How to aproach one of us?

[lisalove]

My girlfriend asked me how to aproach a crossdresser, to let her know that she accepts CDs, or to say how nice they look etc. There is a Cd that works at her local Wallyworld. Today the CD and her twin "sister" were both at the library. Yes they both dress.
I had told her before most CDs just want to blend in, not to stand out out in a crowd.
So as the title states, how does she aproach a CD without making them uncomfortable, without letting then know they stood out in a crowd.
I haven't a clue how to answer her question. So I leave it to you all

[Alberta_Pat]

I think that a simple "You look good" would be sufficient.
If the CD wanted to pursue it farther, she wold continue the conversation.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Talk to them as you would any woman.

[AllieSF]

She may not be a CD, but rather a TS and would prefer to be "unnoticed". However, there is nothings saying that one can't discuss something else besides "T" world affairs. Ask for help in finding something, whatever.

[Aprilrain]

my guess is that if this person is always dressed as a woman they are not a CD at all but rather a TS in which case what Allie said.

[Rachel Morley]

It's always a "double edged sword" as if your girlfriend were to say something (even complimentary) then the CDer is going to know that she has been "read" (always a bummer) but then again IMHO, coming from a GG it has more validity and somehow seems better. I would recommend that you tell your girlfriend to be aware that the CDer in question is going to feel sensitive to being "singled-out" (which is what it is if she gets noticed) so to tread carefully, show some compassion, and above all sound creditable with her compliments. :2c:

[nvlady]

I have always wondered how acceptable it would be to ask "Are you one of us?".
A GG would have no idea what you were talking about, and you could just say never mind, but a CD would know she was talking to a sister.

[Tina B.]

Yes a sister,terrorist, or member of the KKK, or who knows what else. How about a little ice breaker like, excuse me Mame, can you tell me where the ladies room is? If you just have to say something, which I believe you shouldn't, but if you just have to. Start a conversation by asking a question you would ask any stranger, do you know the time, or something harmless, and end with, that's a cute outfit, but never ask, are you a man, and never say something like, for a guy, you wear that dress pretty good, and never ask if his wife knows what he is doing! Oh, and if it's me, just keep walking, and leave me alone!
Tina B.

[Jenny Doolittle]

A compliment is a compliment, just say something nice as if you would anyone. I know a smile in my direction is the best compliment.

[jillleanne]

Simple, talk to them like any other person they talk to and do mention the fact they know. Just act nomal.

[Phoebe]

Went to a flower shop to send my mother some flowers for her birthday. The attendant was dressed in a nice dress and all. I noticed the attendant had an 'Adam's Apple' and mostly masculine facial features. On the counter there was a antique radio with a for sale sign $10.00. I asked the attendant if the radio worked. She said, no, that is my old radio and thought someone might use it as a conversation piece. I told her I was a ham radio operator and could take a look at the radio back home to see if it could be restored. She said oh, I have a ham radio license too. Then she wrote down her email address and the ham radio call sign she held. I took the radio back home and opened it up. Some switch was completely broken inside and not repairable. So I sent her a email about the radio's condition. I looked up the ham radio call sign on a data base of ham radio licenses. The call sign she wrote down was registered to a "John ....." . Then as a note asked her if she were a crossdresser and that at times I crossdressed myself. She wrote back that she was living as a female for a year before SRS operation. Didn't seem to be offended by my question about her being a crossdresser. She didn't want the radio returned to her.

[Chickhe]

The thing is... every person who goes out dressed should have some expectation that they will be discovered. However, the plan for most is to be discreet and to blend so running up to someone talking loudly about it is not really appropriate. Think of it like any other minority...you wouldn't run up to a short person and tell them they have courage for being short! however, you might be more tactful and join in helping them with whatever you are doing together...like reaching for something on the top shelf...or for a Cder..helping them pick the best shade of lipstick.

[windycissy]

Best to treat them like any other woman, if your curiousity gets the better of you just strike up a woman-to-woman conversation but under no circumstances mention their gender...God forbid if the person happens to be a very masculine-looking woman (they are out there, you know) you would insult her horribly!

[Stephanie47]

Would you go up to a woman who you did not know and compliment her on her looks? Is the person at the library really looking for unsolicited comments? I saw a CDer and her male companion at my local Barnes and Nobles, who was passable. Did I run up to her and interrupt her privacy? No. If the person is at a club frequented by alternate lifestyles that is a different situation.

