling however he's feeling. I love him. Advice?

[Kaitlyn26]

It sounds like he's having problems on his end. I've been through a similar situation, and I can say for sure that she was not nearly as understanding as you. I think that you found that out too soon for his taste, and now he's worried. I'm not sure what to tell you to do about it, because this is super early in a relationship for things like this.

If it were me, I'd allow him some time to think over his emotions, as you have been thinking over yours. He may be ashamed of himself, depressed, worried. All of the things that you may be feeling.

[avery.j]

'Sensitive' is not usually something men are expected to be. Your boyfriend is perhaps as shaken up as you are. If he says that he did not want you to learn about his crossdressing in this manner it is nearly certain that he meant it. He probably needs a little time to handle his emotions. He will be as afraid to lose you as you are to lose him. And unlike you, I can bet, he wouldn't be seeking help from anywhere as to how to handle it.
Once, you drove away, now turn around and drive back. How about another text message saying that you love him and you need him and that nothing has changed between the two of you?

[Dawn cd]

I just want to take exception to what Stephanie S told you. Your boyfriend did NOT "lie" to you, he just didn't tell you the whole truth about himself. Many of us hold back things with friends we're just getting to know. Most likely, you haven't told him everything about yourself, either. So, on top of everything else, don't accuse him of lying or trying to deceive you. Deep friendship takes time.

[Holly]

First of all, hi Hayley and :welcom: to the forum. I hope you find the information you need here. As you can see from the number of posts I have made, I've been around here for awhile. I'm married (almost 43 years) and have been cross dressing since my pre-teen years. But what drives me and the thousands of other TG persons on this board and what drives your BF to participate in this are more than likely two very different things. As mentioned by other posters, the reasons behind cross dressing range from fetish dressing to attempting to resolve a discord between the brain and the body and an infinite number of variations in between. The only accurate way for you to know what drives your BF's dressing is to ask him. But be prepared as he may not yet fully understand himself. In most cases, "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable and honest answer. Being any shade of trans-gender is difficult and sorting it all out is hard in light of the fact that our society conditions it's citizens that certain behaviors are acceptable and others are not. It can take some time in serious introspection to arrive at some conclusions. I was well into my 50's.

Some advice to you... own your feelings. Why shouldn't you? They are yours. But at the same time, educate yourself. For a long time, we thought that the world was flat only to find out we were wrong. Please allow me to give you one thought to help you along your way. Do you think you could be the victim of social conditioning I mentioned above? Specifically, what make a man a suitable mate? Is it really all about his hairy chest, muscles, and innate ability to fix everything. What is it that makes it unacceptable for a man to be empathetic or tender or nurturing or to celebrate color and texture? What's so wrong with a guy having first-hand knowledge of what you go through to look nice? Shouldn't a couple be more concerned about where they want to be in 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now? Is there a God and, if so, how should we respond? What values do we share and do we want to instill those in children? All I'm trying to suggest is that the possibility exists that there are far more pressing issues than CDing in relationships. And once educated, you may even be able to embrace the benefit of having someone around who is better in tune to your thinking and understanding of your struggles.

I wish you a very happy and fulfilling future.

[ReineD]

I feel a little better now that I've heard all your stories and advice, I'm no longer angry about him hiding this from me because I fully understand his dilemma and I forgive him, and that I still want to be with him....but I don't want to harrass him and invade his space. So, I don't know what to do. I hate that he's feeling however he's feeling. I love him. Advice?

Give it a few days, and then text him to say, "Why don't we (whatever it is you usually do) tonight? We won't talk about the CDing if you don't want to. I miss you and I just want to see you."

And then let things take their course. If he doesn't say anything, don't bring it up. Put the whole thing out of your mind for now and just enjoy each other like you used to. There will be plenty of time to sort through this in the future. The importance now is to reestablish your relationship. If after 3 weeks he still hasn't brought it up, come back here and post the latest and you'll get the next slew of advice as to how to best proceed.

:bh:

[Eryn]

...I know he must be mortified right now, and I hate that he's feeling that way. I want to give him space, but I also want him to know that I accept him, I feel a little better now that I've heard all your stories and advice, I'm no longer angry about him hiding this from me because I fully understand his dilemma and I forgive him, and that I still want to be with him....but I don't want to harrass him and invade his space. So, I don't know what to do. I hate that he's feeling however he's feeling. I love him. Advice?

Keep loving him! Wait for his attack of the "strong silent type syndrome" to abate and then sit down for a heart-to-heart Be sure to tell him what you are feeling. You are just as important a part of this relationship as he is. Open up a bit and let him know your own apprehensions. He's likely to do the same. You might be surprised that some of your BF's fears are over things that you might consider trivial. The reverse might also be true.

Keep us informed of how it's going!

Hugs, Eryn

[mary simpson]

hayley i added u on yahoo,i am hear if u need some 1 to listen,girls like u r 1 in a million

[docrobbysherry]

Hayley, please remember that MANY of us suffer from guilt, regret, self doubt, and lack of self acceptance because of what we do! These r ALL issues we must deal with on our own or with professional help!

What u and your BF have done is; squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube and it's NEVER going to be the same between u 2 again! U must both move on. Either together or separately. And, that's NEVER one person's choice, unfortunately! I feel your pain, (both of yours!), and hope it passes quickly!

[Terry V]

I have been a crossdressers all of my life and when I was young I thought there was something very wrong with me and was ashamed and would have wanted to die if anyone found out my dirty little secret but then someone in my life, very important to me, did find out and did not make me feel like a freak and helped me in her way to get over my fears, I have never come out to everyone in my life but told my wife after 30 years of marriage and at first she was more than a little pissed off at me for hiding this part of me for so long and would not discuss it for a few years after she knew but one day she gave me a present and when I opened it it was a bra, panties and a nightgown and she said that if that was something I wanted to do she would try to get used to it if she could the hardest thing I had to do was to put those things on and come out of the bedroom to show her the other part of me, she didn't laugh she didn't cry she looked me over and said it might take time but she tought she could get used to it and after a few years she now buys me things that I would only have dreamt about but never have gotten for myself, today we are still very happy in both of my worlds and sometimes at odd moments she will ask me to dress for her and tell me what she wants to see me in or lay out what she wants and ask me to put these things on. so what started out as something that was a not what I wanted to be has now turned into a part of my life that I and my wife love.
I don't know if this helps but it took a while for my wife to accept my thing but in the end (corny) love conqures all,

[suchacutie]

Hi, welcome, and I'm so very sorry this is hitting both of you so hard and so suddenly. Please know that being in shock when a revelation about transgenderism hits is completely normal, even in the best of circumstances!!! My wife and I discovered Tina a few years ago, after 34 years of marriage. Suddenly one morning, as a joke actually, I was partially crossdressed...for her! It was amazing! We were both shocked and our actions shocked us even more. It felt completely natural (and I hate to "dress up" in male mode!), and then she said that we needed to buy me a dress! Who the heck were we, anyway???

But the situation we avoided is the one you now find yourselves in. You are scare, shocked, frustrated, and scared! He is scared, shocked, frustrated, and scared! His secret is public. You have a secret you can't share. He is feeling incredibly vulnerable. You are feeling completely alone. Both of you are feeling guilty in so many ways.

Some have said to give him space. I'm not sure I can agree. Only you know him. Only you can make the decision about how he will react if you just "show up" at his residence.

Some have said to move on. I can't agree about that one either. My wife and I were very happily married when Tina arrived. We immediately went to work trying to find out who Tina was, and the conversations my wife and I had were amazing!!! We opened up avenues of communication we didn't know existed. This took incredible trust on both our parts, but the rewards were/are fantastic!

I'm very sure that he will feel immensely better when he realizes he has a potential partner to share and nourish his "secret". You both need support, and the best support you can have is each other.

If it doesn't work out, then you've given it your all. If it does work out, it could be a lifetime of incredible connection and an openness in your relationship few people have in this life. If you think he can take it, seek him out...take charge a bit, nicely, but firmly. Let him tell you how he feels presenting as a woman, how he would like to feel, and where he might think his transgenderism will take him, and then you can tell him how you might find interest in this part of him/her.

Best wishes, and please stay in touch with all of us.

tina

[Eryn]

BTW Hayley, it might be a good idea to share this forum with your BF. It sounds like he might find the forum helpful. Remember that many CDers don't really understand their own feelings very well and have many of the same fears and anxiety that you have been feeling. Reading this forum has been very helpful to me in understanding and accepting myself.

[HayleyGG]

BTW Hayley, it might be a good idea to share this forum with your BF. It sounds like he might find the forum helpful. Remember that many CDers don't really understand their own feelings very well and have many of the same fears and anxiety that you have been feeling. Reading this forum has been very helpful to me in understanding and accepting myself.

You know...I actually am going to do that...at the risk of pissing him off. A few times when we've had an argument, I've gone to a friend to get a different perspective just to see if he really was right, or if I was justified in my side of the argument. I like to do this sometimes just to make sure that I'm being realistic, and a good partner. If I'm wrong all the time when I think I'm right, I'd love for someone to tell me so I can apologize and make it right. I just need verification to make sure I'm not crazy sometimes. So being as honest as I am, I've told him what I did, and he gets upset that I "have to go to a third person to make sure I'm right." He's an incredibly private person and doesn't even tell his closest friends or coworkers what goes on in his life. So as you can imagine, I'm sure he's mortified that I found out about his CDing. I came to this forum because I needed help. You're all anonymous, you don't know who we are, so I figured it would be ok...but I'm not sure he'll be ok with it. But as I said, you've all really helped me and given me hope, so I'm going to show him this thread, if you don't mind. I hope I don't make him more angry and hurt.

