I don't want to be trans

[Steph.TS]

When I think about transitioning I think about the end result, being a woman, that's all I want to be is a woman. when I think about the transitional period I become afraid, of rejection, how will I look, what reactions will I get, can I pass etc... I have 2 thougts when it come to transitioning, 1. I want to be a woman, as I believe I'll be happiest as a woman. 2. I want to play it safe live a man because it's safer.

Whenever I think about option 2 it makes me sad, because in a way I'm giving up on myself if I choose option 2. being trans is very troubling but I don't really know what else to do.

[Melody Moore]

Steph,

First of all you will find about 99.99% of trans women don't want to be trans. There is no magic pill or procedure
that is going to turn you instantly into a woman. We are all aware that we go through an androgynous stage during
transition and yes it can be tough, but how tough is life for you now? You say you are sad to be living as a man.

So if you want to get from point A to point B then you are going to have to make the journey, if you can't do that
then you will never get there I am afraid to say. There is no easy way around this. If you really want this bad enough
then you will go through it. So if you really want this, then you will have to do what the rest of us have had to do...

167483

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Hey Steph, hold my hand and anyone else who is experiencing this hold onto our hands and let us try and get through this together. It is very, very hard I know.

[Zenith]

No one really wanted to have these feelings of not knowing peace with how we were born. You have to decide for you if you can make peace how you are. If you cannot, don't worry. As you pass each step, you gain confidence and lose fear. It becomes very comfortable and joyous finally living your life.

[Michelle I]

No one really wanted to have these feelings of not knowing peace with how we were born. You have to decide for you if you can make peace how you are. If you cannot, don't worry. As you pass each step, you gain confidence and lose fear. It becomes very comfortable and joyous finally living your life.

Julie: what a wonderful thought.:)

[Bree-asaurus]

No one wants to be trans. If I could just be happy being a guy, I would. But I can't. We do what we have to do so we stay alive and enjoy life the best we can. What path you take depends on what you need to do to be happy. Whatever you do, just don't give up.

[Starling]

When your feelings come to a head, Steph, you will know what you must do, because the choice will be simple. Notice I did not say easy. Until then, expect a lot of anguished self-examination, guilt and shame. That's where I am now, but I'm beginning to sense a change in the weather. It scares me, but it focuses me, too.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Julie: what a wonderful thought.:)

I totally agree...

and i agree with its simple...try to make it simple...

by making it simple, you take something that is incredibly hard, and make it just a little bit easier

[Fractured]

Whenever I think about option 2 it makes me sad, because in a way I'm giving up on myself if I choose option 2. being trans is very troubling but I don't really know what else to do.
I feel the same way. :hugs:

[Katelyn]

We all know what you're feeling. I'm just stepping out of that awkward stage of being "between". When I was a teen and early 20's I said I'd never transition because I didn't want to be "one of them." Then as I grew older, I came to realize that I couldn't hide the feelings forever. They just kept getting worse. Because I work on a Marine Base and at a Fire Department, I was even more scared to go forward. Then one day I came to an ultimatum. Live with depression for the rest of my life or Move forward and go through that awkward stage to become who I truly am inside. Most of the people on this website are wonderful and can help you out a ton. My recommendation though would be to try to find a trans support group in your area. It helps to meet and talk to someone in person that is experiencing or has experienced the same thing.

[CaptLex]

No one wants to be trans.

Speak for yourself. I have no problem being trans - as I define it, which I realize can be different from the way Steph defines it. To each his/her own - please don't assume that we all feel the same way.

[Bree-asaurus]

Speak for yourself. I have no problem being trans - as I define it, which I realize can be different from the way Steph defines it. To each his/her own - please don't assume that we all feel the same way.

That was a generalization. Please don't take offense. The majority of transexuals don't want to be trans. They don't want to have to deal with gender dysphoria. There are always exceptions, that should be obvious. If you've read any of my other posts you would know that I don't think everyone always fits into neat little categories.

[Zenith]

Speak for yourself. I have no problem being trans - as I define it, which I realize can be different from the way Steph defines it. To each his/her own - please don't assume that we all feel the same way.

Let me try to dissect the semantics. Transitioning to a transexual is wonderful. Having the dysphoria and lack of congruency in your life that makes you need to transition not so much.

I am very much happier as a trans-person than a cis-gendered person. And one day maybe I'll be grateful for the perspective this gives me. I just wish the years and years of growing up of feeling wrong, sadness, and pain simply never had to happen. I wish I was happy and fully functional as a cis-gendered person of either gender. I am sad I cannot have children. That may be me. But really, who would actually want this? Makes you stronger yes, if you can survive it. Many of us do not.

[Rianna Humble]

I guess I can see what I think that both Capt Lex and Bree were trying to say.

I know that if given a choice, I would have wanted to be cisgender. I certainly did not want the agony of acute gender dysphoria or the suicidal depression that it gave me. Given the choice, I would have gone in the twinkling of an eye from being a woman in a man's body to being who I really am and thereby would have avoided the agonising over whether I could really live my life in my true gender and what anguish that would cause to those most dear to me. I did not want to be trans, but I am.

