Guilt...

[juliecdfl]

I have had this overwhelming feeling to dress and I am feeling so guilty over it. My wife has once again become very disapproving of me wearing any type of feminine clothing. I was hoping to get all dressed up and sexy for Halloween but that was a no go. She has me thinking that I am wrong or there is something wrong with me for these desires. I use to try to wear at least panties on a daily basis but now I feel guilt for even wanting to wear them. I managed to get into some a few weeks ago but it pretty much has been months without wearing any stitch of feminine clothing. I am so afraid of her disapproval if she catches me.

I'll be honest, I have been considering divorce over this and other issues. She is not open to counseling as she feels I am the problem since my desires are "not normal". I have a young child and that is what keeps me hanging on. I am the product of a broken home and I don't want my kid to be in the same situation. I am not really posting this for advice, although I know many of you may comment. I just needed an outlet as I have no one to talk to regarding this. The one "friend" I had who knew I dressed had a falling out with my wife and I haven't talked to her in over a year. Thanks for the outlet.

Julie

[victoriamwilliams1]

This is a sticky situation which I myself is not out to my wife for the same reasons and I would not be received as Victoria. I am not an advocate of non abusive divorce especially when a child is involved unless the living condition become abusive thus my statement.

My sugestion is for you to go to groups in your area as many do have changing rooms and lockers or just go in guy mode. The group I visit has members attending in both modes. The first step in my honest opinion you should make for yourself. I do know that for me if I do not dress after a long period I get very agitated and I can let my emotions take control. And sometimes you need to reach back out to that friend for support however keep them away from the wife!

[DanaR]

.......................................... She is not open to counseling as she feels I am the problem since my desires are "not normal". I have a young child and that is what keeps me hanging on.

Julie

If your wife doesn't want to participate in counseling, go by yourself. At least whatever decision that you make, you'll have a chance to discuss it with someone.

[Clueless]

Julie, there is nothing "wrong" with CDing, as long as you are OK with it. That said, there are consequences for every action. Being in a marrige with a small child does change things quite a bit. You & your wife should keep your childs best interests above your own. You two should also work as a team, to provide the best enviroment for your kid. You both should be able to have hobbies, as long as they don't impact the other. Wearing panties is cheap & doesn't take any time away from other things. It sounds like you are able to keep your dressing under control & within set bounderies. If not, that's an issue. Keeping you from dressing up for Halloween seems very selfish. Wearing panties should not be a big deal, as other people shouldn't see them anyways. Why should she care if you underdress while at work or not at home? As long as your outer clothing are men's, what's the problem? Just keep your undies out of sight & wash them yourself. She is wrong about it being only your problem though. She is married to you, has a kid with you and you are unhappy enough to think about divorce. If she's upset at you only wearing panties, she needs to understand that's a very harmless form of CDing. Good luck.

[kimdl93]

All I can offer is the suggestion that you try to engage her. Let her know what this means to you...and perhaps before hand you should think seriously about what CDing is to you. Not to change your mind, but rather to get comfortable with yourself.

[prettytoes]

I highly suggest the book "My Husband Wears My Clothes". I bought it, and my wife and I both read it. It does a great job of explaining things.
These desires are not something you can just turn off. I have purged several times over the years, only to feel empty and depressed later. I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure many will agree...I am not "complete" if I am not able to express my femminine side in some way. Since my wife found out about my dressing I am able to wear panties 24/7, keep my toenails painted, sleep in nighties, etc. I sleep better at night, and have never been happier. Keep in mind that she was very disapproving at first. I do not go out dressed, I keep it at home. She now understands that this is part of who I am.

[Stacey Summer]

From what you have said I doubt that your wife will ever be accepting of your CDing. She is narrow minded and bigoted and I don't see that changing, even for the man she's supposed to love.

At this point I think your best bet might be to separate for a while before you think about divorce. It may make her sit up and take notice. If parents stay together for the children, despite loss of love, animosity or just one of them being unhappy, it has a far greater negative impact on their childrens psychology then parents simply separating. Children are more receptive to our emotions than we think. Staying together will also have a negative impact on your emotional and mental health, a fact that is already in evidence by your feelings of guilt.

Stacey.

[LeaP]

Julie, your post is a good illustration of the dynamics of (dis)approval and guilt. I'm curious about the "once again" aspect of your wife's latest phase, though. When things wax and wane like this, there's usually more in play than the controversy of the moment. Have you brought up marriage counseling, as opposed to counseling around the topic of CDing?

Lea

[sandra-leigh]

If your wife doesn't want to participate in counseling, go by yourself.

I agree. You cannot force anyone to change, and you cannot force anyone to want to change, but with counseling and work and time, you can change how you react to situations. Sometimes the situations improve as you learn to talk and think differently, and sometimes you just find that the situation is no longer as important or as aggravating as it used to be. And sometimes you learn how to establish boundaries without it turning in to a confrontation.

