My reaction to latest therapy session

[Fractured]

I'm not sure what to make of my latest therapy session. It is making me question if I found a suitable therapist. I was hoping to receive some opinions from the members on this board based on their experiences.

Yesterday's session was focused on my goals for therapy. I explained that I had two contradictory and mutually exclusive goals: (1) to go down the path for gender reassignment and (2) to discover that my desire to change my body's sex was a bad response to something in my past (hence gender reassignment was not the correct path). My ultimate goal, though, is best described as being happy and satisfied with my life (which does not exclude either path mentioned).

The therapist was adamant in saying she thinks I "am far from GID" and "nowhere near GID." Which provides direction to proceed down path #2. But the manner in which she said it made it seem as if she dismissed my concerns as being silly. Which they may be, but it didn't feel good to have my feelings treated so cavalierly.

She also requested that I do not crossdress or partake in any other activity. I found this request somewhat odd. The only crossdressing I do is underdress and that occurs only when I have clean clothes (so it's not everyday). Yet she seemed to have the impression that I fully crossdress often. I acquiesced to this request, since it seemed like a small thing (even though I enjoy it and it makes me feel better).

She also requested that I not speak with my SO about my desires and thoughts regarding crossdressing and gender reasssignment or what we talk about in therapy. Which seems like the exact opposite of what is supposed to happen in a relationship between a married couple. My SO has been upset that I haven't been sharing these thoughts and concerns, so I am trying to open up to her. And now my therapist wants me to not discuss these feelings.

So we are going to explore femininity and female-ness in therapy and leave it out of my home life. And I have other issues that need to be resolved alongside my perception of who/what I am, so I'm not totally devastated by not proceeding down gender reassignment right now. I need to be sure that GR is what I have to do to survive before I take that path. But I question if I can survive without pursuing gender reassignment. When I mentioned that I was concerned that I might be self-sabotaging the effort to be satisfied and happy without gender reassignment, the therapist laughed at the comment. I can't tell if it was my statement or my feelings that caused her hilarity but it didn't feel good to be laughed at for voicing what felt like a valid concern to me.

So, to sum up this long post - I think the path the therapist has currently laid out is a valid one but I'm not sure she is a good therapist for me personally. I question our personality match and her chair-side manner. I question if I would ever be able to convince her that gender reassignment is the correct path (assuming that it is). I'm considering looking for a different therapist. But I don't want to do so for the wrong reasons (such as looking for one that will just sign off on gender reassignment if given the correct key words and catchphrases).

[sandra-leigh]

Those things that she is asking you to do... those are pretty different than anything I was ever asked to do.

Basically, with my gender therapist, there was an implicit assumption that if I didn't have some amount of gender dysphoria, I probably wouldn't be there. "Labeling" me as being one class or another has never been on the table. The main question she has is, "How do you want to live?" and she likes my general approach of not having a "destination" but rather experimenting to see what suits me or not.

Your therapist asking you not to cross-dress... that seems strange. Unless maybe it was phrased or planned as an experiment to see how much you "need" to cross-dress. But other than that, it might be something I could perhaps see as part of "relationship therapy". Mostly, though, it "feels" to me like a D/s (Dominance/submissive) relationship type request.

Did your therapist say that you were far from "GID" or from "GRS" ? GID being Gender Identity Disorder (basically, that your life is being notably distressed by your discomfort with your gender role), and "GRS" being Gender Reassignment Surgery.

I could imagine a therapist saying (in a solemn tone) that they thought that there were a lot of matters that you will have to mentally prepare for before you would be ready for successful GRS, but I can't really see one saying that you are a long way from gender dysphoria. Especially not just on the second session.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Who can say whether a therapist is good or not..2 questions..how many gender patients does she have? are you comfortable? if you can't answer yes to both..move on.

Based only on your posts, I can imagine anyone trying to guide you wanting to focus you. You don't seem fully prepared at all to be thinking about 1.)... and on 2.) there is no reason to make any assumptions at all about your past or reasons or anything like that..you may find out things that you remember differently, or you may come to some realizations but you can't aim for them..

if you are not married (and even if you are), i am sorry to break this bad news
...your gender issue is going to overtake your relationship...your SO will either support you and hope you stay together out of selfless love between you, or not.. hiding it will only dig a deeper hole..
and make whatever chance you have to stay together less..not more... telling her you've been in therapy after xx months/years will go over like a lead balloon... the caveat to that is that based on your posts you don't really have a focused idea around yourself and your therapist may be trying to help you understand yourself better before you try to say something to your SO>...this may be what the therapist is aiming for...

exploring femaleness in a chair is highly likely to take a very long time and will have mixed results.. you need to meet other tg people, as many as possible...understand what is possible, understand what people are dealing with day to day..that is 100x better than talking about it...

[Fractured]

Those things that she is asking you to do... those are pretty different than anything I was ever asked to do.

Basically, with my gender therapist, there was an implicit assumption that if I didn't have some amount of gender dysphoria, I probably wouldn't be there. "Labeling" me as being one class or another has never been on the table. The main question she has is, "How do you want to live?" and she likes my general approach of not having a "destination" but rather experimenting to see what suits me or not.

