The fear is so deep.

[Sandygal]

Why is our fear of telling people so deep, even if its someone like your Doctor. Between normal life and my marrige(Which is my largest fear of ever losing) I seem to have built up a lot of stress. Plus in the back of my mind, I have this constant theme running through my head. I wish I was born a girl. When I discused my problems, I left out the part about wanting to be a girl. But as I talked to her, I was actually screaming in my own head. Tell her, tell her. When we hide things like this, I'm sure its not doing us any good. I no that some of you are taking hormones without your wives being told, I'm not for that, but do the hormones calm you down. Did it bring you relief to tell your Doctor?

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Sandy once I told my Therapist and wife telling all my doctors was easy. Many in my wife's family know I am TG and long to transition to be female full time. My family know one knows yet working on that next.

Hugs

[ReineD]

When I discused my problems, I left out the part about wanting to be a girl. But as I talked to her, I was actually screaming in my own head. Tell her, tell her [....] I no that some of you are taking hormones without your wives being told, I'm not for that, but do the hormones calm you down. Did it bring you relief to tell your Doctor?

I believe the calming effect of low dose estrogen occurs when it is used to curb libido, if the CDing revolves around sex or masturbation. This is what estrogen does. It curbs libido. It takes large amounts of estrogen together with taking anti-androgens to femimize the body and entirely eliminate male sexual functionality.

If you want to have relief from your other feelings, it would be best to find a way to not suppress the CDing anymore, and try to find ways to express yourself outside of having to cram in 30-60 minutes of CDing during times when you find yourself alone in the house, always concerned that someone will walk in on you.

This may seem unrealistic for you right now, but in my opinion the more the dressing becomes normal in your life, the less you will find yourself fantasizing about it and wanting to scream. You've posted that your wife doesn't want to know anything about it. But, does she know what suppressing this is doing to your psyche? Is there a way she could be made to understand enough to at least be willing to negotiate with you, a solid block of hours on a regular basis where you can express yourself? And also, can you find a TG support group in your area and attend their meetings on a regular basis?

It's like a pressure cooker, Sandygal. If you only allow a small hole to let the steam out, the internal pressure will build to the point where it explodes when the lid is taken off. It's better to uncover the lid and allow the steam to escape as it builds.

Please give serious thought to my suggestions, and think about letting your wife know your needs.

:hugs:

[Sandygal]

Reine, thank you...its like you know me. Trisha..Thank you also, this is why I love this place.

[part-time-amanda]

Thank you as well reine. I'm expected to just stop, but that's not working. Builds until I HAVE to dress or someone gets hurt lol

[AlannahNorth]

Yeah - that is a tough one. I'm working on finding an outlet where I can appear dressed in public with an excuse to do so. It seems I have to go in that direction - it's like trying to stop a train (good luck!). I will succeed - just have to be creative and keep working on it. Should be fun...!

[ReineD]

Sandy, I cheated. I looked at a few of your past threads. But, I wasn't surprised to read your story. It is like many others here.

To Sandy & Amanda both, I want to help you realize something. I understand that your wives might not be into this. Women grow up in the same world you do, a world that tells them CDing is not OK. But, this doesn't help the reality of the situation, does it? Many of the CDers tacitly agree with their wives because they haven't fully accepted themselves. The CDers still believe they shouldn't be doing this. So the wife and the husband both go along sweeping things under the carpet, not facing the issues head on with a DADT attitude, all while the husband implodes. Not good.

What would you do if all of a sudden you had to have dialysis? Be driven to a hospital 3 times per week for treatment that takes 4 - 6 hours with the rest of the day shot? This would be a horrible situation that neither you nor your wives would be happy about. But, your wives would have to face the reality that it has to be dealt with. And you would not be able to deny that you need dialysis in order to keep your wives happy. I know this is an extreme analogy, but the point is, if you care to maintain a modicum of sanity you've got to come to terms with your needs and let your wives know your needs are real and they aren't going away. Read up on the CDing, buy books, find credible online sources. Educate yourselves. And then talk to your wives.

You can still respect their distaste if this is how they feel. You don't have to push the CDing onto them. But you can explain to them what it is, what it is not, what it means to you, how it started, how you've felt about it over the years ... the shame, the guilt, the purging. And you can tell your wives that you need to find ways to express yourselves that no longer feels like it is a dirty little secret. You can tell your wives that you no longer wish to hide. Ask your wives to help you figure out how you can do this and still respect their wishes to not be involved.

This may sound ideal and there will be many twists to the conversation that I can't possibly cover here since I don't know your personal situations nor your and your wives' backgrouds, but the point is you've got to take responsibility for yourselves and be truthful. Else it will only get worse.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm standing on a soapbox. It's just that I hate to see you suffer like this. And you may not have thought about this, but the anxiety you may feel must be coming through sideways in other areas? If it does, your wives are sensing this and they are also hurting because they do not understand what is going on. If they connect it to the CDing, they may be weaving stories about it that have nothing to do with your realities. And the problems escalate.

OK. I'm done now.

[Maria in heels]

Sandy...I read your post just now and I can tell you...

Yes, my wife knows about Maria, and over the years, has tried to actively allow Maria to be around the house, but only in private, and only when no one else is around out of the fear that someone may find out and "talk"

We have had our problems over the years, and I too, always wanted to tell my "doctor" (therapist) about Maria, but to this day, after many years, and an open line at any time to this person, I still have not said anything...we have talked about everything else, and even my wife has been with me to sessions or alone on her own, but I can't explain it...this therapist is more than just a doctor, more like a friend, who you can just pick up the phone and bounce an issue off of when you need guidance .. maybe someday I will, because I do think of just calling and saying: Hi Jim ! one thing that I left out is......<gulp> Maria

hiding things are not good for one's psyche, but we all do it up to a point..its like "biting your tongue" and not being "honest" when you don't say something ...

[Tina B.]

Reread what Reine wrote, she is spot on! It reads as if she got a hold of my life manuscript, I've lived just what she is saying, I found the biggest problem in my marriage turned out to be the pressure, on my denial, and what it caused me to be like, after we talked and I started dressing at home, without the need to hide from my own wife, the pressure lifted, I became a much nicer, and easier person to live with, and even cured a couple of medical things, such as a cure for what was a nervous stomach, that was on the way to an ulcer, and was a great cure for depression. I also became a much calmer person, and stopped getting out of sorts at the smallest thing, so it has worked great for the wife and I. I also thought I was TS back then, because being a women, and dressing was all I thought about, then I started dressing on a regular bases, and came to the realization I'm just a Cross dresser, and not TS at all, I just needed an outlet to express myself.
Tina B.

[Paula_56]

we are talking about that here

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?162702-Guilt-and-anxiety-freedom

[ReineD]

I also became a much calmer person, and stopped getting out of sorts at the smallest thing, so it has worked great for the wife and I.


I also thought I was TS back then, because being a women, and dressing was all I thought about, then I started dressing on a regular bases, and came to the realization I'm just a Cross dresser, and not TS at all, I just needed an outlet to express myself.

I can't tell you how many times I've read other CDs here say the same thing. I'm glad you finally came out to your wife. :hugs: