My wife doesn't like me cross dressing

[CasandraBlanks]

I have always enjoyed cross dressing, and have found it to be more sexually arousing for me. My wife of 4 years was o.k. with it, but I would only cross dress 5 times a year. She was never really supportive of it, mixed with me being self conscious with it, hence why I only cross dress 5 times a year.

Recently I started to feel depressed over the fact that I suppress my desire to cross dress. So I told her I wanted to cross dress more often (even broke down and cried), she seemed supportive and said she wanted me to be happy with myself. I ended up cross dressing last night and she seemed not into it and blew me off. Now she told me she is not into it.

I feel angry, depressed, and uncertain about things because she has been working on herself, emotionally and said she always went along with things even though she didn't want to. Just to please me. Now I feel like she is growing out of me.

[ReineD]

Cassandra, do you think you could negotiate times with your wife where you could be free to express yourself without her participation?

Do you go out at all? You could join a TG support group. Or you could set aside an afternoon per week to go out in the mainstream for shopping, lunch, going to a bookstore & cafe, etc. If you prefer dressing at home, could you arrange for a time when your wife can keep herself busy elsewhere?

She can choose to not get involved if she doesn't want to. But, she's not preventing you from CDing?

[VioletJourney]

If she doesn't like it then maybe agree to do it away from her, in another room or when she's gone or something.

[Joanne f]

ReineD has some good ideas there, at least your wife knows you like to dress so you are not keeping secrets from her , explain how you feel and let her explain how she feels and see if you can come up with some sort of compromise.
It is always a difficult situation when one partner wants or in a lot of cross dressing situations "needs" to do something the other partner does not like i often wonder how many wife`s/So do their best to cope with a situation that they are unhappy with for the sake of the relationship .

[Aprilrain]

I feel angry, depressed, and uncertain about things because she has been working on herself, emotionally and said she always went along with things even though she didn't want to. Just to please me. Now I feel like she is growing out of me.

Sounds like she was never into you! She "tried", so many people do things that make them uncomfortable just to please another only to then resent that person later for not being what they want.

[suzy1]

How can you feel angry at her? Is it her fault that she has tried to accept your crossdressing and finds she can’t?
You only dressed 5 times a year and she was able to live with that.
Now it’s more than she can accept.
She is going to tell you nice things when you are crying in front of her. That’s to be expected from a wife that loves you.
But if she is not excepting of your dressing in front of her then that’s her choice.


SUZY

[prettytoes]

I know that my wife would much prefer that I was not a crossdresser, but she accepts me for who I am. When she is around, I do not wear anything super feminine. I do wear women's exercise shorts in summer and yoga pants when it's cooler to lounge around in. I also keep my toenails painted, sleep in nighties, and wear panties 24/7. I usually get up very early and watch the news before I do my morning workout. I am normally watching the news in a mini skirt, and I do my morning bikeride wearing a sports bra and yoga pants. She found my stash of clothes last spring. We have been married for 27 years, and I have been a crossdresser as long as I can remember. She understands that this is not something that can be cured, and it will not just "go away". I sleep better at night, and I am generally much happier since she found out, and I am able to let the girl in me out once in a while.
Make sure you let her know that you love her and that you love being her man. My wife was fearful of the usual things...that I was gay was number 1 and that I wanted to become a woman. I tell her on a daily basis that I love her and appreciate all she does for me. At this point, I think I am more uncomfortable with her seeing me fully dressed than she is.

[erica2054]

i understand 100 percent - i told my wife last year too ( been married 20 years) and she kind of accepted but does not tolerate it . When i dress i make sure she is not home and i too i feel more uncomfortable with her seeing me fully dressed then she is with me . Every once in a while she asked me question like do i wear heels 0 and i answer yes - she quickly leaves the room. I keep my clothers in the bottom draw in the bed room - she knows it is there- but will never open it . I do wish she would at least tolerate it if i could wear my panties around her . But she does not - so i do not want to her upset.

[Gocaps14]

I decided to put my relationship before my dressing. Once my daughter was born, my wife wanted a "normal" family. Sure I am not completely honest with her or myself, but it is what's best for my situation. I know in my heart that I have shared every aspect of me, ands while part of me was rejected, I did the best I could.

[TGMarla]

I agree that you cannot force her to like it or even tolerate it. Sure, we all understand your desires, but to get your wife to understand them, and to accept them, and to tolerate them is a completely different matter. Tell her you'll agree simply to crossdress while she's not home, and that you'll do your best to keep it away from her.

[Tina B.]