I just want to thank you all again for your amazing responses. You really are a great group of people and I'm so happy that my hours of googling a couple days ago led me to you.

So, many have asked me to keep you informed on what's going on, so here's the latest. Again, I gave him some space last night because I felt he needed it, then sent a random I love you text to make sure he knows that I still do and that I don't want him going through this alone. He said he loves me too, then I didn't hear from him again, no goodnight or anything. All of today went by, still hadn't heard from him...and because of all of you, I'm starting to come to terms with this whole thing, and I'm not angry anymore at him for hiding this from me. So, to further support him and be there for him, I sent a text saying "I now understand why you didn't tell me and I forgive you for it." He asked why I understand, I said I could call and explain because it's faster, but that if he still doesn't want to talk to me, I'll understand..I just wanted him to know those things. I then asked him if he doesn't mind to tell me what he's feeling. I really want to know because I don't know if he's still embarrassed, or is thinking about our relationship and I'm really worried. I also told him that this is affecting both of us and said that I feel very alone, abandoned, and confused about us. He seemed to then turn it around on me and said he's "sorry I feel alone and abandoned, considering I'm the one who walked away." I didn't "walk away" after "the talk," I went home so we would both have time to process things because the conversation wasn't going anywhere after the initial shock. So he wrote back and said he wants to be alone and that he'll "need space and distance for some time."

I don't know if I have no right, but I feel like he's being very unfair to me. Skirt or no skirt, he's still my boyfriend and my partner, and I feel he should be just as supportive of me as I've been to him. I've told him I accept him, I still want to be with him, I love him, I forgive him, and not to be ashamed of himself. He hasn't said one comforting word to me in the last day and I'm miserable. He even ignored my call tonight when I finally broke down and called because I couldn't take it anymore. I need him the most right now and he's pushing me away. I understand how he must be feeling, but I'm feeling pretty awful myself. I'm just very angry that he's abandoned me. He wants his space, so he gets it...I need him and I get nothing. I have to depend on strangers (who have turned out to be amazing strangers-thank you again) to get through this...and I'm very hurt by it. I've decided to not speak to him until he eventually comes back to me because I don't want to make it worse, but I'm heartbroken that I'm left to heal on my own.

[Eryn]

Well, if he doesn't start talking to you he's making a bad decision. He has, right now, what many on this forum would consider to be miraculous, an accepting SO. He had better get his head on straight and recognize that before his chance goes away!

I have no idea what might be going on inside his head. He may have some inner demons that I don't understand. Hopefully he's soon recognize that those demons are best confronted with someone else than alone.

[Tina Leigh]

Oh well not any defense of him but some perspective. He has never trusted this to someone who is not part of it before they knew him. He is as scared of what he is, maybe, or is ,not as you have been. The first time you tell some one you wait for the world to stop, for days. you would be amazed at how much chatter in the world focuses on TG, CD, DRAG and all the variations and how much you see people react. And you think thats them reacting to you! he is in shock he just declared something not by choice but by defence and out of hope and fear. Now he does not know how to own it, many of us do not. To find out at any point in your life that something you would have avoided or not been close too is like sugar candy and instantly you are on the other side of the looking glass. he is scared. He like a lot of us started one day what was fun or entertainig and now it is part of hm and it is worse than a tail or horn. It has no precedent and it feels soo big and soo dark to him especially if he has not openly explored it and found his comfort place. This is a journey, one you may make with him or one he make alone. while you are on a cliff looking at a narrow swinging bridge to cross, he already knows you could turn back as most. many do and he will cross, no choice he is there whatever there is. knowledge, arm yourself and he with insight ,read, with him if you can. He entered this wonderful world through the "sexual pleasing your past partner" door, now he and you neeed to see the room and all the variety of nice normal loving caring people in it. For many sex is sex and being in girl mode is separate and some not so much. Point is do not assume he knows more than you. Girls are emotional and boys are experiecial (sp) and now he is out of his knowledge base. not many hetero males have a clue what entering TG,CD world means in terms of who we are and what we are. He should call you, you should screem bloody hell that even as a friend you both were on the same place when this happened. Beware of agendas and beware of "how it has to be scenarios",, you and he are unique know your current limits and communicate, listen and hear him, he will be more scared unfamiliar. and remember virtual behavior is one thing like beer bottle courage and genus, seldom do they change who good people are and seldom do they give lasting understanding comfort and care like real relationships do. Good luck remember yourself and him then the two of you together.

[Kaitlyn26]

Sounds like it's over. You snooped through his things, and then walked out. Sorry to be blunt but that's what he's thinking. "Never go looking, because you might just find something" more words to live by.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Hayley, :welcom: to the crossdressers.com community.

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough patch because of what you discovered, but the fact that you came here to try to understand shows what an exceptional person you really are.

You have already had a lot of advice, much of it I feel is good, but it does seem from your later posts that his male defence mechanisms have kicked in and that he is blaming you for what you found out. I truly hope that he gets past this and can allow you back into his life. If this does happen, then I hope that you can discuss what happened and each listen to the other person's feelings.

I will not blame you for having a strong reaction to what must at first sight have looked like a betrayal of your relationship, but again, let me remind you that your reaction in trying to understand proves what a great person you are and speaks volumes about your love for him.

Perhaps you can follow Reine's suggestion, give him a couple more days then suggest getting together for something you have enjoyed together from time to time over the last few months.

[HayleyGG]

Sounds like it's over. You snooped through his things, and then walked out. Sorry to be blunt but that's what he's thinking. "Never go looking, because you might just find something" more words to live by.


Wow, that was incredibly mean and unsupportive. I appreciate your opinion, but I'm pretty sure you don't know him or what he's thinking. As I clearly explained, I wasn't "snooping," his browser history from that day popped up when I clicked the address bar to type my school website in to entertain myself while he was sleeping. I do not go through his things, I'm not a psycho bitch. I specifically don't go through his things because I don't want to find something innocent that I feel looks suspicious and have to go through the turmoil of wondering, then accusing, then have him think I don't trust him. That was the absolute worst day of our relationship, and I wouldn't wish what happened to either of us on anyone.

And as I also clearly explained, I didn't "walk out" on him. We had a full discussion, he expressed how incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed he is talking about it, and then our conversation reached a standstill. I could tell that he was becoming increasingly embarrassed and frustrated, and I didn't want an argument to erupt on top of everything that had just happened. I made the adult decision to leave, not angrily or dramatically, so that we could both sort our heads out after what just occurred. There was no further discussion that we could partake in at the time, and there was no way that we were going to have a normal night in together and pretend our worlds were not just flipped upside down. I'm not sure what you think I should have done if it was not to leave and give us both time to cool down, but I'm sorry if you feel I did the wrong thing. I have never experienced ANYTHING like this, so I've handled it to the best of my ability.

If you feel that my relationship is probably over because I accidentally found something, talked to him like an adult without making him feel more ashamed, gave him space, continued telling him supporting things like that I still love him, still want to be with him, and to not feel like a freak, spent hours and hours on the web trying to understand what he's going through and how we can get through it together, spent more hours on this forum digesting every piece of advice I've been given and talking to strangers because he's not supporting me right now, spent the last 3 days hardly eating or sleeping because I'm so upset about the pain someone I love is in and where my relationship lies, and didn't freak out, call him a fairy, then break up with him, then you're right, I deserve to be dumped. And furthermore, I deserve someone else who appreciates the aforementioned if he does dump me.

Thank you for your reply.

[Kaitlyn26]

To him, you were snooping. I didn't say that's what happened, I said that's what he's thinking. ;) No one said you deserve anything. I'm just telling you my best guess as to what he's thinking right now, and why he isn't supporting you. If you want to know what he's thinking, I'd suggest you listen to someone that's been in the exact situation before, and listen to Reine as to what to do about it. When I put that part of me in the trash, for the woman I loved, I meant it. He probably did as well.

As far as you not eating or sleeping, I've been there too. You really need to listen to Reine, and keep living your life. Living like that is not going to help the situation. Do you have a girl friend that you can talk to, maybe do something with?

[paulaloha]

I don't know if girls work this way, but with several of my guy friends I can simply call them up and say hey man, i'm going through some serious stuff right now and I just need to hang out and not be alone. I don't want to talk about anything but are you free to just hang out?

Just being with someone and doing something fun can be a great relief!

So maybe calling a good girl friend to hang out would be good for you.

I hope things get better for you really soon!

[HayleyGG]

Well, there's no one in my life that I can talk to about this, I'm giving him that much respect...but I talked to someone from here on the phone tonight and it helped a lot. I'm still very depressed, but I just need to wait it out. I just sent him a couple emails with some research I did, and this thread because I think it will help him sort his own head out, so I'm just waiting. We had plans this weekend, but I assumed they're canceled. Not my choice, so I'm pretty bummed out. I'm doing all of the listening I can, he just needs to get his shit together and come back to me because he's the one putting this relationship in a standstill.