Like Julie, I am sad that I cannot have children. My friends often said I would make a great mother even when they did not know I am a woman.

I am not ashamed of being trans and to this extent can agree with the good captain. I certainly won't run and hide from who I am in the way that a certain immature member of this forum would like me to. By force of circumstance I could not hide from it even if I had wanted to since a hatchet job of my story has already gone around the globe.

Where I believe that I differ from Lex's apparent position is that whilst I am not ashamed to be trans, I would never have chosen it if there had been an alternative.

[Starling]

Because all my life I have wanted to be able to live as the woman I am, in my present state of mind it would be hard for me to say I'd rather be a cis-male. Cis-female, yesyesyesyesyes, especially after being a tourist in both lives. But my male life would have been infinitely easier and emotionally richer had I never felt this horrible longing to be someone else--someone whole. I feel that pain every day like a knife in my heart.

:) Lallie

[CaptLex]

That was a generalization. Please don't take offense. The majority of transexuals don't want to be trans.
Generalizations are dangerous – in this case it can create an even smaller minority inside what’s already a marginalized group. I understand that MOST trans people would prefer to be cis and not have to go through the pain of transition (and I don’t blame them), but to say that NO ONE wants to be trans is leaving those of us who don’t mind it on a deserted island with no other company. Many trans people already feel that they’re misunderstood, don’t fit in, etc. . . . to think that one may be the only person that feels differently, even inside a group of misfits, is that much more isolating.


Let me try to dissect the semantics. Transitioning to a transexual is wonderful. Having the dysphoria and lack of congruency in your life that makes you need to transition not so much.
No need to break it down for me, Zenith, I’m not confused. I just object to the terminology that suggests everyone feels the same way.


I am not ashamed of being trans and to this extent can agree with the good captain. I certainly won't run and hide from who I am in the way that a certain immature member of this forum would like me to. By force of circumstance I could not hide from it even if I had wanted to since a hatchet job of my story has already gone around the globe.

Where I believe that I differ from Lex's apparent position is that whilst I am not ashamed to be trans, I would never have chosen it if there had been an alternative.
Thanks Rianna, you’re on the right track. You’re right that I’m not ashamed even though I too have dealt with dysphoria, etc. (still do, actually), and if I had been given the choice from the start I wouldn’t have chosen this path either – but only because of societal perceptions and consequent alienation, not because there’s anything wrong with me. So I’m glad I didn’t get a choice because I would have missed out on who I was meant to be. My experiences as a man who had to live as a woman give me a unique perspective other guys can only imagine, and my experiences as a female-bodied person who crossed over to the other side have also opened my eyes to a wondrous and rare world which I profoundly appreciate because I wasn't born to it.

No, I wouldn’t have chosen it because I would have expected the worst, but in hindsight I can appreciate the situation. It’s okay, I don’t expect anyone to understand, let alone agree with me, I’m just saying that this is how I feel about being trans – I’m good with it – so please don’t assume that it’s the same for everyone.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

so wait a sec...you jump on the statement no one wants to be trans..

then you jump on the friendly clarification..

then you go on to say if you had been given the choice from the start you wouldn't have chosen this path..

and then you say no one is expected to understand..

you got that right!:confused:

[Starling]

Men!

:heehee: Lallie

PS: Capt. Lex, I understand what you're saying about appreciating manhood more having acquired it late, and at a cost. I feel the same way about womanhood, and yes, that aspect I certainly wouldn't regret after transition. It's like becoming naturalized in your adopted country--new citizens often have a special kind of patriotism. Still, they can't be President of the US. (I'm not sure that scans.)

[Bree-asaurus]

Generalizations are dangerous – in this case it can create an even smaller minority inside what’s already a marginalized group. I understand that MOST trans people would prefer to be cis and not have to go through the pain of transition (and I don’t blame them), but to say that NO ONE wants to be trans is leaving those of us who don’t mind it on a deserted island with no other company. Many trans people already feel that they’re misunderstood, don’t fit in, etc. . . . to think that one may be the only person that feels differently, even inside a group of misfits, is that much more isolating.

Chill out Lex. You sound like you just want to argue. I'm just being friendly and trying to help someone out. What's also dangerous to our already fragmented group is bickering about nothing.


so wait a sec...you jump on the statement no one wants to be trans..

then you jump on the friendly clarification..

then you go on to say if you had been given the choice from the start you wouldn't have chosen this path..

and then you say no one is expected to understand..

you got that right!:confused:

Yeah, I'm kind of confused too lol...

[Zenith]

Well there goes that olive branch...lol
:Zenith:

[Melody Moore]

Chill out Lex. You sound like you just want to argue. I'm just being friendly and trying to help someone out. What's also dangerous to our already fragmented group is bickering about nothing.

I have to agree with Bree, I am really sick of it, and just because if you don't agree Lex, then WTF is wrong with agreeing
to disagree and just walk away? Just like your other comment on another thread talking about the misrepresentation of
women and that there would be no 'male bashing'. Well sorry I cannot pander to your type of political correctness when
something really needs to be said and I certainly wont apologise. And I still say it... Noone really wants to be trans period!

