I don't understand and feel bad.

[Imeni]

I've read alot of posts here in the forums and I don't really understand something. To be in a relationship, you need two people who love and care for each other. Through thick and thin. And yet, I see posts of people who have been together for, well, almost as long as I have been alive and yet they either just have or haven't quite gotten around to telling their SO about dressing, either at home or out and about. My question is, why?

Like, I'm not exactly one to talk here. I'm only 25 but have done this all my life. Up until recently, I told exactly NOONE about it. Slowly, I summed up the courage, very cautiously, to tell my best friend. She was very cool about it. And slowly, I've told many other friends of mine, who are all sworn to secrecy about it. Some don't care, some like it, and oddly, I have one friend who finds me even more sexy in a dress than in jeans which frightens me a bit but I digress.

The first thing I ever told my current girlfriend of almost a year together was that, I recently started doing it again as I had some money and bought myself some clothes. (I never really got the concept of purging.) And that, this was a big part of who I was. So if we had any intention of moving the relationship past the bedroom, she would have to be at least ok with it. I didn't want to be involved with someone who could judge me at all. She had zero problem with it, and appreciated the fact that she was one of the first people I ever told. And she, to this day, has been the only person to see me do it which makes her even more special in my books.

Is it just the timeset that makes it harder for people to be open about it? I get that the older you are, the times were different and you just didnt tell anyone about anything. But I mean, deep down, even a small part of you has always known. Or at least been just a tiny bit curious. Once it developed, why didn't you bring your SO into it? And that's really where I feel bad. That there just wasn't ever a good time to tell, and once you did, it opened a large can of worms that just couldn't be closed and changed your life. I just don't understand people who can openly judge others. Especially those whom claim to love you until things get wierd.

[*Vanessa*]

Ya, I don't get that concept either, to a certain point anyway. All things being equal, then where is the equal in the partnership. Where things are not equal then the dynamic changes in the relationship. Why? I have no idea.

[Joanna41]

That question should be directed toward all the GG's who don't like it too much.

Joanna

[cassandra54]

i don't understand it myself. until the last two years i really only crossdressed as a fetish except when i was younger. now i just enjoy being a woman and enjoy it. i am still growing in this area and my SO is right along there with me. she knows everything i do.

the point is though if two people are close, how can a secret like this be kept? me and my SO spend time away from each other but we always tell each other what we do. there is a lot of trust between us, even though we don't always agree on what the other might do when we are on are own so to say. and you are right, in this day and age when everything is so fragile, why do we keep secrets like this?

i understand the point about keeping a relationship going, but is it worth it if you have to hide things about yourself?

[PaulaAnn]

I told my wife that I was gay and dressed.......she accepted the fact I was gay ,but she was pretty pissed at my crossdressing.She absolutely wants no part of it........we have come to an understanding and remain together.....it works for now but ......
Paula.

[Stephanie47]

Well, back in the day before Al Gore invented the Internet, and, the only sexual reading material (The Kinsey Report) was locked in the librarian's desk, I (we) was scared to even think about anything so perverse as wearing women's clothing. Anything outside of the relationship shown on Leave It to Beaver or Ozzie & Harriet was frowned upon. To be divorced was to be branded something "bad." For a woman to wear pants may lead to arrest or harassment in some jurisdictions. We just suffered with self loathing, torment, etc. To be found out to be a cross dresser was more stressful than engaging North Vietnamese Army regulars in the jungles of Viet Nam. Keep in mind women were raised with the same mind set. Go with the flow. What would a girl do if she and her friends found out the boyfriend was a cross dresser. Well, there were plenty of available men to pick from. All positive attributes of a man were cast aside because society said we are freaks. Gays and lesbians were freaks. A bi racial couple would be beat up or worse. Inter racial marriages were legally forbidden in some areas.

So I (we) just suffered and hope for the magic bullet to "cure" us, i.e., marriage. It does not work. So, if a wife learned your "dirty little secret," just maybe the marriage could weather the storm as long as it was "their" secret. As late as the late 1970's I knew of women who ran off to divorce court when she found out about the husband's cross dressing. Maybe, as long as the spouse knew and nobody else, the marriage could survive. If it became other than a secret, it was over.

Fast forward to today. The media (television, movies, etc) is full of the old "sexual perversions." Gays, lesbians, same sex kissing, white-black kissing and relationships are all seen as acceptable and normal at least on the coasts. Enlightenment has not spread to the rest of America, except on an individual basis of acceptance.

