Exhausting debate

[Gennifer]

I really don't know where I am (TS, TG) but I know the debate going on in my mind is exhausting. I 'know' at some level that I should have been born a woman, but have lived all my life, and not all unhappily, as a man. I also have a terrific family, wife, children, etc., and still there is this kind of instinct or urge, I suppose, that I need to tell people where I am, and move out of this in between state. Part of me wants to explain, "I am really a woman." But, the prospect of doing that is scary on so many levels. Thus, the exhaustion. I suspect I am not alone in feeling this way, and it is good just to be able to share this right now.

[Eryn]

Gennifer, there are a lot of us in your in-between state. We all have different ways of dealing with it. Some transition, some dress in the closet and some, like me, share my feelings with my wife and a few close CD friends. I've found that simply being able to talk about the issue with my spouse has relieved a lot of the stress I was feeling before she knew about Eryn.

[Zenith]

Finding a therapist and talking with them is good first step, transition or not.

[Melody Moore]

I understand where you are coming from and making head & tails out of everything can be confusing and leaving
you feeling doubtful and unable to make decisions and move forward. As Julie suggested, seeing a therapist will be
the best thing you can do. They are invaluable if you have these types of struggles going on. They are there to
help you explore these feelings and offer you suggestions & other alternatives for dealing issues and will support
you in any decision that you make.

[MackenzieMarigold]

The most important thing to do when You feel that way is to find someone to talk to. Sometimes that's all you really need to figure things out, and if nothing else, it may make you feel better.

[HenryHall]

I really don't know where I am (TS, TG) but I know the debate going on in my mind is exhausting. I 'know' at some level that I should have been born a woman, but have lived all my life, and not all unhappily, as a man. I also have a terrific family, wife, children, etc., and still there is this kind of instinct or urge, I suppose, that I need to tell people where I am, and move out of this in between state. Part of me wants to explain, "I am really a woman." But, the prospect of doing that is scary on so many levels. .
I put it to you that the issue is not whether " I should have been born a woman" or "I am really a woman", if only because nature comes in near infinite variety.
The issue is "would my health, happiness and life be improved by reassignment since trying to change the mind to match the body always fails?".
From what you write it seems likely that it would not.

The next question is "can my life be improved in some other way, such as by introducing more sensitivity, indeed femininity in to my life?". Can I be a somewhat feminine man?

Unfortunately, since you are happily married, the answer to that is largely out of your hands and in your wife's hands.

There are many many reasons why women marry their husbands (I can think of a least ten breadwinner, trophy, soul-mate, father, sire, stud, handyman, bodyguard, lover, the list goes on and on - it's a good exercise). Transsexual husbands usually have the misfortune to find out. Sometimes the news is wonderful and you can do exciting things in the privacy of your good lady's bower and change your naked (only naked) body. Sometimes it gets really ugly. You are the best judge as to how it will go but you are not a good judge.

There are no easy answers, but do try not to throw your life and your money away.


Bonne chance.

[chloe23]

The first thing Gennifer needs is professional help to sort all her feelings out. They are the best for her to get her on the right path. Gennifer needs to sit down and have a long talk with wife and express the feelings she is feeling. I know it's scary and you feel alone at many times, as i was. It does no good to hide this from wife because she will eventually find out sooner or later. She needs to do what is best for her family and her and hopefully things will work out. I know i was very confused and depressed till i got the right help to sort things out. Good luck and get some help and don't be embarrassed about it, Therapist will help you.

[Gennifer]

I really appreciate all the thoughts, advice, and suggestions. It is helpful just knowing that someone is listening and taking the time to respond. I realize that I need to talk to someone--although my wife, brother, brother's partner, and a friend know about my dressing and some of my feelings, and to some extent are supportive--I think it would be useful to talk with a therapist or someone else who is outside of my immediate circle. Your suggestions have helped me realize that more fully.

Thank you.

[Beth-Lock]

. . . .The issue is "would my health, happiness and life be improved by reassignment since trying to change the mind to match the body always fails?".
From what you write it seems likely that it would not.

The next question is "can my life be improved in some other way ...."


.... You are the best judge as to how it will go but you are not a good judge.

There are no easy answers, but do try not to throw your life and your money away.


These are reasonable arguments, but while rational thinking in essential in resolving issues, it is not very important in deciding this core issue, to do it or not. If one is dissuaded by such arguments, it is because your emotional motivation is not strong enough (or not yet) or your faith, not because of the logical or illogical nature of the argument.

Like a lot of practical psychology, the pivot is not rational. I am not sure that you have to go through it to understand how this works, but it sure helps.

Gennifer, conversing with others who are TS and CD even on a forum like this, will be a big help in putting it into perspective, both emotional and on the basis of rational thinking about it.

[Kelsy]

Gennifer,

Get your self a good therapist! My advice is don't tell anyone about how you feel until "you" know how you feel! Once you say "it
there is no turning back, everything changes! you must be prepared for the possibilty of losing everything that is dear to you
though chances are that may not happen! All I'm saying is really be sure! As far as throwing you life away- well I don't think that is possible. Life may change and change radically There can be alot of pain physical and emotional the choice IMO comes down to "am I going to not act and die unknowing or am I going to risk all to become free. Is the struggle worth it - only you know!