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

:OMG: I feel like crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over my head and hide from everyone.

[Starling]

As most of us are only digital phantoms to one another, perhaps we can manage to cut each other multi-MBs of slack and stop micro-reacting to perceived slights. Let's face it, everyone on the TS train is traveling second-class and has a pent-up rage at the bullshit we've all had to endure for way too long--and it's too easy to take it out on the poor souls who will at least pay effing attention.

I pledge from now on to bend over backwards to try not to take anything personally, and to chalk up any seemingly offensive or intolerant comments to the fact of the s****y end of the olive branch we've all had to grab. So there.

:drink:Lallie (No, I didn't take that pledge.)

[Julia_in_Pa]

I fully and completely agree with Melody.
To live halfway when you know what you must do is to allow your life to rot in your own self confined hell.
I lost everything and everyone when I transitioned.
Those are the breaks.
I survived it and have gone on to live the life I was always supposed to live.
Sometimes in life you have to swallow hard and do what has to be done.
Talk the talk just make sure you walk the walk.


Julia




Steph,

First of all you will find about 99.99% of trans women don't want to be trans. There is no magic pill or procedure
that is going to turn you instantly into a woman. We are all aware that we go through an androgynous stage during
transition and yes it can be tough, but how tough is life for you now? You say you are sad to be living as a man.

So if you want to get from point A to point B then you are going to have to make the journey, if you can't do that
then you will never get there I am afraid to say. There is no easy way around this. If you really want this bad enough
then you will go through it. So if you really want this, then you will have to do what the rest of us have had to do...

167483

[CaptLex]

Bree and Melody,

I actually didn't come on this thread to argue - merely to point out that not everyone feels the same way. And I'm not asking for political correctness, but male-bashing does happen on this forum repeatedly and is detrimental to the trans community. How would you feel if the guys repeatedly came on and bashed women? Would you feel included and accepted here?

But that aside, as I said, I came to mention a different point of view. Apparently differences of opinion are not welcome, however, so I won't overstay my welcome and ruin your party.

[*Vanessa*]

When your feelings come to a head, Steph, you will know what you must do, because the choice will be simple. Notice I did not say easy. Until then, expect a lot of anguished self-examination, guilt and shame. That's where I am now, but I'm beginning to sense a change in the weather. It scares me, but it focuses me, too.

:) Lallie


See the clouds, watch them move

_/l\_

[Melody Moore]

How would you feel if the guys repeatedly came on and bashed women?
Lex, you are welcome to tell me all I need to know about women if it's relevant to a topic of discussion like the
'MissRepresentsation (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?162735-Miss-Representation-on-OWN)" thread for example, I won't take personal offence & might learn something, so I am all ears!

Additionally, most of the people posting here have been supporting Steph for quite sometime and
have a better idea where she is at than you obviously do. Steph has an issue with being trans, but
I guess you missed the point of her thread since you were caught up with your own agenda here.
And that is what we were discussing, so if you want to wear the trans label around that is your
choice, but don't expect others here to share you point of view. So have we got that clear now?

[Bree-asaurus]

Bree and Melody,

I actually didn't come on this thread to argue - merely to point out that not everyone feels the same way.

And I agreed with you and yet you still had to argue... lol. Let's try to lighten up a bit and also try to remember that we're not here to turn every thread into a war. Some of us come here to try to help others.


And I'm not asking for political correctness, but male-bashing does happen on this forum repeatedly and is detrimental to the trans community. How would you feel if the guys repeatedly came on and bashed women? Would you feel included and accepted here?

We can bash women too! I'm a equal opportunity basher! Bitches be crazy! (That's a joke, no need to freak out on me again)


But that aside, as I said, I came to mention a different point of view. Apparently differences of opinion are not welcome, however, so I won't overstay my welcome and ruin your party.

That's totally cool and everyone is welcome to share their point of view... that's why this is a FORUM. Just don't continue to attack someone, especially after they AGREE with you.

Anyway, back on topic:

Steph, you don't really need to make a choice right now to transition or not. Just do little things that help make you happy. Spend more time as yourself with friends and people who support you. You can allow yourself to be yourself without making an irreversible decision to transition. But I think you'll find that the more you are able to be yourself, the happier you will be. You may start to care less about how well you pass because you'll be happier, which is really what's important. You may also become less hard on yourself and realize that maybe you pass more than you thought you would.

[Aprilrain]

Did I want to be trans? HELL NO for the longest time I wanted this thing (which I didn't even have a name for) to go away! I finally went looking for a cure. I used to say that I didn't find one and instead found this forum and a whole lot of other information on the subject which helped a little with self acceptance but now would say I DID find a cure! NOT what I had in mind but hey nothing is perfect. So though I never wanted to be trans I did want to be myself and not have to hate me, In a way you could say that in that regard i did want to be trans. Interestingly enough I DON"T want to be a GG (anymore) im 35 and have 2 kids so im pretty excited about not being able to get pregnant! imagine your in the middle of transition and you find a magic lamp, out pops a genie and grants you 1 wish, you excitedly say I want to be a genetic girl!!!! next thing you know you are Roseanne Barr! OWCH! try to be happy being you, sometimes its impossible but this too shall pass.

