SO and I talking about marriage...CD question.

[simsdudley111]

Hello everyone.
Not a big surprise we started talking about marriage. It is the next logical step since we've been together over 5 years and are living together. So obviously this is the time to tell her about my crossdressing. I'm almost sure she will have the same reaction as a lot of SO's ( shock, anger, questions etc.), but I think in the end everyhthing will be fine..
Now my question. If she is "accepting" or she "tolerates" my cd'ing, will I then progress in my activity? What I mean is I basically just wear lingerie, high heels etc. If she is accepting will I advance to wearing wigs, makeup and looking to pass in public? Is this how you progressed (once your SO knew)?? Love this forum and thank you in advance:)

[*Vanessa*]

If she is excepting and offers you her support, be prepared to have your head blown off!! In goodness of course.

Don't think about an outcome before it happens. Be prepared of course, but let life happen. The beauty of this is, it maybe more then 'you' are ready for.

Congrats :)

[kimdl93]

I agree, this isn't a progressive illness. And I think that if she's given good information she'll be more likely to accept this as a part of you. Please do check out the "how to tell ... thread before you have the talk.

[ReineD]

If she is accepting will I advance to wearing wigs, makeup and looking to pass in public? Is this how you progressed (once your SO knew)?? Love this forum and thank you in advance:)

If you're asking the question it means that you've thought about doing this already? If so, be prepared for an expansion of your CDing desires. I'm saying this based on experiences I've read here, time and time again. It's called the Pink Fog.

But, ultimately it's up to you. :)

[brenda b smith]

[QUOTE=simsdudley111;2634807]Hello everyone.
Not a big surprise we started talking about marriage. It is the next logical step since we've been together over 5 years and are living together. So obviously this is the time to tell her about my crossdressing. I'm almost sure she will have the same reaction as a lot of SO's ( shock, anger, questions etc.), but I think in the end everyhthing will be fine..
Now my question. If she is "accepting" or she "tolerates" my cd'ing, will I then progress in my activity? What I mean is I basically just wear lingerie, high heels etc. If she is accepting will I advance to wearing wigs, makeup and looking to pass in public? Is this how you progressed (once your SO knew)?? Love this forum and thank you in advance:)[/QUOTE

[kimdl93]

Reine makes a good point...we do tend to expand in our CDing as time goes on. I often wonder about whether my inner desire to dress has changed over time, or if its a matter of attaining a greater degree of self awareness over time. I suppose it really doesn't matter which in terms of the end result. (maybe I can blame all this on the pink fog!)

But I suppose it may matter a great deal to your GF. So, try not to make promises that you can't keep. And if she is willing, it might be a good idea to suggest that she join the forum herself.

[J'lyn GG]

If you think you may want to expand your cding, please, please, please tell her when you have the talk. IMO, aside from being told years into a marriage, there is nothing worse than telling an SO of your cding, but then 'expanding' your experience beyond what you told her in the beginning. If you tell her, tell her ALL. Do not hold anything back.

[simsdudley111]

Thank you, I do have an inclination of getting ahead of myself..

[ReineD]

If you think you may want to expand your cding, please, please, please tell her when you have the talk. IMO, aside from being told years into a marriage, there is nothing worse than telling an SO of your cding, but then 'expanding' your experience beyond what you told her in the beginning. If you tell her, tell her ALL. Do not hold anything back.

The trouble J'lyn, is that many CDers don't know beyond where they're at, how far it will go. It's as if there is a built-in resistance to going further, despite having the desires that grow in time. My own SO experienced this. When he told me about the CDing he had very few clothes, and he wasn't really thinking about going out. He told me later that he never thought he could pass well enough to do so. But then he made certain changes (hair removal mostly, including laser beard treatments), and expanded her wardrobe (it took some experimentation before she could find her style), plus changing her hair and getting better at makeup, and then we were off to the races. For a while I didn't know where it was all headed, but it's all OK now. He only just ever wanted his femme side to catch up with his guy side, so that she could have the freedom to come and go at will, a few times per week.

