Is not enought to have a 100% supportive SO?? What a CD wants?? What a CD needs?

[gigi10]

When nearly all women marry a man they assume that man to be normal in the eyes of society.

When they find out thier man is not normal it becomes a lot more complicated and she starts to wonder if this is what she signed up for.

Add to it the fact that the following things happen very often.

1. the wife comes to realize that her cd husband is really a ts that has yet to come to grips with who they really are
2. the wife come to realize that the simple acceptance of finding out her husband is a cd is just the beginning of the hell she will face. Meaning that once the news is shed the cd all of a sudden goes all out with the cd activities and the wife is gets it shoveled down her throat without any choice in the matter.
3. the cd starts going out and having sex with whatever as a girl and the wife finds out.
4 the cd is seen as being untruthful even though he really is being truthful but he could not forsee the ever escalating desire he experiences.

Thats just a few of the issues that a wife faces and truthfully I dont blame them from packing thier bags and running. Better yet if she was just told from the beginning but then see #2.


I have been reading a lot of post, but this one shocked me a bit. I would like to ask to all the CD's If you have a SO which is 100% supportive, that she will stand by you. Would you risk all of that for an excitement? Do you need more than your SO is giving you? Do you need to have sex as a girl? Do you need to chat with others to get your adrenaline go? Or you need to flirt to feel your femme side? Is hard to believe that CD'd are going to do what this post mentioned.
I would like you opinion.
I know probably this post refers to a SO that doesn't know her husband is a CD in that case I would like both sides.
Thanks

[Karren H]

Firstly I consider Kate's posts and threads as pretty extreme and do not represent the majority view. At. The least not my view. Ever! If your in a relationship and your a "decent" human being then you should be putting your SO wants and needs up there equal to or more important than yours!! I do! But maybe that's just me.

Additionally Kate is not a CD and from what I've read has a very low opinion of CDs... A lot of TS's do.. Not all but many. More a superiority thing. Imho.

[RADER]

Karren; you are rite on, I love my wife very much. She loves me so much that she is
OK with my dressing with in boundary's, Witch I am OK with.
I would never do anything to lose her respect, or to hurt and embarrass her in any way.
Now I do not want to TS or TG, I would look very unusual as huge hairier woman, so my
wife has no worries in that respect. I just enjoy wearing pretty clothes from time to time;
And my wife helps me with chooses from time to time, as 90% of my clothes must come
off line for the sizes I require.
I believe that if your are committed to an other person, than it should be 100% all the time.
I guess I might be old fashion as far as today's standards are, but they work well for me, and
my supper sweet hart as I call her.
Rader

[Aprilrain]

Consider the source sweetie plus this example is one where someone thinks they are a CD at first but comes to realize they are TS. Perhaps this was Kate's experience : P

[kimdl93]

I'd agree that those are a pretty extreme range of alternative scenarios. These are NOT necessarily things that every CDr wants or needs. Still, sometimes it helps to define the extreme limits then draw back closer towards the mean. Most of us are really pretty normal. To quote George Harrison, "we're more normal than normal people."

But I was stuck by your use of the term 100% supportive spouse in the context of your question. A 100% supportive SO, would by my definition, be a person who a) entered knowingly and willingly into a relationship with a CDr, and b) is open to living with a partner who choses to express this as part of their day to day lives . That doesn't mean she (or he) would accept neglect, infidenlity, or being put second to CD activities - whatever they are. It may mean, depending on the individual and the situation, that the SO has consciously decided to support their partner as they explore and evolve together.

[desa ray]

Seriously, What kind of person would do that to someone they love? My girl is 100% support All the time and I am blessed to have it. I feel I am a true CD. No question of am I this or could I be that. I know who I am and so does my S/O. I came out to her in the beginning and have resolved all the internal confusion years ago. So my answer is a resounding HELL NO! I would rather drink bleach than cause her a moment of pain.
Desa.

[giuseppina]

Hello Gigi,

I agree with Karren. Kate's post reflects Kate's view, and not mine, and probably not the majority of us, who have no desire for any kind of permanent body modification other than perhaps a few piercings.

To me, marriage vows are about trust. If one partner wants to go beyond what they call for, it is up to that partner to open a discussion.

My idea of a 100% supportive spouse is one who willingly entered a marriage with fully informed consent. This isn't something to be dropped on the (usually) bride ten minutes before the couple make their vows. It IS something that has to be discussed thoroughly well in advance of the wedding, with or without a qualified and non-judgemental counsellor as required. The discussion should be opened no later than the engagement, but ideally when an emotional bond starts to form between the two parties.

