How far do I push the limits with my SO ?

[Jessicajane]

I consider myself very fortunate to many posts I've read regarding how my wife deals with the cross-dressing element of my life, and I wonder whether the understanding we currently have is the limit or if there is a slow process of growing the acceptance levels.

I have been happily married for 18 years now and we have 3 children, with regret I did not open up to my wife over my lifelong dressing "hobby" and when it did come out after a few years (I sat her down to talk rather than have her find things) it did not exactly go down well...we talked it through and to my relief her love was sufficient to overcome reservations.....as time has passed, my wife has made it clear she does not understand or want to understand my dressing side , but she washes my girly clothes, sees the clothes ,shoes, wigs ,underwear in the walk in (she knows in a flash when I have added a new dress !!) and sleeps alongside me whilst I wear nighties and have painted nails.
She absolutely does not allow me to makeup and dress during the daytime (obviously only when the children are not there) but she knows I dress when she is out of the house and will phone ahead to ensure I have time to change before her return.

The only time she has lost it was when she found my breast forms, and threw them out !!I think she expected me to go mad...which I was, but I realised I had pushed the limit too far and had the sense to hold my tongue.

When I went to the UK recently she took the kids to Lego land, after dropping me off for a day at a dressing service, but refused to look at the photo's.

So I do have it better than some if not most, do I settle for this or do I gently over time try to develop a greater understanding and acceptance, let me know your thoughts and your experiences

[DanaR]

Instead of pushing the limit, try to understand her fears; which are real. She probably is worried about the kids, family, friends, neighbors and/or anyone else finding out, and their reaction. When my daughter found out about me, she was very hard on her mom. At one point it seemed like she was trying to break us up.

I would imagine, if your wife loves you like it appears, as time goes on she might be more receptive of your crossdressing. My wife seemed to understand more after she attended the local crossdressing group (Emerald City, in Seattle) Christmas party. I talked to her about going for three weeks and she was on the fence until the last day. She was able to see and meet other wives and seemed to have a good time. A couple of days after the event, she came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me she felt a lot better about if after going to the party.

[Kathi Lake]

Dana nailed it.

They're called 'limits' for a reason. Don't push anything. Instead, learn to either work within those limits - understanding that she may never want to move the goalposts - or mutually agree to change them, not push them.

:)

Kathi

[ShannonDragon]

Ditto to both of the above. Being a member of IXE here in Indianapolis for over 20 years, I have seen way too many "push it", and it usually did not end up pretty.

[Karren H]

Don't think your really gaining "acceptance" but she is developing tolerance... Which can snap back in a heartbeat if you go to far. Or any further... Imho.

[Jenniferathome]

My advice is not to push but rather talk. If you are not talking about the boundaries you will never know when you are nearing the limit. As you talk, you can better find what it is that bothers her most and avoid that more easily. You are very lucky, dont risk the tollerance you have. I'll add that my wife does not understand it either, but I know where her comfort zone ends. You must learn that about your wife. Good luck

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Jessica!

My wife started with limits and then went right in to change those limits by restricting them down to everything is restricted. She does love me to the point that no man should wear women's clothing or anything female. No man can be transgender, transsexual, crossdresser that is not what is meant for any ones life. I know what you are going through, but at least you can dress girl.

Hugs

[Chickhe]

My life is far from perfect, but one thing that seems to work is to not talk too much when you don't know exactly what it is you need...better to just do it slowly and try to enjoy it. Don't accept any limits you don't know you can keep, and tell her you understand her fears and will try to respect them... also show some weakness and ask her to help.

[April_Ligeia]

My ex-wife did develop tolerance, called it acceptance, and it did turn around to bite me, like Karren said. I wouldn't go so far as to say that my interest in crossdressing caused my divorce, but it was a factor. Of course now I am in a delationship where I am encouraged to dress, so, in my case, pushing the boundaries got me what I wanted but the marriage was a casualty. Something to think about.

[Sonya]

I think you are very lucky to have a tolerant wife to some degree, as you are fully aware most girls aren't as lucky as you. I only hope that i could open to my wife totally and we could also come up with some kind of agreement. Good luck

[jacky83]

Like mine she seems to be tolerant but only you can sense the limits.

