Do I wish I was female...

[Amanda Ellis]

I'm not very passable, although I was somewhat blessed in the hips department, which was really noticeable back when I was 145 lbs (I'm 5'9). I loved it and I got lots of attention from men and women.
Still I don't think of myself as that feminine (I can certainly play the masculine role) but it often feels just that, a role. But back when I was slimmer and more presentable as a Cd I would get confused - which one is the role, masculine or feminine?
There was this one time I was dressed in woman's slacks, heels, a cami and a woman's suit jacket and I managed to do my make-up somewhat okay and this wave of euphoria came over me. I don't know why that particular outfit did it, but I felt so intensely feminine and I wanted to stay that way, it felt so comfortable and pleasant. I didn't wear that outfit out, but I've worn some pretty short skirts to clubs and I've always been able to walk really well in heels, yet I've never felt as feminine and natural as I did that time I dressed at home.
I've had a few similar moments to that one but not as intense, although I did love the feeling, it was the most calm I've ever felt.
As a Cder from a young age with TS thoughts from an even younger age I, like so many here, wrestled with embracing and repressing my feminine desires.
Once I became a teenager I chased girls like all the other boys, although not nearly as aggressively, but not because I wasn't interested, just because It wasn't my nature. Again like so many here I wanted them, but I also wanted to be them.
Now that I'm forty I find myself wondering, do I wish I'd let myself pursue my feminine side more? I always felt I was honest with myself but now I feel like I've repressed a lot more than I was willing to admit.

[Alice Torn]

It is human to be conflicted, and so much more so, for us CD's!We walk the line between being masculine men, and feminine men/women. Society, especially macho society is not comfortable with us. Some women despise us. We walk a very lonely road. Did you get hit on where you went out? I still don't have the courage to go to a gay bar, though i want to.

[Amanda Ellis]

You're right Louise - that's what has always held me back, being TG can be a lonely road. I always told myself this will pass once I get married, but I never married because I wanted to Cd and wanted to be free sexually.But the that lead to...
Yes I've been hit on by men lots in gay bars and at fetish nights while dressed and also at the beach or in a coffee house in drab (I wore pretty short shorts and shaved my legs, I've always had nice legs). I've always loved how feminine it made me feel and I loved flirting. But again I never let things go too far because I told myself I'm not into men. I regret it now, I wish I'd let myself explore my sexuality more.
So go out and have fun, you'll be welcomed, you'll make friends, GGs will want to give you make-up tips and for a brief period you'll like you're part of a community and not stuck on a lonely road.

[CallieH]

Thank you for sharing your story Amanda. Once we resolve the conflict within regarding what we are, and what we like, the path forward becomes much clearer. Here's wishing you all the best on your journey, we are all here for support in many ways, feel free to drop a line if you have any questions or anything to share!

[Kaz]

You are in a good place... so many people don't even begin to think about this stuff and conform to their stereotypes. Enjoy being outside the box... it is a very good place to be!

But it is challenging! I am happy to understand that I am neither male nor female in my head... I am a mix. My body is male, but I have always wanted to be female from my early teens... Once I became Dad with the usual role... I ignored my female side and tried to do what genetics and society had decreed... Later in life I want to realise who I am both professionally/workwise and personally. This is so important to me. I am not going to come out at work...but I am working certain issues!

[AnitaH]

I find I am also very much in the same boat as you are. Although a bit older only now am I aware of how I repressed and suppressed my feminine needs. I am now trying to figure out what this all means to me in an honest way. I guess that's all that we can do at this stage is to be honest with ourselves. With that honesty comes some sense of peace and wholeness.

AnitaH

[MackenzieMarigold]

I'm very much the same.

Me though, I don't WISH I was female. But I think I really am on the inside. It's a constant war between showing a boy, or the potential of being a girl. A lifetime of suppressed misery, or the slim chance at bliss. Most days I love being different, but others I hate myself and think I'm some monster for it. But when I try to suppress my female side, I feel empty, and it makes me want to die. Would I go back and change history so I was born female? Yes, in a heartbeat. But I can't. I was born male and regardless of what I do, I'll always be a genetic male.

So I'm JUST ME! I won't be able to afford SRS or FFS or any of that stuff, not anytime soon anyway. And you know what? I don't care. If it makes me a "freak" as some TS have called me, then I'm a freak. Yeah I have the parts of a boy, but does it honestly makes me that much less female ON THE INSIDE? I can't afford it, which is understandable. Would I love to get SRS? Yeah, but I can't so I don't let it bother me.

