Purging because it's easier

[StaceySweet]

Hello all, long time silent partner and obvious first time poster. To make a long story short, I've been CD'ing since I was ten off and on and my wife of three years found my stash last year. She was pretty upset but understanding as well. Divorce never crossed her lips. She's been ok with me wearing panties as long as she doesn't see or know about when I do it. It's worked pretty good; however, she has used the fact I CD as ammo against me in arguments. Each time it feels horribly embarrassing and I get down on myself. I love the girl in me and I wouldn't change the femininity I feel in my veins. Yet, I don't want her to hold this over me forever and I so I've made the difficult decision to throw away my beloved panties, my sexy jeans, my oh so cute shoes and my fingernail polish collection. I've cried and will probably cry a few more times over this "death." Will this really be the end of my 19 year journey? Maybe, maybe not but it sure does feel like it.
I appreciate all the strength, courage, pride and self-acceptance I've gained from all of the members here through the stories and experiences you've shared. Thank you for letting me share my story and the little bit of therapy it provided.

Daniel (the boy formerly known as Stacey)

[Jonianne]

Well, we will still be here if you need to come back. Also many of us have gone through very similar experiences with wives and we would be happy to share our experiences and offer suggestions on working things through.

For me, after purging many times, I found it easier to keep a balance and live within agreed-to boundries than being "all or nothing". Maintaining a strong sense of self, while respecting other's boundries is vital in a relationship. In a relationship both parties need to respect the boundries of the other. She is not respecting your boundry by using it as ammo. This needs to be worked out and dealt with whether or not you purge.

You obviously were wrong to keep your cd'ing a secret from her, so in that, acknowledge that you violated her trust as well. If you do purge and later find the need to cd again, be open with her about it, or else she will "find your stash" again and things will be twice as bad.

[Emme]

Pleased not throw away your collection. It will not change a thing. Work hard to accept your self. When you are self accepting, her words in an argument will not hurt. Age helps. Keep on working on her to understand, the wonderful feeling CD gives you. It takes time. I was once where you are, now I walk thru the house in bra and no panties, but always in my forms and bra. I have even began to read this forum to wife.. she loves me and has found out that my "girl side" makes me a better person. Keep the panties, show them to her, on your pretty backside! good luck!

[JulieK1980]

Good luck! I did that once when I was younger. I regretted it after words. Whatever you do though, I wish you the best!

[Tina B.]

You love her, but does she love you, from the sounds of it, one wonders. Throwing that up in your face is an act of control, you feel humiliated, she wins.Love is not about control, or winning, it's about wanting the person you care about to be happy, how is she contributing to that. It's one thing to not like it, and not want to be a round it, or see it, these things I can understand, but to use it as a weapon, that's just wrong.
Tina B.

[Rachel Morley]

... she has used the fact I CD as ammo against me in arguments. Each time it feels horribly embarrassing and I get down on myself.That's not funny and IMO quite hurtful of her. Are you telling me she doesn't even want to try to understand "what makes you tick"? Not only that, she wants to use it against you? :( Purging, IMO, never works in the long run .. at least, that's to say it didn't ever work for me.

[josee]

If I were you I wouldn't throw anything away. Put it up somewhere safe because odds are you will be back. It is true.

Many of us here purged some of us many, many times. Only to find out after a lot of heart ache it is something that does not go away.

Finally for me a little while before my 50th birthday I came to the realisation that this is who. I am. I am so much happier now that I have begun to accept myself.

[Sophie86]

Good luck, Daniel, but don't be surprised if it doesn't change anything. :sad:

[Diana Bain]

Stacey,

I know this is a hard time for you...but you are a part of Daniel...as he is a part of you. She is..and always will be a part of you. Your wife knows that bring this up during arguements will hurt you...and those "that hurt you, control you!" I know it's hard but try to talk this out...explain to her why Stacey is important to you,,,and that she's not a threat to her...I wish you well. Diana

[Jannette H]

First purging is not the answer. I think you should to talk it out, at least try. But don't purge Stacey will be back.

