I feel alone . . . .

[Anne2345]

I am struggling mightily with the confusion and uncertainty I am experiencing over my identity. Much of late, I do not know up from down, left from right, or forwards from backwards. Although my eyes are open, I am unsure of what I am looking at. I am unsure of my feelings and emotions. I cannot quiet all of the turbulent thoughts racing relentlessly through my head. My confidence is shot, and I am desperate.

But perhaps worse, much worse, is the profound sense of loneliness I feel. I feel alone. I feel terribly, intensely alone. I feel as if I have been sentenced to solitary confinement.

Although I am surrounded by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors, they cannot possibly understand this. Not this. And I cannot tell them. Not this. Not now.

It hurts much to feel so alone in the midst of so many people. The pain is gut wrenching and merciless. I find myself tearing up and needing to cry at seemingly random moments. I try hard to keep my composure, but I am not always successful. I am shaking. I am in pain. I hurt. And I want it to stop.

You all have told me that I am not alone. I hear your words. I feel the compassion, love, and fellowship you offer. I want to believe you are telling me the truth. My heart tells me that you are, and it brings me much joy, warmth, and comfort. But my mind still struggles with the belief, and I still feel despairingly and painfully alone.

I know many of you here understand what I am attempting to articulate. I need to know that it can and will get better. I want to believe this, and I need to have faith that it will.

[Stephenie S]

It will get better when you stop hiding this part of you and let others in. You are alone because you are choosing to be alone.

"Although I am surrounded by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors, they cannot possibly understand this. Not this. And I cannot tell them. Not this. Not now."

Here is your key, dear. Why do you have such a low opinion of everyone else? Why do you think YOU and YOU ALONE are able to handle this issue? Let someone else in. Share. Until you do, you will be lonely.

S

[Anne2345]

Why do you have such a low opinion of everyone else? Why do you think YOU and YOU ALONE are able to handle this issue? Let someone else in. Share.

Share what? That I am unsure of who and what I am? That I may be transsexual, but at the very least, that I am a committed, full-blown, life-long crossdresser that is very much feminine on the inside? Yes, I would like to do this, if we lived in an ideal, non-judgemental, and discrimination-free world. I have a family, a career, and a circle of friends. I live in a socially conservative community. Much of the world is socially conservative in so far as this is concerned. So yes, I do have a low opinion of much of society on this issue. My community in particular. And at the end of the day, if I am having difficulties understanding and accepting myself, how can I possibly have any hope that those who are completely ignorant of these issues would be understanding and accepting of me? I have worked hard for the education, career, and family I have. In the face of the risk associated with losing all that I have worked for, I cannot and will not throw it away simply to assuage my loneliness. Not when I myself am unable to answer my own questions. So telling others around me, is that really what I should do? Or is there another path to be taken? And yes, I am currently in much needed therapy over this . . . .

In so far as thinking that I, and I alone, am the only one that can handle this issue. You have misunderstood my post. I cannot handle this alone. That is the reason why I am here . . . .

[Joanna41]

Dearest Anne...

Let me start by saying that I can't imagine what your having to deal with internally since I don't and haven't ever felt like you currently do. However with that said many people here feel as they are alone and this is a community of people who are here to be crutches for those that are needing one. We have corresponded privately so you already know that my words are sincere. We here are your family away from your family. I'm not a psychologist by any means but I know that sometimes when you can confide in someone you trust your secrets to it opens different doors that may not have been there before. A non Dr perspective can be eye opening for some. I don't like to push myself into personal lives of others, but you can message me anytime. Hope and I are here to listen and help in any way we can.

Joanna

[Stephenie S]

But dear, WE can't solve your loneliness problem. Only you and those around you can.

What I want you to share is your confusion. Share your doubts, your hesitancies, your worries. I am not advocating you emerge, full blown, from your cocoon. Just open up a bit. Share your dissatisfaction with how things are now.

You say you are a lifelong, full blown crossdresser who feels feminine on the inside? Just what do you know about femininity? Crossdressing is not femininity. Crossdressing is a guy in a dress. Learn women's history. Learn women's troubles. Read. Study. Learn. We live in an incredibly patriarchal society. A society that feels that rape, both literally and figuratively, is OK. A society that both hates and fears women, and is desperate to remain in control. This is what femininity is all about. Not pretty clothes.

