your SO wants you to stop??

[cdsara]

well my SO told me she wants me to stop. thats the only way she will be happy. she says she doesn't want to give me an ultimatum but wants me to want to stop! I told her I could stop but I am not sure I could stop forever or not sure I want to. And if I start again Iwould have to lie about it and I know she would leave then. I dont know what to do? could/would you be able to stop? would you want to?

I am afraid she will ask soon whats more important her or my clothes! I dont know what I would say, it sounds selfish but this has been a part of me all my life. I dont think I would be happy (or sane!) without it.

[rebecca.cross2]

I went through this exact same thing. Get couples counseling, it is the only way you will make it. If she is worth it, you will try to make it work. It will take work on your part, and on hers. Both of you have to be committed to making it work in order to make it work.
It took my wife 3 month before she stopped crying every day. Now, she is OK seeing me dressed. There are still a few issues, but we are working on those. Take one day at a time. Take into account that it is not a short process--it has been over a year since I first addressed it with her and we still have issues from time to time. First and foremost, your SO will need to know that she is more important than the crossdressing.

[Jenniferathome]

Your wife does not understand. Don't promise what you know you can't do. a compromise can be worked out. She never has to see you, see your clothes, or even talk about it if she so desires, but "stopping" is simply impossible. She needs to understand. Point her to this site

[Alberta_Pat]

Ask her what she is willing to "give up" in exchange. Tell her that it must be something important to her.

i am not saying the you present it as an ultimatum though. Just to let her know how difficult this would be for you.

[cdsara]

it has only been 3 weeks and every day is diffrent. one day she seems kinda ok with it then the next day she wont hardly speak to me. Thanks your comments make me feel better. we are set up to go to counselling next week. I sure hope it helps? I canrt lose her but I dont think I can stop either! she is very important to me and I keep trying to reinforce this with her.

[juliecdfl]

My wife is also wishy washy with being ok with it. That is great you guys are going to counseling. Keep us updated on how counseling works out.

[sissystephanie]

Jennifer, "stopping" is NOT impossible!! Any crossdresser can stop, if he/she really wants to!! It simply takes a lot of willpower to do it. I know that is true because I did stop completely for a 5 year period. I stopped crossdressing because I thought it would be best for my family. My wife was totally supportive of my crossdressing, but our children did know about it. 5 years after I had stopped, my wife (who is now my late wife) begged me to start dressing again because she missed Stephanie in her life! I did start again and am about ready to stop again, just because of my age. And Yes, my 2 children do know now and don't care!!

Tgsara, what you need to do is decide whether your really love your SO or your crossdressing best. Your crossdressing is a mental thing, and only you can control it. I am sorry to have to say this, but you saying that you have to do it to be happy and sane is a real copout!! If you have the willpower, you can control it!! Just try harder!!

[cdsara]

my wife has alway been fine with others being whoever they wish to be. She has a few gay friends and never judges them and is very supportive to them. Also she is never predjudice towards anyone and is very accepting towards people. I guess I am the exception!

[AnitaH]

I have spent the better part of several decades trying to suppress and stop this CD thing. I had many good reasons to do so. I have never been successful in stopping for more than a couple of years. Now I realize that this is an essential part of me that is not going away, it would be easier to rip both arms off.

I concur that you should seek couples counseling and with someone who understands trans-gender issues. My concern is that you make her a promise that you can not keep. In that case things could be far worse in the end for you and your SO.

I wish you and your SO all the best and hope that somehow the two of you can work this out.

AnitaH

[Aprilrain]

well my SO told me she wants me to stop. thats the only way she will be happy. she says she doesn't want to give me an ultimatum but wants me to want to stop! .

that is an ultimatum she just put an unusually perverted twist on it by demanding that you be happy about her decision for your life!

forget couples counseling its a waste of time. at least it was for me.

[Eryn]

well my SO told me she wants me to stop. thats the only way she will be happy. she says she doesn't want to give me an ultimatum but wants me to want to stop!

As Aprilrain pointed out, this is an ultimatum. She's saying that her happiness depends upon your stopping so if you do not her unhappiness will be your fault.

You could easily turn this around by saying that CDing is important to your mental health and happiness and her manipulating you in this way puts the blame for your unhappiness squarely on your shoulders.

However, I suggest that you take the high road, sit down with her, and discuss the situation. Tell her that stopping would be very stressful for you and would lead to unhappiness and depression. Tell her that you also understand that your dressing causes her distress. As two mature adults you should be able to work out a compromise that will work for the both of you without drawings lines in the sand.

[faltenrock]

My wife wants me to stop too, but she knows I can't. I just feel to happy when dressed and out and about - she knows that I'm out a lot.
I told her that I don't want to stop, it's part of my personality and I need dressing like I need food and the sun.

[ReineD]

it has only been 3 weeks and every day is diffrent. one day she seems kinda ok with it then the next day she wont hardly speak to me. Thanks your comments make me feel better. we are set up to go to counselling next week. I sure hope it helps? I canrt lose her but I dont think I can stop either! she is very important to me and I keep trying to reinforce this with her.

Have a look at the resources under my signature, specifically "Now I Like It, Now I Don't".