[paulaloha]

Perhaps even if you don't talk to anyone about it, just spend time with another person around. My friends and I typically just play video games when we are going through crappy times, so there isn't really much talking.

But now that I say it, that really just seems like a guy thing to do.

Sorry for the bad suggestion in that case.

[Kaitlyn26]

Yes, exactly my point. You must go on living your life until you know that your relationship is no longer in purgatory. Just do something with a friend for the weekend, if your plans are actually canceled. I'd recommend a girl friend, otherwise he may think that you're trying to move on already. Be supportive, but don't be too "googly eyed" either. If you try to support him too much, you may smother him. It sounds like he's choosing to take this on by himself. I would completely drop the issue until he mentions it again.

Paula, GGs also spend time with friends in times of need. It's not exclusive to guys.

[ReineD]

Inshock, you are clearly upset and I understand this. But, from one GG to another, I can tell you this: most guys are not well equipped to handle so much emotion all at one time, especially if they are younger (they do improve with age. lol). Guys handle things differently than we do. Here's a great article you should read:

http://compassionpower.com/MarriageProblemsWhentalkingdoesnthelp.php

Read down a bit to where they say that men respond better to "doing things" together than talking when things are emotionally intense.

So it you can, just breathe and put the situation aside for now. I know that it feels uncomfortable living with the immediate uncertainly, but do try to just process your feelings by yourself. Cry if you need to. Take a warm bath. Call a girlfriend and go see a movie. Eat a pint of ice cream. In other words, it's OK to not feel great for a little while. Let things settle. And most importantly, trust that your bf's feelings for you are strong enough to not walk away just because the two of you had a disagreement.

You mention that he should be there for you right now. Well, he thinks that you have rejected a very deep part of him. He feels abandoned too. He has no clue how hard it is for us to understand this, since he's never lived in any other skin than his own. In a situation such as this one, there is no one person who is right and one who is wrong. There are just two people who come at it from completely different angles. You both feel hurt, and you both feel abandoned. So, now is a good time to see what type of relationship skills you both have, and a part of this is to try to calmly reach a middle ground with one another, without any more blaming.

So the best you can do, really, is to keep things as simple as you can for now without overloading him with all this emotion (see the article). Reestablish your relationship if you can, try to reach a level of normalcy again, and then revisit the CDing (and your disagreement) later.

Tomorrow or the next day, just say that you reacted strongly because the whole thing was a complete surprise and tell him that you love him and that you feel you can both work it out later when things have calmed down, so how about seeing a movie or something. :)

[HayleyGG]

Ya, that's what I've been doing. I went out Wednesday and last night, had a friend stay over...had plans tonight but had an exponentially horrible day apart from this whole mess, and I'm a DJ and have a gig Saturday night. I know better than to be alone, so I'm trying to keep myself occupied. I don't have many friends, but I'm doing my best. I try not to let our bad times take over my life, but he doesn't usually act this way..so I'm nervous. But hey, if it's over because of this, then he's an idiot and he'll just have to repeat this cycle all over again with the next one. The longer he's being a dick, the less I'll care. I deserve better.

[Kaitlyn26]

Inshock, I'm slightly inclined to think that he may be acting like a "dick" as you put it. I wouldn't dismiss what Reine is saying though. He may simply be overloaded right now and not even thinking straight. I can speak from experience, when I tell you that sometimes emotions that a man is not experienced with can overwhelm him and make him act in ways that he doesn't even agree with on fundamental levels. If both of you adopt the attitude of, "If he/she dumps me then she/he doesn't deserve me!" then not much is going to straighten out in your relationship. I know it can be frustrating because you are trying so hard, and he's not really doing much. If you want the relationship to work out you've got to be patient, as well as prudent.

I always make it a rule in life and relationships, to acknowledge and be aware of the fact that I could be entirely wrong. When approaching this problem you should keep in mind that every poster here could be entirely wrong. I do not think that giving him space is a bad idea (it's not one that you can wrong with, kind of like a doctor saying get some rest :p), but keep in mind that when you do talk about this issue, you may find that he tells you we were all wrong.

[Holly]

...I deserve better.Then cut bait right now and move on. Hayley up until this last post of yours, I was really pulling for you. You're acting more male than he is. You are both locked in a game of, "quien es mas macho" (who is more manly). It's a game with no winners, only losers. But hey, you only have 3 1/2 months invested so no big deal, right? You've been given a lot of advice that has been dead on. I guess that should all be chucked and you move on. Oh, good luck with the gig tomorrow night.

[Kaitlyn26]

Then cut bait right now and move on. Hayley up until this last post of yours, I was really pulling for you. You're acting more male than he is. You are both locked in a game of, "quien es mas macho" (who is more manly). It's a game with no winners, only losers. But hey, you only have 3 1/2 months invested so no big deal, right? You've been given a lot of advice that has been dead on. I guess that should all be chucked and you move on. Oh, good luck with the gig tomorrow night.

The "fight or flight" instinct is not exclusive to gender and she's developing that instinct in response to the situation. It's perfectly normal, but it's important to not let it get the best of you.

[Steph.TS]

I'm not sure how much I can add to this, only that I'm sure others have mentioned that generally this kind of thing tends to stay with the person CD'ing they can suppress it but eventually the urge will come back. the other thing I feel I should mention is in your OP you mention that you didn't want him to feel ashamed of this side of him, it's great you want him to feel better more at ease with this side of himself, but I think that shame feeling is also part of the person that you fell in love with. look at me, I'm on a different path, I want to become a woman, I too feel a great shame, hide it from my family, friends, and coworkers. I try to cope with this with therapy and trying to move closer to my goal as safely as I can.

If I didn't feel this shame, I'd go out dress as a woman, I'd feel freer to speak to everyone about this part of me, my attitude and actions would to totally different. my shame, and fear regarding my feelings help define who I am. by removing the fear, guilty, and shame it will be a growing experience for him, and you'll see him more able to embrace this side of himself, I'm just concerned that if the sight of him in a mini skirt makes you ill if him embracing this side of himself is really what you want. Whatever happens I hope it works out for both of you.

[Roxann]

My wife and I had the same problem some what, we had go back and be honest with each other first and no hiding anything and trust each other first and get our love for each other back, and then go slowing. it will not go way, this site is very good, lot of good people with good information

good luck
Roxann

[Maria 60]

Ill make this as short as i can, for me reading this tells me he really cares about you not to take the chance of losing you. If he didn't care about you he could have taking a chance at any time and not cared about the outcome. I was forced to live a secret for 24yrs. and then told my wife about a month after we were married, only because i figured that one day i was going to slip and i didn't want her to find out that way. In my opinion you jumped the gun and could have waited a little longer in the relationship, i don't think i would spill the beans to someone i just meet a few months ago. Good luck to both of you and you came to right place if you want to be with him and understand him. LIVE,LOVE and LAUGH.

[Tina B.]

Point, it took me five years after marriage before I was secure enough to tell my wife, she did not feel like vomiting, because of love, and years invested in knowing each other, we felt very secure, and the news hardly made a ripple. She has never in thirty five years told me she thought she deserved better. Think about how you're acting about all of this, no wonder he didn't say anything, after all you two have not dated long enough to know just where it will wind up, and most of us will not tell until we know the answer to that. And as far as getting him to open up now, that he is running scared, I just don't see that happening. depending on how that initial conversation went, will have a lot to do with the possibility of getting things back on track latter. But I do have to agree with Karren, and others, if the thought of your boyfriend in a skirt makes you physically sick, run, run as fast as you can and get away from him, don't make you and him miserable trying to save him, you can't, and maybe he can't. I love my wife, as much as anyone loves there partner, but I know, I can not, and will not stop being who I am, and I would never want to live with someone, that looked down on me, for being what I have always been. Just be glad the way you feel, you didn't learn about it, 22 years into a marriage, it happens all the time.
Tina B.


scariestrest thing to a man, is a women saying "we have to have a talk"

[marlaNYC]

wow, the more i read this thread, the more my thought that'd it'd be more acceptable to be gay than to be a crossdresser gets reinforced.

i find it really tragic that he won't discuss this with you. this is an an amazing opportunity for him to wipe the slate and let his feelings out, explain to you (and by way himself) what it is about the dressing/the relationship/the prior trust issues that affects him, to have a clean sheet to begin again with you on if you're willing to accept that what 'we' corssdressers do is not harmful, dangerous, dark, dirty or seedy. to shut down and shut you out, well, just doesn't seem right.

but then again, maybe that's just because i'm old and can't really be bothered keeping that crap inside anymore!

