Making the Jump

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

So as some of you already know from previous posts I am not on HRT...yet. With everything that has been going on, it has been one of those things that seemed far out of reach. Due to past roommates I am over 5k in debt, 2k of which is just in damages to my previous apartment caused by them. The military, although they have made the decision to take away my deployment, both a good (I won't die) and bad (in debt, no money for transition), they have also for the moment decided to keep me in and on drilling status until 2015 when my contract ends.

The situation with the military alone has been keeping me from HRT. Staying an active Guard member means if I were to start HRT, I would be doing it illegally. Per Army regulations it is illegal for a military member to take any prescription without the approval of army physicians. This would subject me to a dishonorable discharge. If I don't do this I have to wait the 4 years until I am released from duty. Luckily I have a commander that is going to bat for me to get me released with a honorable discharge soon.

Here is the problem........ I can't wait any longer. I am deathly afraid of never passing, and knowing my likely hood of passing goes down every year, for me waiting just isn't an option.

Last night was a breaking point for me, and made me weight the risk. In the last few months my depression concerning my gender conflicts has hit a head, and my thoughts have frightened me. Thoughts of ending it have been prevalent, and I have nearly justified it with the idea that perishing would show the army the problems their thumb twiddling causes. It would show them how discluding a member from duty because they are transgender is wrong and how painful it is to said service member. It would be for the greater good and raise questions as to their methods and regulations. But somehow I knew I was wrong.

So what would it mean to start HRT as soon as possible? What would be the risk? What would be the payoff?

Money wasn't the issue, I could survive on very little for 2 weeks if I just took my next paycheck and got on hormones. I found a therapist that would do all 6 of the required sessions in one sitting, and escort me to the endocrinologist the same day to get my first prescription. So what were the chances the Army found out? Hardly any. And if they did, my condition is already on file. They couldn't expect me to do nothing about it. And I would fight with that to the end. Worst case I get dishonorably discharged. And what would be the difference? I can't find a job anyways, and if I did and the employer ever asked why, I would simply explain it. No one can fault me for that. But in all reality them knowing I have this problem, it would be more likely be a less than honorable, which goes away in 6 months anyways.

As far as bills? Yea I have a lot of debt, but who knows when that will be settled. Risking my thoughts and depression could be far worse than the creditors.

I made the call this morning. My therapist is sending me all the necessary documentation to fill out asap and my appointment is set for 2 weeks from today. I will finally be making steps towards my transition. I know my situation will be very hard and I may encounter many bumps in the road, but this is my only life, wasting it waiting on others and for it to turn around could be deadly.

I guess I am posting this just because I needed someone to hear it. Maybe offer some thoughts. I don't know what I want from posting this, maybe just encouragement. Sorry for the long winded thing that would probably be better in my journal. I am normally not a downer, and not one to seek support. But for once in my life I guess I need it....... Sorry for some of the ranting in other posts. Maybe it came from just so much anger.........

[StaceyJane]

I know this is a tough time for you. It's good that you have a plan.
Keep working toward your goal and one day will be there.

[GeorgiaHall]

Hang in there. I think it can be good to vent sometimes. There are plenty of us cheering for you so hang in there.

[Jorja]

Well Teagan, I don't know really how to respond here. My concern is what you say about the Military. "Staying an active Guard member means if I were to start HRT, I would be doing it illegally. Per Army regulations it is illegal for a military member to take any prescription without the approval of army physicians. This would subject me to a dishonorable discharge".

The dishonorable discharge is what bothers me the most for you. You do realize that if you get a DD life will become harder than you can imagine? Look, your young, there is plenty of time for you to transition after your military service is complete. It's only 4 years. You can do 4 years standing on your head when you look at the grand scheme of fighting a DD for the rest of your life.

I did 4 years in the Navy. The day after I was discharged, I went full time and started HRT the same day. At 22 going on 23 I had execellent results with the HRT. I do hope you will reconsider all your options before you do something you will regret for the rest of your life.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

I will be I will have turned 28 just before my contract ends.....the difference of four years right now could mean a lot...Plus I don't plan on living in the US the rest of my life anyways. I have very strong opinions about this country and the people running it. I am looking to relocate to Canada someday. I am 23 as of now...imagine had you waited 4 more years.

