I’ve got to Work up the Courage

[Danielle Gee]

I’m in a quandary; I’ll be 62 years old on my next birthday and have been cross-dressing since the age of 6 or 7. By my calculations I’ve been at it for 55 years or so. I have a loving, supportive spouse who is the undisputed leader of the marriage. And even though I’m far from beautiful, I believe I’m passable……At night……from a distance…..In a blizzard. So what’s the problem you may ask? Well, in 55 years of dressing I’ve only been off my property one time while “dressed”

About 20 or so years ago, right after confessing to my wife; we went out to a drive-in hamburger joint and ate in the car. Afterwards we walked up and down Main Street in our little town (pop 18,000) and “window shopped”. It was a Sunday evening and around 7 or so. I remember it was winter time because I can still remember the cold air blowing up my dress.

The problem is I’ve never been able to get the nerve to do it again. Being in a FLM, all my spouse needs to do is say the word, but she says that’s a decision I must make on my own.

So my question to all of you is: How did you work up the courage to go out? Did you just plunge into it or did you “baby-step” it in some way?

I’d love to hear some of your stories!!


Danielle

[Marie-Elise]

The problem is I’ve never been able to get the nerve to do it again. Being in a FLM, all my spouse needs to do is say the word, but she says that’s a decision I must make on my own.


What's an "FLM"? I'm not sure I understand.

[Danielle Gee]

What's an "FLM"? I'm not sure I understand.

It means I'm in a Female Led Marriage

[brenda b smith]

I have never been out . other then walking around my back yard after dark so noone can see me. its fun to get out i just cant get the nerve or the looks to go out in daytime so i would to hear more info on this. i would really like to have cd.friends to go out for coffee and suport it just scares me

[marlaNYC]

it sounds to me like you are waiting for your wife to tell you to do this again and are unwilling to take the initiative. she's already given her approval and left the ball in your court, so all you have to do is take her implicit approval and, in your head, turn it into a direct order -"Danielle, get dressed and go out."


How did you work up the courage to go out?
i just did. i remember the sound of the blood raging through my brain, drowning out even my thoughts and almost blinding me as i stepped out of the car and walked along the footpath by the river (which was scant yards from a highway). and i walked to a bridge (predetermined target), turned around and walked back - this time toward the traffic...

[Jenniferathome]

I'd did take baby steps,so to speak, but that was before I told my wife. That was mostly driving at night and a a very few walks at night. The funny thing is, there's nothing that draws attention like a woman walking alone at night! Since telling my wife, I have been dressing more and feeling less stress about being seen. Now, when I get dressed, I want to go out. Keep in mind that if you do not want to draw attention, you have to dress "location" and "age" appropriate. One place any woman can go alone and just walk about is the mall. If you don't have a local mall, window shopping is great. And since you have an accepting wife going with her makes it all the better AND she will help you pass.

[TGMarla]

Danielle, the only way I know to do it is to just force the issue with yourself. You can make yourself as pretty as you can, spend an hour or two getting ready, but in the end, you just need to grab the door handle, and turn it. Whenever I'm out, I'm amazed at how few people actually even look at me. Sure, there are a few double-takes, but most people just ignore you. They are programmed to look once, accept what they see as fact, and move on. Is that passing? Well, yes it is, in a sense. As for those few second glances, well, they may clock you, but really, who cares? They aren't going to call the gender police on you, and it may well give them something to talk about for a year and a day. Either way, you did as you wished, got what you wanted, and everyone's better off for it.

[sara.s]

For me, dressing is like wearing a costume and its fun putting on a good outfit and see how it changes my looks. I would look down on myself if I dressed just to pass. So, I would say I plunged.

Here is my summary of my first few dressed outings:
1st time: Dressed in a beautiful skirt dress; then sneaked into my car in the evening and went dressed to CD meet. No stranger saw me. At the cd meet, i was told it was over the top for my first time dressed out.
2nd time: Dressed in normal top; I sneaked into my car late at night and drove out and filled up gas. No stranger saw me.
3rd time: Did most makeup at home except eye makeup and dressed in a sexy skirt n top. then I couldn't sneak in my car, some one saw me while getting in (not sure if they realized i was in cd). Drove to macy's, asked some SA's where the MAC counter was and got eye makeup done at Mac.. Drove to friend's (GG) house and then surprised her and then went to movie together. During the movie, I walked to the popcorn counter alone and stood in line nervously.. Some did find out i was in cd but i didn't look at many faces.. I saw one girl who was with her bf give me a lovely smile.

