On the edge

[Natalie x]

Sorry, this is an outpouring. I'm not suicidal, but I am struggling to deal with my life at the moment.

On the surface, I guess I have it better than most of you. I live alone, so I can dress when I like, even get out occasionally. Although I'm not well off, financially, I have enough to get by and treat myself once in a while. I live in a nice flat in a nice block in a nice location.

But I am male; when I look in the mirror, what I see is just an ugly, old man. But it's as though my eyes are lying to me. I shouldn't look like that, I should be a woman. Last night I dreamt that I looked in a mirror and saw the real me, my feminine self. It was the first time I've ever seen myself as I should be; it wasn't my everyday face made up to try to look feminine, which I'm used to seeing, it was the face of the woman that lives inside me. Not an outstanding face, but I knew it was how I should look.

Today, after work, I looked in the mirror as I dressed and put on my wig; I wanted to cry; honestly, my eyes are hurting now as I hold it back. Who is that person? Where has the woman gone? What cruel trick of the gods is this that revealed this part of me now, too late in life to do anything much about it? I hate being old, but most of all I hate being a f***ing man!

I know I'm not alone in this. Many of you feel the same, and many have much worse problems to deal with than I do. This is just me feeling sorry for myself and sharing it with my lovely sisters. And I'm not looking for reassurances about looks or anything. I'm just adding my little perspective to the great CD debate, trying to explain how things look through one pair of eyes.

[clairelowe83]

hi grace,
obviously theres quite an age difference between me & you- but i totally see where you're coming from. it's something all of us feel from time to time, i might see a woman in the mirror but in photos its a diffrent matter, i only see my masculine side.
im a pre-op TS (a LONG way off surgery) & the one thing i've learnt is to be patient & to change things gradually. i'd advise you to do the same, just change little things about your appearance/mannerisms, etc...they all add up eventually. if you're unhappy with having facial hair have laser treatment on it at a specialist (they wont judge you), it's reasonably cheap (mine cost £90 per session...every 4-8 weeks depending). eliminating facial hair is one step towards feeling better about yourself.
are you happy being CD or would you like to transition fully?

claire x

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Grace.

I grok. There *are* days, aren't there? Sometimes it helps just to let it out.

*BIG WARM HUGGLES* to you.

[Nyx]

Well, it's never too late to do a transition I suppose, if that's really what you want. But you seem quite lonely to me. Maybe what you really need is a group of friends. Although it might be difficult to find a group of accepting GGs in your age range (but you never know, maybe they've got more accepting with age).

I am about a third of your age, but I can imagine how it feels to be old. I already wish I could have stayed a teenager. I also know how it feels when you have the conviction you're in the wrong body. But just remember it's what's inside that counts. Maybe you should focus on who you are, as a human being, and what defines you.

I wish I was a girl, and I wish I was a beautiful girl. But I know that it might never happen. Transition is already a bit too many compromises for me. I also know that if I became a woman, I might not win any beauty competitions. But I don't lose hope. I try to see the positive side of things. I know I'm a good person and I can accomplish great things.

And you might be old, but you're still alive, and I'm sure that in the time you have, which may be a long time (you might live past 100, who knows), you could do alot in your free time. I find having a good hobby makes you feel less lonely ;)

[Natalie x]

Thanks, Claire

I would really like to transition, but SRS is not an option; at my age there would be little real benefit, huge cost and significant risk in such drastic surgery. For my sanity's sake, though, I need to take steps towards a more feminine state.

I am having twice-weekly electrolysis sessions on my face. Ironically, that is part of the problem at the moment, because I have to let the beard/mustache grow, so that there is some hair for them to work on. Consequently, I look hairy for most of the week.
:mad:
Hormones are, I think, the best option, but I don't know anyone qualified to advise me and set up a programme. I've been taking herbals, without any noticeable results, and have decided to stop them
:confused:
And, looking at it realistically, what can I achieve? I'm too old to stand any real chance of success. I have always been able to "deal with" things in my life before, but this time I don't have the tools; how do you turn back the clock?

There I go, whingeing again! :mad:

Thanks for your reply
xx

[Natalie x]

Thanks, Steph xxxx ....