Your therapist asking you not to cross-dress... that seems strange. Unless maybe it was phrased or planned as an experiment to see how much you "need" to cross-dress. But other than that, it might be something I could perhaps see as part of "relationship therapy". Mostly, though, it "feels" to me like a D/s (Dominance/submissive) relationship type request.

Did your therapist say that you were far from "GID" or from "GRS" ? GID being Gender Identity Disorder (basically, that your life is being notably distressed by your discomfort with your gender role), and "GRS" being Gender Reassignment Surgery.

I could imagine a therapist saying (in a solemn tone) that they thought that there were a lot of matters that you will have to mentally prepare for before you would be ready for successful GRS, but I can't really see one saying that you are a long way from gender dysphoria. Especially not just on the second session.

The therapist said GID. And this is entering the fourth month of therapy with this therapist. The direction of this session was prompted by my last session where I said like I felt I was not accomplishing anything. She took the mention of this as an opportunity to provide some of her own direction to the therapy since I had mentioned that it seemed like the therapy wasn't very directive and I didn't feel like I was getting much out of it.


Who can say whether a therapist is good or not..2 questions..how many gender patients does she have? are you comfortable? if you can't answer yes to both..move on.

Based only on your posts, I can imagine anyone trying to guide you wanting to focus you. You don't seem fully prepared at all to be thinking about 1.)... and on 2.) there is no reason to make any assumptions at all about your past or reasons or anything like that..you may find out things that you remember differently, or you may come to some realizations but you can't aim for them..

if you are not married (and even if you are), i am sorry to break this bad news
...your gender issue is going to overtake your relationship...your SO will either support you and hope you stay together out of selfless love between you, or not.. hiding it will only dig a deeper hole..
and make whatever chance you have to stay together less..not more... telling her you've been in therapy after xx months/years will go over like a lead balloon... the caveat to that is that based on your posts you don't really have a focused idea around yourself and your therapist may be trying to help you understand yourself better before you try to say something to your SO>...this may be what the therapist is aiming for...

exploring femaleness in a chair is highly likely to take a very long time and will have mixed results.. you need to meet other tg people, as many as possible...understand what is possible, understand what people are dealing with day to day..that is 100x better than talking about it...

I don't know how many gender patients she has. I do know that she just finished her residency. And she also argued that discussing TG with others (such as on this forum) was counterproductive (well, she said she didn't think it was a good idea). I'm concerned that she may be trying to go the route of conditioning (a la Skinner) for a solution. I told her that I had planned to go out dressed in femme on my next business trip (next month) and she said "We still have some time." I can't point to anything other than these feelings but I am starting to question if my time and money are better spent with a different therapist.

Thank ya'll for your responses.

[Fractured]

Who can say whether a therapist is good or not..2 questions..how many gender patients does she have? are you comfortable? if you can't answer yes to both..move on.

Based only on your posts, I can imagine anyone trying to guide you wanting to focus you. You don't seem fully prepared at all to be thinking about 1.)... and on 2.) there is no reason to make any assumptions at all about your past or reasons or anything like that..you may find out things that you remember differently, or you may come to some realizations but you can't aim for them..

if you are not married (and even if you are), i am sorry to break this bad news
...your gender issue is going to overtake your relationship...your SO will either support you and hope you stay together out of selfless love between you, or not.. hiding it will only dig a deeper hole..
and make whatever chance you have to stay together less..not more... telling her you've been in therapy after xx months/years will go over like a lead balloon... the caveat to that is that based on your posts you don't really have a focused idea around yourself and your therapist may be trying to help you understand yourself better before you try to say something to your SO>...this may be what the therapist is aiming for...

exploring femaleness in a chair is highly likely to take a very long time and will have mixed results.. you need to meet other tg people, as many as possible...understand what is possible, understand what people are dealing with day to day..that is 100x better than talking about it...

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I am married. With three kids. My wife says she would gladly take me with my problems over anyone else's husbands with their problems. So I guess in some ways she is supporting. She did say I had to promise to protect our kids, though.

I started therapy at her behest. I freaked out with I couldn't willpower myself from buying panties back in February. I had desires before but had never acted on them. Something finally gave, though. I was referred to the Johns Hopkins Medical Center Sexual Behaviors Consultation Unit. It took three months to finally get an initial evaluation appointment. The initial eval was that I was not suffering from gender dysphoria. Both my wife and I pushed for some sort of treatment, though, since I was feeling miserable and she was concerned about me. So I started therapy with one of the doctors who was involved in the evaluation.

You are right, I don't have a focused idea about myself. I feel that I am a woman and I need to transition (most of the time) but since I am married with kids and the sole income provider I feel that if I can live happy and satisfied without gender reassignment that it would be easier for everyone involved. And it's that time when I'm not sure I am a women I find myself depressed and lamenting that I'm not a woman.

I am hoping therapy can help clear this up. I'm just not sure this particular therapist can help.