If you are unwilling to threaten the loss of all of your male privilege by even mentioning your doubts about who you are, then I hold out little hope for you. Continue your crossdressing. It's fun, right? Enjoy it. But if you think you may want to BE a woman, then it would behoove you to learn a bit more about just what that means.

S

[jillleanne]

Anne, I would love to chat with you on this if you like. I have been through all what you say here and maybe my experiences will help you in some small way. Just pm me if you decide you would like to chat.
Jill

[Eileen]

Anne have you talked with a therapist? If you have and are not receiving the help you need, perhaps you need to find a new therapist. To feel as you describe is very unhealthy and you need to seek professional help for someone specializing in gender identity issues.

[kellycan27]

You need professional help, and until you get it.. you are going to be stuck in limbo. Before you can fix anything you need to know what it is that needs fixing. All the advice in the world isn't going to help if you don't understand what needs fixing. You are alone. All the advice and head patting may bring you comfort while your sitting in front of your computer, but once you shut it off.. all the advice and head patting along with three bucks may get you a decent cup of coffee.

[Dora Faye]

Hey if I looked the way you do I'd take the problems. ;) Consider yourself blessed.

[Kathi Lake]

Anne, my questions are, like me, very simple;

Do you really need to know?

Do you really need to know now?

Why do you need to know? In my case, I am still unsure on who and what I am. You know what? I don't let that bother me too much. Call me silly, but the life I have now, I love. Could it be a better life if I went off and had a little work done? Sure. Possibly. Then again, it may be one of the worst decisions I had ever made. I am not willing, at this point, to give up what is for what might be. I'm not usually the pragmatic type, but in this case, the known will suffice against the big black hole that is the unknown.

Why do you need to know now? Call me one of those "Life is a journey . . ." kinda flakes, but my journey thus far has been one of joy and pain, insight and emptiness, confusion and ah-ha moments. I wouldn't change any of it. I love the person I am now, and therefore cannot condemn my past. The answers will come. I will be ready for them when I am ready for them (and yes - I am that pathologically boring and 'normal').

Finally, as some have mentioned, you are alone only because you choose to be. Find someone trustworthy with whom you can take the risk of opening up yourself to. A big step? Yeah! Whether this person is a professional, as Kelly mentioned (trust her - she rocks!), or a close friend as Joanna spoke of, find someone.

Of course, you know that we will offer what help we can from here. It's not the greatest having a friendship via 'remote control' but we'll do what we can.

:)

Kathi

[ReineD]

Anne, is there any possible way you can go out dressed, even if it is in the next town over?

I'm thinking about beginning to frequent certain places on a regular basis, where you can get to know the people there. Lunch places. Starbucks. Some shops. Bookstores.

If you had people in your life who knew you as Anne, perhaps you wouldn't feel as lonely?

[ameliabee]

I'm totally with Stephenie on this one.

The full force of misogyny hitting me was a huge shock. Male privilege is really bleeping convenient! Are you ready to flush it down the toilet?

Once you become a second class citizen, your needs just don't seem nearly as important anymore. Loneliness included.

[Anne2345]

You need professional help, and until you get it.. you are going to be stuck in limbo. Before you can fix anything you need to know what it is that needs fixing. All the advice in the world isn't going to help if you don't understand what needs fixing. You are alone. All the advice and head patting may bring you comfort while your sitting in front of your computer, but once you shut it off.. all the advice and head patting along with three bucks may get you a decent cup of coffee.

I am receiving professional therapy. Which is why I am in this predicament in the first place. I have learned too much about myself, and have been too honest. But the thing is, despite it all, I fear that I have not been honest enough. What's that saying about ignorance being bliss? Of course, I am kidding about igorance. Kind of . . . . But obviously I wouldn't have sought out therapy in the first place if there was not a need. As for the remainder of your response, you are absolutely correct . . . .


Hey if I looked the way you do I'd take the problems. ;) Consider yourself blessed.

I love you!!!! That's the best response EVER!!!! :):):)



Do you really need to know?

Do you really need to know now?