So if I'm not being ME, then I'm empty. So I'll just be me because that's all I know how to do. And if it makes me a boy, or a girl, or a freak, or a tranny, or whatever someone wants to call me, then call me it, because all I can call it is me.

[Daphne Renee]

I certainly understand where you coming from. I have thought about the what ifs from time to time. Many times I feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. The what ifs never get us anywhere. We just have to live our lives as best we can and try to enjoy it.

[Contessa]

I feel I am in some kind of a dream world, everybody writing or typing and or thinking like me. am I in some kind of nether world. What are my true sentiments, I almost don't have to type them cause I keep reading them. And their not being written by the person, either young or older we just about have the same thoughts.

I am a cd or Cder I know now. I am also a non transitioning transsexual. Here is my reason why. I am a man who loves women and loves being like them. I like their style you might say. I want to show them I am very fond of them, some will agree some won't. But I still will like it wearing all everything that gives that feeling I like(love). I'm a girl all the time I just look like a boy.

[KrystalA]

If I had a dollar for every time I've wished I was female, I'd be quite wealthy. On the other hand, I enjoy being a male. Oh, what a tangled web I've weaved.

[drag n fly]

I guess








I guess I'm just a little different than the rest of us here..I'd like to be castrated and take a little estrogen, just to be a little more feminine (ok, maybe a lot more feminine). I want to be rid of this male hormonal drive, and become a softer, kinder, more girly person..I'd like my little penis to become a little tassel / handle for peeing only...There's a doctor in Cleveland who performs orchietomies for about two thousand dollars...I've been seriously contemplating making the trip...Meanwhile, I sit here in my satin nightie reading all this wonderful stuff, and dreaming....Smooches Jackie

[noeleena]

Hi,

What i am seeing is the same western thinking . we are not allowed to be who we are, the hiding being oppressed put down , & the oh no you cant be or do that. why because some one comes along & says we cant.

so whats thier agender, whats lurking in side of them yet what we dont see go on behind closed doors , too many people are depressed oppressed have lots more issue's & bloody unhappy . gee not much of a life then is it,

Problem is we think to much & not enough do , time came for myself to stop the thinking get on with the do part.
what happened no depresson no oppresson i wonder why, because i went out told people this is who i am, im not hideing away ,my life is worth more than being a closed shop.

You know when we stop the acting , we funny as we get a life & have a life that works, the snid remarks if any or the talking is over , you know the seven day wonder, life must go on why wait .

Okay we have to each of us come to that our selfs & at the right time, if not we die,

I dont or cant be bothered about the (((why do we have to pass,)))

i dont pass or blend in & quite frankly i dont wont to now , because i have more fun enjoy who i am as a person . yeap people look at me because im different, if i was normal oh what a dead loss, nothing would be different would it,

I disliked how i looked 54 years ago. i wont say i dislike my looks in the same way now, oh well cant have every thing so its made up with other things about my self that more than makes up for my lack. & being different ,
over the last 16 years has sure been interesting a time in my life im glad i went through, & its been more than worth it, yea i know im weird , yet this is a good time of my life,

Have i changed , in many ways yes yet i have grown as well self worth confident & assured in my self as a person . not perfect , far from that, may be another way to look at things ,

...noeleena...

[deebra]

40 is not that old , you can have a second chance at what you didn't pursue. Get back to 140, do exercises to firm your butt, legs and stomach; wear the outfit that turned you on, go out in fem and try what you didn't try earlier.

[lady di]

yes i do want to be female but i am afraud to do it so i will happy to be the girly boy i am

[Acastina]

Now that I'm forty I find myself wondering, do I wish I'd let myself pursue my feminine side more? I always felt I was honest with myself but now I feel like I've repressed a lot more than I was willing to admit.

I'm on the far side of sixty and still asking that question every day. Goes with the territory of who we are and what we do. I wrote a song 35 years ago with a couple of lines that still sum up my approach to the dilemma:

Sometimes right up the middle
Is the only way to go
Sometimes you gotta work on the riddle
And sometimes let it go
And wishing something just to be
Don't ever make it so
Sometimes you gotta work on the riddle
And sometimes let it go

[cdsara]

I have always wished I could be a female, I was told I was supposed to be a girl when I was born so maybe thats why I am this way. Even though I would give about anything to be a women turning into one now is not an option. So that leaves me with what now? I guess I will have to figure out how to be the women that is inside while still be the husband on the outside!