I (we) did not know and still do not know how to bring the subject up to a wife. Screaming and yelling are to be accepted. The woman has to analyze the new 'elephant in the room' which nobody wants to acknowledge. My marriage survived because she weighed the scale of justice (marriage). I am no different than before she found out. And, I would say I was a better husband and father because I was a cross dresser. Even if I had difficulty early on accepting myself, I found that I could not cast dispersions on others for who they were. It is no easier telling a spouse today than it was forty years ago. Why? Because I am telling a loved one there is more to me than meets the eye, and, there is always the fear of rejection. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, it's out of the bottle forever.

[*Vanessa*]

...i don't understand it myself.... there is a lot of trust between us, even though we don't always agree on what the other might do when we are on are own so to say.

This is nice Cassandra, I am happy for you.

However, "Trust" is only a concept that resides in your mind. It is your thoughts and love of your S/O that prevail, not the S/O trust in the relationship. The level of trust we have for one another changes moment to moment and we see it as some huge solid mass called trust.

I agree with Joanna, ask the GG why they don't. I think it there is a huge division between fetish and as bi-gender people. No one is going to go upto anyone they just met and say "Hi I like standing on my head while I ***-bate ".

[AlannahNorth]

That's an admirable point of view that you have.

The era and the surroundings in which we were all raised are a major factor. The longer you've been around, the more associates and friends you have (well - should have...) that know you as they have always known you. Upsetting that is somewhat daunting - and - is it worth upsetting?

Personal relations with an SO is a different matter. Deceit will come back on you big time, much better to be up front here.

We live in a (I really HATE to say this) political world full of prejudice, fear and misunderstanding. Human nature is not really all that nice - just read your news, watch Judge Judy, listen to the gossip - and you will see it. There are some outstandingly good people out there - but they must be searched out - and when you find them - treasure them if they become your friends.

For the greater bulk of the people that come into your life you must weigh the pros and cons and decide accordingly. I prefer to fight battles that I can win.

If you don't mind possibly alienating everyone you know and starting fresh - well then go for it. If I were 25 I would seriously consider the idea.

[cassandra54]

Well, back in the day before Al Gore invented the Internet, and, the only sexual reading material (The Kinsey Report) was locked in the librarian's desk, I (we) was scared to even think about anything so perverse as wearing women's clothing. Anything outside of the relationship shown on Leave It to Beaver or Ozzie & Harriet was frowned upon. To be divorced was to be branded something "bad." For a woman to wear pants may lead to arrest or harassment in some jurisdictions. We just suffered with self loathing, torment, etc. To be found out to be a cross dresser was more stressful than engaging North Vietnamese Army regulars in the jungles of Viet Nam. Keep in mind women were raised with the same mind set. Go with the flow. What would a girl do if she and her friends found out the boyfriend was a cross dresser. Well, there were plenty of available men to pick from. All positive attributes of a man were cast aside because society said we are freaks. Gays and lesbians were freaks. A bi racial couple would be beat up or worse. Inter racial marriages were legally forbidden in some areas.

So I (we) just suffered and hope for the magic bullet to "cure" us, i.e., marriage. It does not work. So, if a wife learned your "dirty little secret," just maybe the marriage could weather the storm as long as it was "their" secret. As late as the late 1970's I knew of women who ran off to divorce court when she found out about the husband's cross dressing. Maybe, as long as the spouse knew and nobody else, the marriage could survive. If it became other than a secret, it was over.

Fast forward to today. The media (television, movies, etc) is full of the old "sexual perversions." Gays, lesbians, same sex kissing, white-black kissing and relationships are all seen as acceptable and normal at least on the coasts. Enlightenment has not spread to the rest of America, except on an individual basis of acceptance.