Honestly, I would prefer not to know. I would prefer to just sit back, relax, enjoy, and not worry about things. The last thing I want is to feel the way I do. I do not want to be obsessed with this. If there was an on/off switch in my brain, I would happily and without a second thought turn it "off." And that is part of my confusion - why can't I do this? Why can't I just leave it alone, move on, and deal with it and life as it comes? I have been able to do this in the past. Why not now? Why is this so intense? Why can't I just tune it out and focus on other things? It seems like it should be a simple thing to do. My mind is not without discipline, structure, control, and reason. And yet, here I am, just fighting to keep it together. It doesn't make sense to me.


If you had people in your life who knew you as Anne, perhaps you wouldn't feel as lonely?


It will get better when you stop hiding this part of you and let others in.

I admit, I can at times be completely blind to the obvious, or too stubborn to acknowledge a simple truth such as this. And I have simply been too afraid to even consider something such as this. The walls that I erected years and years ago that have been so solid and unyielding throughout my adult life have been showing some serious cracks in them lately, considering some of the things I have done in recent months. I know I want more. I know I need more. I just do not want those cracks to become wide opened floodgates overnight . . . .

[rachaelsloane]

"You all have told me that I am not alone. I hear your words. I feel the compassion, love, and fellowship you offer. I want to believe you are telling me the truth. My heart tells me that you are, and it brings me much joy, warmth, and comfort. But my mind still struggles with the belief, and I still feel despairingly and painfully alone."

Anne,
We are here for you, although it is not the same as being face to face. You have come a long way in a very short time and I understand you want more "NOW". Best to take the next step slowly and find a group even if it is out of town (PM me) and
and get out as Anne to experience that which you have only imagined. I'm sure you've told your daughter this, go slow-do not run.
Always,
Rachael

[Aprilrain]

I am struggling mightily with the confusion and uncertainty I am experiencing over my identity. Much of late, I do not know up from down, left from right, or forwards from backwards. Although my eyes are open, I am unsure of what I am looking at. I am unsure of my feelings and emotions. I cannot quiet all of the turbulent thoughts racing relentlessly through my head. My confidence is shot, and I am desperate.

But perhaps worse, much worse, is the profound sense of loneliness I feel. I feel alone. I feel terribly, intensely alone. I feel as if I have been sentenced to solitary confinement.

wow, you just described my day and everyone knows about me!

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I understand exactly and it is a very hard to cope with this loneliness, confusion, emotional upheaval. I am from Australia and unfortunately I was brought up with a belief that one does not need a therapist. Even at my age I do not even know what a therapist does except for a physio therapist. Stupid? maybe but from my area it was and is considered to be a sign of weakness to have any emotional problems. I have an Uncle who saw my SL avatar, it is female and I was subjected to a barrage of harsh comments about why I would want to impersonate a female and that I am a male and must be a male.
So I understand that is is so very hard not to feel alone especially when your emotions are oscillating. I have no idea how long this will last, but if it is any comfort there are others too suffering in silence.
At least this forum and the members do alleviate some of the hurt you may feel and there is a family like atmosphere that helps us all learn more about ourselves. Take care :))

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the loneliness is real..transsexualism IS loneliness..being inside a house, with your loving family and feeling alone is a terrible feeling..i have felt this feeling.
all we can do with the loneliness is to keep you company in it..
all you can do is figure out what you are going to do about it...btw...i'm not really assuming or asserting what you are ...just making a comment about ts people

...i think its helpful to say step back, there is no rush, but if a person has not felt the intensity of the type of gender dysphoria that transsexuals feel sometimes, it is well meaning advice that won't help you..you can't step back from it...

it is also possible that you have just wrapped yourself into knots over how badly you want to crossdress..and that's certainly something to explore, (and hope for..hehe)

but
"Why?" and "Why me?" are diabolically designed, unanswerable questions that are designed to torture you..

[Anne2345]

i think its helpful to say step back, there is no rush, but if a person has not felt the intensity of the type of gender dysphoria that transsexuals feel sometimes, it is well meaning advice that won't help you..you can't step back from it...


This is what I have needed to hear. This is what I have needed to know I am not alone in. This is the cause of me thinking I am losing my mind and going crazy.

It is the intensity of it all. The intensity of my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. The intensity is unbelievably raw, powerful, and crippling.

