First time out -- I did it but need some comfort...

[Maiko Newhalf]

Dear Sisters,

I did it for the first time -- I went out en femme! But the experience is soooooooooooooo scary......

The trip plan was simple. I go out to a Arby's next to my hotel, get some dinner to go and come back, right? But nothing went as planned. First I get stage fright because I found out that my walk was horrible. I spending the next hour practicing and video recording my walk and almost gave up the idea of going out. However, it is not easy for me to get the chance to dress no mentioning going out en femme. So I really don't want to give up. I finnaly gather enough strength to pull open the door and step out -- I'm officially out!

It starts OK before I step out the totel. A couple of guys shared the elevator with me but didn't show any thing odd. But right after I step out of the hotel there were this guy (with all dirty clothes, homeless or something) walking by and saying "Hey you look sexy where are you gioing?" in a VERY BAD way! I got the so scared and so nervous and so self-concious after it. I managed to ignore him and went on my way. I did remember to stop at the side of the road and check to see if he followed me. This is the first time I felt the helplessness of a girl also I'm still the same guy I felt completely different.

Then I arrived at Arby's. The staffs are really nice. They know I'm a guy in dress but didn't show anything. I placed my order and waited quitely there. And these three collage guy arrived at the restaurant in their big truck. One guy kept looking my way trying to read me. Wow, it feels bad to be read. I guess he must have sensed my nervousness. Before I left I accidentally hit a emply container down and the guy just shouted out loud in a teasing way "Easy!Easy!!". The only good thing is another guy who just came in when I left opened the door for me. I guess I perhaps pass at the first glance or he's just really nice. Anyways, God bless him.

Well, if you think this is the trip, the worst has never happened yet. After returning to the hotel and get on to the elevator by myself. I finally felt relief. My stomache was aching partly because of the hunger parly the nervousness. But I thought I did it and were actually very happy that I made my "maiden" outting safely back. By the time I reach the door, I'm really in the mood to chill out and enjoy my food. THEN, HERE COMES THE WORST: THE DARN KEY DIDN"T WORK!!!!!!! How could this happen. I tried a million times and ran through a million possibilities in my head. I thought about the people I could call for help -- it's not my home but even at home I have not outted to anyone. I felt so helpless at the time. In the end I decided to call the front desk. I was hoping I don't need to come back down but they said I had to. I went pass a family on my way. And I was so panic they read me right away. They stopped chatting when I passed them. The girl at front desk was surprise when I say I need a new key because when I called I used my male voice and when I spoke to her in person I used the female one. But she didn't say anything and just nicely pointed out that I should put my key near a cell phone. The cell phone!!! I haven't get used to put everything I need in the purse!

Anyways when I come back to my room, my stomach were actually spasming and I felt horrible. I have to collapse on the ground for a while before I could recover my strength to remove my wig etc..

Now after more than a hour I finally calmed down. And you know what? I don't regret going out of the door. It's something I have to do. I hope more and more people understands what it feels like to be trans. We didn't choose to be this way. (I have tears in my eye when I wrote this...) I don't want to go back in denial anymore despite the fact that I lost my self confidence and the horrible feeling of being read and outted. I can only think about how to move forward, to be accepted and before that how to accept myself. I guess my nervousness get magnified when I thought about I'm attending a conference with people in my field. The fear of being outted is much more intense -- that's why I chose to not have dinner in the safety of inside the hotel in the first place.

Well, this is my experience of first time out en femme. There will be a second time and it will get better. Thanks for reading this long post!

Rose

[joanne shannon]

Congratulations Rose...You finally did it! The next time will be a little easier . . . you did good girl.

Joanne

[Monique Myers]

Glad you didn't regret it. Don't worry about passing, just be yourself and enjoy your time out. What others think is not remotely as important as how you feel inside.

[sara.s]

Congrats Rose.. you will feel better and better every time you go out.. Try to smile as much as possible. Even if you are read, your smile will still give out a positive vibe.

[Duana]

Rose,

You were very brave and I'm incredibly proud of you. It takes massive courage to do what you did and you did it. That's more than 75% of CDs will ever do. Trust me when I say, it gets easier each time. Keep going and pretty soon you'll be rocking the world en femme. Keep up the good work.