And thanks for the support girls :)

[Michelle.M]

See if Transgender American Veterans http://www.tavausa.org/ has a chapter in your state. And PM me.

[gretchen2]

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

[Melody Moore]

Hi Teagan, I am going to say just go for it hun - I got your six here :heehee:

I would argue the case with the military even go public to the media if I had to and
even cite other examples, such as the ADF's (Australian Defence Forces) policy that now
permits transgendered members to keep serving (http://www.crikey.com.au/2010/09/15/let-them-serve-defence-drops-ban-on-transgender-soldiers/) and the policies in the MoD in the UK (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/409792.stm).

So if allied nations can review their policies then why can't the DoD in the USA?

I would also using the new WPATH Standards of Care (http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf) to also strengthen & support your decision to undergo gender
transition and start taking cross-sex hormones, and to show malpractice in their Standards of Care with transsexual
or transgendered members. If they take issue to that it clearly proves their policies are very out dated and in direct
contradiction to recommendations of a very large organisation of professionals in the World Professional Association
of Transgender Health (http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf) the Human Rights Commission's Policies and Key Recommendations (http://www.ohchr.org/EN/Issues/Discrimination/Pages/LGBT.aspx). And this is why I think you
should really stand up for yourself here and put up a real challenge them here on their policies.

Here some more links you might also find useful to build a solid case to argue:

http://www.defence.gov.au/fr/RR/diversity.htm
http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/+/http://www.mod.uk:80/DefenceInternet/AboutDefence/CorporatePublications/PersonnelPublications/EqualityandDiversity/LGBT/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_orientation_and_military_service
http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/advice-and-guidance/your-rights/transgender/transgender-case-decisions/

I'd be mighty proud if to hear that it was you who forced the word's
most powerful military to it's knees and make it change it's policies :heehee:

Put some pressure on them and just see what happens - Go get em girlfriend! ;)

If you need anymore help, just hit me up on on here or Facebook.

[Starling]

Teagan, please thoroughly investigate the Canada Option before you put all your eggs in that basket. Canada is no longer particularly eager for US immigrants who don't possess skills that are in short supply. And twenty-eight is still pretty effing young, all things considered, and probably irrelevant to the success of your HRT. Thirteen, maybe...

Don't do anything in haste.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have to think straight! I hope you are doing that. I don't know the army rules, but being morally right doesn't you food and shelter. I have lived the feelings you are having...ihad a corporate job.. It took three years to go from wondering what todo, tostarting hrt... Pls make sure you have a place to stay and people to support you if there is a problem....ask some girls here that are kicked out of where they live or even homeless..

You can do this but ifyou don't doit smart, you will run into problems.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

I have a place to live no worries there. Thanks everyone that gave me resources :)

[Melody Moore]

I don't see how Teagan has been doing this in haste, she already struggled long enough and has more
support than others here are aware of, including the military psychologist that they made her go & see.

So I think she might have a good chance here if she arms herself up with the right information and presents
a solid case. So don't always assume it is going to end in disaster when other people have proved in other
places that you can in fact force a change in policy. My hope is they allow Teagan to be discharged under
honourable circumstances and to transition in peace.

[Hope]

I want to echo Kaitlyn and say - MAKE SURE you have a source of support. I can't think of something worse than being a homeless trans girl... Homelessness is bad enough without confronting all the garbage we have to deal with to compound it. Lots of shelters won't take us in... it can be startlingly ugly.

I'm not convinced that a DD will make your life significantly more difficult. What is going to make your life more difficult is being a trans girl. That will put a bigger red X on your resume than a DD ever will, particularly with your attending explanation as to why you were thusly discharged. Just don't live in one of the states that treat it as a felony conviction of all bloody things.