[Tara D. Rose]

I don't really wish i was female, but if i was or if I had been born a female, my life would have been so mouch easier and so much less complicated. The red carpet of life would have just rolled out for me , and it may have been tough, I know that I would have had a much more pleasant life than i have had as a male.



..................yeah I know, yeah I know,,,,yeah, uh uhn yes I know
my only heartaches that i could reacall today had I been born female would that I wouldn't be able to spell Tara in my Campbells' alphabet soup, ,,,,like if I couldn't find the "T" in the soup, and og my GOD life is so hard for girls.

[sissystephanie]

I have been a crossdresser for over 70 years! In all that time, I do not recall one time when I did wish that I was a female! Yes, I do love to wear feminine clothes, and do so almost every day! But I wear them because I love the fit, feel, and look of them and for no other reason. Since my wife passed away, I no longer wear makeup or a wig when I go out in public dressed enfemme! So obviously I do not pass!! But I do still go out dressed completely enfemme!! But I am a man wearing feminine clothes!!

[sanderlay]

As a bi-gender or two-spirited person I can relate to your story in many ways. There is a part of me that if I woke up tomorrow morning as a GG, genetic girl, I would not want to go back. And yet for over fifty years I have played the part of a male. I'm fairly comfortable in that role and have learned to blend with other males. But it is not the REAL me. I have suppressed the feminine inside and she keeps coming to the surface. She does not want to be denied and has expressed herself in clothing, in mannerisms, in thinking... etc...

So we came to an agreement that she could show herself to the world through me. And so now I dress to the world in a mix of feminine and masculine clothing. I pierced my ears and ware silver earrings and a silver butterfly necklace. To me the butterfly represents my transformation.

After coming out to my friends and my family members I found I was accepted by them. It was quite a relief to find this support. Going out in public isn't completely smooth as some stare or smirk as I walk past them... but they are not my problem or my issue. It's the smiles by many women and a few men who seem to appreciate my honesty and courage.

Society may not be up to speed in understanding why I present as both male and female with a GM, genetic male, body. I'm still learning about myself as well. I will not wait for society to say... "it's OK." I'm only here for a short time and I will pursue my happiness and convey my story to others who will hear it.

[Alice Torn]

I think if i had to do it all over, I may well choose to be a girl. My life has been stark, and painful. I n great mental and emotional pain, being rejected and misunderstood, and on jobs i despised, being a blue collar low income unwanted, ineligible bachelor my whole life. As a girl, i would have been in demand, just the opposite. But, I will remain conflicted, as that is my lot in life.

[Anna Lorree]

I won't say I want to be female. Rather, I describe my desire as wanting to match. My body is male, but my mind is a mix of male and female thoughts, desires and tendencies. Even my body language is a mix of both sides. That said, I have always resented the male role that society has imposed on me just because I can father children. So, how to match? I can make my body more feminine, but I know of no way to masculinise my mind. And that, my dear reader, is why I live as I do. I feel a need to try to match my body to my mind. I can't figure out how to think more masculine (I tried from 1993 until 2008), so I must feminize my body and lifestyle. This brings me balance.

Anna

[Ressie]

Amanda, you didn't put a question mark at the end, so subconsciously you made a statement; Do I wish I was female...

Maybe I'm overanalyzing? Anyway, I think it's wonderful that we can express ourselves like this and get support from each other. If we were brought up in an environment where it was OK to dress in women's clothes and have fem gestures would we have as many personal, gender conflicts? It's a rhetorical question, yet something to think about.

[Launa]

I've felt the same way over the years. Now I'm going for it and dressing more often and exploring my femme side, there will be more outings as time goes by. But I want to respect my wife's feelings as well so I'm trying to take a slow pace. I like being male. I just wish I had been born male or female without any of these tendancies. Its funny theres 7 billion people in the world and we have to hide this side of ourselves cause people are judgemental about something so petty.

[Jynx]

Being a real woman sucks because you have period, but being a real man you have to take responsibility on everything. So in my opinion, male to female cross dressing is the way to go !

Off-topic: there was a time in a supermarket, I buy a bag of rice for my mum after paying, I tried to lift up my bag of rice with one hand because my other hand is still holding some changes, however I failed to lift up that thing and the guy behind me helped me and lifted it up with one hand so easy, I was like so embarrassed -.-"

[Melissa.Lynn88]

I don't wish I was female. I really enjoy being able to feel feminine, dress in pretty clothes and wear makeup when I feel the need but at the end of the day I enjoy my life as a guy. I feel like crossdressing has allowed me to have the best of both worlds.