[cassandra54]

i've been in similar situations before with women i just met. from my own experience, trusting them and giving them enough rope to hang themselves with was a waste of time. i knew things would not end well but thought if i loved them that it would work out. reality was i was just need and wanted to believe someone could love me. i am somewhat socially challenged, so fitting in is not easy for me.

i don't know if you're like i was, but at one time in my life i believed that having a GF or wife came before anything else. right now, i am pretty happy with who i am and my SO and all that stuff. even though we do have an open relationship, i am not desperate or needy to find intimate partners, so being alone is not a problem and i actually quite enjoy it.

one thing i notice in your story is that he's had a lot of activity on sending messages on this website in the last month. if he's sending and receiving messages telling women things, there's a whole lot more going on than he's telling you. and the fact that he already withheld something from you when you said you trust him about 90% of the time after that, and then this happened.

there are two questions,
1. will he be faithful and remain so? who knows, even without this happening, remember lots of relationships go up in smoke when secrets are revealed.
2. is can you accept EVERYTHING he might reveal to you. trust me i think there's going to be a lot more.

i think you see where i'm going with this. 3.5 months, if it were me i would cut and run. and trust me once again, he will say or confess even more just in the hopes you will stay with him.

one thing i've learned from experience is this: is anyone i meet for friendship or intimacy in the future will know EVERYTHING going in.

[suchacutie]

I'm sitting here with my jaw dropped, and I'm physically moved for sorrow at this situation. Sadly, I'm also nodding my head because I'm not really very surprised in any thing that's been said. Let me explain:

When my wife and I found Tina we started educating her. No, that's the wrong word. We started "socializing" her. We quickly realized what many authors have been trying to explain for years (also see Reine's reference), that is, "men and woman are not socialized in any way that is similar or overlapping". It's as if we work hard at "training" little boys and little girls to NOT understand each other! So, as we reach the age of consent, we are about as far apart emotionally as is possible!!! Any relationship between members of the opposite sex effectively starts in trouble! We've all heard men say, "I'll never understand women!", and women look at the absurd way men handle some issues and just steam! One thing Tina has done for me and my wife is to bridge that gap. As we spoke about our upbringings, our views on everything, and what Tina needed to understand, we constantly looked at each other in amazement.

Now, add to that disaster waiting to happen the fact that your bf has a part of himself that society has probably told him over and over is wrong, wrong, wrong!!! Suddenly, the woman he dearly loves has found it and initially was not at all happy (just like the rest of society). This is completely not your fault. Both of your initial responses was programmed in for your entire lives, and a couple of months of being together is not nearly enough to build up a continuity that could weather this initial cataclysm.

Being a young woman, you did what you have been programmed to do: you got over your initial emotional reaction and started to look for solutions. You reached out and started to find people who could help you talk this out. You collected background information and began to understand. You tried to build bridges with your bf based upon your new knowledge, but, of course, he did not have this new knowledge, so the impact was zero, and you became dispondant. In all honesty, you could start writing a book and I bet you it would be a best seller.

Being a young man, he is overloaded. His defense mechanism is to go hide...make it go away...be ashamed...don't let anyone know! There is no way he can "win" from his current perspective, and winning is an important part of the young male ego. It's not that he doesn't want to believe you are in his corner, it's that he has no mechanism for believing that. It's hard to believe, I was that age once and he really has no positive emotional mechanisms to handle this. Virtually no young male does. As Reine said, many of us do eventually "grow up" (not all, sadly), it takes men a serious amount of time to resocialize.

The problem is, you aren't going to wait until he is 40 to get back together with him smoothly. I am not optimistic that he will break out of this shell by himself. His guy friends (if any) are probably telling him to "cut bait" and move on, which is not helpful at all, but that's the "guy" way of handling it at that age (terrible, isn't it?).

So, I stand my ground from before: If you sit back and wait for him to figure it out, it could take him a decade and both of you will feel the loss. If he hasn't responded in a couple of days, what have you got to lose? Barge into his life, sit him down, and tell him (don't ask) to tell you all about his feminine self. Tell him you are so very interested (it will be fascinating, I'm sure). When he starts, tell him how proud of him you are that he is sharing this with you, that he trusts you enough to tell you all about it. Tell him you understand how hard it is and how impressed you are (you will be, I'm sure). As he begins to understand that you really are interested, he will begin to calm down and you two can move forward.

If he rejects your advances.....then you will have the knowledge that you tried but that it was not to be. He does need to trust you, and if he can't at this stage then it will take time that you are probably not in a position to grant.

I so wish you the best with this, no matter which direction it takes. If he does come to trust you with this, it can be an amazing start!

tina

[suchacutie]

Scarlet, I appreciate your view, but if he has gone into his shell is does not come out he has already flown and it's over. One can either accept that or make a last-ditch effort.

There are many ways to do this. One is continued texting, or intervention of a mutual friend, or a cute card in the mail. There have been those who went to the extreme of renting a billboard with I Love You on it! Only InShock can know which might be best. I know that if I were in her shoes and I really loved him, I'd fight for him until the last stitch. Only she can know how to do that. Else, she can only stand back and let it wither, as I see it.

But that's why we are all here: to give varied opinions. It's all we can do, sadly.

tina

[HayleyGG]

Ok, let me explain a couple things because I'm feeling slightly attacked here.

1: The vomit thing. I think most of you are misunderstanding that. I'm not physically I'll when I solely think of my boyfriend in a skirt. Please, I'm a little more open minded than that. It's just clothing. When I originally said that when I saw his picture I wanted to vomit, it was one of those physical reactions because of trauma. Have you ever found out someone cheated on you? Have you ever found out someone betrayed you? Have you ever found out someone told an embarrassing secret about you? It's like that. As I said, I was shaking, couldn't breathe, and was nauseous. Trauma, shock-not the sight of him.

2: I said I "deserve better." Taken out of context, that would be a pretty rude thing to say. However, that's not all I said, and it hurts that some of you are telling me to just end it, that it's already over, or that you're no longer on my side. What I had said was that if he's going to treat me poorly from now on, or go as far as leaving me based only on what happened this week, then that's not fair, not my fault, and I would deserve better. However, that has not happened. I never meant that I deserve better than him in general, because he does take very good care of me and I also take very good care of him. I was in a very dark place yesterday, and my last post last night was written in tears, anger, confusion, frustration, and depression. None of you have gone through what I went through this week (not at all to discount what you HAVE gone through on the other side of this), but try to imagine what I went through in which you had to find out a shocking secret about your SO in the manner I did (which most of you have been very empathetic about, thank you) and then imagine that afterward, they don't want anything to do with you, don't want to speak to you, and you have no one else in your life to help you through it because you can't talk about it. Makes you a little confused and sad, eh? Is he too embarrassed to face me? Does he want to end the relationship? I didn't know, because he wouldn't tell me. It's an incredibly scary thing to be alone, have no answers, and think the worst. That's what I was going through yesterday, so my last post might have been a little dark because I'm grasping at straws right now wondering if I still have the man that I love, but getting no answers.

You all have been SO helpful, thoughtful, beautiful, understanding, and sweet...but lately I feel like I have to defend myself a lot. You are all I have right now, and it hurts that some of you are forming this negative opinion of me and no longer supporting me because I feel like I've lost everything. Tina is absolutely right. I need to fight for him, and dammit, I will. I love him.

[Kaitlyn26]

Ok, let me explain a couple things because I'm feeling slightly attacked here.

1: The vomit thing. I think most of you are misunderstanding that. I'm not physically I'll when I solely think of my boyfriend in a skirt. Please, I'm a little more open minded than that. It's just clothing. When I originally said that when I saw his picture I wanted to vomit, it was one of those physical reactions because of trauma. Have you ever found out someone cheated on you? Have you ever found out someone betrayed you? Have you ever found out someone told am embarrassing secret about you? It's like that. As I said, I was shaking, couldn't breathe, and was nauseous. Trauma, shock-not the sight of him.

2: I said I "deserve better." Taken out of context, that would be a pretty rude thing to say. However, that's not all I said, and it hurts that some of you are telling me to just end it, that it's already over, or that you're no longer on my side. What I had said was that if he's going to treat me poorly from now on, or go as far as leaving me based only on what happened this week, then that's not fair, not my fault, and I would deserve better. However, that has not happened. I never meant thy I deserve better than him in general, because he does take very good care of me and I also take very good care of him. I was in a very dark place yesterday, and my last post last night was written in years, anger, confusion, frustration, and depression. None of you have gone through what I went through this week (not at all to discount what you HAVE gone through on the other side of this), but try to imagine what I went through in which you had to find out a shocking secret about your SO in the manner I did (which most of you have been very empathetic about, thank you) and then imagine that afterward, they don't want anything to do with you, don't want to speak to you, and you have no one else in your life to help you through it because you can't talk about it. Makes you a little confused and sad, eh? That's what I was going through yesterday, so my last post might have been a little dark because I'm grasping at straws right now wondering if I still have the man that I love, but getting no answers.

You all have been SO helpful, thoughtful, beautiful, understanding, and sweet...but lately I feel like I have to defend myself a lot. You are all I have right now, and it hurts that some of you are forming this negative opinion of me because I feel like I've lost everything. Tina is absolutely right. I need to fight for him, and dammit, I will. I love him.

Inshock, that anger, frustration and all of those dark emotions are your survival instinct kicking in. You're just a little scared, that's all.

I've been through a very similar situation to yours. If you want to hear the story, pm me. I'm not going to get into it here. I know exactly how you're feeling. Absolutely helpless, and frustrated that he is not talking to you. This frustration, and your feeling that you do want to barge into his life and force him to talk to you, could cause problems.

