just got done with a "friend" over yahoo.

[Sophora]

Just got done with a friend over yahoo. yep friendship over because of this. I am starting to wonder why can't people understand this. here is the sample of the conversation I managed to save to I close the window.


"friend": dude u'll never ever be a girl, get over it...u'll always be a man no matter what u do
"friend": y don't u just face the fact that ur gay
"friend": y do u need to hind it from everyone
"friend": u need to figure out what u r
"friend": do u like men and women?

This is first time I have a conversation like this with one of my friends. well friend no more that is. She then went on to say she was trying to support. grrr.

[JulieK1980]

Perhaps you could mail her a dictionary to look up the word, "support."

[josee]

Obviously this "friend" has no idea what it means to be a friend or transgender.

[AllieSF]

Actually, based on the conversation quoted, I think maybe she could still be your friend, if you give her that chance. It is not clear if she already knew about this side of you, but maybe she is trying and needs some help from you. Maybe a face to face conversation would be more productive? I wouldn't write her off just yet, since she said that she was trying to support you. Some people do not realize how sensitive we can be about this subject, and maybe she is just a straight talker and not much into tact. I would give her another chance ans try to have a serious conversation with her.

[BiancaEstrella]

Did you flip the dialogue and let her ask questions?

After a backfire relatively early in my desire/attempts to tell friends about Dani, one thing I did was "create" something called the "no spin zone." That's where, upon telling someone that I cross-dress, I would give them the opportunity to make statements and ask questions, with the implicit understanding being that 1) judgment without questions would not be tolerated; 2) no question is off-limits; and 3) any question asked would be answered truthfully, honestly, and as expansively as needed.

I haven't had a problem since.

[Brynn_A]

..I read and somehow need to post. I've been dealing with many issues over the last 8 moths. From the "sample, I see any oprtunities. The sample is in 5 parts..
1 - is somehat factually true. Granted, given the time, resources and resolve, you could become a legal, de facto female. Is that your wish?
2 - Opens the door for you to state categorically one way or the other. You may emphatically state no..or proclaim the inverse..whichever may be true.
3 - Again, a question that opens an honest and forthright dialogue.
4 - A simple statement that is factual, in that each here has, should or will figure that out one day.
5 - Once again, a question where your friend sought an honest answer.
I haven't talked to you, but from my perspective, your friend was in the midst of some confusion, honest interest and genuime curiousity. Only you can answer those questions for only you know the answers. I, for one would love to save every quality friendship I have and relish them as I attempt to establish me as part of this world.
Just my two cents for what they're worth.
Brynn

[Brynn_A]

Sophora, I forgot to mention one extremely important thing. I'm someone who has spent quite a bit of time in a text-based world. What we must always remember is that many nuances of a conversation are lost in that medium. While I can read a question, I can not see the genuine pleading for an answer. I can't see the confusion on my chat partners face. My point is simple..if this truly is someone who's friendship you cherish, re-establish contact and have a true talk. Call them..have them call you..meet for coffee, what ever it takes. I think in the long run you may be happy you did and if not..would it be any worse than now?

[thechic]

This person is no friend.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

This stuff if very common...

I had many friends, and my sister initially resist me.... People are uninformed, they are scared for you etc...some people may feel betrayed and angry..i know when i told people that i felt like fraud in life, some people said" was our friendship a fraud??"

the guy friend that has been most supportive and has accepted me in a way very few have was initially very skeptical, expressed much concern for me, and told me there was "no way you are a chic"...

in the end its up to you which friendship is worth fighting for.

[Rianna Humble]

"friend": dude u'll never ever be a girl, get over it...u'll always be a man no matter what u do
"friend": y don't u just face the fact that ur gay
"friend": y do u need to hind it from everyone
"friend": u need to figure out what u r
"friend": do u like men and women?


..I read and somehow need to post. I've been dealing with many issues over the last 8 moths. From the "sample, I see any opportunities. The sample is in 5 parts..
1 - is somehat factually true. Granted, given the time, resources and resolve, you could become a legal, de facto female. Is that your wish?
2 - Opens the door for you to state categorically one way or the other. You may emphatically state no..or proclaim the inverse..whichever may be true.
3 - Again, a question that opens an honest and forthright dialogue.
4 - A simple statement that is factual, in that each here has, should or will figure that out one day.
5 - Once again, a question where your friend sought an honest answer.

Sorry to contradict, but IMNSHO:

Number 1 is not true if the OP is TS then she never was really a man.

Number 2 is confrontational in the extreme.

Number 3 is also confrontational in the context. The OP has just "come out" to this person she had thought of as a friend and the "friend's" reaction is to accuse her of hiding "it" whatever she means by "it"

Number 4 is not factual. the OP already knows what she is - a human being. If the supposed friend had said the OP needed to figure out who she is, I would have agreed with your assessment, but being trans does not prevent us from being human.

