Father is never going to understand

[Katelyn B]

So,

Am spending the weekend with my parents at their house which means being in drab the whole time, which in itself is getting me down a little, They don't know anything about this side of my life, certainly not the extent to which I spend time as a woman.

Any how, was watching the tele with my father and an advert came on for "My Transexual Summer" (an upcoming channel 4 documentary about 7 transitioning transexuals) and he couldn't wait till the end of the advert to comment

".... bloody freaks, will be giving that one a miss...."

Which has just left me really sad as I've given some serious thought recently to coming out to them, but this just makes me think that would be a catastrophic idea now.

Sorry to complain, just feeling a little down

/Katie

[KimberlyS]

Katie, my father said similar things through the years when something similar was on. Of course it was usually some dingbat in the news because of some criminal act which did not help. A year ago I came to my parents, brother and sister. Not much has changed as they now know but we do not talk about the subject. When I told them I said I was open to questions when ever they wanted to ask. My sister and mom have said a few things to me but do not expect it to be a talked about subject. I figure at least they know and I am not having to hide it from them. Guess at least now they know why I got my ears pierced.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Katie. Sometimes to accept ourselves we need to be accepted by others and seek their approval and love without asking ourselves whether they are capable of giving it. Regardless of our age we are all children to someone and these people usually have tremendous power to hurt us and a willingness to use it so they do not have to confront their own fears.

Your brief description of your father sounds like someone who would hurt you instead of changing his distorted view of what is normal or abnormal because he must in his own fear of being reminded of and feeling those times when he was helpless and vulnerable act like a unfeeling machine that is impervious to pain and he will attack anyone with words or fists who appears weak in his eyes to avoid this. Many people live in great fear of their own minds and so seek to control others to keep these fears suppressed.

Our fears can be as much our friends and keep us safe as they can be are enemies and keep us from living. Wisdom is the outcome of learning to tell the difference. Choose carefully who you give the power to hurt you because most people are not worth it.

[sanderlay]

Sometimes it's wise not to stir the pot and tread carefully in a relationship. Coming out right now to him would not be my choice either. But saying your Father will never understand says to me that your not willing to try. But keep in mind you only have your parents for a short time. Try to make the best of it. Someday you'll only have memories and you won't be able to speak to them and hear a reply.

In time... perhaps with another family member... you could come out to them. I hope you get that opportunity. But for now... look past the negativity... and enjoy their better qualities.

[Sophie86]

I cannot tell you all the racist comments my dad--born and raised in Alabama--has made in the past. When my older sister recently revealed to him that she was in love with a black man and they would be living together, though, he completely took it. He's never said a bad word about the guy, and I believe he's even come to approve of him. (He also adjusted to having a gay grandson, and either his eyesight has failed, or he's refrained from commenting on the slow disappearance of my body hair.) Your mileage may vary, but parents can surprise you.

[Rachel Flowers]

What Sophie says is very much what I thought when I read your post too, Katie.

Parallel: there's some physiological research that shows men who self-identify as homophobic have a stronger erectile response to homosexual images than "straight" men who identify as tolerant or than "straight" women. It occurs to me that there's a (small, I guess) chance that your Dad is actually suppressing unconscious urges of his own which bursts out in such statements. (After all, you must have go the genes from somewhere, right? ::wink::)

Add to that, he has lived his life surrounded by people who express such opinions and will have likely done the human thing and conformed to the opinions of his peers.

A third ray of hope is that he was watching Channel 4 - preciously the closest thing UK TV had to The Guardian....

Health Warning: I am not telling you your Dad is ready to swap makeup tips with you, odds are he never will be, but your happiness and your ability to share yourself honestly with those closest to you will depend to the largest extent not on their unpromptedly expressing the view that they wouldn't mind if you were a CD, (V unlikely to happen, right?) but on your inner confidence and belief that their love for you is stronger than any shallow received prejudices they may have. It must feel awful to be sat there when he says something like that, but it really doesn't tell you anything at all about how he would react if/when you decided to come out to him.

[Eryn]

Boiled down to the basics, will outing yourself to your Dad be of advantage to either of you? If not, then the secret should remain that way.

OTOH, glib statements do not always reflect a person's true point of view. My father made some racist statements yet had friends of those same ethnic groups. He told the story of being on a jury where there was strong evidence of guilt. As they entered the jury room one of the other jurors said "let's convict this G**d*** Mexican so we can go home!" They took a vote and my father voted for acquittal. When the other jurors asked him why he said "If I'm going to vote for conviction it'll be because the evidence says he's guilty, not because he is a Mexican." He made them take the time to go over the evidence and come to a proper verdict. Pretty odd attitude for someone who was superficially a racist!

[stacycoral]

Katie, i know i could not tell my parents there both in their 80'sand this is not something that is proper from the way they grew up. I love my parents too much, to show them my female side which i love, Katie i know how you feel, because i wish i could let them know how much i love being a women, i know it is the best thing not to tell them. on a different matter could anyone tell me how to change from a avaitor to a real picture when posting, Katie take care, and enjoy being a girl

[Katelyn B]

Thank you so much for all your replies,

I realise it was a flippant comment made in haste, and it isn't as if he doesn't have a history of such comments. He's not a bad person, he just has that casual 'ist' attitude (racist, sexist, etc) that people of a certain age seem to have (he's 60). I don't think he *really* means it, its just so much is outside what he's experienced in life he falls back on the attitudes that were around when he was young. I think the comment upset me because I'm at a point in my life where I want to be more open with my family about who I am. I don't live particularly close, its a 2 1/2 hour drive, so what I get up to day to day is completely separate from my parents and sister, and it feels like when I go home I'm lying, and I'd like that to not be the case.

Looking at it objectively, there is a part of me that doesn't want to tell him, because so much of our relationship is based on me being his son. I have a sister and looking at how we were both treated by him growing up its clear there was a strict gender role separation. I was the one who went shooting with him, canoing, archery, mountain biking etc, he didn't really do anything with my sister, she got to spend time with mum cooking and doing crafts (I was so jealous of that). He also combines my achievements with me being his son.

For example, he always says things like "my son the doctor" (I have a PhD), or "thats my boy". I know its a stereotype, and I know he is genuinely proud of me, but it just seems entwined with me being his son and I have no idea what telling him I really wish I was his daughter would do to our relationship. So on some level I guess I don't want to take away how he sees me, and aside from his attitude towards what he considers abnormal, we do have a good relationship.

I do wonder sometimes if there isn't an air of overcompensation in the way he behaves, there are many instances from my childhood that would have given him pause for though, he never actually caught me in any of my sisters cloths, but he did in my mums shoes once.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm not sure how he'd make the mental switch to seeing my in a different light, his relationship with my sister and I, even know we're both adults, is very different, and I'm not sure I'd want to have the relationship with him that my sister has.

Alas he isn't a closet Guardian reader, we were watching a repeat of Grand Designs on more 4 (my choice), he'd have been much happier watching something on the Discovery Channel.

I know its impossible to really judge what reaction he'd have to me telling him, and I'd like to think that when confronted with something he actually had to deal with, he'd do so properly, but that time isn't now I feel.

Once again, thanks for all your replies, I feel this response though has turned into a rambling mess, so very sorry.

/Katie

XX

[stacycoral]

Katie, you spoke from your heart, i hope you can find some joy in what you said, i know it is hard thing to talk about i really understand as i also have a little sister and know what your talking about the gender role, at less we can tell our sisters here how we feel, it is good to hear other girls having ideas on the subject. take care of you girl be proud of yourself, it is very hard tobe a cd sometimes, but it is worth it. stacy