[Anna Lorree]

We all know what you're feeling. I'm just stepping out of that awkward stage of being "between". When I was a teen and early 20's I said I'd never transition because I didn't want to be "one of them." Then as I grew older, I came to realize that I couldn't hide the feelings forever. They just kept getting worse. Because I work on a Marine Base and at a Fire Department, I was even more scared to go forward. Then one day I came to an ultimatum. Live with depression for the rest of my life or Move forward and go through that awkward stage to become who I truly am inside. Most of the people on this website are wonderful and can help you out a ton. My recommendation though would be to try to find a trans support group in your area. It helps to meet and talk to someone in person that is experiencing or has experienced the same thing.

Katelyn, I am in the fire service, too. I'm a Captain in a local municipal department. Good to see a sister in the brotherhood!

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

Getting back to the OP, I can understand. I don't want to be TG either, I just want to match. I want my mind to match my body, and I honestly don't really care which direction that goes. I just want them to be in the same place. My problem is that I haven't figured out exactly where my mind is happiest. There are very real aspects of both masculinity and femininity that I love and feel compelled to live. That is the confusing part to me, not knowing which way to go...

Anna

[Starling]

See the clouds, watch them move

_/l\_

That's a new one on me, Vanessa. I like it.

:) Lallie

[Frances]

In response to the OP: Me neither.

I have had a easy as can be considering my age. I am relatively short and cute and young-looking. I am stealth and fully integrated into society as my target gender, and it STILL SUCKS! I did not want it, and fought against it until my fortieth miserable year on this planet. I finally accepted it and went on with had to be done. I only regret one thing: not doing it sooner.

[Starling]

In response to the OP: Me neither.

...I am stealth and fully integrated into society as my target gender, and it STILL SUCKS!...

God, Frances, that makes me so sad. Is it from the memory of all the years of pain and dysphoria, or is it fresh misery that's tormenting you? Do you miss major aspects of your old life terribly? Please don't answer if it's too personal.

:sad: Lallie

[Bree-asaurus]

In response to the OP: Me neither.

I have had a easy as can be considering my age. I am relatively short and cute and young-looking. I am stealth and fully integrated into society as my target gender, and it STILL SUCKS! I did not want it, and fought against it until my fortieth miserable year on this planet. I finally accepted it and went on with had to be done. I only regret one thing: not doing it sooner.

:( I'm sorry to hear that. Please share...

[Frances]

I am going to my support group now, but I will answer later.

[Anna Lorree]

In response to the OP: Me neither.

I have had a easy as can be considering my age. I am relatively short and cute and young-looking. I am stealth and fully integrated into society as my target gender, and it STILL SUCKS! I did not want it, and fought against it until my fortieth miserable year on this planet. I finally accepted it and went on with had to be done. I only regret one thing: not doing it sooner.

Well, visually you are quite convincing!

Anna

[Melody Moore]

Well, visually you are quite convincing!
And there is the problem, not everything is physical, a lot of it is emotional or mental and that
is exactly what the OP's main issue is. How does anyone know how well the OP will be accepted?

We don't even know what Steph looks like or where they live for a start. Which I also think is a real
shame because someone really needs to take Steph under their wing and show them that being a
trans woman isn't always so bad once you have conquered the mental aspects with transition and
get some tips and help with how to present herself as a female, but the beard has to go for a start.

So Steph, come on, it is time you started to open up to this community more if you want some real help and support here.

[Hope]

When I think about transitioning I think about the end result, being a woman, that's all I want to be is a woman. when I think about the transitional period I become afraid, of rejection, how will I look, what reactions will I get, can I pass etc... I have 2 thougts when it come to transitioning, 1. I want to be a woman, as I believe I'll be happiest as a woman. 2. I want to play it safe live a man because it's safer.

Whenever I think about option 2 it makes me sad, because in a way I'm giving up on myself if I choose option 2. being trans is very troubling but I don't really know what else to do.

I didn't want to be trans either. In fact still don't. I lament missing out on girlhood. I lament having to think about every little bloody thing I do, how I act, talk, dress, to make sure I present myself well, to make sure I represent my sisters well - in ADDITION to having to worry about every little bloody thing the way EVERY woman does. I lament that every time I walk into a room I have to wonder if I will be accepted, and have a plan for how to handle the situation if I am confronted by a raving lunatic, or just some idiot who wants to call me "sir." I lament having to be hyper vigilant, because a portion of the residents of this planet think that killing us is fun sport. I really wish I had simply been born with a body that made sense, but I didn't. Apparently neither did you. So here we are. For me, being trans is about fixing a birth defect, it isn't an identity in and of itself (though I realize that it is an identity I will always bear). I HATE being trans.

On the other hand - transition has been the greatest, most rewarding, eye opening experience of my life. I am happier, more generous, kinder, more empathetic, and over all more joy-filled than I ever would have imagined was possible. I didn't even realize how miserable I was before...

