Scared, Confused, and Obsessed . . . .

[Anne2345]

Although I have been a member of CDers.com since March of this year, until now, I have avoided visiting the “transsexual forum.” In fact, I have all but ignored its existence. In this, I believe subconsciously that I have neither wanted to acknowledge this particular forum’s presence, nor admit that I may have reason to visit it.

In truth, I do not know if I should be here or not. I am confused. I am scared. And I am obsessed with my own sense of femininity. It dominates my thoughts, and I am having a very difficult time keeping myself composed and together.

But am I transsexual? Or am I merely a simple crossdresser? Perhaps I am caught somewhere in between. I am unable to say.

However, I have thought much about the answer, and I have an idea. The funny thing is, though, that I cannot quite answer the question. The answer seems soooo close, and yet, I am unable to articulate it. I simply cannot say the words out loud. This is either a function of genuinely being unsure, or of being too afraid to consciously recognize and acquiesce to an answer that I am unprepared to deal with or accept.

Recently, through therapy with my psychologist, I have discovered, and perhaps re-discovered, as the case may be, certain truths about myself. Some truths I have failed to recognize until recently, and some I have buried deeply for a long time. And yet other truths perhaps I have refused to acknowledge, and still potentially refuse to acknowledge. “Suppression” seems to have played a major role within my adult life, much to my chagrin and surprise.

I no longer know who I am. I thought I knew who I was, but apparently the reality of who I am is at odds with how I have perceived myself in the past.

I have lost much focus within my life of late. I am clinically depressed. I am riding an emotional roller coaster. I am up, down, up, down, up, down. I feel sometimes that my head is simply going to explode, and the feeling is crippling and quite debilitating.

Do I want to be a woman? I cannot say. I cannot bring myself to speak out loud an answer. As a result, I do not trust myself. I do not trust my emotions. I do not know what to think. I can, however, answer a much easier question. Do I wish I was born a girl? Yes. Yes I do.

[flwildboy]

I feel for you. I feel the same in many ways, but not quite as severe. I like women, I am attracted to women. But I wonder sometime, is it more just the look I am attracted too? The femininatiy? Haven't discussed with a therapist, or anyone. My thing is totally hidden from all. It does eat me up inside also.

[sandra-leigh]

A few days ago I had a gender therapy session. I mentioned that I had been kind of drifting and uncertain lately, wondering were it is all going, wondering what I want, wondering even whether I should just "go back to" being male (cuz isn't that supposed to be easier?). And I remarked that it seemed that a lot of people were somewhat the same way these days, uncertain and "down" and feeling dull. My therapist agreed strongly that the same sort of thing is happening to a lot of her patients.

Is there a reason for so many people feeling like that at this time? I think the economy might have a fair bit of impact. I personally am comfortable financially these days -- but I don't know if I am going to survive the re-organization at work. (And in the last few days, there has been unconfirmed word from someone knowledgeable that we are going to be brutally split up, sold off, and half shut down!)

[Jay Cee]

Welcome to Club Confusion, Anne. A fair number of us have either been there, or are still members.

I feel like I have reached a point where I am ready to admit to myself that I really am transexual. Yet, there are a thousand thoughts and details that seem to tell me that I am being ridiculous, selfish, or just plain wrong. Still, I'll struggle along, until I get the answer that feels right.

The journey you'll make to figure it out may not be easy, but it will be well worth it in the end.

Wishing you all the best

Jay Cee

[Melody Moore]

One thing I have really noticed that there are girls who have smooth transitions and those that have rough transitions
with lots of ups and downs. And I think this relates to how much a person has worked on issues and developed their
coping skills prior to going into transition. Another thing I have noticed is when we over-analysis and question every
thing we end up with that much junk floating around in our heads that we have trouble understanding which way is up
and which way is down.

Prior to transition I could not avoid my gender problem, I knew without any doubts that inside I was female but had a
difficult time accepting that, I did everything I could to avoid it, but in the end I realised that the only thing I hadn't
tried to do was accept it and see what happens. I think by doing this, it really allowed me to free myself up from all
that junk that was in my head prior to transition and give me a much clearer perspective on things. So I went into
transition with an open minded point of view even though I was really scared, but I know that I only felt that way
because I didn't know how things would pan out. Anyway, here is a video by someone I know that has been going
through transition and she had her fair share if issues in the beginning, but gives some very good tips and feedback
about transition and how to overcome the hurdles.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MjQX9EIKnU

[ameliabee]

Hi Anne,

Welcome to the TS forum!