Also, she needs to inform herself about this. There are books, websites, she could even join this website. We do have a support forum for the wives. Plus, she could get to know other CDers here and discover they all don't have kooties. :)

I'm not saying she should, could, or would ever get to the point of enthusiastic support, but the goal is for her to realize the CDing is a fundamental part of your being and it will not go away. It is not a choice. If she can come to understand this, then the two of you can work on a block of time when you will be able to express yourself, even if she is not involved. The importance is that you will not have to hide.

[Noemi]

My wife wants me to stop too, but she knows I can't. I just feel to happy when dressed and out and about - she knows that I'm out a lot.
I told her that I don't want to stop, it's part of my personality and I need dressing like I need food and the sun.
You go Girl!!
I do not want to stop either. But on point. Dude it does not sound good with the wife. When people, male or female have that traditional mind set it is hard for them to open up to cd'ing, or other cultures or different politics etc. You have to try and try you will and I wish you and your wife to have clear minds, and to have courage to see that you can live with each other if you love each other and the relationship works. And of course do not stop cd'ing, can not anyway, well you can but you most likely will get depressed.........

[Jonianne]

Yes, definatly you and she go to counseling. Things can be worked out. I don't know your story, how long you have been together, when you came out to her, etc., but if you just sprung this on her, it's going to take time. Acknowledge to her your part in failing to share this with her at the begining, so that she would have a choice before the relationship. Acknowledge that you know she didn't buy into this. She has the right to feel angry. Acknowledge that and through the counseling try to empathise with her position.

Crossdressing, very likely, is something that is always going to be a part of your life, that you need to feel some completeness. So if that is true, also acknowledge that as well, but be gentle with her about it. For me crossdressing is very much a part of my sense of self and you don't want to lose that or you won't be able to negotiate in a healthy way.

In the counseling, hopefully you both can work out boundries and groundrules that both of you can accept and adhere to, in order to save the relationship. If you have a good counselor, your SO will also learn that ultimatums don't work in a healthy relationship either.

Your part, if you want to stay in the relationship, will also include accepting whatever level of acceptance or non-acceptance she may have and letting her know that you will be OK with that. ie That she can acknowledge and be OK with you, just knowing you are a cd'er and give you some space with it, without her having to see or take part in it. In a lot of relationships that survive, sometimes that is the minimum and that sometimes that is all you can expect. Sort of "I'll accept you being who you are as long as you don't try to force it down my throat". Not the best situation, but there are a lot of cd'ers in relationships that wish they were at least there.

So, go to counseling with her. Acknowledge your part, empathize with her, be willing to respect her boundries, while at the same time, maintain a healthy sense of self on your part so that you can negotiate a happy(ier) solution for both.

[Joanne f]

Could i or would i stop and would i want to , well to be honest i would have to say no to all those as i would still have to do it in secret if pushed , it is a difficult situation when there are different opposing views on a situation like this within a marriage .
Personally i think the best way to go about it at the moment is to be honest and say that you would find it very difficult to give up as it is part of you but would be willing to keep it out of her sight and then try to get her to read as much information about it as she can and go from there , it is a lot for a wife to take on board that her husband likes to dress as a female so give her time and space to sort this out and at least try to understand it a bit in the hope that you both can work something out between you .

[Rachel Flowers]

She's scared and confused. She may be afraid that acceping you as Sara makes her a lesbian. She is affected by social norms that dictate that people are either a man or a woman and nothing in between. It's early days yet; time and counselling and lots of honesty from you both will be the only way to make it work. Fingers crossed for you, hun!

[carolynn2fem]

Have a look at the resources under my signature, specifically "Now I Like It, Now I Don't".

Also, she needs to inform herself about this. There are books, websites, she could even join this website. We do have a support forum for the wives. Plus, she could get to know other CDers here and discover they all don't have kooties. :)

I'm not saying she should, could, or would ever get to the point of enthusiastic support, but the goal is for her to realize the CDing is a fundamental part of your being and it will not go away. It is not a choice. If she can come to understand this, then the two of you can work on a block of time when you will be able to express yourself, even if she is not involved. The importance is that you will not have to hide.

Hi Reine I've bein quietly reading and alway like your input.
I think I can relate to everything in this thread and including Aprilrain ''forget couples counseling its a waste of time. at least it was for me." did couples counseling twice snd ran into a brick wall both times. I'd like to do the compromize thing but cant get there with out education or comunication. that does not happen. I keep thinking maybe some day. ----- when I say this this isnt just about cd'ing her problem solving ability consists of " bury head is sand till the problem goes away'' that doesnt work out very well. that makes me feel trapped in my closet with no way out. I dont know where to turn "for me" selfhelp counseling? triess? if she know I'm on this site and says about it. I will say ok. her responce will be no it's not. I just dont know what or where to turn.

[heel_addict]

It seems like your SO is not willing to come to a compromise so I guess you're left with a major decision. I can't give any more advice but this; you figure out if she's worth it and stop the CDing and go on with your relationship. There's a chance though that you'll miss CDing so much that things will get messed up. If she's worth it though, go for it and do your best to quit. I hope you'll manage... I don't know if a "devoted" CD could ever drop such an important part of his/her life but it's up to you to decide if your SO is more important to you. I wish you the best...