[docrobbysherry]

Hayley, I'm old. I've had lot's of experiences and many relationships with women. Including being married and divorced. It sounds like your BF is simply "being a guy". Because he's doing what I've, and many of my male friends have done, in similar circumstance. Just crawl deep into our man caves and hibernate until our "winter" is over!

And, my advice to u is, be the woman u really r! If u feel like calling him, CALL HIM! You'll feel better and he'll get your message, "I'm here. I care!" Similar messages from women, have roused me out of my self imposed "hibernation" on more than one occasion! It MAY work on him too, eventually. Freezing men out of their caves is NOT a good tactic for normally more emotional females, in MY experience!

And, altho it SOUNDS to u like u r being "attacked" here, I think it's more a case of the girls trying to prep u for what seems inevitable; the end of your relationship!

[TGMarla]

Hang in there, Hayley. All this will be behind you soon, and no matter the outcome, you'll be better for it. Ignore the nay-sayers who don't know your situation, and concentrate on all the positive advice you've received. This is not an easy thing, as you well know. Be strong, and be true to yourself. I know you'll get through this, and with a little luck and perseverance, you'll come out of it with everything intact.

[Trish1]

Haley,
My name is Trish and I am a girlfriend also. First I really need you to take a deep breath for me and get your heart rate down. I am here for you to help you understand and to help you and your boyfriend as well. I do understand the emotions you are feeling, but once you start breathing deeply and can calmly think, I hope things will start to make more sense. I will tell you my story and maybe this will help you. None of us are here to hurt or critisize you, but to help you. My story starts a few months back. I met this really wonderful man, and after being a single parent for so long, I thought I needed to pinch myself because he is so wonderful that I thought it could not be true. During the first week we dated he told me about his military career and briefly about some of the situations he was exposed to while he was in Iraq. And let me tell you, they were very dangerous life threatening ones. As the week went on he started to confide in me these feelings he was having. At first we thought it might be a sexual fetish and yes at first I was concerned, but as the weeks went on and the more I became closer to my guy I realised this was deeper. For most of the girls on the site, dressing up as a woman is a way to feel secure in times when their world feels out of control. It is a way for them to be "someone" else for a time, to help them ground themselves so they can face what life is throwing at them. Sometimes, it is because they love the attention of how they look, but most of the time, it is an issue of feeling secure. It is a way for them to be someone different, for a time where they can relax and let their guard down. Please dont think badly of any of them, This can be something you can learn and share together and become a very close couple. I do understand about feeling lied to. But please look at it from his perspective, most people react badly and for these girls, they have to hide it, because to many of them have lost their significant others when they tried to be honest and include them. Sometimes it takes time for a person to feel it is the "right" time to tell the significant other. And just like you, your boyfriend was afraid of being rejected and hurt if you found out, so he probably chose to keep quiet. Please, Please give him another chance to be open and honest with you. I pray that he will feel a connection with you and will include you. It does take time to work through your feelings and no it is not wrong to have them. I think a lot of us felt just as confused when we found out. fortunately, my guy is my soul mate and we connected in every way fairly early on. We have a wonderful relationship and she is my best friend and one day we are wanting to get married. Hayley, please stay strong for your boyfriend, he has moments where he will feel just as confused and overwhelemed as you do. The key is to have open communication with him. Calmly talk to him about feeling like you were lied to, but dont accuse him or you will push him away. Give him a chance to show you what his CD is about. Be involved with him and allow him to be by your side. I promise that the feelings you are having will start to change as you and your boyfriend become closer. A lot of times this is about something much deeper than a fetish, maybe you can be there for him to help him through this. We on this site are here to help you as well. I hope that I was able to help you and anytime you need, any one of us on this site are there for you. We all have moments where we fall apart. But we all have to be here for each other to pick the other up. Hayley, you are not alone. Please have faith and let God guide you. Talk to your boyfriend and be calm and if he truely is for you, he will be there for you too. Be strong Hayley, we are here for you.
Trish

[Sam-antha]

I think that we should perhaps get clear on the groundwork in this thread. We are involved primarily in a Culture Thing. People are all human with similarly based likes and dislikes. Broadly speaking the male is looked up to as the "provider" the macho part of humanity. The female is the subserviant ; children, kitchen or as the Germans have it Kirche, Kinder, Kuche.
Our likes and dislikes revolve around our conditioning. Remember that bad lot, the Nazis ? Or not so long ago the inequality and hatred of all people black.
We are not 100% male/female but even if we were there would still be covetous desires. Clothing in this case, men have a restricted choice compared with the women. Scents are restricted in potency, likewise hairstyles.
Sexual issues likewise and that should be extended to include borderline curiosity into those "deviations" which are probably normality, hidden by our conditioning. There are words too "Arse" which is now acceptable but the word "bottom" was originally the only acceptable word to our parents. Never mind "Gay" or "BDSM" or whatever you may have discovered and probably investigated when you first found it. It is so easy given the internet to involve onesdelf in things that were unknown to you grandparents let alone your parents, or in this case, yourself.
As life continues more hidden aspects of civil\ation will confront you and you will either reject or accept them. This current bf of around one hundred days may be the tip of the iceberg. I feel for him.


Either accept him and his ideas or pick up and run.

Just please tell us which it is to be.

~Samm

[Eryn]

I'm feeling slightly attacked here.

I don't blame you. I don't think that it's so much attacked as "over-advised" by a lot of folks with disparate experiences. Most of us are CDers who *really* want to see your CD-GG relationship work. Others have had bad experiences and therefore equate your situation with theirs.

We might give you some insight into how we tick or examples of how other CD-GG couples get along, but ultimately you need to do what is right for you.

I see you have nine posts at this point. Make another one and then PM Reine about joining the FAB Forum. The GGs there might be able to provide insight and advice that better address your situation.

[Trish1]

Hayley,
I truly hope that there has been some helpful advice for you. I am saddend at some of the responses that have caused negative feelings, because these girls are all wonderful in their own right. Some have been severly rejected by their GG's and for that I am beside myself for the way they have been treated. I am also sorry for the feeling of being attacked on this forum. I think some of the girls have been hurt badly in their lives and are not sure how to help you. Everyone on this forum is loved and welcomed. Whether you are a CD or a GG(significant other). Hayley, if you love you BF then let him know. If he is the right one for you, then he will calm down and talk to you. He might be feeling embarassed that you caught him. Let him know you are there for him. But dont push, insult, or badger him. He will talk when he see's you are serious in being there for him. Be prepared if he choses to not get back in contact with you though, if that happens we are all here for you also. And the blessing is that you are making some wonderful new friends from all around the nation. I am a significant other GG (Girlie Girl) who is very proud of her Donna. And God could not have blessed me with anyone better. Love You Donna. I hope all of us on this forum will have compassion and help each other and not attack anyone. We have all had moments in our lives where we felt alone and I am praying that we can make Hayley feel welcomed not alienated for having feelings right now that she is trying to understand. As Hayley learns more she will become more understanding. Everyone of us GG/significant others went through this and everyone of us has grown in our knowledge and understanding and now proudly support our CDer. Hayley, Hang in there and know you are loved.
God Bless
Trish

[juno]

Dear InShock,
No matter what happens, you should be proud of yourself for trying to understand.

Dishonesty is a big issue with crossdressers, because they fear discovery and often have difficulty understanding why they even do it. A normally honest male will still hide crossdressing, and may even feel bad about having to lie.

[Kaitlyn26]

Others have had bad experiences and therefore equate your situation with theirs.


You sound very naive right now.

[ReineD]

^ Kaitlin, it's true that many people read their own experiences in other people's circumstances. It's just plain human nature.

At this point, since the OP said she's feeling somewhat attacked (I agree with Eryn that it may be more a question of overload ... this thread got huge real fast), I'd like to request those of you who have responded several times to just step away for a while and allow others to have their say. Sometimes the back & forth posts can seem argumentative even when the motive is pure and there is only a wish to help. You've said what you need to say, and now please let it rest.

:hugs:

[HayleyGG]

And here's number ten!

Alright, update. Things are now going well. Marla kept me from going insane last night, thank you again. Against my better judgment of leaving him alone, I decided to email him last night. After all, that's how we always do our best communicating because we can think things through thoroughly, edit how we're speaking to each other, and fully get our thoughts out. I sent him an email with the research I'd been doing since Wednesday, and I also sent him this thread because you ladies have given me some amazing advice and compassion. I honestly can say I couldn't be where I am right now without you. Seriously.

I also included a personal message in the email and told him what I had done with the forum, and asked him not to be angry because I thought he might feel like I "told" on him. I haven't told a single soul in my real life, and I intend to keep it that way. This is incredibly personal to him, and I respect that. And hey, it's kinda flattering being one of only two people in his life who know. :p I told him it took me a long time to read all of your responses, but that it's definitely worth his time to read all that you've had to say because it really helped me understand. As I said, he's only been doing this for about 4 years and is very new compared to most of you. I now feel like it's my job to help him embrace this and help him through it..and I'm happy taking on that role.

