telling my wife . keeping two selves

[barbara gordon]

Hello to All. I am not so good at posting so please bear with me ... This will be a long message - but please let me get it out .
I have been married for nearly 15 years . I have been dressing for at least twice that time . I Love my wife deeply and dearly . I have two kids . One of my kids is a 4 year old boy who likes to wear girls clothing sometimes . We are having some difficulty in our marriage and we have recently begun to see a marriage councilor together . the problems are not directly and visibly related to crossdressing . Nor did we seek counseling because of my disclosure to her .(?!) I want to make my marriage work.
I have ,recently over the past six months or so , begun to tell my wife about my dressing. it is very limited information to her , and it has been in very small doses. I was partly compelled to tell her because She has been so accepting of my son . I think that at first she was somewhat defensive of him - against what she may have thought was my disapproval . I did not disapprove of how my son has his own crossdressing habit , but I do not want him to have to carry a life long secret. I have never prevented him or from doing his dressing thing. the only restriction is that it must be IN the house only.

Finally after six months or so of my (very very limited)disclosure to my wife , She has told me that she does not like the fact that I like to wear women's clothing . She has also told me that she wants to get seperated . (I do not) . She has not linked her want to seperate with my dressing . But as you may guess...it may be a big part of our problem.
We have not had in depth discussions about my "secret" . but she asked me how long have I known - i do know the answer - but I could not admit to her yet that it has been a very long time .
I can write more and more about this but will hold off for now as this might be too long of a post.
But I have discovered lately in my own definition OF my self TO myself , that I do need the dual image of myself . One is a man and the other is a woman. I have no desire to become a fulltime woman . But can not feel good if I can not be able to switch back and forth .

I know that there a lot of different ideas in this post but I do not know how to pull them apart .
hope that some of you can respond Thanks for reading this.

[barbara gordon]

I want to make the point that I was partly inspired to tell my wife about my secret because She has been so good in accepting my sons behavior . But in no way will I hijack his experience .

[J'lyn GG]

DO you think your wife may want a separation because you are withholding a large part of who you are, from her? That's major. Or that she can't trust that you are telling her the truth when she asks questions? So, you've told her bits and pieces. ANd b/c you've only let her 'in on' bits and pieces, she can't reconcile her thoughts about things. When she asks questions of you, you need to tell her the truth. (the 'how long have you known' question) If she can't trust you to tell her the truth, the first time, every time, how can you expect her to make a life with you? If you are willing to put in the hard work, you can make it work. But, imo, you need to nip her resentment in the bud, now, before its too late.
BTW, just b/c your 4 yo likes to wear girls clothes sometimes, doesn't necessarily mean he is a cder. My 3 yo wears pink and purple dora pajamas and shirts. Why? B/c Dora is his favorite.

[kimdl93]

Marriages are complicated relationships. Adding CDing to an already strained relationship probably doesn't help. If your wife is inclined towards a separation, I think you need to explore the "why's" in counseling. And you will have to be up-front about your CDing - as you understand it today. That may or may not be a deal breaker, but at least you won't be accused of withholding or dishonesty if you are forthright about it.

The other advice I have is don't try to "fix" the relationship in one or two sesssions. In fact, don't go into these conversations with any set goals or expectations. Try to use them to understand what isn't working between the two of you and find out how you can learn to communicate with each other more effectively, regardless of how the relationship goes.

[DonniDarkness]

My best advice to give you is this: Communicate honestly and openly. If your marriage is on the rocks for other reasons then you need to address those first. The two of you will have to start over with each other if your both to gain trust and happiness back into your lives together.


I was partly compelled to tell her because She has been so accepting of my son .

No matter what her son does she will support him, it is maternal.

Supporting you in what you do is different, that comes conditionally, remember marriage is a partnership. You must both work together in love and understanding to make a meaningful existence together. Both of you need to figure out how to communicate together better than you ever have before.

If you truly love her and yourself, find a way to be open and honest with each other.

Keep Communicating,
-Donni-

[barbara gordon]

Thank you .
There are Lots of compound issues. not all necessarily related on the surface to crossdressing. For so many years it was a shameful secret . At some point in the past five years , as I began to understand it more I was becoming less and less ashamed of it .
I did realize though , that the information would (or could be)be a dangerous obstacle to my wife - and could destroy our marriage .