Still, Simsdudley, if you think you have even the vaguest fantasy now of being able to pass convincingly in public, you would do well to share this with your SO even if you've no idea at this time how you plan to accomplish this.

[Eryn]

Reine speaks the truth. My experience is pretty much the same as her SO. I had had little opportunity to explore my own feelings before "the talk" so afterward my CDing activity, with my wife's help, did expand. How far it expands will depend on the individual.

Don't expect instant acceptance/tolerance/etc. It will take time for her to come to terms with the concept. You have lived with it for a long time and she is going to have it dropped in her lap all at once. She'll have questions, fears, and prejudices about CDing and these won't be resolved overnight. Help her research things when she is ready. It might be a good idea to introduce her to this forum as well, but do tell her that some topics (transitioning, for example) are discussed much more than they are actually done.

[ReineD]

It might be a good idea to introduce her to this forum as well, but do tell her that some topics (transitioning, for example) are discussed much more than they are actually done.

That's the truth! Fantasy is a big part of this for many CDers (I tend to think more so for the closeted CDs than the others, but who really knows), and every new GG SO is well advised to check with her own SO when she reads certain threads, to see how they fit.

A lot of people are here just having fun, and they never plan on having their wives read their posts. :p

[Cheryl T]

I didn't "progress" to wanting to wear makeup, a wig and go out in public. I always felt that way.
Having an understanding spouse just made that desire a reality and continues to do so.

Whether or not you move in the direction of wanting more and desiring to pass in public is something only you can answer and that answer can only be right for you.

[Lorileah]

Now my question. If she is "accepting" or she "tolerates" my cd'ing, will I then progress in my activity?

If you eat a cherry will you need to eat cherries everyday? Once a year? Ever?
You will do whatever you will do anyway. It is just as likely that you will quit dressing. Don't sweat that. You really do need to be upfront like you plan though.

I wish you all the luck and happiness I can. I hope you have a long life together. Don't take it for granted, cherish every day.

[Alice B]

I think your first question to yourself is- what will I do if she is not accepting? If she is accpepting if means THE TWO OF YOU HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND ESTABLISH THE GROUND RULES. You are going to be partners and working together, with open honest discussion will lead to a long happy marriage.

[AnitaH]

I'd suggest that you be open with her. If your not sure where this will lead you, if your not positive that you'll not be expanding your horizons tell her you might. Try to be honest with yourself about your desires and who you are deep down. Do some hard honest soul searching. This may help you have a better idea about yourself, then you can be open and honest with her.

Take it from me. I told my, now wife, about my CD on our 2nd or 3rd date but also that I was quitting. Now many years later that is not the reality. I have recently had to tell her the truth, that there is something, some part of me I can no longer deny or ignore and that I don't know for sure where it may be leading me. She is dealing with it fairly well but I will admit it would have been far better to have told her this in the beginning. I just wasn't aware of these things, or honest with myself about myself at the time. More honest soul searching should have been called for back then.

AnitaH

[Eryn]

I think your first question to yourself is- what will I do if she is not accepting? If she is accpepting if means THE TWO OF YOU HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND ESTABLISH THE GROUND RULES. You are going to be partners and working together, with open honest discussion will lead to a long happy marriage.

Very true, but some people mistake the "ground rules" as an unchangable "line in the sand." Ground rules are a mutual understanding of what you and she will do and are subject to change as your relationship grows and changes. You will change and so will she. Supporting each other through the changes is a natural part of your life together.

[DebbieL]

Before you talk to her, you want to really look at where you would ideally like it to go. It sounds to me like you are attracted to women, this woman in particular. It also sounds like you are not contemplating a sex change. But you probably want to look at your safe and sane ideal relationship. Would you like to just have sex with her while dressed? Would you like to go dancing with her? Would you like to go to dinner with her? Would you like to go shopping with her?

What are you willing to bring to the party along with the dressing?

More importantly, try to determine what aspects of what she likes about you come from your dressing, and what aspects she dislikes about you come from your masculine side, or your attempt to be masculine?

