Have you been distancing yourself from friends and family?

[Jay Cee]

I've just been thinking about how I've seen my family and friends considerably less than I used to. It seems to coincide with my coming out to my SO about being TG / TS. can't think of any other good excuse for this behaviour. It's not like I've been shopping every weekend :) .

I'm thinking that it is pre-emptive - they probably won't accept me, so why should I continue to invest in them emotionally? I know - kind of harsh. Interesting what defences we put up when we feel we are going to be hurt.

Anyone have thoughts on this, or similar experiences?

[morgan51]

I am hoping for a good result as I come out to friends and family can't say how it will go so far friends have been supportive.

[Bree-asaurus]

I distanced myself from my family for a while before I came out. Turns out they were the most supportive.

I had super close friends that were like family that I thought I was closest to. I told them. They aren't in my life anymore.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I have lost about half of my "extended" family. My wife, daughter, and grand kids are very accepting as well as a FEW other family members... the rest think I am an abomination!

My feelings about my family members whop have disowned me are several:

1. We must always protect our self emotionally and physically; and be truly happy with who we are, otherwise others will turn away from us as being negative.

2. I have always been a loving and affectionate family member who truly cared about others but if a family member has turned against simply because of my transition, then I rationalize that they never really loved me in the first place so I am fine with their choice as I too do not want to be around negative people not alone my family members treating me that way.

3. I chock up their rejection as their own narrow-mindedness, insecurities, and bigotry.

4. I do not allow/permit anyone to bring me down. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and no one is going to change that. So, I am sincerely fine with them rejecting me and me writing them off as well.

5. Finally, I do not change my interaction with my family in that if there are family events or holidays shared, I go with my head held high and my chest out. If those family members who have rejected me, can't deal with my presence, them they need to stay away from family events because I am not. It's their loss not mine.

All of this my sound harsh, uncaring, or egotistical but in truth it is none of those. It is me standing tall for who I am and not allowing myself to become a victim of their insecurities.

That's my way of handling these types of real issues a lot of us face.

[Aprilrain]

I distanced myself from my parents which wasn't hard because they go to Florida for the winter. I told them shortly after they came back in the spring. I finnally had to tell them as it was obvious something was wrong (I had walked away from a 5 year marriage was suicidally depressed etc) but they didn't really know why. They were worried about me so when I told them it relieved their worries and gave them something to be mad at me about LOL. We are getting along pretty well now and my parents are actually trying to call me April, even my dad! I never thought he would ever call me April. I was named after his dad who he adores so I thought he would be disappointed that I was no longer using that name. Im sure he is but apparently he is not holding it against me.

[sandra-leigh]

Sometimes it isn't any one thing, just an accumulation of changes. Friendships wither for all kinds of reasons.

I've been distancing myself emotionally from a long time friend back home -- someone I've known since grade school. We've been drifting apart for rather some time now: for example, he has never visited me in the 19th years since I moved: indeed, I don't recall that he has ever spontaneously phoned me in that time. Not a great deal of email either. I make a point to stop and see him when I get back home, but that contact isn't reciprocated, and it is has become obvious that to him I am mostly "no longer interesting".

Would he be accepting of me? I don't know. In a way I get the feeling that he might not think about it much because to him I am perhaps now more an "acquaintance". My suspicion is that, with the drifting, his response would probably be to mentally cut whatever friendship ties remain in his mind: if we are already "nearly strangers", then this could be enough for him to say "Whatever. He's out of my life now and I'm not going to think about it."

[Wendy_Marie]

I have avoided being close to anyone my entire life...family or friends...It is only recently that I have began to accept and realize just how distant and how much I now want to rekindle such interactions.

[Starling]

My whole life I've needed periods of solitude to stay sane, but in the last couple of years I've definitely been hoarding my privacy more and more, avoiding social events whenever I can make an excuse.

I no longer have a zest for life as a male, and I feel as if everything I do as him deprives me of my true life. Until I confide in a critical mass of friends and family, I need to use my personal time to be myself--either alone, or with the tight circle of friends who know who I really am.

:) Lallie

[thechic]

i didnt distance my self from my friends or family when i came out,its just now most of my friends that i thought were close to me new keep there distance.my family wife and kids are accepting to a degree,have lost contact with my sister since out.but thats life.

[AllieSF]

From a CD's perspective, I have seen myself not seeing my immediate family and a few close neighbors as much as before. I attribute that to my getting more involved in what I am doing, that what I am doing will not be readily accepted about those family and friends that I care about, and to the fact to be able to get out as much as I want and do, my priorities have changed and my outings are not always family or friends' moments, but rather CD enjoyment related. I do regret that some, but I am trying to find the balance in my life so I do not unintentionally hurt someone I care for. For you TS's, I can see that you truly need to focus a lot more on yourselves to the point of being somewhat selfish, because your path is long, hard and a potentially crushing one as you seek your final goals. Focus is an important tool to get you through this most difficult of times.

[Michelle James]

I have not kept this a secret to anyone but my adult son. Since I am 24/7 now we don't get together with him. I'm sure he must be wondering why. I know I must tell him but ......................

[Starling]

Oh yes, Michelle, you really must tell him! He can't hear it from someone less dear to you.

:) Lallie

[Melody Moore]

I never distanced myself from anyone when I came out - my family had already started to distance themselves
from me MANY years before they ever knew I was going to transition. In fact I have never been close to them,
and was always the black-sheep & social out-cast & until last year I never had any idea why they did this to me.

One thing was very obvious to me, I was always the cause of many arguments between my parents when I did
absolutely nothing, but I always felt that I was responsible for what was going on and never knew why. Last year
I found out I was born intersex, and I can now see why they went through hell with me. My mother must have felt
like a freak and a failed mother when she gave birth. I was not what my father was expected me to be, Dad was a
farmer and expected his first born child was going to be a boy, but then I came into the world intersex, so my parents
decided they would play God with me and have me assigned the sex of a boy at birth, obviously a bad decision.

In the early days I can see how my mother did go out of her way a lot for me and defended me many times against
my father. But my relationship with my mother was very odd. While she would protect me & make sure I had everything
I needed 'material' wise but my mother never showed me any affection in the way of a hug or a cuddle. I really feel like
the relationship with my mother was very clinical & sterile - my mother also became a nurse just after I was born. What
I believe now was that "Nurture over Nature" & reparative therapy practices was used to try to redefine my gender identity.

As a child I had lots of meeting with doctors and psychiatrist going as far back as I can remember, but I had very few
words to say as a child because of how shy & repressed I was. So trying to psycho-analysis me would have been like
trying to psycho analysis a completely lifeless rock. Whatever went on there I obviously blocked out because while I
remember going to many appointments I cannot recall why I actually ever went there. My psychologist believes that
this is because I blocked everything out because the issues they were trying to address where too painful for me to
deal with and because of the obvious emotional and physical trauma I went through when they reassigned my sex at
the age of 3 years old.

So in a nutshell, I never felt close to my family, so rejection was something I was already very familiar with. My father's
way of coping was to get drunk and then he would take out his anger on me and my mother most of all. I can see now
how he blamed my mother for everything that happened to me and anything else that was wrong in their relationship
& their life. I always felt so sorry for my mother and loved her dearly although I can see that the love was not similarly
reciprocated. In the late 1980s my parents separated and then got divorced and things between me and my mother had
improved but I still never felt very close to her & I think the reason for this was related more to the fact that the damage
had already been done during my upbringing.

The real crunch point came for me in about a year before I decided to transition when I found out that my own mother,
who I had always looked up to, respected & trusted had actually been lying to me about many things about herself, my
own family & children. The most unforgivable thing was that she lied to me about the whereabouts of my children for over
6 years & had been meddling in their lives & trying to manipulate the situation to suit herself. I found this out when my
kids came looking for me. However I also had a strong suspicion that my mother was lying to me about a lot more than
that and after I found out she lied to me about my kids, I then had to consider if the other gut feelings I had about my
mother were also true.

Now I was always led to believe that I was the first born child in my mother's life and the woman I knew as my grandmother
had passed away in the early 1970s. But the truth was my real grandmother who I always knew as my aunty had an affair
with a US serviceman (also a part blood North American Indian) in Brisbane during WWII around 1944/45 which resulted in
my 'aunty' becoming pregnant as a single mother. However after my mother was born she was then raised by who I now
know was my Great Grandmother who passed away in the 70s. I figured this out many years ago because I seen a photo
of my mother as a child with her and realised that my grandmother was well & truly past menopause and could not have
ever given birth to my mother. I actually recall meeting her real father (my grandfather) as a child many years ago & even
knew back then that he was someone very significant and not just an ordinary & every day friend of the family by how my
mother behaved with him.

For many years I never gave up on trying to improve my relationship with my family & maintained regular contact with my
mother and also irregular contact with father. After their divorce in the late 1980s both parents use to run the other down
all the time and after I found out my own mother lied to me about my children, I decided to use the bitterness that existed
between my parents to find out more about my mother. This was when I found out from my father that I was not her first
born child at all. I have an older sibling who I have never known or met. My parents met when my mother travelled interstate
to stay at her sister's farm in South Australia & to have the child & put the baby up for adoption. After the adoption she went
back to her home-town of Toowoomba in Queensland to continue her life as though nothing ever happened. My father followed
her back to Queensland and this is when they got married and settled on a farm outside of the city.

So in essence my mother actually did the same thing her own mother did and followed in her footsteps as an unmarried
single mother & then went to great lengths to cover it up. The main point why I am explaining all of this is to highlight
the extent of lying that went on in my family, especially with my mother who was obviously already very accustomed
to covering up & avoiding the truth when things were not 'morally acceptable' to her.

It is so obvious now to me now that as an intersex child that I wasn't even morally acceptable in her eyes and
that is why she was so determined to raise me to be a normal boy. And it become very obvious to me that if I
was playing the game, then she was happy. I have even heard her brag about how good of a son I was, how
proud she was of me when I joined the army, bought a house, had kids & how good of a father I was to her
friends when I was playing the game.

However when I told my mother about my decision to transition this is when she showed her true colours & the
cracks really started to show. Now my mother wants nothing to do with me, she has even threatened to call police
if I turned up there, which is something I am planning to do very soon in the not too distant future. But the police
will be fully informed of the threats she has made previously and why she is reacting like this. I even know a 90 year
old woman, a very supportive friend who lives in the same town & knows my mother very well & she wants to go with
me to make sure my mother doesn't keep running away from the truth & to keep her honest.

My mother thinks I am someone other people will reject and will affect her relationships with other people but this
90 year old friend of mine has some things she wants to say to my mother about that. Mum is now retired as a
real estate agent & is still a business woman, so her friends take on a different meaning for her than mine do for
example - My mother's friends usually mean $$$ to her.

My belief is my mother feels ashamed & very guilty because of who I am and she is at a stage where she no longer wants to deal
with it, in fact her last words she ever said to me on the phone was "You are an adult now, it is your problem - you deal with it".

But the truth was I never expected her to have to 'deal with it' - an apology & the truth sure would have been
nice for all the lies she ever told me, but she is in so deep with her lies that she cannot see a way out of it now.

I don't blame my parents for what has happened - if anything I hold society responsible for conditioning their beliefs.

But I hope that Mum can make peace with me before it is too late. My father has changed a lot more than I ever
expected and seems to be showing more acceptance than my own mother does which is a remarkable turn around
from how life was for me as a child. Up until now my father has always avoided the intersex subject or any questions,
but I think he is really close to coming out and telling me the whole truth about the circumstances surrounding my
birth which he knows now is already of a strong interest to me because of the questions I have asked.

The last time I spoke with my father he was asking me questions about my transition with an interest I have never
seen before. But I won't keep pushing him on the intersex topic because I feel it will only push him further away, I
am just hoping he comes across in his own time now - I think deep down he is trying to now make peace with me
after the many years of abuse he put me & my mother through. I also know that this is also important to my mother
as well because this has always been what she wanted for our family. So I am planning to call him around Christmas
anyway so it will be interesting to see what progress has been made here.

At the end of the day I came to realise that happiness is important to everyone, even my own parents did what they
believed to be the right thing & would make me and themselves a lot more happier. However they did not know that
you cannot redefine nature and that it is NOT their fault I am who I am. But equally my happiness is also very important
and I could never really live up to their expectations as their child - I certainly did my best there, but the reality was
it always ended in a major disaster.

So my outlook is very similar to Traci's and she summarises everything I feel really. Even my own psychologist said
to me once... "The best way to find out who your real friends & family are & who really loves you is to transition"
and honestly I can testify now that there are no truer words ever spoken.

[Andrea85]

Far from it for me. Before becoming me, my awkwardness of pretending to be male made me distance myself from family and friends. I'm now closer to my parents than I ever was (excluding personal things, which I have 2 super close friends that are my mothers in that sense), I'm now slowly coming out to extended family and its going well and I'm having the relationship I should have always had with them, I'm super close with my friends now, and several are family to me now because of their acceptance of me, and I've quit distancing myself from people in general. I'm a people person now, and am helping other guys and girls get started and through their transition.

And just think. That's coming from someone who spent 25 years trying hard as possible to stay away from people in general, hiding my emotions, being suicidal (attempting multiple times and nearly succeeding twice) and being a daily cutter.

Not too shabby I don't think. :D

[Starling]

Andrea, that's great. I hope I can muster the courage to right all my screwed-up relationships and fall in love with my family for the first time in fifty years.

:) Lallie

[Rianna Humble]

Like a number of posters in this thread, i did start to distance myself emotionally from friends and family before coming out, but not since. In fact, coming out as TS has shown me that I have many more true friends than I had ever believed.

All of my family are now accepting of me (even my big brother who had the hardest time understanding) and many former political colleagues who I expected to be the most reactionary have asked me privately if there is anything they can do to support me - or just offered to be there if I need someone to let off steam to.

[Kelsy]

I always protected myself , was wary and untrusting of people, and abit aloof. Always abit of a loner. I was always "different"
I found myself becoming more distant and isolated as I contemplated coming out. I have discovered though that the reasons for
isolation were based in fear and self preservation. Once I overcame the fear and realized life continues after coming out and actually improves I find
I really don't care who knows about me I have found new freedoms. I'm becoming more outward and less afraid. Fear is the thing that has to be conquered
and when it surfaces my experience now tells me that I must confront it to win. Substantial loss in some area of life, do to revealing your true self,
is unavoidable. My daughter has totally rejected me and refuses to let my grandchildren see me but the other side of fear is hope and I am
hoping that she will change her mind. I have to be me and I will not let fear imprison me and the gains out weigh the losses. Of course one must balance the fight with a serving of prudence. I must add though that I am still engaged in this fight and have goals that I need to attain as my transition continues. I have not arrived yet. When I get my FFS, go 24/7 and reach GRS we can talk!

[Jinny M]

I've distanced myself to family and friends since I started HRT. My wife knows and is fine and supports me with it. But I have noticed myself distancing from others, Since I'm not out to anyone else . I'm 7 months into HRT and laser hair removal on my face and body waxing, there is definatly noticible changes with my features. Everyone is used to seeing me in a goatee and very hairy. So far I havent been questioned . I did tell a few of my closest friend I got waxed , because I get a rash from the heat and the less hair keeps my skin cooler and it's eaiser for the medicine to work and clear up the rash. Seems they bought it , as they havent said anything else about that.

Even when it was 90 degrees, due to me being fully waxed , I'd ware jeans or sweat pants around family, depending who else was around , I'd ware a long sleeve shirt and just tell everyone , I was going off on the Harley or I would be off on the Harley anyway, also baggy shirts since the girls are starting to show.


Definatly something I have to get over , as I'm going to have to come out to everyone else sooner or later. We are who we are and we shouldn't have to feel like we need to hide. I have a good friend thats transgendered , Told me Honey you have to have a thick skin for this and learn not to care what others think or say. She helps me ALOT. Shes had all the surgeries already and she is drop dead gorgous, she models, she sings and professionally perfoms in front of large crowds at events, she owns her own Very Busy Salon and is a very Important and well known Transgender spoke person in Portugal , she has helped the Goverment there understand and provide free care for transgender People like us. She lives here in the States.


Jinny

[Midnight Skye]

All of my family in NC are cool with me... but they don't fully see my as female all the time. Which may be a sticky point as I come out more and more. Though honestly when I'm enfem I'm more likely to be around them and enjoying things with them. Mostly because I feel better myself. I stay pretty depressed as a guy so I'm hard to interact with.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

I have always kept my family at a distance. Why? Because my parents can sometimes be over critical and my father can be very confrontational. I get overly defensive. These things don't mix. So I keep them at a comfortable distance. As for friends, I live with mine.

[*Vanessa*]

Have you been distancing yourself from friends and family?

If I had the choice I probably would have.

[Phoebe]

The other way around. My oldest son who was thirty at the time came to my apartment unexpected. That day I was fully dressed in a skirt and blouse and wig, make up and wearing two inch high heel shoes. He was taken back as I opened the door. "Dad?" then blurted out "why are you wearing women's clothes?" I said that I have been crossdressing since your mother and I divorced. He looked angered by that answer. The he said "I don't want to be any part of you or your life style." Then turned away and walked out of my life. That occurred fifteen years ago. He must have told his two brothers about their dad's dressing habits as they won't speak to me either. A little over a year ago some anonymous person sent the obituary to me by postal mail of my ex-wife from the town newspaper we lived when married. In the list of survivors my sons names were listed. Apparently my oldest son changed his last name and took the name of a woman he married. Also listed her name and two children. I didn't know he had married or was notified of children when they were born. I probably will never see those children if it is up to my sons decision.

[Jay Cee]

The other way around. My oldest son who was thirty at the time came to my apartment unexpected. That day I was fully dressed in a skirt and blouse and wig, make up and wearing two inch high heel shoes. He was taken back as I opened the door. "Dad?" then blurted out "why are you wearing women's clothes?" I said that I have been crossdressing since your mother and I divorced. He looked angered by that answer. The he said "I don't want to be any part of you or your life style." Then turned away and walked out of my life. That occurred fifteen years ago. He must have told his two brothers about their dad's dressing habits as they won't speak to me either. A little over a year ago some anonymous person sent the obituary to me by postal mail of my ex-wife from the town newspaper we lived when married. In the list of survivors my sons names were listed. Apparently my oldest son changed his last name and took the name of a woman he married. Also listed her name and two children. I didn't know he had married or was notified of children when they were born. I probably will never see those children if it is up to my sons decision.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Janet. Maybe in time they will change their minds.

[MJ]

They disowned me so i don't invest in them emotionally, there loss. i have my son and my daughters to some degree

[Amber99]

I have actually been much closer to my family since I came out. Back when I was always hiding it was when I was distant.

[*Vanessa*]

Janet_CD that is incredibly sad to hear. My heart reaches out to you. I lost absolutely everything and everyone two years ago. It's been hard but life does go on. You will find new friends I am sure. Take-care