[MJ]

Congratulations Rose, but please just relax. get out there have a good time. hell i don't pass n i'm a full time girl ...well herman munster in a dress.. but just be yourself. good job well done :)

[sara.s]

Rose,

You were very brave and I'm incredibly proud of you. It takes massive courage to do what you did and you did it. That's more than 75% of CDs will ever do. Trust me when I say, it gets easier each time. Keep going and pretty soon you'll be rocking the world en femme. Keep up the good work.
That means 1 in 4 cd's dare to go out completely dressed, which is not true. it must be something like 95% or more..

[cdtraveler]

Amazing courage! as someone still quite closeted I can assume you as I read your story I could still very much understand how you must have felt and yet you di it! We are here to support you (even if I'm still not quite where you are at present on this wondeful trip of life.)

[Maiko Newhalf]

Thank you girls. You always make me feel better when I'm depressed. :)

I'm more leaning towards the transgender side so going out is a must for me. I treat it like a mini RLE. I have this deep yearning to be able to interact with people as a woman. That's why I care about passing so much. I'm sure I'll enjoy the experience themselves better and better. I need to build up confidence and self-acceptance.

The experience is not just bad. Sure it's scary but I need to feel the cons of being a women like sometime being helpless and even harrassed as well. It is necessary to my transistion, if there will be one. The thing is I have family responsibilities so transitioning is a very complicated deal. I also can't share these experience with my wife. She knows I'm going out but I'm sure she don't want to know the details...

I'm so glad that I have you gals. :)

[Maiko Newhalf]

You know, the more I think about it the more I realized that the not passing should be a given. Only the extremely luck trans girls pass in the beginning I guess. Self-acceptance and positive altitude would certainly help. If I smiled at that guy, he might not be reading or teasing me like that anymore.

100% not passing is somewhat dissapointing though. LOL.

[MJ]

if thats your avatar then you should not have any trouble passing you look great

[susangirl]

Rose Rose Rose

You got out the door and most don't get that fare. I can understand your feelings about going out and how other people view you as a woman. Don't give up and keep thinking about the reasons you what to do this. In the end all of your effort will be worth it. It took me over three years to open the door and go. Once you get the confidence to just go it feels great. Sure people read me but who cares, I don't. Talk with you soon.

[Marcia Blue]

Rose you did fine. The first time out is nerve wracking. The room key thing, is a test, I have had to deal with this test also. You passed the test and gained admittance to your room. You did learn that the hotel staff, fast food staff, and the general public, really do not care what you wear. Way to go Girl!! Next time will be easier.

[sissystephanie]

Rose,

I have been a crossdresser for the better part of 70 years. In that time I have been out in public more times then I can count! But the very worst time occured about 5 1/2 years ago after my wife had died. She had totally supported my CD'ing and always did my makeup and fixed my wig when I went out in public. I was terrible at both so just let her do it. When she died, I wondered how I would ever go out again. I decided to try going out dressed completely enfemme, but with no wig and no makeup. In other words, I go out as a guy dressed as a woman. The amazing thing is, nobody cares!! I have been going out that way for the last 5 1/2 years and have not one single negative remark made to me!!

Most of the fears that you had occurred in your own mind!! You are a good looking girl and should not worry about passing. People really don't pay that much attention to what you are wearing, unless you are dressed to show off!! I am a Natural 40 B, and usually wear uplift bras so as to create nice cleavage!! And I do show it off, even though I certainly look like a man!!

Get dressed up and go out again!! It is fun!!

[Danielle_cder]

you rocked it girl! had challenges overcame every one of them and your still breathing have all of your limbs! life is one step at a time. Think about how much adrenaline you got! people skydive jump off cliffs race cars to get the rush, we just have to wear clothes and go into the world.

put a smile on your face, hold your head up be proud!!!

-d

[AKADonna]

Rose,

You made it, girl! Just rejoice in that fact. To me, the only scary part of your story is the weird, apparently homeless guy and your concern for your safety. MOst eveything else is just people being people. It will get better each time you go out! You have the worst part behind ya now!