[PretzelGirl]

I am afraid she will ask soon whats more important her or my clothes! I dont know what I would say, it sounds selfish but this has been a part of me all my life. I dont think I would be happy (or sane!) without it.

A lot of good comments here. I want to comment on the above. Please don't get your mindset here. The statement above would be a completely unfair statement to make to a loved one. If you start thinking she might go this way, you could actually find yourself saying something like this to her in the heat of the moment. Try to put these thoughts out of your mind. Best of luck to you and keep everything on a loving and caring level.

[cdsara]

I have been wondering about group theapy. However I cant find any in my neck of the woods up here (montana) if anyone knows of one please let me know!

[kimdl93]

All I can add to this is:

First, give your wife and yourself some time. You've only been dealing with your CDing openly for a short time. As you'll read in the links provided by Reine, it takes a lot of time for anyone to process the range of thoughts and emotions that they experience when they learn that a partner is a CDr.


Second, try to improve on your communications skills. Often, the problem in a relationship is that we, as individuals, are sadly ineffective at communicating our meanings, our emotions and our ideas. And all too often, people don't really discuss, they posture, relying on cliches that create further tension and harden positions.

[sinead]

just reading these replies I realise just how lucky I am
my wife loves me being Sinead

[Cheryl T]

My wife first discovered my secret about 25 years ago.
We talked and talked and I tried to explain, but was really unable to. She was not accepting at the time and so back into the closet I went.
She would say something now and then like, "Do you want to put something on?". I would of course say I had nothing, that it had all been tossed. I lied.
After so many years of "stealing" a few minutes here, an hour there and neglecting things that I should have been doing I finally knew I could no longer do that.
I approached her and said, "WE have a problem".
I told her about my lies and hiding and we talked and I showed her all the sites I frequented including this one. I encouraged her to explore them and ask questions, both on the sites and of me.

After a few months she began to accept, began to understand that this was not something that I could just put aside no matter the cost.

We worked together, set limits and now she is the most accepting and understanding woman I could ever have hoped for. We go out everywhere together. We shop, we dine, we go to Tri-Ess meetings and we have become so much closer now that she is able to see ALL of me and not just the parts I let her see for so long.

I was a lucky one. Others are not so lucky.
The only way to find out is to be honest and open and to talk...talk...talk!!

[Pythos]

Everytime I read a post like this, I just get upset. When I read of an SO crying about something like this, I just wonder what in the hell is wrong with people. There are far worse things in life than your SO dressing in clothing, and letting their true selves out. It in many ways is ludicrous on the face of it.

Yes I know for some CDers it is far more, but there are many here that it is just a style choice.

I just wish people in our group when presented with this sort of thing would just stand their ground. If my SO made such a request, then I would ask them to stop doing something that they love, or better yet ask them if they could. Most likely they would not be able to.

[*Vanessa*]

Sorry to hear this Tgsara
But if she has said "she says she doesn't want to give me an ultimatum but wants me to want to stop!" then in fact she has done just that.

Good luck, when you get tired of talking, then talk some more and keep talking until you're blue in the face. Nothing is guaranteed in life, I hope for you the best.

[Stephanie47]

My wife was distraught when she realized I was a cross dresser. Dabbling in wearing a nightgown and hosiery in bed did not appear to be bizarre to her until she found one of my bras. After some disharmony in the marriage, it is a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. I do not push cross dressing in her face. She does not make any demands. Cross dressing will not go away. Don't promise what you cannot live up to. The mental torment of suppressing your true self will ultimately destroy yourself and your marriage.

I am at a stage in life, where any 'demands' will lead to me terminating my marriage. Counseling is great as long as counseling deals with mutual acceptance of cross dressing and negotiating rules. Counseling to purge your desires? Bend over! It's not going to work.

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like it's time to dump your wife, Sara! Before she dumps u! I'm kidding! Sort of, anyway!

No one that's ever been married says, "It's EASY", or "ALWAYS FUN"! There r issues that come up all the time! How have u dealt with the OTHER issues between u 2? I suggest u revisit those, Sara.

Has it always been ultimatums from her? With u complying in the long run? If so, she'll likely expect that from u on the CDing issue! If you've compromised on past issues, u need to mention that to her and explain you wish to find a compromise on your CDing! She'll need to understand what your dressing is all about to be able to agree to a compromise. If she's NOT willing to do that, or to compromise, please re-read the first line of my post!

[SweetPea_GG]

my wife has alway been fine with others being whoever they wish to be. She has a few gay friends and never judges them and is very supportive to them. Also she is never predjudice towards anyone and is very accepting towards people. I guess I am the exception!

its very different when its someone you love as in a spouse.. i am 100% fine with whoever dressing or being gay etc.. but my own husband thats a whole other story.. its very hard for me yet I am trying to be as supportive as I can be. I have a friend I met on these forums and he was telling me about how there was this one day he just looked into his wifes eyes and he knew he had to stop.. He hasnt dressed in any forum since 2005 i think he said (cant remember the exact year but its been a very long time) and he says now he doesnt even get any urges and he feels just fine.

Now that said in the end its always your own decision to stop or not but it will be work and if your not willing to work on it then dont even try. Its not going to be a quick fix and I am guessing there will be tons of urges but you would have to take it one step at a time.

