kind of backfired on my SO

[cassandra54]

well a little history first. i will try to make this short and sweet. i've been living with this woman for almost ten years. most of the time the relationship is great. we get along well, had some awesome vacations in mexico and i've been lucky enough to help her pick out and build a nice home that she owns and we share. intimacy has always been a problem. but you know something, you can't always choose who you love or how you define it. life is funny that way. i really love this woman and plan on spending the rest of my life with her. but lately things have kind of backfired on her, the greatest of which is that i've learned so much about myself and won't go back to a place where i know i don't belong.

she is somewhat dominant. in fact not too long ago, i found she bought not one but 6 books on dominance and submission. she denies any memory of having them, as she bought them before we met. but at one point when our intimacy was gone, i thought she might be interested in that, and i brought up the subject of me crossdressing. and reluctantly she let me, but it was mainly in the bedroom. the intimacy if you will call it that left something to be desired, mainly her lack of desire. but you know wearing the lingerie was pretty nice and i just wanted more.

i bought a dress one day with her and we bought some other things from Ross. nothing special. that was about four years ago. i stopped and started cross dressing a bunch of times. i kept buying clothes , but in the last year, things have really taken off for me in this part of my life. i got wigs, glasses, make-up and bought all kinds of clothes. bought another wig and another one and finally got breast forms.

i got to the point where i realized we could go out in public together. i thought we could be like a couple of girlfriends, since the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship was pretty much non existent at this point. i no longer shared a bed with her, had my own room at the other end of the house and was dating. so i suggested we go to a movie together, she suggested dairy queen. i even thought of us going on the tri-ess cruise. so she told me to do more research on places we might go out in public. this was backfire number one.

that research led me to this site. joining this forum led me to the realization that i am tg and enjoy my male and female lives. i share some of the posts and responses with her. she doesn't always want to talk about things, but in general that is how she is.

she doesn't talk about things. that's backfire number two. yes i love this woman and can see us growing old together. but she doesn't communicate about her feelings. we all know how important that is in a relationship. well i suspected after discovering that i am androgynous that she may be too. could explain the great attraction we have for each other. so i mentioned it to her, talked to her about it a little bit, sent her a link for a website. of course she's not too interested. seems my really supportive SO may not be so supportive after all.

we had a talk this week. i told her she encourages my dressing by taking me shopping with her all the time. she says she tells me i have enough clothes, (sometimes she does) but we always wind up at Kohl's and i wind up with more women's clothes and more desire to wear them. then she says that she only goes along with it so i won't get mad. backfire number three. i told he we won't go shopping for clothes together anymore.

this is all a normal discussion by the way. we are talking over dinner. i am proud that i can talk calmly to her now and really try to resolve issues. then she says "what if i tell you that i don't want you to dress anymore?". backfire number four. so i told her that i can't put the genie back in the bottle. i told her if she really felt that way that is fine, i can just move out.

i really love my SO for enabling me to come to a point in my life where i can resolve my personal issues, develop some self-esteem, become a stronger person. and oh yeah, become the woman i want to be, at least part-time. she still doesn't want to talk about things too much, but i would definitely say that her idea of putting up with things and not saying how she feels has definitely BACKFIRED.

[docrobbysherry]

Nice post, Cassi. It REALLY explains who and where u r. But, I don't understand the "Backfires"!?

It sounds to me like your SO is quite content with Cassi and your relationship just the way it is! Of course, that's without hearing her side!

[cassandra54]

Nice post, Cassi. It REALLY explains who and where u r. But, I don't understand the "Backfires"!?

It sounds to me like your SO is quite content with Cassi and your relationship just the way it is! Of course, that's without hearing her side!

actually she is not quite content with things, she has a bad habit of not saying how she really feels until it's too late.

[Alberta_Pat]

Cassandra: You state in your opening post; "i no longer shared a bed with her, had my own room at the other end of the house and was dating.

I am wondering about the "dating". Are you dating outside the relationship? Is she? Or are you "dating" each other?

Your final paragraph suggests that you are ready, and possibly intend, to move in a different direction without your wife.

Without knowing you, I need to ask if your wife is taking any medication. If so, some of the drugs that are prescribed can cause short term personality changes, and some will produce longer term changes.