I have received much well-intentioned advice to just calm down, take it easy, relax, slow down, stop thinking about it, etc. But I cannot. Because it is too intense.

My psychologist opined a while back that I am gender dysphoric. She has slowly and methodically been leading me down a path, waiting for me to recognize what is before me, and allowing me to come to my own conclusions and realizations. I have said this repeatedly, I either have yet to figure out who and what I am, or I am simply unwilling to recognize it yet. But the intensity is there, and it is brutal in its execution.

I want nothing more than to relax, take it easy, step back, move away, forget about it, or simply to just not think about it for one day. And yet, I cannot.

But this is what I needed to hear. I cannot express enough the relief I feel right now that another person understands the intensity, and the seemingly impossible task of stepping away from it. Rationally, I am very much aware that I am far from alone in experiencing such feelings, but I needed to hear it.

[ReineD]

Once you become a second class citizen, your needs just don't seem nearly as important anymore. Loneliness included.

LOL. I won't take exception to this, because I know you didn't mean it maliciously. :hugs:


But, um ..... who are you calling second class? :bitchslap: :D

[Melody Moore]

Hi Anne,

as you know I have made some posts and I have been following your threads with a lot of interests and was
going to say that the feelings of loneliness is something that I think you will find has affected most of us. I
have felt that going back as far as I can remember and there was many different things I did to repress it.

Anyway, getting back to your situation, I think it is really good that you have a therapist that seems pretty
switched on. From what I am reading here I also think that you are experiencing high levels of gender dysphoria
which is really affecting your moods and making it so hard for you to step away from it - which is fine if you
can do that, but as you know that is a lot easier said than done.

While I can't speak for anyone else, in the end I couldn't keep running from it because it was only a matter of
time before it would come back to haunt me again and I would end up on the roller coaster ride again with my
emotions. Eventually I ran out of excuses and effective ways I could repress my gender conflicts and I was left
with only one logical solution and that was to try accepting that I was a trans woman and see what transpired.

Within one week of being on hormones the gender dysphoria disappeared, it was replaced with a euphoria
where I truly felt that I had been set totally free. The angst I use to experience from having androgens
in my body that caused the high levels of anxiety and all my frustrations was gone and I cannot get over
how truly wonderful life has really been for me. Yes there was some causalities with the loss of some family
and friends. But I also don't think that all are lost forever either, some just need time to come around after
having time and space to slowly digest and learn to understand these things. My adult aged kids rejected me
but now I am seeing signs of a change of attitude. But I won't push it, I will let them come back to me in time.

It was hard for me, but I really had no choice in it. it just got to a point there I had to make some difficult decisions
and not one of them seemed to be really fair to others who cared about me. I felt guilty for having to do what I did,
but the choice was either to transition, or end up in one great big train wreck with my life anyway and what made it
much worse my health was starting to fail miserably. My gender dysphoria created this situation where it almost feels
like a gun was being held to my head and I was just told to "Do it or die and that there was no other way out of it.

Anyway Anne, one thing I wanted to say was that I checked some of your photos and I really don't think you will have
too many problems at all being accepted in your socially conservative part of the world. You look mighty fine as a woman
and I believe that you will have an easier time if you do decide to transition than a lot of other people I know.
So good luck with it all, I hope you find a way to get out of this vortex you are caught up in right now. :hugs:

and that is what I also think about when I read your story. It seems that you are
on a collision course towards that seemingly unavoidable train wreck in your life and I really don't know what to
say to help you.

[ameliabee]

LOL. I won't take exception to this, because I know you didn't mean it maliciously. :hugs:


But, um ..... who are you calling second class? :bitchslap: :D

I don't believe that any person is second class. Unfortunately, the powers that be have a way of treating us as such.

[JennyA]

My transgenderism has been with me forever, but it got "intense" the months leading up to 30. it gets intense from time to time, i keep telling myself that i'm not doing enough, or keep getting obsessed over all these crazy surgeries i can't afford.

i'm totally alone too. it makes me so sad because I know how awesome of a person I am and how happy I could make another female

[ReineD]

I don't believe that any person is second class. Unfortunately, the powers that be have a way of treating us as such.