Your option 2 is interesting. I think you have well identified that it is a total cop-out. But your use of the term "safer" is interesting. Is life "safer" as a cis guy than it is as a trans woman? You bet. Physically at least. But if you are a trans woman, life as a cis guy is a minefield, and only safe in the physical sense. It is not safe in the sense of your emotional happiness, or your likelihood of committing suicide. That isn't exactly safe.

I HATE being trans, but I would never go back to being a cis guy. EVER. Never ever.

You don't have to be afraid of Option1. julie is right, you don't have to decide all at once, take small bites, break the process down into manageable chunks, and before you know it - you will be one of the big girls ...

[Jay Cee]

...Just do little things that help make you happy. Spend more time as yourself with friends and people who support you. You can allow yourself to be yourself without making an irreversible decision to transition. But I think you'll find that the more you are able to be yourself, the happier you will be. You may start to care less about how well you pass because you'll be happier, which is really what's important. You may also become less hard on yourself and realize that maybe you pass more than you thought you would.

How did you get so wise, young lady? That was beautifully said, and oh so true.

Steph, you are not alone. I know I don't want to be trans. Even being pretty darned sure that I am, I fight that knowledge a lot. And yet, I still do things that keep me sane. I wear gender neutral clothes, put clear polish on my longish nails, go for an hour or two of electrolysis a week, and so forth. Next up is learning makeup, and how to speak like a woman. It is a slow process, but I think you will probably find that as you push your boundaries, you will accept yourself more and more. It's working for me, slowly but surely.

[Steph.TS]

And there is the problem, not everything is physical, a lot of it is emotional or mental and that
is exactly what the OP's main issue is. How does anyone know how well the OP will be accepted?

We don't even know what Steph looks like or where they live for a start. Which I also think is a real
shame because someone really needs to take Steph under their wing and show them that being a
trans woman isn't always so bad once you have conquered the mental aspects with transition and
get some tips and help with how to present herself as a female, but the beard has to go for a start.

So Steph, come on, it is time you started to open up to this community more if you want some real help and support here.
I'd be happy to open up, IRL I'm an open book except for a few parts that I'm afraid people wouldn't understand like my trans nature. I even have a friend I have pretty much come out but haven't actually said it yet and part of me is irritated that I can't just just be open with someone I trust, but if things turn sour he's a co-worker, known my family and I carpool with him, he could hurt me badly if he wanted.

I try to open up on here but I'm afraid if I give too much detail people I know might connect the dots and I'll be prematurely outed. how do I open up on here and protect myself? I'm getting to the point were I'm so tired or trying to fit in the wrong box that I'm trying to make myself happy (without going too far so far) I'm growing out my hair and seriously thinking about getting my ears pierced. I paint my nail in clear matte nail polish nad grow them out a bit but try to avoid getting so long people question me on them, sometimes I think I'd like to get a manicuure/pedicure but I get nervous with the idea of going in and asking for that plus the idea that I may be spotted against scares me. being in the closet sucks. lol

[Aprilrain]

he could hurt me badly if he wanted.

I try to open up on here but I'm afraid if I give too much detail people I know might connect the dots and I'll be prematurely outed.

Your secrets are what have the power to hurt you. You give others that power by hiding you also tell others that you know you are wrong for feeling the way that you do by hiding. I understand that everybody has their own time frame and you should stick to one that is comfortable for you, caution is advisable, abject fear is debilitating!

If your friends are browsing this site it's because thet are TG! Cisgendered folks may eat their young but they don't go looking for trannies on sites like this! people are not out looking for ways to destroy you Steph. You might want to discuss these thoughts with your therapist, fear is normal but this sounds a bit too paranoid to me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Steph my heart goes out to you..
I really know what its like (and as you can say so do lots of us!!)...

I have no magic carpet for you.. Your choices are stark and your gender conflict is unforgiving.

It is totally rational to fear a bad outcome, your concerns are valid and meaningful...what you are going through is powerful and confusing..
it destroys better people than me and you!! guess what.. nobody cares that we don't want to be trans.. we care, we understand , but we also know that there is no "cure" other than trying to live your best life...

nobody is searching this site looking to out you...don't cop out that way..btw...safe haven is a private access forum...you have be let in...nobody can post or read posts other than us..

here is the real life wisdom i learned...day by day is all you can do...and when your mind is racing and you are feeling out of control, you need close in guidance and support..therapy groups, other people like you, even just ONE person around that knows you and is supportive and knowledgeable can make a huge difference..

on bad days, reach out and get some support...you need it and you deserve it, and on good days reach out and support somebody else...i find when i get down and sad about anything in life, trying to help others with their own problems gets my mind off my life and it gives meaning to my days, and makes me feel like this all means something...

