Does the depression hit late?

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

So here's the thing. I have NEVER been a truly depressive person. When I was depressed it has always been situational, and rarely related to gender issues. I kind of always pushed my gender issues to the side thinking there was no way to change things. I have always been a "suck it up and drive on" person. Well when I found out I could change (6years ago) it hit a bit because it seemed so out of reach. My gender issues never really effected my life though which I know is a major criteria. But now.....the last few weeks, I have been anti social, reclusive, and try as hard as possible not to leave my house. Because I don't want to be seen as a man in a dress even though I have been living ft for 9 months. I want so badly to just pass. And then I got my hair cut yesterday for the military training...I have been a wreck since. I am more depressed than I normally get. Tonight is my roommates "manniversary", meaning his 1 year anniversary of taking hormones, he is ftm. Which doesn't help things. I am sitting in my room instead of joining the party in my living room. I am so jealous he is a year into his transition and I am not. I am sick of being lonely and in gender limbo. I am sick of not being able to date. I am sick of not being included in things because of how others may react. I am sick of being male. Sick of having to cut my hair every month....I cry every time. My body looks more and more grotesque to me every day. But why weren't these feelings there as much as a kid? I mean sure I have always felt I was female, imitated females, and looked up to females, but why does it hurt more now, 23 years later than it did then?

Has anyone else had similar issues where their concern for their gender issues showed up more profoundly later in life? On the other hand I do not remember most of my childhood at all. I can't fill in blanks because they are so big. Perhaps they were there but for some reason blocked from memory?

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Sorry for the cry baby thread I just need to reach out...it's been super rough the last couple weeks.

[ReineD]

Oh gosh. I wish I could say something that might help. :sad:

I can't help you from a TS standpoint, but I can say something just from a human perspective. The people who love you, love you for who you are inside. They love your very essence, the thing that makes you unique. I know this doesn't help with the dysphoria but if you are keeping yourself isolated from others for fear they will see you as a guy, if they know you well they will see beyond all of this. They will see your soul, and ultimately you soul will not change no matter how you change your body in the future.

If you feel uncomfortable going out among strangers, I understand. But, tell your friends how you feel, and allow them to comfort you. :hugs:

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

My only friends are trans....ironically all you guys are, but yea they don't want to hear it especially the night of a party. I am sure everyone out there thinks I am a bitch right now because I just leave my room to go to the bathroom or smoke and even then I go up the street.

[ReineD]

Teagan, don't you think they won't understand how you feel? You're going through a hard time right now and even though it's his manniversary, I'm sure he won't begrudge your feelings. It's not as if you're setting out to ruin his party. Sometimes, just sharing how we feel with someone close can help to clear the skies a little, and relieve enough pain to also be able to be there for others.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

I turned to here because I don't want to ruinn the vibe of his party. He has like 30 people over. No time for stupid girl issues.

[ReineD]

OK. Sorry. But you can't say that I didn't try. :hugs:

Maybe others will come here soon and post.

[DanaR]

Sometimes it is just good to talk or to tell someone how you are feeling. I've had feelings in the past where it just didn't seem to matter how I felt, no one would care; which isn't true. Most people seem to be to busy to notice. Do something that you like to do, to take your mind off of your feelings. Then revisit the thoughts you are having tomorrow, usually they change.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Sometimes it is just good to talk or to tell someone how you are feeling. I've had feelings in the past where it just didn't seem to matter how I felt, no one would care; which isn't true. Most people seem to be to busy to notice. Do something that you like to do, to take your mind off of your feelings. Then revisit the thoughts you are having tomorrow, usually they change.

I'm going to drill tomorrow. In a military setting no chance to revisit. And I like to play my guitar but it would diturb the party but thanks. It would be good advice under other circumstances I suppose.

[Jay Cee]

...Has anyone else had similar issues where their concern for their gender issues showed up more profoundly later in life? On the other hand I do not remember most of my childhood at all. I can't fill in blanks because they are so big. Perhaps they were there but for some reason blocked from memory?

I'm thinking that a few people have been through that. I know that late discovery is an issue that I am having. I'm in my 40's, and am just figuring out that I am trans. Kind of a shock to the system. Sorry that I have no advice for you, Teagan, other than to be patient. That, and don't compare your progress to that of other people. Everyone's life story is different.

[Asako]

To me, it feels like you're lamenting over "lost time". Take comfort in the progress you've made so far but know that if you stop walking forward and become depressed, that's fine too so long as you don't let it cripple you like I let the depression do to me. After all, nobody can be strong all the time whether it be transitioning or just life in general. Now, I will warn you. I do have a semi-harsh rebuke for something you said.