[Jessica86]

I agree with everyone here. I can not arm chair quarterback the situation you are in, but I can definately tell you I have heard that "ammo" go off before. We all say things we don't mean. My wife is very supportive of what I do....and has limitations I respect. So, that same situation would happen, even if it is in a different scenario. Heck, I've even heard my mom talking about my dad forgetting an anniversary xx years ago. It happens. It won't change who you are. I've been dressing since I was five.....and I've purged before just because I thought I would turn gay from it. Then, I spent a lot of money....got new stuff later, and just had a field day!!! I can't hold Jessica back, and have come to accept that. She's part of me, like Stacey is a part of you. Your wife loves who you are, or else she wouldn't be next to you at night. It's very blunt....but true.

[SabrinaEmily]

To paraphrase Willy Wonka (from the first movie): If God wanted us to purge, he wouldn't have invented storage lockers.

And as others have said, purging doesn't make this go away. So I wouldn't throw them out.

The problem is between you and your wife, not with your clothes, and getting rid of the clothes won't change that. Besides, if she uses your crossdressing as a trump card in arguments now, why do you think she won't continue to do it?

You have to resolve the actual problem. Hiding never works in the long run and it makes you hate yourself.

[Kathy4ever]

Well all I can say is it will give you a reason to shop for new things. It will shrink your wallet and that is about all. I still regret throwing away 2 bags full of cloths, heels, boots, makeup up over two years ago. I like the new things that i have purchase but wonder how many things would I own feminine now if i kept what i had.Don't do it LUCY.LOL

[ReineD]

First, a personal example about how one person's meaning can be misconstrued by another:

I have reproached my sons for various things while they were growing up. I behaved according to my principles, my worry for their welfare, and to be honest, my fear that they 'wouldn't turn out well'. I never felt I sounded angry when I reproached them. My style was (and still is) to explain things in the hopes they would understand the principles I was trying to teach them. I never thought they were bad kids when they did what kids do. And looking back, they likely would have turned out just the same had I not said anything about what they did. They're older now and when we revisit those past experiences, their memories are quite different than mine. They believe I yelled at them and I was displeased with THEM. (You don't know me, but believe me, I don't yell. I hate confrontations).

I know you're not a child, but I can't think of any other example to illustrate the concept that there is not one, single, objective truth.

On the one hand, your wife doesn't understand the CDing. I don't know why she doesn't. Maybe she is religious. Maybe she grew up in an environment where there wasn't much diversity. Maybe she saw some horrible movie about a crossdresser (Silence of the Lambs comes to mind), and she thinks it is some weird, vile thing to do. Maybe she has no clue how 'normal' it is, because the few examples of CDers she has seen in the media have been distortions of the truth. But, maybe despite whatever reason she is against it, she loved you enough to allow the panties even though she hated the idea. And so during any argument (if she has a quick temper not unlike many other people), her distaste came to the forefront (since she never did like the idea), and she voiced her disapproval out loud.

You, on the other hand, felt bad when she did this. Why? Is it because fundamentally you felt she was right? Might you also have believed that men shouldn't do these things? You did say you felt embarrassed. If so, I can understand why, instead of getting to the bottom of it with her, you would have said nothing and instead felt bad about yourself.

So here we have a wife who never understood the CDing and who is afraid of what it means or where it might lead, and a husband who takes it that his wife is reproaching who he is, rather than what he does. So he feels embarrassed and keeps his feelings to himself. Nothing gets talked about other than the fact the husband enjoys wearing panties, nothing gets resolved, and the wife moves forward from the argument having it reinforced that the CDing is not something that is OK to do, through the husband's tacit agreement to not get to the bottom of things (no pun intended).

I don't know if I've got it right so far and if I don't, please correct me. But if what I wrote describes your situation, then the solution is not for you to agree with your wife, by agreeing to never CD again, that she is right in continuing to think about the CDing the way she does. You instead must find a way to let your wife know what is in your heart, what it means to you.

This might take some homework on your part, some introspection. You might want to read the book, "My Husband Betty" first, and see what fits you. And then you will need to educate your wife. You will also need to get your wife to tell you exactly what her objections are, and reassure her if her beliefs are incorrect. What does she think the CDing is? Does she think it is just a sexual thing that does not involve her, or that it means you must want to be a woman, or that you might eventually be attracted to men?

