SO's that's feeling alone...

[Erica Thorn]

Was trying to figure out a good title for the post and that's the best I could think of!

Last night we was talking in the car while driving to get my SO's brother and it felt really good since neither of us have had the time lately to discuss the recent events this summer etc.

One thing that came up was that she was feeling a bit alone, not in a general sence but more that she missed having someone to talk to IRL about it... I'm closeted btw and no one else knows besides my SO... well she did mention it to her brother and mom about 4-5 years ago when we had our first argument about it but they havn't said a word about it and doesn't seem to care, or they just simply forgot about it :D

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit terrible stopping her from talking to her friends about it since I want her to feel comfortable, I'm just a bit to scared I guess!

Now I don't want this post to turn into some discussion about closeted vs. non-closeted, we've had enough of that earlier. I just wanted to see how everyone else has solved it?

hmm, ramblings... hope you understand some of it atleast! :hugs:

[Joanne f]

I am sure that the ones that do have some difficulty with it do find themselves feeling very alone with it as they not only have to worry about how it will affect the relationship but also worry about how others will treat or react to themselves for being with a cross dresser , they are in a sense the innocent party in all of this yet it can affect them the most so it can be a difficult situation to ether share it with someone and take the risk or keeping the burden within yourself .

[ReineD]

I just wanted to see how everyone else has solved it?

I think it's very nice that you're concerned about your wife's comfort levels. :hugs:

Why don't you suggest she join this site? We have wives who are members, and they all hang out in a private Female-At-Birth section. Sometimes they come on this side of the forum and contribute to some of the threads.

Your wife could talk to any of us about the CDing, if she wants to. She would need to join under her own User ID, and then click on the link below my signature for admittance into FAB. She would have to post 10 times first though, since this is the minimum requirement for membership into any of the private sections.

[HayleyGG]

I wholeheartedly think that she should join this site. I don't know if you saw the thread I started "Just found out yesterday, please help me understand," but I literally just found out about my boyfriend's dressing only a few weeks ago and found out rather unfavorably. I felt like your girl must, and there was absolutely NO way that I was going to disrespect my boyfriend or completely embarrass him by talking to anyone we know about it, and I did feel incredibly alone. On top of that, he was mortified that I found out, and sort of went into a shell, so I couldn't even talk to him about it. It was an incredibly hard spot to be in because I love him and refused to "let his secret out," so in my research, I stumbled across this amazing site. I was absolutely shocked by how well I was received by everyone, how much advice I got, and how much everyone cared and embraced me. I think I've come across some of the sweetest people I've ever met here, and I wouldn't have been able to get through it without them. So, I definitely say that she needs to join the site, talk to everyone, and after 10 posts, talk to the other SOs about how she's feeling. I'm sure she'll find that she, in fact, is anything but alone. Still, no one in our real lives knows about his dressing, but I feel like I have a home here and I can ask you ladies anything and get real, experienced, genuine feedback. Good luck, and thank you for caring about how she's feeling!!!

[Kittyagain]

Alone? It should be just the opposite. You should not only be her boyfriend but her girl friend too. Go shopping together. Even though you go in your male clothes, you both will have a great time.

Make sure too that your dressing isn't controlling your social life. Go out with your SO in your male clothes.

Get going girl, the ball is in your court.

Kitty

[Karren H]

Imho... When you tell her about your hobby... You pull her into a closet and burden her with your secret!! Which she can't tell anyone. Which as everyone in ne knows is a very lonely plce to be!

[Erica Thorn]

Thanks for the answers, I simply forgot to mention that she is a member already and been active to (suziecue) so she already have everyone here to talk to... Hmm... Just think she means someone more "real", now I don't mean that youre all not real in any way :D but maybe someone in the same timezone or something like that.

@Kitty
Yeah we're on the way there, we have surely come closer to eachother the last few months but it's more like karren is saying, the closet is right now inhabited by 2 people who already share everything but sometimes it might feel good to talk to someone else IRL to with Ã* coffee or something ;)

My SO means the world to me and I know that it can be tough sometimes to live with me, since she is doing so much for me I want to be as supportive for her to.
I'm almost getting angry with myself for not "allowing" her to talk with someone Else, if she trusts someone enough to tell them why wouldn't I do the same... I just dont have the balls (pun intended) to let someone Else know for some reason!