The important thing is that she needs to understand that when she fell in love with YOU, part of what has made YOU YOU, is that you have been transgendered and a cross-dresser. That doesn't mean that you want to change your sex or have sex with men. Being a cross-dresser has made you more compassionate, more tolerant of others, more understanding, more aware of what it takes for a woman to be beautiful, more able to appreciate that effort when it's taken, and more willing to give up your "masculinity", allowing your fiance' to make requests, take control when she wants, and talk to you about feelings, or whatever other wonderful things YOU do, that she loves about you.

You are correct. She will have a period of transition to deal with. In the best case, she may already suspect, and may even like that you aren't so "macho". She my even be grateful to know that this is all there is.

In the worst case, she may be upset;
That you lied about it for 5 years.
That you didn't trust her enough to tell her.
That you didn't feel safe with her.
That you waited until after letting her fall in love to tell her.

It's important that she understands WHY it was so hard for you to share this secret.
Let her know about the pain you went through when you were younger.
Let her know about any abuse you experienced as a kid - from other boys, from adults, from parents...
Let her know how hard it was for you to keep the secret.
Let her know how much you were afraid you would lose her.
Let her know how important she is to you.

Next, have her think about what SHE wants from the relationship.
And ask what she'd like to do with this new dimension of the relationship.
Are there things she has been wanting from you that she has been afraid to ask for?
This could be sexual, social, or even just roles in the relationship.

These are all things that you should sort out before getting married anyway, but putting it in the context of the revelation of your dressing might actually give her freedom to express some of HER secret life-long dreams, things she has wished for but was afraid to speak for fear that you might reject her.

Who knows, you may find that she wants to wear the Tux, and let you wear the gown.

More than anything, be willing to give her some time, let her go through the shock, anger, pain, sadness, guilt, shame, and acceptance, and be loving through every phase.

At worst, she won't accept you, and you will know that you need to move on, and be more honest in the future.

The very worst that could possibly happen is that she would lie and pretend to accept when in fact she is totally turned off by the whole thing and disgusted, but doesn't want to miss the opportunity to get married to a man who could be a good provider and loving husband.

Things you should both know.

You won't out grow it.
It won't go away.
You may want more once you have some freedom.
You may want to go out in public.
You may want to shave your legs.
You may want to make other cosmetic changes (eyebrows, hair, earrings,...).
You can accept boundaries (not at church, not around her family...).

[Hotscot]

And please stay in touch and let us know how things are...
Regards
Alanna

[docrobbysherry]

Here's how marriages work, Sims:

NO ONE KNOWS, until AFTER the fact! Why some couples stay together happily, while others r either unhappy or separate! U pays your money and takes your chances! One tip, marriage is NOT about your CDing! If it IS, you're NOT READY! There's MANY more important issues u will have to overcome to remain together!

[PretzelGirl]

. I'm almost sure she will have the same reaction as a lot of SO's ( shock, anger, questions etc.), but I think in the end everyhthing will be fine..

I don't know if I agree with this presumption. There is a lot of that for those that talk after marriage, but I am not quite as sure when it is before marriage.

But more importantly, consider this. How successful you are depends upon how her mind works and your presentation. Get the thoughts that she will be angry out of your mind. You want to present it in a good light. So think of a positive response from her and talk to her without overloading her and always with the most respect and love.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife's positive reaction did not change my desires in any way, it just allows us to talk about it and for me to enjoy myself without shame and fear. Tell her.

[Stephanie47]

You can be guaranteed of nothing. Even though you and your SO have been together for five years, there is no assurance she will tolerate it at all. You will be presenting an entirely new aspect of your personality that she does not know. You did not give us any indication she may be agreeable or tolerant of cross dressing. Marriages that have been successful for decades have been torn apart by cross dressing revelations. Just be prepared for the worse, and, hope for the best.

I'm kind of surprised your cross dressing has not gone past lingerie and heels, since your bio says your 38. Why didn't you progress further? No interest? Fear? Self loathing? Guilt? That may be the extent of your desires. I would characterize it as a lingerie fetish. However, that's how my interest started. At first it was bedroom play of a young newly married couple. We bought my lingerie and stockings together. My wife asked me not to wear lingerie to bed after our child was born. OK! My desires expanded to buying some slips and panties and then a bra or two. Next, a dress or two or three or 79. Heels. Wigs. Makeup.

My wife said, if she had known before the marriage and development of the relationship, she would not have married me. My intent is not to rain on your parade. There are no guarantees in life, especially with cross dressing. And, what may be acceptable today, tomorrow or next year, may not be acceptable in five or ten.

[Diane Smith]

It concerns me that you've been together five years already and haven't told her. The soundest advice I've read here is that a couple should have "the talk" at or before an exclusive commitment is made, and you are way, way past that point. Don't be surprised if she reacts more strongly than you're expecting -- at least as much because she will be angry you withheld this information for so long, as for the crossdressing itself.

- Diane

[eluuzion]

It is the next logical step

First things first...Based upon personal experience...not many of the things that happened in my relationships could be described as being "logical". :heehee:


Now my question. If she is "accepting" or she "tolerates" my cd'ing, will I then progress in my activity? What I mean is I basically just wear lingerie, high heels etc. If she is accepting will I advance to wearing wigs, makeup and looking to pass in public?

Well, based upon the format of your questioning, you seem to have a good handle on the key to a successful marriage. (if you just edit your questioning paragraph a bit...you have your own answers... here, let me do this for you as example...

First, you inform her about your CD interests. Let's say she accepts the deal.
Then you get married. Here is how this scenario will then look...(by simply editing the content you originally wrote...)

"Honey, Can I progress in my activity?" "Honey, Can I advance to wearing wigs, makeup and looking to pass in public?"

There ya go... marriage longevity seems to be all about asking permission and following directions...and buying jewelry, and apologizing, :heehee::D:heehee:

:hugs:
:love:

[J'lyn GG]

The trouble J'lyn, is that many CDers don't know beyond where they're at, how far it will go. It's as if there is a built-in resistance to going further, despite having the desires that grow in time. My own SO experienced this. When he told me about the CDing he had very few clothes, and he wasn't really thinking about going out. He told me later that he never thought he could pass well enough to do so. But then he made certain changes (hair removal mostly, including laser beard treatments), and expanded her wardrobe (it took some experimentation before she could find her style), plus changing her hair and getting better at makeup, and then we were off to the races. For a while I didn't know where it was all headed, but it's all OK now. He only just ever wanted his femme side to catch up with his guy side, so that she could have the freedom to come and go at will, a few times per week.

Still, Simsdudley, if you think you have even the vaguest fantasy now of being able to pass convincingly in public, you would do well to share this with your SO even if you've no idea at this time how you plan to accomplish this.

I realize that, Reine. However, you are a better woman than me, I guess. I was not okay with the 'femme side' catching up to the male side, however fast he wanted it to. I think there are a lot of women that would not be okay with this, also. My husband chose to marry me, not divulging this tidbit of information. The least he can do is go at a slow pace to 'explore', also allowing me to be able to expand, if necessary.

So, IMO, if the OP has inclination that he wants to expand his cding (which I think he probably does, based on his post) then he should mention it.

[Jessica86]

So, IMO, if the OP has inclination that he wants to expand his cding (which I think he probably does, based on his post) then he should mention it.

Agree with that. Definately should mention it. Any relationship going to the marriage level is going to have secrets. Both parties should be in on each other's secrets. If she doesn't accept it, then you don't belong together. Sorry, but that person doesn't truly love YOU. She loves things about you....but not YOU.

Not to put the crossdressers down, but even I am guilty of it. It seems we don't analyze both sides of the story when telling our SO. Some will, don't get me wrong. I didn't. I know all I thought about the whole week before I told my wife was "What if she leaves me? What if I lose my job? What will my family think?" When the questions should be from their stand point...so answers can be ready. For example (from wife's stand point) "Is he gay? Does he want a sex change? Will this ever stop?" Stuff like that. Think of what she can think. Have answers ready....and quick. Say what is on your mind, and do not lie. The admission is the big thing. After that, it's easy going. There's no other questions that can be asked that will put you in that situation again. Make agreements/boundaries on it. My wife's only one was that she didn't want me to go out. Now, that has changed because she has seen everything involved, and wants me to go out with her. She says its "Like having a best friend and the best husband in the world, thrown into one."

That being said, I can not agree to those GGs who are with a cross dresser, and then leave or choose to suddenly not accept it anymore at all. Sure, it is a betrayal of trust, but you have to look at it from the guy's stand point too. As he tells you this, he is the same guy now as he was yesterday. He will be tomorrow too. Why is it worth throwing a relationship away where 1. You know the guy won't cheat on you.....you know his darkest secret. 2. You get to go shopping with him, and he knows your style better than you do. 3. He knows what you are thinking and understands you better than anyone. I could go on and on, but it is something I have strong feelings over. Clothes causing divorce. Wow. Seen it so many times on the site, and each time....I just don't understand it. Would you rather hear he is having an affair, he's really a felon, a crack/meth user, or leaving you without explanation? There's worse to hear.

[BRANDYJ]

As the saying goes..."give an inch and they take a mile" Assuming you get acceptance in what you tell her about yourself, you will probably enter the pink fog zone and leave her a mile behind. I agree with those that say tell her all, don't hold back what it is you want or where you are going with crossdressing. By not telling all and intentionally leaving out details such as wanting to dress completely, dress every chance you can, go out dressed, etc. You might find she will do a 180 in accepting this about you. The sage advice is to go slow with it IF she accepts. Let her lead in what she can deal with, how far it will go. Push to hard and her acceptance can turn into her being totally turned off by it and by you. I see to many CD's that get that inch and take a mile only to cause worry, pain and loss of love from their wife/girlfriend for pushing to fast and to far. If you are not prepared to consider her wants and needs in this before your own, you could be heading for disaster. She fell in love with a man, wants a man, and if to much femininity surfaces to soon, she may end it and go look for a man. Know her comfort level and don't push it. Consider her first if you love her.

[Jonianne]

.....I see to many CD's that get that inch and take a mile only to cause worry, pain and loss of love from their wife/girlfriend for pushing to fast and to far......Consider her first if you love her.

If she is accepting, beware the PINK FOG is around the corner. You have to navigate your way extremely slow thru that or else you will lose her and crash.

It's not a healthy way to start, if you have been together for 5 years and she has no clue. Cd'ing is too important a factor to keep a secret all this time, in a relationship. Make amends.

[gabimartini]

My two cents: try not to rush things. Realize that although you may be lifting a burden off our shoulders, she will be getting one. You've dealt with this your whole life and know it's nothing to be afraid of; she won't be so sure. She may question your masculinity, she may question your feelings for her, so be prepared to answer everything and anything with love, honesty and patience. And, most importantly, if she means anything to you, respect her timing. Continue dressing in private until she says she's ready for you, and beware: that time may never come. People react differently, so don't make any plans regarding the progression of your dressing just yet.

Good luck.

[J'lyn GG]

That being said, I can not agree to those GGs who are with a cross dresser, and then leave or choose to suddenly not accept it anymore at all. Sure, it is a betrayal of trust, but you have to look at it from the guy's stand point too. As he tells you this, he is the same guy now as he was yesterday. He will be tomorrow too. Why is it worth throwing a relationship away where 1. You know the guy won't cheat on you.....you know his darkest secret. 2. You get to go shopping with him, and he knows your style better than you do. 3. He knows what you are thinking and understands you better than anyone. I could go on and on, but it is something I have strong feelings over. Clothes causing divorce. Wow. Seen it so many times on the site, and each time....I just don't understand it. Would you rather hear he is having an affair, he's really a felon, a crack/meth user, or leaving you without explanation? There's worse to hear.

Hearing the things I hear, divorces are NOT over clothes in most cases. I'm married to one of the good guys, but thats not always the case. Some cders DO cheat. With men and with women. Divorces often have to do with selfishness on one or both parties. The inability of the cder not being willing to respect the comfort level of their spouse. Some cders' personalities completely change when they dress, for the better or for the worse. In the general population, there are good husbands and bad husbands. Some of the good husbands are cders and some of the bad husbands are cders.

[Alice B]

As Erin said, the ground rules can change and mine have. Because we started with open, honest conversation and set ground rules my wife has over time become much more accepting and granted me a great deal more freedom. And it gets better all the time. Necer any secrets and always honest. It works.

[simsdudley111]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I didn't even consider some of the situations that may arise. I'm going to take it nice and slow, consider my SO first, and be as honest as I can and we will see what happens. Perhaps I should be as honest with myself prior to "laying it all out" for my SO. This post has given me a lot to process.
Thanks again and I will let you all know how it turns out...

[Jessica86]

Hearing the things I hear, divorces are NOT over clothes in most cases. I'm married to one of the good guys, but thats not always the case. Some cders DO cheat. With men and with women. Divorces often have to do with selfishness on one or both parties. The inability of the cder not being willing to respect the comfort level of their spouse. Some cders' personalities completely change when they dress, for the better or for the worse. In the general population, there are good husbands and bad husbands. Some of the good husbands are cders and some of the bad husbands are cders.

I agree with that, but willing to respect comfort level. I also still think that a woman married to a cross dressing man has a far greater chance of that male NOT cheating on her. I stand by that, because I've never ran into a GG on this forum who asked how to cope with her cross dressing husband that found another woman. It hasn't happened yet. I have seen them find other men, but to me, that is not under the cross dresser category. More transgendered. I think what most people need to understand is this is something in our heads. A cross dresser (no offense to anyone) who joins and says they have been doing this for a month....no....they can change it. Someone like me, who has been dressing 20 years and I'm 25....I can't. It's part of who I am. I respect my wife's limitations, but she also understands this is something that can not be healed. It won't go away. So, it's a two way street but I see too many times the dressing being brought up in custody hearings as well as divorce hearings. Yet....it supposedly never has anything to do with it. I just don't understand.

[ReineD]

I realize that, Reine. However, you are a better woman than me, I guess. I was not okay with the 'femme side' catching up to the male side, however fast he wanted it to. I think there are a lot of women that would not be okay with this, also.

Whether a woman supports the CDing or not is not a question of being better or worse than anyone else. It just is what it is, based on her personality and life circumstances. My point was not about a wife needing to be at any particular level of acceptance but rather, she needs to be realistic about the fact that some things in life do, most decidedly, change.

That said I would expect my partner to tell me the complete truth about himself and wherever he's at, at any particular point in time, just as I strive to do with him. But do I expect that new realizations or needs will not materialize? No. Life just doesn't work that way. How my SO and I choose to navigate future changes, however, is entirely up to us.

[jillleanne]

First of all, nothing is obvious in expressing one's gender enhancements. If the time feels right for you, then it's time. I love you positive attitude also which to me, just makes everything that must easier. The question of progression can only be answered by you and your relationship with her, other things equal. If all you mention in your post is your current desire, then only you can make it happen and probably will by the sounds of it. If what you ask is food for the future as to what to expect? No one knows what or where they may or may not progress/evolve to. This cannot be read through a crystal ball unfortunately and no two scenarios for any two people will be identical so trying to answer that is impossible. Here is a fact: You will become who you are whether you want to or not. Who you share the truth with is your choice.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm almost sure she will have the same reaction as a lot of SO's ( shock, anger, questions etc.), but I think in the end everyhthing will be fine.
Don't jump the gun. And, be prepared for the worst; remember that the vast majority of women WOULD NOT choose to date a crossdresser. Be ready for detailed explanations if she wants them. Have literature ready (the one 'he wears my clothes' or something like that). Be prepared to explain why you're not gay, because this is a very common belief about crossdressers. I, too, had gone over it in my mind a thousand times, and also thought my wife would eventually be accepting. I was so, so wrong. Remember, people don't fall in love with the other person; they fall in love with the image they create of that person in their own mind, based on what they know about that person. When you come out to your girlfriend, thatmasculine image will be shattered, and be replaced by something else. What else, no one can tell. But it will include the image of you in a dress. If that idea creeps her out at all, you may be looking at the end. Don't go into this lightly. Be very, very careful, and be prepared for absolutely anything. I'd hate to see your relationship go down the tubes the way mine did. Good luck. You're going to need it.