Has Anyone had a bad experience when "Found Out"

[LRoberts]

When my wife found my Lisa clothes, all hell broke loose. Has anyone had a simular experience? That was 15 years ago and I'm still dealing.

[jennCD]

Well, I can't say that all hell broke loose for me but my wife did take time to question if I was still the person that she fell in love with, and even if I was that same person, was she able to accept this knowledge and keep it from affecting our relationship.

Luckily, no furniture was damaged in the process and the only caveat was that I realized that she could not handle the idea after a while so back went Jenn into the void of the 'not discussed' box... and life slipped back into the normal-for-us realm.

:)
jenn

[thechic]

Hell broke loose,10 years ago she though id been having an affear when she found some of my stuff i told her it was my stuff,time has healed most problems

[t-girlxsophie]

My first wife,found my stash and tore it to shreds,a regular event in our 10 yr marriage.not my proudest achievment.A mistake I vowed never to make again honesty has been the best policy

Sophie

[Stephanie47]

I think every cross dresser has endured at a bare minimum some serious questions from their wife (wives) and SO's. I went through some serious times with my wife before we entered the traditional "don't ask/don't tell" relationship. As to my wife's dislike of cross dressing and the old age issue of honesty and concealing the cross dressing desires, I reassured her cross dressing has nothing to do with her self worth and the cross dressing had preceded my relationship with her, although I had not engaged in cross dressing for many years prior to meeting her.

With reference to the honesty issue, I told her I now consider the disservice I made to myself by putting myself through years, if not decades, of self denial. I told her I was not true to myself, and, if she wanted to end our marriage that was fine with me. Frankly, I was tired of hiding myself from myself. I truly understand the anguish the lesbians and gays I know, who have suffered the same rejection I felt.

When I discuss the issue of give and take in a spousal relationship, I indicate the scale of justice is out of balance and weighs heavily in her half. When a person is stripped of his or her total identity in a relationship, it is not worth keeping.

[Karren H]

Better question would be. "has anyone not had a bad time?". Lol.

I don't have the link to my outing handy but its say there was a lot of screaming and crying and carrying on.... She was pretty upset too!

[lmildcd]

I've only told two people about my crossdressing and they were ok with it. There is a yahoo group that I belong to that knows and there fine with it. As for being found out, I'll guess I'll have to wait and see if and when it happens.

[Sophie86]

Better question would be. "has anyone not had a bad time?". Lol.

I've never been "found out." When I came out to my wife, it was very close to being a non-event. She never had any discomfort until a couple of years ago when I came off a long dry spell and decided that I wanted to take it to a new level--doing full dress ups, going out, etc. Even then there was no fussin' and fightin', just discussin' and negotiatin'.

I suppose if she had found out on her own, it might have been different.


I don't have the link to my outing handy but its say there was a lot of screaming and crying and carrying on.... She was pretty upset too!

lol. You so funny. :heehee:

[RachelPortugal]

Would you expect not to have a bad experience when "found out" rather than telling your wife first, after which you may also end up having a bad experience or not, as in Sophie's case.

Let's put the boot on the other foot. How would you react if after 15 years together with your wife, an 18 year old shows up at your door claiming to be your wife's child, one that she gave up for adoption before she met you and that she chose to keep secret from you. Deception is a cruel thing to have to suffer!

[Phoebe]

Yes ex-wife actually caught me in one of her dresses, panties and bra when she came home early from work one night. Wasn't a very pleasant experience. She called me all kinds of names, told me to sleep on the couch from that night forward. Then a few days later she said I needed to become a born again Christian to cleanse myself of 'sins'. Told her she was taking it to seriously. She insisted on the born again Christian conversion. I refused to convert and a few months later moved out and into my own apartment. Six months later she filed for divorce.

[Sandra]

When my wife found my Lisa clothes, all hell broke loose. Has anyone had a simular experience? That was 15 years ago and I'm still dealing.

Well I think I would have given Nigella hell if I had found womens clothes. What have you done to try and sort this out with your wife? Have you sat and talked to her about it all, or do you expect her to be all ok with it and take it in her stride?

[VioletJourney]

Wow. 15 years of damage... if it wasn't so heavily stigmatized your wife would probably seem insane, to do so much over some fabric in your closet.

[NicoleScott]

Just divorce. Nothing serious.

[StaceyJane]

My wife found out but didn't tell me she knew. She didn't react well to it but wouldn't tell me she knew. finally my daughter told me that I had been found out. It took some time but eventually we worked things out.

