How to Approach Someone I Believe Might Be a Sister Also

[Sarah V]

I collect die-cast models, and two weeks ago I attended a local toy/comic book show and sale that was held in my area. One of the vendors who had a table selling die-cast vehicles at the show was a rather well dressed older woman, whom I strongly suspect is a CD/TV/TG, whichever. The reason I suspect she is one of us ladies, is that she was dressed much better (top, jacket, skirt, hose) than the other vendors, was there by herself, had a fairly deep voice, had large hands, and had an overall larger build. We talked about die-cast stuff and I was able to get a business card from her.

Anyway, I would love to contact her as I am always looking to enlarge my TG circle of friends in this area, which is pretty slim pickings to begin with. I am not sure how to approach her to discuss. I am thinking about calling her or e-mailing her to discuss die cast items she has for sale, and then try to back into the conversation some how to ask her if she is transgendered, and if she says Yes, then I will tell her about Sarah. However, at the same time I don't want offend the lady if it turns out she is really a GG.

I would appreciate any suggestions from the other ladies out there on the best way to go about this. Thanks.

[Kate Simmons]

Hard to tell sometimes. I met a lesbian lady once who thought I was a GG, voice and all. She was kind of hinting around for a date until I told her I was a CD. We became friends anyway. Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone but you may want to drop some key words only CD's would mostly know during conversation and look for facial or body reactions. Some folks prefer not to be "outed" though and just want to be treated like everyone else.:)

[*Vanessa*]

By what you stated, your interest is friendship.

email her and introduce yourself.
You know real basic stuff... as the person she met at the die-cast meet, that you are bi-gender (or whatever your status is). Also add that your intention is not to harm, but platonic friendship. Just ask straight out if she is also. I think it is in the delivery where we all screw up, mostly because we don't know the individual.

[jennifer24]

Hard one to comment, I have also see people why out and thought they might me tg but was to chicken to ask, like others said just have a basic converstation and bring up that you are cd/tv and see what her reaction is, gotta break the ice somehow.

[Cynthia Anne]

Honesty is the best policy! Talk to her! Tell her up front who you are and the things you enjoy! If she is or not she will let you know! What have you to lose! Perhaps a friend to gain! Hugs!

[Julogden]

The potential for insulting her is high if she isn't trans, and if she is, she may be upset that you clocked her. The safest way to proceed, IMO, if her feelings are paramount, is to tell her your gender status and if she's transgendered, she then has the option to come out to you or not. :2c:

Carol

[Rachel Morley]

IMHO, this is fraught with danger. What if she is a GG? You might hurt her feelings, but if you are going to pursue it (I sure wouldn't) then what Abigail says about dropping in some key words only CD's would mostly know is a good idea.

[Barbra P]

Hi Sarah

I agree with Julogden, in that the potential for insulting her is high if she isn't trans. I don’t know what your build is like, is it anything like this woman’s? If so you might approach her by telling her that you are TG and you really liked the outfit she was wearing at the show and you’d like to put together a similar outfit, does she remember where she bought it. You haven’t compromised her in any way, and you haven’t hinted that you believe she might be TG. Regardless of whether she is GG she is free to comment on the clothes and if she is TG she can comment on the clothes and leave it at that or she can reveal more about herself to you.

[Stephenie S]

The potential for insulting this lady is very high no matter if she is or if she isn't. You lose BOTH ways.

If you are so heck bent on "outing" someone, why don't you out yourself?

Really. Tell her you are a crossdresser. Don't accuse HER of anything. Just introduce yourself and say, "Oh, BTW, besides collecting toys, I have another hobby. I am a crossdresser."

Obviously, she is NOT a crossdresser. She is a woman. Was she born a woman? We don't know, do we? Do we care? No we do not. Asking someone (ANY one) about their very personal medical history is SO impolite! DON'T do it. If you wish to, you may tell HER about yourself. No harm done. That's also impolite, as ones personal details are best left until later in a friendship, but it's FAR, FAR, less impolite than asking her about hers.

PLEASE, everyone. Don't do this.

Stephie

[Christina Horton]

Does she have a store? If so go there dressed fully and talk about the die cast cars you want and let her tell ya. That would be the best way to bring it up. Show her.