Each time out made me bolder. Overtime, I realized that being passable is more about behavior than about looks. Slowly i learned(learnt) to ignore even if I was clocked as a cd. You see, there is only one life; you gotta do what you wanna do.

[Debglam]

So my question to all of you is: How did you work up the courage to go out? Did you just plunge into it or did you “baby-step” it in some way?

Hi Danielle,

For me it was going out with girlfriends. Are there any other girls nearby that you can go out with or are you just looking to go out with your SO again? The other part of going out was attitude, kind of what Sara S was getting at.

Assume that you are NOT going to pass. So what? Go out and have fun. Focus on what you are doing, who you are with, and enjoy it. Look people in the eye, smile, and try to look confident (even if you are scared). I think the attitude is what most people sense and if you are positive their response will tend to be positive.

[Danielle Gee]

Hi Danielle,

For me it was going out with girlfriends. Are there any other girls nearby that you can go out with or are you just looking to go out with your SO again? The other part of going out was attitude, kind of what Sara S was getting at.

Assume that you are NOT going to pass. So what? Go out and have fun. Focus on what you are doing, who you are with, and enjoy it. Look people in the eye, smile, and try to look confident (even if you are scared). I think the attitude is what most people sense and if you are positive their response will tend to be positive.

Thanks to all of you for the advice, Do you think I'd be better off to make my "Maiden" voyage in my own little town (Pop 18,000) or go to Columbus (pop over 1 million).

I've heard there are several TS/TV friendly bars and even a Crossdressing group. Is it easier go into a group of CD'rs? or go as a duo (my wife has gotta go with me). Do most of these CD groups have an open night for guests?


Danielle

[Debglam]

Look for groups in your area. I imagine a city as big as Columbus would have at least one. Contact them and I am sure that they would help. From my experience with my local group, River City Gems, they have a range of activities for varying comfort levels of being out. Everything from very secure and private trans events to new girl nights out with an experienced sister, to just going out with friends. My experience has been that the prevailing attitude is that TG's and GG's who have "been there and done that" really want to help and pay it forward. The groups welcome newbies!

[Sarah Doepner]

I did the baby steps. Post midnight walks in the yard, drives, scrambles to the motel ice machine and back. I told myself I was going to go out of the motel room many times and froze with my hand on the doorknob. Finally, one evening I stared in the mirror and saw that I was ready to go out. It was easier when I actually had someone to go out with, so a support group can be a major help. And going out with my wife has been a help as well, she has offered me insights and observations that helped me become much more comfortable. So basically, it took everything to get me over that hump, but the first step was recognizing that it was something I wanted to do, not something others expected from me. This isn't a decision that should be driven by peer pressure, but by your desire.

[Cindy M]

Get dressed and head out with your wife. There's no better support that having her with you for encouragement. Just leaving the house and going out driving is a good first baby step. It gets easier. I'm still struggling...:battingeyelashes:

[Kate Simmons]

Basically you JDI (just do it) Hon. That's what I finally did over 10 years ago.:)

[ashleyflats]

I also recommend the baby step approach. That's what I did, and I was lucky to have my SO who was super supportive. First step for me was going out to Wal-Mart at like 1:30am with my SO, then Goodwill during the daytime. Just today I went on my first errands trip by myself, to multiple stores in the day time. At the end of my shopping trip I pushed myself a bit further by going to Starbucks for coffee and sitting at a table drinking it.

I've found that after I push a boundary of mine, like actually ordering a Latte en femme, I leave feeling really good. I usually am overly self-conscious and worried about what people think, and pushing my comfort zone makes me realize a few things.

1. Most people won't notice you if you're dressed to blend in and minding your own business.
2. Even if you're not quite passing 100%, most people won't stare, confront or harass you. I've gotten the vibe that I hadn't passed before at the checkout counters, but the vast majority of people are polite even when they might have an idea you're a CD.
3. If someone did call you out rudely, they're a total asshole, so who cares about them anyways. Plus, if you're careful about not going out where people might recognize you, they have no idea who you are in the first place!

So I hope you're inspired by the supportive friends on this forum, it's hard to take the first step but you'll be so glad you did! Go do it!!