Methinks you've just made it out of the pink fog! =D

Gauge your reasons for doing this. I'm struggling with the same thing, though I imagine my issue is desperately wishing that I wasn't transsexual rather than your issue of just trying to figure out where you fall under the transgender umbrella. See my thread here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?161559-Self-Doubt

The feeling of not being able to articulate who you are is what those silly "Am I a transsexual?" self tests are for. They give you words and some semblance of external validation, but can't confirm or definitively tell you anything.

Sounds like your therapist is going to be getting many more visits from you. Congrats on the progress you've made so far.

If I were in your position, I would be desperately fearful of confusing a mid-life crisis with being transsexual, if only because of this -> http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html

Best wishes,
Amelia

[Debb]

I ... I don't know what to say. I too have been in the good ship Confusion; my life is better now that I've stopped fighting it, for the most part. I have admitted to myself that I am a transsexual ... one that won't be transitioning.

I think that once I determined the above, the confusion eased. It has certainly been easier this past six months, but perhaps that has also to do with the fact that a lot of this confusion went on at the same time that my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and her losing battle with the disease. Lots of stress .. lots of confusion. I simply had no time to collect myself.

In the midst of a depression, confusion is probably something to be expected .. not convenient, not helpful, but not really a surprise. As I'm sure you know, decisions during a depression must be carefully taken. They don't need to be bad decisions, but it's darn hard with the stress of depression weighing you down to make a good decision.

Anne, I hope things clear up for you sooner rather than later. Take care of yourself, eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, get some sunshine when it's possible and store it up for the coming winter months (you're in the US, I know, but I suppose you could be in the sunshine state or somewhere "nice).

[Melody Moore]

If I were in your position, I would be desperately fearful of confusing a mid-life crisis with being transsexual, if only because of this -> http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html
Konkbent, when you consider how many people successfully transition as opposed to those who have failed it really is only
a very tiny percentage that fall through the cracks. And in just about every single case if you dig into the backgrounds
behind these cases, these people were not really being honest with them selves and the therapists they worked with.
Some of these people also rushed their transitions and had GRS/SRS far too soon and should have been settled in their
lives before going into surgery.

Also these people underwent gender transition a long time ago when most of the treatments and therapy was still in it's
infancy. We have come a very long way over the past 10-20 years. I think you will find now that therapy is considered
one of the most important treatments for all gender identity disorders now as outlined in the new WPATH SoC, and its
encouraged now for all transsexual, transgender and gender non conforming people and not just a select few. But therapy
is only effective if you are open and honest about everything. So don't just go off a few cases where people transitioned
a long time ago or were ill prepared to deal with any challenges they faced because a lot of things have changed.

Gender Transition should be done slowly and progressively, if you cannot live comfortably as a female without
gender reassignment surgery and be accepted in society, then having surgery won't ever make any difference.
This is why I say that GRS/SRS only represents about 10% of what it means to be to become a female. I have
been living full time as a female now for about 16 months, and I started that 2 months before I went on hormones
because I wanted to be sure that I felt comfortable and that I wasn't going to be teased or made fun of. And that
I could go out in public and do my regular chores such as shopping etc. This made me feel a lot more comfortable
about going on hormones when I realised noone even suspected I was a male.

[Debglam]

Anne,

Take a deep breath, take your time, keep working with your psychologist and you will figure out what course you need to chart, if any at all. Transgenderism breeds confusion but eventually you will figure things out. Know that you have a lot of friends here!

Debby

[MJ]

I can, however, answer a much easier question. Do I wish I was born a girl? Yes. Yes I do.

then do it simple.

But we all know it's just not that simple. would you be happy as a woman. then there is your world the world were everyone knows you as a guy that is what is causing the issues i have been were you are it's not easy but i do hope you can find within yourself the courage to be who you are.

