What would your SO have to say/do for you to be able to open up about CD'ing

[Just Elizabeth]

I was just wondering what it would take from your SO for you to be able to open up with him/her about your CD'ing. I know each of us has a different story, a different life, a different world that we live in, and it can be tough to communicate our thoughts, feelings and fears. So, in your ideal world, what would it take for you to be open and honest with your SO??

Just Elizabeth

[Jonianne]

I think this is a very important discussion.

I'm going to go off in a little different tangent, but, in both my marriages, my SO's knew before we married, however in my first we never discussed boundries and after going further than she was comfortable, back into the closet I went.

Years later, after a lot of therapy, what I needed from her was just for her to be OK with me, knowing I was a cd'er. She did not have to see it, participate or in any way to take part in it. She didn't have to accept the cd'ing at all. All I wanted was for her to tell me she was OK with me, just knowing I was a crossdresser.

Even though I know your question was geared to those who have not told their spouses, I think our desire is one and the same:

We want to know that we are going to be secure in their love and acceptance.

We want to know that they would be willing to work it out with us, even if that meant that they would not be seeing or participating.

Acceptance is a two way street as well. We would have to let them know we would be OK with them, with whatever level of acceptance or non-acceptance of the cd'ing as well.

Hopefully this discussion can get going.

[Eryn]

With me, the roadblock wasn't my SO, it was my own anxieties and lack of self-understanding. Mimi did exactly the right thing by being patient and helping me to learn and understand myself. In the process I learned to communicate better.

[AnitaH]

Again, I know its not the theme of the thread here. My SO knew before we got married also but it was to stop. You all know that doesn't happen. When she found my stash she insisted I go to therapy. After several years I now know it's not going away and I also knew I needed to tell her. I agree with Jonianne, we want to know that that we are going to be secure in their love and acceptance. It is perhaps the greatest fear that keeps us from being more open about our CD the fear that love and acceptance will not be granted. That it will be too much for them too handle. I suspect that if we were sure that our SO would still love and accept us, even if they didn't want to participate, that most of us would come out to our SO's.

AnitaH

[Jenniferathome]

"She" doesn't have to do anything. If you are waiting for your SO to reach out about your cross dressing, you'll wait forever. Just tell her.

[Sometimes Steffi]

It's OK. I understand. Can we talk about it?

[Just Elizabeth]

Even though I know your question was geared to those who have not told their spouses, I think our desire is one and the same:

We want to know that we are going to be secure in their love and acceptance.

We want to know that they would be willing to work it out with us, even if that meant that they would not be seeing or participating.

Acceptance is a two way street as well. We would have to let them know we would be OK with them, with whatever level of acceptance or non-acceptance of the cd'ing as well.



Hi Jonianne,

Actually, I was not just thinking of when originally telling one's SO. I was thinking about after that first telling.. and keeping them up to date with the changes going on and what you're thinking as you evolve. Yes, the first telling may be the hardest... But after that, to keep your SO informed. They have anxieties, and would like to be kept in the loop. And that will make it easier to work together.

And I really appreciate you seeing it as a two-way street. Acceptance has to come from both sides.. and each has to respect the capacity of the other.

Thanks!!

Just Elizabeth.

[DanaR]

Hi Jonianne,

Actually, I was not just thinking of when originally telling one's SO. I was thinking about after that first telling.. and keeping them up to date with the changes going on and what you're thinking as you evolve. Yes, the first telling may be the hardest... But after that, to keep your SO informed. They have anxieties, and would like to be kept in the loop. And that will make it easier to work together.

And I really appreciate you seeing it as a two-way street. Acceptance has to come from both sides.. and each has to respect the capacity of the other.

Thanks!!

Just Elizabeth.

I think that this would be a great approach, it has to be a two-way street. When you get to this level, there can be mutually agreed on guidelines or limits. Not those imposed by one side; which would be controlling. If you are honest with yourself, you can be honest with others.

[ReineD]

I would give him a book that points out the benefits of emotional honesty as a path to personal freedom. Many people, especially CDers, learn in early childhood that it's not safe to let others know who they are.

He can learn how to free his soul and experience meaningful connection to others by relating his truth, instead of disassociating from others by attempting to control them through non-disclosure.

When I find the book that changed my own life many years ago, I'll post the link.

[DanaR]

"If they find out who I am, they will stop loving me"



This is a real fear that we all have. Sadly, you have to be careful who you let into your world.

[Dixie]

Back when my ex-wife and I were dating she asked me to wear her panties and bra one night while we were being intimate. It was a great time. It was her that told me it's called crossdressing lol I had never heard the term even though I had been doing it for awhile. She is the one who gave me the name Dixie :)

[Imeni]

"I love you for you. For all your wierdness and aspects of you that others find strange, because your a wonderful human being and the love of my life." =3

[Jessica86]

It's the fear of going through what you put yourself through. I went through stages of thinking I was just going to turn gay (when I was about 15) to when I finally understood things when I joined here. It took years of explaining to myself. Then, most, including me, try to explain to their SO, and expect them to understand in just days. When you think about it, it is a scary thing. I didn't want to put my wife through what I went through....basically. Kind of hard to explain, but I opened up to her, and I don't regret it.

[kimdl93]

If I was a GG trying to get my Cding partner to talk, I'd start by diffusing the fear and apprehension. Things like:

"I love you and support you no matter what"
"nothing you tell me will change my opinion of you"
"we're human, and each of us is different"
"its the differences that make us intersting"
"I think you'd look great in this dress"

[rebekkadg]

I came out to my wife at the same time I decided I was going to really "get serious" about my crossdressing. I couldn't bring myself to just talk to her straight out (how do you even start that conversation in a natural/comfortable way?) so I wrote her a letter. Explained to her that I have always been more feminine than masculane and wasn't fooling anyone about that fact, and that I felt more confident dressing up and being a female than I did simply being a male. I told her I was going to get more involved with cross dressing. Spent some time dispelling some myths about crossdressers and saying that we could talk about it when she was ready.

She got back to me quickly about it. She told me that if I was trying to fool anyone about my being very feminine then i wasn't doing a very good job at it (she said this smiling and laughing in a very amused way) She says she knew I wore some of her stuff from time to time and I didn't clean up behind myself as well as I thought I did. And that she supports me in everything. I got dressed up in front of her and overwealmed her and she said she didn't want me to do it around her but did want me to do it. I found out later that it wasn't so much the idea of me being dressed as a girl that upset her, it was the idea that I was a girl who looked sexier in her outfits than she did so it was more about her own self confidence and not about her being repulsed by what I was doing.
She has gotten better in the last few weeks and has helped me a lot with my makeup. We have gone shopping together for girl stuff with both her and me in mind and she has helped me pick out some clothes and even suggested some she thought would look good on me. She has insisted on me wearing some of her jewlery to help me fem up. And has suggested we both go wax our eyebrows.
Before telling her I was terrified about what her reaction would be. When she took it hard when she saw me dressed up the first time I was devestated. But in a very short period of time she has come around to completely embrassing this as part of me.
On a side note my sex drive has gone up tremendously since coming out to my wife and knowing I don't have to dread her finding me out. And my wife is particularly happy about that fact.

[DeSkirt]

I was just wondering what it would take from your SO for you to be able to open up with him/her about your CD'ing. I know each of us has a different story, a different life, a different world that we live in, and it can be tough to communicate our thoughts, feelings and fears. So, in your ideal world, what would it take for you to be open and honest with your SO??

This is my second marriage. I made sure to let my wife know about my desire to cross dress before things progressed to a serious state. I felt my cross dressing played a major role in the demise of my first marriage and I did not want that to happen again. She was very accepting and an active participant. I dressed in front of her several times and she bought me some great looking outfits. I again confirmed her acceptance and understanding of what this means to me before we got married. After a while a friend of hers her a rumor that I was a cross dresser and everything changed. That really hurt me because we had discussed that possibility before we got married and she said "That was not a problem, it is no ones business but our own" and "I should not be worried about that".
Because of that the only way I would be able to be open about my CDing with her would be if she would be able to convince me she had changed her mind and be able to explain why so I could trust her again.
It's a shame. I thought I was being honest and up front about my CDing so I would be able to be happy living out the rest of my life with the woman I love and be able to be who I am. I love my wife and I am not going to leave her, but I know I would not have married her had I known she would not accept this part of me.
I always wonder what my life would be like if I had married someone who accepted me for all that I am.

[NicoleScott]

The "just tell her" people usually fail to add that if you do, your marriage may end. And it's not always about the trust issue. Some wives simply cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband.

If it's a SO before getting really serious about tying the knot, yes, she should be told. The OP's question is: how? I kept it a secret for a time. Then the subject came up. I don't remember if it was a magazine article or a TV show, but the topic came up. As I gauged her reactions, I opened up slowly. First, by saying that I saw nothing wrong with it (she agreed). She asked if I ever did it (yes), and if I wanted to do it again (yes). She said "Then do it!!" That all worked out well, but if I perceived a negative reaction, I would have shut down the discussion. Others will disagree with me, but "just tell" doesn't always work, or work for everyone.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Speaking from experience about opening up about me being transgender. My SO at first was ok and then treated me like I was the devil. Then we talked more and everything was ok to a point as long as no one knows or suspects. Then it is you are embarrassing me by wearing the clear nail polish, shaving all your body hair off, what will they think of me because of you. Then we are ok for a while and it starts back up again. My SO has set all the boundaries without asking my input so she can feel better, not me. Even your best friend, confidant, soul mate who you trust with everything can turn on you when you open up fully with them. Would I trust them again if I had to do it over yes! Even though it could hurt like hell yes! Why because hiding the truth and lying about it is worse than just telling the truth. It will eat you alive causing severe health, mental, and physical problems.

Hugs

[ReineD]

Then we talked more and everything was ok to a point as long as no one knows or suspects. Then it is you are embarrassing me by wearing the clear nail polish, shaving all your body hair off, what will they think of me because of you. Then we are ok for a while and it starts back up again. My SO has set all the boundaries without asking my input so she can feel better, not me. Even your best friend, confidant, soul mate who you trust with everything can turn on you when you open up fully with them.

I just want to jump in here real quick and ask, are you prepared to be out to the world as a CDer? This is not saying you want to become a woman. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I'd say many CDers here (I think the average age is 45+) don't want their coworkers, families, etc to know. They are quite selective about who they tell, even if they do go out in public dressed. So in your case, are you ready to give out hints to all your friends, coworkers, her friends, family, etc? Just asking. She's OK with you dressing, she just doesn't want the world to know she is married to a CDer?

If you are ready to tell everyone, this is the larger issue that needs to be tackled with your wife (as opposed to just talking about the nail polish or the shaving), since coming out does involve a lifestyle change for her too. Like it or not, there are people who are biased against gender variance and your wife will have some doors closed to her as the result of your coming out. Do you live and work in a conservative or liberal environment? I don't think that men who shave, wear nail polish, or have other tell-tale signs can do so without many people knowing what's up, no matter how many threads we read here that say otherwise. :p