La plus la change, la plus la meme chose

[Josie Rose]

On 15th September 2008 I wrote at the end of a post describing my first trip out to get a makeover in a cosmetic shop. In those days I was Petra Harper (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/member.php?56348-Petra-Harper). (Admins note: This is a name I can't return as and don't want to return as!)

First time "en femme" in shops (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?89818-First-time-quot-en-femme-quot-in-shops&highlight=)

Anyway, I wrote at the end: "Now I live in confusion between what I feel I look like, what I think I look, what I do look like and what other people think I look like. Does this confusion ever go?"

Now I am 3 years down the line, full time and on a transition pathway at a gender clinic in London (UK), on oestrogen HRT and testosterone inhibitors, with my own small breasts and a neighbourhood and society full of supportive friends of both sexes and a volunteer job in the front of a high street charity shop. In short, I am part of my community.

I am accepted, nay included even, by 99.9% of all people who meet me and when I pass them in the street people smile and say hello. If I enter a cafe or whatever, I am seldom on my own and soon engaged in chat with other customers. I have a blessed life and I feel very fortunate. Inside, I am so strong and I am a woman and my friends are pleased I feel this because it is as they see me.

However, I still say: "I still live in confusion between what I feel I look like, what I think I look like, what I do look like and what other people think I look like. Will this confusion ever go away?"

[Debra Russell]

When you accept who you are all will be revealed and confusion will abate..............Debra

[Cynthia Anne]

Unless I'm reading wrong it seems that the concern is over looks! No matter what someone looks like they can be a beautiful person! By being yourself and accepting yourself and caring about others you become beautiful! Have a lovely day! Hugs!

[Leslie Langford]

What a heart-warming and inspiring story, Josie! I'm so glad to hear that you are finally starting to be at peace with yourself, even if you are not quite there yet. We all know that what we are and/or do is not a destination, but a life journey...

[DonnaT]

Hi Josie, welcome back.


Inside, I am so strong and I am a woman and my friends are pleased I feel this because it is as they see me.

However, I still say: "I still live in confusion between what I feel I look like, what I think I look like, what I do look like and what other people think I look like. Will this confusion ever go away?"
From the foregoing, it appears you feel like a woman, inside, and your friends see you as a woman, so that leaves what you think and what you see. Something only you can answer, but haven't told us.

Will it ever change/go away? For some it does, for others, it takes certain modifications, whether they be body modifications or mental ones.

[NathalieX66]

Hi Josie,
I was at a transgender conference in Atlanta, Georgia last month....Southern Comfort Conference to be exact. The turnout was over 900 people. There was every walk of life: crossdresser, gender fluid dual-gender people like moi, people undergoing transition, and those who have made the complete transition.
during one of the dinners, one of the speakers mentioned about people asking what are you? Guy? Girl?

To parahprahse: And yet many of us see ourselves as "girls" in our own selves, we're not perfect "girls", what so bad about being "transgender"? Is "transgender" a bad word?
Interesting thought.

I thought to myself, that no matter what I would do to my self: spend thousands on hair removal, HRT, surgeries, etc, my guy skeleton would still be there, and I still have no functioning reproductive system of a woman. I'd be a complete gender variant. Maybe that's not so bad. Maybe the word "transgender" isn't such a dirty word.

There's always that age old issue about passability & acceptance. I'm sure there are those of you out there who might have some stong opinion on the matter, that's fine, let 'er rip!

[LeaP]

Hi Josie,
I was at a transgender conference in Atlanta, Georgia last month....Southern Comfort Conference to be exact. The turnout was over 900 people. There was every walk of life: crossdresser, gender fluid dual-gender people like moi, people undergoing transition, and those who have made the complete transition.
during one of the dinners, one of the speakers mentioned about people asking what are you? Guy? Girl?

To parahprahse: And yet many of us see ourselves as "girls" in our own selves, we're not perfect "girls", what so bad about being "transgender"? Is "transgender" a bad word?
Interesting thought.

I thought to myself, that no matter what I would do to my self: spend thousands on hair removal, HRT, surgeries, etc, my guy skeleton would still be there, and I still have no functioning reproductive system of a woman. I'd be a complete gender variant. Maybe that's not so bad. Maybe the word "transgender" isn't such a dirty word.


Nathalie, I guess what surprises me in your response in that the notion of identifying as TG would be presented as if controversial or unusual - at a TG conference, of all places.

"Transgender" comes off as very neutral to me and I don't see any issue with it whatsoever, but then, I think of myself as between or non-gendered anyway.

Josie, your closing line - "I still live in confusion between what I feel I look like, what I think I look like, what I do look like and what other people think I look like. Will this confusion ever go away?" - really describes accurately how I feel as well. It's almost as though I don't, or can't exist in the physical world. It's really pretty weird, sometimes. I can't say exactly how I would feel if I attempted to live en femme, but suspect that though my appearance would better match my emotional state, it would still present a disconnect from other aspects of my persona. This is one reason that Nathalie's response resonated. It seems that people have become more accepting of transsexual identity, but TG identity is no-person's land. There's little understanding and even less acceptance. There are even those here that attack it for a variety of reasons. A minority in a minority, with no place, at least for natal males.

Regarding appearance itself, there's something about being yourself that just comes out as the best you can put forth, no matter how presented. Cynthia had it exactly right. You may or may not ever have an appearance that ever completely matches how you envision yourself. This may be inevitable because retaining some markers from your pre-transition state is a given. Hopefully, those will become a minor point, just as we all have flaws. I could write a VERY long post detailing mine!

Lea

[Josie Rose]

La plus la change, la plus la meme chose

Just to return to the opening post of this thread. I went into the shop where I had my makeover on that, my first day in local shops. I drop in there a lot and we are friendly and I get a warm welcome when I do so, or even when passing I get lotsa waves. The girl who actually did the makeover no longer works but we are still in touch indirectly through the shap and she is well.

Anyway, I told them that it had been 3 years since I appeared there as a man and they were totally gobsmacked that it was so long ago. Time passes so quickly but they commented that I had come a long way.

Another lovely day shopping in town ...