You have my sympathy, I personally could not live with that form of rejection, I know the noble thing around here, is to fall in line, and be the man she wants you to be, but what about a persons right to be the person they want to be. No I didn't tell my wife about this side of me before marriage, I'm one of the dummies that thought marriage would cure it. But when the need to dress came back, I told her just what I am, with my head held high, and told her if it was a deal breaker just say so and I could be gone in no time, and I meant it. I love that women with all my heart, but I would have had a broken heart trying to live with someone that seemed repulsed by me, I'd rather be single.
But that's just me. Of course I realize I could have lost everything, but then starting over is just something you have to do sometimes, maybe I feel this way because I'm on my second marriage, and have already been there once, and know I can survive.
Tina B.

[CasandraBlanks]

I am a closet CD and am pretty shy about it. I haven't gone out dressed up because I am afraid to, even though I live in a gay/lesbian/transgender part of town. I feel like I wouldn't pass and I fully haven't accepted it myself.

Thanks for all your help I will try some of your suggestions out and keep you informed :)

[Mikka]

I had a great night with my wife last night. As I have stated earlier she found out I was hiding this and felt betrayed. (I totally understand) So last night she made one of her little comments something like "you are such a good little girl". She immediately apologized and then I looked at and gave her a hug and said " that's ok honey, in fact I love being called your little girl". God did I feel great being able to say that to her!!! It lead to a GREAT conversation, so I am hopeful. She needs to get some tops today for work and I told her I would love to go shopping with her today! I am hoping for a great day shopping with my wife. I have no expectations, but one step at a time. Hopefully we can look at shoes, she does know I love lady's shoes!!

[Stephanie47]

I think you have a valid issue with your relationship with your wife. Early on in my marriage my wife and I explored wearing lingerie, stockings and garter belt as a part of sexual bedroom play. I did not know what cross dressing was and she did not either. It was just bedroom play. As my desires expanded she became uncomfortable with what was developing as it was more than bedroom play. I was not comfortable with myself and became somewhat depressed about repressing my inner feelings. Along the way we had our 'discussions' and entered the "don't ask, don't tell" relationship. After decades of marriage I think she has finally realized cross dressing is a part of me, and, "I" want my cross dressing to be my private world. I do not want to upset her! I would not feel comfortable imposing my desires over her desires, if there is sufficient time for me to indulge in my cross dressing. I am a closeted cross dresser, and, I do not dress en femme unless I can dress 100%, i.e., undergarments to dress and heels and wig. To hang out in Capri pants or pseudo feminine jeans just does make it for me. And, if I were to insist on sitting around watching television fully dressed, and, it upsets my wife--Why do it?

Marriage is a partnership based on mutual respect. One spouse should not impose his or her belief system on the other. If your wife wants to restrict or impose her objections to cross dressing on you, and, she does not want to negotiate acceptable terms then maybe you need to re-examine your relationship. It takes many years for a mature relationship to develop, and, just sometimes there is an issue that will always be a deal breaker. And, no matter how many years you are married, sometimes one spouse will always 'rub it in the other's face.' The questions for you, is do you want to live in that relationship? And, to her relationship, does she want to be married to a cross dresser knowing he is repressing his desires to the extent of being depressed?

To me, that may be a mutually abusive relationship!

[sissystephanie]

Casandra, is your love for crossdressing stronger than your love for your wife? From your OP it sure sounds like it. She did say that she is not into it, so ask her if it is O.K. for you to dress when she is not there!! If you do truly love your wife most of all, than crossdressing definitely comes second.

As far as passing is concerned, I could easily pass when my late wife did my makeup and fixed my wig. She passed away 6 years ago, and now I go out as a man dressed like a lady! Never have had a problem with anybody. As long as you are decently covered, people don't care what you are wearing!! Especially if you live where that is generally accepted!

[Karren H]

Well you've only got 4 years invested... So if you don't like her attitude towards it and you can't change what your willing to do or sacrifice then your at an impass and maybe its time to move on? Just sayin. Rather than everyone being unhappy...

[mayGG]

I'm new here so forgive me if this s inappropriate, but would it be possible for both of you to see a counselor? Maybe it would help.

[giuseppina]

Hello May

Counselling is never inappropriate - as long as both parties want to work on their issues and can take some heat in doing so. The only thing I can add is that it should be a duly qualified and licensed counsellor who does not judge. Once that happens, s/he usually loses credibility with at least one of the parties.

Unfortunately, the ones who need the advice of a counsellor most often refuse or reject their advice. To me, that in itself is a big red flag.

Crossdressing is often used as a convenient scapegoat for other less visible relationship problems. Very little information is given here, but based on what I see here, it would not be surprising if this is the case with Cassandra's relationship.