I will be honest: sometimes what you discover in time is that in some situations breaking up is better for everyone concerned than staying together is.

[Sallee]

I like what Victoria said find a therapist yourself and go visit. At least you will have some one to talk to and advise you. That is the 1st start. Let your wife know your going. Warning It won't cure cross dressing but it will help youdeal with it. I hope this doesn't lead to divorce but your happiness is important too.

[DonnaT]

One should not feel guilt over something they were born with, and it is my belief that we are born transgendered and have this urge to cross dress.

Now, my question is, if you weren't married, would you feel guilt for being a cross dresser?

[juliecdfl]

Julie, your post is a good illustration of the dynamics of (dis)approval and guilt. I'm curious about the "once again" aspect of your wife's latest phase, though. When things wax and wane like this, there's usually more in play than the controversy of the moment. Have you brought up marriage counseling, as opposed to counseling around the topic of CDing?

Lea

There are several different things in play. We recently moved to a new state, have the financial stress of the move, etc. Although I don't think this factors are why she goes back and forth. I honestly think it is because of her brother. She has a gay brother who likes to dress in drag. Although I have admitted to my wife I am bisexual, I am by no means gay and my dressing has nothing to do with my sexual preference. I am not sure if she does not believe me or if she doesn't want to think of her husband as being like her brother. It doesn't help that she came from a conservative religious family. Although they have all changed because of her brother I guess the values are still there.

The thing that just really throws me off is at some points she will joke about me dressing and has even gone shopping with me and give me clothes. It is so confusing.

[juliecdfl]

One should not feel guilt over something they were born with, and it is my belief that we are born transgendered and have this urge to cross dress.

Now, my question is, if you weren't married, would you feel guilt for being a cross dresser?

To answer your question I would feel no guilt at all if I wasn't married. This is who I am and I could see myself being completely dressed quite often. I just feel and know that my wife looks at me differently if I was dressed. I took photos of myself once to show her and she joked about how I looked...not in a playing kidding around way.

[CynthiaD]

You feel guilty. Of what? My answer to that would be "nothing." You you can't expect others to like you if you don't like yourself. Your desires don't make you less of a person. They make you special. They don't make you weak. They make you strong. This is true no matter what anyone else thinks. Get this straight in your mind first.

Once you have this straight, you can make a rational choice about whether you will yield to your desires. You don't have to if you don't want to.

See a marriage counselor. If you wife feels like it's ok to make fun of you for any reason, there's something wrong and you've got to get it fixed.

[LeaP]

There are several different things in play. We recently moved to a new state, have the financial stress of the move, etc. Although I don't think this factors are why she goes back and forth. I honestly think it is because of her brother. She has a gay brother who likes to dress in drag. Although I have admitted to my wife I am bisexual, I am by no means gay and my dressing has nothing to do with my sexual preference. I am not sure if she does not believe me or if she doesn't want to think of her husband as being like her brother. It doesn't help that she came from a conservative religious family. Although they have all changed because of her brother I guess the values are still there.

The thing that just really throws me off is at some points she will joke about me dressing and has even gone shopping with me and give me clothes. It is so confusing.

She sounds conflicted, which is understandable. Stress often aggravates conflicts anyway, of course, and people usually act and respond differently when under stress. You're both trying and given she's open to counseling, you have a real chance to address the situation properly. It sounds eminently salvageable.

Lea

[jillleanne]

I am the product of a broken home and I don't want my kid to be in the same situation. I am not really posting this for advice, although I know many of you may comment. I just needed an outlet as I have no one to talk to regarding this. The one "friend" I had who knew I dressed had a falling out with my wife and I haven't talked to her in over a year. Thanks for the outlet.

Julie[/QUOTE]

Take comfort in knowing today, the divorce rate in the North America is now 50%. I'm not trying to encourage anything here nor approve or disappropve of, but rather to let you know, single parent families are not the exception as they were years ago. Your decisions are limited by the sounds of it so not you have a clear decision to make and only you can do that. Might I add, IF she is unwilling to budge on your self expression, even to some level of compromise, you will either have to find a location and time to express yourself eslewhere or keep working on her to at least be willing to open up and accept that maybe, life is not carved out in black and white for everyone. I have always found that making a written list of pro's and con's to assist in decision making is useful. It also sounds like there are other issues involved in the relationship that need to be addressed as well. Keep in mind, when we as people make a committment to each other, it is based on the present situation at the time of the committment. Many things change in later years that may require action that was not visable way back then.

