Help!!! Pink Fog's Got me! Is there a way to find balance here?

[cdtraveler]

As a closeted CDr, I've found my life very much out of balance as of late as all I seem to be able to focus on is my fem desires and wants and yet having little opportunity to act on them, I think is contributing to this feeling of frustration. Seems the more I can't fulfill these impulses to expand into new "territory" as it were, the more the fog negatively affects my abilitty to stay living in the here and now. I feel so disjointed as a result I could cry sometimes.

Anyone else out there been in this place? No desire to come out at present, little desire to fight off the positive/enjoyable feelings the fog brings on and so not sure what to do.....

[Cynthia Anne]

I would think that would be pretty normal when time is limited! Perhaps you can focus on giving, making or just finding more time to be you! Best of luck! Hugs!

[Cari]

Search the threads here I'm sure you will find you are not alone :-)

[paulaloha]

Nope, you are not alone. I am in the same boat as you sister!
It really sucks! I keep thinking that I should tell one of my close friends, go shopping with her and everything will be alright.
But I never do it, I just keep to myself, I keep dreaming every night. I keep reading thread upon thread, post after post.
And the desire does nothing but get stronger, it's so strong as you said, it keeps you from being in the here and now.
I live every night wishing my situation was other than it is right now. But at the end of the day I realize I'm still me.
But then I have to ask myself who that is, who am I?
I keep finding that the answer is just beyond my grasp, but every day I am coming so much closer to figuring it out.
Yesterday, I was so close I could taste it, I almost knew exactly who I was. But today there was a slight haze and the question returned.

Wow... I just realized how cheesy that sounded.

Oh well, basically what I am saying is that I feel your pain and frustration.
I know one day it will all be better, that day just isn't today for me.

Stay strong sister, we are here for you!

[jillleanne]

Been there, done that hon. Just a stage in the life of a gender enhanced person. You'll get through it in time, just like we all did. Helpful hint: For what it's worth to you, if I could do one thing over, I would have accepted who I am when I was in my teens and came out to the world for good way back then. Why? Because I think back to all the years I spend in the proverbial closet and feel they were lost to my lack of understanding who I am, lack of bravery, and lack of accepting who I am. However, I really never knew at the time I would continue to dress en femme the rest of my life. Each of us are different and only one's self can decide what's best for them. Just know, we all have been through what you are experiencing and others will follow. How and when you decide to handle it is up to you and you alone. You will only find all the answers when you really accept who you are, and you will sooner or later.

[ElusiveGirl]

When the pink fog is taking over, it is a sign that you have been out of balance for too long. The only remedy is to ride it out... loud, pink, and proud. Hopefully it will subside in a few days.

I used to deal with it however I could fit into my existing life: Walking around in my heels at home, wearing jewelry, dresses, wigs, forms, undergarments, writing in my journal, listening to emotional music, whatever relieved the pressure. This is a good time to relax with understanding friends or go out to your local gayborhood and dance. Just don't make any big decisions about transitioning or coming out at work right now... you need to get back in balance first.

[xristy]

I feel for you as well. I recently came out of the pink fog and thought it would never lift.

It started a few weeks before my wife had a scheduled trip out of town. Just knowing that I was going to have time for myself started to kick things into gear. However, things really hit the fan after she left and I was fully into things and enjoying myself. The more I enjoyed myself, the foggier it got. I then made my first trip out while dressed. That put me on a high that I have never reached before.

My wife then got back in town I thought I had things under control. However, they were not under control. Quite the opposite happened, most every thought in my head was about CDing and being femme. I couldn't figure out how to get out of the fog and wasn't sure if it would happen this time. My work was suffering, I had a hard time keeping things in order within my mind. Just had one goal and that was to live out my femme desires.

I did finally come out of it with time. What I think helped get me out of it was work had some major issues that required all of my attention. I think that helped pull my mind back from the fog to what is my normal every day self.

After that roller coaster ride, I think I have changed a bit.

It isn't the best way to get out of the fog, but sometimes you can get jerked out of it. However, I kinda wish I hadn't. The pink fog is a rather nice place to be. Kinda reminds me of the land of the lotus eaters....

Xristy

[kimdl93]

My first reaction in reading this was "give in to the force"...but I know this is a serious issue for you and one that many of us have shared. I think part of the challenge is to acheive some level of clarification on what your values are, what obstacles prevent you from expressing your fem desires, and considering how you may be able to express them without adversely affecting other aspects of your life. The answer will be uniquely your own, although you may find inspiration in many of our stories.