I (we) did not know and still do not know how to bring the subject up to a wife. Screaming and yelling are to be accepted. The woman has to analyze the new 'elephant in the room' which nobody wants to acknowledge. My marriage survived because she weighed the scale of justice (marriage). I am no different than before she found out. And, I would say I was a better husband and father because I was a cross dresser. Even if I had difficulty early on accepting myself, I found that I could not cast dispersions on others for who they were. It is no easier telling a spouse today than it was forty years ago. Why? Because I am telling a loved one there is more to me than meets the eye, and, there is always the fear of rejection. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, it's out of the bottle forever.

so true, times have changed. we no longer work 7 day a week, take vacations. women work and sometimes are the majority breadwinner, men no longer take child brides or participate in arranged marriages women have the right to vote and tell their partner of their sexual dislikes and likes. people get married or stay together because the have true feelings of love and intimacy, not because being married an having children was the thing to do even though you might hate your spouse. people speak out with the political, and religious beliefs. we've had the civil rights movement, the war on poverty, the war on drugs and the war on illiteracy. consumers in droves voted not to buy inferior products like electronics and cars by buying better ones, no matter where they were made. we have gay marriage, gay couples adopting conceiving and raising children, polyamory and the list of things goes on and on.

so yeah, you tell me, after all those changes why is it such a big deal that men show a gender preference, dress in women's clothes and have such a hard time telling loved ones? i understand not talking about this at work or letting all your neighbors know, but your close friends, family, spouse, SO, really?

[*Vanessa*]

so yeah, you tell me, after all those changes why is it such a big deal that men show a gender preference, dress in women's clothes and have such a hard time telling loved ones?

It's hardwired into our brain. To build the best human you need 'also' the biggest, strongest, best provider possible to produce the best possible great great grandchildren. Cross-dressing is an attribute that we, as straight men to transsexuals, have that flies in the face of that logic.

[CINDYO]

No GG ever wants to learn that her husband is a crossdresser. You are correct, this information should be disclosed very early in the relationship. Take it from me, it is devestating to have no idea and by some means learn of this 20 odd years after the wedding. I am still having a terrible time trying to figure out if it is for me. My husband goes onto internet site a few times a day, i wonder why he is doing this. If he is late coming home I wonder if he really is where he said he was going. I suppose my point is, all trust seems to be lost with such a revelation and it is really up to the SO to attempt to restore that trust. I wonder what other secrets there may be that he just is not being honest and telling me about. So yes trust is the basis of a relationship and without that there is nothing.

[AlannahNorth]

BINGO! You got that one right Vanessa! Rewiring the human brain - a worthwhile goal if there ever was one.

[joandher]

After Cross-dressing for nearly 60 yrs, here in the U.K. it was illegal many years ago and if found out you would be taken to court or a hospital and treated with electric shock treatment in a mental institute,also you could be beaten up and branded as a pervert,
it wasn't until the internet and television that people started to understand and some people still wont except it
You are very lucky these days that it is much more out in the open


Hugs

J-JAY

[Alberta_Pat]

I think that a lot of this boils down to the lessons we learned as children.

There was a time when any activity that was outside the norm for the age group and societal class was frowned upon, and sometimes openly despised.

As our society progresses towards the future, many of the "contrary ways" of some sub groups are becoming more acceptable. But, only amongst the younger generation.

Many of the elder members here still have not been accepted in their dressing. This is because the culture that we have grown up in is unaccepting. Perhaps in a few years, clothing choices will be more on a personal taste, rather than a cultural one. We can only hope.

[Rianna Humble]

That question should be directed toward all the GG's who don't like it too much.

Why ask the GG's who dislike the fact that you have hidden a majjor element of who you are from them what your motivation was in lying to them about who you are?

[Karren H]

You didn't read the fine print!! "Through thick or thin... (Contract becomes null and void if one of the signaories is discovered to be a pervert)

[Joanne f]

There is so much information and openness about it now so i can understand why you might think that but when i started out doing it many years ago you were basically on your own and not quite understanding why you done it so it was difficult to find anyone else who understood what you were doing so you were inclined to keep it a secret and like all secrets the longer you keep it the harder it is to come out in the open with it for you not only have the secret to come out with you also have to explain why you kept it a secret for so long to the person that you have been sharing your life with so you get caught in a web of emotions as to whether you come clean or not after so long and that can be a hard decision to make for some , you have to remember that it was not that long ago that if you were know to be gay then they would give you electric shock treatment to try to cure you thankfully things have moved on from that but do not be to hard on the ones that stay in the closet as they feel like they have very good reasons to do so and they could be very real for some yet others could find that they could have been out a long time ago without serious consequences the problem is until you are out you just don`t know

[ReineD]

And yet, I see posts of people who have been together for, well, almost as long as I have been alive and yet they either just have or haven't quite gotten around to telling their SO about dressing, either at home or out and about. My question is, why?