I also told him that I feel like his needs are taking priority over mine. I needed him more than ever these past few days, but I felt abandoned. I completely understood that he must be feeling disgusting about himself, but that's why I kept sending encouraging texts to let him know I still love him, nothing has changed, and that I forgive him. I no longer feel betrayed by him, and this incident has not affected my trust in him. I completely understand why he didn't tell me, and I actually feel lucky that I found out so soon, unlike nearly all of your stories. So I told him that I'll give him this weekend as the space he needs (we only spend weekends together because we're about an hour apart), but that I don't know where our relationship lies, and it's breaking my heart. Because he wouldn't tell me what he was feeling or thinking, I thought the worst and thought he was considering breaking up. So, I've been miserable. I told him that I'd really like to just forget that Wednesday ever happened and continue being us like normal. If we don't talk about the CD business for a little while, that's just fine...because we're still who we were last week.

I woke up this afternoon with a wonderful email back from him. He thanked me from the bottom of his heart for reaching out to the forum to understand him. He isn't angry, and he discussed the concerns he's been having. He's basically worried that I no longer trust him because of this and that it has damaged our relationship. He's very sorry and never wanted to hurt me like this. Like you all were, he was also concerned about nauseating me, which I clarified that it doesn't nauseate me, as I explained to all of you. I apparently didn't communicate that point clearly to anyone..haha.

He's not sure if he wants to stop or not, but did explain to me why he does it and what he feels. He's also concerned about my image of him now. If I don't see him as a man anymore, if every time he buys me something if I'll attribute it his feminine side, if I'll throw nasty comments at him about it in a fight, and if he can actually trust me with this information. He also feels, like I do, that our relationship has somehow taken a hit because of this, and wants to make sure our relationship is in good standing before we even address the CDing. He said he wants to space for both of us to calm our emotions, and remember why we love each other and why we're together.

So, I wrote back and I hope I eased his mind about everything. I told him again that I forgive him for not telling me, it did not diminish my trust in him, I understand why he didn't tell me and don't fault him for it, I accept him for who he is, I fully support him in whatever choice he makes, I'm willing to dress with him to try it out then perhaps do couple things you all have suggested like shopping or laying out clothes for him, I still feel our relationship is the same, I will NEVER throw it in his face, his secret is completely safe with me, that I want to move on from this, and dammit, that I'm actually a little excited to explore this with him.

I also told him that I don't think we need time apart right now, we need time together. We need some normalcy to get back on track, and right now we need each other the most. I said that even if we just lay there holding each other without even speaking, that that's all we need right now. I already have a calm head, and I already remember why we love each other and why we're together. So, as I said, I have a gig tonight near his place, so I suggested that we compromise and I come over after my gig around midnight. That way he got 2/3 of the weekend alone, and I get to see him for one day. I also said I recognize that he's asked for his time alone, so if he feels at any point that he still wants to be alone, I won't be offended and I'll leave. I thought that was a pretty good compromise. I even said that if he's feeling stressed out today still, that maybe he should throw on a skirt to release some anxiety. :) I said to do it because I know he's doing it, he enjoys it, I accept it, I respect it, and he shouldn't have anything to feel guilty about because I know about it. So we'll see what he says. I'll be pretty bummed out if he tells me not to come over, but I'm pretty sure he won't. He really is a great man, he cares about me, wants to make me happy, and often makes concessions to make me happy. After all the emotions we've felt this week, and how much closer we are because there are no secrets between us, perhaps we'll make the best love we've ever made tonight. ;)

So once again, thank you ladies for all of your help. I couldn't have done it without you. You're truly amazing people, and if I can ever help you with anything, please let me know.

I'm healed!!!!!!

[brassieres]

Hi again Inshock, you are both strong people! You both are fortunate to have each other!

[DonniDarkness]

Inshock,

This is great news! Ive been following your thread and sending happy thoughts your way.

There is a plethora of information here that can help you thru understanding the psyche of a crossdresser. The GG's here have a forum group you should join, they help and support the spouses of CDers and Trangendered folks.

From reading your posts i can tell you are incredibly IN love with this man. Communicating in any way you can with each other is the golden key to success in any relationship including one involving a TG person.

My wife and i have been married for 10 years this December, she has know about my crossdressing since about a year into dating. I went through some periods of self denial and self hate from shame for being who i was internally, it led me down a very dark path in life.....without her support and love i would never have been able to pull myself out of depression. Being a crossdresser is an incredibly difficult thing for men to cope with, because of the worlds view of us.

Be there for him, he will need your support in the coming years. If he is comfortable with it, then do your best to a part of his crossdressing in some way. My wife first started by giving me alone time, like you have suggested. Which is good at first, but for me it later felt like it separated us more. Now all these years later we share that time together. We get sitters for our kids and she makes candlelit dinners for us while i get dressed and we have girls movie nights. (and the occasional "Handcuff and porno night") :) But the point im trying to make is, it is awkard for both of you now. Just comunicate through the awkwardness and down the road in your lives together you will be stronger for it as a couple.

From this statement i know the two of you will do just fine.

:) I said to do it because I know he's doing it, he enjoys it, I accept it, I respect it, and he shouldn't have anything to feel guilty about because I know about it. Good Luck Inshock, we wish you the best in your new adventures as a Crossdressing Couple

Supporting the Communication,
-Donni-

P.s.
(to the forum members)
There have been responses to this thread that are disheartening to someone who is in emotional distress. As forum member please take care not to inflate the situation by being negative. If you do not have a way to help someone who is asking for it, move on to the next thread. Seriously.

[*Vanessa*]

I am more then a little sure your current take on this situation and how you resolved your feelings falls into a very small group of woman that have been faced with the same knowledge. Your inclusion and care of his feelings is impeccable, so complete. It shows how we can use social media to access information on sensitive subjects that are effecting us at any given moment. To take that information and process it as our needs arise. I commend you on standing by our own convictions within your relationship. Sure the obvious is going to happen, life is what happens as we are planning it. Remember, if we let our SOs experience life the way they would like to (excluding any harm), it more often then not comes back as a more meaningful and far richer life experience.

Thank-you for sharing your experience.

[Alberta_Pat]

I'm healed!!!!!!

Hayley;
Congratulations on coming to your conclusions. It is a treat to hear.

As for your comment that you are healed, I truly doubt that. Well on the mend for sure, but the trauma will take a long time to heal.

Life will never be the same for either of you now. Just another experience to add to the book of your life. File it under good, or not so good as it fits for you.

Many of us are happy to have been here for you. We will stand with you in your decisions in regards to this relationship, as our opinions don't really count. Valid though they may be.

You can request a name change if you feel ready for that here as well.

We hope that your B/F will join us here as well. Once he has 10 posts, he too can request membership in the "boys back room", where he will be able to discuss some of his more difficult feelings and concerns.
May I also suggest that you look around your community to see if there is a crossdressing support group. It may be difficult to find (we tend to be a bit reclusive). Your local LGBT office can help you get in touch if the group is not out in the open.

Thanks so very much for sharing this trying time with us. Hopefully, your lace handkerchiefs did not take too much abuse.

Pat

[Sam-antha]

I am pleased and glad that you are looking forward with him. Happy that you are forward looking.
Be good, cherish him.

~Samm

[giuseppina]

Hello Hayley

Glad to hear you and your BF are talking again. :)

The purpose of the negative posts were to set you back on your heels and make you think about what you were doing and the situation in which you find yourself. I highly doubt the underlying motivation behind them was malicious or nefarious, though a few were a bit too near the bone for my tastes.

I see progress, but you and your BF are going to have to learn to communicate better and with less drama if your relationship is to survive. Yes, I've been extremely blunt and forthright about it, but my remarks are meant as constructive criticism and most certainly not an attack.

[Aprilrain]

To call this a "lie" is just not right.
Perhaps this relationship has not yet reached the point where this disclosure was ready to come out.

UM??? he"s "sleeping" with her! when was going to be a good time for him to share? Before or after the love child!:heehee:

[ReineD]

Inshock, I'm glad that things are working out, finally. Crisis averted! :D

[BRANDYJ]

Inshock, Your last post is the best thing I read here today! I am happy for you and happy for the guy you love. It looks like you both care deeply for each other and can now deal with what ever comes. It is so beautiful to have someone you love to express anything and everything openly and honestly with. This last few days has tested that trust and committment to each other. I wish you both the very best. I see happy days ahead.

[docrobbysherry]

:sad:Pass the tissues.

Don't u just LOVE happy endings, Scarlet!?

Hayley! Don't forget to send us an invite to the wedding! Seriously, as a woman, U ROCK, HAYLEY!

[paulaloha]

To echo what Sherry said "Seriously, as a woman, U ROCK HAYLEY!"

I am so happy to hear that things are looking up for you guys! As I was reading your last post I couldn't help but smile, I was filled with happiness for you and your boyfriend. He is one of the luckiest guys I don't know! :)

Once again, so happy to hear that all is going much better!

Reading this in particular made me smile, "I will NEVER throw it in his face, his secret is completely safe with me, that I want to move on from this, and dammit, that I'm actually a little excited to explore this with him."

And as for your comment in the email to him about throwing on a skirt if he feels stressed. I will say if I had a girlfriend and she told me to do that, I think I might faint.

Keep on encouraging him, whatever he decides to do.

[Ann Thomas]

Quite a story, and quite a change of heart on your part, Hayley!

I've not had time to read all the posts written *to* you, but have read the ones you've written. (Hence I'm sure a portion of my post here will be redundant.)