[Megan70]

I think Christina hit the nail on the head. That is the best route to go, if she is nearby and if you go out dressed in public.
Do It but tread cautiously verbally only if you casually drop about yourself, NOT her. But pay her a visit.
Megan

[Stephanie47]

Well, if you have her business card you can do business. Assuming she lives in the same area you can arrange to buy something, any old thing. There is nothing to prevent YOU from showing up en femme to pick up your merchandise, either at her place of business, residence or some neutral location. If you are paying cash, there is no reason to disclose who YOU are, if she is indeed a GG.

Whoops, looks like Christina may have beat me to it!

[DanaR]

Another thing you might consider is calling her and say that you met her at the show and would like to stop by and look at some merchandise. Then add to that discussion that you are also a crossdresser and would be in her area and dressed, would that be a problem for her seeing you dressed? All of this over the phone and you haven't outed anyone but yourself; which she probably doesn't have an idea who you are anyway.

[Eryn]

The best route is to get to know her in the context of your mutual interest in die-cast models, not CDing. After that is well established and you've spent time together it will become more apparent whether the other person is TG or not. At the same time she will have the opportunity to see more of you and to get comfortable.

[eluuzion]

Take a cotton ball and soak it in yellow food coloring. Let it dry, and glue it to the head of one of your toy army men you played with as a kid. Stuff it into the seat of a Die Cast Vehicle (preferably a convertible).

At the next show. Take it to her vendor booth an ask her for an appraisal. See what her reaction is.

If HE freaks out on you, you can dash into the crowd of people and disappear. Those places are always crowded.:heehee:

Oh, just in case you are looking for some stable options...the option of revealing yourself first that has been suggested sounds like a winner to me.

Either way...I'd consider wearing running shoes...as a back-up plan...:D

:love:

[Vickie_CDTV]

Dropping references that only someone who is trans (or at least clued into the trans community) would recognize is a good idea. One other option would be to wear a pin of some kind (transgender logo, IFGE or Tri-Ess etc.) that someone who is in the gender community would immediately recognize (adding a visual clue as well.)

And good her for going the extra mile and dressing so nicely even when she doesn't have to, sounds like my kind of lady :)

[HelenR2]

If you can't find a polite and friendly way of approaching her, fully considerate of HER needs ......don't.

[Pythos]

Well, I approached an individual I thought was a fellow gender bender when at the club. I introduced myself to this person thinking that I could befriend them, and possibly meet other people, including ladies through her.

Little did I know that I was talking to a female that would become a huge part of my life :P

[Stephenie S]

Dropping references that only someone who is trans (or at least clued into the trans community) would recognize is a good idea. One other option would be to wear a pin of some kind (transgender logo, IFGE or Tri-Ess etc.) that someone who is in the gender community would immediately recognize (adding a visual clue as well.)

And good her for going the extra mile and dressing so nicely even when she doesn't have to, sounds like my kind of lady :)


No, no, no, no, no! There is no "secret handshake". There is no special pin to wear. Hints never get you anywhere. How well does dropping hints work for you in other relationships? It doesn't, does it?

I said this before, but I will say it again.

Don't EVER assume that you know another's sexual or social orientation. YOU DON'T. She looks like a CD? Sorry, you can't assume anything. She looks like a TG? Sorry, ditto.

Even if you are 100% correct, mentioning this out loud in public is SO impolite as to be forbidden in any social interaction. DON'T do it. EVER.

So, that still leaves us with the question how do we make contact? How? You don't. At least not on that level. If you see someone that you think you might like to get to know, you approach them on the same level you would to anyone. A smile. A compliment. And an open statement.

Big smile. "Hi. I just LOVE your skirt. Where did you get it?" (Skirt, nails, hairdo, shoes, whatever. It matters not.)

See? That opens up the chance for a conversation rather than a confrontation. Suppose you are wrong? Who will be more embarrased? You or your victim?

S

[BillieJoEllen]

A few years ago I saw a CDer, TS?, while out shopping. I knew that she was (at least at some point in her life) a man. She was older and fooling everyone. Her voice was a cross between male and female. Because of what she was wearing and some of her mannerisms she was definitely male. But like I said she was fooling everybody. I wanted to introduce myself and talk to her. I followed her to a few other stores waiting for a chance to talk but not being very bold I couldn't find the opportunity. I wish I would've just plain approached her. But then again I was concerned about her feelings, etc. After a bit I think she realized she was being watched and abruptly left the last store we were in. At that point I no longer pursued her.
I said above that I suspected her because of what she was wearing. She had a silk dress on, well made up and kind of clumsy in her walk although she was trying very hard to come across as feminine as possible. Not only was she visiting women's clothing stores but she also ventured into a popular hardware store and was looking at things that only most men would be interested in. I sure would like some idea as to how to handle a situation like this if one would happen in the future.

[Sallee]

That is a real tough one. I wish we had an international sign or a pin or something we could use to signal one another. But I know that isn't likely to happen. I have dropped the name of famous gender benders, Benny Hill or Dame Edna, just to see the response and there usually hasn't been any.
I know I have run across others when I was out as Sallee and as my alter ego.
We need a sign or clue

[BillieJoEllen]

A while back someone had suggested wearing a rubber band on one's wrist on Fridays. I myself have used a large lavender band whenever I go out shopping on Fridays. I've done this for about two years now with the hope that eventually I'll connect with somebody.

[angpai30]

Honestly how can you say that you want to out someone? If you want to know if someone is who you think they are the best policy is ALWAYS "be a friend first". When I was out recently looking for a new dress to wear I walked into a shop told the Sales Lady that I was looking for a new dress for myself. She immediately jumped out of her skin and gave me a hug and told me that it was fantastic that I was out shopping in my male clothes and would love to see me all dressed up! she also told me that her store manager also had a son who was a Drag Queen that was recently featured on US Weekly I believe it was!! If you want to know anything about anyone how about try being a friend first! ask her to go shopping with you or invite her for coffee or like me Hot Chocolate and a Cinnamon Roll!!!! This way you are not threatening her gender or are you insulting her in any way. Seriously, what would you do if someone came up to you out in public and started asking if you had male genitalia poking around with questions or even dropping hints that only CD should know? Would that not make you uncomfortable?

[SandraAbsent]

To be honest if it was me and you outed me, I would be pissed. It makes me furious when someone says "wow you pass really well" or "i could hardly tell." Simple matter of fact is you have now just pointed out that "wow you pass really well, but I can still tell you are TG" and "I could hardly tell, but obviously I still figured it out." I here this alot from other TG friends and it really makes me mad. If I want you to know that I am trans, I will tell you and on my terms. If you want to be friends, lets be friends but lets leave outing each other out of the equation. Now as insulting as it may be to do this to another sister/brother, imagine doing this to a cisgender woman. You might get a 1 karat rock in your nose. GG, TG, CD, we are women and that's it plain and simple. No need for any other subcategories.

[brenda b smith]

I have to agree with stephenie s the complimenting her on her outfit. is a great idea.

[Paula_56]

use a refernce to to some community centric language i.e. triess, SCC, transgender and look for a response.

[Kaz]

It strikes me that the important issue here is that you want to befriend this person... This has nothing to do with gender issues. I would befriend them and then see how things develop... If you go the full on route and she is female you will have just insulted a perfectly normal woman in a very perverse way. If he is a CD and doesn't want to be outed, you will have scared the hell out of him. Find a middle ground and tread very carefully and give it time... or do nothing.

Respect for others should be a basic human right... or so some of us think?

[Wendy_Marie]

Don't make it about her or her status....Introduce yourself and be honest about your own status...if she is she will tell you...if she isn't then you will know.

[suchacutie]

Let me set up two scenarios:

1) A perfect stranger walks up to you and says, "Hi, what's your name and what do you do for a living?"

Pretty rude, huh? Here is someone not giving any information but demanding information from you. I normally just ignor these folks.

2) A perfect stranger walks up to you and says, "Hi, I'm (so and so) and I'm very interested in ..".

Here is someone genually interested in starting a conversation and willing to meet you half way.

----
The same issue is raised here. In past threads like this one I have strongly urged to leave their CD connection out of any contact with a person you meet that you think might be transgendered. If you are attracted to this person in any way, then treat them as the gender they are presenting, which is the way we all want to be treated. If the concept of transgenderism is to be brought up, it should be by you about you, not about the other person. It could be as simple as, "I was thinking of going to the SCC this year". This will immediately put you in the position of explaining that you are transgendered, and then it's up to the other person to volunteer the information about them. They may still not do that, and you will have not gained any ground, but I think that is the proper way to act, especially for a person who is clearly interested in "passing", or who is actually 24/7.

In a nutshell, I think it's proper for us to give up information on our own status first, and let the chips fall where they may, not the other way around.

tina

[Dannigirl]

Call her ask her when her next show is and you show up dressed and see what her reaction is, but I wouldn't ask her straight up. It might hurt her feelings to know that she isn't passing 100%. Put yourself out on the limb rather than her. Good luck. Or call her and tell her you would like to see her collection and then ask her if she minds that you come dressed as you are a CD and see what she says.