I know ... I was razzing ya! And also, hopefully bring a smile to Anne's face. :hugs:

[Inna]

Hey there, YES you do feel alone, and alone you feel.......................for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

This is the first time you have truly opened your eyes and now you are looking at the strange world, confused and broken. Broken, empty, scarred, but you are at the desert for a reason.
There is no birth, No creation without PAIN, when mother gives birth to her child, she screams in agony, and yet she smiles when child emerges and life had begun its journey. Yes, you are being born, Yes it hurts like hell, and this is not over, but isn't it the most wonderful of events!!!!!!!

You must spent some time in the desert, face your own demons, cast them out, ALONE you shell feel, but the truth is your companion, love is your beacon of hope. Don't be afraid, if you collapse, she will carry you, if you cry, she will catch your tears, give your struggling self up, give it all up, what sense is there to hold on to the lie, none!

Love, Inna

[Rianna Humble]

My psychologist opined a while back that I am gender dysphoric. She has slowly and methodically been leading me down a path, waiting for me to recognize what is before me, and allowing me to come to my own conclusions and realizations. I have said this repeatedly, I either have yet to figure out who and what I am, or I am simply unwilling to recognize it yet. But the intensity is there, and it is brutal in its execution.

If your psychologist has recognise that you are suffering from Gender Dysphoria, she should be doing much more than just waiting for you to recognise something. I don't believe that you are unwilling to recognise who and what you are, but the dysphoria is swamping your ability to see a clear way forward.

At this point, you may or may not be transsexual, but in my not so humble opinion that is not what is most important. Right now you need some professional support to allow you to cope with the dysphoria until you can think clearly enough to work out who you are. Do you think that this psychologist is prepared to offer you that kind of support?

Pet Peeve: I have a real issue with people who classify you me or someone else as gender dysphoric or diabetic or any other ic. We are not ics, we are people suffering from an ailment (in my case 2 - Gender Dysphoria and Diabetes), on more than one occasion I have told a health professional that they will be of much more use to me if they realise that I am not defined by the ailment for which I want them to treat me, I am a whole person.

Why am I saying this? Because I believe that as long as your psy dismisses you as being Gender Dysphoric and doesn't treat you as a whole person who needs support to overcome your dysphoria, she will fail to give you the help that you need.

Is there a transgender support group near enough for you to go along from time to time? If so, that may help because you will be able to talk to people who at least understand some of what you are experiencing.

[Hope]

I think we all know that feeling. And it blows. Hard.

I have 2 simple suggestions for you:

1) if you are not seeing a therapist with experience with folks who have gender issues - you should be. The first part of this walk is to understand yourself well enough to decide if you need to tell others in your life about it... and so that when you do decide to tell them, that you can honestly answer their questions. Everyone needs help with that sort of heavy lifting. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you are crazy, it means you are responsible. Frankly, the girls who try to do this without seeing a therapist are the crazy ones if you ask me.

2) Find a support group. The truth is that you are NOT alone. You ARE an unusual, magical, special creature, but you are not the only one of your kind around. Even if you live in Buzzards Bladder Utah - there are other girls near by. They are closer than you think. You just can't see them, for the same reason they don't see you. Go to your local trans support group. Meet some of your sisters. Invite some of them out for coffee. Pick their brains. Form friendships and alliances. Know that you are not alone. Be prepared for the reality that some of your sisters are a little bit nutty - being trans messes with one's head - and makes many girls very socially awkward. You don't have to hang out with those girls after the meetings if you don't want to. Be prepared that lots of your sisters are not yet passable... We all go through an awkward stage, but you don't have to stay there. Be compassionate with the ugly girls. They are trying really hard, and they are summoning every ounce of courage, and deflecting all of the comments and looks that you can imagine and yet they find the strength to soldier on. You can learn from that. You don't have to dress in any particular way when you go to a meeting, particularly the first time, and you will be welcome if you show up as a guy, and use a guys name, and a deep guys voice. But go. Find out that you are not alone. If you happen to live within driving distance of Madison - leave me a PM, and I will be happy to have lunch with you.

[Sara Jessica]

Alright Anne, I've been thinking about this for a few days now. I have at least a couple cents to add to the conversation.

First of all, let's start with a couple givens.

1. You don't know exactly where you reside in TG land. And as has been said before, both here and elsewhere, this is just fine. Your journey is what it is, something not to be rushed or taken lightly.

