I blame my father!

[Marissa333]

I was posting in this thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?162924-Coming-out-to-my-female-friends when I decided to share something that ruined my life.

When I was very young I knew I was meant to be a girl. As early as I could remember I wanted to be a girl, even though I am sure at that age I didn't even know what that really meant.

We as a family would watch Barbara Mandrell on TV. I don't remember what the program was called "the Mandrell sisters" or "the Barbara Mandrell show" or something along those lines. I, on more occasions than one said to my mom or siblings "I want to be Barbara Mandrell when I grow up". They would laugh and think it was cute or whatever.

There were times where I would get caught wearing my moms pantyhose, or my sisters dresses. My mom would scold me, and tell me it was wrong, then dad would come home and hear all about it. He would remind me it was wrong, but in a much more theeatening tone of course.

Some time later, I was about 5 or 6, and we were on a family vacation in our camping trailer. I have no idea what compelled me, but I remember asking my siblings (older brother and sister) to meet me outside in private, I had something secret to tell them. They met me outside, and I made them promise to not tell mom and dad what I am about to tell them. They promise, so I proceed to tell them that I want to have a sex change and be a girl. I don't even remember where I learned what a sex change was, but I do remember understanding what it involved as far as changing me from boy to girl. So not but 2 seconds after telling my siblings, they go right in and tell my dad. I was a furious 5 year old. Immediately after, my dad goes into a drawer, pulls out a pair of scissors, and says "you want a sex change? I will cut your dick off right now if that's what you want?". I was absolutely terrified. I pleaded no no no and after a lot of confusion and anger he finally let it go. I was so scared, and for years and years suppressed my feelings as much as I could.

Now that I have a tremendous amount of support from my wife, and been blessed with the wonderful support from this website. I have been able to really sit back and analys the events in my past. I came to the conclusion that I blame my dad for the missed time in my life that I could have been expressing myself the way I knew I should have been since I was a young child. 20 some odd years I spent in fear of my father being reminded of who I am. He knew what I was, and chose to allow me to be miserable rather than be reminded I was different. 20 or so years I missed being able to be the girl I am.

That makes me sad and a tiny bit depressed. Not in a destructive way I promise. But I do know that writing this out, and finally being able to share this really does help.

(starting to cry right now)

I am very greatfull for this forum, for being able to share these things with you. I look forward to your comments, and love you all so much.

Marissa

[ReineD]

Awww, I am so sorry, Marissa. So very sorry. It breaks my heart to see a young child be terrified this way.

You may not be ready to hear this, but all parents make terrible mistakes with their children. I've made my own. At the time, a parent's actions are guided by their own fears and misinformation. I don't think your dad had any idea how traumatizing and long-lasting his actions would have had on you.

I was bitter about my own mother for equally traumatizing events and when I was in my 30s I realized that she really had done the best she could with the tools that she had. I was able to forgive her and looking back, living with forgiveness in your heart is a great deal better than allowing the resentment and the anger flourish.

If your father is still alive and you are out now, is there any way you could tell him how his actions affected you? If he is able to see the harm he did, the two of you might have some closure on this. My mother could never see the harm she had done, but this was OK. I was ready to move on from the bitterness.

You can be the girl you want to be now. I know this may not be a consolation, but if it helps, try to remember that you don't know how it would have played out if the incident with your dad hadn't happened and you had come out in your teens. You may think now that your life would have been improved, but it might easily have gone the other way too. A number of things could have happened (or maybe not), that might have made your life worse. The point is, you just don't know.

[Sally24]

It's good to vent these things. Allows you to deal with it and maybe feel better about your life. My mother also knew and was not helpful at all. I personally don't think our parents did the best they could with what they had. They reacted with fear and let that control them rather than help their child. That makes them weak but not necessarily bad people. Be happy that you have come to some terms with this at such a young age. Many of us didn't start analyzing this until our 40s or 50s.

[PretzelGirl]

Marissa, I am sorry to hear these stories. But by dealing with the past, we can move forward to improve our lives. Remember, your father probably didn't know better. We seem to just now be getting to an age where parents have more understanding of GLBT issues. That doesn't absolve him, but it is not an uncommon type of story. As Sally says, it is good to vent. I think it can be one of the best therapies even without feedback because sometimes we just need to get things off our chest. So I hope this helps you with your memories and allows you to move on and possibly forgive him for his acts.

[Kate T]

Marissa

I too am sorry for the trauma of your past and also for the wall that was inadvertantly erected between you and your father.


Awww, I am so sorry, Marissa. So very sorry. It breaks my heart to see a young child be terrified this way.

You may not be ready to hear this, but all parents make terrible mistakes with their children. I've made my own. At the time, a parent's actions are guided by their own fears and misinformation. I don't think your dad had any idea how traumatizing and long-lasting his actions would have had on you.

I was bitter about my own mother for equally traumatizing events and when I was in my 30s I realized that she really had done the best she could with the tools that she had. I was able to forgive her and looking back, living with forgiveness in your heart is a great deal better than allowing the resentment and the anger flourish.

If your father is still alive and you are out now, is there any way you could tell him how his actions affected you? If he is able to see the harm he did, the two of you might have some closure on this. My mother could never see the harm she had done, but this was OK. I was ready to move on from the bitterness.

You can be the girl you want to be now. I know this may not be a consolation, but if it helps, try to remember that you don't know how it would have played out if the incident with your dad hadn't happened and you had come out in your teens. You may think now that your life would have been improved, but it might easily have gone the other way too. A number of things could have happened (or maybe not), that might have made your life worse. The point is, you just don't know.