My story is probably quite similar to many already posted, so I won't go into mine much. I'm older as well, been dressing since I was young. I also had times I felt like your boyfriend described, and also thought the same way he's expressed to you.

For me, it's taken me over a decade to come to terms with my crossdressing within myself. I have found that by feeling I was a freak, abnormal, or there was an evil part of me, by thinking so I exhibited many of the same traits your boyfriend is expressing. By accepting myself, those traits have greatly diminished. I am not totally there yet.

I dress almost all the time, and underdress for work (blue collar - yes the guys at work have seen my bra lines.) I go out in public doing my best, but undoubtedly looking like a guy in a dress. But, I find that my confidence level has greatly increased over the last year.

I still long for acceptance, sexually included. I suspect that's why he hid the bdsm stuff from you. He may or may not realize that. He also may or may not know where all this is heading for him. (Personally I feel my crossdressing is a hormonal issue that is based in certain things in my DNA, and as any person, hormones change throughout life, so the feelings are changing, sometimes gradually, sometimes not. In the past, I've said many times I would never crossdress again. But, I had no idea where this path would take me, and find embracing it greatly reduces the urges and makes it more controllable.)

I really appreciate what you said you emailed him (apparently some time today before your DJ gig.) Like others on this list who posted in response to that latest post, it brings a tear to my eye as well, thinking of how I wish I had that same kind of support and acceptance in my life. I do truly hope the best for you and that he does meet up with you. But, I noticed you had not yet gotten a response from him. He may not respond, but that may be because he's torn between feelings he doesn't yet understand.

In any event, I wish to offer you my support as well. All t he best to you. I added your email address to my contact list and will be there for you if you need someone to talk to.

Hugs,
Ann

[suchacutie]

Fantastic!!!!

:):):)

Tina

[NicoleScott]

Good Luck Inshock, we wish you the best in your new adventures as a Crossdressing Couple.

But this is not the only conclusion. You don't have to be a "crossdressing couple" in order to have a great relationship. If you accept it and respect it but don't like to see him en femme, it's OK. Many couples thrive by staying in their traditional roles while allowing each other to pursue other interests. A good relationship does not require full participation in everything.

[camron]

I remember a saying " the clothes makes the person" or something to that nature, don't remember it word for word and now that I am getting older it make sense.

Back when I was young, when the testosterone was flowing like water, all I knew was every female on the planet was BEAUTIFUL. Now that I am considered a Senior Citizen, I am seeing the clothes thing, you take a female without makeup, put her in loose fitting jeans and a t shirt and you have a plain Jane and you can do your chores around the farm, BUT, let plain jane put on her makeup, a short black dress, pantyhose and heels and the man will be giving hog slop to the chickens and giving chicken feed to the hogs.

I remember back when making out with a gf when those pantyhose were rubbing against me, made me want to wear a pair so I could have the feeling of them rubbing me like they were when we were making out, and it does, I love wearing them. Now for heels I don't know what it is about them but they drive me wild and it's surely different wearing a pair of them, and different is a good thing.

So to make a long story short, I see now that it was the clothes and makeup, and not the person that got my juices flowing.

[CallieH]

Hi there! Let me start off by introducing myself - my name's Calvin, and I'm the extremely lucky boyfriend of Hayley, who started this thread. Secondly, I'd like to thank every single one of you who has posted here. Your advice has been invaluable, and thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers as we go through this incredibly difficult phase.

It's been a week since Hayley found out about my alter-ego, and it wasn't in favorable circumstances either, as you've all read. Since then she has been an absolute gem with how she has approached it. I, on the other hand, have not been a fraction as magnificent as she has with dealing with the issue and the fallout. Yet she has persisted in working together to mend the breach of trust and the wonderful relationship that we share.

I have to say that as cliched as it sounds, a great burden of guilt and shame has been lifted off my shoulders. Hayley has been very supportive in talking to me about my crossdressing, and helping me understand that this is not an abnormal thing just because it is abhorred by society. We're still working on how it will fit in as we proceed with our relationship, and where we will be setting the boundaries at. At her encouragement I signed up here and have come across a whole treasure trove of information. I'm hoping to get to know some of you, and the circumstances you find yourselves in.

That's enough from me for now, once again thank you everyone here, and if there is any way we could be of help to anyone, do not hesitate to contact us!

Calvin

[*Vanessa*]

Please to meet you Calvin
Ya there is a lot of help from some very smart people here. After you have 10 post under your belt (I think) you will be able to receive private messages, take that opportunity!

You will be fine.
Vanessa

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Callie, :welcom: to the crossdressers.com community. I hope you will have seen from this thread that we are a fairly friendly bunch of people who like to support one another.

I'm really glad that the two of you have started working together on this and wish you lots of joy and happiness in your relationship together. :hugs:

I know that you have had to be used to hiding this side of yourself from the majority of people, but I do hope that you will be able to share your feelings with Hayley when you are talking about the role that cross-dressing will play in your relationship. Please do both of you keep coming back and letting us know how you get on.

There is plenty to see and loads of discussions that may interest you, so come on in and have some fun.

[Mikaela]

Welcome Calvin and Hayley. You'll find a lot of people here willing to help and be a friend to turn to.

[DonniDarkness]

Welcome Calvin,

Read Read Read... There is alot of info here that can help both of you in finding a balance in this new relationship. Welcome to the forums.

If you have any questions send me a PM, im around.

Best Wishes,
-Donni-

[CallieH]

Vanessa - Yes Hayley told me that once I crossed 10 I'll be able to join the 'boys locker room' too! Thanks for your message!

Rianna - You all are more than fairly friendly, you're all simply wonderful

Mikaela - Thank you, we really appreciate all the support so far

Donni - Yes, there's so much information here! This site is such an invaluable resource, thanks again.

**sorry about that Reine, won't happen again**

[ReineD]

Hi Calvin, I'm so glad you joined!!! Welcome! :hugs:

[Jorja]

I managed to keep my big mouth shut for a change!:heehee: I felt that most everyone gave good advise. I am glad to see the crisis was averted and Calvin and Hailey now have each other to build a strong relationship on. Now you all know why counselors make the big bucks. ;)

I lean over and whisper in Calvin's ear..... you got a keeper here, I hope you know that!

[CallieH]

Reine - thank you much for everything

Jorja - yes I know, she's just awesome!

[Eryn]

Hi Calvin, welcome to the forum! To twist a line from a favorite movie, "A million girls would kill for your SO!"

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

Eryn

[TGMarla]

Well, hello Calvin! No femme name yet? :battingeyelashes: No matter. It's great that you joined. I hope you don't mind that I offered myself up for Hayley to unload on during this whole "crisis" week. She's a treasure, and I wish you both long happiness and a healthy relationship with one another. I appreciate that you see the great pains she took to try and come to grips with this, rather than just go off the deep end like so many women in her place might do. And who can blame them? It is truly a shock for some to find out about our little diversion.

Giver her a hug, and let her know I was thinking about both of you. Cheers!

Marla

[JohnH]

Well, hello Calvin! No femme name yet?

Marla

When I first joined the forum I went by JohnH, and then I changed it to JohannaH. I guess when the estrogen I'm taking does its work on me I will go by Johanna in real life. My middle name is Calvin.

Johanna

[*Vanessa*]

So Calvin H is that name a blend of John Calvin, a 16th-century French Reformation theologian, and Thomas Hobbes, a 17th-century English political philosopher?

A.K.A Calvin and Hobbes :heehee:

As they say "Well played Waldo" ;)

Stay in touch
Vanessa

[CallieH]

Eryn - Thank you!

Marla - I do, it's Callie, lol. You've been amazing, thank you so much for everything, we owe you big time!

Johanna - Nice to meet you!

Vanessa - Ahh, you got me ;-)

[TGMarla]

Well then, Callie, I'm glad you're here. And I accept credit cards, cash, and checks! LOL

[CallieH]

Well then, Callie, I'm glad you're here. And I accept credit cards, cash, and checks! LOL

Haha.. and we'll only pay in the form of drinks and dinner with us ;-)

[Ellepet]

God, this thread has been so eye opening. Wow! I knew Britnee for over a year before he shared with me. I had shared all my sexual experimentation and she had been supportive but not "in to" some of the things that I was into. I expressed how much that hurt me when she did that and she was instantly sorry and upset that she hurt me. It depends on what mind set she's in.

I'm so glad you both worked through this. I can only imagine finding out like that. That would be so tough especially if you have trust issues from a previous occurrence. This thread was so so helpful to me. Thank you so much sharing. That is very brave of you both, to me.

[TGMarla]

Haha.. and we'll only pay in the form of drinks and dinner with us ;-)

Hmm....that might be a while. I don't get out to New Hampshire or Massachusetts all that often. So far....I've never been! But maybe one day...we'll see!

[Eryn]

In that case, I'll give a proper welcome to Callie by her proper name!

If you would like to change it on the forum I'm sure that one of the moderators would be happy to help you!

Eryn

[GG Kathy]

Welcome to both of you. I have been watching this thread and hoping for an update and a happy ending. You are lucky to have each other.

[subwrx]

Welcome Callie you are very foutunate to have each other. Fantastic thread, best of luck to you both.

[Meghan]

Thank you, thank you for suck a wonderful post.