... and Nyx - I think we are going through a similar stage, though at different times in our lives! xxxx

[Vaerise]

Hi Grace

I just wanted to say, its good that you have chosen to share this with us. Bottling up this kind of emotion with no one to turn to and talk to can be very depressing and has almost lead me to feel suicidal on most occasions.
If it makes you feel better, you are not alone, we are all here for the support.

I also wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from, I shared similar experiences as well. I too stare into the mirror and always hated what I see in the mirror. Each and everytime I see and hear a real genetic girl, I envied them so much. This is why I hated talking so much, I really dislike hearing my own male voice and seeing my male self.

One thing I do regretted was that I did not knew much about being able to transition when I was younger. Had I knew the possibilities, I would have started taking hormones at the age of 16.
Even though I dont consider myself a transexual, I never truly considered myself male at all, it was only recently this year that the feminine feelings became so strong, that I can no longer suppress or ignore it.

Anyway, I have rambled on too much. I do hope that you will be able to find what you seek and gain the acceptance of yourself.
Do take care!

[Star]

Dear Grace,

You are not old and you are beautiful so stop being down on yourself! We are all in this together sis.

love

[Deborah_UK]

Grace,

I know exactly what you are going through. I was in much the same state when I started a thread a couple of weeks back, entitled "suicide", and am frequently in that depressive state.

I can only offer words of comfort and re-assurance that you are not alone in your feelings - whether re-assurance is the right word I doubt though, and whether its any comfort is another matter.

Every day I wake up I put on a mask to the world, the world sees me - a bloke, very much a bloke's bloke - despite the hairless arms, the narrow eyebrows, the occasional mascara'd eyelashes. No-one sees anything but the mask of maleness. I hate every day but I somehow get through thinking that one day the mask might drop.

Perhaps the only comfort and re-assurance is the fact that (to coin the website name) U R Not Alone. Pre-internet, wallowing in self-pity could possibly have led to suicide, but having others in a similar situation, with whom you can share thoughts and feelings, helps lift that shroud - even if its for a short while. Knowing that others do care, even from the other side of an internet keyboard, makes things slightly better.

Thinking of you Grace

*hugs*

Deborah

[clairelowe83]

Hormones are, I think, the best option, but I don't know anyone qualified to advise me and set up a programme. I've been taking herbals, without any noticeable results, and have decided to stop them
:confused:
And, looking at it realistically, what can I achieve? I'm too old to stand any real chance of success. I have always been able to "deal with" things in my life before, but this time I don't have the tools; how do you turn back the clock?


herbals are a waste of money/time, they don't work. why don't you try estradiol & spiro? (you can buy them for the same price as herbals on the internet, PM me i'f you're interested).
fair enough, they aren't a miracle cure- but they will help your well being a great deal, and you will see some results at least.

i understand that you dont wanna transition (fully), but have a look on tsroadmap.com and take what you need from there, get a plan together, do your homework ;)

and hun, there are people who transition older then you...no excuses!
lolz

take care, claire x

[Natalie x]

Thanks everyone. Hey, at least we have each other, don't we? I know I wouldn't have survived this long, let alone have progressed as far as I have, if I had not found CD forums and all my beautiful friends here.

I placed an order 10 days ago with www.inhousepharmacy.co.uk (http://www.inhousepharmacy.co.uk) for estradiol and spironolactone. I'm just waiting for the VAT people to clear the order. If I got a pair of real tits I'd feel a bit better!

And on that note, how do you girls feel about wigs and breastforms? I've got them, and they help with "the look", but I'm not satisfied. I'm not a perfectionist, by any measure, but I can't feel like a woman if I know it's all artificial. I want my own long hair and a real pair of boobs. Does anybody else feel the same?

Hmm, then I guess I will want a little snip snip down there next! Ooops!

[Deborah]

I'm right there with ya Sis. Some days are better then others though. I just try to keep busy which isn't to hard and think about other things.

[Stormgirl]

Hang in there

http://is.rely.net/1-152-33540-l-XLj0r4FLTkRALSncWOjjg.jpg

[Ericka]

As if you were me, as if God created so many people alike, we all feel your pain, we too have scars in our hearts, the ones that no plastic surgeons can fix, I remember looking my self in the mirror years back, all I had to do was putting on a wig and look like a real female, now days is getting harder, now that my feminine side is taking over I wish I did something then, you know, I often wonder, Is it God testing us? are we being tested for the next stage? and what is the next stage? will we someday be real women? Why is it happening to me?