Number 5 might have been honest if it had not been in the context of accusations about sexuality and downright hostility.

Your later comments about not being able to see a person whilst you read their words is valid to a point. However, in my experience, semantics and context give a great deal of insight into the intended meaning of the written word. The Irish High Court agrees with me on that point having used my semantic and contextual analysis of texts in their judgements.

[Sophora]

This stuff if very common...

I had many friends, and my sister initially resist me.... People are uninformed, they are scared for you etc...some people may feel betrayed and angry..i know when i told people that i felt like fraud in life, some people said" was our friendship a fraud??"

the guy friend that has been most supportive and has accepted me in a way very few have was initially very skeptical, expressed much concern for me, and told me there was "no way you are a chic"...

in the end its up to you which friendship is worth fighting for.

If this was the case then I would fight for the friendship however she was one of the first people that knew. she has known for 6 months now and originally supported me. She was also lying the entire time.(saying stuff that I could prove as falsehoods the entire time ie by going back through texts, my facebook status). So it is unneeded drama. Why she changed her mind is a mystery to me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

unneeded drama and lying is a much bigger friendship issue than lack of support over your situation..i agree with you..

I learned over time that some of the people that supported me upfront just went away and others stuck around...so good luck with all your friends...one thing i also learned is to be careful about talking about all this..people get bored with it..

i recall one friend saying "hey , i got my own problems too"...that hurt at first but i realized he was right...

[Aprilrain]

Everyone has said to me "I never would have guessed!" why would they have guessed? Let's say I had been overtly feminine they STILL would not have thought "oh he's a girl trapped in a mans body" who thinks that, except us? They would have just thought I was gay. I think my wife DID think I was gay LOL. Anyway everyone has a different opinion on "coming out" but for me it was an important part of my journey. Not because I really needed a bunch of people to know and frankly at this point a lot of the people I initially told are of little importance in my day to day life but because I needed to know that this wasn't just some fantasy. I needed to know that my conviction wasn't going to crumble once my thoughts became reality. One of my best friends who lives in another state said she thought it was HOT LOL when I told her I wish I would have done this years ago she said "so do I we would have had a lot more fun!" on the flip side someone who I have know for quite a few years now but was never really friends with pulled the "you can never be.a real woman because you can't have kids" card. I said I'm 35 and already have 2 kids what the hell would I want to get pregnant for!?!? She is catholic but hangs out with Mennonites and does the whole super long hair long jean skirt thing to her a woman's sole purpose on this planet is to have and raise babies. I feel sorry for this person, she feels the need to hide the fact that she is a recovering alcoholic from their BF because he would judge her for it. What kind of relationship is that?

[Amber99]

Everyone has said to me "I never would have guessed!" why would they have guessed? Let's say I had been overtly feminine they STILL would not have thought "oh he's a girl trapped in a mans body" who thinks that, except us? They would have just thought I was gay. I think my wife DID think I was gay LOL.

I never acted overly girly or anything(as far as I can tell lol) but my parents use to constantly ask if I was gay. When I finally came out to my mom she was like "So that's what it was!" Now that I'm thinking about it with a proper perspective I guess I am gay since I still only like girls.

[steph963]

Just got done with a friend over yahoo. yep friendship over because of this. I am starting to wonder why can't people understand this. here is the sample of the conversation I managed to save to I close the window.


"friend": dude u'll never ever be a girl, get over it...u'll always be a man no matter what u do
"friend": y don't u just face the fact that ur gay
"friend": y do u need to hind it from everyone
"friend": u need to figure out what u r
"friend": do u like men and women?

This is first time I have a conversation like this with one of my friends. well friend no more that is. She then went on to say she was trying to support. grrr.

I've found a lot of people just don't understand where we are coming from as they have no knowledge of the situation. I don't think she meant any harm by her words, I think she just doesn't understand you.

Sadly people seem to group Gay (or lesbian) and trans together and just assume they are the same thing.

Not that I'm excusing her behavoiour but there are always two sides to a story.

[freegirl]

Hi,
I'd like to relate a recent (Saturday night) experience. I was talking on the phone with a very long term friend of mine. She was upset about why I had never told her I was a transsexual, and also wondered why I'm doing what I'm doing. We worked through things after a couple of hours, and ended on a good note. What I'm trying to say is that even good friends who really love you are going to have trouble understanding, and they are going to have feelings that will come out at the oddest of times. If this person is really your friend and you care about them, the last thing you want to do is get angry with them. Patience is an art, and with a little effort and time you could probably make this person understand that you are not gay. I guess you have to decide how much this person means to you. Best wishes.