Do I deeply wish my husband would do the same for me as my friend did for his wife.. yes (sorry being truthful).. but I would never tell him to stop.. if he wants to actually stop its his choice to do so.. Do I think he could stop.. yes.. hes a very strong person..would it make me happy if he did.. yes.. im not trying to upset anyone who feels its wrong to try and stop etc.. i am just being extremely truthful and how i feel inside..so sorry if I do step on anyones toes with my comments.

but yes its possible it just takes probably time and a lot of work and a mindset to do so.

[rebecca.cross2]

Everytime I read a post like this, I just get upset. When I read of an SO crying about something like this, I just wonder what in the hell is wrong with people. There are far worse things in life than your SO dressing in clothing, and letting their true selves out. It in many ways is ludicrous on the face of it.

Yes I know for some CDers it is far more, but there are many here that it is just a style choice.

I just wish people in our group when presented with this sort of thing would just stand their ground. If my SO made such a request, then I would ask them to stop doing something that they love, or better yet ask them if they could. Most likely they would not be able to.

You really need to realize their are two points of view in situations like this. As crossdressers, it is easier for us to understand. We need to remove ourselves from the CDing and look at it from a genetic womans point of view, let alone a wifes.
I find you comments cold and cruel. Try to enlighten yourself and TRY to understand how a GG would feel when their husband tells this kind of news. We are not living in "a perfect world", so there will always be ways for us to educate, inform, and support.

Just like we all learned in elementary school- If you do not have anything nice to say.......

[Wendae]

God, I'm so sorry for you. Most of us have been thru this and it is a losing battle. All I can say is I feel for you and wish you luck!

[DonnaT]

Been married over 36 yrs, and my wife has asked me to stop several times. I've tried and tried, but at some point I always start again.

It depends not only on how strong willed one is, but on where one resides on the trans spectrum. Heck, I decided to quit smoking one day, and haven't gone back. Seems a pretty good indication of how strong willed I can be.

Being trans is an innate characteristic one is born with. Another is my being right handed. The only way I could stop being right handed would be to cut that arm off. There's nothing to cut off to remove the trans characteristic. Ask your wife to stop using the hand she's most comfortable using and see how she gets on.

The last time my wife asked me to stop, she was threatening to walk out (about 6 yrs ago). I simply reminded her that I would if I could, and she knows good and well I've tried but can't. I then told her I'd miss her, but would still love her if she decided to leave. She could not believe I wouldn't try again, and ran out. After a few hours driving around she came back and hasn't asked me again.

Anyway, maybe you can stop, maybe you can't. Not many can stop forever. So I would suggest you not make any promises when you have no idea whether or not you can keep them.

One compromise would be to say you will try, but only if she agrees not to ask again should you fail. But you have to give it an honest attempt and not succumb to the withdrawal pangs too quickly. When you feel those pangs coming on, ask her to go on a walk with you or something to try and get it off your mind. Hopefully she will see you are trying, for her, for your marriage.

[cdsara]

We will see where it goes next week after therapy starts. But I am afraid I will start again and then I will have to lie about it.

[NicoleScott]

well my SO told me she wants me to stop. thats the only way she will be happy.

Something's wrong here. Relying on others to make you (her) happy just doesn't work. Given the same action, two people will react totally differently. One will choose to be happy, the other miserable. I've been through this with my wife (not about crossdressing, though).

[Anna Lorree]

well my SO told me she wants me to stop. thats the only way she will be happy. she says she doesn't want to give me an ultimatum but wants me to want to stop! I told her I could stop but I am not sure I could stop forever or not sure I want to. And if I start again Iwould have to lie about it and I know she would leave then. I dont know what to do? could/would you be able to stop? would you want to?

I am afraid she will ask soon whats more important her or my clothes! I dont know what I would say, it sounds selfish but this has been a part of me all my life. I dont think I would be happy (or sane!) without it.

I did stop. I stopped when I was about 21 and didn't dress again until about age 29. It was the time in my life where I was the biggest jerk I have ever been. Eventually, I wasn't able to stay stopped. Eventually, it became a need. Irronically, my wife says I am a better husband now that I dress and she knows, and the stress is off of me. The time I didn't dress was one of the darkest times of my life, with little enjoyment in life for me, and little hope. Personally, I can not go back. My wife and I have come to understand the other's line in the sand. There is a slim little area in between my limits and her limits where we are living our lives and continuing our marriage.

Ultimately, if your wife makes you choose between the dressing and her, she is actually making you choose between a part of yourself and her. I could never do that to somebody I love. If I love somebody, I care about them and want them to be happy.

Anna

[Dana7]

The only way to find out is to be honest and open and to talk...talk...talk!!

Cheryl T, you have hit the nail on the head! Communication is a key to success in handling any relationship issue. And this CDing no exception.

[cdsara]

She said she has to make all the changes and accept this. why is it fair that it shes alone. I agree but I told her this is not something I can stop completly and I would be willing to make other changes if she wants. She said this is the only change she wants.(stop dressing) I hope the therapy we are starting next week will help!

[Aprilrain]

she needs to inform herself about this. There are books, websites, she could even join this website. We do have a support forum for the wives. Plus, she could get to know other CDers here and discover they all don't have kooties. :)

Many woman (most?) are unwilling to "inform themselves". My wife was quite certain she already knew everything she needed to know! of course this was her approach to almost everything.