[Kate T]

Not quite in the same situation but I would say that if my SO was to tell or talk to someone else about it then I would like it to be a mutual close friendi.e. not one of "her" friends but someone who is a good friend of us both as individuals and as a couple.

[jillleanne]

Esmeralda, please do not take this as negative critisism or mean, but, your s/o has every right to speak to anyone she wishes about this, it's not your call hon and you have no right to try to deny her that right. When you outed yourself to her( which was the right thing to do), you basically said, here's who I am, either you can accept me or reject me. You didn't tell her because you needed someone to hide in the closet with you, now did you? Now, having said that, it's important you also ensure she knows she has your full support and at any time she has a question or wants to discuss this with you, you will be there for her. As well, offer to provide her with all the resources possible. Ask her if she would be willing to join a local Tri-Ess or like group in the area where you can both spend time with like people on a monthly basis. If she needs to discuss this with her other friends, she should do so. There are ways she can do this without outing you( out of respect, not because she has to) and still get the results she seeks. You must remember, when you initially told her about your gender enhancements, you accepted the possibility at that moment, that you could be outed by her some time in the future, particularly if you two ever broke up. Reverse the situation and ask yourself, what would you do, honestly?

[suchacutie]

We may be in a slightly different situation, but with us Tina is a joint project. We talk about Tina all the time and, if anything, it has enhanced our communication. Since I don't know your details it's hard to comment specifically, but I agree that looking at the situation from her perspective can be very helpful, including making her a part of all of your gender decision-making.

tina

[Sara Jessica]

The situation you describe is probably not all that unusual.

First of all, for your SO to be a a participant here, that is a huge step.

However, I can totally relate to what you are describing because it's pretty much the same situation when it comes to my wife. Disclosure came prior to marriage with further confession regarding the depth of this whole thing following roughly 15 years later. Though this entire time, she chooses to "suffer in silence". While I have moved on when it comes to self-acceptance, often with the help of friends (IRL and in pages such as this), she has no one. Granted this is her choice but I'm guessing it's not such an unusual one.

Yes, as has been mentioned, our SO's can choose to tell whoever they please. I've even offered to help her with selective disclosure to a friend of hers which would give her someone to talk to. So far, she hasn't chosen to do so.

The title you picked for this thread is so apt, nicely done as your writing does touch upon a very important consideration when it comes to relationships.

[Tina B.]

She needs what she needs, maybe she could find a friend to talk to that you are not that close to, and don't see that much of, and someone that is not connected to family, or job. You have her to talk to, and now she needs some one. Even therapist generally have a therapist that they can talk to. Once you tell anyone, wife included, you no longer have total control of who talks about it, to who, so find a way to support your wife.
Tina B.

[Erica Thorn]

There, finally back at the computer and not on a ipad... this forum really needs a mobile adaption to tapatalk or something like that :D

Thanks again for all the nice replies, I just wanted to clarify some things that has come up here. I havn't forbid her to speak to anyone, not in any other way then telling her that I'm not feeling ready to show Esme to anyone else right now, and that's based on my own fears how people will react.
The reason for her not talking to anyone is a mutual respect (I hope) between us and she don't want me to feel uncomfortable around anyone she might tell. But ofc. that can't stop her from wanting someone to talk to and that's why I feel like a mental prison guard ;)



We may be in a slightly different situation, but with us Tina is a joint project. We talk about Tina all the time and, if anything, it has enhanced our communication.

Thanks Tina, we're kind of in the same spot, she helps me select wigs and buy clothes etc so we're pretty much enjoying it together most of the time. Isn't it lovely to have a supportive SO :D


She needs what she needs, maybe she could find a friend to talk to that you are not that close to, and don't see that much of, and someone that is not connected to family, or job. You have her to talk to, and now she needs some one.
Yeah, that might be the best solution actually, I know that if she does decide to talk to someone outside our cozy walk in closet it will be someone she trusts not to spread it further, hopefully it's someone as openminded as we are!
I think you hit the center of the issue there... I get to talk to her about what I feel about CD'ing, what it does to me and all that... and it's only fair if she gets someone to talk to when she thinks I'm occupying the bathroom to much or buying yet another pair of shoes :heehee:

I guess we'll just have to wait and see if anyone suitable shows up!