Been Thinking Lately.....and that's a Bad Thing

[Gocaps14]

I have come out to my wife several times over our 20 year marriage. I never did it ion a manner that was productive. She has not been supportive, but occaisionally allowed it in an itimate setting. I must say that our marriage has been very difficult, she cheating; me crossdressing and pot. She finally ended the relationship when she became pregnant with our only daughter, I have not given up my issues. I told her I don't dress anymore, but I do when I am home alone. She has some old stuf around, if she knows, she isn't saying anything......I don't think she knows. We both enjoy relaxing a bit on nigts off with a little smoke. She just wants a happy normal family, and while I have the above mentioned issues, things seem allright nbetween us. Sure, I would like things to be different, but if I just keep my mouth shut, I could could have a nice life with my wife and daughter. So, I have been thinking of coming out again, why??? I believe I want punish her for her affair, even though its been over for 12 years. I can't imagine anything positive happening from it. Hopefully, I have just vented enough to not screw things up!!

[Gocaps14]

I must say that honestly, I view her 8 year affair with her married boss is MUCH worse than my issues. She is a horrible person while I am near perfect, just alittle pot and wearing her panties. I feel very selfish right now. BTW, As I write this I am in her panties....smoking.....ugh....what am I doing!?!?!?

[xristy]

"she cheating; me crossdressing and pot"

It doesn't sound to me like pot is the issue in your relationship. To me it sounds like the main issues are your wife cheating and you crossdressing. Coming out to your wife again, just to punish her for something that happened over 12 years ago is just not right. Sounds like you haven't been able to let go of that. Perhaps you haven't been able to let go because your wife doesn't accept your crossdressing and you are using that old incedent against her.

It really sounds like you need to see a counselor about your issues. You need to deal with your issues before you should worry about your wife accepting who you are. If you can't accept your wife for what she did in the past, do you think she will ever accept you for your behaviors?

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but from what you wrote, you have unresolved issues that need to be resolved.

[Karren H]

Not a good idea to think let along write under the influence. In college I wrote this girl in liked a letter. After partying all night... Wrote it in Ole English... Needless to say thee nots seeest fair maiden ever again! Lol. . You need to figure out what you really want... And develope a plan to make it happen.. Imho..

[sissystephanie]

I totally agree with Xristy's idea of a counselor for the problems you and your wife have. This may sound very harsh to you, but you two sonund like a couple of spoiled children!! You may be grown up in age, but acoording to your posts you are both still thinking as children!!

[Wendyluv]

Punish her or else.... seek comfort by doing something which was familiar to you and made you feel comfortable in this stressful situation. Have you thought of it this way?

[suzy1]

You sound like you’re a bit mixed up and not thinking straight.
Are you talking about the weed? That does not help believe me!
It sounds like you don’t want help, just a need to have a rant.

All the best but, get a grip on your life.


SUZY

[DonnaT]

Not sure how a "happy life" will be achieved by coming out again, if using it as punishment. And if you can't come out without raising past transgressions, then don't come out at all.

Sounds like you either want an excuse to come out again, or you are still harboring bad feelings about the affair, or both. You might want to seek a marriage counselor to get a grip on what you are really feeling about the affair.

One question that should be answered is why she had the affair in the first place. If it was because of your CDing, then you might want to think about what might happed if you come out again.

[Cynthia Anne]

Happy normal life+pot!
I hate to be the one to inform you! But some things don't mix!!!! Hugs!

[Nancy (PA)]

take a real good look at your daughter (who would be the loser in any confrontation that you had with your wife, over either's situations), and then see if you still want to bring up "her situation" again.....

[eluuzion]

just an initial thought...
"Comparing something wrong with something worse, never makes it “right.”

Ok, move over...I'm gonna' step into your room for a minute...if it' ok...:)

Back in the good ole’ bad days of smoke and mirrors (mostly smoke), I used to have this special reply when some of my fuzzy friends would come up with some fuzzy ideas…and then ask me for my opinion… I’d reply:

“That sounds like good drug logic to me”… (drug logic=any fuzzy logic)

Then I would try to find a way to distort my explanation enough to hopefully show them that when you use “drug logic“, you always LOSE, lol.

~ I will try and do the same here in my reply ~

Viewing a relationship as a competition will almost guarantee unhappiness for both partners. Competition turns a relationship into a power struggle. Each partner will have the same objective…to “win”. The problem is that the “opponent” is always your partner.
The outcome will always be the same…One victor and two losers, (since you must always add your relationship to the loser side with the loser).

So if you are the one “victor” and there are always two losers, who “won”? (You have “one” and the losers always have “two”)…so technically the result is 2 to 1 in favor of the losers. So, you actually lost ! Right? So then who won? Nobody!