2. You are in therapy. This is good as well.

So let's talk about the root word in your thread, loneliness.

I'm pretty sure your wife knows of your nature, correct me if I'm wrong. Going with this assumption, she would be the only person on the planet, other than your therapist and a couple cosmetics SA's, who you have been able to talk to. It's a start but keep in mind, she likely perceives your inner turmoil and may have her own loneliness to contend with. Hopes for an idealized future (through no fault of her own) dashed by the uncertainty of the variable that is TG. And like you, she may be suffering in silence, choosing to discuss this with no one. At least you have your therapy, and us to bounce things off of.

Or is my assumption correct? Maybe she doesn't know. Regardless, she may or may not be an outlet for communication but that all depends on what she's aware of and whether she is open for discussion. Many SO's are aware but prefer not to talk about things.

All that said, what can be done in the meantime to assuage your loneliness while you are on your personal journey of introspection? And what can help you discover who you are?

OK, here it comes.

Time to say bye-bye to the closet.

Figuratively, of course. Because as I've said elsewhere, one can be out and still be in the closet. I'm not suggesting disclosure to friends, family, coworkers, etc. I'm not saying you need to go out in your immediate community. Instead, define the circle of comfort around everything you hold dear. Start exploring this wonderful world through the eyes of Anne. Give yourself a chance to simply "be". In doing so, it might be inevitable that you will make friends. People that can you can laugh and cry with. People that you will look forward seeing, and share good times with. You will make memories for Anne to cherish.

And as a byproduct of all this, some of those gender issues may see some clarity.

You can see how this world perceives Anne and how you react to the world. Is your skin thick enough to absorb the cruelty you MIGHT encounter? Would you even care? Is it enough knowing that you can retreat to your male side at any moment you choose or can you fathom living the rest of your life as Anne, for better or worse when it comes to other's perception?

You might discover that going out is simply playtime for Anne, a chance to get out and spread your wings but at the end of the day, you may come to the conclusion that you are in fact a CD'er and have no desire to push that envelope any further.

You could learn that you are truly TS, that this has been at the core of your being and that further introspection is necessary to see how far you are willing to take it. In that case, decisions will be made as to what path you take. Because when all is said and done, knowing you are TS does not resign your fate to inevitable transition. Women sacrifice daily for those they love. A choice to stay on a middle path is no different as doing so, you are loving, honoring and cherishing those things in life that you have cultivated, most importantly your family. There is nothing more feminine than making such a sacrifice.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I am struggling mightily with the confusion and uncertainty I am experiencing over my identity.

Ah, that. Yes, I've had it. It hurts, a lot. I bet you cry...a lot, I did.


But perhaps worse, much worse, is the profound sense of loneliness I feel. I feel alone. I feel terribly, intensely alone. I feel as if I have been sentenced to solitary confinement.

URNotAlone. :-) Bet that made you laugh. It's true though. You have us here at least...but you are feeling alone because you probably aren't talking about it with the people close to you.


Although I am surrounded by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors, they cannot possibly understand this. Not this. And I cannot tell them. Not this. Not now.

Are you sure about that? Here's a tough question: Is there not a single other person that you know that you would trust with this? Are you positively absolutely sure? Here's another tough question you should ask yourself: Or are you projecting your own internalized transphobia, that you may have because of your upbringing and so forth, on to them?


The pain is gut wrenching and merciless. I find myself tearing up and needing to cry at seemingly random moments. I am in pain. I hurt. And I want it to stop.

Nods, been there. I can tell you that it won't stop until you start taking an active role in making it stop. The counseling you're getting is a good start, truly!


I want to believe you are telling me the truth. My heart tells me that you are, and it brings me much joy, warmth, and comfort.

Believe it!


But my mind still struggles with the belief, and I still feel despairingly and painfully alone.

Ah the little voice of Despair and self doubt. Don't listen to it!


I need to know that it can and will get better. I want to believe this, and I need to have faith that it will.

It will get some better, perhaps it will get lots better. The ultimate choice in that is yours.


It will get better when you stop hiding this part of you and let others in. You are alone because you are choosing to be alone.

Yes, indeed.


Why do you have such a low opinion of everyone else? Why do you think YOU and YOU ALONE are able to handle this issue? Let someone else in. Share. Until you do, you will be lonely.