[Frances]

Aprilrain and Kaitlyn Michele are right about this. I know because I have paranoid tendencies as well. A therapist may be able to help you with your fears. Say everyone finds out about you. What will happen? Even if nobody wants to talk to you anymore (which will not happen), so what? You become a pariah? My money is on you becoming a pariah anyway. It happened to me. I became so disfontional that I stopped talking to people and hid from my relatives for years. It's not easy trying to rebuild a social life after coccooning for a very long time. The way out is being honest with yourself, and that does not mean transition itself. Put everything on the table with your therapist; don't hold back. Once the house-cleaning is done, decisions make themselves.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Once the house-cleaning is done, decisions make themselves.

very true..this is true about everything in life...even business....the right decision is always apparent at some point..unfortunately many times its only apparent after its too late (especially true in business!!!)

this concept is cruel to us... humans are incredibly poor at assessing abstract and future risk/reward, and for us its worse because we are dealing with meaning of life type things...

this is why all the info and knowledge is so valuable to you, and its why brutal and honest self assessment (and the risk this entails) is so important to you.

[Fractured]

I'm getting to the point were I'm so tired or trying to fit in the wrong box that I'm trying to make myself happy (without going too far so far) I'm growing out my hair and seriously thinking about getting my ears pierced. I paint my nail in clear matte nail polish nad grow them out a bit but try to avoid getting so long people question me on them, sometimes I think I'd like to get a manicuure/pedicure but I get nervous with the idea of going in and asking for that plus the idea that I may be spotted against scares me. being in the closet sucks. lol
Steph, I'm doing a couple of the same things. I'm letting my hair grow. Everyone has commented on it. Most are positive, saying I look better with long hair (this mostly from family - I had long hair before I enlisted and it was all shaved off). But a few people at work have asked if I'm trying to be a hippie or when I'm going to get it cut. It's been long for about seven months now and no one is asking any more questions about my hair.

I occasionally have clear nail polish on. That one is a bit touchy - my SO doesn't like it so I try not to indulge too much. And I've grown my nails out. One coworker commented that my nails were longer than hers. I looked at them and saw, yes they were. It was a bit awkward but otherwise there have been no other comments. (And she only noticed my nails because I was using them to peel stickers off of hard drives and she couldn't do it.)

Little steps. Little steps. Little steps. Eventually you will reach your destination. :)

[Rianna Humble]

I've grown my nails out. One coworker commented that my nails were longer than hers. I looked at them and saw, yes they were. It was a bit awkward but otherwise there have been no other comments. (And she only noticed my nails because I was using them to peel stickers off of hard drives and she couldn't do it.)

If you don't want to go into very much detail, you could reply something along the lines of "You're right! I hadn't noticed that your nails weren't as long as mine. I find the length really helps with jobs like this"

In my experience, a reply similar to that satisfies the curiosity of the person who made the comment and tends to stop them digging any further.

[Fractured]

:doh:That's a better reply than one I gave a coworker who asked me how long I was going to grow out my hair: "Until it reaches my a**!" :doh::brolleyes:

[Starling]

I outgrew my hair.

:) Lallie

[Traci Elizabeth]

I can not remember a single day that I WANTED to be male and therefore was willing to take on any BS that came with transitioning to outwardly being the woman I have always been.

Each of us have our own journey that we must travel. For some it is extremely difficult and results in all sorts of loss and pain. For others, transition itself is a very positive experience and runs as smooth as silk. Most fall somewhere on that continuum.

But the point is, few of us opt to return to manhood because it makes life easier or simpler. Most come to the realization that the journey no matter how long or how bumpy is well worth the trip.

[Kathryn Martin]

Coming out should not be a default event but a carefully planned step by step execution. Once it is out you can never take it back, and if only one person screws it up, then it's too late and you will forever be trying to fix it.

Coming out is for when all the pieces are in place and all the housecleaning is done as Frances says.

[Melody Moore]

Hi again Steph,

Thanks for your last reply because now I believe we have a better chance of actually getting somewhere.

I am not going to talk about pedicures or manicures, I want to talk about this paranoia that you have revealed here.

The way I look at it, you have buried yourself so deep in a huge crap pile that it is going to take a lot of work to get
to a point we can look at the real you. Right now is all I see before me is that massive pile of crap you are buried under.

Also I believe that we can get you better help and support, but first of all we need to know where you live, town & state.
I have a very large network of people that I can contact and find out if they would be helping to mentor someone like you.

If you like you can supply me your contact details in a PM and how you would like to be contacted and addressed. I also
understand if you want that person to address you by your male name. Also there could be others on this forum who live
near you and who are willing to help you. Didn't you say that you went to a support group before or something? If so how
did that go? Did you get anything from that experience? Did you manage to make any contacts there who could help with
mentoring you?

Sure things can go wrong with coming out and doing so is like taking your whole life and tossing everything into the air, all
your friends, family, relationships etc., and what is left standing after everything has landed and settled is what survives &
you move forward with. Do I think it was worth it? F*ck Yeah! I have many more friends than I could ever imagined now in
my life. Before I was nothing but this empty shell of a man, because I was cowering so deeply inside. Now that I broke free
of that cocoon I have emerged into the world as woman, a beautiful butterfly and life really is very different now for me in
the most positive of ways - for the first time in my life I feel completely liberated and at peace with who I really am finally.