[PretzelGirl]

Unfortunately, there is no easy way through this. From everything I hear from those transitioned, you will have no doubt if you need to transition. Anything short of that, and you want to be careful of your decisions. I know this isn't easy and it sure isn't fast. So my recommendation is to try to accept the bits and pieces as they come to you. Try to release the anxieties as much as you can and this can be by having many activities or possibly just setting your expectations. Keep coming on-line and letting it out like you are doing now. In my book, venting and releasing is one of the healthiest things you can do.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

scared, confused and obsessed...you are not alone in it Anne

to be transsexual is to have a life that is unlived...the people around you cannot comprehend this...not one bit...it's a shame because that only makes it harder...you feel like you are letting everyone down, but the tradeoff is your entire life..only YOU can live your life...

your thinking is quite common among people that are thinking of themselves as transsexual after a long time thinking otherwise..
avoiding the issue, compartmentalizing..etc...the way you are writing, the depression, these are signs that you are in the right place...

although i'm sure there are exceptions, one thing i noticed is that people who are fantasizing dont get depressed about it, and don't desperately wish this wasn't happening..

if you are avoiding thinking of yourself as a woman because it scares you, that's not a fantasy..

[Gennifer]

It sounds as though you are dealing with a lot, and I wanted you to know that like you, today was the first time I posted something in the transexual forum. I guess we are not alone. But I understand how hard it can be. It seems as though a lot of us are in this liminal state one way or another.

[*Andrea*]

Anne, I share the feelings with you. I have started therapy 10 days ago, had three session now. I have been deeply depressed for a couple of weeks about this and the advice I have gotten is to accept myself as I am, and to try not hiding my inner woman identity from myself. So now, I am letting my feminine self subtly integrate into my "regular/public/male" life, and now I feel more relaxed and comfortable.

[Melody Moore]

the advice I have gotten is to accept myself as I am, and to try not hiding my inner woman identity from myself. So now, I am letting my feminine self subtly integrate into my "regular/public/male" life, and now I feel more relaxed and comfortable.

This is something that you will find that most of us who are out can testify to, when you push
yourself out of that rut we all seem to be in prior to coming out, you will start to feel a whole lot
more relaxed and comfortable. I have never felt so free and at peace with myself ever before
even though I thought I was... err actually convinced myself into believing that I was "happy".

The bottom line was I couldn't be happy if I continued to be in denial and living a life that was
a total lie. I had conformed to everyone else's expectations and ideals, but despite that I still
wasn't complete as a person there was something always missing in me and that was the part
of me that I always repressed. Now I look back at how I was living my life prior to transition I
can't help but feel that everything about me was really fake. Now what you see is the real me.

Also prior to transition it was very hard for me to socialise and make new friends, I had become
shy and withdrawn to a fair degree, but I cannot get over how quickly that all changed after I
came out. My life before was purely an existence, but now it really feels like I have a life again.

So those are just a few things that changed for me after I just let true female spirit come out in me.

I got a great compliment yesterday from a natal woman who works for our local LGBT community
yesterday, she said to me "You know Melody, out of all the trans-women I have met, I find it really
hard with you to ever see that you were ever a male, I only ever see you as a female". I replied telling
her "If you truly are a woman on the inside and are prepared to let that come out, embrace it and
express it, then being accepted as a woman should be relatively easy". I went on to add "We grow
up around both masculine and feminine influences, so we don't necessarily have to go out of our way
to learn how to behave like a woman, gender expression comes from the heart and being a female
should come a lot more easily and naturally to you the more you accept who you really are".

[steph963]

I think it's fairly normal to be a bit scared and confused, i mean you are challenging a rather important aspect of your life.

Keep working with your psychologist, be honest with both yourself and your psychologist and you should be able to make sense of it all :)

[Sara Jessica]

Anne, you know my heart goes out to you. :hugs:


But am I transsexual? Or am I merely a simple crossdresser? Perhaps I am caught somewhere in between. I am unable to say.


And you don't need to find the answer immediately. I have reminded you several times that you are on a journey of introspection, one which takes time. You are blessed to already be in therapy. This forum will continue to be a source of information...and of frustration & confusion at times, as you discover Anne's place in this world. There is no rush.

I am here as a voice to validate a middle path should that be the road you take. Like you, I have a wife, children & career to consider. I cherish my family and have no choice but to consider them as I make fateful decisions about where this gender thing might lead to. There are some on the TS end of the spectrum who might question whether or not I'm a woman, yet I know what is in my mind and heart (isn't that the launching pad to justify transition in the first place?). Then on the other side of the fence the CD'er crowd might think I take this whole thing way too seriously. Matter of fact, I do. For no one in the real world would know a thing about my gender status (CD, TS or somewhere in-between) unless I told them. My conduct and presentation is not only out of absolute respect for women but also with thought towards those who live their dream full-time.