[Stephanie-L]

It appears to me that this therapist is anti-TG. I would find another person, preferably with some experience in TG/TS issues. You do need help clarifying which way you want to go, but how can she help you if it seems that she thinks one of your potential directions does not even exist? Therapy is a very personal thing, and you need to be comfortable with the therapist. You may not like everything they have to say, but having a clear understanding of your goals is vital. I had a very good therapist, she told me a few things I didn't want to hear, but I realize a few years later that she was right. I only stopped due to money reasons, and I am starting with a new therapist on Monday that does accept my insurance. I just hope that she is as good. I would be very suspicious of your diagnosis of not having gender dysphoria if it was by a person who may not even believe that GD exists. I also really am worried about her telling you not to talk to your spouse about this, a big red flag to me, and then also telling you not to come to this forum, does not sound good. Good luck and let us know how it works out.......Stephanie

[Aprilrain]

IDK you probably shouldn't listen to me, I'm crazy, BUT she sounds like a quack!
regardless of your true feelings, what ever they may be, she really should be more impartial IMO.

[Alicia Ryanne]

The therapist said GID. And this is entering the fourth month of therapy with this therapist. The direction of this session was prompted by my last session where I said like I felt I was not accomplishing anything. She took the mention of this as an opportunity to provide some of her own direction to the therapy since I had mentioned that it seemed like the therapy wasn't very directive and I didn't feel like I was getting much out of it.


HUGE red flag. From this, it appears she is trying to come up with "reasons" for you to continue seeing her. Most therapists dont want to LOSE patients, so sometimes try to lead a patient in a direction or talk about things like they are problematic when in fact the ideas or direction hinted towards by the therapist is a non issue to the patient themselves. Ive run into this myself. Ive been with teh same therapist for 4 months. After about 2 1/2 months, there really wasnt much to talk about as I am quite solid and sure who I am. However, she, seeing that I was becoming more distant since I didnt see much effectiveness decided to try to tell me I had personality issues in how I communicate. real short jist...she said I had trouble expressing my feelings and we needed to work on breaking down those walls. Well...in reality, ive poured my heart out to her about everything and sometimes feels like saying..."I answered that question 2 sessions ago" type of response.




I do know that she just finished her residency. And she also argued that discussing TG with others (such as on this forum) was counterproductive (well, she said she didn't think it was a good idea). I'm concerned that she may be trying to go the route of conditioning (a la Skinner) for a solution. I told her that I had planned to go out dressed in femme on my next business trip (next month) and she said "We still have some time." I can't point to anything other than these feelings but I am starting to question if my time and money are better spent with a different therapist.

Thank ya'll for your responses.

Telling you NOT to discuss your feelings and issues with people that might be similar minded to you is complete garbage. Who else is going to understand you? You need a support system or people to just tell how you feel that can understand, help, offer advise, or simply lend an ear. It doesnt sound like she's doing any of those 3.
A therapist trying to stear you down a "conditioning" road is dangerous. It sounds more like since she's just finished her residency, she has little experience with TG at all, but thinks she knows it all. A little knowledge is dangerous when there's no experience to back it up. She's just out of school/residency and thinks she has all the answers syndrome.

I'll give one of the most important statements my therapist told me..... "I dont doubt you are GID at all. You wouldn't BE here talking about trans issues and SPENDING your money on sessions for no reason."

Exploring your feelings is something you need to do. But being told you are in no way GID when your sitting there telling her you feel like you should be a women(even if not 100% of the time) isnt helping you. Find another therapist. Go talk to them and DONT tell them youve seen someone else previously. Just go in there and be YOU and see what they say.

[Fractured]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I'm getting ready to go out of town for half of next week, so I won't be around to talk to either my wife or the therapist about any of this. My next appointment is the following Monday. I am going to keep that appointment and see what comes of it. My reaction to yesterday's appointment may have been misdirected or it may have been on target (I just don't know). I will see how the next few sessions play out. I will try to keep an open mind with the assumptions that she is a professional and proceeding down a path she thinks is best. I need to be open to things that I may not agree with (but may be the truth). But I will also maintain my right to decide that the match-up is not the best and that I can look for a new therapist if that is the correct path.

And I think I just had the best possible therapy a few hours ago. I got to go exercise for the first time in a couple of weeks. :)

[DebbieL]

There seem to be a lot of "Red Flags" here. And this may be one of the "Tests". After all, if you are willing to keep coming back under these terms, then you are probably not ready for Gender Reassignment yet, and might even be one of those rare birds who could be equally happy being a man or a woman.

On the other hand, this is also a very dangerous game. If you are truly transsexual, you may find that you not only have difficulty honoring these terms, but you may also find that there are physiological changes. When I was in a program where I was confronted with the choice of giving up all aspects of being transgendered or dealing with consequences, I was astonished at how quickly my body started going berzerk. My back started going into spasms so severe I couldn't even sit in a chair. I couldn't even go to work for several days. Even after the back settled down (with the help of doctor prescribed anti-spasmodic), I found myself constantly hungry, and my blood pressure started shooting up. I started getting headaches. Eventually, my weight soared from 150 lbs to over 325 lbs, more than doubling my total body weight. I also ended up having heart problems, which I was lucky enough to catch early enough to avoid some of the more radical therapies.