The internet changed everything. And also the growth of gay rights since the 70s/80s.

When people a generation before you were your age, they thought the CDing was sick or deviant behavior. Everyone thought this: GGs, GMs, and also CDs. There was very little information about it. There still are many people who do not understand what it is all about, but I think younger people are at least more open to finding out what it means. :)

[cassandra54]

It's hardwired into our brain. To build the best human you need 'also' the biggest, strongest, best provider possible to produce the best possible great great grandchildren. Cross-dressing is an attribute that we, as straight men to transsexuals, have that flies in the face of that logic.


sadly i think this a process of selective reasoning. it's okay for someone to be an artist,doctor, lawyer, engineer, or any other profession or walk of life that routinely challenges anything that is hardwired into our brains or that which is logical.

einstein was a genius for discovering the theory or relativity. thomas edison invented the light bulb, franklin discovered electricity. these people were probably all regarded by society as maladjusted nonconformists. there was a piece on 60 minutes about the life and death of vincent van gogh. they said he was rebellious, had fits of anger and was a societal misfit. my SO and i looked at each other and laughed, knowing that all of those attributes apply to me. me who is a writer, photographer, someone who has a really unique mindset and does a job that requires me to challenge and ask questions.

no i am not saying that i am anywhere in the arean or zipcode of some of these great minds. what i am saying that if any of these people were discovered to be a crossdrsser or tg, it would be no surprise. but boil it down to the work-a-day people we have on here that are and somehow it comes out as perverse or wrong.

don't get me wrong, i think some things in society should never be changed, but peoples attitudes about gender preference and identity are long overdue for an overhaul. it starts with each one of us gaining acceptance and respect from ourselves, our loved ones, friends and families.

[Kittyagain]

The answer to the OP question is very easy. Relationships based on love survive almost anything, those that are not, don't.

I guess(WAG) less than half are based on love for a point of reference.

The others, convenience, pier pressure, someone to wash your clothes and cook, and just seemed like a good idea. I know this is cynical, but life seems to show this as true.

Kitty

[Kelly DeWinter]

My question is, why?

If you examine your own experience I believe you DO understand Why.

I'm only 25 .....
What took you 25 years to tell anyone ? imagine yourself 25 years from now when your kids ask yo the same question.

but have done this all my life. Up until recently, I told exactly NOONE about it. ....
I think this statement alone shows you understand why.

I just don't understand people who can openly judge others.
you do understand them, it's the way people make you feel, because you are not like them.

Especially those whom claim to love you until things get wierd.
everyone had a different level of what is weird.



As I read your post it reminds me that every generation is more tolerant, and I would love to be 16 again :)

[*Vanessa*]

cassandra

:lol2:

Seriously, you crack me up..

List a bunch of men as reason women do what they do..

:lol2:

Priceless - I'll have some of what you've been into today.

Love your humor.!

[jillleanne]

Oh contraire, the gg's that have found out did not find out prior to the relationship, for the most part and lot liking 'it' should read,' not like being kept out of the picture by the loving honest spouse' whom the gg trusted enough to marry. There's alot more to it then just not knowing for the gg and anyone that does not get it, needs to take a reality check. I too was guilty of the same issue, but I did tell her after two years together. We are now at 12 and going stronger than ever. Not all are as fortunate, but many are.

That question should be directed toward all the GG's who don't like it too much.

Joanna

[VioletJourney]

What I don't get is how wives of CDs can be so unwilling to let their husbands do it. I mean, marriage is a partnership, right? Not slavery?

[eluuzion]

"Why?"

In my opinion...Procrastination induced by the fear of facing what they perceive as the negative logical consequences.

I believe CD behavior and concealing activities to the exclusion of your SO are two separate issues, that are typically being misconstrued here as being a single issue. Doing so enables the opportunity to present the issue as an SO that is not able and/or willing to accept some facet of their partner's behavior. The focus shifts to an exercise in building a laundry list of faults of the SO, that are being unfairly leveled against the "innocent, honest intentions" of the CDr's behavior.

This is quickly used as a sedge-way to slide into a pedantic dissection of the definition of "lying" by concocting "technicalities" that exclude virtually every behavior that is suspect.

