Thinking about telling

[brandi]

My daughters about my dressing. My oldest is nineteen and is away at school, but comes home every couple of weeks. She is very active in some clubs at school that leads me to believe she would be ok with it. While she is not, she has several friends that are gay and has no problems with them. She is active in a club called the Gay/Straight Alliance at school.
My youngest is fifteen. She is very open minded about things and has told me on several occassions that she hates when people get picked on for being different. I have had custody of them since they were both little and have tried to raise them to be respectful of everybody, regardless of differences. Their mother at first seemed to go along with my dressing and then tried to use that as the reason she wanted a divorce. Of course it didn't work, once I proved she was unfit so that is why I have custody.
I haven't discussed this with my current wife, but am really leaning on telling the girls soon.

Any advice?

Brandi

[Cynthia Anne]

It does sound as though they both will be accepting! Talking it over with your wife is a very good idea! She should be included and respected for her thoughts! Hopeing the best for all of you! Hugs!

[erickka]

From what you are saying, I think you have planted some great seeds. I don't think anyone who has been raised with the focus of being open minded and non judgemental will have any problems understanding or accepting someone who is different. Like Cynthia stated, including your S/O is also a good idea. Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Allsteamedup]

There is an underlying feeling that you hope to get something out of this.

What advantage will it be to your daughters to know that you dress? (To them, not to you)

As parents our prime actions are for the good of the family and particularly our children. Just as the SO of a cder wants a man your daughters want a father. In these difficult times that role is your primary function. They will always want to run to you with their problems even when they have left home.

If they get an inkling (and aren't we accepting of the fact that womens' brains are wired differently?) that the main reason you brought them up to be accepting of differences of gender (you don't mention race nor class, eg) was because you had a pre-ordained agenda, you could be in trouble.

As a parent ask yourself how you willl fulfill their expectations of you as a father when they have this knowledge.

Bear in mind that what they think of friends and aquaintances life choices might be different than what they want at home.

The usual advice about coming out to children is that you don't during their adolescence, when they are developing their own ideas of who they are. Hope this will be helpful.

[Kittyagain]

In my opinion, no. Wait until the youngest is out of high school. This time in the fifteen year old life is very important.

Waiting just a little bit longer would not hurt you but might crush the child if it suddenly turned badly. It is just not worth the gamble.

I know this is cold but remember telling them is for your benefit, not theirs.

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Kitty

[kimdl93]

I waited till my step daughter was in her 20's before telling her (quite recently). What surprised me was just how matter of fact she was. Her biggest concern was, naturally, her mom - and being sure that our marriage was solid.

That being said, I think you're in the best position to make this judgement. You may want to begin laying the ground work...even if it takes months or years to completly come out. By laying the groundwork, I'd include discussing this with your wife and continuing to support your daughters' in their growth as open-minded and accepting people.

I rather strongly disagree with the suggestion that you had an alterior motive in raising our kids to be accepting. Sure, this will certainly help them deal with your revelation, but its far more important for the way they live their own lives. If the girls are as you describe them, this information won't crush or destroy your relationship with your daughters, whenever you tell them, so long as you do it in a considerate manner. It would be far better to come out in a planned manner than having them stumble on the information and learn your secret by accident.

[J'lyn GG]

Bear in mind that what they think of friends and aquaintances life choices might be different than what they want at home.


I agree with this statement. Just b/c they are okay with others, and in fact would be accepting of a friend's father being a cder, doesn't mean they want it in their backyard. I have a thought that maybe they may intellectually be okay with the cding, but not emotionally. They won't understand why. That being said, my hubby told our boys and they are in the early teen range, they have been okay with it. But, they are boys and don't need a 'daddy' anymore. Most girls ALWAYS need their daddy.

[brandi]

Thank you all fo you advice. I really appreciate the opinions offered here and am not offended or hurt by anything anyone said. If I didn't want to hear different ideas, I never would have asked for advice. Just to clarify, I really don't have an ulterior motive for telling them other than I feel bad for keeping this from them. To me I feel like I have been lying to them all these years. I don't hope to be able to dress in front of them or anything like that. I just want them to know about this part of my life that I have been keeping hidden from them for so long.

Brandi

[StaceyJane]

My daughters know about me and they have been very supportive.
It is a risk but most children love their parents no matter what. If your wife shows shes okay with it things can go much easier.
The best thing will be that you won't have to hide in your own house.

[2B Natasha]

My advice. Stop asking us and start asking the wife! She will have to deal with this just as
Mu h and maybe mode then you. If your girls are close to her they are going to pepper her with questions when you are not around. This is not a unilateral decision. Your married. It for the both of you equally to come to a conclusion.

Why wouldn't you talk to her first? This is exactly how mistrust is created where true trust can be created or strengthened.

I'll step off now.

[LeaP]

I'm not in favor, generally speaking, of telling children things that benefit the parent and aren't really aimed at the child. I agree with the sentiments expressed by several others here, including discussing with your wife first, being more careful about the younger daughter, and with the caution that intellectually assenting to something is not the same as living with it ("in their own backyard"). Consider also that you are highly likely to be outed as a result. The likelihood is very high that one or both of the daughters will tell someone, probably in confidence, and when Pandora's box is opened, it can't be shut again.

Lea