[Risque_Christine]

Good for you, Rose! It takes most of us years just to accept that this is something we have to do, and then go do it. Just a few words of encouragement:
1) You will take more care to look your best than most women will, and I bet GGs get the same treatment at times.
2) Someplace, somewhere a kind or less observant person will make you feel like a million bucks by doing something simple like saying "Hello, Miss" or holding the door for you. It will happen and you will be on Cloud 9.
Christine

[Diana Bain]

Rose, you did it...walked in the world. I did the same a couple of weeks ago scared shi.less. But it's a start...a part of us belongs out there...I wish you well!

[Jorja]

Way to go Rose!!!! So brave. You met all the challenges that came your way. Not many can say that on their first time out. As your confidence builds it does get easier.

I would tell about my first time out but I cannot be responsible for so many laughing themselves to death. ;)

[Duana]

That means 1 in 4 cd's dare to go out completely dressed, which is not true. it must be something like 95% or more..

I'm not sure if you mean 95% do or do NOT go out? The number I heard was 70% never go out.

[bridget thronton]

Well done Rose. Quite a long adventure.

[DanaR]

Rose, congratulations on your first time out. Hopefully it will be easier the next time. I think that as long as you try to act and dress normal, most people won't give you a second look. Most of us over dress, even dressed up women get looked at. As far as the room key, I usually get 3 and put one of them in my wallet and the others in different places in my purse. You might check the room keys occasionally, just to make sure they all work. I've gone through the same situation that you did with the key.

[Donna1]

Wow, Rose, I wish I had your courage!!!! I envy you girl, congrats!!!!! hugs!

[jjjjohanne]

Rose, you were brave. I wouldn't have dreamed to go to a store and interact with people on my first outing. I recommend that you be careful going out at night. It feels safer because it is dark, but bad people feel safer in the dark too. I found that going to the mall during school hours is the safest feeling outing I have ever had. Most people don't see you when they are shopping. Anyhow, you are brave! Congratulations! Hold your head up high and people will be more intimidated of you than to make a scene. (Not that people ever seem to make a scene.)

[Rianna Humble]

Well done Rose! Overcoming our fear of what will happen takes immense courage and I'm proud of you for doing that :hugs:

I'm sorry that your first encounter had to be with the creep on the street but you handled it well. I know that on my first few outings, I was incredibly conscious of how I thought people were reacting to me. Turns out some of them had not even noticed me :eek:

Luckily there will always be one or two like the gent who held the door for you.

As you have found, restaurant/hotel staff will not normally discriminate against you but will treat you as the valuable customer that you are.

I can understand why it took you ages to calm down after a scary experience like that, but you have got just the right attitude when you talk about accepting yourself and I promise you that it does get easier bit by bit. :bighug:

[Maiko Newhalf]

Thank all you girls. I feel much better both physically and emotionally after a night of sleep.

I know there'll be a second time. And hopefully it will get eaiser -- I have to get out. :)

[jillleanne]

Good for you Rose!!!!! You did it girl, you crossed that line that was choking you and now the noose has been removed for good. I'm sure you are already practicing in your mind, your next trip out. You did great on your first outing and should be proud of yourself. It just gets easier from here on in. Go shopping girl!!! Hugs, Jill

[linda allen]

That's great Rose, you've got to go back and do it again. I've been out just two or three times, walking around in the park in the city and in an outdoor mall. I've been wearing sunglasses and no eye makeup. The first time, I got out and started walking down the sidewalk and it wasn't a minute before a lady said "good morning" to me. Scared the heck out of me. The best I could do was smile, nod my head, and mumble. I wasn't ready to speak. I'm still not.

[junetv]

Thank you for sharing Rose.

You remind me of some of my first times going out while at a hotel. The key thing happened to me too. I had to go the front desk to get it reprogrammed.

Here's a hint when going out: smile or smile on the inside (try smiling without opening your mouth - but with your eyes). You will look prettier and happy. As far as your walk, one of the things I notice about a female walk vs a male walk is the arm position. Men tend to walk a little gorilla arm-like, whereas women walk with their elbows closer to their torso. Carrying something in your hand helps to disguise your hands. Keep your back straight. From what I can see in your picture, you look very pretty and should have no problem going out.