You have made me feel so much better...if only for tonight :)

Meghan

[AmandaJ]

Glad to see that things are working out. Good luck to you both and welcome!

[CallieH]

Elle - Thank you, and good to meet you

Eryn - I'll look into it, thanks!

Kathy - Thank you, we're working towards that happy ending

Subwrx - I really am!

Meghan - Glad we could make you smile, feel free to drop us a line if you'd like to talk

Amanda - Thank you so much!

[anonymousinmaryland]

I agrees with TGMarla; " . . . crossdressing is a lousy reason to destroy an otherwise perfectly good relationship. You two have not been together long. He only hid this from you because he felt that it was likely that you'd leave him if you found out. The fact that instead of packing up and leaving, you came here to learn and try to understand, says that you're a woman of greater depth than many. I applaud you for doing so. If you accept this part of him, he'll try to find his boundaries with you. You may find that you don't want to be around it, or you may find that it increases and enhances your sex life. You need to find what level you are comfortable with, and he needs to abide by it. I wish you both well. Good luck!

[kristinacd55]

Could this be a first? A gg and then her SO joining crossdressers on the same thread??? :eek: Has anyone seen that before? Oh, and welcome to you both! :)

[CallieH]

Anonymous - Thank you, that's where we are now, finding where we are going to keep our boundaries. I am truly lucky to have a girl like Hayley in my life!

Kristina - LOL, it does sound weird doesn't it! Thanks for the welcome.

[MonicaJean]

Hello Calvin and Inshock.

Communication. You're both reaping the benefits of going deep, but only after going through the pain of letting go of fear and shame.

I hope you both are able to enjoy the joy that the newly-found depths of your relationship has arrived at.

Communication. So many of us CD'ers never ever reach the level of depth & honesty you two are now at. Try living your entire life w/o your SO knowing about that femme part of your life! Many of have...and are. It sucks because it's so lonely.

Communiction. Dive in & enjoy the togetherness and let the loneliness and fears be only in life's rear view mirror! :)

[CallieH]

Michelle - you're right, we're finding out first hand the importance and benefits of having good communication between us

[HayleyGG]

Hey ladies! I'm not "in shock" anymore, so I had my name changed. (Thank you Reine!) I'll give you guys an update later, but I just wanted to say one thing to you.


I get it!!


The first thing most of you told me when I asked why you dress is that women's clothing just "feels nice." Well, I get it. Quick story, yesterday Calvin and I were watching hockey and he was wearing his team's jersey. My God, that thing was rough! Holy crap! I must have lost five layers of skin off my hand just from rubbing his back when my arm was around him...haha. So, you're right. Chick clothes feel awesome.

[feeps]

This thread is amazing!
I'm very glad that both of you managed to overcome these problems in the end! You are both extremely lucky people and a lovely couple, I wish you all the best :)
Hailey, I'm very happy for you and glad that you came in terms with this whole thing! And Calvin, you are a very lucky guy (and a very cute girl :) )

Big hug to both of you

[suchacutie]

There are times on this forum where we might not agree, and sometimes it really does get a bit carried away.

I think this thread is some of the best of who we are and what can be done collectively, and now we have two more wonderful people to help us to continue!

Welcome Haley and Callie! May this sometimes crazy lifestyle help the two of you to be terrifically close for a very long time!

tina

[IMkrystal]

I congratulate your courage for posting in this forum. You have received many long and detail responses, which indicate a real concern for you. I hope you success in obtaining a better understanding, from members of this website, on this life style. I still hope this forum will work openly towards that objective.

[mary simpson]

calvin h, you look amazing.love the top ur wearing

[Eryn]

Hayley and Callie, I do so much like a happy ending!

In the future there will be times when things are not so delightfully rosy as they are now (we call this the Pink Fog) When that happens please remember back to this time and the fact that your best strength is communication. You can get through anything as long as you're both willing to talk it through.

Hugs, Eryn

[sara.s]

blah blah blah ...

So once again, thank you ladies for all of your help. I couldn't have done it without you. You're truly amazing people, and if I can ever help you with anything, please let me know.

I'm healed!!!!!!

You are welcome...but we still want a treat... we are just 12 of us!

:battingeyelashes::battingeyelashes::):D:battingey elashes::devil::battingeyelashes::battingeyelashes ::daydreaming::battingeyelashes::sad::straightface :

[CallieH]

It's not so much a happy ending as it is a new beginning for us. We're still in the process of learning what makes the other tick, enjoying the best parts and working to correct the not-so-good times.

On a more personal note, the Callie side of me is excited about some of the things we will be trying together, and seeing where we're going to be setting our boundaries :-)

[TGMarla]

Man....I just love this!

And hockey fans, to boot!

[CallieH]

Man....I just love this!

And hockey fans, to boot!

LOL, we're shattering some stereotypes eh? ;-)

[SamanthaS]

I wish I had an answer for you Hayley. I too feel like a freak sometimes and wish I could stop cross dressing. As a fellow cd'er I can understand why he didn't tell you because I felt the same way when my wife of seven years found out about me. I think that when you find someone you love, your willing to hide this part of yourself to keep that person; even though you can't stop dressing. Hayley please know there are many like "us" in the world, and you can have a life with this person. He will still be a normal man in everyday life; its just that when there is a sale on women's clothing, he may want to go shopping with you :)

[HayleyGG]

Hello again. I just thought I'd check in. Even though I don't post every day, I do check this thread quite frequently during the day because you're all so amazing and I love to read what you write.

As far as an update, things have been going very well. After the initial "crisis week" (as Marla called it :) ) was over, we slipped right back into being us again...only it was tangibly different. I don't know if he feels the same, but I certainly felt it. The very first day of the awkwardness being completely gone and we were back to "us" again, we were both randomly, freely sharing embarrassing things about our past to each other over breakfast without any hesitation whatsoever, some of which had never been told to another human being before then. Neither of us judged, we just laughed together about what we shared.

Since then, we've talked about his crossdressing openly and it just comes out as natural conversation, and I don't think it's awkward for either of us at this point. We make jokes about it, talk about clothes together, talk about how messed up our "kids" will be between the two of us...it's been incredible. I feel like there's been a giant wall between us that has been destroyed. I think it's either one of two things: either because he's had this huge weight lifted off of him now that the truth is out and he doesn't have to hide any part of him from me now, he's able to freely communicate with me because he knows how accepting I am and that I won't judge him (I mean...I know about this, what the hell else could he be hiding worse than this? haha), or it's because now that I know about his "deep, dark secret," we're closer because I know the "scariest" parts of him, know that he's probably not hiding anything else from me, and that we can move forward completely openly and honestly...because perhaps we both felt a subliminal strain, resistance, or resentment because we both subconsciously knew that there wasn't complete honesty between us. Who knows?

Either way, it's been pretty great. I never mentioned this, but we used to fight a LOT. Since this has happened, our disagreements have minimized greatly, and I think it's because we're at the bare bones, completely naked and honest base of our relationship. All the cards are on the table, so now we can move forward without holding anything back. I look forward to the future, as he also mentioned, and this journey has only made us stronger. Plus, we both made a bunch of new, amazing friends. I wish we could all get together and just hug each other...haha...because you all already have a special place in my heart just in the short time we've known each other. There aren't enough hours in the day to reply personally to all of you..haha..but we're both trying our best to address everyone. We want you to know that each of your voices have been heard, no one was looked over, and we've taken all of your advice to heart. Again, we can't thank you enough.

Random replies:



I think that when you find someone you love, your willing to hide this part of yourself to keep that person; even though you can't stop dressing. Hayley please know there are many like "us" in the world, and you can have a life with this person.

I think you're right. I must admit that when I first found out, I did question whether or not I could be with him because of it, but that's only because I had no idea that this breed of straight males existed, which was my own ignorance. Once I came here and everyone explained everything to me, I realized that it doesn't affect our relationship, and that I don't consider it a "lie." My original thoughts were that he "lied" to me, but after hearing from everyone here, my thoughts morphed into what you just said-that he probably didn't tell me out of fear of losing me. I really hope that's the case, and if it is, I'm completely flattered. If someone is willing to live with their internal guilt and shame because they think there might be a chance that they'll lose me, that's pretty awesome. Little did he know, I'll always accept him for whatever/whoever he is. <3



It's not so much a happy ending as it is a new beginning for us.

This is why I love you.



And Calvin, you are a very lucky guy


The fact that instead of packing up and leaving, you came here to learn and try to understand, says that you're a woman of greater depth than many. I applaud you for doing so.


She's a treasure, and I wish you both long happiness and a healthy relationship with one another. I appreciate that you see the great pains she took to try and come to grips with this, rather than just go off the deep end like so many women in her place might do.

Giver her a hug, and let her know I was thinking about both of you. Cheers!

Marla



To twist a line from a favorite movie, "A million girls would kill for your SO!"


I lean over and whisper in Calvin's ear..... you got a keeper here, I hope you know that!


Thank you all so much for these little snippets of support for me. I really do try to be a decent person and a good girlfriend, and you've all really made me feel like I did the best I could and that I'm actually worth being with. The truth is, we're both very lucky to have each other...because he does a lot for me, too...and I'd do anything to make him happy.

:c9: