Stephanie Kay
10-15-2005, 10:07 AM
This is kind of long, but I think it makes sense. What do you think?
I'd like to discuss what we tell ourselves about our crossdressing, what we tell others, and what choices we make about what we think and say.
The other day I was transforming into Stephanie for the trip up to the Twin Cities for the Tri-Ess meeting. My wife Suzanne, as she does so well most of the time, was telling me about her fears. This was the first time I was going to be leaving during daylight and the sun was shining brightly! She said she was afraid that someone would see me as I walked from the house to the garage. She said she was afraid that as I was driving out of town that someone would recognize our van and see me inside of it and recognize me. She said she was afraid that when I stopped at a stop sign or for a stoplight that the person in the car that pulled up next to me would look at me and recognize me.
I asked her what she was telling herself about any of these things happening. She said she was telling herself that if I was recognized by anyone that my "secret" would be revealed to the public and I would be ridiculed and lose status, job, friends, credibility, etc. And that she would have the same thing happen to her because she was married to me and she would be discounted, dismissed, rejected, and lose her business. Taken to the extreme, we would both be laughed at, lose our livelihood and have to leave town in shame!! Hmmmmm, very interesting! Suzanne, of course, was not alone in having such thoughts. I myself used to have such thoughts quite often when I was still deep in the closet. These thoughts were even there when I began taking my first tentative steps out and about as Stephanie. In fact, these thoughts were the actual, and, as it turns out, the sole source of my fears.
Now, I was generating those thoughts. I had no real experience of what was going to happen to me when I chose to celebrate being Stephanie in public. I didn't even know anyone else who had actually had any crossdressing experience. So my thoughts, and therefore, my fears, were not reality-based. They were mostly based on fantasies that I had either read or made up in my head myself. Oh, yes, I had fears and I will never dismiss the realness of mine or anyone else's fears, but what was I thinking that generated such fear? Well, I noticed that I was thinking some pretty negative thoughts. Why did I think that the only results of being recognized as Steve crossdressed as Stephanie in my van while stopped at a stoplight in Winona would be something so negative? After all, I was making up my thoughts and I was choosing to think the worst. We all do that don't we?? We couldn't possibly come out of our closet because "WHAT ARE PEOPLE GOING TO THINK, SAY, AND DO??!!" Well, it's now been my experience of the past 8 years that people haven't said or done ANYTHING negative!! In fact, I have had many positive experiences. Sure, I don't know what people's thoughts are, but, of course, I can NEVER know, so I choose not to worry about or fear them. In fact, I choose to think positive thoughts about what people will say if they find out about Stephanie.
I told Suzanne that day before I departed for the Twin Cities as Stephanie that if someone recognized me at a stoplight that they might actually think, "Hey, that looks like Steve over there. And, hey, he's all dressed up to look like a woman. Isn't that interesting. He sure looks good. I wonder why he's doing that? I like Steve and he's a pretty fun guy, I think I'll ask him the next time I see him. Hmmmm, my husband has told me he's always wanted to do something like that too and maybe Steve would be a good person to talk to about it…." Ok, I can go on and on about how this might proceed along these pretty positive lines and you might be saying "Wait a minute, Stephanie, you're making all this up!" WELLLL, yeah, that's my point. I'm making this up just as much as I make up the negative outcomes, except thinking the positive thoughts leaves me feeling much better. And since I have a choice, I choose to feel good about being Stephanie all the time. I'm Stephanie, not Pollyanna! My real experience with crossdressing has been positive. I know what I am about. So I don't use so much energy anymore worrying about my fears. It's getting better and more fun! How about you?:)
I'd like to discuss what we tell ourselves about our crossdressing, what we tell others, and what choices we make about what we think and say.
The other day I was transforming into Stephanie for the trip up to the Twin Cities for the Tri-Ess meeting. My wife Suzanne, as she does so well most of the time, was telling me about her fears. This was the first time I was going to be leaving during daylight and the sun was shining brightly! She said she was afraid that someone would see me as I walked from the house to the garage. She said she was afraid that as I was driving out of town that someone would recognize our van and see me inside of it and recognize me. She said she was afraid that when I stopped at a stop sign or for a stoplight that the person in the car that pulled up next to me would look at me and recognize me.
I asked her what she was telling herself about any of these things happening. She said she was telling herself that if I was recognized by anyone that my "secret" would be revealed to the public and I would be ridiculed and lose status, job, friends, credibility, etc. And that she would have the same thing happen to her because she was married to me and she would be discounted, dismissed, rejected, and lose her business. Taken to the extreme, we would both be laughed at, lose our livelihood and have to leave town in shame!! Hmmmmm, very interesting! Suzanne, of course, was not alone in having such thoughts. I myself used to have such thoughts quite often when I was still deep in the closet. These thoughts were even there when I began taking my first tentative steps out and about as Stephanie. In fact, these thoughts were the actual, and, as it turns out, the sole source of my fears.
Now, I was generating those thoughts. I had no real experience of what was going to happen to me when I chose to celebrate being Stephanie in public. I didn't even know anyone else who had actually had any crossdressing experience. So my thoughts, and therefore, my fears, were not reality-based. They were mostly based on fantasies that I had either read or made up in my head myself. Oh, yes, I had fears and I will never dismiss the realness of mine or anyone else's fears, but what was I thinking that generated such fear? Well, I noticed that I was thinking some pretty negative thoughts. Why did I think that the only results of being recognized as Steve crossdressed as Stephanie in my van while stopped at a stoplight in Winona would be something so negative? After all, I was making up my thoughts and I was choosing to think the worst. We all do that don't we?? We couldn't possibly come out of our closet because "WHAT ARE PEOPLE GOING TO THINK, SAY, AND DO??!!" Well, it's now been my experience of the past 8 years that people haven't said or done ANYTHING negative!! In fact, I have had many positive experiences. Sure, I don't know what people's thoughts are, but, of course, I can NEVER know, so I choose not to worry about or fear them. In fact, I choose to think positive thoughts about what people will say if they find out about Stephanie.
I told Suzanne that day before I departed for the Twin Cities as Stephanie that if someone recognized me at a stoplight that they might actually think, "Hey, that looks like Steve over there. And, hey, he's all dressed up to look like a woman. Isn't that interesting. He sure looks good. I wonder why he's doing that? I like Steve and he's a pretty fun guy, I think I'll ask him the next time I see him. Hmmmm, my husband has told me he's always wanted to do something like that too and maybe Steve would be a good person to talk to about it…." Ok, I can go on and on about how this might proceed along these pretty positive lines and you might be saying "Wait a minute, Stephanie, you're making all this up!" WELLLL, yeah, that's my point. I'm making this up just as much as I make up the negative outcomes, except thinking the positive thoughts leaves me feeling much better. And since I have a choice, I choose to feel good about being Stephanie all the time. I'm Stephanie, not Pollyanna! My real experience with crossdressing has been positive. I know what I am about. So I don't use so much energy anymore worrying about my fears. It's getting better and more fun! How about you?:)