Regardless, I wish you both much happiness, together or apart as life dictates.

[cassandra54]

Cassandra: You state in your opening post; "i no longer shared a bed with her, had my own room at the other end of the house and was dating.

I am wondering about the "dating". Are you dating outside the relationship? Is she? Or are you "dating" each other?

Your final paragraph suggests that you are ready, and possibly intend, to move in a different direction without your wife.

Without knowing you, I need to ask if your wife is taking any medication. If so, some of the drugs that are prescribed can cause short term personality changes, and some will produce longer term changes.

Regardless, I wish you both much happiness, together or apart as life dictates.


well we are not married. she has basically no interest in men. like i said i think she is androgynous and i think that is one of the big attractions we have. not that i am disinterested in dating, but so many women have issues. it would be nice to date a woman that would like cassandra, but i am not holding out hope for that. as far as guys go, finding someone that would interest me is just about as hard. so not holding my breath there either. i am kind of passively looking for someone and someone that my SO would like, but not much luck.

basically what i am saying is that i've drawn a line on the sand, with my life and relationships. don't know what's going to happen beyond that, but you know the old saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". the relationship with my SO is about the best it's ever been overall, for what it's worth.

[PretzelGirl]

I guess your wording is what may be confusing things. A backfire is when you do something and get the opposite effect of what you tried. The points where you wrote backfire seem to be more of revelations. So you thought she was being accepting and instead she was basically allowing you to be you whether she liked it or not. So it seems that she either doesn't care and may not be invested emotionally, or she really cares and is trying to give you everything you want no matter the impact to her. As a side note, this is far from a display of dominance.

But the other wording that doesn't seem to get across the meaning is when you call her androgynous. Androgynous is a combination of masculine and feminine. I don't see where she fits that description from the information you are giving. Accepting someone who is TG does not make someone androgynous; it makes them smart. :D

It does seem that from the description here, the two of you have a friendship and nothing more. And you cohabitate. So maybe the two of you need to discuss what kind of relationship you see for the both of you. You aren't married, so you have the latitude to say "Its been fun" but since you live together, you seem to have the obligation to get to the root of things. Air it all out. If she is holding things in, whether she is quiet or doesn't want to hurt you, then it needs to come out. If you two want to stay roommates, then you just have to set some house rules. But if you want a deeper relationship, you have a lot to discuss and work on.

Best of luck!

[Presh GG]

Maybe she just doesn't care about you enough to give a d%$#.

Face it, you are a house guest.

Presh GG

[Dana7]

Cassandra,

In my opinion, the basis of any intimate relationship between two loving people is communication. And it appears that your partner needs to learn more about communicating her feelings. You have invested a lot of your lives in your relationship with each other and it would be sad to see you let each other go. I would suggest that you both find a counselor that will help her learn how to express her feelings better with you and who will help you better share your inner self with her.

At the beginning of my relationship with my SO there was a lot of friction. Not because of anything having to do with crossdressing, but because she and I are both headstrong, strong-willed people. That is what dominance is about anyways, isn't it? Dominance is the desire to assert your will over someone else. So if you and your SO are like (strong-willed) me and my (strong-willed) SO, then counseling is definitely required.

Relationships, by their very nature require us to yield our wills to our partners to varying degrees in order to preserve the relationship. Intimacy can only be achieved by vulnerability, and vulnerability is defined as letting our guard down. How can you have intimacy without letting your guard down and letting someone see the real you? And how can someone truly love the real you if you don't let your guard down and let them see you intimately? My relationship with my SO has smoothed out so much because of our counseling and I am finding that we enjoy each other's company so much more because of it. Our intimacy and our love for each other is deeper because we invested the time and energy in counseling.

I agree with Sue. When you say "backfire" I think you mean "revelation". Revelations happen all the time in relationships as we reach new depth in our intimacy and as we discover more about ourselves. We change as people as we grow older, and it is the lack of adaptation to that change that kills intimacy in relationships.