[suchacutie]

Choosing between her and clothes? It seems to me that she doesn't understand the depth of the situation, and as Aprilrain has indicated, maybe she really doesn't want to understand. Learning about who you are is a big job, and it a real change in lifestyle. In a marriage, nothing is one person or the other, it's always both affected, no matter what the situation is. I hope the councilling will help her to realize that there are benefits to changing lifestyle.

Good luck!

tina

[Aprilrain]

She said she has to make all the changes and accept this. why is it fair that it shes alone. I agree but I told her this is not something I can stop completly and I would be willing to make other changes if she wants. She said this is the only change she wants.(stop dressing) I hope the therapy we are starting next week will help!

I would be very leery of "couples counseling" especially if the counselor has no experience with transgendered clients.
My wife and I went to 3 different marriage counselors over a 5 year period. the only one worth a damn was the last. She was useless with the marriage (I had made my decision, I was done and not going back!) but she was helpful with getting me to express what I was really feeling and she help my wife to understand better. (my wife's words not mine).

[ReineD]

She said she has to make all the changes and accept this. why is it fair that it shes alone. I agree but I told her this is not something I can stop completly and I would be willing to make other changes if she wants. She said this is the only change she wants.(stop dressing) I hope the therapy we are starting next week will help!

Well, Sara, it looks as if you're in for the long haul. She says she has to make all the changes, because at this point she cannot bring herself to understand that being TG is an inherent part of you, and that you need to make some changes too in order to NOT dress. She still thinks it is a dirly little hobby, which is what many people who've had very little experience with the CDing think. She thinks that "normal" means no CDing, since this is what her "normal" life has been thus far. She doesn't realize that your "normal" is to CD and she has no concept that you do not have a choice in the matter.

As you can see, she does have a lot of barriers to overcome. Only you can decide if she and your relationship are worth it. I hope you decide they will be, or at least, give it your best shot.

Another thing you haven't mentioned ... did you just tell her that you want to begin to wear women's clothing, or did other things happen that may be predisposing her to be suspicious of all this, such as having discovered a clothing stash on her own, or having discovered memberships on websites that she thinks are for picking up men or other GGs, or having seen communications between you and other people that are more intimate that she may like, or anything else that may have lead her to believe you hid this in much the same way you would have hidden an affair?

Just asking (perhaps because I read way too many other threads here), but if she did find any of this other stuff, you really will need to do your best to explain to her what it is all about and also be prepared to become completely transparent in the future.

[JohnH]

Everytime I read a post like this, I just get upset. When I read of an SO crying about something like this, I just wonder what in the hell is wrong with people. There are far worse things in life than your SO dressing in clothing, and letting their true selves out. It in many ways is ludicrous on the face of it.

Yes I know for some CDers it is far more, but there are many here that it is just a style choice.

I just wish people in our group when presented with this sort of thing would just stand their ground. If my SO made such a request, then I would ask them to stop doing something that they love, or better yet ask them if they could. Most likely they would not be able to.

My wife has given up telling me to wear only pants, since when she tells me to wear only pants, then I say she should not wear pants. She does not wear skirts or dresses at all for streat wear; only I do.

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I concur the restrictions imposed on men as far as clothing and grooming are really constricted as compared to what women are able to wear in this Western society.

Think of the money companies could make if somehow it became acceptable for men to wear makeup, dresses, and skirts in addition to the (gasp) coat and tie for formal wear.

Johanna (John)

[Kylie.K]

This is an unfortunate thing for a crossdresser. The thing that I think needs to be pointed out is you are who you are regardless of the clothes you wear, how you style your hair and if you wear make up or not. What makes us who we are is what is on the inside. Not wearing a dress does not keep you from being Sara.

Now having pointed that out, I also know how important wearing pretty things is to a crossdresser. Having spent some time on these forums in the last week I can see that everyone's crossdressing comes from different places. For some it is a hobby, for others it is much more. It's the much more that I don't quite understand, as that's not what it is for me. For me it is something that is very fun and a hobby that I love. I've known I wanted to crossdress since I was 12, but it is something I could stop at any time. The desire would always exist, but I wouldn't HAVE to dress. I could suppress it if that's what it took to make my wife happy. I have been married for 17 years and it has been 99% bliss. I have made it my goal to have communication be front and center in our marriage. As such we never have 'fights', and have never had a 'fight' since we first met. We have had some discussions, open dialogue about things that we always work out an agreement on.

However, we've never had any discussion about my crossdressing. I told her about that part of my life before we were ever married, before I even proposed to her. I knew I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, but I had to make sure before I asked her to marry me that she would be accepting of my dressing. If she would have freaked out about it then she probably would have dumped me and I would have moved on. Thankfully she was cool with it, and has on more than one occasion dressed me up and done my hair and make up.

One thing she really enjoys is when I put on my maid's uniform and clean the house. She gets a day of pampering and doesn't have to lift a finger. Maybe that's why she's so accepting. :)

Anyway, I'll get to my point. Communication is so very important. I really hope that you and your wife can work this out. And for anyone not married who perhaps is reading this, remember, this is why it is so very important to let your SO know EVERY part of your life. If you keep no secrets then he or she can never be surprised.