I have lost much focus within my life of late. I am clinically depressed. I am riding an emotional roller coaster. I am up, down, up, down, up, down. I feel sometimes that my head is simply going to explode, and the feeling is crippling and quite debilitating.

The loss of focus is all too common. I often fall victim to it.

Clinical depression is a consideration between you and your therapist but these intense gender issues sure seem like a pure form of depression at times. I have ridden this emotional rollercoaster all my life and frankly, it does get old. And through many years of marriage my relationship has seen parallel ups & downs that are directly tied to my gender issues. Through communicating with my wife, I have expressed that her and I really need to work through these issues once and for all so we don't spend the rest of our lives on such a rollercoaster. This doesn't mean I long for her participation. Instead, I am looking for a deeper understanding of my inner being. To know that the ways I push the envelope on a daily basis in terms of presentation are a means of coping rather than evidence that I am on some sort of slippery slope towards inevitable transition.

Those hours and/or days when I find that balance which allows me to be happy on this middle path are truly exquisite. Kaitlyn has called me out when I said balance can be fleeting but in response, I pointed out that finding balance doesn't mean the daily struggle disappears. It is a lifelong commitment to stay on a middle path that perhaps is akin to something like AA where you take things one day at a time. It's all we can do.


Methinks you've just made it out of the pink fog!

Pink Fog is a cute term & concept but IMHO, it's nothing more than an excuse for poor behavior and decisions. I truly perceive through Anne's writings that she is much more grounded than to blame this concept for bringing her to where she is now. I believe her steps will be measured as her journey continues.

BTW, the link to GRS regret tales is interesting. Another important story is that of Christine Daniels, the LA Times sportswriter who embarked on a very public transition, then de-transitioned and eventually took her own life. She was a friend of mine and I've written elsewhere that her tale should have cemented my resolve to avoid transition but the opposite happened after she passed away. I have since brought myself back to reality with her spirit really serving as a stabilizing influence. But I agree that these stories, as full of regret and/or tragedy as they might present, are minority examples and ignore the countless successful transitions that have been achieved.

But at what cost?

Loss of family/friends/career litter our community. For some, this is acceptable collateral damage as they embark on what they truly must do. But if you have any choice in the matter, if you can find happiness in balance without having to take such steps, then you will find support to follow that path.


Anne, I share the feelings with you. I have started therapy 10 days ago, had three session now. I have been deeply depressed for a couple of weeks about this and the advice I have gotten is to accept myself as I am, and to try not hiding my inner woman identity from myself. So now, I am letting my feminine self subtly integrate into my "regular/public/male" life, and now I feel more relaxed and comfortable.

This was a topic during a guided discussion at my support/social group last week. Everyone talked about how they integrate their feminine side in their male lives. Of course, many in the group who are full time in presentation or fully transitioned had different tales, some hearkening back to before they made such decisions but at the end of the day, it was very interesting to hear these varied tales. It's how we cope. It's how far you can push that envelope, a social experience that I am chest-deep in now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Anne!

I saw your recent post in the MTF section...hmmmm
....you are certainly in a state of back and forth

FYI sara , i appreciate the way you express ideas without judgement ..

i think you state the dilemma well..
either try to live a life that everyone expects of you, and suffer the day to day feelings ..risking the possibility that in the end, you will feel trapped and depressed,
or try to live a life that feels real to you all day, eliminate the day to day feelings of gender dissonance, but risk losing friends family and money...

in my case, i lost the money, but i mostly kept family and friends...we'll see in the future if i can be successful at work ...

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Anne speaking from my experience I know how you feel. I go through the same things, but know this to be true I am a woman not a man. I may look like a tank on the outside, but I am very delicate on the inside. We have been programmed to hide our female side to protect her from society's bigotry and fear of us. When we do finally come out it is at the most inoperatune time like a volcano erupting, but what a relief as we release ourselves from that burden. Take it day by day talk to a therapist and be honest with them and yourself. It is hard to open up after years of not knowing who to trust, who will run away, who will hate you, and who will embrace you. You are not alone here and You are loved for who you are!