Intimacy is a hard thing for some people. That can be because of past hurts, misunderstandings, fears, and doubts about the relationship that may have no basis in reality. But intimacy is the basis of rewarding relationships. Intimacy is what love is all about. And every person on the planet, at the core of their being, desires love and intimacy. But communication is a key to intimacy. Improve your communication and you will very likely re-ignite the intimacy that is lacking in your relationship with your SO.

If she is unwilling to go to counseling with you, then perhaps that is a signal that she is afraid of intimacy or has hidden fears that she has not come to grips with. If that is the case, ask her to go to counseling by herself.

I have been to counseling many times by myself. I have learned so much about relationships, about myself, about what is important in life, and about how to communicate better with people. It has improved my self esteem, has helped me to heal from past hurts and has enabled me to become better at sharing intimacy with my loved ones. I highly recommend it for everyone. Perhaps if she won't go to counseling with you, you could go by yourself. See if it doesn't help you in this situation.

Just my two cents. :)

[jillleanne]

Sounds to me like she needs a 'no-no".

[jillleanne]

Hey gf,

You've got me confused here(like that would take alot). A couple of things in your post threw me. The books, what's with the books? I'd want to know more about that. Did she buy them thinking that is where your true identy is or did she buy them because she wants to try it? IS she already involved in BDSM and you don't know it?
Then there's the question/remark of not dressing anymore. Combine the two and maybe, just maybe, she is saying she wants a stud of a he-man to totally control her in a fantasy, or she wants to have that same stud on his knees following her commands, or wants that gender enhanced person at her mercy? I'd be wanting more clarity about the books and I wouldn't let up until I got it.
If you could also clarify the 'dating' statement I would appreciate it. Not quite sure what you meant by that so really don't know how to comment.
Hugs, Jill

[cassandra54]

Hey gf,

You've got me confused here(like that would take alot). A couple of things in your post threw me. The books, what's with the books? I'd want to know more about that. Did she buy them thinking that is where your true identy is or did she buy them because she wants to try it? IS she already involved in BDSM and you don't know it?
Then there's the question/remark of not dressing anymore. Combine the two and maybe, just maybe, she is saying she wants a stud of a he-man to totally control her in a fantasy, or she wants to have that same stud on his knees following her commands, or wants that gender enhanced person at her mercy? I'd be wanting more clarity about the books and I wouldn't let up until I got it.
If you could also clarify the 'dating' statement I would appreciate it. Not quite sure what you meant by that so really don't know how to comment.
Hugs, Jill

sorry i wasn't clear about some things.

1. she had the books before we even met. she says she doesn't remember about them, although i find that hard to believe, since one of them was under a table when we first met. i specifically remember that. it took me years to find the books, she had them put away and when i asked her about them that was her answer. she also said at one time, she was curious, but she bought six books and had some stuff printed out from the internet along with the books. i know she is not being honest about this.
2. she has no interest in dating other men or sex with anyone else period. i suggested to her she might be gay, but she doesn't want to hear about it. true she may have zero sexual desire, but i find that hard to believe. i think there is something else going on, although she won't talk about it.
3. i told her i wanted to date just because i wanted to find someone who would have sex with me. i did find someone, but things didn't work out. the two women were jealous of each other. go figure. i haven't pursued the dating any further since most of the other ladies i met had issues too.
4. like i said, after learning about androgyny. i think she might be too. or asexual or something that explains her lack of desire, but like everything else she doesn't want to talk about it. she is not very feminine, in terms of hair and how she dresses. she never wears perfume or makeup and i cannot remember the last time i saw her in a dress.
5. she tells me things like she doesn't want to talk about me dressing up, or only lets me buy clothes or dress up because she doesn't want to get mad, but then this weekend, she let me wear some of her jewelry and gave some of her perfume.

so rather than me get upset about this and leave, which i should, i've tried to make this relationship work and use it to my advantage. i do have a companion. she has a nice home i live in, that i take care of for her and i do pay her rent. we've enjoyed a lot of nice weekends and a recent trip to cancun. she has been sick for a while now, so leaving is not really an option. and besides i am free to date or do whatever i want anyway.

but the reason i say things have backfired is because she let me dress and buy clothes, because she didn't want me to get mad. that kind of let the genie out of the bottle. now i can and want to dress as much as i want to.

[jillleanne]

I'll pm you in the morning about this. Hugs, Jill