HunkyDory
10-26-2011, 01:27 AM
So many "coming out" stories, so many wonderful, intelligent opinions and sterling advice to muddle thru. I spent time reading many of them, culling as much insight and wisdom from others. So I am adding my story to the collective.
This is multi chapter story so please bear with me.
Chapter 1. Coming out to my wife- again.
My wife found out early in our relationship that I liked to wear womens lingerie. She was accepting of this though she stated it really didn't do much for her so I never really pursued that passion with her. Our relationship grew and we married. 21+ years later, 3 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog, life is okay. All thruout our marriage she has known of my secret passions and suspected I dabbled with the lingerie at times without her. She had placed all my feminine articles high in the closet so the kids wouldn't find them... she knew. I wouldn't deny it if she mentioned it but it was rare it was brought up. I guess we had a "out of sight, out of mind" policy about it.
According to her, I have long been denying who I am and needed to learn to accept myself and tell her why I am so closed and distant at times with her. I have my issues, true. Been to therapy for depression and stress, even was on anti-depressants for a while. At times we argue over stupid stuff. She tells me how my actions and selfishness have hurt her. It was never my intention to do so.
To say that I have been honest with her all these years about my CD'ing activities would be a lie. The desires to dress more fully have become more evident inside me over the years. This is my secret I kept from her. She knew I was hiding something. (Her intuition is pretty spot on)
To explain my feelings, my desires, my needs about dressing was coming to a boiling point. I am feeling rather cornered and I put myself in that place. If I can't trust my wife who can I trust?
My car is at the shop and I need to collect it. She drives me there. I take the opportunity to broach the subject in transit. I open up with light talk about our relationship and touch on my CD'ing desires. Her response is that she doesn't understand it completely but that I just need to accept who I am. I do accept it but she's not sure to believe me. We banter a bit back and forth about that point but 10 minutes into the conversation it isn't going well. I back off. I can't pressure her right now. We are speeding down a highway at 65mph so I can't freak her out behind the wheel. I don't want us to be next day's news story on page 1... "Husband and wife die after losing control of car. Woman dies with a shocked look on her face. Man found wearing a bra and panties." Oh not good.
Several days later we talk again. I thought it best to discuss it over a bottle of wine sitting stationary at home. I take her to the couch and we sit down. So I say it, "I am a crossdresser dear. I have been for many years." She knows. Then I open up and tell her my desires have increased over the years for my wanting to dress more. She stares into space. I don't know what she is thinking. I tell her that this is the toughest thing I had to admit to her and I am so terrified that this revelation will push her away and make her want to leave me. I am prepared to answer her questions if she had any, and to answer honestly.
And she has some tough questions. <panic, stress... I want to avoid them> No, I promised to answer the best I can, as nerve-wracking as it is. She must process this info and find where she fits in the relationship now. I listen and I respond to her. She listens and takes it in. I feel awkward and vulnerable. I can sense she is a bit confused.
I ask,"How do you feel about this?". Surprisingly she said that she was not angry, glad that I was honest with her, but disappointed. She didn't elaborate on the last point. She can be very analytical and must absorb as much information on a subject before she forms an opinion. At this stage I must back off and let her find her own answers. I gave her my truth, THE truth. She now has to either accept or reject it. And I have to wait to see if she can come to terms with it and if there are any boundries to be set.
With tears in my eyes I tell her she is the one I trust with all my heart and that I love her so. She softly says to me, "I love you too. Now, don't you feel better that you spoke the truth." I do. She is amazing.
This is multi chapter story so please bear with me.
Chapter 1. Coming out to my wife- again.
My wife found out early in our relationship that I liked to wear womens lingerie. She was accepting of this though she stated it really didn't do much for her so I never really pursued that passion with her. Our relationship grew and we married. 21+ years later, 3 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog, life is okay. All thruout our marriage she has known of my secret passions and suspected I dabbled with the lingerie at times without her. She had placed all my feminine articles high in the closet so the kids wouldn't find them... she knew. I wouldn't deny it if she mentioned it but it was rare it was brought up. I guess we had a "out of sight, out of mind" policy about it.
According to her, I have long been denying who I am and needed to learn to accept myself and tell her why I am so closed and distant at times with her. I have my issues, true. Been to therapy for depression and stress, even was on anti-depressants for a while. At times we argue over stupid stuff. She tells me how my actions and selfishness have hurt her. It was never my intention to do so.
To say that I have been honest with her all these years about my CD'ing activities would be a lie. The desires to dress more fully have become more evident inside me over the years. This is my secret I kept from her. She knew I was hiding something. (Her intuition is pretty spot on)
To explain my feelings, my desires, my needs about dressing was coming to a boiling point. I am feeling rather cornered and I put myself in that place. If I can't trust my wife who can I trust?
My car is at the shop and I need to collect it. She drives me there. I take the opportunity to broach the subject in transit. I open up with light talk about our relationship and touch on my CD'ing desires. Her response is that she doesn't understand it completely but that I just need to accept who I am. I do accept it but she's not sure to believe me. We banter a bit back and forth about that point but 10 minutes into the conversation it isn't going well. I back off. I can't pressure her right now. We are speeding down a highway at 65mph so I can't freak her out behind the wheel. I don't want us to be next day's news story on page 1... "Husband and wife die after losing control of car. Woman dies with a shocked look on her face. Man found wearing a bra and panties." Oh not good.
Several days later we talk again. I thought it best to discuss it over a bottle of wine sitting stationary at home. I take her to the couch and we sit down. So I say it, "I am a crossdresser dear. I have been for many years." She knows. Then I open up and tell her my desires have increased over the years for my wanting to dress more. She stares into space. I don't know what she is thinking. I tell her that this is the toughest thing I had to admit to her and I am so terrified that this revelation will push her away and make her want to leave me. I am prepared to answer her questions if she had any, and to answer honestly.
And she has some tough questions. <panic, stress... I want to avoid them> No, I promised to answer the best I can, as nerve-wracking as it is. She must process this info and find where she fits in the relationship now. I listen and I respond to her. She listens and takes it in. I feel awkward and vulnerable. I can sense she is a bit confused.
I ask,"How do you feel about this?". Surprisingly she said that she was not angry, glad that I was honest with her, but disappointed. She didn't elaborate on the last point. She can be very analytical and must absorb as much information on a subject before she forms an opinion. At this stage I must back off and let her find her own answers. I gave her my truth, THE truth. She now has to either accept or reject it. And I have to wait to see if she can come to terms with it and if there are any boundries to be set.
With tears in my eyes I tell her she is the one I trust with all my heart and that I love her so. She softly says to me, "I love you too. Now, don't you feel better that you spoke the truth." I do. She is amazing.