Just Venting....

[reflections-of]

I just felt like writing about this.

A few years ago I lost one of my best friends, she committed suicide. She meant a lot to me and I was truly blessed to have her as a friend. We really loved one another and she was the first person I really came out to. She was wonderful about it and an amazing friend to have. It just, I still find it hard not to have her in my life. I miss the time we spent together and the love she had for me.

One of the reasons I really have stopped dressing was because she passed away. Losing someone who was a main part of my support structure was very devastating to me. While I have a girlfriend in my life who supports and loves me, it is different. She was my friend so the relationship we shared was of course different.

While I truly love my girlfriend, I feel a little guilty about missing my friend so. My friend and I did have at times deeper feeling for one another, other than friends. I feel like a bad boyfriend because of this. All cross dressing aside, I am blessed to have my current girlfriend in my life. She does love me, wants to spend her life with me and accepts my dressing.

I just miss hanging out with my friend the “girl talk” as we called it and all the stupid in jokes her and I shared. It was nice to have someone I felt truly comfortable with. I mostly comfortable with my girlfriend, sometimes when I am dressed I feel a little goofy though.

Sorry for the rant just felt like venting….

[Tina B.]

No harm in venting, and anyone that has ever lost a close friend will know just how you feel.
Tina B.

[kimdl93]

You have no reason to feel guilty about missing your friend. Any of us that has lost a loved one understands that the pain eases, but never entirely goes away. You are entitled to miss her, to think warmly of her, and to feel a bit sad when you relfect on her loss.

Are you able to speak of your friend to your GF? Can you comfortably express the nature of the gap her death left in your life? I'm sure she will understand.

I presume you are able to dress comfortably around your GF - most of the time w/o feeling goofy. Its ok...sometimes I feel like a big clumsy guy in a skirt and heels too. But those moments of insecurity and humor are just part of being human - as is missing a departed friend.

[KellyJameson]

Seems natural to love someone that you lost in a way that " feels" stronger than the love you have for your girlfriend because you still mourn her death and want her back.

The two loves are separate and in my opinion all love is unique to the individual so we never love two people alike, plus love is fluid so changes from moment to moment like everything else in life.

[joanna4]

I feel your emotion, I'm sorry that you lost your friend that way and that it hurts you not having her in your life anymore. Thanks for sharing, I didn't have a dry eye reading your post:')

[Cynthia Anne]

I doubt that your friend would want you to put your life on hold sitting around thinking of the past! She would want you to move forward and be happy! Be thankful for the times you shared and remember her as a loving friend! Hugs!

[reflections-of]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies, they mean so much to me....

@Kim -Sometimes I feel a little on the goofy side. She loves and accepts me for who I am and for that I am truely blessed. It's like you said it is just being human.

@Kelly - November is a hard time for me, my friends bithday is in November and the anniversary of my father death is also in Novemeber. I really happy with my girlfriend and I love her more then anyone I have ever met. She truely is a wonderful and amazing person. I just wish my friend was around to share in my happiness.

@Cynthia - Thank you for you kind comment and advice.

@Joanna - sorry to make you cry.

[*Vanessa*]

Vent away -

On the contrary you are a wonderful boyfriend for showing so much compassion for your lost friend. You will probably miss your friend for a long time and this is a good thing. I am sure your current girlfriend sees your connection to her as well.

No need to say sorry, there are many here willing to listen. - take care