I decided several months ago that pure honesty was the only way to save things. I decided sometime over the past year that i MUST tell her about the crossdressing. . . In a way I was relieved to come to that point , but realistically , it is extremely difficult to actually do it .
I was and am still afraid to Dump it on her all at once . I think that she has some control over how it is discussed . I did not refuse to answer that question , but told her that I needed a little more time to answer that question . (sorry) . We are talking more now about Everything than we have been able to in several years .

I tell her parts and I wait for her to respond about it . Or I wait for her to ask for clarification about it. She asks questions sometimes after a few minutes or some times after a few days (or weeks) . When She is ready ..... I dont want to force this information on her , because I dont want her to turn her back on me, and slam the door... . We now have an open ongoing and very intense discussion that can not happen all at once. I am exhausted and She is exhausted . I have hope that it will work out .

I am painfully way far from perfect - but I am trying .

On this forum there are many suggestions on how to tell and when to tell etc. May be the best way is to tell on the first date . My do I wish that were possible , but it did not happen that way. Thank you for reading this.

[Dana7]

I agree with Kim about the need for pursuing counseling with one caveat--I agree with you Barbara that it has been wise to disclose your CDing to your wife gradually. I have heard lots of stories where the wife was presented with the shock of her life and could not adjust to it so she ended the relationship. Perhaps your child's crossdressing was a door for you to gradually disclose this side of yourself to your wife. And with a revelation of this kind, she will need time to adjust to your disclosures.

And as Kim has indicated, marriages are complicated relationships. I believe that counseling is imperative for hurting relationships to have a chance at healing. You do need to explore answers in counseling and I also agree that in all likelihood, your answers will take a while to work out.

If she wants to separate, then ask her to continue in counseling with you, and you can continue to discuss both the issues that are not related to CDing as well as the ones that are. I know that there can be many unrelated issues that taken together can really weigh a relationship down. I sincerely doubt that her love for you will evaporate just because you are going through marriage difficulties. And with communication, you can work out the differences.

Keep the lines of communication open. Be willing and flexible to work with her on finding answers and sharing your hearts with each other. Let her know how much you care for her in ways that she can appreciate. I recommend the book by marriage counselor Gary Chapman: "The Five Love Languages". You can find it here:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

Keep trying to work things out, I'll be praying for your relationship's healing.
:)

[suchacutie]

I'd like to add that those of us who came upon our transgendered natures with the help of our wives after many years of marriage put our wives on the same learning curve as ourselves. This process of maturing together in the idea that one of us is transgendered can be a much smoother process.

I say this as a preamble the fact that you have been living with yourself and your ideas for years, but your wife has not. She is bound to have a learning curve of her own, and if there are other problems it just gets harder. Being mindful of this situation is so important, but there is no short-circuiting the need for learning and time for thought and discussion.

I so hope it all works for both of you.

tina

[DonnaT]

I believe that a few sessions with a marriage counselor to get to the root of her issues is in order.

You may find that what ever reason your wife has for wanting a separation, if not due to the CDing disclosure, may be in some way related to your hiding and overcompensating for your CDing. If this is the case, the full disclosure regarding your CDing may relieve you of some internal angst and the issues your wife has that led to the desire to separate may disappear.

Just a thought, but I have no experience with therapy.

[barbara gordon]

Thank you for your kind encouragement. I am at a desperate time in my life. I am so grateful to have your ideas on my predicament. To quickly answer about my son , I am watching him and I see the repeat parts of so many stories that i have read here and all over the web about gender stuff (tg cd ts xyz..) . One big difference is that I am not and my Wife is not repremanding him , or "correcting " him . We are letting him develop his own experience with his gender stuff. He has told us that he wishes that he was a girl. That his private parts are wrong etc... BUT HE IS GREAT NO MATTER WHAT.