Kelsy

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I really appreciate all the thoughts, advice, and suggestions. It is helpful just knowing that someone is listening and taking the time to respond. I realize that I need to talk to someone--although my wife, brother, brother's partner, and a friend know about my dressing and some of my feelings, and to some extent are supportive--I think it would be useful to talk with a therapist or someone else who is outside of my immediate circle. Your suggestions have helped me realize that more fully.

Thank you.

Its important to get an understanding how transsexualism plays out in different lives, that's a great step...talking to people, getting into a group or personal therapy will help you understand the world so you can better understand yourself..

it struck me you said you were OK with your male life, and you have a family and kids... and it also struck me that you said you need to tell people who you are.... so this is a nice little conflict you have...it's one that i had and it is scary..

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi Gennifer,

I transitioned 5 years ago. I had a lovely wife, nice home, land, vehicles, toys of all sorts just one thing was missing.

That one thing was the .45 that I bought to kill myself with if I had to spend another year in a lie.

I gave my wife everything except 5000,00 and closed the door on that false life.

Transition wasn't easy. Nothing in this life is Gennifer.

It appears that you already know what you have to do.

Stand up straight and walk forward....The clock ticks.


Julia

[chloe23]

Its important to get an understanding how transsexualism plays out in different lives, that's a great step...talking to people, getting into a group or personal therapy will help you understand the world so you can better understand yourself..

it struck me you said you were OK with your male life, and you have a family and kids... and it also struck me that you said you need to tell people who you are.... so this is a nice little conflict you have...it's one that i had and it is scary..

This could be debated to eternity.The first order of business is to see a Therapist and get a better understanding of yourself and your feelings. I agree transsexualism plays out in different lives and it helps to get a better understanding of it. Talking to the right people who you trust and are comfortable with an getting good information is a start. This will help you sort all your conflicts out and help you put the puzzle together.

I too had many conflicts that would come and go, but they would get stronger each time they returned and it was scary. I tried to repress these feeling, but that didn't seem to work. My wanting to crossdress got stronger, but it wasn't a sexual thing for me. I just felt more comfortable crossdressed, but i couldn't understand why. I finally got the courage to see a Therapist and he helped me greatly sort everything out and help find out that i indeed was transsexual. It seemed like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and i got a better understanding of myself. I thought i was alone in this, but i am not the only one. I see to many familiar stories that sound just like mine.

You say your ok with your male life, i too felt the same way but i wasn't happy with my male life. It seemed like i was just going thru the motions and the flow. I did all the male stuff, yard work, rode motorcycles, worked on cars on the weekend, drank beer at the bar after work, but something just didn't feel right. I never felt normal and i was just trying to fit in somewhere. I too am married with kids, but the keys to a good marriage is Trust, Communication, Give and Take, and allot of Hard Work. If you decide to transition, your to going to have learn to balance your transition and work hard to save your marriage. The first thing is your wife is going to question her sexuality, she will ask her self am i straight, bi, or a lesbian. Some marriages survive and some don't during transition. My marriage survived, we got counseling and it wasn't easy at times.
So it's best you surround your self with good Therapist and good information.

[Gennifer]

I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have you all reply. I don't feel quite so alone. Still scared, but not so alone. Your stories are helpful and have reinforced my suspicion that it is time to talk to a therapist. Now, I just have to find one... I will make some calls and let you know about the next steps.

[Katesback]

To be honest with ya I dont care if you transition or not. Most dont. But I will tell you one thing you need to never forget. If you ever tell anyone your ts (otherwise put a woman) you CAN NEVER retract those words! NEVER.

Oh and if you tell your wife your TS the odds of remaining marred are very low. Dont assume she will accept!

[HottyHeather]

Well I know exactly were your coming from I have been CD for years , even as a teen i would wear my sisters clothes. Then go for a spell not CD and then this urge would come and it been on going like that for years. I was married for over ten years when my wife caught me doing my dress up and I finally just had to tell her.What a great woman I married she was shocked at first to say the least , but has stuck by my side and we are going to be together for 15 yrs here soon. Now lately I have not been dressing up I still get the urge to do so , but for me know matter how good it makes me feel . I know I have to return to my old self and that is just the fact of life. But I always wonder why ? Why do I want to play dress up and Why do i enjoy it so much.I just wish I could anwser myself , but for some reason cannot.

[Gennifer]

So, I made an appointment with a therapist today. It's a relief to have done so, and a little scary at the same time. As I said when I started this thread, I don't know exactly where I am so meeting with someone may help me figure that out. In the meantime, I will take it a day at a time.

[Zenith]

So, I made an appointment with a therapist today. It's a relief to have done so, and a little scary at the same time. As I said when I started this thread, I don't know exactly where I am so meeting with someone may help me figure that out. In the meantime, I will take it a day at a time.

Good for you. It's a Safe Zone to let it all out. Figure out who you are before you start making statements to people in your life that cannot be retracted.