As long as I was clear what part of my feminine identity was providing good things, I had access to it, and I eventually reached the point where I was outperforming everybody and producing extraordinary results. When I was forced to give up that feminine identity forever, I quickly realized that I would be dead if I tried.

My concern based, on her conditions and terms, is that she might be pushing a particular agenda rather than following the standard program. This could be because she doesn't want you to transition and wants to "straighten you out", or because she really has no idea how to treat gender disphoria or any other gender identity issues. In either case, if she treats you and you are truly transsexual and truly are a good candidate for reassignment, trying to force you one way or another could be very dangerous.

On the other hand, you may have said something that tipped her off that you may NOT be a good candidate for SRS, and that you may just be a cross-dresser. She may want to see how you respond to being "cut off" to see which gender really suits you, why you want to be a woman, and what dimensions you have already explored.

Many transsexuals realize they want to be a girl when they are very young, often when they are still too young to understand the differences between men and women. They often associate with girls and prefer the company of girls to the company of boys, and if denied the company of girls, will tend to isolate, becoming "book-worms" or pursuing other solitary activities. They might even avoid playing sports with the boys and refuse to fight, choosing to run and only lashing out when trapped or cornered.

You probably need to spend a few sessions talking with her on her terms, and seeing your patterns and characteristics. Transsexuals and females often have a great deal in common, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and in terms of life-styles, coping strategies, winning strategies, and social skills.

I won't spoil it for you by giving you the "exam cram", because you really need to look at your situation, answer the questions as honestly as you can, and by the time you have completed this process, which will include the thinking you do BETWEEN sessions, you should be very clear one way or the other.

Consider this. If you became a girl and had to spend an extra hour every morning to do make-up and had to diet and exercise to maintain your figure and had to do your hair at night and fix it up in the morning, and you wore pants and a sweaters to work, would you still opt to be a girl instead of a boy? If your job required that you wear 3 inch heels, skirts, and a cotton blouse with Jacket as well as appropriate bra, slip, and cotton panties, would you chose that over being in a dress shirt, tie, pants, and comfortable shoes?

In my case, I had already been seeing a therapist as part of couple's counseling, where I addressed many of these questions, and part of the couple's counseling was periods when we abstained from all forms of sexual arousal, including dressing up. So by the time I went to the therapist for Gender Identity counseling, I was also getting therapy for battered spouse syndrome. Since I had already been through the assessment, my therapist had me spend as much time as I could as a girl, go to different clubs, go shopping, go to restaurants, go to meetings, and do as many of the things that I normally would do, but do it as a girl.

Probably the dumbest thing I've ever done in my whole life was get off that track, back in 1995. It was only last year that I decided to start losing weight again, and ironically, Debbie had no trouble losing weight. I lost 80 lbs in just a few months. In reality, I wish I had been able to start that process when I was 20 or 25, so that I could transition back then. I think of the wasted years and I can easily get depressed. Fortunately, I know I have options today, and can exercise those options.

[Stephenie S]

If you don't like and respect your therapist, your therapy will just be time wasted.

S

[Kaitlyn Michele]

take a deep breath...think

there is a great deal that you can learn and understand before anything has to happen..

Your therapist really seems to be a problem for you to solve rather than someone to trust and help you..she either has already judged you, is stringing you along, or is looking at this as a family therapy matter...none of those sounds very helpful to you.

you need information. you do not need stupid advice like don't talk about it..
.there is lots of info on the internet but there is also alot of crap too...you really want to know how many tg patients this therapist had

[Bree-asaurus]

Find a new therapist. Try to find one that local TG people recommend. Someone who understands GID can help you figure out if that's what you have or not.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Do I here quack quack quack!!!!!!!! Get another therapist!

Hugs

[Melody Moore]

While Kaitlyn raises some very important points I belive this so called 'therapist' is that out of touch with gender issues
she also seems to be completely ignoring the most basic rules of psychology which includes listening to you, and also she
has dictated to you what she believe you must do rather that helping you to find the answers. Maybe she is stringing this
out for as much as she can get from you. As Alicia said, I don't doubt you have GID either or you wouldn't be doing all this.

So in my honest opinion I don't think she is at all experienced in dealing with gender issues & I believe that you
landed yourself a real quack who I would like to see flagged for the sake of others in your local TG community.

As April said... she really should be more impartial - so I would find a new therapist.

[lady di]

what is missing here? oh compassion does she have any for you

[ameliabee]

Hon...

You went to Johns Hopkins. They're infamous for being anti-TS. They've been that way ever since John Money was booted from the institution, and especially after the fallout around him.

Go somewhere else immediately.

[Fractured]

Hon...

You went to Johns Hopkins. They're infamous for being anti-TS. They've been that way ever since John Money was booted from the institution, and especially after the fallout around him.