Very insightful. When I told my family back in 93-94 about it, they were actually disappointed and saddened that I had such a low opinion of their love for me, that I didn't trust them to love me no matter what.



Share what? That I am unsure of who and what I am? That I may be transsexual, but at the very least, that I am a committed, full-blown, life-long crossdresser that is very much feminine on the inside?

Yes, that. You should be sharing that. Though you could simplify it by saying you're one of the many kinds of transgendered people.


Yes, I would like to do this, if we lived in an ideal, non-judgemental, and discrimination-free world.

True, but people are working on that.


I live in a socially conservative community. Much of the world is socially conservative in so far as this is concerned. So yes, I do have a low opinion of much of society on this issue. My community in particular.

Well then, you can always head to somewhere else.

http://motherjones.com/mojo/2011/04/transgender-lgbt-employment-map

And need I remind you that there are folks who tell others and go out in public in some VERY consiervative places.....including Salt Lake City!


And at the end of the day, if I am having difficulties understanding and accepting myself, how can I possibly have any hope that those who are completely ignorant of these issues would be understanding and accepting of me?

Well you need to work on your own transphobia first, but don't underestimate others ability to get it.


In the face of the risk associated with losing all that I have worked for, I cannot and will not throw it away simply to assuage my loneliness.

You said earlier that you want the feelings to stop. Well the only way to stop them is to talk about it and deal with it, and perhaps take some small risks.


So telling others around me, is that really what I should do?

Yes, we're not saying tell everyone, but even one person can help.




What I want you to share is your confusion. Share your doubts, your hesitancies, your worries. I am not advocating you emerge, full blown, from your cocoon. Just open up a bit. Share your dissatisfaction with how things are now.

Exactly


Learn women's history. Learn women's troubles. Read. Study. Learn.

And this is also a good thing to do.


Do you really need to know?

Yes, I think she does.


Do you really need to know now?

That's a harder question to answer, but if it would make her feel better, then yes, yes she does.


Why do you need to know? In my case, I am still unsure on who and what I am.

Bad Kathi! Bad Bad! The VeronicaMoonlit has been failing at cheerleading you! <rolls eyes>

More seriously Going to get a little tough on you someday, I think. :-) You know, you just don't want to use the words.


You know what? I don't let that bother me too much. Call me silly, but the life I have now, I love.

Silly Kathi! :-)


I'm not usually the pragmatic type, but in this case, the known will suffice against the big black hole that is the unknown.

Pragmatism is usually a good thing, but that black hole isn't really all that unknown. Personally, I think you could use a little more direct communication. I'd suggest joining a support group for you, too! :-)


Finally, as some have mentioned, you are alone only because you choose to be. Find someone trustworthy with whom you can take the risk of opening up yourself to. A big step? Yeah!

Yep, good advice.


Anne, is there any possible way you can go out dressed, even if it is in the next town over?
If you had people in your life who knew you as Anne, perhaps you wouldn't feel as lonely?

Good advice, as well as joining a support group


But the thing is, despite it all, I fear that I have not been honest enough. What's that saying about ignorance being bliss?

:-) Yeah, you have to be honest with yourself, that helps.


And that is part of my confusion - why can't I do this? Why can't I just leave it alone, move on, and deal with it and life as it comes? I have been able to do this in the past. Why not now? Why is this so intense? Why can't I just tune it out and focus on other things?

Because that's how this thing is, it's like that. It happens for some people. It is what it is. Instead of trying to figure out why you can't "control" it anymore, it's time to figure out how to deal with it not as an enemy but as simply a normal part of yourself.


I admit, I can at times be completely blind to the obvious, or too stubborn to acknowledge a simple truth such as this. And I have simply been too afraid to even consider something such as this.

:-) It happens.


The walls that I erected years and years ago that have been so solid and unyielding throughout my adult life have been showing some serious cracks in them lately, considering some of the things I have done in recent months. I know I want more. I know I need more. I just do not want those cracks to become wide opened floodgates overnight . . . .

Then you need to take an active hand in working with this thing of ours. Break down some of them walls, communicate more, form some connections, join a support group, read, listen etc etc.



It is the intensity of it all. The intensity of my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. The intensity is unbelievably raw, powerful, and crippling.