~June

[Debra Russell]

Good for you Rose! Now it will be easier - we all have fears and doubts and I have recently expierenced my own and have never really had any earthshaking incidendes, a few looks and one a very out loud "sir, your change" at a drive through coffee stand but as a whole it's been a great femm time when presenting as femm. Now collect your self confidence - head up - and continue on, and post some pics................................huggs ..Debra

[Chickhe]

Now you know... your heart works, you can deal with almost anything now, the people who saw you didn't see a guy in a dress they saw a very nervous woman...also you learned that cel phone mess up pass keys, at Arby's they treat all customers the same and you survived! Ready for next time!

[kimdl93]

Rose, its ok....nerves are part of being human and self aware. In fact, my guess is that your nerves were more obvious than your gender was to those around you. Its that old "fight-flight" response that heightens your nerves, and in the event of a real threat , thats a good thing. Your out for the first time, self conscious and expecting reactions...so those survival instincts can take control. The college guys probably didn't give you a second thought...they were just being college kids. As for the family, don't most people stop talking when they see someone hurrying and in apparent distress. Its a natural response and probably didn't mean you were read.

In some ways, the key malfunction was icing on the cake. Talk about having to confront your fears, huh? And you prevailed. So, Congratulations!

BTW, being read isn't all that bad, nor the end of the world. I certainly am read most of the time by most people. But I never went out with illusions about passing. My hope is to blend in as best I can and enjoy the experience of interacting with people. The first time, I was nervous too, and I still get a touch of stage fright before I step out of my car, but not nearly enough to stop me.

[Maiko Newhalf]

Wow. It has been a long and hectic day at the conference. The talks are interesting -- it's nice to be able to attend a research type conference once a year. It gives me some new ideas/knowledge that not so confined to my everyday job. It's expensive though.

Anyways I almost forgot the bad things happened yesterday and the only thing I remembered is that I went out! I made it -- another baby step as Rose!

My travel plan changed so I have to get back home earlier -- my wife and kid miss me. So there's less time for Rose at least for now. I did book Phoebe's make-over/bed and breastfast service here in Atlanta though. I had to spend a whole day traveling back (7 hours flight, OMG) so I need to find a place to stay after the conference. She seems to be really nice and knowledgable when I talked to her over the phone. I hope I could learn something about how to present the feminine me so that next time outting could become easier.

[Stephanie47]

Congratulations. The only time I interacted with people while en femme was a Halloween. Once I went into a grocery store. Another time into a doughnut shop. And, that's when I was more attractive (or handsome) than thirty years later. The best I can muster now is an evening stroll when darkness is approaching. Starting next week my wife is going to be out of town seven nights and I plan to go out for strolls each night. Some of you girl cautioned me last time to avoid places where my safety would be in peril. I am hoping for rain all of those seven nights so I can conceal my facial features behind an umbrella. For now I am content to just stroll. I've had many years of practice walking in heels, so that is not the problem. The problems is I just don't have the balls- er, those I have!

PS: Just as I'm banging away on the keyboard it has started to pour- save some drops for next week!

[Lori B]

you go girl! we are all so proud!:hugs:

["Mary"]

Congrats on your first outing Rose. Lots of lessons learned, eh? Good for you -with no regrets. It will be more fun and go much better next time. Thanks so much for sharing.

[Josephine]

Now you know... your heart works, you can deal with almost anything now, the people who saw you didn't see a guy in a dress they saw a very nervous woman...also you learned that cel phone mess up pass keys, at Arby's they treat all customers the same and you survived! Ready for next time!

I think Chickie said it perfectly. I don't think anyone "read" you at all. I think that your own fear got the worst of you. With the picture of your avatar, I think these people were probably just wondering why you were so nervous. Congrats on going out, and be confident, as confidence is very important. Remember, you look like a girl, and will be treated like one, IE, sexual innuendos, like the one the bum gave you, etc. All the best hon, onward and upward!

[JenniferLynn0370]

Congratulations Rose; that's fantastic!!! Focus on the positive aspects of your outing and keep on going!

Hugs,
Jen

[Badtranny]

You know, the more I think about it the more I realized that the not passing should be a given. Only the extremely luck trans girls pass in the beginning I guess. Self-acceptance and positive altitude would certainly help. If I smiled at that guy, he might not be reading or teasing me like that anymore.

