Why do people feel an obligation to telling a potential date/relationship?

[Katesback]

So I was pondering the other day how I have had this debate with people with both dating perspectives (meaning some felt it was an obligation to tell someone and the other said no its not an obligation).

So I will pose the question to you but you must assume this discussion is about someone who is POST-OP.

What is your stance on disclosure? Can you explain WHY you feel the way you do?

As a reminder this is refering to post op women and dating.

Katie

[Sally24]

I think this is right in the same category as Stealth or openly TS. I can see arguments for either side. I think it's a personal choice. GG's also must choose just how much they tell dates or SO's about their past. I think it also depends on how likely they are to discover your past. If you transitioned young and have spent most of your life as a woman I don't see a problem. If you're older and have ex-wives, children, and other legal obligations that are likely to come up then I think it's wise to be up front about things.

[Katesback]

lol Sally. I am not sure the word WISE is synonomyous with TS.




I think this is right in the same category as Stealth or openly TS. I can see arguments for either side. I think it's a personal choice. GG's also must choose just how much they tell dates or SO's about their past. I think it also depends on how likely they are to discover your past. If you transitioned young and have spent most of your life as a woman I don't see a problem. If you're older and have ex-wives, children, and other legal obligations that are likely to come up then I think it's wise to be up front about things.

[Zenith]

I sure haven't figured this out yet. Tell them too early and they have nothing emotionally invested...they leave. Tell them too late and your safety is at risk. Don't tell them at all and they will feel decieved when they find out. My personal view is to tell before intercourse or any significant commitment...

[Toni Citara]

Hard to say "why" some people do, and some people don't. I'm certain you'll get as many responses as there are couples out there. I think a lot of the intimacy issues people share in a relationship revolve around 1) personal/family history; 2) financial history; 3) religious/political history; 4) and a bunch of other mumbo-jumbo. Only after two people are really truly "one" will each share with the other their preferences in the bedroom, and even then it is something that one of the two people, or perhaps both, are so fearful their partner will reject. If you tell somebody you crave a certain food, it is acceptable; if you tell them you crave a certain sexual act, it my freak them out. I think the reason to say something is to avoid rejection; and at the same time to avoid telling is to avoid rejection. So to answer your question, I don't know.

[Bree-asaurus]

Why not tell them?

If they are the kind of person that would freak out, that's not the kind of person I could be with or respect. How could I be with someone knowing that they think who I really am is disgusting?

[Katesback]

Some of the arguments for not telling someone is that the being honest is relative. As they have discribed to me they suggest that if your are the woman you claim to be then you have no obligation to disclouse anything that might possibly put you into a different catagory. Continueing on they have suggested that denying anything that might come up is possible. With the denial following the concept of what is relative.

Who knows.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Each person has their own different situation, their own level of comfort around themselves and their own meaning of the word honest (truth is relative)..

for me, i have kids, parents, family etc... unless you are totally and completely out there on your own, if you want to have a meaningful bond, your past is included...its really that simple for me..

[Kathryn Martin]

You are a woman with a cleft palate. It is a major defect and after 25 years and several operations you achieve a normal face and mouth. Would you disclose to a man who shows interest in you, before he kisses you that you were born with this defect?

One could argue it is not the same. I think that I would want to get a feel for the person, in the end I would probably tell them, but really why would I tell anyone who I was not sure would be close to me. If an real commitment is offered maybe that is the time.

My immediate visceral reaction is why would you, but I would not want to commit without that person knowing.

[Katesback]

I can say one thing. I once worked with a devout Christian man. He was one of the nicest people I ever met......... But one day told me his story. He did 20 years 2nd degree murder.

Regardless of his repentence I never looked at him the same and I did not talk to him as much either. I sincerely wish he had not told me his story!

[Kathryn Martin]

I can say one thing. I once worked with a devout Christian man. He was one of the nicest people I ever met......... But one day told me his story. He did 20 years 2nd degree murder.

Regardless of his repentence I never looked at him the same and I did not talk to him as much either. I sincerely wish he had not told me his story!

There is this strange desire not to be seen as someone who "did not tell the truth" and thereby deceived. But not everything that is called a deceit is a deceit.

I have lost friends and some family members who felt deceived when I came out. How could I not ever communicate myself, I led them down the garden path. Well, I knew that I could not communicate myself to one person who I was very close to and adored and loved as a child. After I came out this person said to someone else I am close to that he is disgusted at the thought of me as a woman. It was my father who said that.

Last year I wrote a blog post where I said this: "In beginning a process of coming out I realized that I didn't use my male aspect to mask anything. I was feminine. The mask was not of my making so much but built from assumptions of those that perceived me. It was a mask that wasn't there. In the act of perceiving me others stereotyped me. They did so despite what they obviously perceived. "

Just think what the person interested in you perceives when they are with you. If you destroy the stereotype by telling them, then their new stereotype will destroy their perception of you. And what they see is not the truth.

