telling wife

[wilt575]

How did you tell your wife or s/o? and her acceptance did you ever get it and how? I still dont have fully she found some bras I had stashed with panties and capri pants she tolerates it as long she does not get involved(out of site out of mind) I don't push. Hope some day she deciedes it can't lick em join em. How do you feel an I onto something?

[ReineD]

The CDers who have accepting wives have gotten there with lots of communication. Very few people understand what the CDing is all about, and if you leave it up to your wife to figure it out on her own and eventually want to get involved, I don't think it's going to happen. It is likely she is thinking, "out of sight, out of mind" and she is hoping you aren't thinking about it very much.

I have two links to threads under my signature, written by a GG who was a member here years ago: "How to tell your partner" and "Now I like it, now I don't". Please do read them.

Welcome to the forum! :hugs:

[sissystephanie]

Reine gave you some very good advice! I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her! She accepted me "as is", and then we kept on talking about crossdressing. She laid out some rules and I agreed to them! I was always very careful to let her know that she was the most important thing in my life, and that I was her MAN, no matter what clothing I had on!! We had almost 50 years together before cancer took her!!

[Eryn]

Definitely read the material that Reine suggests, then read it again.

I think the actual process starts with the phrase "Dear, there's something that has been troubling me for a long time and I'd like to discuss it."

Have your say, then let her have her say. Don't expect to resolve things in one sitting. You'll spend a lot of time on this.

[Intertwined]

Like many others here, I didn't tell her, she discovered it about a year into our marriage, we've been married 14 years now.

Funny you start this thread today, why? for the past 4 hours, my wife has been, , , violent, to the point of throwing things.

My CD has destroyed our marriage, destroyed her livelyhood, she has no friends because of it, her family dosn't speak to her because of it (THEY don't know, that I know of), she gave up her medical coding certification when I moved us out of the appartment she was living in, in La Mesa, to the home I own in San Clemente, she also gave up her cosmotology license because of me? She reminded me she made more money at coding medical records 15 years ago, than I do today as a bus driver.

I broke 1 rule, once, dumb mistake, and I have been paying for it for 7 years, I brought it into our bedroom, I came to bed, after she was asleep, wearing a bra under my pajamas, in the middle of the night she woke, feeling frisky, discovered me wearing the bra, we havn't slept in the same room or had ___ since.

Our house being 50 years old and falling appart is my fault, she says its a mossolium to my father and mother, the house was my fathers, some of the furniture was my mothers. The roof leaks, its nearly 20 years old, were already $12K in dept, I can't afford a new roof. I have done what I could to remodel the bathroom and kitchen, but, somethings I don't have the tools or know how to do, thats my fault, or its my fault I can't afford someone to fix it.

She reminded me We don't go anywhere or do anything unless she plans it, I can't plan going anywhere, because she is sick most of the time (severe digestion problems, allergies, PTSD & a prosthetic that dosn't fit), the couple of times I have made plans, we have to cancel because she can't go.

Her mother recently died, she says she was her only support, and that now she is waiting for her father to die (he is not doing well), then as she put it, "it will be all over".

She hates the fact that, she says, I keep shoving it in her face on Facebook, even tho I have 2 Facebook accounts, (EVERYONE knows this, 1 account never mentions anything about CD TG or the like, account 2 does). So I have deleted both Facebook accounts.

I will stop here, I am hijacking your thread...

[sandra-leigh]

You have been wearing forms "24/7" for "years", but your wife doesn't know that, and has only seen your bras in your "stash" ??

[Intertwined]

You have been wearing forms "24/7" for "years", but your wife doesn't know that, and has only seen your bras in your "stash" ??

Not sure who your talking to Sandra? if this is directed towards me, 1; I don't wear forms, 2; my wife has known of my crossdressing since we cleaned out a storage unit of mine, one year after we got married. She has even purchased a bra for me, when I was with her, while she was shopping for stuff for herself, that was a very long time ago...

[ReineD]

Intertwined, the comment was addressed to the OP based on her other posts.

[wilt575]

Sandra-leigh, She did not know because i'm heavy set and they didnt wear big enough to show that much around her and haven't been married that long. Also did own wash when was out.

[Valerie1973]

She pretty much caught me. I left some old photos hidden away and she found them. I dressed up for Halloween '04 and just had toooo much fun with it. She put two and two together, BUT, never said nothing. And I never said nothing. For me, I was at a point whereas I accepted myself but didn't know how to tell her. We just got too preoccupied with a new baby, she went back to school, I went back to school. I figured keeping my mouth shut was not lying. Recently it surfaced up. We were at the end of the road and we were both withdrawn. That was it, I was convinced we were going to throw in the towel and go our own ways. We had an all day tear filled discussion and I confessed. It was just difficult for me to try and explain. I knew she'd hate it. It' very personal and private for me. Well, she did tell me she loved me and I should not be afraid. She doesn't like it, wants me to be discrete and never wants to see or know. So I'm right bake were I started. But she is willing to put up with it because she knows it's something I like to do. The key point is, women hate secrets and lies, bottom line. Since then we have grown much closer and wow. From averaging sex once a year to 3 time a week now. Our 10th is coming btw. Good luck.

[ReineD]

Valerie, your very short account should be emblazoned in lights for all CDers to see, who think that everything will be lost when their wives find out:

He thinks:

I figured keeping my mouth shut was not lying. Recently it surfaced up. We were at the end of the road and we were both withdrawn. That was it, I was convinced we were going to throw in the towel and go our own ways. We had an all day tear filled discussion and I confessed. It was just difficult for me to try and explain. I knew she'd hate it.