Attempts to corral the runaway train and steer it back into a realistic issue, which is the act of deceiving and/or excluding the SO from intimacy/honesty/and sharing in a relationship is usually short lived. (because nobody is willing to suggest or admit that lying and deception is not a circumstantial issue...it is a character issue). At best this topic is minimized. I believe many "know" it is the primary issue, but few are willing to admit it. Just my opinion of course...

Again, much of this turmoil can be attributed to this...

It is not that we can find the answers, it is that we refuse to see (and/or acknowledge) the real problem(s).

just my thoughts...nothing intended to be taken "personally"...:hugs:

:love:

[docrobbysherry]

According to me!

U form a great relationship with your GF. Unless u need to dress all the time, or go out that way, u don't mention this "hobby" u dabbled in but don't plan to continue.:)
She doesn't mention her "experiment" with her female college roommate either!

Everything is super! U tell each other EVERYTHING that is important and/or relevent. So, U don't mention your web porn visits, she doesn't mention she bites her toe nails!

U love each other very much! U get married!:thumbsup:
The first 3 years r your honeymoon. Unless u have kids during that period.:brolleyes:

Next, u will likely go thru what the minister who married us called the, "Tunnel of chaos"!:eek:

Your marriage now requires effort, compromise, and possibly some very unpleasant conflicts! It's not much fun anymore, it's work!:sad:

U get stressed. Your desire to dress increases exponentially! Now, r u going to tell your SO what you're doing in private? Knowing it COULD be the last straw?:straightface:

If you've never been married, then in your imagination, u may say, "Of course"! But, in REAL LIFE, do u REALLY want to make your life together THAT MUCH MORE DIFFICULT? Maybe u WON'T!:doh:

[Eryn]

People have explored the changing attitudes of society over the years, along with the impact of the media and the internet.

Let's consider these and their impact on the crossdresser, namely me.

Growing up, had the normal exploration with Mom's underwear and pantyhose. The only other contact I had with women's clothing was the Sears and Wards catalogs. No Victoria Secret in the mail every third day back then. For some reason I knew that dressing in Mom's things Was Very Bad and besides there were plenty of other things to get my attention, so CDing didn't really develop.

Off to college. More liberal environment, a few girls around, but what would be worse for a young man than getting caught with a stash of women's clothing in the dorm? Again, CDing is present, but not explored enough to really develop an understanding. All I knew was that I had in inordinate interest in women's clothes and makeup, but I explained it away as an interest in women themselves. After all, I was a geek that wasn't exactly drawing the ladies like flies.

Out of college and into the working world. Work that included government contracts, security clearances, and stern-faced men with polygraphs. Not exactly a situation that encouraged self-exploration. Once again, the interest was there, but was suppressed before it could be given much consideration.

Somewhere along the line I found some social skills and managed to get married. Did I tell her before we were married? Tell her what? That I had a vague interest in women's underwear and makeup which I was still mistaking for an interest in women themselves? Heck, that would go away now that I was married, and besides, there was still the thought of that stern-faced man with the polygraph to keep me in line.

Of course, being married put me in much closer contact with many items of interest. I felt like a diabetic in a candy shop. After a few years I experimented a bit more, very cautiously so as not to get caught as I knew that what I was doing was Very Wrong.

A few years go by, children are born, and I change careers. I no longer have Mr. Polygraph Agent hovering over me. The Internet even comes into my life. I still don't research my "interest" because I considered it perverse. I do talk to my wife a bit about it, but don't really talk about its importance to me because I don't really acknowledge it myself.

Then something happens. Perhaps male menopause or perhaps the perfect storm of having my wife and children go on a trip leaving me at home alone. I spend a few days experimenting with her things and finally decide "what the heck, why not go all the way?" and spend some time fully dressed (or as fully as I could be at the time).

I finally come to the realization that this is something that needs to be dealt with, not just a little peccadillo that can be hidden away as I had been doing for 20 years of marriage. The stress of hiding it is causing problem between me and my wife. I finally get on the Internet and do some research. My eyes are opened as there are not just a few people who CD, but thousands. I'm amazed to find that most of them don't consider it to be perverse at all.

After quite a bit of thought and introspection I come to the same conclusion. After many false starts and too much waiting futilely for the "perfect moment" we finally have "the talk." My wife wasn't happy, there were tears involved, but we kept at it. Since then we've worked together to help me understand myself better and to allow me to express and experience the joy of being Eryn.