If you've CDed in secret, then it could well be that your wife feels the CDing is more important to you than she is, not unlike a woman who finds out about an affair. You didn't mention anything other than your wife's objections in your post, but I wonder if your wife has felt you were hiding more than panties from her throughout the years.

I'm not saying that you are a bad person for having coped the best way you know how, given your need to CD and your wife's distaste for it. Not am I defending your wife. I'm just trying to explain what she may be thinking and feeling, so that you can develop the tools you'll need to get past this impasse.

... last thought. Or, you could just purge for now, but print this first (if I got it right) and keep it in a safe place as a reference if ever there does come a time when your urges to CD come back. And also print the posts, "How To Tell Your Wife" and "Now I Like It, Now I Don't" that are located under my signature. Not everything in those posts will fit your situation since your wife already knows, but there should be enough there to help you along.

Good luck!

[eluuzion]

Although I understand the logic and motivation behind choosing the path you selected...

My experiences have convinced me that the rewards gained from choosing the "easy way" are short lived, when compared with the long term satisfaction that results from taking the challenging path.

This is one of those "pick your battles" issues where each person has to make their own list.

Good Luck :hugs:

:love:

[Amy Hepker]

If you do get in a discussion again with your Wife, you need to let her know you would not be who you are without the female side of you. You are in the same boat almost all of us have been in and I will tell you right now, the female side will always be there and will come out from time to time. Whether you purge or not is up to you, but you will again have a collection of stuff. I think many of us have Purged many times in our lives and we are still here. I know I have purged at least 5 times, I still regret throwing out many things that cannot be replaced.

[mustangsally1965]

I have 'purged' in the past and its a 'HUGE MISTAKE' , why am I yelling ? Because it is a mistake and you will wind up re-buying everything you threw out and then some. Better to box up everything and put the stuff where you can't see it and the wife can't too. After a while you will be glad you did. If you have already purged then hold on to your wallet because its just a matter of time before you start buying again. The best advice I can give to all men that like to wear womens cloths is don't purge,never,never,never!

[Piora]

I see one word, flashing like a neon sign above your head. The word? It's GUILT. Plain and simple. She is making you feel guilty about crossdressing. Whether she sees it as a threat to your marriage, or a sin, or believes that anyone who crossdresses is automatically gay - I don't know. But, believe me when I tell you this.....CDing is a part of who you are. Purging is not a solution. I think if you do a search on this site, about others who have been in your situation at one time or another, you will see that it doesn't change one God damn thing. Take the advice from everyone on this thread and STASH - don't TRASH, the female clothing!

I'm not unsympathetic to your situation. But I think there's more to a marriage than just meekly knuckling under to a spouse's demands. I think possibly that counseling, some give and take, and patience and understanding from both parties need to be in play here.

I wish you luck, and hope you find that common ground.

[Kate T]

With regards to purging. I'm going to disagree with many of the posters here and say that purge away if you want too. So what if you purge. You've wasted a bit of money. You might never get "that little black dress" back again. Big deal, it's just money and clothes. For crying out loud I know of some GG's who "purge" at least once every couple of years!

Purging or not is irrelevant and is merely a symptom of the underlying problem. In much the same way as merely treating a symptom of a disease will not fix the disease, I think not purging will have no benefit to your real problem.
I've purged plenty of times. I can't even remember how many times or when. Gee, must have been a big mistake to purge then!

A number of posters have already identified your real problem. You need to firstly TGHLY (take a good hard look at yourself) and come to some level of acceptance regarding your CD / TG identity. Once you have done this then you need to SERIOUSLY communicate with your wife and tell her about it so that together you can work out how you can both learn to understand each other more.

Your relationship with your wife is WAY more important than a closet of clothes.

[Brenda79135]

When my wife and I started our life together we would argue all the time. This is normal just to get used to each other. At the time I was not CDing and she used other weapons against me. We knew where each others buttons were. We finally ended up in counseling over this. The counselor gave us the 10 rules of fighting for couples at this link.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/10-rules-for-friendly-fighting-for-couples/all/1/

This has helped considerably. You both have to abide by the rules in order for this to work. If either of you don't there is something else wrong with the relationship that needs to be addressed before the both of you can grow together.