*hugs*
-Kylie

[Julogden]

Hopefully, you and she will be able to work out some kind of compromise that you can both live with. It's been done before, so don't give up yet.

I'm very sorry to hear that you're having such big problems in your relationship, but it's pretty common when we wait until we're way into a marriage before working out our dressing or gender issues. In my opinion, anyone with dressing/gender issues should work hard to figure out just where they fit into the transgender spectrum and should ideally stay unattached until they figure out who they are and to what extent/how often they need to dress, then be totally honest about who they are when meeting a potential mate. If we don't do that, we often end up in the situation like this one and all persons involved are going to get hurt badly if one's SO can't accept who we are becoming, and IMO, you can't really blame her. How would you feel if years after your marriage, your wife announced that she prefers to look and dress like a man, lets her body hair grow, faked a beard and started wanting to dress as a man as much as possible?

I wish you the best Sara, I sincerely hope that your wife can see her way to working on a way to compromise with you on your dressing.

Carol

[Kaz]

I really feel for you and hope it works out. A lot of this is about increasing education and decreasing dogma and prejudice. Sadly these are long term issues. You could evolve a longer term strategy rather wanting a quick fix. Play to her wants and stop (we can all stop in the short term)... she will appreciate your commitment to her percieved needs (her wants) and then start educating her. Think strategy... what is the position you want ultimately... and then how are you going to make that happen.

Rome was not built in a day and these days we are in a constantly moving world....

Take her with you on the journey...

[k lynn]

I tried real hard when I was married I also got told quit are I am leaving Itold her from the beginning I was a cd well I tried although I took up smoking and drinking heavy I was miserable and so was she also I became a totallyed different person even my long time friends could not stand me and even worse I could not stand myself so I started again and when divorced that was 10 years ago I am so much happier now and she is not in that 10years she has been maried and divorced 2 more times.

[Vicky_Scot]

You can stop if you want. Thats what I hear people saying but they also say but years later I started dressing again.

So you have not stopped, you have just taken a break. But bet you were not happy whilst not dressing.

Once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser. You may never dress again (unlikely) but you will always be a crossdresser.

[mountaingirl]

As a GG, it saddens me that she would give you an ultimatum like this. If you are worried she is going to make you choose between her and your female clothing, then she does not understand that crossdressing isn't a choice.
If you want to keep your relationship with your SO, open communication is the key. However, if she is very reluctant to talking, does not wish to look at information (like the things ReineD suggested), and further gets upset/cries when you bring up the topic, then she may not ever be willing to understand your crossdressing. What you need to work out between the two of you is where she "falls" on the spectrum of acceptance, ranging from fully accepting to total rejection. This can take some time. If by saying she wants you to stop, she is telling you she is not accepting whatsoever, you may have your answer already. You cannot force her to do things she does not wish to do.
I do not know much of your story; how long she has known you crossdress, how much you have already talked about it before she said to stop, etc. In the end, you also have to figure out if stopping is something you can do, cannot do, and how often you need to be able to do it (or not). You both deserve to be happy and live fulfilling lives. Hopefully that is something you can acheive together, that you can talk about together constructively. I wish you the best of luck.

[Pythos]

I find you comments cold and cruel Cold, yes, cruel, no.


Try to enlighten yourself and TRY to understand how a GG would feel when their husband tells this kind of news I feel I am quite enlightened. I have read of this sort of thing over and over again, I have also read many horror stories with women and their SOs.

My point is, there IS far worse than your husband wearing clothing that for some effed up reason has been deemed for one gender only.

I am not a heartless monster, contrary to what you think. I am a thinking individual. I find when I read of an SO crying in this manner over something like this to be just sad. Now if the guy says "honey, I don't want to be a man any more, and want to become a woman" Then I could understand.

I can not look at it from a genetic woman's point of view because I AM NOT ONE. I am a male. I can never understand the pain women go through at that time of the month, or what it feels like to have a child grow inside me. Women have made tremendous strides in modern society. They hold positions in life that were only a dream not 2 decades ago. There WERE men that felt this was a great threat to them, and they did what men do, and that is not cry but still they played an unfair game. They did everything they could to hold women down. In my eyes, in this day and age, a modern women that looks down on their man for him wearing "feminine" styles, or EVEN acting "feminine" to me is a slap in the face to those women that strived for equality. EVERY time someone puts someone down for being "feminine" they are insulting women and the notion of femininity. They are agreeing that when a man wears stuff, or acts in ways that are feminine that he is somehow "lowering" himself in some way.

It disgusts me.

I am currently hearing of yet another horror story when it comes to gender and sex, and this one in comparison is vastly worse than a woman learning her husband or SO is a CD.

I am about as cold hearted as a dragon.

[Sometimes Steffi]

its very different when its someone you love as in a spouse.. i am 100% fine with whoever dressing or being gay etc.. but my own husband thats a whole other story.. its very hard for me yet I am trying to be as supportive as I can be. I have a friend I met on these forums and he was telling me about how there was this one day he just looked into his wifes eyes and he knew he had to stop.. He hasnt dressed in any forum since 2005 i think he said (cant remember the exact year but its been a very long time) and he says now he doesnt even get any urges and he feels just fine.


