Self-Doubt

[ameliabee]

Hi all.

So, I have a bit of a question for you all - how does one definitively confirm that one is indeed transsexual?

My therapist approved me for HRT a little over a week ago and referred me to an endocrinologist. Don't have an appointment yet, but I should soon enough. My goal is to go full-time at the start of 2012.

Now that I'm really getting going with transition...

I just have to wonder... Is this the right way to go for me?

Is there any sort of standard metric that isn't a load of bunk?

How on earth do you confirm such? How do you know that your femininity isn't just something you've constructed in your own mind?

How do you know the real you?

Thanks,
Amelia

[Melody Moore]

First of all, don't feel as though you have to fit neatly into one box with your gender identity. There are many
gender variants within the area of transsexualism alone. This is what the new SoC is trying to really point out
as well. We all traverse a continuum in a very broad spectrum of gender identities to find out where we fit in
and how we can be happy and quite often nowadays hormone therapy is also used to help us do that.

Hormones therapy is as much of a diagnostics tool for Gender Identity Disorder as it is a treatment. If hormones
are not for you, then you probably won't like it and this is often the case for most M-F crossdressers who have
transvestic fetishism because it will kill their male libido which is what drives their fetish. But for most of us it
brings peace and calm to our lives almost immediately with the struggles we had over our gender identities. The
feeling is quite the opposite of the Gender Dysphoria we ever experienced before. Many of us then experience
Gender Euphoria which is considered to be quite normal for a transsexual person overcoming gender related issues.

Obviously your therapist feels that hormones is the next step for you, so that can only mean that this
is something you and your therapist feels is right for you. No-one has come to that decision on their own.

So is there any other way you can confirm it now without taking this next step? I don't think so. Sure there
are risks, but there is risk in everything in life and if you never take risks then you are not getting the most
out of life. Life is a gamble, sometimes it really pays off, other times you fall, but you never know if you are
a winner unless yu give it your best shot and really try.
Good luck I hope you sort this out soon :hugs:

[Inna]

Geeeee I will take the bait ;) Self doubt, is as familiar to me as tears running down my cheeks, liquid pain oozing from within for harm from without. As a thinking and reasoning young child of 7 I knew that I was different but look at this.....penis, I have argued to and with my self! Our identities have developed within thunderstorm of conflicting emotions, I didn't mean single but both of us.
I, from time to time, revisit this uneasy doubt, but as soon I think of going back to how it was ago, I quickly shake such dreaded feeling off and gladly embrace the new and true. I think that doubt is built into every human as a precautionary mechanism preventing from wrongful assumptions and to experience such is just a regular day in the life of a human being, perhaps slightly heightened by our gender identity pendulum.

[Steph.TS]

I can relate to the OP, I have the same doubts, I can't really explore my feminity yet as I live with my very conservative family. but if you are able and willing you could start doing the RLE, go out side as a woman shop as a woman etc... if this doesn't shake you and you still want to transition I'd think the chances are good that you would be happy as a woman. atleast that's part of the path of transitioning anyway if you are going down this path then that might be another step that is also a diagnostic tool to help confirm your femininity. I can only hope I have the strength to do this step as well. I hope you find the right path for yourself.

[DebbieL]

Part of the process of going through the transition is living as your desired gender full time for at least one full year.

The HRT is reversible to a point, but hopefully, by the time you have been on blockers and hormones and living full-time, you will be able to better decide whether you are ready, willing, and able to deal with all of the benefits and consequences of making the full-time switch and whether or not you want to go forward with SRS.

Self-doubt is natural, and you may have feelings both ways. You may have days when you just want to grow out your beard and wear your baggy clothes again (as a woman, you can wear comfy clothes when you want to). On other days, you can't imagine ever going back to drab again. At first, you may have trouble passing, but gradually, you will improve your skills and attract less and less attention. Which may take some of the "fun" out of it for you.

By the end of a full year, you will have a better sense of what your choices really are.

I knew I was transgendered by the time I was 6. Unfortunately, by the time I was able to get honest and get therapy for it, I was 35 years old, I had two kids, an ex-wife, child-support, day-care, and a high paying job.

During the therapy, I got to where I was doing all but work hours in "pretty" mode. My employer was OK with it, and had a good diversity program. My ex-wife however, was not so understanding. She would have had a friend from her church set it up so that if I transitioned, I could never see my kids again. The child support made it nearly impossible to save up the money needed for electrolysis, HRT, and the other cosmetic procedures. I could do the femme voice, but I sang bass, so passing was more difficult in longer conversations.

If the "Fairy Godmother" told me that she could grant me one wish, and I could have her turn me into a beautiful pretty young woman, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Especially knowing what I know now.

Unfortunately, there is no such magic spell (I've looked), and the transition is expensive, painful, and time-consuming. At one point, in order to transition I would have had to give up my job, my wife, my kids, my father, my grandfather, my church, and many of my friends.

If I had known at that time that I would lose or give up ALL of these things even though I did NOT go through the transition, I would have gone through with the transition. I wish I had been able to ask for, and get, the help I needed back in 1977 - when I was 21. I suspect that if I had, I would have completed the transition.

Unfortunately, at that time, in Colorado, public cross-dressing was still illegal.

[Hope]

How do you know?

*Shrug*

You do it. If it feels right, you keep doing it. If it feels wrong, you stop it. Easy as that... though, taking that first bite of the apple is scary as hell, and involves a lot of risk. I think we will all recognize that as being true.

Unfortunately there is no stick you can pee on to find out without giving it a try... But when I was at the stage you seem to be at, there was a simple fact that kept running through my head that was a big comfort - perhaps it will work for you too?

"Most guys don't think they might be women. Most guys don't even ask the question. The question doesn't even occur to them. Most guys who find themselves in a pretty dress don't think "Finally!" Most guys are insulted by being called "she." I am not one of those guys."

[Aprilrain]

So, I have a bit of a question for you all - how does one definitively confirm that one is indeed transsexual?

If you figure this out let me know

[Stephenie S]

This is something that you will KNOW. If you are having doubts, ease up a little, talk to your therapist.

Most who actually do transition do so because they HAVE to. Not because they WANT to. There is a HUGE difference.

I kinda feel that WANTING to be a girl is fairly common. I mean, like, who wouldn't? But KNOWING that you HAVE to transition? That's a bit different.

S

[Jorja]

Hi all. So, I have a bit of a question for you all - how does one definitively confirm that one is indeed transsexual?

Well first, you must spend a day here with Katesback, Melody, and a few of the rest of us. If that doesn't change your mind or scare the hell out of you, then you may indeed be a transsexual. (Sorry girls, I had to do it! :) )

[Frances]

So, I have a bit of a question for you all - how does one definitively confirm that one is indeed transsexual?

I just have to wonder... Is this the right way to go for me?

How on earth do you confirm such? How do you know that your femininity isn't just something you've constructed in your own mind?

How do you know the real you?

By doing it. By presenting as a woman and going out into the real world. By taking hormones and not freaking out because your penis is shrinking or not functioning well. By losing muscle mass and strengh while acquiring a softer skin and thinking that it is a good thing. By being perceived and treated as a woman (good and bad) and liking how it feels (the good and the bad, seriously. If sexism or loss of male privilege is unacceptable, go back.)

The whole idea of transition is confirming your gender. If it does not feel right, you may not be trans. On the other hand, if you are thinking that you may be trans, you probably are.

[Chickhe]

I would say...from a CDer point of view. There were days when I thought I could live as a woman and beleive it or not, the strongest feelings were when I was suppressing my desire to dress. Getting out and exploring and experiencing dressing answered a lot of questons. Mainly that I could go full time if I wanted to (with a lot of work), but I also realized that I am happy enough being who I am already and the dressing up is enjoyable, but not compelling enough to want it forever....it seems like a comfortable place to hide. Basically, I feel like I am on vacation when I dress. So, what you need to do is figure out, is being female what's going to make you happy or is it just an activity that makes you feel good? Some people say, you should do it if you can not stand being male...but I suspect there are some people who would be comforable either way. The drugs would allow you to experience more and feel female and you could stop and decide to go back, but they may cloud your judgement too.

[Rianna Humble]

You've been given a lot of good advice already, but one thing I haven't noticed anyone mention is that it is OK to have some self-doubt.

What you are planning to undertake is a very big step, it is natural to wonder whether you are doing the right thing.

As far as I am aware, there is no standard metric and no check-list where you can tick so many boxes and get a positive or a negative.

You have been working with your therapist so the two of you should be in agreement to take this forward, would you be able to discuss your uncertainty with her/him?

As others have mentioned, one of the aims of Hormone Therapy can be to see if this is right for you. Even after that, the Real Life Experience offers you another opportunity to confirm that this is really what is best for you.