~~Melissa~~

[Vicktoria]

I was reading your first post on this conversation Amanda and it was like some one was telling my life story. Everything you said is totally true especially the rollercoaster ride of wether to be a woman. I go out clubbing once a month and have lots of great friends that support me and now every time i go out i look like a very conviencing girl. The only problem i have is my voice, i can't seem to be able to sound like a women.
I've also found that its mostly bitchy women that have a problem with me but ive been told plenty of times its because of my figure because like you Amanda i have also been blessed with my hips & legs.
xx
Vikki

Go easy on me this is my first time :twirl:

[Marlana]

Right on MackenzieMarigold! I feel exactly the same as you. Discussed this very topic with my therapist and didn't come up with any answers.

[Aprilrain]

I'll always be a genetic male.

So I'm JUST ME! I won't be able to afford SRS or FFS or any of that stuff, not anytime soon anyway. And you know what? I don't care. If it makes me a "freak" as some TS have called me, then I'm a freak. Yeah I have the parts of a boy, but does it honestly makes me that much less female ON THE INSIDE? I can't afford it, which is understandable. Would I love to get SRS? Yeah, but I can't so I don't let it bother me.

To the people who say "you will always be a GM" I say PROVE IT!

Mackenzie you are young, time is on your side! If you want SRS and FFS then work towards that. It is not uncommon for TS as young as yourself to have to work, scrimp and save for 10 years to be able to afford to transition. In fact most young people TS or not take that long to get their shit together! of course if you resign your self to "can't" at (how old are you? 19?) then yeah, you will never get it because you have already given up.

You are female on the inside if you say you are, who are we to argue that? However if you want the rest of the world to play along it's on you to let them know.

Please don't give up on the TS forum because of a few cranky old bats! There is a lot of support there and if you can handle the abuse there the real world is easy! : P

[Aprilrain]

I want to be rid of this male hormonal drive, and become a softer, kinder, more girly person..I'd like my little penis to become a little tassel / handle for peeing only...There's a doctor in Cleveland who performs orchietomies for about two thousand dollars...I've been seriously contemplating making the trip...Meanwhile, I sit here in my satin nightie reading all this wonderful stuff, and dreaming....Smooches Jackie


Can't say I blame you however I would strongly advise you to seek out a qualified gender therapist befor making any permanent changes to your body. It is quite a shock to ones system to go from full on male hormones to 0 T in a day. You can achieve the same results with anti androgens and estrogen.

The big question I have for you is: do you want to be female or just more feminine? The HBSOC do allow for the administration of hormone therapy to individuals who are not planing on a full transition. I would try this route first and if you like the results then you can get the Orchie.

[Aprilrain]

Being a real woman sucks because you have period, but being a real man you have to take responsibility on everything.

Wow! Right cause woman have no reason or accountability! How old are you? Like 100?

So you took responsibility for keeping house and raising children? Ya know cause males usually do that!

Whatever dude!

[Amanda Ellis]

Amanda, you didn't put a question mark at the end, so subconsciously you made a statement; Do I wish I was female...

Maybe I'm overanalyzing? Anyway, I think it's wonderful that we can express ourselves like this and get support from each other. If we were brought up in an environment where it was OK to dress in women's clothes and have fem gestures would we have as many personal, gender conflicts? It's a rhetorical question, yet something to think about.

Not subconsciously Dee hence the ellipsis, I wasn't sure where I was going with it, talk about confused. But thank you for your input.

[Amanda Ellis]

I was reading your first post on this conversation Amanda and it was like some one was telling my life story. Everything you said is totally true especially the rollercoaster ride of wether to be a woman. I go out clubbing once a month and have lots of great friends that support me and now every time i go out i look like a very conviencing girl. The only problem i have is my voice, i can't seem to be able to sound like a women.
I've also found that its mostly bitchy women that have a problem with me but ive been told plenty of times its because of my figure because like you Amanda i have also been blessed with my hips & legs.
xx
Vikki

Go easy on me this is my first time :twirl:

Don't worry about the bitchy women Vikki - you're right they're just jealous. But there are plenty of GGs out there (and it sounds like you've met them) that love to help us explore our girly side.
If you wish to sound more feminine try talking from the top of your mouth not the back of your throat. I don't know if that makes sense but honestly once you get the hang of it it's not that hard, you can chat as a girl and not even think about it. In fact not trying too hard will help you relax your voice. Just a tip, hope it helps.