[docrobbysherry]

But, u MAY NOT LIKE IT!?:eek:

Whenever u feel like dressing, DO IT! Every day! Every nite! Every weekend! :brolleyes:

Eventually, u will burn out! Then, not want to dress for some time! Like me, after dressing every day, all day, for 5 days at the SCC! :D

It took me over 9 months to balance dressing, thinking about dressing, talking about dressing online, and my vanilla life!:straightface:

But first, as Kim stated, u must GIVE IN to the PINK FOG! Or sadly, you'll never find your balance point!:sad:

[cdtraveler]

What is it that you want to do that you can't? Dress more fully and often, openly shop and interact with others in our community w/o losing everything that matters to me of course. am a bit restricted by the male life I've created though so doing a majority of these things is dangerous.

appreciate the stories and thoughts being shared. most grateful to all of you! Hope to hear from others.

Amanda

[ElusiveGirl]

I think you nailed it right there: Your male life is too restrictive.

Look for constructive ways to change it. Not by wearing pink nail polish or wearing bras, but in the actual living of your male life. Soften the edges. Buy some pullover knit guy shirts that are comfy to the touch. Pamper yourself in little ways. Enjoy a gourmet chocolate bar or take a nice bubble bath once in awhile. Sign up for a relaxing yoga class with slow breathing poses.

Over time, the better your male life gets, the less "volcanic" your pink life will be. Sometimes it requires making a big sacrifice or two, but I think freedom is more important than anything because no one is happy without it.

[vikki2020]

I agree! Try to put some of that Pink in your everyday life, and find a balance like that! If you can, that is!

[xristy]

I think balance is the key and we are all looking for that. For some balance leans more one direction or the other and some it is right in the middle. I keep loosing my balance and often find myself picking myself off the floor.

Xristy

[Karren H]

Funny when I think of pink fog and balance I think of being out of control with all things fem and trying to back off and get back to some normalism... But that's not the case... Think that interjecting more fem things in your daily life may work... A lot of times it could make things worse! You almost have to experiment with it. See if it reduces the anguish.

[ReineD]

I know that you're married and you feel your wife would not approve. I won't debate this, since I obviously don't know you or her.

But, in my opinion the only way to achieve balance is to allow your girl side to catch up to your guy side, and you can't do this while you're sharing a life with someone who doesn't know, unless you travel frequently and you can find a way to develop your femme expression on business trips. However, if you do this you enter into the dangerous netherworld of a double life which will hurt your wife deeply when she does find out.

In a past thread you asked how you could change your macho image in your wife's eyes. A few people suggested you begin to be more vulnerable and perhaps engage in activities in male mode, that you enjoy and have previously not allowed yourself such as baking a cake or watching a chick flick with your wife for example. Have you given this any thought?

Your desire to express yourself may well go away if you continue to suppress it. No one here can say whether it will or not. But eventually, if it continues to grow, you may have to face having that talk with your wife. Most members here have imagined their wives would not take to the idea well. Some have been correct, while others have been pleasantly surprised. If your marriage is sound, there is a good chance that your wife will not divorce you over the CDing. She may reject it in the beginning and it may take her a while to get used to the idea, but if the two of you keep working at it, if you don't hide anything from her that will give her the impression she is now second place in your life, then at least you'll be able to carve out some time to express yourself even if it is attending a TG support group on a regular basis.

I hope this helps.

[josee]

Look for a local crossdressing or transgender support group you can become involved with. If you are able to actually meet and talk with others you will likely feel less of that pent up frustration of not having anyone to talk to. Plus it will give you opportunity to dress in a safe environment.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step.

Heard that last part somewhere.

[Kittyagain]

Amanda, the pink fog is addictive in my thoughts. Not a bad addictive like somethings but the can be dense enough you lose where the balance at this time in your life.

The balance so many have posted about lets you stay in the fringes, stay pink but not consumed. Sometimes the best way out of the pink fog is a day in man land, in drab accomplishing your goals. Then start again trying for a nice balance.

I like to say it is like the balance or the fade on your stereo, when its right to you, you know it.

Now the gray fog sucks worst of all.

Kitty

[meri]

I have had many serious encounters with the pink fog. The pink fog is likely coming from deep within your subconscious and is trying to get you to acknowledge your feminine self. Once you acknowledge her, the fog lifts, but you have to fully accept that this is your true self. BTW, it doesn't mean that you also have a masculine self, it is really about your acceptance of the feminine within you too.

The fog dragged me to the brink several times and finally one night, I said out loud that I accepted this part of me as real. That this indeed is my core.

Funny thing is, as soon as I did that, the fog disappeared.

I have had a couple of minor bouts with it in the past two years, but it happens when I am second-guessing myself. Then I remember who I am.

Bottom line is, know thyself, once you do, you won't be dragged kicking and screaming down anymore pink tunnels!