Anyway, I wish you the best, and hang in there.


Love, Ericka

[Chelsea]

Hi Grace,
Reading your post brought a few tears to my own eyes because I understand that pain. Keep your eyes fixed on that sweet girl inside and not on the mocking mirror. Life is cruel, but thats why we use this site, to love and support each other. Theres alot of use here that can see the "REAL" you and we real do love you! Hang in there girl ! When life gets to you just remember that we are more than friends, we are family!
Luv Chelsea

[Stlalice]

Grace,

For many in the MTF transsexual community having SRS is the ultimate dream. For many it is a dream that they may never achieve and this in no way makes them any less a woman than than some one born genetically female or who has had SRS. What truly matters is whats between your ears - how you view yourself - how you choose to live and present yourself to the world. Think of SRS as being the icing on the cake - not the cake itself. It has been said that living well is the best revenge - and few have the courage to live and face life as we must from day to day. So hang in there girl - be proud of who and what you are - begining HRT and having electrolysis are major steps on your journey. Give the real life test a shot - live the life - be proud - and know you have been true to that beautiful person that you are within. Feel free to PM me if you need or want to talk. :angel: :angel:

[Natalie x]

Thanks, darling sisters, you are so good for me. Let's get pissed:cheers:

[Kim E]

Grace ~
Sorry I'm late in replying but I just found this thread. I hope you are doing well. You and I are a lot alike and are facing many of the same issues. I'm 62 years old and I have felt strongly TG since I was a teen. The other morning I was putting on my face and stood looking in the mirror just staring at the wrinkles and a couple more spots of skin cancer that I got to have removed. It just startled me because it didn't look like me in the mirror. I live alone and am retired and have no pressures or stress to speak of. I'm at the point that I'm free to continue counseling and to start transitioning. I live 75 percent of the time as a female since I retired. I suddenly realized that its foolish for me to pursue SRS, FFS or HRT. Its too late for me. Afraid that life passed me by. I was born too early. If I were 20 or 30 I would have a chance but not now.
It was a shocking revelation that I had to come to grips with. But its true.
I guess all I can do is to continue doing as I have been doing. Accepting me as who I am, being realistic, and keeping myself as happy, sane and content as I can. I can't change time or my circumstances but at least I can be honest with myself and try to stay happy and at peace with myself.
Please stay safe and know you are not alone in this.

Luv ~ Kim

[MandyTS]

It must be real hard and I emphesis with you about what you are feeling. I made a very simular post in the MTF forum about insites relating to being a true transperson (the title I perfer over TS which people label me). I am 23 years old and I look about 18. I never had the "pleasure" of going through puberty as a male and I can never say I really am a guy.

I look in the mirror everyday and see the girl inside of me. I have the skin, soft and subtile, unmolested by evil facial hair or the effects of testosterone, the medium length growing hair, the little tiny mounds on my chest from years of having more estrogen than testosterone. Wigs are fake, breast forms are fake. Clothing is just a muse to show what is going on inside. I am a woman, I always have been, since conception.

I have begun a long term transistioning period, 3 - 4 years until RLT. I am having my few (very few like 10 - 15 max) facial hairs removed and having evil stomach hair removed. I am on a quest to loose 40 pounds (to low ideal weight). Every day I see this ambigious thing in the mirror, neither man or woman, but a kid, a young kid looking back at me. I take solace in that I am on my way to define myself, the way the doctors wanted when I was younger, the way my heart feels. It is not about makeup, clothing, hair, ... it is about what you feel inside, whether you are a man, woman or something else.

I am 6'6" and a large frame and I will be the woman I have been since birth in a short 3 - 4 years. If I can transistion surly you can, you are never too old to be yourself...

Good luck and let us know!
Mandy

[Natalie x]

To everyone who posted here, thank you for your sweet thoughts, you helped me through a rough patch. Good luck in your own journeys.

Love and hugs, Grace
xx