She says:


Well, she did tell me she loved me and I should not be afraid. She doesn't like it, wants me to be discrete and never wants to see or know. But she is willing to put up with it because she knows it's something I like to do.

The Result:


The key point is, women hate secrets and lies, bottom line. Since then we have grown much closer and wow. From averaging sex once a year to 3 time a week now. Our 10th is coming btw.

Oh, and Valerie ... just as CDer's needs change over time, so can the wives' acceptance levels. I'm not saying she'll jump for joy tomorrow, but if she can get to the point where she doesn't feel her marriage is threatened by the CDing, if she does not keep finding out more surprises, she may in time want to find out more. There are CDers here whose wives lost their fear of the CDing after some years. Just be sure to be where you say you'll be, spend what you say you'll spend, don't make changes to your body unless you tell her about them first (shaving, pierced ears, long fingernails, etc), and don't meet people she doesn't know about (not that you would but I'm mentioning it just in case), and it should be fine. There is a chance she will be able to talk to you about this, just give it time. It wouldn't hurt to check up with her occasionally to ask her if she wants to know where you're at with the CDing.

So, to you and your wife: :love:

[kimdl93]

I can't add too much to what VAlerie and Reine have said, among others. I'll simply relate my experience. My first wife discovered my interest when she encouraged me to dress up in her undies for some bedroom play. She could tell I enjoyed it and thereafter cross dressing became a recurring theme in our love lives. Fast forward...divorced for other reasons...and before we got too serious, I told my gf (eventually my wife) about my interest in CDing. She was very understanding and had continued to be accepting as, frankly, my level of involvement has increased to nearly full time. I don't think my experience is necesarily representative, but I can say that open, honest, early and frequent communications have been a key...and I'll credit her for being realy good at talking things through.

[Lorileah]

I didn't tell my wife. She "knew" from early on that I was "different". It was part of why she liked me. So as time went by and my underwear drawer had less tighty whiteys and more satin, she bought me those. When it was cold she suggested I wear pantyhose to keep warm. When I looked longingly at a pair of heels, she bought them. It just worked out. Probably more because I didn't "flounce" or push. I let it evolve. That worked in my marriage.

With my GF, we met online and before we met I sent her a link to some of my photos. She asked who it was. I said "me" she said "OK". She accepted Lori from the start. In fact she loved Lori as much as she loved me. She "missed" Lori when Lori went away for several years.

With both cases, I didn't hide my desire. we talked about it. I didn't sneak around in regard to what I wore. In both cases I didn't push or force. It worked out well both times. I have been lucky. I had two women who loved me. They didn't care about what I wore. I loved them. And therein lies the key to MY relationships. You love the person, you talk like best friends, you communicate.

[Valerie1973]

Thank you Reine, we do and Me especially, have a long new road ahead of us. One step at a time I suppose.

[Kittyagain]

My telling parallels Kim's and Lori.

After reading so many "How do I tell my wife" post, I am convinced what one should do is try to read your wife first. Is she less feminine than other women you know? Even though she dresses casual, does she still look pretty? Does she wear little or no makeup all of the time? Are her clothes for the most part plain?

Although this is not a 100% indicator, a woman that holds a heightened feminine look in low esteem will likely feel the same about your feminine dressing.

Religious beliefs can be a problem as well of course.

Above all else is love. If you both love each other then you have a good step forward.

Don't use this information as a decesion maker, but as a general thought.

Kitty

[Marlana]

I would like to have this conversation with my wife, but she has informed me that she is a girly-girl. Doesn't want to see it. So when she travels, I get to bring out my femme side. When she returns, most of it get's packed away until the next time. I fear that she'll leave and take our child with her. So I'm slowly working on her. She said no to physical changes.

[Joan21]

When I told my wife she said it's k as long as she didn't see it. Over time she started to ask things about what I wore an what I did when I was dressed. An now 2 years later she loves it when I'm dressed. Thers been alot of communication and patience in thus ordeal but she is very understanding and a great woman!

[Stacey Summer]

My SO found out the weekend we got together. Didn't tell her exactly. We were getting frisky and I put on her undewear as a joke/testing the waters and she didn't seem to mind. Then she bought a pair of knee-high platform boots and I demanded that we go get me a pair too. She was fine with it until she realised that it was more than just a bedroom thing. Still dealing with those issues...

[prettytoes]

My wife found my stash of clothes, after 27 years of marriage. I came home from a weekend in the mountains to all my female clothing neatly spread out over our bed. There were all the expected questions, a brief period of not talking, then we talked it out with lots of tears. I explained to her that this has been part of me ever since I can remember, that I have no desire to become a woman, that I have no sexual interest in men, and that she is the only one for me and I will always be her man.
I no longer hide any of my clothes, and they go in the wash just like anything else. I wear panties 24/7, mostly satin bikinis, I keep my toenails painted all the time, I sleep in nighties, I lounge in yoga pants, I wear sport bras when I work out, and I shave my legs and armpits. I have several skirts, but I will not wear them in front of my wife, because I know that would make her uncomfortable. I think that will change with time. I do not wear nighties when we are intimate, but she's ok with the satin panties (her touch while wearing them is pretty awesome!). I tell her all the time how much I love her, and how much I appreciate what she does for me.

[Danni Renee]

How did I tell my SO? The HARD way, or at least it seemed that way. The day I told her, I had not planned on telling her. She sensed something in me though and started questioning me and in the middle of the conversation she finally dragged it out of me (lots of crying and fears). She was accepting right from the start and though we initially had a couple of issues as we defined boundaries, we are still together and she is fully accepting of my female side.

Take it slow, be patient, and hopefully she will be understanding and accept you.

Danni