SO found my panties

[gennee]

My spouse asked about my panties when I came home from class this evening. She found a pair when she was fold ing up the wash. I did not tell her that I am a CD. I gave her some excuse and she took three pair of the panties and kept them. I am wondering if I should fess up. I wanted to in the future but I am not sure it is the right time. While I am typing this message, I don't feel nervous or ashamed. What do you think?

Gennee:rose2:

[Stephanie Kay]

Now is as good a time as any, Gennee. I'm sure she is suspicious anyway and holding back now will just destroy her trust in you and maybe her love, too. Take a deep breath now!!

[Jennifercd_NJ]

I agree, at first my wife was upset but she loves the added wardrobe items I buy

[CharleneCD]

Seriously consider telling her. The most likely thing she is considering now is that you are having an affair. Her thinking you are having an affair will destroy your relationship.

[freshfrankie]

In my way of thinking there is no good time to tell a partner. It's a tough thing to assimilate for a spouse at any time. It's difficult enough for us to understand. The truth will set you free but with consequences. But living in the closet will ultimatey destroy you. I just came out after 55 years and my wife is less than pleased,but I could not live my life one more day protecting people from me at my own expense. We are not evil people,just differant. I'm happier than I've ever been. Hugs

Love
Jeannie

PS Let the chips fall where they may.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

As others have mentioned, she's probably thinking "affair," so you're better off telling her.

The downside is that you haven't had a chance to prepare yourself, which is important, but between Karren and Britney's recent experiences you should be able to find a lot of info quickly.

BTW, if you do tell, be sure to apologize for not being honest with her when she asked about it -- but you can let her know you needed time to center yourself before having such an important conversation with her.

Good luck to the both of you! :hugs:

[Andrea's Lynne]

I, too, think you should be honest with her. I wasn't honest with my wife when we were dating.....but perhaps I didn't understand that CDing was a part of me. Now that it is in the open, I feel a sense of relief. It has not been all roses, but it has been honest. And she has been amazing!

Lynne

[Karren H]

From personal experience, i dont think there is a right time! But you know your wife better than anyone so you should have some idea of how she will react! I was way off on my wifes ultimate reaction, pleasantly! But there will still be the same types of initial reactions. I have found out that the mistrust seems to be the one of he worst as far as we have hidden and lied about something for so very long! And rebuilding that trust is going to take some time. But if you tell her that you love her, over and over, you shold both be able to weather the rough times ahead! Hope for the best, plan for the worst! Good luck, Gennee!

Love Karren

[Holly]

Gennee, I am in agreement with the others... tell her, and the sooner, the better. There will never be a "right" time, as that really should have already happened early on in your relationship. But now is not the time to look back with concern about what we didn't do but to plan for the future and invest some truthfulness and trust into your marriage. Get your materials together just as fast as you can and take care of this. Allowing it to go on will only make it harder on both of you. Best wishes!

[Sharon]

I gave her some excuse and she took three pair of the panties and kept them,

What excuse? What excuse could you possibly give your wife for her finding three pairs of strange panties (not to mention her keeping them!) and not have her be suspicious of something? If anything, she now thinks you're fooling around, but I don't understand why she would keep them, rather than throw them out with the trash.
I'm a firm believer in being open with SO's, so, if this story is legit, then you should tell her the truth and not have her believe something worse.

[RachelDenise]

You have to tell since she is probably thinking all sorts of things that are even worse than the truth. Don't delay, be honest, upfront and ready to hear her out. It's not about you at this time. She needs you to help her get through this.

[Wendy me]

ok tell her i keept my little "hobby" away from my wife for a long tome over 20 years we are working on it now but if i had told he a long time ago things might be a lot better now ....the longer you waite the harder is is to tell her and have a real good out come.....

[Jenny Beth]

I agree with everyone here, fess up. The longer you keep this from her the harder it will be on both of you. You are at the point that it's not so much about the panties, it's about the lies.

[Honey GG]

As a wife, I say tell her- SOON! Get some information together for her and be prepared for her to be upset, because you outright lied to her. You know alot more of us could be more accepting of our crossdressing husbands if all the lies were not piling up on top of it.
I am wondering why you would put panties in the family wash, you know she would find them, so perhaps you are really wanting to tell her.

If you can't find the words, then write her a letter and explain it all. There are plenty of SO groups where she can talk to other wives and get a handle on this.
Right now your wife is probably very confused as to where these panties came from and wondering who the other woman is that was wearing them...perhaps she already knows they are yours?

I am sure your afraid of how your wife will react to all of this, but hopefully with alot of love, LOtS of communication you will both come out the other side better than ever.

Good Luck and a big HUG for you both.

Honey

[Barbara Beaulieu]

The way I tried to come out to my girlfriend was with the help of variation mag. It had a bunch of stories about wives and girlfriends dressing their men up as women. It brought up the subject and I got my answer, so here I sit still in the closet. And to say the least or relationship is failing. Test the waters,

[Julie York]

My spouse asked about my panties when I came home from class this evening. She found a pair when she was fold ing up the wash. I gave her some excuse and she took three pair of the panties and kept them. Gennee:rose2:

What I want to know is what "some excuse" did you give? I'd love to know so I can use it.

Also, she found one pair and "took three pair". Were these some others she discovered or were they multiplying in the wash?

[MadisonLee]

yes its good to be honest to your SO, but I dont understand the part tell them, personally it dont hurt no one it just clothing. Now if you were wearing there cloths I can see why they would get mad. But buy your own cloths and wearing them its not really there business. Dressing makes us feel good, it dont hurt no one so IMHO if you havent gotten caught dont tell. But if your foolish enough to get caught well then you should have told them. Basically what I am saying either you tell them upfront or dont. And if you dont, dont leave things lying around for them to find unless you want them to find out. my wife knows so it dont matter to me. I told her when we first started dating. Only question I got was do you plan on having a sex change I said no. Thats it. SHe just shrugged it off as dont bother me none. Now she loves to do my makeup , so if she asks to do it I dont argue lol. Like my friend said to me, if it dont hurt no one then why stop. Her husban is a cd. So I listen to her advice also. We dont ask our SO before when we first meet them, so do you have any serects. Its a secret for a reason. They dont have to tell us either. I dont ask my wife about her pass its not really my business to be honest. She tells me things with out my asking. Most of my friends know I crossdress dont bother them either. They just say if you enjoy and like it why stop. Even if my wife didnt approve I still wouldnt stop, just say fine then you know where the door is. People dont love people in cloths they love the person inside. So this is why I am saying who cares what people wear or dont wear. It is no one else's business except our own unless we want to tell people then we are letting them into our private lives.

[HaleyPink2000]

If it's a Girl friend She has nothing to loose telling everyone else in this world.
If it's a Wife they usually won't tell anyone else.

If it's a wife then you need to be honest on every thing in your life to Her. No secrets.

Haley:)

[gennee]

I appreciate everybody's response and your suggestions. I will break it to my wife. I will tell every one when I do. I am not afraid, but how to bring the subject up. Thanks.

Gennee:rose2:

[Dixie Darling]

Gennee,

Finding ONE pair of someone else's panties might give her reason to believe that you're having an affair. But with her finding THREE pairs you can bet that she's real suspicious as to what's going on. Now is as good a time as ever to tell her. There's a lot of good information in the previous posts and the archives here on the forum. You might also wnat to consider having a look on my website to see if the information there might be of benefit to you as WELL as to her.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Olivia]

I say tell her as soon as possible. Keeping a secret like ours can only harm your relationship eventually. She can love you and still know you're a crossdresser. You have harmed no one by your dressing but living a secret life will harm your marriage. That will be worse than admitting what you are. Wishing you the best, Olivia.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

If you look in some of the older threads, there's a number on how to broach the topic. For example, Britney1 was discovered by her SO a few weeks ago, and there were lots of resources mentioned there.

A key thing is to present it as positively as possible, i.e. you love her some much that you want to share a side of yourself that you've never told anyone else about. But be prepared that she'll be angry at you for not telling her earlier -- withholding secrets is an extremely serious thing for most SOs. (Usually they feel crushed that you didn't trust them enough to tell them and it can be difficult for them to understand that often it was because we were in denial ourselves.) Given your situation, somewhere in that conversation, you need to tackle the panty issue head on -- i.e. be explicit that they're your's.

Pick a time when both of will have plenty of time to deal with it and do it at home -- not at a public place. It's helpful to have information ready for her, but let her decide whether she wants to read any of it. Be prepared to let her set the pace short-term -- you may need to agree to limits that are less than you're willing to accept long-term and if you do, make clear your giving her some breathing room, but you'll both need to discuss the issue again later. And be sure you don't make any promises you know you won't be able to keep.

Anyway, good luck! One thing in your favor is that if she's worried that you're having an affair, CDing may be comparatively less threatening.

Darla