So, perhaps a bit long-winded, but I hope this explains why, for us Olde Folkes, coming out to our spouses wasn't nearly as clear-cut as your experience. A huge part of my experience was the difficulty of coming out to myself, which had to be resolved before I could address the issue with my wife!

Eryn

[Imeni]

I will take some time, as I have three days off coming up here to respond to each of your statements, which all make total sense. But the one i really want to respond to was someone on the first page who took my original post and broke it down in red. Most importantly, I feel the need to respond to the question, "Why did it take me twenty five years to tell someone."

First, you have to take into account that the first five don't really count as your a toddler and you have no real idea of whats going on. So really, It's only about twenty. But yes, It did take me awhile to tell someone. Throughout my entire life, I've been an outsider by choice. You know, some kids look wierd or act strange/out of the norm and get cast down. It happens.

But me, my grandpa told me something before he passed that stuck with me and made me view the world differently than most. "Take the world as you see it. Remove the happy people, they aren't really happy. Take the ones who are mean and hurtful. They are actually so sad that they cant express it any different. Girls are the most amazing creatures in the world. Treat them right. Act like a kid for as long as you can, and no matter what people say, you aren't wierd or stupid. You are unique. You are here because something in you needs to be part of this world. Never be ashamed of who you are, because you never know. Maybe that dorky kid in school becomes a billionaire. And you'll be his best friend. Who doesn't want to be friends with a billionaire?"

I never liked people. I never trusted them. What I took from what my grandpa said is, everyone lies. Everyone is watching out for themselves first. Never give someone the power to make you feel small. Therefore, when I felt ashamed for crossdressing, and not even so much the dressing itself, as much as using the clothes that weren't mine. That's what bothered me. And by telling anyone about it, as i didn't really have anyone close to me till after high school when I started dating, I would be giving someone power over myself, the power to make me feel small which means that I'm not looking out for number one.

But then, I met "Suzie". My god, I knew from the moment I saw her that I was meant to be with her. And she was the second person I ever told. The first was to a friend whom I never really considered to be close till one day I noticed that she was like my only friend. And we talked for hours at a time. I was meeting her boyfriends, going shopping with her, spending the afternoons with her and her baby at the mall doing nothing. And she's so spiritual and open minded that one day she asked me straight up if I was hiding something. Sure enough, I probed a little bit. Asking about how she judges people, how open minded she was, etc. And she said that she knew there was something about me, nothing horrible, but something so big that I've hidden for so long that I just told her. And she asked if Suzie knew, and I was planning on telling her when we had our first date, which i did. And things sort of just opening up. People I didn't think could handle it are now close friends, ladies who donate old clothes, and if not my size go shopping online and post links on my facebook page (my one for crossdressing, that is). There are times where I wish I could tell my mom. I think she'd be fine with it, to each their own. Whatever makes me happy, she'd say. But then, she'd tell my step dad. Who is awesome but im sure would bug me and tease me, all in good sport, but then slowly, leak to other people who wouldnt be so open minded and just...ugh.

This post sorta spiraled into a story but, I didnt tell people so much out of fear, as much as, I didn't feel the trust in anyone to confide in. Especially because I didn't know just what being an openly commited crossdresser would imply to people. Why do people assume because I like to wear a dress, I'm gay? Is it like a Stereotype or something? Or do people just not know any different?


On a totally seperate note, I decided to tell my roommate/friend since High school about it as we could have moved, had we not been outbid on the house, and alot of my dresses are much too big to just stuff into garbage bags, and I didn't want him to just see a stack of big, poofy dresses and be all, "Oh my god, he's gay!!" and wig out or whatever. He's not exactly an open minded person. But he knows better than to cross me, I learned him a lesson a few years back. It stuck. But he was all, "Oh. That's cool. But like, can I ask you not to just start wearing dresses around the house? I don't want to see that." And I wanted to hit him. I told him, "Dude. Seriously. You've lived with me since I moved out of my parents place. I didn't tell you because I thought you would just move out and I need a roommate who i can trust. Never have I just strutted around in one, right? I'm not about to start now. But I thought it would be fair to you that you knew. Especially if we moved to a place where closet space isn't exactly an option. So all my stuff would be on hangars in the open. Better you know now before I find out you're gonna leave."

[Kate T]

Imeni

A number have said it here on this thread why it takes so long for many to tell their SO's about TG feelings.
Number 1 reason it is easier now is definitely the availability of information and personal experience via the internetespecially but also via other media sources.
Number 2 reason is a greater society acceptance of GLBTA community and a general tendency for society to be more tolerant generally.
I would also suggest one reason why you do not understand is because you are fortunate to have clearly a very strong sense of self worth and great support through your upbringing from your grandfather. Many here would not have had this supportive growth environment and consequently low self worth, depression and all sorts of other things affect them that cloud our judgement of what is the true and best choice to make.

[Patty B.]

What a post, Stephani 47, hassummed itupas well as could be done, very accurate. It was a whole different time and attitudes and being 58 I grew up at that time and what a difference between now and then. Doesn't make it right not telling your spouse early on, just my opinion.

[jillleanne]

'Marriage' up until recently I suppose, was loosely defined as an man and a woman forming a union, a bond of truth, love, and trust between the two. Years later, the woman discovers her husband whom she loved unconditionally over the years, has carried a secret prior to the union that he apparently just forgot to mention to the woman he was marrying for better or for worse. Why? How does one reasonably explain to someone else about their gender enhancement if they themselves do not understand it, never have in the past and still don't. The cd however, has learned many things along the way ; they have learned to fear losing their jobs, their families, their secret they somehow feel is wrong to express, but cannot stop expressing, how to be a prejudice person just like the rest of society, shame, fear, embarrassment, degregation, the list goes on, a list compiled primarily of social behaviorisms designed by old school scholars and leaders. The only things the cd knows for sure is most likely, they have had this physical and mental force since birth and the force remains a constant in their lives. There is no medical explanation, no publications available, no professional to chat with casually about it on the golf course either. There are however, far too many people in society that openly like to condemn, punish, or even hurt anyone they think do not conform to a description of social behavior seen as being 'normal', in their eyes or their peers through which they themselves received their unintentionally hypocritical teachings. And now, after some years pass, we simply expect our s/o to jump right on board and accept this secret like it's just a simple tooth ache that will pass in a couple of hours. Hello, knock, knock, is anyone in there? An ideal society we ain't and will not become any time soon.
Let's look at it from another perspective; If society cannot get past being prejudice against others simply because of color or race, how long do you really think it will take to get acceptance of gender expression? I'm not holding my breath. Segregation still exists in the south, BY CHOICE!! if one can imagine. Disgusting at best to think we still have not accepted peoples as just that, peoples.
If you want the true answer to your question, look no further than the mirror in your washroom at home. Look deep and you will discover all the answers you seek. Do not blame the gg for the confusion you have caused in the relationship by not being upfront about who YOU are, that job was yours way back when and you failed to reveal your true identity. Do not blame the gg for not accepting you from the git-go; she grew up with the same social definitions and prejudices that kept you from announcing to the world who you really are. Do not blame the gg for questioning what other secrets you are holding, what lies may be hidden, what mysteries you hide within? To wonder is simply human behavior. To question, is reasoning based on facts revealed.
If accepting gender enhanced people for who they are is so easy and simple, why have you not told your family, friends, employer, etc?

[Valerie1973]

Yes indeed marriage is to be a two way street and a woman should be duty bound to stand by her man. But that's not the case for a great many of us. As for me, I believed keeping my mouth shut was not lying. I never really told her about by dressing. But she soon found out and it, and it was a silent acknowledgement which turned into a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

After 10 years of marriage it finally surface up into a all day tear filled discussion. I always knew she would't like it and also, it is and was a very difficult subject for me to explain or confess. This is very personal and private for me. You all here only know.
So, her response was she had known the whole time and exclaimed that she loved me and that she could and would put up with it and it's our secret. But being the woman she is, now she has analyzed it to a point whereas all the questions came up, am I gay, am I pretending to be some one else, 10 years of were wasted, why bring kids into the world, then finally she admitted she'd been holding back too and not giving me all her love because of resentment of my secret. Because I kept it from her or she just can't fathom to see me that way, I don't know.

With my wife some days it's chicken and some days it feathers. We both loose now because either I'm loved for someone I'm not or be hated for someone I am. When I explained to her nothing has changed with me and I've been the same guy the whole time then why say we love each other. Why bother to say she can live with it but for me to be discrete and she never wants to know or see it and she apologized for not being supportive. Here I am right back where I started. I'm doing my best not to make everything be about me, or mine. I've put it away for a while but now I'm as about as confused as my wife. I love her to death, we have had good life, it's not about crossdressing, we have allot on our plates, kids, a mortgage, Its not that easy just up and leave.