I'm not advocating rushing into things blindly, but I don't think from what you wrote that this is what you were planning to do anyway.

[ameliabee]

Well... I have this deep feeling that transition is inevitable for me. If I don't do it now, I'll have to do it ten or twenty years down the line, or I'll go loony and off myself.

I don't feel like I have to at the moment, but I do feel like any step backwards is horrifying. So... If I move forward with anything, it's pretty permanent. Getting stuck in between is similarly horrifying, therefore, once I start, I have to finish. Starting HRT represents jumping down the slippery slope for me.

Self-doubt really flared up because I'm not out to my parents, and while I'm not wholly dependent on them, it's really nice that they're paying for my car and insurance. My mother is deeply in denial - she thinks it's 'just a phase'. Her words about not doing anything I might regret later kinda got to me though.

I mean, I pass pretty well as long as I avoid the LGBT community. No bit of going out has ever shaken me - never had a negative experience yet (unless you count a run in one's hose). I don't mind male privilege going away too much. I'm even okay with sexism to an extent (U.S. is okay, Saudi Arabia is out of the question). I don't mind men staring at me that way - they can't help it. I much prefer being seen as female to being seen as male.

As it is, I present as female when away from school and family, always. I'm more myself and am generally happier.

My therapist picked up on a good bit of self-doubt coming from me in the second session, but I quashed that discussion by suggesting that transitioning without some self-doubt would be insanity. I think she and I will have to explore that further.

Part of my problem is that I don't feel 'intense gender dysphoria'. I don't have problems with my body, aside from way too much hair. As my former roommate put it, I was obsessive about shaving. Maybe I still am. I never had a problem with being male, just a problem with the other 3 billion males who weren't behaving as females do and being treated like I was one of those guys.

I just really wish there was a checklist of sorts. It would make life so much easier. I mean, the COGIATI exists, as does the Bem Sex Role Inventory, but those seem about as reliable as a magic 8 ball.

[Melody Moore]

Hi again,

As you are aware self-doubt is quite normal and quite healthy just because you were not experiencing the intense
gender dysphoria you see others struggle with, it still doesn't suggest that you are not transsexual. There are quite
a few of us here that had very little to no gender dysphoria prior to transitioning which I think is a good thing really
because you will think more clearly with less chance of making radical impulsive decisions.

One thing I felt I had to be sure about before I transitioned was making sure my head was right, so I experienced a
lot of self-doubt right up until I actually started taking hormones. However within a week of being on medication I had
no doubts left in my mind that my decision was the right thing for me because I felt at peace about my gender issues.
And here I still am 14 months later and I haven't regretted a single moment of my own personal experiences with gender
transition. I generally find by following my heart and not being so questioning and challenging and not listening to stupid
little voices in my head has served me best of all. But having said that, just do what ever feels is best for you.

[Jorja]

Ding, ding, ding we have a winner!!!!

From your last post it sure sounds like you might be leaning toward transsexual. We all wish there was a check list we could look at and tick off what applies to what is happening to us and what we are feeling. The problem is no one could ever agree on what should be on the list. It would make the process so much easier. The level of gender dysphoria may come and go. Stronger at times and weaker at others. As mentioned earlier, transition and HRT is all about comfirming your gender. As I have put it in the past, the doubt is a good thing from time to time. It slaps you in the face and makes you look at reality and not lost in the pink fog. It makes you question yourself. Just as you are today. If you have the need to continue, you will. There is only one way to find out for sure. Start down the path and see where it takes you.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Amelia.


You just know. When you start HRT you will feel it. It will be either like opening the flood gates to something you always knew was or it will feel like an invading army within your system.

Stop thinking with your head and start listening to your heart then do what you have to do.

It really is that simple.


Julia

[Badtranny]

but I suspect there are some people who would be comfortable either way.

I'm not so sure about that.

We all have our own ways of dealing with body issues, but I don't know a single person who identifies as TS that is comfortable in their birth gendered body.

I can say without a doubt that if I didn't really mind being a dude, there's no way in hell I would be going through this.

[Frances]

I can say without a doubt that if I didn't really mind being a dude, there's no way in hell I would be going through this.

Me neither, and that may be the way to be sure about this. I tried to endure it for as long as a could, but grew tired of being a ghost.

[steph963]

The only one that can answer whether you should transition is you. If you feel it's right then go for it.