Only Kate can answer for her views and opinions.

[gigi10]

One thing, English is not my first language, so please forgive me for any wrong grammar. Did I understand correctly? are you thinking that my CD is doing that?(English problem) My CD and I we have a very nice an amazing relationship, I am by her side 101%, We are exclusive and very committed couple, we are going to be 7 years together this November! (ooops I corrected - my brain is divided by half female half male- I can't remember importand dates..sorry) I Actually I felt in love when I saw her in femme mode six month ago, I am very proud of her, we go out a lot, I gave her the strength to do that. When she is Duana she smiles a lot, she is very happy and I feel very happy to see her happy. I have the best of both worlds.... She can be 24/7 in femme and I Love it.
My post was because what I read in that threat. I couldn't believe that a CD can be that way. As I said before I read quite a bit about CD's also in this forum, which I see some happy, some not, some with supportive SO and some don't have it. I am new in this forum and also in the CDing world, which I respect and I love it.

[michelle64]

post like this rile me up...i have been with my SO for years..i told her the first date..been happy ever since..99% of blame is on the cd..they do it to themsleves and they deserve what they get..i know many women who would be very happy with a kind, caring guy irregardless of the Cd thing

[sissystephanie]

My late wife was 100% supportive of my crossdressing from the day we married. I had told her that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me "as is!"
The main reason was that I have never had any idea of being a woman! I just like to wear their clothes. She knew this, and knew that I was always her MAN no matter what I had on!! We had almost 50 years together!!

[kimdl93]

My post was because what I read in that threat. I couldn't believe that a CD can be that way. As I said before I read quite a bit about CD's also in this forum, which I see some happy, some not, some with supportive SO and some don't have it. I am new in this forum and also in the CDing world, which I respect and I love it.

I welcome you, apprecaite your post and understand what you were getting at. Honestly, as your relationship with Duana illustrates, there are plenty of really good relationships among CDrs and their SOs. Because of the nature of this forum, you'll read a lot of opinions, each one valid in the individuals experience, but there are a broad range of expereinces. The fact is that even supportive spouses vary in degree and kind...just like in real life ;)

[Kittyagain]

One thing, English is not my first language, so please forgive me for any wrong grammar. Did I understand correctly? are you thinking that my CD is doing that?(English problem) My CD and I we have a very nice an amazing relationship, I am by her side 101%, We are exclusive and very committed couple, we are going to be 7 years together this December! Actually I felt in love when I saw her in femme mode six month ago, I am very proud of her, we go out a lot, I gave her the strength to do that. When she is Duana she smiles a lot, she is very happy and I feel very happy to see her happy. I have the best of both worlds.... She can be 24/7 in femme and I Love it.
My post was because what I read in that threat. I couldn't believe that a CD can be that way. As I said before I read quite a bit about CD's also in this forum, which I see some happy, some not, some with supportive SO and some don't have it. I am new in this forum and also in the CDing world, which I respect and I love it.

Your post is very easy to understand. It was clear that you were surprised by Kates post and wondered if anyone else felt like Kates which we do not.

I am so glad you and your SO are enjoying life together.

Kitty

[gigi10]

Desa ray, I am so happy for you, because I am experiencing this happiness with my CD, I don't think she will drink bleach! (perhaps bourbon) She makes me happy.

I supposed I was misled by so many unhappy post.

Kittyagain,
I feel blessed that I found such a happiness,

Amazing! She will always be with you, I know, she was very happy with you.

I agree. One thing that my Cd does for me, now she can understand better why I like shoes lots of them! in so many ways she can feel like I do feel which a guy can not.
We always check our makeup, our lipstick!!! is so much fun, we always had deep conversations, but now we can have with other perspective. Now she knows how difficult is to be a woman, specially in bars, guys just come to you without your permission..... too many jerks.

[joandher]

QUOTE ( When nearly all women marry a man they assume that man to be normal in the eyes of society. )

I am still trying to find out, what is normal on this earth today. if we are are not all the same height or build ,have the same color hair, drive the same cars ,watch the same programs on T,V like the same foods ,etc, etc, etc.,

To me we are all different,in the way we dress ,eat ,holidays ,single , married, fat ,thin,different beliefs,the list goes on and on
and we all like different things in life

I know a man who likes messing about with steam trains and dresses in the train drivers attire,i also know a man and a woman who like fire engines and dress as fire people they have their own fire truck,.