Go somewhere else immediately.
I guess I'll have to research that event. I'll admit my ignorance to the subject. My PCP referred me to them.

Funny thing, but on another forum Dr. Kris Kraft was mentioned as being a good person to see. And he is the head of the SCBU, from what I can tell. When I called to set up the initial evaluation I was directed to his number.

[Fractured]

what is missing here? oh compassion does she have any for you

I think so. There are times where she's appeared sympathetic. But I guess that could be different from compassionate.

Edit: A couple of sessions ago she said I had several issues/symptoms (or perhaps she used some other word) that pointed to gender dysphoria. Perhaps she differentiates between gender dysphoria and GID.

I think I have grounds to ask what her values/bias is regarding TS. I may do that at my next session.

[Fractured]

I stumbled across Talk is Not Enough: How Pyschotherapy Really Works while on travel. It caught my eye and after I decided that therapy wasn't proceeding in an acceptable manner I got a copy and read it. It introduced a concept that I am now analyzing. It is the concept of transference - placing my perceptions and attitudes as emanating from the therapist. (An example would be someone who is used to rejection and expects it from everyone will also expect it from the therapist.)

Could my reaction to the meeting have been a reaction to my interpretation of her words based on something internal to me? (I.e. could her statements been acceptable and not indicative of anything I should be wary of but rather a reflection of my bias against power/authority being expressed a certain way?)

Did I react appropriately to the therapist? She said that my relationship with my wife was the most important relationship I was involved in and that talking with my wife about the way I felt regarding my gender was creating a strain on our relationship. If I recollect correctly and understood correctly, she wanted me to stop talking with my wife about gender as a means of removing (or reducing) that source of stress. I told her no, I was not going to stop talking to my wife, particularly since it was only recently that I started talking to her. I am not going to go backwards in my relationship with my wife to make the therapist happy on this count.

And perhaps the therapist feared that I would take keywords and tricky phrases from these discussions and use them to get the desired response from the therapist. (She asked me if my analogy to car models was mine or if I got it from the discussion forums.) I made a vow to myself that I am not going to copy catchphrases to get what I think I want. I want the therapist there as a voice of reason, there to make sure that my choices are based on true conditions and not just perceived ones. So
I will not lie or repeat other peoples statements as my own. But I don't think the therapist knows it. And, now that I think about it, I wonder if she would accept the statement as fact if I made it to her.

[Fractured]

Exploring your feelings is something you need to do. But being told you are in no way GID when your sitting there telling her you feel like you should be a women(even if not 100% of the time) isnt helping you. Find another therapist. Go talk to them and DONT tell them youve seen someone else previously. Just go in there and be YOU and see what they say.

Why would I not tell them I had seen another therapist previously?

[ameliabee]

I guess I'll have to research that event. I'll admit my ignorance to the subject. My PCP referred me to them.


I apologize, but I don't recall the exact reference I have my information from. Some book. But, yeah, do see this http://www.tsroadmap.com/info/johns-hopkins.html .

[Kaitlyn Michele]

psychotherapy has nothing to do with whether you are a woman or not..psychotherapy has nothing to do with what you do about your gender except to hopefully keep you mentally healthy ..

we can share what we think, but its up to you what to say.. the only thing right to tell a therapist is the truth..otherwise you are wasting your time..

unfortunately telling the truth does not guarantee anything..

you mentioned at the beginning your goals...
imho, these are your goals..

-figure out your gender ...be honest with yourself and take your time..life is long...
- decide what to do about it.. what can you do to improve your quality of life?

its that simple......:doh:

[Alicia Ryanne]

Why would I not tell them I had seen another therapist previously?

Because you want the "new" therapist to come to whatever conclusions about you on their own without any forethought you had issues with a previous therapist. You want the "new" therapist to just treat YOU and for you to SEE if a different therapist, after talking with you ABOUT you has the same basic view of you as the original or completely different.
You dont want to cloud the new therapist thought process by informing them you thought a previous therapist was "stearing" you towards one direction or didnt believe you were GID.

You can tell them later on down the road if you wish, but you want to see if a new therapist is there for YOU like they should be, or there to try to make themselves feel like they are fixing someone(like you current therapist seems to be doing).
Basically, you want to find out what type of diagnosis a new therapist will come to after talking to you without being hindered with knowledge that another therapist was messing with your head.

They may say you have GID, they may not and agree with the previous therapist. Only way to know is to go to a new therapist and start from scratch.

[Fractured]

psychotherapy has nothing to do with whether you are a woman or not..psychotherapy has nothing to do with what you do about your gender except to hopefully keep you mentally healthy ..
Thanks for that. The book was more a response to the SoC:

"Psychotherapy (individual, couple, family, or group) for purposes such as exploring gender identity, role, and expression; addressing the negative impact of gender dysphoria and stigma on mental health; alleviating internalized transphobia; enhancing social and peer support; improving body image; or promoting resilience." (Version 7). Version 6 specifically called out psychotherapy and I was a bit unsure of what the term psychotherapy meant.


Because you want the "new" therapist to come to whatever conclusions about you on their own without any forethought you had issues with a previous therapist. You want the "new" therapist to just treat YOU and for you to SEE if a different therapist, after talking with you ABOUT you has the same basic view of you as the original or completely different.


Thanks. That makes sense.


I apologize, but I don't recall the exact reference I have my information from. Some book. But, yeah, do see this http://www.tsroadmap.com/info/johns-hopkins.html .
Thanks. I will check out the link.

[Hope]

Quite frankly, your therapist sounds like a pretty classic abuser.

"Don't tell your family about what we do here" and "Don't talk to your wife about how you feel" are both directives pretty transparently designed to isolate you from your healthier sources of support so that you have little choice to become (more) dependent on her. That alone should be enough to send you running from her office, and possibly file a complaint with your states ethics board. Anyone who grew up in the 1980's will immediately identify this after school special, it is the one where the gym teacher tells Bobby that the after practice "massage" will be "our little secret."

But that is not the end of the controlling behavior. Telling you not to dress is strait up bull$hit. Asking you if you felt uncomfortable dressing would be appropriate, telling you not to do it when you ARE comfortable with it and do find solace in it is a HUGE red flag. Quite frankly, who the hell is your therapist to tell you what color shirt to wear, much less what gender underthings you are "allowed" to wear? That is just controlling manipulative garbage. Run and report I say.

So, you cross-dress, and you are seeing a therapist about your gender issues, you are concerned that you cannot survive without transitioning, but you are "far from GID?" ORLY? I would not define that as "Far from GID" I would not necessarily define that as "confirmation of GID" but it is certainly not very far from downtown GIDville - it is certainly evidence of GID... "far from GID" would be "Never cross dresses, never experiences any confusion about his gender, has never questioned his gender, and is completely comfortable living in the gender he was assigned at birth."

But quite honestly, all of that aside, if I expressed a concern about ... anything ... much less something as significant as self-sabotaging behavior, and my "therapist" laughed AT me... I would quite simply tell her to go fu(# her self on my way out of her office. I pay for insight and guidance, if I want to be laughed at, I don't need to pay for that.

Just, by way of contrast, here are a few choice interactions I have had with my therapist:

The first point of contact I had with her, I emailed her to see if she was accepting new clients, and identified myself by saying that I was transgender, but that I needed help understanding what that means for me. She responded by setting up an appointment time. At our first appointment I talked about my history, why I identified as transgender, and what I hoped to achieve from therapy. She asked about my relationship with my wife, and advised me to be open with her, to share my feelings and insights with her - pointing out that any work I was going to do, would lead to parallel work on my wife's part. She regularly (not every session, but most) asks about my relationship with my wife, and how transition is effecting her, always encouraging me to keep open communication going with my wife. ALWAYS. She has provided encouragement, and advice on how to talk to my friends and family, how to come out and be out and in the open with others, significant others, and how to build a support network in my life - outside of therapy.

After a few appointments, my therapist informed me that she would be happy to write me a letter for HRT, whenever I was ready for it. I wasn't ready at the time, but when I was ready, I didn't have to wonder if I could get "permission."

My therapist has ALWAYS encouraged me to experiment. I approached transition like an old man getting into a hot bath, VERY slowly and cautiously. My therapist has always been behind me making suggestions. "Why not try wearing a girls top? not something frilly and lacy that every one will notice, but something YOU will know about, maybe a more androgynous T-Shirt or something, and see how it feels?" "Why not try painting your fingernails?" Her advice has always been "Experiment! If you don't like it, stop it. if you do like it - do more."

My therapist has never been adamant about any diagnosis, and frankly has never offered to share her diagnosis with me. I have asked her, and she is willing to share, and on a few occasions I needed to know for various purposes, but she has never tried to label me against my will, and has always tempered her diagnosis with "but if that doesn't feel authentic to you, we can talk about why I made that diagnosis, and perhaps modify it to be something that feels more appropriate to you..." What would be the therapeutic benefit to doing otherwise? My purpose is not to help to establish my legal identity - it is to help to understand myself.

[Fractured]

Here's my current state:
1. I'm researching for other therapists in my area. I don't know that I'll need to switch (but I'm guessing I probably will).
2. I'm going to confront my therapist with my reactions to the last session. I'm not sure how she will react and am assuming that her reaction will dictate my next step. I'm specifically going to point out how I felt about the laughter and my perception that she seems to be disregarding how I feel and that I need support outside of her office.

[Rianna Humble]

I think that this is a very good plan. May I make one suggestion? I have learned the hard way that sometimes the way that we express something has more force that what we are actually saying and can cause the opposite outcome to what we desire.

My suggestion therefore would be to go in there to express your disappointment with what she said & did last time and ask for clarification in case you have misunderstood. Using this as a vehicle to convey your reaction to the last session may get a more positive outcome than phrasing the same thing in a more confrontational manner.