[Cheryl T]

For me I just bit my tongue, got dressed, took a really deep breath and walked out the door.
Then I found I could still breath, the world didn't end, my heart didn't stop and I wasn't lynched by a mob of angry teenagers.
After that it was just taking one step at a time.

[SusanMarie]

IMHO...
first time out is the most difficult and you already did that, so...
everytime after will become more enjoyable...
and having the support of your SO makes it even better...
do something you both enjoy, dress appropriate for the occasion and go for it...

[Kaz]

For me it was baby-steps, getting bolder each time and then feeling on top of the world. Then for various reasons I stopped. It was then back to baby-steps, but the progress was quicker as I got my confidence back.

Baby-steps for me... walking around at the edge of a mall car park, getting used to walking right etc... being able to see people but knowing that what they are seeing is a woman from a long distance... gradually the outings got closer people until I was walking amongst them. Best first time for close contact was in the dark but in a public place (UK in Autumn at around 6pm)...

I would suggest going back to baby-steps just to relive the feel of it... then you will so have to do it!

[Missy Tanya]

For me it was the big 50. Looking back, I sure wish I would have gotten the urge to get out more when I was younger. But as a woman, most tell me I look in my late 30's to early 40's. I could just kiss them. The first step was the toughest. Now I look forward to the next planned outing. And the second, first-time out in 10+ years was to a TG Support Meeting. They welcome drop ins and first times with open arms. Now three years later, I've just went out for the 28th time this year. Shooting for 30 to say I was dressed pretty and out in public over one months time for the year.

Just go for it, you'll be glad you did. Tanya

[ashlylynn]

It's Halloween - just do it.

After Monday night - you need to wait another year.

Just go.

See ... the REGULAR guys who go out IN DRAG on Halloween don't feel silly - they go out for fun.

They have nothing to worry about on Halloween.
They DO get laughed at ... but people laugh because THEY KNOW they are intending to cause laughs
so don't be disheartened if people laugh at you on Halloween.

[Melissa Rose]

I agree with Debbie's advice about finding a group or someone experienced to go out with. You feel more anonymous in larger cities and less likely to run into someone you know so going to Columbus would feel safer than in your much smaller home town. Going with someone who knows the various places and can guide you to ones better suited for beginners is a very nice resource to have available. One option is to first visit the potential places in drab so you can get a feel or the vibe of the place. Then it will not seem totally foreign to you if you decide to visit while dressed.

I'm totally out in the mainstream. I get asked how did I get comfortable with going out. The simple answer is "by going out". It is analogous to learning how to ride a bicycle. You have to get on the bike and ride it until you get good at it. You will be wobbly and maybe crash once or twice at first, but after a while you can easily do it without thinking about it. Attitude is also important. One way to find that attitude is to go out with someone who already has it. It is contagious and having a role model does help.

I met Debbie through our local group (River City Gems) and watched her confidence level blossom (explode would be a better description) over the past few months. She is speaking from experience. Last month I took her out for her first time shopping at a mall, and it was wonderful watching her breeze through the experience and totally love it.

[Eryn]

I have to agree with the "just go" group in your situation. You have the best possible companion, a supportive wife. You have the perfect "excuse," Halloween. Now is the time!

[Sally24]

As a kid I would run down the dock so fast that at some point my momentum was too great to stop. That's how I got in the cold water of the lake.

Going out in public I just jumped in with both feet. Went with my SO to get a makeover, shopped in their store, then.......just went out to lunch at a mainstream restaurant. Then when the world didn't end, we went shopping and taking pictures at a park. We started going out more and more then. To regular stores and women's clothing stores. Eventually you stop sweating and relax and enjoy yourself. It took me almost a year to get to that point. Now I go out with groups, with family, or alone.

I say go to Columbus and get started!

[jillleanne]

In my case it wasn't courage, it was a need that made me do it. A need to prove to myself what I was doing in womens clothing was not just a fantasy but a reality that made me feel more normal than just being dressed in the house. I needed to prove to myself the woman in me could interact with society in a way that felt normal and accepting. That was many years ago and I really am not sure if I really remember when I first went out bit I think it was to a shopping mall and got read by some teens just as I was about to go in. I turned around and walked back to my car all the while the girls were whistling and laughing to each other. I was so embarrasssed. lol That was around 1980.
The first time out that I really became comfortable with who I was, was when I went to a grocery store/box store( think Walmart Supercentre). It is simply so easy and comfortable when out with that gigantic cart in front of you. You just simply fit into the surroundings so well, you have a place for that purse that wants to fall from the shoulder, you can see your nails and jewellry, etc. Try it some time.

