Not today!

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi All!

Yesterday my wife got real passionate and frisky. It continued this morning and of coarse I would get an erection almost immediately. When it came right down to doing anything that's when everything stopped. She could not continue even though she really wanted to because of the hair removed from my body. I no way could I be a man in that respect with out hair on my legs, chest, belly, privates, upper arms. Shoot I did not know how hairy my hands and arms were until I stopped working around torches and welders. My hair was always getting burnt off from the heat of cutting metal or welding. I understand what she is saying that she married a man, but there is more to being a man than hair, nails, penis, and balls. I did not say that, yet I wanted too. I just held her as she cried and told her I still loved her. Luckily my first wife used sex as a way to get what she wanted so we might not have had relations or speak for as long as 6 months, which was fine with me because she was mean afterwards, and she wondered why our marriage failed. Any who just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening!

Hugs

[Sharon]

Try to look at all this from your wife's eyes. You have had the advantage of dealing with your transsexuality for much longer than she has. You also likely internalize most of your feelings about every facet of your transsexuality while she only knows what it is by what you are capable of adequately describing to her. She can not understand why you are the way you are and what drives you, and she never will no matter how she ultimately reacts to everything.

[Sara Jessica]

And remember what drives her, that she married a man. No newsflash here, our changes are often something that can be extraordinarily difficult for our SO's to get their heads around. And it's the MAN she is attracted to.

The body modifications you are describing which further your feminine self-image go far to destroy the masculine image she is attracted to. And this hurts. Add to the mix a SO's awareness of one's TS nature being at the heart of the whole thing and you wonder why significant gender issues aren't so conducive with marriage.

I speak from a position of experience in what you describe. The body hair, she is a bit "meh" about. My facial electrolysis, no issue here, I could never grow anything worthwhile there anyways. But my long hair she HATES with a passion. It is not something she is getting used to, she wants it gone as strongly as I wish to keep it. My point being is that I am in the process of destroying the masculine image that was a significant part of the entire package she fell in love with. God willing, this whole thing won't destroy our marriage in the process.

[Chari]

It is understandable that there are issues for both of you, but please consider more communication to establish stronger "lines of acceptance" for both sides that will be comfortable and give respect. As you stated you are "still the man she married" with or without the male attributes, but a good relationship needs input from BOTH sides. Ask her, and tell her your needs too.

[Aprilrain]

Trisha and Sara, This is a tough place you find your selves in. Basically being forced to choose between a loved one's ideas about manhood and being true to your selfs which I assume is and internal desire to be female. It sounds unworkable to me but im kind of a pessimist. I hope you can make it work for YOU. IDK i guess I never got the "man" role in relationships and always found myself reeling when "she" had expectations based on my physical sex! Its clear to me now that any relationship between myself (internally heterosexual female, maybe a little bi) and another woman (heterosexual, with expectations that I "be a man") was doomed to fail. DUH!

I find myself in an interesting twist of fate! My BF is a CDer. Its NOT why I like him. There are so many other things about him that are great that I accept the CDing. I knew from the get go so no feelings of betrayal. He is currently in a place where he feels the need to fight it so I don't really ever see it which is fine with me BUT! I know how this works. Its not going away and the more one fights the further the pendulum swings! Even though it's not something I want to participate in I go out of my way to let him know that its OK, he should do it if he feels he needs to. He was totally shaved when I met him so that is not an issue for me. He seems like the same guy with body hair or not. He hasn't saved his body hair in a while so it has all come back. I kinda like it but whatever, its just hair! Its his body and if he wants to shave it that is his prerogative. I would have to draw the line at full time dressing and or transitioning. I want to be with a man not a woman. I would accept that our paths had diverged and I hope id be able to be supportive of his/her decision however I have needs and those can't be filled by a woman (no pun intended : P) I would hope we could part ways amicably. These are not idle thought BTW I guess a few years ago he did take hormones for a couple of months. I don't think transition was his goal but still taking hormones come dangerously close to flirting with the idea! I feel for him I know what its like to be tormented.

[Starling]

...I feel for him I know what its like to be tormented.

Wouldn't it be grand if everyone had a gut knowledge of how gender dysphoria felt, without actually having it? The empathy quotient would go way up. I'm sure this is true of many other conditions and states of being as well, such as nationalities and physical handicaps.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

so true.........................

[Kelsy]

Trisha

It is possible for your wife to adjust and learn to accept you as you are but it is a difficult process and a large percent of
marriages fail because of this. In many instances the partner begins to question her own sexuality and that is very upsetting
and disorienting. My wife has over time adjusted to my changes and is now very supportive. She was relieved of the
stress of holding a secret after I came out. I told her that she could be as honest with the truth about me with whoever
see needed to be. In fact I told everyone I have come out to that there is no secret here. That has freed her to express her
feelings to her friends and family. She has become my advocate and defends me if someone gives me any grief. I think It has
turned out that because I was open when we met and told her everything I knew about myself before we got married she was never
caught off guard. slowly as I changed she has grown accustomed to me. I am no longer the person she met but our relationship has evolved.
Transition can cause irreparable damage to some relationships and I have had my share of extreme disappointments. I truly hope that you can
work things out.


Kelsy

[*Vanessa*]

Hi Trisha -
I wonder just how long it will be before this thread also gets trashed...

My thoughts
- You can not control how other people think or feel
- You didn't start out your life as you live it now (proof that point one is true)
- If your marriage ends will ... it ends
- You and your wife are on a emotional roller-coaster and will be for sometime.
- Have you thought that maybe you are not the issue? Maybe there are hidden issues yet to talk about and you have become the beast of burden?
- April is talking some pretty cool stuff here, try hear it.

I think you maybe leaving a few thinking out of this 'vent' that you really should be considering as being vary relevant to your marriage and future.

I don't think you are talking Husband versus Transsexual versus wife. At least what you have said here and in prior posts. What you are talking about are only reactions to how you feel and what you say. At this juncture is where the meat of the argument is. Stop, think and write about what surrounds and supports that argument. I know you will come to different conclusions and I am not Clairvoyant.

You don't have to be Transsexual, Transgendered or a Cross-dresser or have both arms and legs for this to make sense.

[Eryn]

I am certainly puzzled about how women fawn over men with obviously shaved bodies and then get upset when their own men want to be smooth as well. Go to Google Images, search on "Male Hunk" and you're presented with hundreds of photos of men, none of whom have any body hair at all. Obviously, women find something attractive about shaved male bodies as people like Cameron Mathison, Mark Wahlberg, Taylor Lautner, Robert Downey, Jr., Matthew McConaughey, Daniel Craig, and Jesse Metcalf don't make big box office by appealing to men!

It might be that our SOs perceive the removal of their SOs body hair is a symbol of the loss of the man they knew and a harbinger of things to come. My wife said that it took her some time to get used to my not having body hair and more time for her to learn to enjoy it. Relations suffered for a while, more due to what was going on inside my head then hers, but they bounced back and are better than ever.

[ReineD]

I also cried when I touched my SO's face one morning just as we were waking up and it felt clean shaven. This was not long after her second laser session. I don't know why I cried. I knew she was getting the laser treatments and I could understand why. I was also supportive (for those who don't know me, she is not TS but considers herself to be dualgender).

Still, I cried. This was some years ago when there were many other changes and I remember feeling as if her maleness was going away. It just took time for me to get past that. But then, she is not transitioning, so I know that her maleness is still an important part of her. I've no idea how we would navigate transition should she ever discover she is TS. We can only cross that bridge when and if we get there.

Erin ... I've just had a look at the male hunks. I think the hairless look is acceptable to most women, because the hunks' bodies are just so male in other ways. If you removed the muscle (and other features) and inserted growing breasts, I don't think the average GG (who is not in a relationship with an established CD or TS) would go for it.

[Eryn]

Erin ... I've just had a look at the male hunks. I think the hairless look is acceptable to most women, because the hunks' bodies are just so male in other ways. If you removed the muscle (and other features) and inserted growing breasts, I don't think the average GG (who is not in a relationship with an established CD or TS) would go for it.

I agree. It doesn't seem to be the hair itself, it's the purpose behind the shaving. The SO sees shaving as a tangible step in a direction that she doesn't want her man to go and that is why she dislikes it.

If he had taken up bodybuilding rather than being TG she'd likely have no objection to his body being smooth and would in fact find his smooth body not only acceptable, but quite attractive, ala the "Male Hunks."

[*Vanessa*]

I am certainly puzzled about how women fawn over men with obviously shaved bodies and then get upset when their own men want to be smooth as well....

So true - It might be just simple stuff like; when we shave our bodies it becomes obvious that we are not anything close to looking like a Hunk (inject a little smile). I really think a lot of this basic stuff that conflicts our life is primal in nature. Then when we try explain what is happening we fall flat on our face with the latest and greatest physo-bable and totally missing our own point.

Crying - crying to me is cleansing. I like to cry and at times (at lot of times lately) I have no idea why. That type of crying is without voice, it is about hurt, pain and feeling the wetness on my face. Sometime when I cry I think it is because of loose, but after realize it is all for re-birth of self.

edit: I can't speak to S/O not liking a shaved body as mine like it, and I am no hunk..