Hugs

[MJ]

I may look like a tank on the outside, but I am very delicate on the inside. We have been programmed to hide our female side to protect her from society's bigotry and fear of us.
this is so very true

When we do finally come out it is at the most inoperatune time like a volcano erupting, but what a relief as we release ourselves from that burden.

It is hard to open up after years of not knowing who to trust, who will run away, who will hate you, and who will embrace you. You are not alone here and You are loved for who you are!

amazing post. i hope you can truly understand this. truth is you just don't know till you open up and come out to every one.

you have friends. brothers and sisters who care

[Anne2345]

Welcome to Club Confusion, Anne.

Thank you for this nice greeting and welcome to Club Confusion. How aptly identified and named . . . . LOL!


Anne, Take a deep breath,

<<inhale deeply, exhale, inhale deeply, exhale, inhale deeply, exhale>>.

Ok, that's better . . . . .



your thinking is quite common among people that are thinking of themselves as transsexual after a long time thinking otherwise.

This is precisely what I am afraid of . . . .



I think it's fairly normal to be a bit scared and confused, i mean you are challenging a rather important aspect of your life.

A rather important aspect, indeed . . . . :)



I truly perceive through Anne's writings that she is much more grounded than to blame this concept for bringing her to where she is now. I believe her steps will be measured as her journey continues.

As always, I really appreciate your confidence in me.


And you don't need to find the answer immediately. I have reminded you several times that you are on a journey of introspection, one which takes time. You are blessed to already be in therapy. This forum will continue to be a source of information...and of frustration & confusion at times, as you discover Anne's place in this world. There is no rush.

Of course, you are absolutely correct. I have experienced much emotion this year. Too much, actually. I have long been on emotional overload.

There is much to be said for taking one's time, acquiring a comfort level (in as much as there is a comfort level), before continuing on down the path, wherever that may lead. Breathe, right? I shall strive to do so . . . .


I saw your recent post in the MTF section...hmmmm
....you are certainly in a state of back and forth.

I would say you have no idea. But I know that is not true. And then some . . . . But as you said in your earlier response, for those that have not experienced these issues, they cannot understand. And it makes it very difficult . . . .


We have been programmed to hide our female side to protect her from society's bigotry and fear of us. When we do finally come out it is at the most inoperatune time like a volcano erupting, but what a relief as we release ourselves from that burden. Take it day by day talk to a therapist and be honest with them and yourself. It is hard to open up after years of not knowing who to trust, who will run away, who will hate you, and who will embrace you.

Very well stated. And all the scarier due to the truth of the matter . . . .


You are not alone here and You are loved for who you are!

Thank you sooooo much! :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It is hard to open up after years of not knowing who to trust, who will run away, who will hate you, and who will embrace you. You are not alone here and You are loved for who you are!

Hugs

..................:hugs:

[Torrey]

I no longer know who I am. I thought I knew who I was, but apparently the reality of who I am is at odds with how I have perceived myself in the past.

I have lost much focus within my life of late. I am clinically depressed. I am riding an emotional roller coaster. I am up, down, up, down, up, down. I feel sometimes that my head is simply going to explode, and the feeling is crippling and quite debilitating.

Do I want to be a woman? I cannot say. I cannot bring myself to speak out loud an answer.

I'm just guessing here Anne (and as far as experience & expertise is concerned, I would certainly defer to Melody, Sara, Kaitlyn, MJ, and all the others)...but I will submit that you won't get to answering the first question until you answer the last. Why might you not want to say it out loud? It makes it real, definitive.

I tried to fool myself for a time, even on the forum, by only visiting the boards cloaked in the "pink fog." Unfortunately, I was not feeling as much satisfaction in the pithy, humorous, and otherwise light-hearted (all good in their own right) comments. It is even easy to distract yourself from real issues by dealing with imagined ones on a somewhat anonymous site. I am glad to see you have migrated (using an old newspaper term) "below the fold." It just feels more real to me. Maybe you'll feel the same.

So, I will just close with this: as much as I'd like one, there is no playbook for us. Probably because we would need as many as there are individuals here. The "drifting" is probably causing you a bit of discomfort, so consider putting your oar in the water, even if you're not ready to paddle-you can still steer.

I'll be here for you.

Hugs,
Torrey

[Inna]

Hi Anne, Thoughts Thoughts Thoughts, never ending stream of minds language trying to interpret what is important and what isn't. BUT, who you are isn't there......................
No, self doesn't reside in the intellect but in your heart.