Trust me when I say this: Getting a job, any job, as a tranny is HARD. I have a masters degree and I work at a department store... for barely above minimum wage plus a paltry commission... And I only got that job as a temp and was able to keep it by proving to my managers that I am hard-core bad-ass. What feminists used to say about women in the working world is at least as true for us today: we have to be twice as good as everyone around us, in order to get half the recognition.

It isn't like I don't send out resumes, or have bad interview skills, or black marks on my resume... I just don't get a lot of interviews. I have had 2 in the last 12 months.

We all know the misery of gender dysphoria... but don't compound it with the misery of homelessness.

If you have to make headway now (And by all means get started) consider doing something other than HRT? Do something to ease the dysphasia - by all means - but there are any number of things you could do that won't get you booted out with a black mark on your record and taking away all your benefits. Give your commander time to work his magic.

If you are 24 and you have the academic chops - go to school for transition. Medical care on campus is next to free (including HRT and therapy) you will be in a safe environment, and come out the other end as a woman with a marketable degree. Fu(# - when I think about it - Why aren't we all in college?

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Ok I figure I haven't made this clear enough and maybe need to let out more of the situation. I won't go homeless. I have supportive parents who will always open their doors, supportive grand parents who would do the same. To match that I live with 2 others who know my situation because they are themselves transmen. I AM NOT GOING TO GO HOMELESS...besides I am too cute for someone to let rome the streets. lol just kidding. Anyways, I do have the support of my commander in wanting to get out. A dishonorable isn't likely as THEY ALREADY KNOW I AM GENDER DYSPHORIC. I am also armed with a silver tongue which has proven to get me out of bad situations my whole life.... I am not that concerned about a dishonorable so much. I have the support of BOTH MILITARY AND PRIVATE Psychologists.

As far as college is concerned, I can't because of my social issues, I failed out of college and am on academic suspension until next year. And in any case I don't know how college is where you are but Grand Rapids Community college certainly doesn't have health care. I agree that trying to get a job as a tranny puts a huge red x on my back, but this is also a different age than when you grew up. Plus it is against every moral fiber in my body to sell out myself for the comfortability of others. Not to mention this is the age of entrepreneurship. I come from a age of if there isn't a job for you, make one. With all the people who come to me on weekly basis for makeup techniques and clothing advice in my community alone there is no reason why I can't start a business doing that. I already do make-up freelance. I don't pretend to be the best at what I do, but it says something to me when people come to me for help. I have a long list of skills, that could aid a business like that including make-up, photography, photo editing, inter personal skills, I spent 2 years as a fashion stylist before my first tour to iraq, sales, networking, and marketing. I have somewhat of an a semblance of a plan. And Melody is right, I could make this into an issue through the media, the internet, and what not. And maybe my doing so could help other people. Even if it was at the expense of myself, I have been told my whole life by my family I have the heart of a martyr.. Both a good thing and a bad thing. Being an example could serve others well.

I have a lot more going for me than I let on, I get too critical of myself too often which doesn't help my depression. It sometimes takes the input of others like yourself to get me thinking about these things. It can be a problem, I know that and I need to work on that.

Point being yea I have dark thoughts more often than I should. I am sorry if this seemed like attention getting or whatever, but that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to share what I have been going through and get some feedback to let me know I am going to be ok. I put off a strong front normally but I am as scared as anyone else and I was having a bit of a freak out the last few days and needed support.

As far as HRT, as I said, I am more afraid of waiting and not having favorable results more than anything in the world. I would rather die than not pass. Passing is everything in the world to me. I am young, it may be really rough but passing to me is worth every risk. I see it as getting on HRT now could mean less surgeries later. Maybe I am alarmist. I have been told that too, but I am not willing to risk the emotional pain later of not passing and being behind in my transition. If I have anything going for me it is time to spend on my transition. And sometimes it takes a little help realizing that. I am not willing to wait. And let's be honest, if you had come to terms with being transgender at 23 do you think you could have waited with HRT dangling right in front of you in my situation?

[Starling]

Teagan, it sounds as if you've really prepared to act. I'm impressed.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Excellent response dear TNA! you sounded more desperate than thoughtful in your OP....i admire your tenacity and courage..

