How To Cork The Genie

[*Vanessa*]

I don't know when she popped out, truly I don't.

I can hardly get work done these past few weeks. My old trick of looking at the man in the mirrors isn't working either. She has come around and is determined not to leave. Maybe I am simply unaware I need her help, she has always protected me in the past. I love her, and maybe I should let her stay.

If she is not liked and excepted it would surly mean the streets for me. Winter is coming on, it will be too cold outside. I found one of my Ex's therapists but haven't been able to bring myself to write him. He's nothing short of genius. He orchestrated 3 other doctors to get my Ex free of her meds so she could start her 'Self-talk' work. I know he would and could help me. This is my step into the 'outdoors'.

If I could find her cork and put her back maybe I could last until she is no longer needed. But that I know will never be. This is my lavender fog.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Vanessa the more you try to put the genie back in the harder she fights to be set free each time.

Hugs

[Toni Citara]

The more you repress your inner self, the more it will effect you. The constant locked-down "you" will cause problems, possibly manifesting itself as inner rage and anger issues, drinking problems, depression, etc. I wish you all the best in finding yourself!

[Kaz]

Vanessa, she will never go away... accept her and then she will become less of a burden and even a friend. You don't HAVE to let her out into the outside world... you just need to accept her... xx

[Niya W]

I would suggest seeing a gender therapist . Trying to hide any part of your personality can be disastrous. It could lead to sing as simple as the girl popping out at the wrong time or worse depression
.

[abigailf]

I concur with the others. The reason she is out and so active is because she (and you) know that this is the time. It is an uphill losing battle so just go with the flow.

From my personal experience:
There was a time when I would have done almost anything to gain the upper hand of this fight, but no longer. I know who I am now, I accept it, I am proud to be who I am. I am much happier because of it. One must accept themselves before they can expect others to accept them. I expect to have a very tough time in the upcoming near future, but it will be so much easier than the alternative.

Good luck.

[Jorja]

An August 13, 2009 agreement between the genies and the mortal people of the world states that genies are not allowed to be bottled for any reason. Bottling is against genie rights. Bottling is punishable by 30 years in the bottle for any mortal trying to bottle a genie, $400,000 fine or both. It does not matter where on earth you are located or for what reason you were trying to bottle a genie.

[*Vanessa*]

I know you are right, my top is getting soaked with tears. The same tears when the little boy inside told me he was raped. I read all your replies and agree, I just don't know if I am strong enough.

I read this poem written by Michelle-Leigh two years ago this morning. I love it
A T-Girl Is Born.....

She came from within me
back in my childhood
When I first put on a dress
and made her feel so good.
She stayed and and lived with me
from that moment on
Dressing flamboyantly
When I was left alone.

All through my teenage years
She lay dormant in me.
Supressed by the strong desires
of my puberty.
When I first fell in love
with another girl
She withdrew deep into me
far from the world.

Now all the girls I loved in bed
Tried to eclipse her...
And some of the more beautiful
were more real to me.
But in between those times in bed
I became so lonely
And she would come to comfort me
As she could only.

When I entered married life
I thought she would leave me
But when I was at home alone
she would still break free.
Dressed up in lingerie
for the very first time
in corset and garter hose
it made her feel so fine.

Then in more recent time,
She overpowered me,
Coming out in a public place
For everyone to see...
For a time I thought that she
would destroy my world
Changing me internally
into a girl.

How could I now leave her behind
abandon her for good
They all say it's impossible
So I don't think I ever could....
I'm even buying her wardrobe,
panties and thigh hose....
Just like I really should have done
So many years ago.

How will I make the grand design?
What is hers and what is mine?
cause there is no more room in here
And we have got to share it, dear.
I satisfy her endless needs
and justify her girly deeds
in the name of femininity
and in the name of love.

And you can see her there
dressed in her silk gown
stroking her long brown hair
because it feels so good...
And I call her Michelle-Leigh
The girl within me,
The queen of my femininity
I've always longed to be.

Vanessa IS appearing at the worst of times and I am sure my SO and her kids (grown and moved out) are witnessing and realizing she is out. I truly thank-you for your kindness. Rough trade no one needs.

[giuseppina]

Hello Vanessa

You're right on track to see someone about this.

Sexual abuse isn't something to be messed with. I'm not sure a gender therapist is as important as much as one who does not judge. Using dressing as an escape from PTSD from abuse is one of my coping mechanisms. A cause and effect relationship between the abuse and the mental health effects has been demonstrated in the last ten years or so.

Whatever you do, bringing your SO in on the abuse (if not the CD) with or without the help of a qualified and licensed therapist will help stop a wedge being driven between you.

Memories from abuse can come up at any time afterwards. Something has happened to trigger it.

A competent therapist will want to see your SO alone as well as you. This affects both of you.

Good luck and get going. :hugs:

[suchacutie]

I do think I understand at least a part of your mind in this. When Tina appeared a few years ago, as if out of the blue (or the bottle), confusion reigned. How can one not see that there was this other person inside for 55 years??? Yet, there she was and the change in life was in many ways quite radical! Luckily I had help with this in that my wife and I were both so intensely curious about who this Tina-person was and where was she hiding all this time? We blocked out times for her and let her run with it! :)

That's what I think made it work for me. We gave Tina her time, enough time that after I would transform to male mode it would take a while to process what we had learned about Tina, and it just continues that way. Sometimes Tina just needs her time and we make time for her! I've found that it helps if there is something that Tina wants to do, or if my wife and Tina make specific plans for the evening, there is some closure at the point of FtM retransformation.

Hope this helps. However you organize your genders, they really do need organization. Life is just too complex to live without a calendar :)

tina

[*Vanessa*]

thanks Giuseppina
my SO was with me (online) when the little boy appeared. That was the hardest day of my life and she was there helping me. I think I am able to handle the little boy issue, it is really Vanessa that has me troubled. She was able to be herself for over 27 years then the last 2 she has not been able to be anything remotely like her self (excluding cooking and cleaning). It's a good thing I have glaucoma as the meds to hide the tears as it makes your eyes look like you have cried for months. The upside - the meds make your eyelashes grow like mad. I look like that little emoticon. Sorry for imploding like this, the conversations really help.

EDIT: The little boy appeared about 11 years ago. I was working at my desk at my company in a downtown highrise. My SO is not a member here nor do I share this computer.

[giuseppina]

You're welcome Vanessa. If she hasn't already seen my post above, show it to her. It may help her to know that you're not alone in your behavior. There are others in this situation besides us on this very forum, but to protect their privacy, I won't name any names.

[*Vanessa*]

Phew !

Thank again everyone.
Got control again (kinda) and heading out to food store to get some stuff for supper.

Some songs for me and Vanessa:
Coldplay Fix You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc

Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush -Don't Give Up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiCRZLr9oRw

EDIT Oct 21'11: Reality, I don't have control of anything. I want so much to take the good advise from my sisters here. I hope I never forget the love shown here. thank-you for giving a cr*p about a total stranger.