I turned to here because I don't want to ruinn the vibe of his party. He has like 30 people over. No time for stupid girl issues. I can understand wanting to avoid being a party killer. Especially on an occasion like his. However..."stupid girl issues"? Do NOT degrade your thoughts, feelings, or emotions like that! That can be the start of a very self-destructive cycle that allows the depression to STAY. I would know. 9 months of fighting depression on my own and now I have a possible multi-fracture in my right hand from a near full mental break down 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. So, please, don't look down on yourself like that.

*hug* I want to reach through the monitor and give you a real hug. Hugs almost always make people feel better...and if the first one don't cheer 'em up at least a little, then give 'em another! If the second doesn't work...don't stop hugging until they get it through their head that you're worried about them for not being their usual self. ^.^ That's basically me in a nutshell when I worry about someone unless I know they aren't a huggy person. Funny story to go with that too! Maybe it'll make you laugh a little? =D

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Having one more issue........ I am having a hard time finding my male voice....

[Aprilrain]

But why weren't these feelings there as much as a kid? I mean sure I have always felt I was female, imitated females, and looked up to females, but why does it hurt more now, 23 years later than it did then?

Teagan, no offense but you ARE a kid! Maybe you wish you'd had more knowledge and conviction at 17, well the girl who transitioned at 17 wishes she had done it when she was 5! be happy your SOOOO young! Seriously you're only 5 years past your 18th birthday and 2 years past being able to drink! (legally) time is on your side!!!! EVERYONE wishes they'd done it sooner!

I totally understand about getting your hair cut. My hair is more precious to me than GOLD! if I woke up with a buzz cut someone's going to DIE!

I am by nature a depressive person. I have been celebrating on the inside because I made it through a whole week without breaking down and balling my eyes out wanting to die. (woo hoo!) to me that is an accomplishment. everyone has different issues they have to deal with as they transition for me my biggest obstacle IS depression. I think we all go through feeling that we don't pass. I spend WAY to much time looking in the mirror finding fault! You are young and pretty, when you finnally get your shit with the military worked out and can really get started without any more government sponsored interruptions you will have NO PROBLEM passing, your way to cute!

[Kerrie Sifton]

Next time get out and participate in the party.... it will work.
As for hair cuts, it will grow back, but you are very cute , maybe you just need to work with a punky short hair style look for now.

And see if you can find someone to talk to so you can walk your way through these issues...
All the best

[brenda b smith]

I think your doing great just relax. I even look up to you your pic looks great im way far behind im over 40 and still wanting to shave my chest that i have to hide uder any outfit

[Kaitlyn Michele]

TNA...I hear you!! I very much understand to what you are saying and what you are going through..

short answer..yes "it" can hit at any time..."it" is a feeling i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy..and you just have to battle it...

.avoiding people is a common side effect of gender dysphoria..as social animals, its distressing to feel like every human interaction is painful and depressing..

I recall calling friends and avoiding our yearly (20+ yrs) "gentleman's weekend" gathering...golf, booze and strip clubs and guy talk was not gonna work out for me anymore..hehe...
they were very upset and concerned and knew nothing of my gender issue.

you are doing great....you have it all in front of you...
and looking at your pic, you have a really feminine and soft face in the picture...feeling like a man in a dress is no fun..but i don't think that is your fate

courage, smarts, patience...repeat as needed...

[Bree-asaurus]

When you're depressed, and especially when you don't want the world to see you as someone you're not, the last thing you feel like doing is going out with people. But forcing yourself to go hang out can make you feel better.

The other night I had to get out of the house quickly and with such little time, I just opted to leave as a guy. Then I had to go meet some friends for dinner. I've been battling horrible depression lately and the last thing I wanted to do was be in public as a guy. We were waiting for my friends to arrive at a bbq place and I soooo wanted to just go hide in my bed... next best thing in my mind was find some sort of alcohol but the friggin bbq place didn't have any! I was in a real bad mood, but once my friends arrived and we were hanging out and talking I started to feel better. They know I'm a girl so they didn't care about me being in guy mode.

Being around people who know who you are and who care about you is fantastic therapy, even if you think it's the last thing on earth you'd want to do.

Hang in there... I can't relate to being stuck in the military or anything, but you ARE young and have your whole life ahead of you. How many years do you have left in the military? I had a friend that was honorably discharged, with the hidden reason being that she started hormones. She told everyone in her unit and the higher ups that she was trans, and they were cool with it but said she couldn't start HRT. She did anyway and they booted her out but made it look good.

[Starling]

...avoiding people is a common side effect of gender dysphoria..as social animals, its distressing to feel like every human interaction is painful and depressing...

Nutshell time!

:) Lallie

[SandraAbsent]

I think we all go through this babe. I understand the idea of not being able to handle one more day as a guy. Let me share a post I put on FB just today:


I've been sitting here actually contemplating today, is this worth it? Am I just so committed to the idea now that there is no turning back? I considered what my life was like before I started all this. To be truthful, it wasn't all that much better, if not worse.