Oh Reine, can I please bottle you up in a magic bottle to pull out any time I need sage and wise advice! As always you have encapsulated an enormity with amazing clarity and compassion.

I never had a father. My mother reared me on her own with help from her father (my grandfather). I am however a father. And I think a reasonable one (at least my wife tells me I am :p). I echo Reines comments. Every parent makes mistakes. Equally though I think every parent loves their children deeply (at least I hope and pray that they do), perhaps sometimes this love causes us to be blind to what we do not want to see. If your father can see and regret the harm he did then hopefully you can forgive him.

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

[TxKimberly]

. . . You may not be ready to hear this, but all parents make terrible mistakes with their children. I've made my own. At the time, a parent's actions are guided by their own fears and misinformation. I don't think your dad had any idea how traumatizing and long-lasting his actions would have had on you.. . .

Wow, once again Reine has swiped what I would have said. Though I'm still not quite sure how it has come to this, I now have three children of my own, and not one of them came with a manual or even a users guide. Everyone grows up thinking that their Mom and Dad's know it all - they seem so smart and strong, but nothing could be farther from the truth. We are often scared and clueless and I wager that your father is no different than the rest of us. Faced with a little boy who has a "issue" or problem that he didn't understand, and with consequences that he no doubt thought were huge, he reacted with fear and anger. That makes him human.
I also wouldn't really hold it against your brother and sister - they were only children themselves. Children have many good and bad qualities, but expecting discretion from one is simply not being realistic.
The one thing that I am not sure if I agree with Reine about though, is the idea of bringing it up with your dad again. Honestly I dont see the point of doing that and suspect that it's only outcome would be to pull scabs off of old wounds and possibly inflict some new ones. I think I would just try and let it go if I were you.

[Rachel Flowers]

I'm on the fence about re-opening it with your Dad. You need to be in a place yourself where you can be sure you're doing it out of love and not out of anger or revenge or bitterness, otherwise it will only make things worse for both of you. But I agree with everyone else, your Dad's reaction was awful but it was driven by a genuine intent to help you avoid something he thought was bad for you, in the only way he knew how to do it. All anger is cloaked fear, I believe, and that applies to your Dad's anger as much as it does to yours towards him. Thinking of you, hun, good luck with it x

[DonnaT]

Yes, even in these enlightened times, with the Internet and all, many parents still do not handle this sort of disclosure well. And there are many psychologists that can't even support a child's need to transition.

When feeling a little depressed, think of the good things that have happened. For example, if you had more support from your folks, would you have then met your wife?

[Katelyn B]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I know how scary fathers can be when your young and they get an inking there's something "wrong" with their child. My own fathers response to something I did which let home know I was "different" when I was younger is the reason I repressed who I am for so many years, and it was no where near as extreme as your fathers reaction.

Whether you bring it up with him again depends greatly on your current relationship with him, a lot of time has passed and we live in a more enlightened age, so his views may have softened, but given how those of an older generation are less willing to change their minds on certain things it won't be easy.

Will be thinking of you. Hugs.

/Katie

[EllieOPKS]

Without boring you with my history, let me just say that we all learn from our parents. We learn what to do and eventually we also learn from them what not to do. I can relate to the anger issues of your father. Sometimes I think it's a fear factor of not knowing what to do with a situation so force is used to push things back "into the norm". You can't get back the 20 years lost and you have the right to be irate about but you need to look forward, not backward. It was one of those lessons of learning what not to do with your own kid or others around you.

[DanaR]

.................................................. .......The one thing that I am not sure if I agree with Reine about though, is the idea of bringing it up with your dad again. Honestly I dont see the point of doing that and suspect that it's only outcome would be to pull scabs off of old wounds and possibly inflict some new ones. I think I would just try and let it go if I were you.

I agree with Kimberly on this. Only you could determine if this would even be possible. You know your dad better than anyone else. Would he be able to handle this or understand?

[LilSissyStevie]

Be grateful that he didn't do worse than that. My suggestion is: get over it. You're a big girl now.

[Marissa333]

I really only posted this to get it out. It was a memory that came back to me the day I came out to my wife. Besides the family members that witnessed it, I never shared this story until then. I have a really good relationship with my father, but have no intentions of talking this over with him. It would honestly not do either of us any good.

I was actually pretty proud to come to these conclusions myself without having to pay $200 an hour to a shrink. I really appreciate all of your advice and comments. I agree that he couldnt have known how to properly handle the situation, but scissors were deffinately a bit extream.

I am deffinately not dwelling on this, and agree that I wouldn't have married my wife if I had lived a majority of my life as a girl. As a matter of fact, I was thinking today at work about everything that has happened the past couple months, and realized that I am the happiest now, then I have been for as long as can remember. I owe all of that happiness to my wonderful and supportive wife, who has allowed me to finally be myself.

So with all that said, I am going to buy myself a new pair of heels to celebrate my new found happiness!


Be grateful that he didn't do worse than that. My suggestion is: get over it. You're a big girl now.

Really? This a website people come to for support, and this is what you decide to "add" to the conversation? Please do me a favor and ignore my posts for now on.

[*Vanessa*]

It's amazing how when we write our stories it clears our minds to such an extent. I'm sorry for your childhood story Marissa, I hear happiness in post #13.

Thanks for sharing - take care