[marlacd]

Since I'm in the midst of a divorce due in part to my dressing, I can say purging is no answer. She could bring up the CD issue in any dissagreement you two may have until the day you drop over dead. In my wife's case, she beleves that dressing is wrong due to religious upbringing. And she has this idea that my dressing takes away the time that I should use to focus on her. I have the added problem of her not getting the attencion she needed when she was a child. For this, she needs professional help, but she refuses to seek it. So I get to carry that burden, and she sees nothing wrong with that. This was a constant issue in my marriage, and it would still be there even is I wasn't a CD.
If you can solve her underlying issues, then you might win her approval to dressing. I don't know if this advise will help you, but at least you might have something to go on.

[Stephenie S]

Pack it all up and put it away. There is NO question but that you will be back.

If by some miracle you actually stay away, you can give it all to Good Will at a later date.

S

[Piora]

When my wife and I started our life together we would argue all the time. This is normal just to get used to each other. At the time I was not CDing and she used other weapons against me. We knew where each others buttons were. We finally ended up in counseling over this. The counselor gave us the 10 rules of fighting for couples at this link.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/10-rules-for-friendly-fighting-for-couples/all/1/

This has helped considerably. You both have to abide by the rules in order for this to work. If either of you don't there is something else wrong with the relationship that needs to be addressed before the both of you can grow together.
Certainly some good advice there. I agree with Brenda that there may be a lot more to Stacey's situation than simply a disagreement about crossdressing. However, I see this purging situation as being similar to, for example, a minister who removes his tunic and collar, thinking never to wear it again. Does getting rid of it make him no longer a minister? No, of course not. He's still the same person he was - just without the visual part of who he is. His faith might be shaken, but usually people in his situation come to terms with it. We all have our doubts from time to time about what we do in life. It's the same with CDing. If we get rid of our feminine attire - will that magically quell our desire to dress? Will it remove that part which is inside us all? (well, almost all of us) No, it won't. This isn't just some hobby, like stamp collecting. We are driven....each of us, in a variety of ways....to feed our need for expressing the female inside us.

[jillleanne]

Stacey, save yourself alot of grief and money and just stash the stuff for now; you'll want it later. While your stuff is in storage, take the time to talk with your s/o and work out what needs to be worked out about your gender enhancements, educating her about who you are and always will be. Remember, calm sensible talk will overcome most anything.

[Aprilrain]

She's been ok with me wearing panties as long as she doesn't see or know about when I do it. It's worked pretty good; however, she has used the fact I CD as ammo against me in arguments. Each time it feels horribly embarrassing and I get down on myself. I love the girl in me and I wouldn't change the femininity I feel in my veins. Yet, I don't want her to hold this over me forever, Stacey

If she holds it over your head she is not OK with it.
If she brings it up in arguments which have nothing to do with CDing she is not OK with it
Tolerance is not acceptance and often times the person being "tolerant" is only hoping that by not making a big deal of whatever it is they are being tolerant of will go away.
She will ALWAYS hold this over your head. How does getting rid of clothes she never sees help you? Besides you will just regret your decision at some point in the future and buy more. If you have proclaimed to your wife that you have "quit forever" then you will be hiding it from her again when you do start CDing again, and you will.
the more uncomfortable YOU are with the CDing the more uncomfortable SHE is going to be. She may just not be able to accept it period and thats fine but that means your wife does not accept you. Who wants to be married to some one who doesn't accept them? GOD! that sounds awful!

[bredalee25]

Stacey,
Trust me when I say purging never works. I purged all my stuff on two occasions and here I sit dressed. My wonderful wife accepts my dressing and I dress all the time while home no outside dressing which is fine with me. Now back to what I was saying it's just gonna eat at you not having your girlie stuff until you break down and buy more. I've got some major regrets for doing it I tossed some really great skirts and tops I can't seem to find anything like them now.

So think hard before you do this as everone has said it won't change your wifes oppinion at all.