[Veronica Lodge]

Yes I wish I was female. But it's not even wishing...it's more of a need & desperate yearning. It has been a feeling I have had since I was a little boy.

I am the youngest of 5 boys so I feel that I was probably meant to be female...but it all got mixed up.

I enjoy being male at times, but I know it's not the real me. It's like a disguise that I have to wear for work & family. But the disguise is wearing thin and isn't doing the job it once did. I had real problems dealing with that as a teenager and young man.

But it was liberating when I realized who I actually am and I have made long range plans for my inevitable transition. It's the planning that brought me to this wonderful board. I have learned so much and so enjoy reading posts from other posters like myself.

Wow This thread title seems like such a simple question...but the answer is so hard too articulate. Please pardon my english, it is my second language.

[Anna Lorree]

Yes I wish I was female. But it's not even wishing...it's more of a need & desperate yearning. It has been a feeling I have had since I was a little boy.

I am the youngest of 5 boys so I feel that I was probably meant to be female...but it all got mixed up.

I enjoy being male at times, but I know it's not the real me. It's like a disguise that I have to wear for work & family. But the disguise is wearing thin and isn't doing the job it once did. I had real problems dealing with that as a teenager and young man.

But it was liberating when I realized who I actually am and I have made long range plans for my inevitable transition. It's the planning that brought me to this wonderful board. I have learned so much and so enjoy reading posts from other posters like myself.

Wow This thread title seems like such a simple question...but the answer is so hard too articulate. Please pardon my english, it is my second language.

Veronica,

Your written English is fine, I would not have known it was your second language if you had not told us so.

Anna

[Acastina]

I am the youngest of 5 boys so I feel that I was probably meant to be female...but it all got mixed up.



Veronica-

As I have written elsewhere (in the thread "your SO wants you to stop), there is research (see, e.g.: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fraternal_birth_order_and_male_sexual_orientation; the discussion is more about sexual orientation there, but the underlying research also found results for TG) that suggests that second and subsequent sons of mothers who have multiple sons are more likely to be TG. I'm a third son, and my parents were hoping for a girl. I exhibited TG behaviors very young. Birth order might make an interesting thread.

[Marleena]

Amanda, It sounds like you have the pink fog. Dressing completely is the ultimate in CDing.:daydreaming: I know exactly what you mean. I'm enjoying the femme side as much as I can. Why fight it?:love:

If you're talking transitioning that's a huge step, that requires heavy thinking, and researching. Where we go with this is a personal decision.

[Veronica Lodge]

Veronica-

As I have written elsewhere (in the thread "your SO wants you to stop), there is research (see, e.g.: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fraternal_birth_order_and_male_sexual_orientation; the discussion is more about sexual orientation there, but the underlying research also found results for TG) that suggests that second and subsequent sons of mothers who have multiple sons are more likely to be TG. I'm a third son, and my parents were hoping for a girl. I exhibited TG behaviors very young. Birth order might make an interesting thread.

Thanks for the interesting link, Acastina.

There may just something too that. When my mother passed away, my father gave us each the journal she kept for our birth years. Until that point I didn't even have a clue that my Mom kept her thoughts on paper throughout her entire life. She recorded how excited she was about being pregnant again...and made numerous mentions of how much she wanted a girl after all the boys. After I was born she beamed as a happy mother would and never mentioned it again in that journal. Needless too say I have re-read those pages hundreds of times.

Thx again.

[stacycoral]

I
I am a cd or Cder I know now. I am also a non transitioning transsexual. Here is my reason why. I am a man who loves women and loves being like them. I like their style you might say. I want to show them I am very fond of them, some will agree some won't. But I still will like it wearing all everything that gives that feeling I like(love). I'm a girl all the time I just look like a boy.

Amanda, i know what your feeling, when i was in my teens i wish i would wake up as a girl, but that never happen, i love dressing, but i love my family first,i guess if i would have been agirl life would have been alot different, i visited with a gg back then she told me that a girls life is not that easy, i know having daughters of my own, to see what they go through and deal with it is majorly different.so i guess my days of dreaming of be a hot sexy women is gone, but i can't stop dressing because i do love the feel ot being a women part of the time, later

[EllieOPKS]

Amanda me and you are polar opposites. I cross dress because I like to, I don't need to. Neither of us are wrong. When you look back you understand your suppressed feelings. With the knowledge you have today you just have to ask yourself what makes me the happiest and then point your ship in that direction. I'm no expert, its just my thoughts. I try and live by that thought process with one caveat and that being 1st and foremost do no harm to others. Best to you.
Ellie