[retrofitme]

It sounds to me like you are in a phase of self-discovery - you're learning new things about yourself, and your wife may feel a bit out of control and feeling like she doesn't know you as well as she thought she did. I think that is normal given the situation. I think the best thing, as always, is to talk to her about it - validate her feelings, and invite her to learn about these aspects of your personality with you, together. CDing can divide relationships, but it can also bring them closer together. The trick (for lack of a better term) is moving at a slow pace, and in each situation, allow her time to process and get up to speed with you.

[Allsteamedup]

Great reply, retrofitme!
If you suddenly appeared in front of her fully dressed of course you scared her to death! That was why she shouted.

You need to do a lot of background work. In particular, explain why you choose the clothes that you have-style-colour-overall look? Whatever. As women we know that you do not arrive with a dress or skirt etc without choosing that particular one over others.
Now my SO scared me witless because the look he had developed was to be me. How scary was that?

Explain that she does not have to be there but you would rather she know what you do.

As a matter of interest what part of your life together will you be giving up to accommodate this, time-wise? Is it going to put time pressure on stuff you used to do together? And how will the budget for this third person fit into your current plans? Or put another way, is your wife going to have to give up more to accommodate your cding than you?

[NicoleScott]

Crossdressing and being her man don't have to be mutually exclusive. She knows you do it, but it creeps her out to see it. As others have said, negotiate some alone time. You can be as girly girl as you want in private. But at other times, be her man.

[kimdl93]

There's a lot of things to consider. I got the impression that you dress primarily for sexual reasons. That's OK, but even if your wife sometimes participates, you can't assume that she'll always find it enjoyable. Is that what she meant by saying "she's not into it?"

Although she may indeed be supportive, she may not comfortable with you dressing around her. That comment bothered me - that you felt angry, depressed and uncertain becaus she was once "she went along, even when she didn't want to". My concern is that you seem to expect her to keep "going along" despite her reservations. I would suggest you reconsider this feeling. It feels coercive to me. She shouldn't be expected to participate in anything she's not enjoying.

[Babeba]

This might be me reading between the lines, but I kind of get the impression that part of what has triggered this vulnerability and depression for you has been her exploring herself and doing things to be emotionally a little more independent than has been the case in your relationship. I don't think it's a bad thing for individuals in couples to get to know themselves, and to grow as people... but has this triggered something in you that makes you want to do the same, hence wanting to dress a bit more? Consider it your investment in yourself to help you grow and accept yourself, the way your wife is doing. It doesn't mean you have to grow apart, but that it's okay for you to be more into something than she is, it's okay for her to have something you're not into - and that you just have to make time you spend together more meaningful than being collapsed on the couch in front of the TV not speaking to each other.

Situations like this - having to learn how to be your own person, as well as a functional part of a couple - happen in couples even without the crossdressing and all the insecurities that come along with that. The number one tool in ANY relationship is communication, and it's important. There are going to be some things that you both will like together, and it is good to make sure you focus on those together. Do you like to cook or bake together? Play games? Go out on the town, or on long walks to see fall colours? Is there a particular way of cuddling or other things you both find satisfying? Try doing things you both like at least twice a week together, more if time permits. At the same time - do things that make YOU happy, and let her have the space to do things that make HER happy.

I would also say: it sounds like your wife truly cares for you. If she thought telling you she wasn't totally 100% jumping-up-and-down okay with crossdressing would hurt you, she kept it within herself... and that's not something a person can keep doing indefinitely forever. There is a part of this forum which is for GGs (genetic girls) that she can join (with her own account!) on this forum as a way to talk about some of the things she might be afraid of to others of us whose partners crossdress. I know I found it really helpful when I had questions I thought were kind of silly, or didn't know how to phrase to ask my boyfriend.

Casandra, I wish you well with discovering a way to be happy with your cross dressing and yourself, and keeping a balanced, happy relationship with the people who love you most! Welcome to the forum. :)

[Monique Myers]

I posted a few blogs on a site called Hub Pages. There is a woman that had a bitter divorce with a crossdresser and she rants about it, basically saying all crossdressers are psychologically twisted. She and several other posters also with crossdressing husbands recommended "praying it away". Sad that in this day and age people are this close minded.

Here is a link to her post. http://nybride710.hubpages.com/hub/The-Transvestite-Next-Door

P.S. If I had a wife that ugly you can bet I too would be addicted to crossdressing!

[Mistybtm]

I'm new here so forgive me if this s inappropriate, but would it be possible for both of you to see a counselor? Maybe it would help.
you are right on with this I agree with you.