167816

I suffered causalities with my family as I expect you would with yours given the fact they are so conservative & pig headed.
but I said "if they love me and want me to really be happy, then they will support me, if not, then I don't need them in my life".
Even my therapist agrees that the best way to find out who your real friends and family are is to transition. So anyone else with
an issue never really loved you.

Some people like to wade slowly and cautiously into transition, but I think it can be a bit like wading into icy cold water
which is usually pretty torturous, or what you can do is just have a good look and check for any submerged objects &
just dive right on in which is what I personally did because that is where I really wanted to be anyway. I knew there was
going to be that shocked reaction with me and everyone else that I did this, but one thing was evident to everyone else
watching me in that this was something I obviously really wanted. I have had nothing but the utmost respect from about
98% of my best friends. Some are still coming to terms with it. To my shock and surprise my own father has become the
most supportive member of my family and I think he is getting very close to the stage of accepting me as his daughter.

I also had the added problem of having kids who were adults when I decided to transition and only ever knew me as their
father, so it has been very hard on them as well. They have gone through a whole range of emotions over it. Initially they
were angry and totally rejected me. But over the past year I have been monitoring the dialogue between them and their
friends on Facebook, and now they are starting to see things a lot differently because it has been their friends who have
been pointing things out to them. A statement I read "So what if your Dad is a transsexual, they cannot help who they are".
The reply from my daughter to that comment was what I would describe as "stunned" and she really had nothing else she
could say. I think they are starting to realise they haven't been dealing with this in the best way they could have.

To my amazement, my own son has tried to call me here two days ago. He didn't leave a message, but I tried to call him
back. It rang out and went to his recorded message which is how I know it is my son. However he did not have my new
phone number before the last time we spoke so he has gone out of his way to get it from my new business website to get
in contact with me. Even though we haven't spoke yet, it proves how my kids are still thinking about me & there is some
hope there that they are slowly coming to terms with everything. My son tried a couple of times to call me when I missed
the calls so I believe now he is almost ready to talk to me. Doing this to people I cared about was so hard, I felt so selfish
but I had no choice and had to do it, if not I still believe that I would have been dead within 5 years. But now I am this happy
person with lots of real love in my heart to give to those I care about, but I had to give them the time and the space after
I came out so they could process it all and that certainly seems to be how things work best. I didn't push this in their faces
really even though I did throw everything all in the air, I told them and then just left them be to deal with it - they are old
enough to think for themselves and start to be mature about things. I sometimes wonder why some of the more conservative
old folk cannot be so mature, but hey that is life.
I still think you need to get out of your parents home and start living your life for yourself instead of other people Steph. :hugs: Xx

[Badtranny]

I never planned to come out at work, but that's exactly what I find myself doing. I'm in construction so I just assumed that everyone would reject and/or ridicule me. It didn't happen. I've come out as trans to dozens of people and they're ALL supportive. I would have never guessed that people would be so wonderful, but they are.

The fear is so much more than the reality.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

See Steph, what a wonderful and beautiful site this can be with people like who are here helping you. I think there is so much care and understanding here, wouldn't it be wonderful if it could spill out into the world today. I am a little teary eyed at moment coz so much love has been expressed here to help you. This is what makes this site so special.

[Melody Moore]

I never planned to come out at work, but that's exactly what I find myself doing. I'm in construction so I just assumed that everyone would reject and/or ridicule me. It didn't happen. I've come out as trans to dozens of people and they're ALL supportive. I would have never guessed that people would be so wonderful, but they are.

The fear is so much more than the reality.

Let me start with the last part of Melissa's statement here and let's talk about fear for a minute.

The fear is real and it is justified, however as Melissa said it is much more than the reality. Fear is
something that we create for ourselves - fear comes from a lack of understanding or knowledge of
what it is that we are scared of. Other people who fear people like us, don't really know anyone like
us, and we only fear transition because we don't know what being in transition is really like. But as
Melissa said, her transition has exceeded her expectations as they also did with my own belief of what
the final outcome might be. The feedback and response that I get from those people who do know I
am transitioning has been overwhelming supportive and positive and that is largely due to the fact that
I won't tolerate negative people anymore in my life. They want to be rude about it then they can talk
to the hand as I turn my back on them and walk away, it really is that simple. My friends all believe I
am a good person, very open, honest and down-to-earth. Some of my friends think I am very courageous
but I don't look at it like that. Sure I had my fears to overcome which did take a lot of courage, but I was
also motivated by the need to be true and honest with myself. I just simply could not go on living a life
that was nothing but one huge big lie and I think you know your life is exactly that right now - a huge lie.

I would also like to talk about my pre-conceived notions about how certain people would react and I had
an incident involving some 'tradies' who work in the construction industry, but things didn't end up how I
thought they might have, or how the person who tried to set me up would have hoped....