SO WHICH ONE OF US IS NORMAL ????

Hugs

J-JAY

[Dami]

I have been reading a lot of post, but this one shocked me a bit. I would like to ask to all the CD's If you have a SO which is 100% supportive, that she will stand by you. Would you risk all of that for an excitement? Do you need more than your SO is giving you? Do you need to have sex as a girl? Do you need to chat with others to get your adrenaline go? Or you need to flirt to feel your femme side? Is hard to believe that CD'd are going to do what this post mentioned.
I would like you opinion.
I know probably this post refers to a SO that doesn't know her husband is a CD in that case I would like both sides.
Thanks
My SO is supportive, but like most SO's who find out the one they married likes to CD, she is supportive to a point.
When my desire to CD finally came to a point where we had to discuss it, she was understandably shaken. She asked me many many times if I wanted to become a woman, if I was interested in have relations with men, if I was still in love with her, she wanted to know if it was a sexual thing, she wondered if I was going to dress up when she wasn;t at home and pleasure myself. I had a lot of questions to answer, and a lot of things I had to reasurre her of.
Luckily for me I have a highly educated and intelligent woman who for some weird reason loves me enough to accept me, I definetly married UP!
My SO is supportive, she does my makeup, helps me shop for clothes, accessories and makeup and she enjoys spending time with me wether or not I am dressed en femme.

Dami

[Sophie86]

Kate's post does not describe my experience with my wife. While I'm sure that the things she described sometimes happen, I doubt they happen very often.

[gigi10]

QUOTE ( When nearly all women marry a man they assume that man to be normal in the eyes of society. )

I am still trying to find out, what is normal on this earth today. if we are are not all the same height or build ,have the same color hair, drive the same cars ,watch the same programs on T,V like the same foods ,etc, etc, etc.,

To me we are all different,in the way we dress ,eat ,holidays ,single , married, fat ,thin,different beliefs,the list goes on and on
and we all like different things in life

I know a man who likes messing about with steam trains and dresses in the train drivers attire,i also know a man and a woman who like fire engines and dress as fire people they have their own fire truck,.

SO WHICH ONE OF US IS NORMAL ????

Hugs

J-JAY

I think we all are normal, all depends who define what is normal. Many women they prepared every morning her husband's lunch box (well some) that is normal. I, every morning I say to Duana, "darling what would you like to wear today? and I prepare her bag with clothes, shoes, makeup, bra, breast form etc etc... Every morning so she can come home dress up! I love to do that, for me that is normal for others is a sandwich and chips!


Gigi we understand your post. We are commenting on the post you quoted.

Uffff Thanks....Merci


I welcome you, apprecaite your post and understand what you were getting at. Honestly, as your relationship with Duana illustrates, there are plenty of really good relationships among CDrs and their SOs. Because of the nature of this forum, you'll read a lot of opinions, each one valid in the individuals experience, but there are a broad range of expereinces. The fact is that even supportive spouses vary in degree and kind...just like in real life ;)

I agree. My life is as real as the polenta I am cooking! ahhhh something is burning!! Noooooooo

[*Vanessa*]

Hi gigi

Great question and as you can see a good variety of answers, some good.

I had almost 3 decades of life with a spouse that gave me 100% support for as a crossdresser. The other questions you are presenting should be considered attributes that are attached to the person (the answer assumes the question). Shades of grey is the key to all relationships. It is the persons integrity that is at question here, regardless of the 'hobby' (e.i. straight CDer). These are personal question that only your SO (significant other) and you can answer, you need to write the rule book for your relationship. It may break, sure, but, this is the place to start.

[CheyenneNicky]

I know that when i am with someone if they support me i dont need anything more;.... i think that is a big bunch of bul

[desa ray]

My apologies Gigi, I was talking about the post you quoted and was a little frazzled by it. You do seem to be concerned though so I will try to reinforce what you already seem to know. most CDs are actually more stable than so called normal people, we are more balanced and at one with ourselves because we deal with our "issues" (for lack of a better word) instead of suppressing them. Your CD is very lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive partner.
Desa

P.S don't ever stop calling her your CD, that is SOOOOO CUTE!! :awe:

[Rianna Humble]

Firstly I consider Kate's posts and threads as pretty extreme and do not represent the majority view.
...Kate is not a CD and from what I've read has a very low opinion of CDs... A lot of TS's do.. Not all but many. More a superiority thing. Imho.