It's so easy to say "have a good case and go for it" melody... lots of ts women had a good case... and lost...if people give all advice to go for it! do it! you can do it! that's great, but then you better know if things don't work out there is a safety net
so yes get your ducks in a row, but great care should be taken to have a backup..

by the way, unless you are so young that there is more masculinity getting built into your face, the idea that HRT now will result in a more feminine you later is not realistic. The HRT does take time to work though, and if you want results now, starting now is the only way to shorten the waiting period...Plus it really sounds like you need HRT for your mental and physical well being....

FFS will have 100x more impact on your passing than an extra couple years of HRT... (that's a mathematical theorem btw...heh)

I hear you loud and clear and was not hinting you should delay... i was strongly urging you to make sure you knew your options if the military issue creates big problems for you...sounds like you are doing that...

I think your point about the current era is well taken.. it is better for you, and if you transition well (this is really my point in 2 words... TRANSITION WELL!!!!) then getting a job will not be an issue,, you'll be like any other girl trying to get a job...

for what its worth, i totally shared your fear about passing... i handled it a couple ways.. first i worked and worked until i saved up enough to afford the $50,000 it can take to do ffs... second i started my transition and RLE w/o the ability to pass... i planned a date to get ffs, signed up for it, and then spent the summer before the date living my life...so i did it at the worst time..summer and no surgery meant that i was androgynous at best...no more wigs..just doing my best with what i had..
i found this to be very liberating... i still wanted to pass...this is still important to me, but i found by going out and about that I felt ok...and i didn't doubt myself... to be clear, i was not working so i was not in the world as much as i could have been...

[Melody Moore]

Well Kaitlyn there are people there are those that stand up for their rights and there are those that just lay down
and get screwed over anyway. You are ignoring the fact that the military is already very aware about Teagan and
that most of the brass seems to also be on her side. And just last year one single transsexual soldier by the name of
Captain Bridget Clinch took on the ADF here in Australia and forced a change of policy. Now the Army is going to pay
for her SRS. Now what would have happened if she didn't stand up for herself? Get screwed over yet again?? No thanks.

I have taken on politicians and big business before and beat them and it is quite surprising what the little person can
really achieve if you have a solid voice, especially since Teagan already has so much support in the establishment. ;)

[Michelle.M]

I'm not convinced that a DD will make your life significantly more difficult.

Hope, by saying "DD" are you referring to Dishonorable Discharge? That's not really a factor. Assuming there are no extenuating factors and the service member is otherwise entitled to an honorable discharge, that's what she'll get. It's simply an admin discharge for the convenience of the government, much the same as discharging someone who has a medical condition (like severe asthma) that makes them unsuitable for service. No big deal.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

melody STOP arguing everything...what you are saying is so petty and small.. what the hell is wrong with saying watch your back...you would have been a great flag bearer for Pickett's Charge...
You are all about YOU, stick to the point of the OP....

every time somebody hints at one of your comments with a disagreement, no matter how minor, you rant on and on..the SAME junk every time..
some people fight for their rights, how people ignore what you say (When they dont!), how Australia is somehow this wonderful place for gender equaility, brag about your accomplishments, how you don't discriminate...its so lame .

i hate to break the news to you, but you live in the pimple on the arm of the world..lots of bad things happen and having people on a support forum don't pay bills or provide food...
you reduce your accomplishments with your constant bullying

[Jorja]

Teagan,
From your earlier post, to me, it sounded as though you were being forced into a decision out of desperation. I would not want to see you delay your transition any longer than necessary. When I suggested you complete you enlistment instead of taking a DD, I was only suggesting that it would be the better option. I was only urging you to make sure you know your options and the results of those options. I am glad you gave some more information about you situation. It is managable and would more likely result in a General or administrative discharge under honorable conditions.
For those that said they are not convinced that a dishonorable discharge will make your life significantly more difficult, a dishonorable discharge from the military is the civilian equivalent of being convicted of a felony. The U.S. Constitution does not recognize the category of "felons" or "dishonorably discharged" individuals as a protected class. This means that a bank or company may legally (yes legally) discriminate against someone on the basis of the individual's dishonorable discharge. All this on top of being a transgendered person. Tell me life wouldn’t be significantly more difficult.