I show you the difference:
Throughout our life, interactions with the environment, will it be friends, parents, church, society tell us who we SHOULD be, and how we should behave accordingly to be tolerated!!!!

Almost always ability to feel SELF is diminished and feeling of WHOLE is lost. Hence prominence of psycho-therapy and generally speaking, mildly depressive state we call day to day living.

In our case however, ability to feel the underlying truth is more apparent then the regular, non gender fluid person, It just is more striking of a difference between feeling of femininity and what we learned to call our self, masculine behavior!

Try to quiet down the constant gibberish of your mind, slow down your pace, and listen to your heart, not that hard, really, but we often don't practice such on day to day basis.

You are here, asking questions................wonderful, welcome to not so crazy, slightly dysfunctional Transsexual family, Love, Inna!

[Anne2345]

Try to quiet down the constant gibberish of your mind

This is exactly my problem! Like right now, for instance. My mind just will not shut the F up, and it is driving me crazy! It is mentally exhausting and draining, and taking a toll. Earlier today, I posted a few light-hearted, fun responses to this or that. It was nice to do so, and fun. The past couple of hours it has been a complete 180. Up, down, up, down, and my mind simply does not stop thinking. Every single day it has been like this. If I could have even one day free of this, where I do not think about crossdressing or gender issues, it would be really nice. And that, in part, is why I took a "break" from this forum recently. I had actually intended on staying away from here longer. That really worked out well for me, huh? LOL! And before anyone says it, yes, I recognize that that was a silly plan, doomed to failure at its inception, and a terrible plan regardless. But still . . . . If I thought it would help, I would just scream as loud and long as I could. I may do so anyways . . . . I suppose it couldn't hurt. :straightface:


Your posts suggest you are mentally frantic, and in no state to see anything clearly. STOP trying to solve everything right now. It is not a mental process that has a tick box. You do NOT have to make any decision about anything. You do not have to declare yourself this that or anything else.

I would say "mentally frantic" is absolutely accurate. But, I will not do anything out of character, or put myself into any awkward or compromising situations. I recognize that things will get better, and things will eventually fall into place. It will just take some work . . . . Until then, I will continue on, and steer clear from rash or spur of the moment decisions or admissions. And I will hope that my head doesn't explode in the meantime . . . .



"If it quacks like a duck and it walks like a duck....The chances are it's just that guy that likes dressing as a duck."

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

[Inna]

Anne, you have mentioned therapy. Is that Gender Therapy or just your basic "personal therapist" as required by today's societal and fashion tendencies ;)?

From what I am hearing here you say, I am trending towards one side, but such observation could be misguided.

[Maiko Newhalf]

Thank you amelia. For posting the link to Lynn Conway's website. I heard about her but never knew that she had such a great website. Thanks for sharing!

[Melody Moore]

Yes Anne, follow your heart and don't listen to what anyone is telling you here. Especially the CDers just trying to complicate
and confuse the issues even more. Find yourself a therapist and move forward in whatever direction you need to go that way.

I had crossdressers who tried talking me out of transition when in fact it was the best
decision I could have ever made that got me out of that mentally frantic state of mind.

What the CDers are also ignoring is the fact you have tried to accept yourself as a CDer
but you know yourself that isn't working for you and this why I think there is something
there that you need to be talking to a therapist about to make the best decisions here.

[Anne2345]

You are here, asking questions................wonderful, welcome to not so crazy, slightly dysfunctional Transsexual family, Love, Inna!

I must admit, since I read this response earlier today, this quote in particular has really stuck with me . . . .

To be welcomed into the "Transsexual family" is not something that was consciously on my radar screen when I joined CDers.com earlier this year. In fact, in so far as the site is concerned, it was the last thing I expected to happen. Or rather, perhaps, it simply did not occur to me that it was a possibility. Of course, I joined for a reason, and that reason had to do with an unknown necessity.

Although, as I stated in the OP, I am either unsure of who or what I am, or unwilling at this point to admit to who and what I am, I am very much thankful for the warm reception, welcome, and love I have received since posting.

Despite all of the unknowns and the confusion, I believe I have done the right thing in so coming here and presenting myself. Actually, I feel relieved that I have done so . . . .

"Club Confusion," huh? I love it! Absolutely love it! :facepalm:

Anne :)