It happens sometimes.


My psychologist opined a while back that I am gender dysphoric.

You didn't need her to tell you that. You knew that. But now that it's out in the open, now you need to figure out what you're going to do about it.


She has slowly and methodically been leading me down a path, waiting for me to recognize what is before me, and allowing me to come to my own conclusions and realizations.

Yep, that's what they do.


I have said this repeatedly, I either have yet to figure out who and what I am, or I am simply unwilling to recognize it yet.

It's the latter, most likely.


2) Find a support group.

We can't stress that enough, Anne, find a support group. That should be a very high priority right now.

Be prepared for the reality that some of your sisters are a little bit nutty - being trans messes with one's head - and makes many girls very socially awkward.

Ha ha, that's why I have that "barefoot in the head" bit in my signature. But everything she says about support groups is on the mark. Go!



I'm pretty sure your wife knows of your nature, correct me if I'm wrong. .............
Regardless, she may or may not be an outlet for communication but that all depends on what she's aware of and whether she is open for discussion. Many SO's are aware but prefer not to talk about things.

Good advice, talk to the wife.


Time to say bye-bye to the closet.

Ahh, that. Anne at one time said she would never leave it and that she loved it, but you know that. But you're right. It's time to say bye bye to it.


Because as I've said elsewhere, one can be out and still be in the closet. I'm not suggesting disclosure to friends, family, coworkers, etc. I'm not saying you need to go out in your immediate community. Instead, define the circle of comfort around everything you hold dear. Start exploring this wonderful world through the eyes of Anne.

Excellent advice!


And as a byproduct of all this, some of those gender issues may see some clarity.

Indeed. Going out, to support group especially, helped clarify things for me.


You might discover that going out is simply playtime for Anne, a chance to get out and spread your wings but at the end of the day, you may come to the conclusion that you are in fact a CD'er and have no desire to push that envelope any further.

And that would be a good thing.


You could learn that you are truly TS, that this has been at the core of your being and that further introspection is necessary to see how far you are willing to take it. In that case, decisions will be made as to what path you take.

And that is also a good thing.


Because when all is said and done, knowing you are TS does not resign your fate to inevitable transition. Women sacrifice daily for those they love. A choice to stay on a middle path is no different as doing so, you are loving, honoring and cherishing those things in life that you have cultivated, most importantly your family. There is nothing more feminine than making such a sacrifice.

She's right you know. Sure it's a little sad as well, but she's right.

Veronica

[Debglam]

Never alone Anne! Never alone!

Debby

[Gaby2]

Hi Anne,
I can identify with your anguish and loneliness.

I've managed to cope by myself over the years.
I've often tricked myself into believing that such inner struggles and pain heighten my sensitivity as a musician.
They don't, of course... but that has helped me to get over difficult times.

Although I've been engaged to marry for over ten months, I have chosen to remain in my "single" household, while visiting my SO on an almost daily basis.
She supports my CDing but admits to understanding very little about it.

I have my own house where I can be alone, all by myself, as often as I want, when I want, since separating from my Ex and kids three years ago.
At that time and in that context the separation and eventual divorce was probably the only way out of "marital cul de sac" although I'll never know that for sure.
The separation was a concious decision on my behalf but I don't think of it as "me choosing to live or to be alone".

My CDing in particular can now come and go, as it pleases... and when it suits me!
Sometimes I'm (almost childishly) looking for a bit of glamour and mainstream "kick".
Often though, it's much, much more than that!
CDing takes me a long way in the direction of traditional female virtues such as "caring" and "loving".
My natural effeminate, gentle and warm nature intensifies when I make an effort to dress prettily.

Anne, we may live millions of miles apart... but being dressed as I am now makes me feel very close to you.
Thanks for being so open about your loneliness.
:rose2:Gaby

[Rianna Humble]

Hi again, Anne. I have just finished rereading all the responses in this thread and there is a lot of good advice for when you get to the stage where you feel able to act upon it.

Right now, I would like to ask you to concentrate on one thought: You are NOT alone because many of us here know what you are going through from personal experience. I agree that it would be easier if you had someone you could talk to face to face - even if it is only 1 person other than family or health professionals - but until you get there, we are still here and we care.