We all have self doubt at times but I might recommend talking with your therapist as she can get to the root of the issue and give you advice accordingly.

Most of all just be honest with yourself.

[Starling]

...I tried to endure it for as long as a could, but grew tired of being a ghost.

Yes that's it, exactly! And a ghost, furthermore, of someone not yet born. It's a chilling feeling that I'm not really there, paired with an intense yearning to be a solid something. The one thing I know is, that something isn't going to be male, ever. There's no hormone or surgery that could do that. I'm hoping that my gender therapy will help me focus on the solution, though, so I can gradually move from obsessing on the problem.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

wow so many good thoughts...

self doubt is natural and healthy.

don't be surprised by ups and downs in how you view yourself..you seem to have a very strong and positive internal dialogue, and it will serve you well..
some people (like me, and others here) end up getting overwhelmed and transition as a way to survive, a way to feel alive

if you don't feel that way, you have the option of planning and executing a transition the way you want to, on your terms!

in my experience most people that are not transsexual express their gender confusion in a different way.. (ie...I want to do this, i wish i had those...therefore i may be transsexual)

the way you expressed its the way that countless transsexuals have...(ie...i know i'm transsexual, but let me think of a million reasons why maybe i'm not!)

[docrobbysherry]

Remember, Konkbent, the ONLY certain things in life r death and taxes! And, if we elect another Republican president, I'm not so sure about the taxes!

Seriously, the ONLY way I've ever been certain about ANY big step in my life was by looking back. I'm was either HAPPY I made that certain choice, or NOT! The only humans that r completely certain about everything they do r usually the ones that make the biggest mistakes and mess up everything for everyone!

I'm NOT naming names, (think past presidents), I'm just sayin'-------------------.

[Kelsy]

Amelia,

Be ruthlessly honest with yourself and find support!! Surround yourself with those who will tell you the truth.
Without support the doubts can drag you down. Ultimately ,once the fog clears, you know if you are transsexual.
Live with dignity in every thing you do! you've been given a gift!!

Kelsy

[Melody Moore]

the way you expressed its the way that countless transsexuals have...(ie...i know i'm transsexual, but let me think of a million reasons why maybe i'm not!)
I also believe that fact & fantasy are the two very distinct separators between transsexuals & cross-dressers
who usually have transvestic fetishism. A transsexual will keep grabbing for any excuse they can find to use as
a reason to try and avoid the fact that they are a transition. Cross-dressers on the other hand seem more like
dreamers looking at the who transitional experience through rose coloured glasses. I was like Frances said here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?161704-SRS-questions&p=2624391&viewfull=1#post2624391)
if you get to the point where you are prepared to go through all of this then you probably are a transsexual.

[Michelle.M]

self doubt is natural and healthy.

Yup! I had self doubts living as a man, I have them (but fewer) as a woman. I have self doubt in my career, relationships and whether or not I want fries with that.

Question is - what do you do about it? Is your doubt a catalyst for exploration and growth or is it yet one more debilitating speed bump in your life? Do you learn anything or do you simply whirl around in life's spin cycle until something breaks or until you give up?

For me, I am OK with my self-doubt.

[Melody Moore]

Question is - what do you do about it? Is your doubt a catalyst for exploration and growth or is it yet one more debilitating speed bump in your life? Do you learn anything or do you simply whirl around in life's spin cycle until something breaks or until you give up?
While I don't speak for others here, I just got sick of dancing around the issue trying to avoid it, I did
everything I could to avoid transition but every excuse I found just wouldn't hold water. So in the end
I figured that the only thing I hadn't ever really tried was to accept that I was a transsexual, seek help,
get on hormone therapy and give it a try. What I have experienced so far is way beyond my comprehension
of how things were going to be prior to transition. So this is why I really have no regrets at all about my
decision. I know now without any doubt who I really am and I am no longer just a ghost to other people.

While it isn't the catalyst, I do think that that self-doubt is a valid reason to support
further exploration which actually contributes to your personal growth and development.

[erika130]

I had all the same doubts when it became possible for me to start HRT. So first off, you're obviously not the only one. Mostly because we see starting HRT as a huge decision, & it is don't get me wrong, but sometimes some of us also see it as if once we start, there's no going back. I won't go into specifics, but unless you're talking about 6 months or 1 year on hormones, its definitely possible to 'go back' if you realize its not the real you. Yes there are risks to consider, but Melody already made a good point about those.