You may already have thought of this and this is probably the way that you already intended to handle the situation, in which case, please forgive me for showing off my ability to state the blooming obvious.

[Fractured]

Rianna, Thanks for that. I probably was going to be more confrontational but your path sounds better. It's one of my failings that I am not as politically savvy as I could be. My interactions can be a bit abrupt. I'll work to make sure I couch my observations and feelings in a manner that hopefully won't create a dispute. (I hate fights.) Doing so should make for a better experience.

[Olivia2]

Any good therapist should welcome input from the client, unless it is a very personal attack. It takes great courage for a client to speak up to the therapist about things in the process or interaction that make a client uncomfortable. If a therapist gets defensive about things brought up by the client in session, that therapist still has personal work to do, in my opinion. That is why therapists often have their own therapy and supervision by a mentor or an experienced peer to help them navigate around their personal issues so they don't become hindrances in the therapy process. I support your intent to bring up anything in the process or previous sessions that has caused you to question the process. It should only help the therapy process of you and she are to continue working together.

[Fractured]

I had another appt with the therapist yesterday. Before I said anything she said that she felt compassionate for me. If it hadn't been for the discussion in this thread I'm not sure that it would have struck me as a bit odd, but it did. After her statement opening the session I explained that I was uncomfortable when she laughed after I had made a statement; listening to her description of the discussion it seemed her impression on the placement of the laughter differed from mine. She thought it came after I said I was ultimately seeking a satisfying life (and her internal response was that such a life is what everyone was seeking) while I recalled the laughter came after voicing my concerns of self-sabotage.

We didn't discuss gender much during the session. Instead the session focused more on the relationship between my wife and me, the horrendous commute I have and the impact it has, and trying to find social connection possibilities in my hectic schedule, and suicidal ideations. When we did get to gender, she asked if I was feeling as distressed as I was earlier in the month and last month. I honestly replied no, but I think that is more due to work stress and having several tight deadlines right around the corner. She again requested a good faith effort on my part and said that if these feelings didn't dissipate or lessen then that could be evidence that there is something significant regarding my gender identification. So I'm not sure if she is totally biased against TS or if she just hasn't seen enough to support a diagnosis (from her perspective) of GID.

Regardless, my family is in a bit of a bind financial wise so I can't pursue much at the moment. I still plan on going out en femme while on travel after Thanksgiving but otherwise I am laying low so as to reduce familial stress. There's just too much stress otherwise. And hopefully this time of laying low, but finally being aware and willing to think about gender, will help.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That sounds pretty good...therapists can be right and wrong too...
You seem like a very strong and reasonable person..you have alot on your play day to day... and you are admirably handling it...stay hopeful and be smart...

if you can make gender a priority later, that can be helpful for you long term.....the warning you NEED to hear is to not let yourself get so distraught that you break down.. it's like "watchful waiting"...if you feel our of control do you have support you can reach out to? its common to call your therapist within limits...

here is a story...when i was in therapy, prior to HRT, i was walking down Walnut St in philadelphia...lunch time.. i was hosting lunch for bankers...all of sudden out of nowhere i am looking around seeing all the women, and i just lost it...i started sweating, feeling panicky... i wanted to explode in tears .....and i realized i was going to explode in tears!!!!!!!!!!!....so right in the middle of listening to some banker, i said excuse me...and bolted into barnes and noble...dialed my therapist and luckily she picked up...she talked me down in no time flat... i came back out and laughed and said "nature called really fast!!"..and we all laughed about it...one banker says..."well jeez i was wondering you looked like shit"...so don't hesitate to reach out it can make a huge difference..you want that type of relationship with your therapist if you can get it..

[Fractured]

So about half-way through the three month "trial" period, I've decided to quit trying to ignore these feelings. I don't want to live in self-denial, always dreaming and fantasizing about what I will do after the "trial" period ends. I don't want to be Blackthorn from James Clavell's Sho-gun. Yet, that is what I see if I continue on this path and with this therapist. If I can make it three months without acting, then why not try another three months, then another three? Because I made it through those three months in a daze, thinking about what I would do at the end of the "trial," when I was "free" to express who I am. That is no life.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think its great that you are engaged in a conversation here, as well as working with someone to try to fight the feelings on your own, and re-evaluating how things are going in real time..

this is how it really works...data...response...more data.... over and over... this is a long learning process for you ....it is not an overstatement that many of us have deeply buried thoughts that we have learned to ignore/downplay etc...
If you are ts, then the proper methodology to work things out is "any means necessary"... perhaps you needed this period of active repressed thinking to kick start a more positive approach..


Especially moving to me is your statement..."this is no life"... that is exactly the kind of thought that got me moving in the right direction...now your trick is take that thought and use it, and don't let all the other implications of that thought weigh you down...

kudos..

[Fractured]

There's the crux - "all the other implications."

I heard an interesting story on NPR a few weeks ago. A gal had recently moved to an area and thought the best way to get to know the people around her (really know them) was to ask them three questions:
1. What do you live for?
2. What would you die for?
3. What would you kill for?