Also, stop and think about it, the majority of businesses in the world are owned by....... men. The majority of men that have served in the military far out weighs those that haven't. They understand what a dishonorable discharge means. That means that many of these same men own businesses where one might apply for a job. Talk about a brotherhood. Basically, if you get a DD you are instantly blackballed.

[Melody Moore]

Kaitlyn,

I was not arguing, I was just stating facts & it is obvious I have learnt a little more about Teagan
than some of the others here and I have not been ignoring other points that she has raised here.
From the way I see it, it seems to be you with the different point of view that wants to get into an
argument here. As for wanting to challenge everything - if the system isn't broke I never try to fix it.
But if the system is broken and it is trying to also screw you over then what have you got to lose?

My 2 US born ex-wife's sons were denied the chance to go to school here because of government
bureaucracy for two years - so I took on the current State Premier of Queensland Ms Anna Bligh while
she was still the education Minister and she didn't like it one single bit when a reporter from the TV
Show 'Australian Current Affair" contacted her over her denying the two boys an education. The threat
of bad publicity got her attention real fast and she let the boys go to school after that. Now what
would have happened if I sat back and said nothing eh? Those two kids would still be suffering today.

There is something to be said about calling the pot kettle black Kaitlyn... so I hope you have a nice day ;)

[CharleneT]

I will be I will have turned 28 just before my contract ends.....the difference of four years right now could mean a lot...Plus I don't plan on living in the US the rest of my life anyways. I have very strong opinions about this country and the people running it. I am looking to relocate to Canada someday. I am 23 as of now...imagine had you waited 4 more years.

And thanks for the support girls :)

Actually, the difference 4 years is going to make for you - in terms of possible physical changes from HRT - is next to nothing. After puberty and before middle age, the affect that HRT has is about constant. You cannot measure it, there is no "scale" where X years means Y breast size or the like. I'd suggest stop worrying about that at all. I would concentrate on either making it thru the next 4 years, or in getting an honorable discharge. I know I am ignoring the potential pain of waiting with that advice. Here, I am just replying to the idea that you have limited time for HRT to have good affects. You are young and the affects you'll get now or in 4 years are likely pretty good. BUT those years will not significantly change the results.

[Melody Moore]

I honestly don't think everyone here is seeing the full picture with Teagan :(

If Teagan feels now is the time for her to start her transition because she feels that age is going to violate her body even
more, then what the hell can be wrong with that? I went through this whole thing going through puberty at 15 years old FFS!

What I am reading here about Teagan indicates to me that she also suffers a classic case of Gender Dysphoria with her GID
which is obviously starting to really consume her life and affect her ability to focus on anything else and pushing here to a very
dangerous point...


Last night was a breaking point for me, and made me weight the risk. In the last few months my depression concerning my gender conflicts has hit a head, and my thoughts have frightened me. Thoughts of ending it have been prevalent, and I have nearly justified it with the idea that perishing would show the army the problems their thumb twiddling causes.

It looks to me like Teagan has reached a make or break point with the military and her gender crisis. But what
I can't get my head around is how come so many people here cannot see this here. Right now Teagan feels like
she has absolutely nothing to lose. She has thought about the issue and knows she is in a safe supportive place.

Her superiors have her life standing still right now and just marking time while they figure out what they are going
to do with her. Is this the best course of action for someone who is tinkering so close to the edge? They know
about her gender issues but have completely overlooked how this is really impacting on her - did they forget that
she is a human too? This would be enough to push the best person right over the edge toward doing something
really stupid that will either get the DDed or carried out in a body bag. If anyone treated me or someone I knew
with so much malcontent and had forgotten all about me, then I sure would be making some noise as well.