All the steps I have taken from my appearance, to really breaking down the seemingly permanently embedded male thinking pattern. Can this be reversed really? I don't think so, nor do I think I would want to be. Its so much better to not think like the neanderthal I used to be. The debate with myself is how much longer can I take it in the middle. The truth is I can't really take it there anymore.

Last New Years Eve, my resolution was real. "Just make it happen Sandra," I told myself. I've struggled back from loosing everything important in my life and almost being homeless. My life is coming back together and my transition has been a major part of that. My biggest road block is employment. No employment = no health insurance = death for me considering all my hear problems. I know for certain that what I do now is an environment that would just be too difficult. Solution? Start your own business. Well that has been going ok, but its a Catch 22. Im too busy selling for someone else, when I could be selling for myself. Back up plan? Start putting your resume out, but not as him this time. I took one of my bravest steps ever last week applying for and attending my first interview. I know that its probably a "NO" at this point, but I am trying to maintain the perspective that it's one NO closer to a YES.

I had a discussion with my sister last week after this job interview. She says to me, "You know that once you do this, thats is...your out to everyone right?" I confirmed that this is what I really want to do. So why does it all seem so impossible to me, why am I sitting here on the verge of reconsidering. Part of it is that I have already struggled so much in my life, that I don't know how much fight I have left in me. Today is one of those days that I am digging deep for courage. God I hope I find it.

Just hang in there and do what you have to do. The military thing is just that...a thing. Soon your time will be up and you can resume the path you want to take. Just like for me, when I find the right work I can begin to live my life as what I see as normal.

The hair thing? I agree that would just kill me. I will say a prayer for you as the clippers go across your head.

Peace out and hey...I'm only three hours away so if you ever want someone to chat with feel free.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

thanks everyone. I am feeling a bit better, the depression is still there. I have been avoiding the mirror as I just got home a few hours ago and was way to tired to change out of uniform. I did get some good news this weekend. Now that I am in the rear detachment (I was kicked off deployment for being trans if you haven't read previous posts of mine) But for the most part everyone is accepting otherwise. Most of the people I work closely with in the military now know. I decided as I am not deploying and the cat's out of the bag why not be honest with my friends in the rear D about why I am not deploying. The bad news first is that they were planning on keeping me in knowing I am trans until my contract ends in 2015. I of course was not pleased to be wasting time to not do my job and not make the big bucks in the sandbox. SO this weekend I told my new 1SGT. And I also explained I want out. He said he would work on it for me and was very understanding of my situation. I told him i wanted to change my name, that being my Christmas present to myself. He gave me the go ahead and seems like he will be an advocate if people make fun of it. As it would be an administrative board out it could go quickly. So perhaps I may only have to cut my hair a couple more times? I don't know. Silver linings. I am also planning on starting HRT. Although no one has signed their blessing to that, I may be able to get away with it as I am pretty much out to everyone and don't think anyone will make a fuss over it. I know my soldiers in the rear d would have my back. Many of them said things like "hey man, we all are in rear d because we have issues, you're still our boy." Pronouns aside, I was happy to hear that.

Like I said the depression is still there. I am confused still as I don't remember being this depressed as a kid. Before my step mom came into the picture I would pray to god that I woke up as a girl, but I was soo young. When she came into my life she put me to bed saying "sleep tight snow white." Maybe somehow this helped ease my depression as a kid. IDK. Anywho yea.

[Sally24]

I empathize with the depression. I've suffered from the curl up in bed kind of depression most of my life. When it hits its hard to feel like being constructive. It usually passes and you move on.

As far as gender issues hitting you later in life, pretty common. I had my thoughts about it since I was 12 or so but never really did anything but fantasize. It wasn't until I turned 50 and started exploring that I found it went much deeper than I ever suspected. Hold onto the fact that you are so young and you live in the 21st century. There are so many options available to you! Get free of the military. They are great but will not be able to help you with this. Once you get away from that once a month enforced maleness I think you will feel better. Just hold on and things will get better.

[Starling]

...When she came into my life she put me to bed saying "sleep tight snow white."...

Made me cry, soldier.

:) Lallie

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Made me cry, soldier.

:) Lallie

that meant so much to me as a kid, I have been looking for stencils to paint it on my wall in glow in the dark paint in my bedroom. My step mom and my mom have always been the two most special people in the world to me. My hero's.

[Nicole Erin]

I see what the real issue is -
being in the military, someone else is controlling your life and you don't have full ability to live as YOU need to. Once you are out, you can go full forward with transition. Once i was divorced, I realised I could finally do what I needed to be happy. I don't have this femme body or this "normal" life as a woman, but I enjoy what I can.

Also, about gettinmg depressed later in life, that is normal. With wanting to transition, most of us wish we could have started or done something sooner. Very few are fortunate enough to do this when the time is ideal (biologically) which is around puberty. But just remember - today is the first day of the rest of your life. Do what you can with what you have.