[MsJanessa]

One of the things we have to accept when we tell our SO about our cding is that the relationship might end--or maybe change in such a way that we want it to end. Lots of the girls on this site have posted lots of times that you must tell your SO---but the down side that many don't mention is that your SO may well want to leave you---could be because you have kept the secret from them for so long-also could be that they just are repelled by your crossdressing (for a variety of reasons) but the fact remains that there is a very good chance that your relationship will end. That's part of the risk you have to weigh when you tell someone close--anyway, I hope your wife learns to accept this side of you--good luck

[EllieOPKS]

One of my favorite quotes is "A problem well stated is half solved". I agree with the others that say a 3rd party counselor is probably the right tool to get everything out on the table. I have a gut feeling that CD might be way down the list of issues that are eroding your relationship. I wish you both the best.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Barbara!

As someone going through this right now too it is not easy. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting! I have been married 10 years to a wonderful woman who I came out to this year, that I am transgender and love women's clothing. Since I was very young I desired to live as a woman. Hiding this secret for 43 years was killing me inside to the point that every time female side came out I would start hurting myself down below to the point of almost succeeding in total castration. Since coming out my desire to transition is stronger than ever and harming myself is gone. My wife is leaving me, because she does not believe a man or woman can be transgender. She says GOD does not want me this way and I need to be even more vigilant in prayer and reading the Bible.

You are not alone in what you are going through and it is not easy to say the least. If you need to talk PM me.

Lots of HUGS

[JohnH]

I keep on harping on is my opinion one should never keep crossdressing from your SO. It's a little late for those who started crossdressing in secret, but to those who are thinking of starting, I really think that needs to be done in the open.

Johanna

[barbara gordon]

thanks to all. we are working hard on this. She still says that she wants to part . but I have hope . I have read another thread just now about the same topic. The issue of "the lie " was mentioned . I cannot think that I was lying to My wife . I told her the other day that I tried to tell he so many times over the years , long before the kids came along - early in our marriage . I was and am now terrified to tell her . Terrified . The other night was the most revealing info to date . We discussed how long I knew . She is not happy with me about this, but she tells me its okay . then she tells me she wants to seperate.....I have read so much about this , and in some ways I feel okay with who I am - and with what I do , but at thesame time I am so grossed out , and so embarrased. I never told this info face to face to anyone who didnt already understand it firsthand. and so it goes...

[Marleena]

Why not suggest counselling to her? It'll show her you care to make things work. Don't beat yourself up over the Cding you never asked for it.

[J'lyn GG]

thanks to all. we are working hard on this. She still says that she wants to part . but I have hope . I have read another thread just now about the same topic. The issue of "the lie " was mentioned . I cannot think that I was lying to My wife . I told her the other day that I tried to tell he so many times over the years , long before the kids came along - early in our marriage . I was and am now terrified to tell her . Terrified . The other night was the most revealing info to date . We discussed how long I knew . She is not happy with me about this, but she tells me its okay . then she tells me she wants to seperate.....I have read so much about this , and in some ways I feel okay with who I am - and with what I do , but at thesame time I am so grossed out , and so embarrased. I never told this info face to face to anyone who didnt already understand it firsthand. and so it goes...

Barbara, first and foremost. Even if you 'can't' think of it as lying. It was. I understand where you're coming from, but in order to help her get over the lying and loss of trust, you need to believe you lied. IMO, if you believe you didn't lie, you act like you didn't lie. If you believe you lied, you act like you lied and make amends for it, gain her trust back. You may not be able to. Unfortunately, with some people, once the trust is gone, its gone. Its not coming back.

As far as your wife saying its okay and then saying she wants to seperate. There are things that bother me about the cding and I have no idea why. Intellectually, I know its not a big deal, but, emotionally, for me, it is. Of course, this is all assuming you had a good and happy marriage to being with. If not, this is all moot.

She doesn't know what to think, what to believe, she doesn't have anyone to talk to. She is in a VERY confusing and lonely place right now. This is the time to conjure up all of your observatory superpowers. :D Pay attention to all her subtle clues. Her facial and body expression. Nothing made me feel more loved than when my husband mentioned that he thought I looked like I was having a low day, would I like to talk about it? Or that I was having a good day, what was I thinking? And hearing what I was saying, no matter how much he may have been hurt by it. I needed to be able to say what I wanted to say (in an calm manner) without the fear of hurting him. It wasn't my intention to hurt him, but sometimes, the truth hurts. But its still better than a lie.