Either way, you will notice the changes hormones bring soon enough, & like everyone else mentioned, you'll know how that makes you feel. More content with yourself or not. I agree with Melody's statement also about hormones

Anyways in my experience, I stopped worrying about those doubts when I realized & fully accepted this:


First of all, don't feel as though you have to fit neatly into one box with your gender identity. There are many
gender variants within the area of transsexualism alone. This is what the new SoC is trying to really point out
as well. We all traverse a continuum in a very broad spectrum of gender identities to find out where we fit in
and how we can be happy and quite often nowadays hormone therapy is also used to help us do that....

In support groups, etc, I've noticed more emphasis on this idea that even as TG/TS we shouldn't feel that we must fit perfectly into one gender identity or the other. But just find which identity makes us happy & accept that...


By doing it. By presenting as a woman and going out into the real world. By taking hormones and not freaking out because your penis is shrinking or not functioning well. By losing muscle mass and strengh while acquiring a softer skin and thinking that it is a good thing. By being perceived and treated as a woman (good and bad) and liking how it feels (the good and the bad, seriously. If sexism or loss of male privilege is unacceptable, go back.)

And this ^. There's nothing like the feeling you get when you do this & present this way to others & yourself. Personally, it was that feeling of inner peace, comfort with myself, that I was seeking, despite the challenges of transitioning.

[Sejd]

I would suggest that if you are in any doubt, then it is probably a good idea to give yourself some time to sort out your feelings about it. In other words, maybe slow down a bit. Forget the goal of 2012 and just be who you are. You look young. I am sure you will figure it all out as life goes by. Time will definitely be on your side.
hugs
Sejd

[Melody Moore]

Sedj, trans-folk will transition when they are ready and not before, I don't think that forgetting your
dreams or ambitions is any way to go forward, especially if your gender identity issues are that serious
whereby you CANNOT accept who you are. You might be happy living a double life because of your
personal issues or beliefs, but there are also many of us here that are not happy and at war within
ourselves. And from what I can see konkbent has already ticked all the boxes and meets the criteria
of being a transsexual and this was based around what she wanted, not what anyone else wanted.
I see any denial or repression of these gender issues as a steps backwards, not steps to go forward.

Konkbent, as it has been said many times already self-doubt is normal and it is healthy, however
just follow your heart and don't let anyone dissuade you from your dreams and reaching your goals.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

goal setting for transsexuals is gas on the depression/anxiety fire

remember that feeling like you are a "wrong" person is a recipe for all kinds of negative things especially low self esteem and shame... it would not surprise me if many of us doubt our own ability to make any good decision about anything...we undervalue ourselves...

so your challenge...and your responsibility to yourself is to separate out all the bullshit. and focus on what you can do to improve your quality of life..

if you doubt...make commitments you can keep...get electrolysis (This is the number one cure for doubt)... you don't have to transition to get it...
hrt is a great example of something that keeps the data coming in... the more you take it, the further you go....but you don't have to transition...
look at frances post....this is what i'm saying...time will pass, events will conspire and you won't have to do anything...your decision will become apparent to you!!

you are doing great

[chloe23]

I to had many doubts at the beginning of my transition. I suffered from shame, guilt, low self esteem and depression. My mood swings where terrible and i always worried about whether i would be able to pass. There where days i didn't even feel like leaving the house, but i had to force my self to do so. Other times i was about ready to give up crying to myself that i can't go on.

I knew i needed to stay focused on my journey if i would ever be able to achieve my goal to be a woman. As i got further along in my transition and started passing more and accepting my self as a woman did things get better. Today i can stand and look at my self naked in the mirror and know that i am a woman now :).

My self esteem is at a all time high and my quality of life has improved greatly

[Melody Moore]

goal setting for transsexuals is gas on the depression/anxiety fire

I think having goals is important, but the thing about setting goals that you must be prepared for
is planning. It is OK to have a plan, but be prepared to change it if you have to, This will also help
with self-doubt along the transitional road. I think we need to expect obstacles and hurdles to pop
up from time to time that will slow us down to having to take baby steps to negotiate our way
around them. Just be prepared for the changes that will come, especially to your emotions, but it
is important not to over-analysis everything and just accept it is part of transition. I get my blue
moments from time to time, but keeping myself occupied and surrounded by happy positive people
is the best way I found to avoid the blues, And when you have moments like this, you can always
come to a site like this and get some support with your issues. So never feel like you have to go
through this alone.