I don't want to be negative here, but I call them like I see them.

You can't be 100% supportive EXCEPT if it your spouse, brother, sister, best friend, etc. You may be 99%, but not 100%

As for stopping, some people probably can. The problem no one seems to know if stopping is like biting your nails, stopping overeating, stopping smoking, or stopping writing with your dominent hand. I believe some of these have caused physiological changes or have changed (or reinforced) the wiring in the brain in a way that makes it very difficult to stop. I also think that the changes are different for each person.

Now back to the OP...

There was a time right after my wife first found out that I would have done just about anything, including promising to stop crossdressing, to keep the marriage intact. But when I say "anything", I wouldn't have done a total purge or had a ceremonial bra burning party. In fact the first thing I did after she found out was to move most of my clothes to a storage locker, leaving enough at home so to satisfy her that I purged everything. I just knew that I didn't want to lose all my stuff.

We did go to couples counseling for about 6 months, but it mainly served to lower the temperature. We never got into the deep discussion of why she disliked crossdressing (and possibly me) so much and couldn't change and why is was so important to me. I'm not sure if we didn't get there because the counselor was himself uncomfortable with the topic or if he thought she wasn't ready to address it yet. We eventually stopped because we had lowered the temperature considerably, we weren't making any more progress, and because it was expensive (but not nearly as expensive as a divorce lawyer).

My brother has often talked about his divorce and how his financial security was eviscerated (his words) by his divorce and how he is still financially affected today by spousal support payments. So I recognize divorce is not fun, even if you hate each other like my brother and his ex did. However, I have been going to a therapist individually since we stopped marriage counseling and have come to realize how integral occasional crossdressing is to my life and my mental well being.

My current position is that if my wife made an ultimatum -- her or the crossdressing -- she might be surprised and disappointed at the answer.

Oh, and I continued crossdressing in secret, taking much more care to avoid being caught again. And, since then, I have started going out en femme and meeting a bunch of local girls socially. The lies have become lies of commission rather than lies of omission, and they are much more elaborate now.

Ultimately, you may regret accepting the ultimatum, or be unable to satisfy the conditions. A compromise, if you two can work it out, would be the best solution. There are any number of success stories that have been discussed here. It my case, it developed into a de facto "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", which leaves me the choices of not telling, or lying about it. I don both, but more of the lying, which does cause me significant distress, but I haven't figured out a way to come clean.

[cdsara]

she said last night she cant understand why i dont want to stop for her. she has benn doing some reading but it may be the wrong stuff. she joined the crossdresser wives forum. she said there is alot of bitter wives there but also some accepting ones. I am afraid some of them are leading her the wrong way. but it has only been a month.

[CallieH]

I really feel for you and hope it works out. A lot of this is about increasing education and decreasing dogma and prejudice.


Sara,

Like Kaz said, you have to find out what she is scared of by you dressing up. Once you can talk about both your insecurities you will reach a level where you can set your boundaries.

My gf Hayley and I are going through something kinda similar right now, feel free to drop us a line if you would like to talk. I would also highly recommend you read the thread Reine pointed out, and if your SO is willing, have her sign up here. She will find a lot of like-minded GG support here, that will help un-demonize CDing and what it really means.

Good luck, and all the best to you two!

[Tina B.]

Yes Sara you can quit, anyone can, all you have to do is accept being depressed, filled with rage, that you can't explain, and lethargic, other than that it's easy. Well at least that what happens to me. I don't recall how long she has known, but if it's new, under a year, keep talking, after that, I believe if two people can't accept each other for who they are, I'm sorry, they really don't belong together, life is to short, for two people to continue to make each other miserable, at my age when you see all the people around you dying off from old age, you realize your time here is short, and then your a long time gone, so you better make the best of it while your here.
Tina B.

[ReineD]

she said last night she cant understand why i dont want to stop for her. she has benn doing some reading but it may be the wrong stuff. she joined the crossdresser wives forum. she said there is alot of bitter wives there but also some accepting ones. I am afraid some of them are leading her the wrong way. but it has only been a month.

I would advise her to join here. I have personal experience with that site and I think the support section here for GGs is a lot better balanced. The GGs here don't all support their husbands to the same level and this is perfectly OK (everyone needs to determine their own comfort levels), but we don't encourage the view that CDing is bad here.

Granted, there are CDs who do have sex issues, cheat on their wives, drink too much, and are abusive, but these CDs in my opinion would have these same issues even if they didn't CD.

[J'lyn GG]

she said last night she cant understand why i dont want to stop for her. she has benn doing some reading but it may be the wrong stuff. she joined the crossdresser wives forum. she said there is alot of bitter wives there but also some accepting ones. I am afraid some of them are leading her the wrong way. but it has only been a month.