The outcome of competition in a relationship will always be the same…
~Everybody loses~

:heehee:So….How is that for some good drug logic? :heehee:

Actually, I found that every decision became easy after I had a child. I simply choose whatever option results in her best interest in the outcome.

good luck :hugs:

:love:

[Cynthia Anne]

Eluuzion if every one gets the point you made so clearly like I did, then there would be no losers! Just WINNERS! Sincerly thank you! Hugs!

[Gocaps14]

Some tough but true reads above. Really, it is time to stop crying and do something. I can either have a loving family or I can leave. I absolutely love my daughter and believe. That I love my wife, and I believe she loves me. We have really hurt each other, and there is nothing I can do about that. What I can do is get off my pity potty, be an adult and move on.

[Speck]

Viewing a relationship as a competition will almost guarantee unhappiness for both partners. Competition turns a relationship into a power struggle. Each partner will have the same objective…to “win”. The problem is that the “opponent” is always your partner.
The outcome will always be the same…One victor and two losers, (since you must always add your relationship to the loser side with the loser).

So if you are the one “victor” and there are always two losers, who “won”? (You have “one” and the losers always have “two”)…so technically the result is 2 to 1 in favor of the losers. So, you actually lost ! Right? So then who won? Nobody!

The outcome of competition in a relationship will always be the same…
~Everybody loses~



That is simply brilliant!

Speck

[bridgetta]

Herbs are good for everything.. it is the healing of the nation

[jillleanne]

Decision time: Payback has it's consequences. If you both enjoy smoking pot, there is no issue there so cross that one off the list. Just so you know, pot does not compel one to cd. If the cheating continues to bother you, which it obviously does, do something about it; leave her or live with it, your choice only. (Personally, I would have kicked her ass to the curb years ago but that's me, not you obviously). Your crossdressing bothers her and she seems to have put a stop to it because you continue to lie to her about it. So, at this point, your marriage is composed of a husband that lies about his gender enhancements, a husband that is vengeful for a wife that spent 8 years cheating on him and may or may not still be cheating, and possibly more? There is no doubt she is in control here. Seems to me you are the only one here being punished at the moment and that will not change until you do something to change it. You could both go to councelling to try to resolve all issues on both sides, you can walk out the door for good and move on with your life in your hands, or you can continue to live unhappy like you are now. You decide. This is not something anyone here can solve for you.

[Tina B.]

Your saying she cheated for 8 years and you know about it? I'm sorry, my there is nothing I could ever think to say that would be of any help to you, I'm to much like Jill, I'd of been gone years ago.Cynthia, sorry but your wrong "Happy normal life+pot! I hate to be the one to inform you! But some things don't mix!!!! Hugs!" It does too!
Tina B.

[SmileS12]

I don't know, but there is a lot of good advice here. I've been married one time in my life. Still with the same lady. Her brother is a smoker, and he's a jerk. I simply don't think as humans that what we should do is try to get someone back that hurt us. That is just not adult. Coming out is suppose to be a joyful experience. Bearing the closet is just a drudge on life. Using it to get back at someone makes it worse. If you wanted to do something, you should have done it 12 years ago. It's like a puppy. If a puppy craps on the floor and you didn't catch them in the act, guess what, when you hit that puppy to correct it 10 minutes later, that puppy is just going to think you don't like it, and steer clear of you, because it doesn't know what the hell you hit it for. 12 years. You either need to piss or get off the pot. Meaning you need to leave her, or let it alone. I would for sure seek council because their has to be more to this. If you decide to leave her, you better be ready for that Pot to come back and shoot you in the face, because that is how she will come back at you. The courts of law can handle your gender dressing, but they will not tolerate you being hyped up on pot. Any illegal drug they are going to mark against you. If you love that baby, believe me, this will not fair well. I sure would not make a decision either way until I got all my ducks in a row.

Toodles
Eve

[abigailf]

... You need to figure out what you really want... And develope a plan to make it happen..

Right on! Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance (Yea, I always liked the extra 'P').

[HottyHeather]

Fight the urge , thats what ive been doing . I love to dress up to and go out . But I understand beneath all the clothes still a man lies . I would love to be able to dress up everyday , but with my situation career and married also , my wife knows about my issues with cd also . I was always torn between my male and female idenity . So right now I've been staying male and diposed of all my femme items and there are days i really miss my femme side . I tried in the past to not to dress up and always failed , in about a 6 month span i would be doing it again . So to my best knowledge , i believe this is the longest i have gone without dressing up . I must say its very hard and my will power wavers daily , because i would love to do it again .