100% not passing is somewhat dissapointing though. LOL.


NOBODY passes the first time hon, and I'm over a year into my transition and I STILL don't pass 100%!

It's a long strange trip so if this is indeed your calling get ready. ;-)

I can promise you that it does get easier though. Not only do you get more relaxed and competent, but you begin to care much less about the negative people. They're just speed bumps, roll over them slowly so they can see you smiling.

[PretzelGirl]

Very nice Rose! You really showed some desire when you kept driving on. Now it is just about repetition and being relaxed in the fact that you are beautiful and you can go out and have fun and no one will care. This isn't easy. But you did it and facing some adversity the first time really showed how much you wanted it. Woo-hoo! :hugs:

[Noemi]

Honey Bunny,

You express your self so clearly, and are so honest. Your post sure helped me. I have never been out either and am leaning toward the TG side as well. Your truth is very powerful and you seem the type to learn and get the details correct. The next time will be better, and better.....

I am at a point in my life where my usual rational of it is folly to pretend to be a woman when I am a man, no longer holds up. I know as much as any one can that I am Trans, the feminine feeling is on me all day now.
I have been depressed about my gender issues for my entire life and need to remedy this. So becoming better at dressing(being yourself) is really an important thing. You avatar is pretty, you are going to do great.

Thanks Again.

[Maiko Newhalf]

FILOMENA, I never thought that my first outting experience would be helpful to anyone. I'm glad that you found it so. Thank you sweetheart. :)

[MargaretJ]

Well done Rose. That's the first one out of the way, and I hope you will get out again soon. I still get a bit nervous when I go out, but the main thing I find is that most people aren't actually paying much attention to anyone else as they go about their lives.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Maiko,

Remember, dear, that guys look at women. All the time. Everywhere. There is no changing this fact. So just because a guy or guys are looking at you does NOT mean that they are "CLOCKING" you.

And guys are gonna catcall you also. All the time. Everywhere. And they are gonna pinch you and feel you and grab you and propose dirty stuff to you. This stuff comes with the territory. Better get used to it. It ain't gonna stop.

Your avatar looks great. Keep up the good work.

S

[Jannette H]

Maiko,
The more you go out the easier it gets. I remember my first time and how nervous and shaky I was but it got easier. It's a lot of fun isn't it. Be careful and enjoy the moment.

[Carmen]

Maiko I'm sooooo happy for you! Yes your first time out had it's little complications, and you handled everything like any girl would have.
Just be the woman that you are, enjoy yourself, look people in the eyes, smile and be pretty!
My little bits of advice to you...when en femme, always use your femme voice. When you walk keep your lower back curved in and your butt out, ,stand tall, keep your chest out, shoulders back, lock your entire body mind and soul into that girly poise and your walk will naturally become very femme.

Hugs,
Linsey

[Rachel Morley]

Oh WOW Rose, that sure was a "baptism of fire" .. for sure. But you know what? .. you survived it and now you will be stronger because of it. The fact is that going out in the mainstream public is somewhat risky for all of us, and you, girlfriend, just happened to have gotten a less than perfect experience on your first outing. To go to Arby's on your first trip outside is awesome! .. way more courageous than anything I could ever do. I think that your upcoming times en femme in the mainstream are going to be so wonderful as you have already experienced the tough ones. Thanks for sharing! You rock!

Hugs
Rachel

[Emme]

The first time I went out a Emme, was at night. I was staying on my boat. I wanted to walk down the waterfront in my new dress and wool coat. I went out side and saw a truck load of teen boys hanging out in the parking lot across the street. Suddenly the fear hit me. Instantly I knew how a GG must feel, all alone on a street or in a parking lot. Not only was I a woman, but I was a "man woman"....wow what could have gone down. I did not go out untill the parking lot was clear of people. Only then, did I venture out in the clear, crisp, cold air, and feel the breeze up my skirt. I was hooked!

That was ten years ago. Now I go out in the daytime. I talk and act like ME. I know they know, and I have had no bad experience. Most people are only interested in what "they are doing". I have checked in to a campground as Emme and then they knew I was there. The women at the front desk were kind. told me I looked good...liars....and we had fun. When it was time to go to my support group meeting I went down for them to check my makeup. The women were gone and the only one in the front office was a man. I asked a customer in the store how my makeup looked. She was kind. We walked back to our campsites and had a nice chat about our lifestyle. I hope I made a positive impact.
I have found going out in femme takes practice. It iis fun, and tiring at the same time.
Congratulations on taking that first step.