[Jennifer H]

When my wife found me wearing a pair of panties she also went ballistic,I tried to talk to her and explain that it was not a slur on her sexuality and I was not any less of a man because of it but she would neither listen or accept it.
This was over 20 years ago and she still brings it up every time we have an argument!! xxx Jenny.

[Stefanie_Adams]

My wife found out 13 years in to our marriage of 34 as of now. Wasn't happy at all to say the least and we talked and talked and talked some more. I feel each relationship is different so your outcome may be completely different than ours. She rarely asks and I don't tell unless she does. I don't push the issue with her either even thought I stay as androgynous as possible. We do love each other and we still have our bad times but she has come to accept me even though at this time she has never seen me dressed. Though she has thought about it from time to time. She doesn't even know what I call myself. I wish you all the best regardless of what happens. it is not the end of the world but it may be tough.
Hugs
Stefanie

[Kaz]

Here we go again!... The OP is not looking for a beating up for not doing a 'show and tell' before things got serious but rather a sharing of experiences from those of us who have to deal with what this is about! It is so easy to say... I'd have started from a different place... we are where we are...

And there are limits to sanctimoniousness....

Yeah... I got hell too... and it still isn't right, though over time she has accepted that I need to do it... what she wants in return is her 'own life' or should I say 'space'... we are finding our way, but remain a close couple... happy to take a PM to avoid the 'Spanish Inquisition'...

Sorry the edits were aimed at a few of the earlier posts... they got my goat!

[PretzelGirl]

There are some of us that got zero negative feedback and had our wives right along our side the whole way. There are way too many variables, so it isn't an easy thing to predict. But you can do things that tip the scales in your favor.

[LRoberts]

I have tried several times to express how I felt. That I hadn't lost my feelings for her. Trying to start a two-way conversation about it. She immediately started the blame game. All the things that I had ever done to her, 20 years before. I have always been faithful to her. In other words, she turned completely off.
At first, I was having such a hard time dealing with it. I felt guilty that I was abnormal, something was wrong with me that I had to fix it. I certainly at the time didn't want to tell my wife that I was a guy that likes to dress in women's clothes. It for me was a long time for me to accept myself, that this was a part of me and it gave me enjoyment that I had not experienced before. Now I feel good about myself. I feel comfortable with being Lisa, not perverted. However, my wife will not talk about it. In fact the last three months, she doesn't talk at ALL. Has anyone experienced this. Do I kid myself that it will get better.

I promise not to "whine anymore" thanks girls. Lisa

[suit]

whats your definition of marriage?
ask her what is hers
"no one so blind as those that will not see".....AS I bang into things with my Cain

[JenniferR771]

Oh yeah! There was a good bit of profanity when wife came home, and I was wearing her clothes. 10 years later,things are still tense at times, as she likes to be in charge. Tiny bit of acceptance. She thinks I have too many dresses. And too many shoes. Only about 15 of each.

[AnitaH]

In my introduction in the new members forum I explained that I told my, then future wife, about my cross-dressing about the 2nd or 3rd date but it was understood that I would be quitting. Some time ago she found my stash and to say the least was a tad upset. Between the dressing and a couple of other things she insisted that if we were to stay married I would get conciling. Just recently after several years of said conciling I realize that this is a part of who I am and I cannot continue to completely suppress who I am. She has taken that information rather well and at least she is attempting to deal with it and is somewhat supportive. We are continuing to work though it.

As has been said before I find honesty to be the best policy.

AnitaH

[Michelle.M]

That was 15 years ago and I'm still dealing.

15 years and it's still an issue? I suspect that your gender expression may not be the real problem, and whatever the problem is it's probably hers.

My ex used to hold issues over my head for years (my gender expression was not an issue during the marriage). Her tendency to do that is what eventually broke up the marriage.

Perhaps therapy is in order?

[cassandra54]

15 years and it's still an issue? I suspect that your gender expression may not be the real problem, and whatever the problem is it's probably hers.

My ex used to hold issues over my head for years (my gender expression was not an issue during the marriage). Her tendency to do that is what eventually broke up the marriage.

Perhaps therapy is in order?

i would have to agree. if it was an issue after 6 months i would end the relationship. don't know how everything else is in said relationship, but think about if you did something seriously wrong, like do drugs or have an affair

[litlejohn]

I haven't been caught red nails yet but close. I have decided one thing from reading these forums, honesty seems to outway being outed by a long shot. I have been dropping hints, even though I don't like that method bringing something up. She has to be told soon for both our sakes. Wish me luck