Kate has a problem with anyone who is not Kate - especially TS's and CD's in that order.


That post you quoted is the sort of bile CDs get harrangued with on this forum by a very unhappy GG who not only has a CD to contend with, but a complete asshole who gives us all a bad name.

Worst of it is, this is coming from a hater who does not even have that excuse

[rebecca.cross2]

Can "katesback" be any more stereotypical? Honestly? What a bunch of garbage! I am offended from that post, as I hope others are as well. All CD's are TS in denial? I think not! All CD's fantisize about being with a man when they are "en femme"? I think not! I am sure there are quite a few that do, but putting everyone into one group is offensive. I am not saying there is anything wrong with the ones that do. I am saying that what "katesback" said is no different than saying "all lesbians are butch" or "all gay guys are feminine". It is simply not true. There are far more colors to the raindow that just blue and red.

[Aprilrain]

. There are far more colors to the raindow that just blue and red.

Kate only sees red.......................

[rebecca.cross2]

I just wanted to say that "katesback" is not -completely- off track. I do recognize that there are CD's that are , needless to say, "confused" with who/what they are and often they drag their wife/so into the 3rd level of hell with emotional distress and pain. We are not all a**hol*s, and there are quite a few of us that are good guys that just happen to have a habit that is a bit unorthodox.
I do not have anhy statistics on this, nor I doubt anyone does, but I am sure the 10% rule would be applicable. The main problem is that there are many TS that first think they are a CD, but then after soul searching find out they are a TS and not a CD. Then people look at it as a guy going from being a guy, to being a CD, to being a TS and tie in the false belief that it is escalation, when it is merely someone that did not ask themself the tough questions early enough.
There are man different types of CD's out there.

[DebbieL]

There are some legitimate points in Katesback's post.

MOST women want a "normal" man. Many CDs and TGs try to look and act like a normal man, and often do a very good job at keeping their secret. Such a good job in fact, that they often drive away anyone who might have supported them, and attract those who are least likely to support them.

I think the natural thinking of women is the reverse of what Katesback listed.

Usually the FIRST reaction is "How could you lie to me like that, can I trust ANYTHING about you?".
Then comes "Are you gay? Are you having an affair? Since I can't trust you, how can I believe that you are NOT having an affair".
Then comes "Do you want to be a woman? Do you want a sex change? Do you want a divorce? Are you going to leave me?".

Then often months or even YEARS later, the thinking shifts to "Maybe this isn't so terrible after all".

In my case, I couldn't pass as a "Man". I always looked and acted effeminate. In fact, I majored in theater, and had to learn how to act like a man well enough to "Pass" for my role as Caiaphas in J.C. Superstar (hated being a bass).

The irony was that because I was effeminate, I attracted two groups of people. Men who were attracted to effeminate boys or men, and women who were attracted to effeminate boys or men.

Ironically, I often rejected or didn't recognize when women who wanted a more effeminate man were trying to let me know they were interested. Part of the problem was that I was treating them as people, friends, and with respect. This is what attracted them, but it also gave them the impression that I wasn't interested.

Gigi asks some good questions too.
HOW do CDs, TGs, and TSs experience and express their femme identity?

For many, initial explorations into feminine clothing, especially Lingerie, is experienced as sexually stimulating.
For a male in western culture, fine fabrics that are sensual and aesthetic is an unusual experience.

Many men develop a fetish for particular items, shoes, stockings, panties, or bras. Some are only attractedd to specific items and specific styles.

Others CD only for sexual pleasure, quickly satisfied, they return to their normal male lives.

Most of the people who come to this board have more at stake. They have gone beyond pleasure dressing to actually want to enjoy being a pretty girl. They may not be as pretty as they would like to be, but they are pretty enough to please themselves.

For a smaller set, there is a genuine desire to BE women. Many of these started dressing when they were very young and regularly associated with girls as playmates, close personal friends, and a preferred associates. This close association has given them insights into the thinking of women, and they have chosen the feminine strategies over the masculine strategies.

But even for these, there is desire, and practical issues. For a male to become female, there is a great deal of pain, expense, and time involved. There are also many personal relationships and for many, spiritual or religious beliefs which come into play.

For those who finally do choose to begin the transition, it's not an easy road. They can lose jobs, family, friends, parents, grandparents, wives, and children. They may have to leave their church and other spiritual and social support networks. They may also have to relocate, giving up almost everything they have known and loved. And even after all of this, they may still struggle with not feeling "woman enough" or having to protect the secret that they were once men.