[Kathi Lake]

Would you go up to a woman who you did not know and compliment her on her looks?Yup! Her looks, her clothes, her shoes - whatever. I have never been received ungraciously yet. I would hope that if you saw me out and about that you would say hello.

:)

Kathi

[Eryn]

Either an appropriate comment on something she is wearing or a comment on something else. If you are both looking at jewelry, for example, you could say "I really like this piece, do you think it would look good on me?"

However, it would not be politic to make any indication that she is anything other than a woman. That might possibly come after considerable conversation but never at the start. A recent post in another thread mentioned one person saying to the other "I think that we might have something in common." as a way to approach the issue, but this should be done with extreme caution.

My wife and I go out to dinner to the same restaurant every week and see another regular couple, the male half of which has long hair tied back in a ponytail, very smooth facial skin, and hairless arms and chest. Perhaps these are signs that he is one of us, perhaps not. We've never figured out a graceful way to broach the subject and also wonder if it is a subject we wish to broach at all. He and his wife have seen me as often as we've seen him so I wonder if they have the same thoughts! :)

[Duana]

I have women approach me all the time and I'm thrilled to talk to them. Usually they make a remark about how nice I look or what great legs I have. It doesn't matter to me, I'm very easy going. Just do it.

[lisalove]

Well as I expected, there is a mixed consences of do or don't.
I told her to not even bother aproaching them, as they most likely just want to blend in, as I do myself.
But you know she's a woman and can't leave well enough alone, Lol.
So this is why I asked you all.
I'll keep an eye on the thread, and I'll pass on what has been posted to her.

[ReineD]

I'm with the others. Just ignore the fact she may be a CD or a TS and treat her like any other person.

A few people who responded said to treat her just like any other woman. This perplexes me, simply because I don't treat men and women differently when I've just met them. I engage in small talk or exchange a few polite remarks no matter the gender. The only time I'd treat a guy differently would be if I were flirting with him. lol

[DanaR]

Just talk to them like you would any other person. My first thought was to talk to them like you would any other woman, but after reading Reine's response I agree with her.

[Eryn]

A few people who responded said to treat her just like any other woman. This perplexes me, simply because I don't treat men and women differently when I've just met them. I engage in small talk or exchange a few polite remarks no matter the gender.

Perhaps we've found another difference in communication styles between men and women. Most men definitely make small talk differently with other men than they do with women. Different topics and different ways of approaching the conversation.

[ReineD]

Perhaps we've found another difference in communication styles between men and women. Most men definitely make small talk differently with other men than they do with women. Different topics and different ways of approaching the conversation.

Even in the very beginning when it is at the distant acquaintance stage? Say Mimi introduced you to a female co-worker and her husband one day while you're out doing errands, and you were only talking to them for a few minutes. How would your approach be different with each of them?

[Missy]

just say hi and leave em alone
friendship great but if you bring up something it just might make em uncomfortable
remember most want to go unnoticed and blend in if the subject is bought up then you are telling them that they do not blend in but stand out

[eluuzion]

So as the title states, how does she aproach a CD without making them uncomfortable, without letting then know they stood out in a crowd.
I haven't a clue how to answer her question. So I leave it to you all

Let me see here...

It is close enough to Halloween, so just walk up to the CD and say:
“Hey, great mask…where did you buy it?”

Or how about something more “general” like:
“Excuse me, but does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

It seems to me that the best person to ask for advice on this question would be professional pick-pocket.

:heehee: :D :heehee:

I know everybody’s heart is in the right spot on this, but most Cds out in public are not looking for “confirmation” from strangers. If the goal is to let a CD know you “accept” them, do what you normally do with strangers in public…nothing.

Just my 2 sense…

[Eryn]

Even in the very beginning when it is at the distant acquaintance stage? Say Mimi introduced you to a female co-worker and her husband one day while you're out doing errands, and you were only talking to them for a few minutes. How would your approach be different with each of them?

Certainly! With the man the discussion would be about male-oriented topics (sports, gadgets, cars, etc.). One major goal is to "size-up" the man one is meeting.

With the woman the topics would not be masculine and might include a compliment on something she is wearing. The goal is more to establish a connection and to make everyone feel comfortable.

I've not experienced enough to understand the situation well from the female side, though I am trying to learn.

[Rianna Humble]

Even in the very beginning when it is at the distant acquaintance stage? Say Mimi introduced you to a female co-worker and her husband one day while you're out doing errands, and you were only talking to them for a few minutes. How would your approach be different with each of them?

I have observed these differences over the years of trying to understand what it takes to be a man

* with another man, the men will talk sport, cars or something similar
* with a woman, they may talk about her job or something more neutral
* with a couple, men tend to ask about what they are planning to do together

These re only personal observations and could be wildly wrong. As with many of these things, YMMV

[ReineD]

^ Not me! :) When I first meet someone, the conversation is more about the place we're in, or something about the services offered. Maybe it would go so far as asking how often the person goes there, or what their interests about the place. Discussion about any personal preferences or hobbies wouldn't come into it until much, much later, but then it would be something that is applicable to both genders ... where do they work, what do they do, are they married and have kids, etc.

Do guys who first meet each other jump in on cars and sports right away? lol

At any rate, the OP's SO was looking for something nice to say that was non-commital yet supportive, to someone she barely knows. And come to think of it, the last thing she should do is jump into a discussion about makeup or fashion, if this is what was meant about treating someone like a woman. Goodness, then the CD or TS would know she was clocked, since people don't usually start out taking about these things. She works with this person, so the natural beginning to this particular friendship would be to just talk about the place and the people they work with, do they have common acquaintances, etc., just as she would with any other girl or guy that she works with.

EDIT I think I've just had an epiphany! Could it be than men keep a much stronger division between the genders than women? :p

[Tina B.]

Not being into sports, that most men follow, I'm with Reine on this one, the conversation is pretty much the same no matter what the gender of the person I've been introduced to. The weather, and what's going on around town.
Tina B.

[Kate Simmons]

Simple really, I don't talk to other CDers (or anyone else really) as "this, that or the other thing". I talk to them as people. People with an affinity to dress up maybe but people nonetheless, no?:)

[Jenny Doolittle]

Would you go up to a woman who you did not know and compliment her on her looks? Is the person at the library really looking for unsolicited comments? I saw a CDer and her male companion at my local Barnes and Nobles, who was passable. Did I run up to her and interrupt her privacy? No. If the person is at a club frequented by alternate lifestyles that is a different situation.

I always offer a compliment when I can deliver it with truth, it does not matter if it is a woman, a man, or a CD, I think everyone always enjoys a kind word and a compliment.

[Nikki A.]

As for myself, if a gg approached me and gave me a compliment on what I was wearing or just asked a queston about anything I would be fine with it and just talk to them. Maybe I've been out enough that I am not afraid or even care if I'm read. I'm just being me and that is all that counts.

[Mikaela]

I read an article once that the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask a question that puts you at a disadvantage and is appealing for their help. You may know the answer, but that's not the point. How they respond lets you know whether you can continue being friendly or if they are just being polite and want you to go away.

[*Vanessa*]

I know some would think it here, but I find meeting people very tough to do. This year I started a 30 second stranger project as something to do with photography. The (obvious) jist is to go upto a complete strange and ask for their portrait. It had help a tremendous amount to open up to people. Have a small conversation and maybe get a new friend out of the deal.

[ReineD]

You can tell when people are being genuine or if they have an agenda. If some woman came up to me out of the blue and complimented me on my appearance, I'd wonder why, especially if I was just out and about doing regular stuff and hadn't put any extra effort on my appearance. It would be more fitting if we were standing in line together and she happened to notice my purse for example and said she liked it.

I've given compliments to women over the years if I really liked an item of apparel, but usually we're dealing with each other somehow, like both volunteering at school, or maybe both pumping gas at the same time, or we're both in line as mentioned above. This type of comment is usually followed with, "Where did you get it". Once in a rare while, if I've seen someone with an extraordinary feature such a a gorgeous head of hair for example, then I'll compliment her. But, in such cases it is apparent the person always receives compliments for this feature, so it is not out of the ordinary.

At special events where women get all dressed up, it isn't odd to give compliments since everyone has put in some effort in their appearance.

[Eryn]

...I think I've just had an epiphany! Could it be than men keep a much stronger division between the genders than women?

You may be correct. Since your approach to starting conversations is the same regardless of the gender of the person being addressed that would seem to be the case.

I'd feel rather strange making a comment about an interesting automobile to a woman unless I knew that she was particularly interested in cars. With men, even if they aren't interested in cars they can usually fake it pretty well since it is a part of guy culture. The same goes for other common guy topics.

With women, I tend to stay very generic. If they are looking at something I might comment about the object of interest. Otherwise it is the weather, etc.