I came out to my housemate about being transsexual at first to a guy called Tony after he admitted to me
one night when he was drinking he was bisexual. So I thought that might make it easier for me to come out,
however it proved to be not how I expected it to be. When I told him I was going to start living fulltime as
a female, he literally had steam coming out of his nose and his ears as he exploded at me, telling me that I was
never going to dress as a woman while I lived there. He made threats of throwing me and all my belongings
out in the street and when he said that, I just laughed at him and flipped him the bird. I told him if he had
any issues then we could go down stairs and sort it out like 'real men' PMSL :heehee: Anyway, he backpeddled
real fast when I called him out like that because he knows I would have killed him if it came down to that.
I showed no fear whatsoever towards him, I refused to let him intimidate me, but that didn't stop him trying.

He took things to a whole new level and I had some feedback from the other housemate who lived with us
about what he was running around and saying to his friends and work mates. He made statements to other
people like "If you seen this thing in a dress, you would want to punch it out". And one night he tried to set
me up to get me bashed up by his workmates and the whole incident turned around to bite him squarely on
the arse. On the night this happened, it was a Friday night and I was going out to MC a drag show for some
friends of mine who were drag queens. Tony was out drinking after work with his work mates and then he called
me up about 7.30-7.45pm and asked me what time I was headed out. I told him about 9.30pm and he said 'Good',
because he was bringing his friends over and it wasn't going to be good if they seen me and they would bash me.

I see now how he did this to try and put fear into me leading up to the next stage of his plan. He came home
much earlier than he said he would with his work mates between 8.30pm-8.45pm. And a male friend who was
waiting for me at the time to get ready came in and told me they were here and that two guys were going to
come upstairs and have a go at me but they changed their minds. So my friend was warning me. I told him
everything was going to be OK and that I would deal with it when I was ready to leave. So I finished getting
dressed, then by the time I walked out on the back balcony, my house-mate and his workmates were all just
sitting there. I just said "Hi" and waved at them with a smile on my face. The look on the faces of these guys
was priceless, every single one of them was totally in shock and their jaws literally hit the floor as they all
virtually said "Wow!" Tony then reacted by trying to be abusive towards me, he said "F*ck off, get out of here
you queer c*nt". And to my shock and amazement, the biggest guy sitting there turned around said this to Tony..
"Tony, sit the f*ck down and shut the f*ck up! before I make you". This guy went on to say "Wow, I never met
anyone like you before ever in my life and I am really amazed. You obviously are a very courageous person to be
who you are and I totally respect that." The other guys (all except Tony of course) agreed with what he said.
The he went on to say that he expected to see a bloke in a dress, but what he seen was a woman. The others
also agreed with him about this. I believe they only had this preconceived notion about me because of what Tony
had been telling them at work. Since then Tony's secret about being a homophobic hypocrite as a closet bisexual
is now right out in the open and people really know the truth now why he was as bad as he was. Everyone else now
thinks I am a good person with no issues, whereas they see him with all the issues. Tony didn't want me to be there
because it put him in a situation where he had to confront his own fears about who he really was.

So Karma is a bitch to people like this - but be true to yourself and your life should become blessed with lots of
friends and many new wonderful experiences.

167822

167821

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/376287_240126232707637_100001307869149_626549_1367 329_n.jpg

[Fractured]

Melody, thanks for sharing that story.

[Badtranny]

Jumping off what Melody said about the tough guys, I was pleasantly surprised by the reaction of the alpha male types who I work with. Most of them have not only been totally supportive, even protective, they've all made comments about how brave I was.

"It takes a lot of guts to do what you're doing man" is a verbatim comment from a bonafide tough guy.

Courage comes dressed in many colors but cowardice is always yellow. I'm ashamed that I was such a coward for so long.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it takes time to build up all that courage...it isn't shame you should feel,,, it should be pride...and part of your pride should center around how you took your time, thought it through, and only went forward when you felt you had a chance at success..

good for you!!

[Melody Moore]

...about the tough guys, I was pleasantly surprised by the reaction of the alpha male types who I work with. Most of them have not only been totally supportive, even protective, they've all made comments about how brave I was.

My best trans friend who is about to have her SRS in the new year, is a motorcycle mechanic
and she custom builds Harley Davidson Motorcycles and it is the same story for her where she
works. Her boss will defend her if anyone ever tries to put crap on her because she is one of the
best in the business. Now she goes to all the bike shows & gets looked after by all the guys. So
she is one trans woman noone wants to ever mess with.

[Kelsy]

Hi Steph,

I hate being trans but I am what I am and no one asked me what I wanted! I denied it for years. But be careful. There are many who have successfully crossed the great divide and have made it look easy, It is not! Be sure you are well financed before jumping off and know full well what you could possibly lose!
Don't try transitioning alone!

There is in a sense a deconstruction of your male persona, a dismantling of your male condition that has to take place as the real you emerges.
Your whole world has to adjust( or not) to the new and changing you. If you pass well, if you're young and the God's have been kind it will make life easier if not the the struggle becomes more intense and if you are not made of money then the struggle becomes wretchedly difficult from within and without. If you have an outgoing and resilient personality and if you are brave and can weather ridicule you'll make it. If you are timid and worry about what others think than it will be difficult to find the elusive peace, normalcy, and satifaction we all seek. Brutal honesty examining your options is a must. This is no fantasy but it can become the "dream come true"

All the best!