[sanderlay]

Maiko... Rose...

Congratulations... you did it! You're ahead of the curve. Many people never go out their door and let fear win. Even with some shaky moments you learned some valuable lessons by your experience and had a good time. I'm very proud of you. I promise it will get easier in time. Some day you will look back on this event and smile having demolished all your fear of being yourself and letting the world see your beauty.

[Maiko Newhalf]

Dear sisters, I posted my experience at a professional make-over artist place a few days later here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?161866-The-PINK-Fog-Professional-Make-over-Experience-with-Phoebe-Cross-in-Atlanta&highlight= . It was wonderful and helped me rebuild much of my shattered confidence.

Emme. I KNOW what you mean about teen boys. Gosh, I never thought that I could feel young men to be that aggressive...

[karen88st]

Thanks for sharing. You have accomplished a lot for the first outing, especially going to Arby's. Once you did it, it will be easier next time and you will enjoy much more.

[MsJanessa]

It's always hard the first time but it will become much easier the more you do it. Next time you might try a club or bar frequented by tg/cds---btw I've been lock out of a hotel room with a key that didn't work---I was wearing a skin tight black leather minidress, thigh high stilletto heeled boots, and shoulder length black leather gloves---I trotted my butt down the to the front desk, got the key and a big smile from the two girls working there, and got back into my room---although I'm sure I gave them something to tell their friends about for the next week, I had absolutley no problems and neither did you, so it seems

[Maria 60]

It take's a lot of courage to do what you did. If you want something bad you have to go out and get it. For our first time it sounds like it wasn't that bad. By the look of your aviator you are very passable and hope you don't give up that was a very big step and you should be very proud of yourself.

[KellieCD]

Thanks for sharing your experience! I want to have a sucessful first time. You did great! Would you share additional outings as you become more adventurous?

[Maiko Newhalf]

Shouldn't they just include the key thing in every one of the CD survival guide? :daydreaming:

[pantyhoselover]

Congrats Maiko! I have not done it yet, but I look to girls like you for inspiration. Soon, someday soon for me!

[Christina_Marie69]

I am so glad you did make it out Maiko. The first time is always the hardest. Especially doing it all on your own. The ladies are right, it will get easier. Whenever you’re ready, feel free to join us some time. I am sure you will pass a lot easier than I do. :)
Christina Marie

[gabimartini]

Good for you, congrats, Rose! It does get easier with time. First, you become more self-confident, and second, you'll notice that very few people really look at other people for more than a second at most.

[Loni]

welcome to the world of light, it is grand to be out and doing as one wants to is it not. :-)

now keep a good thought and next time make sure your key works first. ;-)
you will find most do not care enough to notice, and those that do well they will not cause a problem, might even give them a smile for the day. but it gets easier and better. the fun is just beginning. soon the mall shopping, going to the store for food, hardware, etc. even a weekend or just a fun day in the city.
(for my family going to sf for a a day is a big thing).
playing tourist, shopping, having lunch, maybe dinner, or even just to the local pizza joint for a pie.

.

[Christina Horton]

Hi. If you'd like to read of my first time its will show you what I did and I was told by few that they did not belive me. But all you'll read was 100% truthfull. What you did and had to real with was a good thing. Why. Well you had a small prob and you lived. Lol. So anything that comes next will be w walk in the park.... Like a walk in the park would be lol. I'll put the link so you can go right to it. I hope you enjoy it. Oh ya I also update it a little somewhere in the thread so if you read it all not only will you get the full story of my first time but others will tell you some of there's.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?91079-Frist-time-OUT-YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA&highlight=

[heidi99]

I would like to know (might be a good Discovery channel topic) if there is some technology embedded in those room key cards that knows one would rather not have to go to the front desk for a replacement! It seems to happen pretty frequently.

[HelenR2]

Ah Maiko, a wonderful little memory for you and well done girl. I felt that your story was not so much about obstacles but problems you had met and dealt with.