[sinead]

"Not normal"????
I often wish someone could define the word 'Normal'
In all honesty yes I did feel that way and was quire worried about it until the advent of the internet, and so learning that there are thousands of others like us, I feel quite 'normal' now

[docrobbysherry]

-----------She has a gay brother who likes to dress in drag. Although I have admitted to my wife I am bisexual, I am by no means gay and my dressing has nothing to do with my sexual preference. I am not sure if she does not believe me or if she doesn't want to think of her husband as being like her brother. ----------------


Julie, I can't give u advice RE your marriage as I'm divorced. THAT I can give advice on! 2 points tho.

AFTER my wife left me for a "girlfriend", she said she "told me" she was bisexual!

Counseling helped me move past my marriage and helped me with my CD guilt!

[SweetPea_GG]

If your wife doesn't want to participate in counseling, go by yourself. At least whatever decision that you make, you'll have a chance to discuss it with someone.

I agree with this.. atleast then maybe you can start to heal your broken emotions inside and possibly your wife will see that you are trying (not that your trying not to dress but your working on who you are).. possibly when maybe she would be willing to go a few times with you. just remember it can be just as scary for a SO who finds out so many emotions and questioning herself in her mind.. also if she doesnt have much knowledge on CDing just from movies or shows then there is a lot that she could learn to atleast maybe accept it a small small bit even at first or atleast come to realize that its not un-normal.

[juliecdfl]

I just had a long talk with my wife and I am at a loss of what to do. She sees no disconnect between Julie and my bisexual male self even though one has nothing to do with the other. She stated she grew up conservative and couldn't even bear the thought of me under dressing in the house. Even if she doesn't see. As for the bi side, even though she is bisexual herself she was raised that boys shouldn't mess around with boys. As long as I am straight acting then we are fine...oh yeah, she considers dressing gay not straight acting.

So its tough. I love my wife very much and cherish the family we have built. I came out to her as being bi a few years into our marriage and recently came out that I dressed when she was pregnant. I wasn't expecting her to be all happy for me but I also wasn't expecting this. I really thought she would be understanding or at least partially accepting. She is a bisexual woman herself and I just didn't realize how conservative some of her values are.

I know many would tell me that the hardest thing to do, being walking away from the marriage, might be the best thing. I know I could pretend to be who I am not and the marriage would work. The problem then is I will be living a lie and always wondered what I missed out on by not being true to myself. Its tough. Even though someone previously mentioned the divorce rate in this country I do not want to be a statistic or a weekend dad. I don't want someone else raising my kid half the time. I guess I want it all....which is impossible.

[ReineD]

She stated she grew up conservative and couldn't even bear the thought of me under dressing in the house. Even if she doesn't see. As for the bi side, even though she is bisexual herself she was raised that boys shouldn't mess around with boys. As long as I am straight acting then we are fine...oh yeah, she considers dressing gay not straight acting.

She's OK with female same-sex, but not male same-sex? +?

I'm not wanting to doubt anyone here, but I do know from personal experience that sometimes communication between couples is filled with noise, that makes it very difficult for the message sent to be the same as the message received. Things do get translated along the way based on a person's own agenda. Mirroring techniques work well, where she would say something and you would repeat your understanding of what she said, so that she could then confirm that what she said was in fact what you heard. Just an idea.

At any rate, the conversation about your individual sexual attractions is strictly conceptual, since I take it you are both monogamous? My point is, if neither of you intends on going outside the marriage for sex, at this point what does it matter how you identify your sexuality, since under the current circumstances you are both opposite-sex attracted and you both intend on having sex with just one another?

So, IMO the topic of sexual preference just clouds the issue, unless she is afraid you will want to cheat on her with men, or unless she feels that when you are having sex, you are fantasizing about men. If neither of these are true, you do need to reassure her. Vehemently.

Your wife also needs to understand that gender expression has nothing to do with sexual preference for many CDers, (although it must be said there are many CDs here who do fantasize about being with men when they are dressed :p ... but whether this is just an online fantasy or not is anyone's best guess). The majority of crossdressers are straight. And the majority of gay men do not crossdress. In fact, there are many gay men who are not attracted to men who crossdress, since they want to be with men and not women:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?138715-hey-how-are-my-gay-male-crossdressers-doing (read the whole thread).

Your wife should also take the time to learn about the CDing. It's one thing to hold beliefs that are misinformed by the media and some members of the gay community, and quite another to get into the mind of a crossdresser to try to understand his motives:

http://www.amazon.com/My-Husband-Betty-Love-Crossdresser/dp/1560255153/ref=sr_1_13?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320356613&sr=1-13

[LeaP]

People fight hardest the things in others they condemn or fight in themselves. The prototypical example is the rabidly pro-family minister who gets nailed in a brothel or gay relationship. The sexual concern sounds like the driver, as she identifies crossdressing with being gay. It's relatively simpler to separate the two when one is heterosexual versus when you are not. You might look for a gender counselor who does couples work and who can explain all this to both of you at the same time and in the same terms.

Lea