You know, that site is not all bad. I tried to stay and be a voice of positivity. It worked for awhile, but, I had to leave when someone went to far. Anyway, I know the few that are positive. Let her talk to them. Via email, if necessary. Wives need a place to go and vent. Say whatever mean things she wants to say and not fear backlash. She CANNOT DO THAT HERE. The GGs understand, but she cannot post in the GG forum right away. I am STILL getting flack for things I said when I first came here. In March. I was very bitter and depressed, yet some CDers on this site made me feel worse. Wasn't it enough that I found my way here? Nope. I needed to be 100% okay. If I loved my husband, yada yada yada. It was like the fact that I was lied to for years and years should not make a difference. Some CDers on here are good husbands and some are bad and yet, some are VERY BAD. Just like the general population. Anyway, there are those on this site that forget something, when they are trying to make a CDers life better by telling their wife how petty they are being or how bad a wife they are or how they SHOULD feel, they are actually making it worse for the CDer at home. Because the wife may take it out on her husband, OR make the wife question more than she needs to question. IMO, anyway. When SHE is ready, this will be a good place for her. But she needs to be at the point where she 'gets' that it will not go away, no matter how bad one wants it to. And that she loves you, regardless. That you are a good husband to her and she needs to find hope. That takes some time. I made my way here 5 months after being told and 4 months of marriage counseling. AND hitting rock bottom.

[Sheilah]

Hi Folks,

My first post here but I have this thread and felt I needed to comment.
I also joined the site previously mentioned and would say there is very, very little balance indeed.
I have not as yet joined the gg site on here so am unable to comment.
I would like to echo ReineDs comments.
I am not proud to admit that I did the same thing to my partner when I found out after 16 years of being together. It was a massive shock and I insisted he stopped. He did - for 3 years. I was angry becuase of lies and felt I'd been misled by the man I had been with for nearly twenty years. I used those three years to research and try and understand. I finally came to the realisation that 'Karen', is an inate part of my husband. I saw her as a threat to our relationship instead of part of him. I'm not proud of this but I simply didn't understand. From what you've said about your partner I'm unsure if she does. A lot of comments get made about the acceptance pendulum - I think its more like a roller coaster! lol. All I really know is the only way my partner and I get through is pretty much what many folks on here have already said - HONEST COMMUNICATION. I think at the moment she may feel that you want to 'choose' wearing female clothes instead of her. Its a painful place to be that I doubt she understands - I didn't. Be honest with each other - don't make promises you can't possibly keep, no matter how good your intentions because when you are unable to keep them the pain will be worse. I wish you both all the love and luck in the world. XXX

[Acastina]

Being blessed with a wife of eight years who not only knows and accepts, but overtly supports my CDing, it's hard for me to offer advice. To shorten a long and interesting story, she fell in love with the gurl first and got the boy as a bonus. It ebbs and flows in our life together, in terms of importance and prevalence, but it's always there, and we both know it.

I've also read just about everything published on the topic of TG and its variations in the last 30+ years. I'm convinced that it probably involves prenatal hormones in utero. Oversimplifying, there is research suggesting that our gender identities and sexual orientation get "wired" into our brains at discrete times relatively early in gestation through delivery of hormonal "cocktails" from the mother's system. Get the timing or the balance of hormones in the cocktail out of the normal range, and the process of differentiating a female zygote into a male fetus skips a beat and gets wired wrong. The complexity of the wiring and the difficult process of differentiating means there can be many variations in outcome. That explains masculine and femme gay men, butch and lipstick lesbians, hetero CDers, bi-CDers, and so on. It also explains why so many more males than females exhibit confusion here.

There is also evidence that second and subsequent sons of mothers with multiple sons have more TG variations than first and earlier sons, suggesting that the mother's system may become a bit out of whack with subsequent pregnancies. I'm a third son, born to a mother who then had the daughter my parents wanted, but who turned out very masculine from an early age. Her fifth child died in infancy. My conclusion? Her reproductive system had an anomaly that produced feminine me, masculine sis, and then couldn't bear another healthy infant.

If this seems to have wandered off-topic, my point is this: we don't know what causes TG behaviors, but there are clues arising from research that strongly point to our brains being miswired somehow and to some extent, and that therefore we only have limited willpower control over it. That's why suggesting that any CD can simply quit without consequences popping up elsewhere in his/her behavior is a very risky proposition. You can suppress it indefinitely, but it might make you crazy; you could develop Whack-a-Mole pathologies, prominent among which are substance abuse, depression, and a resentment that this is being imposed on you to stifle an inherently harmless behavior (other than the intolerance of our repressed society), rather than a choice you freely made.

If it's not compulsive (and some would say addictive), you're a casual CD and the issues aren't the same. If it is compulsive, you'd better pay attention to it and contemplate big changes carefully. These feelings go deep, perhaps to the core of our mental configuration as sexual beings. If so, you can't deny it away without consequences.

One final thought: if CDing is akin to a hunger, then living in our bi-gendered society with all its overt sexual suggestion and imagery is akin to looking into restaurant windows while famished and not being able to satisfy that hunger. We see attractive women around us and may feel a more-or-less conventional sexual curiosity/arousal from it, but my perception is something closer to envy. Understood that way, as a primal need, it's different than being a weird sexual hobby.

If an SO can grasp some of the foregoing, maybe she can begin to accept uncritically what none of us really understands. I can describe it, but I can't explain it. Big difference.

[kristinacd55]

It's a fine line you have to walk Sara. My wife found out 4 years ago, and she joined the forum back in August. I think it's been a very good experience for her. As she said in her first post, "it's been a real rollercoaster" and that it has been. Just hang in there, and be very patient. The counseling idea is good too. Main thing is if you love each other, you'll work it out.....