Right now, I seem to find myself living for others. The reasons I haven't run my car into a light pole or run away are my family - I don't know how they would get on without me (particularly as we are a single income family [my income] at the moment). And I have no deep reasons (or any reasons at all) for the questions beyond that. I find this to be a very uncomfortable place to be. It doesn't speak well of me as a person.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

BS...three questions??? everyone would lie... and you can't judge yourself based on what you assume others would answer..

all the other implications are the issue... you do have to deal with those implications...that's why i say you need to use what you know to help you navigate through them without getting down..

i'm not saying you have to do anything other than slowly shift your thinking... you are aiming for self acceptance without shame and guilt.. once you can get there (or close enough to it), you can get down to the serious task of dealing with all those other implications...many of us try to deal with real life issues like telling our parents, starting HRT or outing ourselves to work and friends BEFORE we are truly self accepting, shameless, and guiltless...

it speaks very well of you as a person that you are trying to deal with this very serious problem in a responsible way..

[Julia_in_Pa]

If this therapist isn't trans then they really have no idea what GID actually is and how it can effect a person.

I would use this "card" in your next session when your therapist starts speaking from the Ass.

They can have all the education in the world but if thy are not one of us they are an outsider with some knowledge at best.


Julia

[Stephenie S]

I want to echo something said earlier in this thread.

Johns Hopkins Gender Clinic is famously ANTI-transgender. I would run, not walk, out of there ASAP.

This is interesting considering JH history. It's where Harry Benjamin worked. Something happened there to change the whole attitude of the hospital toward TGs.

The good news is that if you can go to JH, you are in the Baltimore/Washington area. Good TG therapists abound. Try to find another onLne. There are plenty available in that area.

Stephie

[Fractured]

Thanks. I think I will hold off on therapists for awhile. I've gotten some things to think about and avenues to explore with limited time and money. As things progress I will eventually want to see a therapist again, but it's looking like right now is not the time.

[Hope]

So about half-way through the three month "trial" period, I've decided to quit trying to ignore these feelings. I don't want to live in self-denial, always dreaming and fantasizing about what I will do after the "trial" period ends. I don't want to be Blackthorn from James Clavell's Sho-gun. Yet, that is what I see if I continue on this path and with this therapist. If I can make it three months without acting, then why not try another three months, then another three? Because I made it through those three months in a daze, thinking about what I would do at the end of the "trial," when I was "free" to express who I am. That is no life.

I lived, from all external cues, a very successful 34 year trial period. That doesn't mean I wasn't miserable, or didn't pine almost every day to be who I really was. Nor did my "success" at suppressing my identity, nor my professional "success" made my misery any less real or legitimate or wrong.

Just because you can go 3 months, or 3 years, or 30 years without having an "event" or whatever vocabulary your therapist wants to use does not mean that not transitioning is the right decision.

The right decision is the one that feels authentic to you, not the one that is arrived at after some artificial experiment.

Not all therapists are horrible (many are quite wonderful) but yours seems to be quite horrifying.

[Fractured]

Thanks to everyone for your comments, viewpoints, and advice. I had my last appointment with this particular therapist yesterday. I told her I wanted to put therapy on hiatus and that when I was ready to resume, I would be looking for a different therapist. Since this was at the start of the appointment, she presented various views on why I needed to continue therapy and how we could change the direction of the current therapy.

I am somewhat disappointed that therapy is stopped, but do feel that it was the right decision to discontinue working with this particular therapist. When I told her I didn't like the behavior modification approach that included ignoring/denying my emotions and feelings, she said the next step would be behavior modification (as in not doing anything) while acknowledging the feelings I was having. I didn't go for therapy because of my behavior, I went because of my emotions and feelings. Just one more check in the box that this is the right choice.

Again, thanks to everyone who provided a voice to listen to. :)

[sandra-leigh]

The "behavior modifications" suggested by my therapist have been along the lines of:


Go ahead and experiment with clothes and modes of presentation to find out what actually feels comfortable to you, rather than relying on what women your age are "supposed" to like
Do laser / electrolysis as supposedly that is my biggest "give-away" (though I've had too many people recognize me from too far away to see my small beard shadow for me to expect that it will make any substantial difference in my recognition rate)
Yes, do go the the clinic to check out hormone therapy


Never once did my therapist suggest that I stop crossdressing for a while, not even as an "experiment" to determine whether cross-dressing was something I really wanted to do.

[Cheyenne Skye]

To the original poster: If you've been going to Johns Hopkins, I assume you live in the Baltimore area. Have you checked into Chase Brexton Health Services? That's where I go. Almost every therapist there has experience with transgendered patients. They follow the Benjamin Standards. And they have the regular health clinic around the corner to see an MD if you and the therapist decide hormones are for you. It is a popular place to go for the trans community so there is often a wait to get an appointment. But once you get in you'll have a regular appointment to count on.

[Fractured]

Thanks for the info, Cheyenne. I will definitely take a look at them. :)

[Kristy_K]

Your therapist is suppose to help find your feelings and open communications up between you and everyone else.