[MJ]

to be honest i'm post op can't pass for crap.. i'm not fooling anyone so they know

[Katesback]

Your presentation is not a factor in this discussion. I realize it does mean something but even if you dont present that well you still have to decide if you disclose your trans status and that was the question.

[MJ]

YES it does big time.. what your saying is if you can pass without question then when do you tell. should you tell... many of us end up dead for non discloser.. i'm being honest here they know from day one this is what you get

[Katesback]

No my question askes why some people believe one must tell of thier status. If does not have any aspect as to your presentation.

If you feel your not kidding anyone then such is life but then the same question applies. Do you feel compelled to voluntarily disclose this information?

Katie


PS for the most part we as a whole have telltale signs but that does not mean we are obligated to admit to our status. Being Post op that is.

[Zenith]

MJ is correct. To have the option of telling when you are ready, you have to present fairly well. I do wish I could say something to make you feel better MJ. I think you are a really nice person and I enjoyed spending time with you. A little envious of Sarah and you going to the Falls... :hugs:

[Amber99]

I sure haven't figured this out yet. Tell them too early and they have nothing emotionally invested...they leave. Tell them too late and your safety is at risk. Don't tell them at all and they will feel decieved when they find out. My personal view is to tell before intercourse or any significant commitment...

Yeah I have thought about it this way too. If you tell too early is distracts from you as a person. They will think of you as first a transexual rather than who you are.

[Sara Jessica]

Taking the original question at face value is one thing but to do so while excluding some important variables doesn't do a lot to get at the heart of the matter.

The elements I'm talking about have been discussed above, the concept of stealth along with the concept of passing privilege.

Please indulge me as I fast-forward into a possible future where I am fully transitioned and post-op. I will paint myself with such a brush to say that there are elements in my presentation that might scream male (ok, they do in in fact scream male), things that surgery may or may not be able to soften or correct. Let's assume though that like MJ says above, I'm gonna get read no matter what. If that's the case, then why try to play the relationship game knowing you have this card so prominently on the table. Might it be better to play it face up?

Same holds true for stealth. To truly disappear into your role in society as any other woman, all signs of your past must be erased or left in the dust. If this is not your world, then think of the daily turmoil of being in a relationship with someone you love, someone who adores you, worrying that any day, any minute, a bomb could drop and shatter all that is wonderful about the relationship. Oh sure, we can say "if he loves you, it won't matter in the end" but fact remains, to many men, it would matter tremendously. That bomb could be anything from your past, whether related to career, your finances, family relationships, whatever. I'd think that would be a tremendous amount of daily stress or at the very least, a daily nagging fear that one could do without.

I think given a choice, any of us in this boat would rather be seen and thought of as nothing but a woman. But there are some of us whose best hope might be to be seen as a TG woman, treated well by society with all of the rights afforded to others including employment and housing. If this is one's world, then the relationship disclosure question becomes kind of moot.

[CharleneT]

I'm really not trying to wimp out on the answer here, but I think that you have to figure out the 'when' to tell pretty much based on the circumstances of each potential relationship. The answer for one may not work at all for another. If the relationship is headed to permanent or close, I believe you do need to have that conversation. My feeling about this is based in the idea that most of us cannot live a truly "deep stealth" life. Hence there is a chance any prospective lover is going to find out about our past. I would much rather do the "informing" and explaining vs have said lover find out somewhere else. Now my circumstances may be different than many others. I have lived in the same place for over 30 years, and have been socially active. It is a fairly small town ( 50,000 ), so I am well known. If I stay here, which is my plan, I cannot keep my past life secret.

[Frances]

The question sounds judgemental. Asking why someone does something makes it sound like not doing that thing is the norm. Simply asking: "Do you feel an obligation to..." might have been better. To answer your exact question, I don't know why some people feel an obligation to tell. I don't. Certainly not for fooling around with someone I may never see again.

I probably would tell someone I felt serious about, however, because I may be forced to make up stories to cover up certain elements of my life and I don't like to lie. I don't feel a duty to tell to protect a fragile male ego, but I would probably choose someone who was not homophobic or transphobic in the first place.

[Aprilrain]

Im just trying to figure out when I should tell my BF that I still have a penis:heehee:

[Michelle.M]

Im just trying to figure out when I should tell my BF that I still have a penis:heehee:

Just wait until winter, and after the first good snowfall drink a few cups of coffee and go outside and write your name in the snow. He'll get the hint.

[Aprilrain]

Just wait until winter, and after the first good snowfall drink a few cups of coffee and go outside and write your name in the snow. He'll get the hint.

like this? APRIL

boy there is a "male privilege" I will surely miss!