Often, true transexuals will struggle for years, even decades, torn between the safe comfortable world of being a man, and the possibility of being the woman they have always wanted to be.

To make the transition, MtF transsexuals have to go through electrolysis of the face, hair management of legs and arms, and they have to live at least 1 year full time, 24/7 as a woman before they can be considered ready for sex reassignment surgery (SRS). Normally, therapists will recommend Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) once the candidate is living as a woman 24/7 for at least a few months.

On the flip side, many transsexuals can be traumatized by things that would make most men happy. During puberty, boys start growing facial hair, leg and arm hair becomes darker and thicker, and the voice changes. To a transsexual, this is worse than a death sentence. The prospect of being forced to live 50, 60, or even 70 years in a body they hate, living a lifestyle they never embraced, and pretending to be something they didn't want to be, and pretending NOT to be what they so desperately want to be, can be a fate worse than death. Many transsexuals end up committing suicide in their teens.

Often, their femininity is misinterpreted as homosexuality. More correctly, wanting to have sex with men as a man. Ironically, most transsexuals initially start out having lesbian fantasies. They fantasize making love to a woman as a woman, and/or being seduced by a woman as a woman.

Ironically, the feminine traits are often mocked when these transgendered or transsexual people are very young. In elementary school, they may be called "Sissy". They are often physically abused by the other boys, including other boys who don't want to be identified as sissies themselves. In Middle School or Junior High, the violence can become more dramatic. Ironically, this tends to make transgendered boys even further repulsed by everything male. They may conform to avoid the violence, but they have no desire to be a man, and especially have no desire to have sex with men.

As for supporting wives, any spousal support is better than no support. But even the most loving, adoring, and generous wife might have little impact on the TGs desire to be feminine and pretty. It's not that they don't love you. It's that they have been conditioned to think that a skirt, heels, hose, and a bust are beautiful - and anything else isn't.

For the spouse of a TG it's very hard to describe a similar experience. It would probably be like being told that you were ONLY allowed to dress in the clothing you liked least. Perhaps that would be very short skirt, very low cut blouse, 5 inch heels, and black pantyhose ALL day, EVERY day, for the rest of your life. Furthermore, if you EVER went out in public NOT dressed this way, women who were dressed this way would hurt you physically, cutting your skin, leaving bruises everywhere they couldn't be seen, and all of this under the direct supervision of teachers, pastors, athletic coaches, and other trusted adults.

In fact, if you as a woman, feel that you have the right to insist that you husband ALWAYS dress as a man, then you should ALWAYS dress exactly the way your husband wants you to dress - the way he would like to be dressed. 5 inch heels, very short skirts, and low-cut blouses every day. Or, if you LIKE dressing up, then you have to wear ONLY Baggy black sweat-pants and baggy black sweatshirts and the ugliest shoes you could possibly find - EVERY DAY for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

For so many TGs, all that may be needed is a wife who is willing and able to enjoy letting her husband get dressed for an hour or so, having mutually satisfying sex, and then letting him go back to being a man. Just giving him a chance to do what he enjoys most who he would like to be - even if only for an hour, once or twice a week.

[Tina B.]

Karren is right, if you go back and look at many of Kate's threads, she has an opinion of CD's that is not held by most CD's. I've been married for 40 years, told my wife about being a CD five years after we got married, I'm older fatter, and balder, than back then, but I'm still madly in love with my wife, who says the same thing about me, and I've never cheated, or thought about cheating on her in 40 years. And after 60 years of cross dressing, I still like being a man and husband, I just happen to spend part of my time in a dress, not a big deal around here. So that maybe Kate's back story, but it's not mine, or that of a lot of us here that have been married for years and years.
Tina B.

[jillleanne]

The question refers to crossdressers and the material relates to transexuals. Having said that, in my case, my gender enhancement has nothing to do with wanting to go out and have sex with someone else. Yes, I have sex with my s/o either in drab or en femme, it matters not with us. I'm sure there are instances whereby a gender enhanced person does act in a way that ignores the sensitivity of the situation and regards for the s/o is ignored, but one does not need to be gender enhanced to cheat on their spouse, lie to their spouse, or show disrespect to their spouse just because they are gender enhanced? It happens daily in someones lives in a relationship where someone is not happy. A radical post by Kate at best; was she having a bad day that day I wonder?