However, lately we have grown somewhat closer too. It's weird, we fight for each other's love. Yes indeed we could both benefit from some sort of counselling. Oh yeah, a good marriage counselor will help us but as soon as my dressing is brought up, that it.

We both have to work at it. It takes two to tango. For the fortunate couples here on this site it's because two work at it. I have to admit, lately I've stepped up more and she has been changing her attitude for the better. In the end, we're still men and just got to man up sometimes. Good luck all. This is a crazy business we're in and you can't blame em sometimes. Ciao

[docrobbysherry]

What a wonderfully educational post, Valerie! For those that haven't experienced marriage themselves, it should be required reading!
Thank u for a glimpse into the, "Tunnel of chaos"! And, how difficult, but possible it is, to make it thru! Sounds like u 2 will. I HOPE u do, anyway! Sadly, I couldn't!


Yes indeed marriage is to be a two way street and a woman should be duty bound to stand by her man. But that's not the case for a great many of us. As for me, I believed keeping my mouth shut was not lying. I never really told her about by dressing. But she soon found out and it, and it was a silent acknowledgement which turned into a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

After 10 years of marriage it finally surface up into a all day tear filled discussion. I always knew she would't like it and also, it is and was a very difficult subject for me to explain or confess. This is very personal and private for me. You all here only know.
So, her response was she had known the whole time and exclaimed that she loved me and that she could and would put up with it and it's our secret. But being the woman she is, now she has analyzed it to a point whereas all the questions came up, am I gay, am I pretending to be some one else, 10 years of were wasted, why bring kids into the world, then finally she admitted she'd been holding back too and not giving me all her love because of resentment of my secret. Because I kept it from her or she just can't fathom to see me that way, I don't know.

With my wife some days it's chicken and some days it feathers. We both loose now because either I'm loved for someone I'm not or be hated for someone I am. When I explained to her nothing has changed with me and I've been the same guy the whole time then why say we love each other. Why bother to say she can live with it but for me to be discrete and she never wants to know or see it and she apologized for not being supportive. Here I am right back where I started. I'm doing my best not to make everything be about me, or mine. I've put it away for a while but now I'm as about as confused as my wife. I love her to death, we have had good life, it's not about crossdressing, we have allot on our plates, kids, a mortgage, Its not that easy just up and leave.

However, lately we have grown somewhat closer too. It's weird, we fight for each other's love. Yes indeed we could both benefit from some sort of counselling. Oh yeah, a good marriage counselor will help us but as soon as my dressing is brought up, that it.

We both have to work at it. It takes two to tango. For the fortunate couples here on this site it's because two work at it. I have to admit, lately I've stepped up more and she has been changing her attitude for the better. In the end, we're still men and just got to man up sometimes. Good luck all. This is a crazy business we're in and you can't blame em sometimes. Ciao

[paulinescotlandcd]

What I don't get is how wives of CDs can be so unwilling to let their husbands do it. I mean, marriage is a partnership, right? Not slavery?

Well, that is the weekend over and despite being married 33 years and telling my wife before we married I think my wife still has issues seeing or even knowing I am in the house dressed. My son was working a shift, 12 noon till 6pm. I would have loved an afternoon of fun but my wife dragged me to the shops and all we bought was a couple coffees and a muffin. Of course she suggests when we get back at around 3pm that I have some "fun". Hardly worth it when you also add in that she also wanted a few jobs done around the house first.
My view is that CD'ing is incompatible with most women. Feeling just a tad ticked off at the moment. It is my birthday tomorrow. What would I like most? How about just one day in the house alone.

[Valerie1973]

Thank you Sherry, marriage isn't easy. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out. Some women just cant see past this. You are a bright star who will shine for someone some day. Hugs- Valerie

[kimdl93]

The question presumes that every relationship is the same - that each partner in a relationship will always accept and support the other - no matter what. But the reality of relationships is different. And CDing just isn't acceptable to some GGs - for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I doubt that the prevalence of the internet has changed that, but I do think society is gradually becoming more accepting. Still, you'll find that many of us have been in relationships with more or less accepting women that actually pre-date the internet.