[Stephanie47]

Stacy- Normally I would counsel against purging because it does not work. However, if your wardrobe is not extensive, I would discard it. Why? Because the real issue is whether or not your marriage will survive. If you hide your wardrobe, what will happen if your wife discovers it? A breech of trust and accusations will arise. Will your wife continue to hold the cross dresser's sword above your head? I suspect she will. A person never forgets. A person may forgive, but, never forgets. Even if you can break away from your cross dressing or fetish, I suspect your wife will forever use her nuclear weapon against you. Do you want that relationship?

Secondly, you did not say whether you have children together. If you do not- DO NOT GET PREGNANT TOGETHER!!!! That will only complicate the situation.

I've been married forty years. We had our disagreements over different things other than cross dressing. But, never was there anything that made me more vulnerable than her yelling if we ever divorced she tell the world and destroy me. Our disagreement or disharmony had zero to do with cross dressing. It was her weapon- her secret-my secret-but her weapon. Sure, I had accepted her faults along our marriage road, but, I have no weapon. Why, because I have only memories of things she told me of before we married. They are disclosures that are hurtful for her. They meant nothing to me when I married her, but, they do effect our relationship-still. But, there are storage boxes of dresses, slips,foundation garments, wigs, etc that she can throw in my face. She did apologize for yelling her intentions, and, said she would never to it even if we were to divorce. Do I believe her? Do I have doubts about her sincerity? Yep!

She never brings up my cross dressing. Maybe she realized from our discussions that the man she married is still there, but, with a little twist. The woman I married is still there with a little twist.

At age 29 I would not remain married to a woman who would torment me whenever she felt like it. Marriage is a long term negotiation. If it is not, then it is a master-slave relationship.

[Jilmac]

Take it from someone who has been there and done that too many times to count, PURGING DOESN'T WORK! Your feminine desires will always be with you, they're an integral part of you, and sooner or later you will be buying more panties jeans and tops. Please accept yourself for the person you are. I know how difficult that can be when a spouse says something that makes you feel like an outcast, but for the sake of your sanity, don't let it get the best of you.

[LRoberts]

I"m also in the middle of seperation due to my crossdressing. It hasn't been a pleasant journey to this point. I've purged many times due to feeling guilty that I was "broken" and not normal. At the almost end of my journey I look back and all those purges just prolonged the inevitable conclusion that CD'ing is a part of who I am. Its not going away. I think if I had kept all the clothes i would have come to the conclusion a lot sooner. So long story short. Don't purge!

[AnitaH]

What you do about purging or cross-dressing is up to you but I must say as others have, there is a bigger issue between you and you wife at work here. Her words that hurt and play on your guilt have no place in any healthy marriage. Whatever you do decide both you and your wife need to work things out perhaps marriage counciling is in order.

Just my 2 cents from someone who's been there done that.

AnitaH

[erin8042]

Has anyone thought that we never hear from the ones that purge and are successful? I did it once and did not dress for a year, which i think was worth it. Yes, i do agree it is easy to start dressing again. But, there has to be some successful purges out there don't you think? If the choice is dress or married, i would pick married.

[Amanda22]

I think you're purging the wrong "thing" in your life. Why the need to please your wife at the cost of your own self-acceptance? This isn't going away and if you don't know that now, I'm afraid you'll realize it later, when this will all resurface and hopefully at that time you will seek respect and understanding from your partner. You use the word "ammo" in reference to your wife. How can you call that a healthy, respectful relationship?? The things you purged can be replaced so don't feel guilty about purging. Look at your relationship. Look at your self-respect. Good luck with those.

[Piora]

Has anyone thought that we never hear from the ones that purge and are successful? I did it once and did not dress for a year, which i think was worth it. Yes, i do agree it is easy to start dressing again. But, there has to be some successful purges out there don't you think?
I really think that it's not so much "if" you'll ever want to start dressing again after purging.....it's "when". I purged every single article of female attire when the family home was sold and my ex-wife and I went our separate ways. It was such an emotional and intense time of my life. Something changed in me that day, which left me without a desire to ever dress again. Fast forward 7 years. One day, about 2 years ago, I was just looking at some things online, and it all came flooding back. Suddenly, I needed to put on feminine things again. I couldn't wait to get those first few items. I'm back....and the desire is twice as strong as it ever was.