Leaving the military doesn't mean the end of the road for Teagan because she has other skills she can also fall
back on, then she can always study to get more up-to-date training to add to that. So I wouldn't take any crap
lying down like they expect you to either because then you really are at the most risk of getting really screwed over.

So I say be well prepared and always be at the ready and standing on your feet, then they will take you seriously.

[Jorja]

Melody,
I am sure we all can see that Teagan is in a very difficult situation at the moment. Right now it is very important that she makes the right moves and avoids making matters worse between herself and the military. It is not quite as simple as you try to make it sound. You don’t just say, hey guys I am having a problem and need to go home now, bye.

The last I checked the United States is at war. This not only complicates things for her but the rules and policies of the military are stricter. What goes in peacetime doesn’t go in wartime. Here in the US we have an all volunteer military. Once you have signed on the dotted line, you are government property just like a gun, plane, or ship. They tell you when to eat, when to sleep, and where to go. If they want you to stand on your head, stick out your tongue, and pat your belly, you do it. No questions asked. If you do ask questions or refuse to do it, you are at risk of punishment. That can be anything from restricting your free time to execution depending upon the severity of the offence.

Now you said “Her superiors have her life standing still right now and just marking time while they figure out what they are going to do with her. Is this the best course of action for someone who is tinkering so close to the edge? They know about her gender issues but have completely overlooked how this is really impacting on her - did they forget that she is a human too”? It’s not that they don’t care but guns planes and ships don’t have problems like this. Chances are most of her superiors have no idea what GID or Gender Dysphoria is. They have never heard of it before. It is not a big deal to them at this moment. If they want her to mark time, she will mark time. Unfortunatly, it’s going to take some time to get it all worked out before anything happens unless she gets extreamly lucky and just the right person with the right understanding comes along.

You can sit there at home and puff out your chest spouting things like, “If anyone treated me or someone I knew with so much malcontent and had forgotten all about me, then I sure would be making some noise as well. Or “So I wouldn't take any crap lying down like they expect you to either because then you really are at the most risk of getting really screwed over”. But then you not the one in this situation are you? You are not the one that would have to face punishment for such things are you? No one is asking or telling Teagan to just lie down and take it. We are saying use your head and do not do something that is going to make the situation that much worse. Understand where you are now is very much like playing a chess game. Go for the checkmate.

[Sharon]

Teagan posted hoping to elicit responses and she did not specify which type of responses were or were not permissible. It's more than a bit silly for responders to her post to argue what opinions are valid and which ones aren't. And it's also a bit disingenuous to post that you yourself know the sole appropriate response.

[Aprilrain]

Sharon you should know that one pill is not enough for everyone! even if we crush it up and make fat lines with it! though I suppose if it is 250,000 mgs!!!! : P

[Hope]

"but this is also a different age than when you grew up."

Jesus. How old do I look in my photo? I'm only about 10 years older than you are sweetie.... and I'm trying to get a good gig NOW... in THIS economy.

Now why don't you kids get the hell off my lawn!

[Zenith]

...Now why don't you kids get the hell off my lawn!

Uh-Oh...she's waving her cane again...:stirthepot:

:Zenith:

Let me throw in some useful advice to accompany the Hope tease...

Being passable and fully transitioned won't mean much if you don't have a future. Sometimes transition shatters your life and you have to rebuild. It's not easy. It's best to avoid it in the first place. It may still happen despite your best efforts, but don't set yourself up for it...

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Rebuilding is nothing I am new to. After High School I had to rebuild when I was robbed and lost my job all in the same week. I had to rebuild when I came home from Iraq in 2009 and my fiance who had power of attorney had taken every last cent I earned, took my name off of my own lease, moved her new boyfriend in, and then to top it all off had a restraining order delivered to me in front of everyone at my homecoming ceremony. I had never done anything to her. Rebuilding is nothing new. But at least if I have to rebuild (which I kind of already am because I am not deploying as I expected) this time it at least it will be for something I want.

I have the support of family and friends so I am not worried about being abandoned.

[CharleneT]

LOVE the chill pill image !!!!!