[kimdl93]

I'm not sure how to explain "how". One day, I just didn't want to change into male mode for the 2 minute task of moving a lawn sprinkler. So, I walked out the front door fully en femme. Nothing horrible happened. A home health aid was talking on the cell phone in front of my neighbors house - she barely paid any attention. At that point, I realized that I could do it.

[Danielle Gee]

I certainly cannot thank all of you enough for the advice and support. My Wife and I talked it over, and she decided that we’re going on our little adventure in the month of November. I’ll make a posting when it happens and include a photo or two if possible.

Again, thanks for all the support.

Danielle

[Cally]

First outing for me was to a birthday party for a TS girl at a gay hotel. My SO did my makeup and helped with what to wear. It was something I had wanted to do for so long but never had the courage. For some reason everything just fell into place that night and when I looked in the mirror and did not see a man looking back, that was it. No turning back and I haven't.

Since then I have evolved and don't need help with makeup. I've expanded my wardrobe heaps and go out every Wednesday to a restaurant for dinner with a group of girls. I love going to the hotel where I first went as it is just brimming with a diversity of understanding and friendly people. I always meet new friends there. I'm going out during the day now and look forward to further afield.

I think the secret is to go out with someone or to a place where you are going to meet someone. I don't think what I did was baby steps. It was more like blasting off. The initial adrenalin and later the endorphins was absolutely awesome.

Go for it I say .. but go with friends

Cally

[Veronica27]

One of the factors that has always made me hesitate to just jump out there, is my height. Now in my 70's I have shrunk a little to about 6' 3". My wife, who is otherwise very supportive, has said that at my height I would stand out too much for me to feel comfortable out and about, and that she would probably feel self-conscious with me. The first time I did venture outside, other than some underdressing, was about 12 or 13 years ago when I went for a middle of the night drive, to test getting from the door to the car and back unnoticed. When I later mentioned doing this to my wife, she was upset that I had taken the chance, because of what could have transpired had the car broken down or I had an accident.

I laid low after that for a few more years, and then my wife suprised me one Halloween and suggested that I dress up to hand out the treats to the kids at the door. I tried to look my best, but got lots of laughs from neighbours, and was good-naturedly the talk of the area for a while afterward. Those that missed it insisted that I do it again next year, so I did. I then began to feel that the neighbours might be putting two and two together, and the next couple of years, I tried to ham it up and look silly, like a witch one year and some sort of ugly fairy the next. I then gave up doing that.

Then, about 4 years ago, I mentioned to my wife in passing that there was a CD weekend event being held in a neighbouring town about an hours drive away. She suprised me by suggesting that I go, and that she would come along and stay at the hotel, but not attend the functions as she had some shopping and things she wanted to do. After we checked into the hotel, she headed out to do her thing, and I got ready to head down to register for the festivities. I had that strange feeling that others have described, because this was the first time that I was going to be seen by the others presenting as a woman and not just clowning around (or so I hoped people were thinking on those Halloweens). I just had to force myself to open the hotel room door and step out into the hall. Just my luck, a member of the cleaning staff was right outside the room next to me, so I had no opportunity to change my mind, hide, turn the other way or anything else. She just smiled and said hello, and I walked very self-consciously down the hall to the elevators. That weekend, I was seen by many people, both CDers and others staying at the hotel. It did wonders for my confidence and is a great way, although it can be expensive, to make that first step.

We have since attended about 3 more such events and my wife has attended with me, and has become quite comfortable around many of the CDers, but does not care for those who want to become involved in deep discussions about the politics or psychology of dressing, or transgenderism, etc. She just hopes they act like ordinary people and discuss mostly non- CD stuff other than where they bought their dress or places they like to go.

I have not been out other than those events, as neither of us can get beyond the self-consciousness of my height (it is irrelevant at the CD functions). At my local mall, I seldom see anyone, male or especially female, who is my height, and I do not want to draw attention to myself. Our community has a higher percentage of seniors than some areas, as it is a favourite town for retirees, (meaning getting as far away from Toronto, Ottawa and Montreal as possible and still be near civilization) and very few of them are even 6' tall. As part of a group height doesn't matter, but alone I am uncomfortable. I have not been able to meet others locally, yet, who share my particular interests in crossdressing and other activities.

Veronica