[sometimes_miss]

You love her, but does she love you, from the sounds of it, one wonders. Throwing that up in your face is an act of control, you feel humiliated, she wins.Love is not about control, or winning, it's about wanting the person you care about to be happy, how is she contributing to that. It's one thing to not like it, and not want to be a round it, or see it, these things I can understand, but to use it as a weapon, that's just wrong.
Tina B.

And if she uses it as a weapon once, she'll do it again. Be prepared to do whatever she wants for the rest of your life; and because of that, she may begin to see you as less of the masculine man she married, and that can be the beginning of the end. Tread very carefully. Prepare for the worst.
I can't ever be sure, but I think that when my wife found out, she probably started planning the split soon after that, it just took a few years for it all to come together for her. Then she used the crossdressing as blackmail to take everything I had, and then some.
Bottom line....if she doesn't like it, and you keep doing it, eventually it can easily push her past the point of no return.
Good luck. You'll need it.

[bridgetta]

Inanimate objects have no power. In the case of purging it is an external action for an internal problem. Just fabric.

[DonnaT]

It's time to do two things: (1) accept yourself fully so you won't be embarrassed about being a CDer, and (2) have a calm an rational meeting of the minds with your wife. Explain how you've accepted her terms regarding your dressing, and that she should quit using it as a point of argument. Propose that if she can't do that, then you should have the right to dress when you feel like it, even if it means she sees it.

[Cheryl T]

Purging because it's easier


Yes, it's easier, but it's not a final solution.

After all the years of dressing (I began at about 8) and all the times I've Purged I can say from my experience that it's only a temporary fix. Sometimes it was a few months, sometimes a year or two, but the NEED to express this side of my personality always resurfaced. Now that I've come out to my wife fully and we've discussed everything and she's accepting I so regret all the beautiful things I've tossed into donation bins and the trash over the years.
I thought it was necessary at the time. I thought I was going crazy from all the guilt and hiding. I thought that Purging was going to make every thing better.
IT DIDN'T!
It just made me think things were better until that day when I just had to put on a pair of stocking, or a pair of panties or a bra or a slip or a nice pair of heels. Then it all began again. The guilt and fear built up and then there it was again...a Purge. It didn't solve anything, it just delayed my inevitable face to face meeting with my femininity and my need to express it.

Purging is the easy road...but it's a dead end road!

[Babeba]

Stacey,

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.' I would like to maybe guess that if your wife flung your eye colour out at you in an argument it would just seem ridiculous, right? Regardless of what you do with your clothing, I would like for you to try and learn how to accept and love yourself as the person you are.

So often when we fight with the people we love, we do or say things because we know it is a sore point with the other person... I'm not sure exactly why your wife brings your dressing up in fights, but what do you think would happen the next time you fight if you were to look her straight in the eye and say, 'I'm truly sorry that I didn't understand or accept myself for who and what I am enough to tell you when I should have. That was a mistake and you have every right to feel upset about it. But this is a part of me that isn't going to go away and it doesn't mean for one minute that I love you any less. You don't have to like this, you don't have to see it if you don't want to but you need to know that it's a part of me.'

I think sometimes one of the things GGs are worried about (besides honesty issues, and getting their heads around gender in ways they've often never had to think about) is that they'll lose what their man represents to them - presumably strength, dependability, and that partner they can lean on. It's important to have both people in a couple realize that anyone can have those traits. Hopefully having a little bit of confidence in yourself will help convince your wife that the core being of your person is still someone who meets her needs.

[ReineD]

'I'm truly sorry that I didn't understand or accept myself for who and what I am enough to tell you when I should have. That was a mistake and you have every right to feel upset about it. But this is a part of me that isn't going to go away and it doesn't mean for one minute that I love you any less. You don't have to like this, you don't have to see it if you don't want to but you need to know that it's a part of me.'

I'm quoting this for emphasis. I think that many closeted CDs should print it and put it in their wallets. Thanks, Babs. :hugs: