Went to a crisis center yesterday.

[Loretta]

I've been fairly confused as to what my real gender is.
I started with crossdressing when I was 12.
Even then, I had to dress from head to toe as a woman, to even feel normal.
I really don't like being a male that much.
It's gotten to the point where I've been severely depressed in times that I can't dress up, to the point of breaking down in tears at the littlest thing.
Anyway, the counselor told me that I didn't seem happy as a male.
She recommended me to a gender therapist, along with a regular therapist for the stress I've been going through in my day-to-day life, what with living in my Uncle's house with my own family, and the rising unemployment around here. I mean, seriously, I got turned down for a sign waver job at a local pizza place. Being turned down for something that trivial made me feel worthless, like I wasn't qualified to do anything. Back to my uncle, though. My family and him are constantly at each other's throats
The only shining beacon of hope is my aunt, who indulges my tendencies when nobody else is around. She just recently gave me a pair of gold earrings to go with the choker she recently gave me.

When I got to the crisis center, and started describing my problems, I was shaking and crying so badly that the nurse there gave me an ativan. They managed to calm me down, eventually.
It sucks living this way. I'm not able to express myself, my feminine side. As a result of the depression I've been going through, I've packed on about 30 pounds, which makes me even MORE depressed.
I hate it. I really do.
I just feel so alone.
Not suicidal, because I know that everything has a way of working out eventually, but that doesn't mean I'm happy, either.
I just don't know what to do.
I have to see the gender therapist in a month.
I really hope all goes well.
What should I do?

[Melissa Rose]

Loretta, I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. You are right in these problems eventually find a way to work themselves out. I'm very relieved you realize this and know giving up is not the path to take. It is painful right now and it will get better, but things just seems so slow to change sometimes.

You have already taken the first step of attending counseling. The other thing I would suggest, if you have not done it already, is to find and join a local transgender group that has an active social aspect to it. Meeting others like yourself and knowing they "get you" is so powerful and reassuring. Having others to talk to and bond with makes you feel less alone. Even if you make friends with only one person, the rough times are much easier to bear knowing there is someone else there for you. Having on-line support and friends is nice, but nothing replaces a real person.

I wish you luck and safe passage through this difficult journey you are taking (or being taken on).

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Loretta!

You are not alone and seeing a therapist is a step in the right direction.

Big Hug

[KellyJameson]

Hi Loretta. I'm not sure I have words that will help because when you are hurting it seems there is no escape and no hope. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed by life I try to ignore what I can do nothing about and focus on the areas I can improve to make my circumstances a little more bearable, but life is always a challenge regardless. You will become better at problem solving with practice and time. Crossdressing is important but also think about your health and financial circumstances.

I use exercise to lift my moods and find it reduces depression and it can be the simplest things like a walk or bike ride. I remind myself to notice the beauty around me and I give myself little pleasures like warm baths or give and receive a hand massage with a friend using a little olive oil. Keep inventing simple pleasures that are available to you. Happiness is largely about learning to use our imagination and being open to a variety of experiences.

The jobs picture is tough and in the begining rejection leaves you feeling humiliated and worthless, everyone experiences this that works for a living. In my work I have had to hire and fire hundreds of people and I tell you this as a fact, skills can be learned but attitude is much more difficult to teach and there are employers out there who need employees that will make their lives easier as employers for the simple fact that a large percentage of the working population wants the money but also wants to make the least amount of effort to aquire it so if you go into the world with the attitude that you will do the best job you are capable of than the money will come.

Rejection hurts only if you believe it defines your value as a human being, but to learn differently we must all go through this very difficult growth process to learn that we do have value, not to everyone, but there are those out there who will benefit from knowing you as an employee, friend, partner ect... Learn to love yourself by nurturing your mind and body and this will make you strong enough to fight lifes battles. Eventually it actually becomes fun believe it or not.

Do not put all your happiness in one basket but instead develop many little pleasures, reading, music,sports,ect.. whatever your tastes and most importantly try to avoid toxic people that suck the life out of you.

I hope I have not put to much on your shoulders but I promise you it does get better. Kelly

[andrea69j]

I wish I could be there to give you a real one. I can only imaging what you are going through, but I can tell you I care about you. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you find someone to talk with about it all. I think there is lots of advice from people here who have been though the same thing. I can only assure you that there are people out here who care.

[erickka]

Take a few deep breaths, get a hold of yourself, and continue to hold your head high. Go through with the therapy and eventually you'll come out of everything just fine. I certainly will be keeping you in my prayers.


Lotsa hugs, Erickka

[Brenda79135]

There have been several times in my life that depression has gotten a hold on me. This is really apparent around the holiday season. To combat this, I learn something new. Recently I have learned to crouchet and knit. Both of these hobbies take a great amount of concentration to complete. I find while croucheting I don't have time to think about the depression. The nice thing about a constructive hobby is that you have a finished product when completed. Some of the other things I do is leather work. There is nothing like putting together your own purse. I have been thinking of selling the things I make at a flea martet. I have gone just to see if there is a niche for it. Yes there is. everything from stuffed animals to the purses that I make.

I know you are going through a rough time right now, but things will get better. The confusion in the job market is just that right now. People all over the country are having a difficult time. It is the go-getters that will make the most of their situation and come out stronger on the other side. Just don't give in to the depression and loose the hope of a better tomorrow.

[kimdl93]

Loretta, in addition to the great advice you've already received, I'd suggest volunteering your time with an organization that you support. Its a good way to keep active, interact with people, and do something that's meaningful - all of which helps keep depression at bay. Plus you may find an opportunity for employment, or at least have something to add to your resume.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Loretta,
I am really sorry to hear about your problems. I know they must seem overwhelming, and I know from experience that being told that things will get better is very little comfort, even if you know it is true. Many of the suggestions in this thread for very good, including finding a group of others like yourself, which, of course, does not have to be crossdressers: all of us have many facets to our life. The counseling is good, and I really like the advice that Kelly gave.

Let me tell you about one coping mechanism that I have used during times of great stress. I find something to do where I can see concrete results immediately. It doesn't have to be anything important, or related to anything else at all. One of the most trivial, but satisfying examples of this in my life was while I was under great stress while working on my PhD thesis. There were family problems, money problems, and it wasn't clear that I would ever finish the damn thing. There was a hedge in front of our duplex, and for some reason, I found great comfort in just trimming that hedge. I would get out there and work on nice sharp corners, little towers at each corner, even an arch over the sidewalk. It was silly, but it was great to get out there away from everything else. Each snip of the shears felt wonderful, and I could immediately see the branches and leaves falling off the hedge.

In later years, I would sometimes just drop everything and concentrate of a small home repair. It had to be something that I could accomplish quickly, that could keep me busy but that I could literally see the results as I was doing it. I don't know if this strategy would help you, but finding something with an immediate payoff that I could obsess over was good for me. It might even be something that could lower the strife around the house with your uncle. I liked the lawn care, but it could be something as simple and always loading the dishwasher, or periodically preparing a meal for everyone. The important thing for me was not so much what the particular activity was (I don't think I actually cared that much about that hedge) but that I got immediate results from it.

I hope this helps,
Liz