i needed to vent

[Vera]

i am a 54 year old male living a lie to my friends and family...i crossdress...when i read your stories how you have spent so much on clothes ,wigs ,makeup and other fem articles.and are able to live with your SO as she participates with you,.i too would wish i could..but i will not let myself spend as much as i wish i could on things i can only wear in the bedroom.. my wife does not want to know so i play this game alone...i wear a beard to hide my feminine tendencies..i do not shave my body hair for fear i get in an accident or worse.i feel like dr. jeckel and mrs. hyde...i live this double life wearing only a few of my wifes clothes..i would love to go away for a week get all dolled up and live the way i know i should but i know its never going to happen... inside i feel like i'm dying inside while trying to protect this women who wants to come out ..but i can't let her out.. maybe in my next life things will work out...sorry to ramble on but i needed to tell someone

[Sarahgurl371]

Sorry for your situation. I understand how you feel. I know because thats exactly where i was a couple of years ago. All the pressure of wanting so badly to dress for a while, letting yourself do it, feeling ashamed that you couldn't control yourself, and guilt for hiding it from your wife. This cycle is forever repeated until, in my OPINION, you admit to yourself who you are, and ask yourself if you can continue to live this way. I couldn't. I needed her to know all of me, I need her to love all of me.

I can honestly say, that despite my current marital situation, I'm glad I told her. For me my femme side, whatever, must be a part of my life. I also think that I must share it with my SO, I want to share it with her. If this ain't meant to be, than I guess thats the way its meant to be for us. I do feel better about myself now. At the very least I've been honest with her, about EVERYTHING. It was hard to muster the courage, and I mean courage, to tell her. I know her. I was right. She doesn't like this sh%t at all. SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW WHO I AM. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED FOR WHO I AM. It sucks that it may be the end of 14 years.

My advice to you....Be honest with yourself first. Decide what it is you want in your life second. Make it happen, third. Always remember to be hopeful and positive. If you tell her, realize that this will hurt her. I know that it wasn't your intent to do so, she probably won't see it that way. Read some of the posts from the GGs here about how they felt. COMMUNICATE. its essential for you and her. Make sure that you tell her that its NOT BECAUSE OF HER, ITS NOT SOMETHING THAT SHE ISN'T DOING FOR YOU, ITS NOT HER FAULT THAT YOU ARE THIS WAY. I know its sounds cliche', but she will probably feel that way. First and foremost, you want to eliminate all the hurt and pain that you can through communication with her, you will not eliminate it all, and she will feel it. Only you know you, only you know her, only you can make these desicions. The last thing I would want to do is to advise somone, and have it ruin their marraige. Take your time and THINK before you speak. YOU CANNOT TAKE IT BACK. My wife says that she would rather that I continued hiding it from her, than to know about it. For my happiness, and self esteem, that wasn't possible. Its horrible that sometimes you hurt others, to feel better yourself, even if its not intentional, it still a horrible place to be.

I hope for you and her.

[celeste26]

So many of the members here have been where you are and many are still there.(I for one). My dressing it seems is controlled by the poor economic conditions I live in, I cant afford to buy the items. While I have in the past kept a beard I dont at this time. The frustration of knowing that nothing will come of all this constantly colors my life and leaves me depressed.

Secondly dont believe everything that is said on this forum, there is considerable exaggeration and wishful thinking even here. Although there are some good looking CDers here also.

Thirdly venting is valuable in and of itself, especially here with all the rest of us in a similar situation we know of what you write about. The ideas of some of the members have provided good advice and sympathy so hang in there.

Stay in contact with us and if things get too frustrating give it all to us with both barrels we've seen it all before and can take it. I hope that you can maintain some resemblance of sanity while this is going on, but have you considered counseling at all? The counselor will be sworn to secrecy concerning what issues you may talk about so confidences will be kept.

Good luck, stay sane, and write to us daily if need be.

[Jodi Lynn]

I too have been in the same place. Only thing is now my wife knows. Last April she found out about Jodi Lynn. She doesn't like Jodi at all. So I still dress when I am alone. I have went out a few times over the last year or so, but still I have to get dressed someplace else. While I have spent money on things for myself. I would love to spend more. Venting is good for sis and it all most allways helps.

Hugs and kisses, Jodi Lynn

[Shannon]

I can relate to so much of what you say. I kept my CrossDressing a secret from my ex through our 24-year marriage. I lived a double life. I purged and recycled. I wore a moustache. I'd take a business trip any chance I had just so I could dress up. It takes an emotional toll and a lot of energy to keep things hidden and repressed. If my wife hadn't discovered my CrossDressing, I don't know where I'd be today. We didn't get divorced strictly because of my CrossDressing -- there were a lot of other things going on as well.

I agree with what Tammy says -- be honest with yourself, decide what you want in life, and make it happen. My life is now much happier since I learned to create and control my life rather than simply respond to other people, situations and events.

I truly hope you can create joy and happiness for yourself

[Vera]

thanks for replying ladies...its just too bad there aren't ladies like you near me

[uknowhoo]

Some of us look great en femme.
Some of us have supportive SO's.
Some of us get out en femme regularly.
For others, only one or two (or zero) of the above apply.
Most often when I read a tale about another's outing en femme, I quite enjoy it, and get a vicarious thrill myself. Sometime though, it reminds me of my own limitations in CDing (my wife doesn't know yet, and I doubt she could be supportive, though she could possibly, hopefully tolerate it). It is a bit of a downer, I know. I'm sure you've spoken for many in this forum who are frustrated about their situations vis a vis where they'd like to be with their CDing. For me, CDing is a blessing, but a mixed one. I continue because, on the balance, it's a good and positive experience for me. It's not ideal, there are frustrations, which I try not to have bogg me down. But on the balance, I feel grateful for, and I'm able to celebrate this part of me.
Good luck to you, Vem, with your situation, and with your life.
Hugs,

Tammi

P.S. We're all here for you. I expect almost anyone here (myself included) would be happy to talk with you more via p.m., or whatever.

[HaleyPink2000]

Vem:

If you have been keeping up with the forum. You'll know much about many of us. Your Sisters! I my self and I would believe most of the rest on here share the same life story about our CDing. So as I said I don't know if you have been reading postings about Wife problems on here, but there are many. In my case and I would guess others. Those problems will never go away. I'd wish that they would. But wishing for me seems to never work. Yeah I get down about things I wish were different. As you also do. But as one other CD told me on the phone, " Haley I wish I had your wife and you had mine". That told me that even though I think I have problems someone else has worse ones.

Love to you and yours.
Haley:)

[robinLynn]

my wife suspects.last halloween cding just was too natural for me and it showed, and i was just so comftorable in my miniskirt and heels

[nancy58]

"Get it out in the open, that's what I say!" -- Monty Python sketch, circa 1972.

Much of my CD-related unhappiness resulted from keeping it a secret from my wife, and from anyone, for that matter. I realized after I came out to her that I had even been keeping it from myself, in a way, and just accepting this as a part of me helped a great deal. My wife doesn't want to see me dressed up, so I do it in those rare moments when I have the house to myself, but at least she knows, so she doesn't get upset if she bumps into some of my clothing.

I think you will find that getting some of your own clothing will help, because you won't feel guilty about playing with your wife's clothes. It's not clear to me whether you have told your wife, but I think that may help, too. But anyway, we're here, and we'll listen.

Regards,
Nancy