[Rochelle]

Instead of pushing the limit, try to understand her fears; which are real. She probably is worried about the kids, family, friends, neighbors and/or anyone else finding out, and their reaction.

Great words of wisdom for any married girl! Right from the start when I told my wife about my crossdressing she had the wits about her to explain exactly these fears and in great detail. It was a long hard conversation but in the end I we were closer together and had a better understanding of each other than ever before. She was honored that I would share such a deep dark secrete with her, and understands more than I ever imagined about my drive. Boundries and limits were set right from the start and I have tried not to push. I did break a golden rule and wore one of her tops and it was not cool. I am so fortunate because after things cooled down including my crossdressing she went out and bought me my own tops, nail polish, jeans, shoes, so on. Again I am a very lucky girl and I am reading what you girls are saying loud and clear. Thank You! Dana talk to me sometime about Emerald City I am interested.

[DanaR]

Dana talk to me sometime about Emerald City I am interested.

PM me after you are able to receive and send PM's.

[Gillian Gigs]

Quote: "Instead of pushing the limit, try to understand her fears; which are real. She probably is worried about the kids, family, friends, neighbors and/or anyone else finding out, and their reaction". A little open and honest communication "always" comes in handy. Don't forget about her needs, and "tell her you love her every day". Speak love, show love, and do loving things, this will go farther and remove limits faster, than you pushing your luck!

[Stephenie S]

Don't "push the limits" at all.

Unless you don't like being married and want a nasty divorce.

"Limits" are just that. Limits. Don't drive more than 10 miles over the speed limit. That's a limit. Don't push it unless you are willing to take the consequences. Don't wear your bra to church. That's a limit. Don't push it unless you are willing to take the consequences.

Instead, try TALKING about your limits. You have to compromise in a marriage. If you want it all your way, be ready for the consequences.

S

[Rochelle]

This thread cost me some sleep last night and produced some inward thoughts about my OCD and just how far I have been pushing it. It's not always about dressing in front of my wife, something I am often guilty of is over communication about things I am excited about and ovbiously crossdressing is one of them. Sometimes the best thing I can do for our relationship is just shut my mouth and/or talk about something not related in any way to crossdressing. I hope that time and also this forum can help me a little with that problem.

[IamSara]

Don't "push the limits" at all.

Unless you don't like being married and want a nasty divorce.

"Limits" are just that. Limits. Don't drive more than 10 miles over the speed limit. That's a limit. Don't push it unless you are willing to take the consequences. Don't wear your bra to church. That's a limit. Don't push it unless you are willing to take the consequences.


Instead, try TALKING about your limits. You have to compromise in a marriage. If you want it all your way, be ready for the consequences.

S

I couldn't have said it better. My wife and I have done alot of talking and setting limits. Some of which are still being defined because of her understanding (not acceptance) and her love for me.
Sara

[Rachel Flowers]

If the question is "how much can I get away with" we all need to remember that nothing entitles anyone to do whatever they want. You and your wife have contracted to work together on your relationship over the rest of your lives and that means you choose to compromise some of what you need to nesure she gets part of what she needs. Push is the wrong verb, talk is the one that counts. And remember that something she agrees to on a Tuesday may be unacceptable on Wednesday and that's just how it is. Steady and careful and take each day as it comes. Your main concern needs to be her reassurance, not your licence, and that will be your highest chance of getting maximum licence, ironically!

[Stephenie S]

Oh, my. Rachel says it just right.

[Aprilrain]

And remember that something she agrees to on a Tuesday may be unacceptable on Wednesday and that's just how it is!

I would not accept this behavior from a partner in life! That Men expect such behavior from women is strange to me. I always railed against such notions of femininity when I was married and would not expect to be taken seriously if this was my approach as a woman in the future.

[DanaR]

I would not accept this behavior from a partner in life! That Men expect such behavior from women is strange to me. I always railed against such notions of femininity when I was married and would not expect to be taken seriously if this was my approach as a woman in the future.

I have to agree! If there was an agreement, then it doesn't change until you both agree. That sounds like a control issue to me.

[Just Elizabeth]

Push is the wrong verb, talk is the one that counts.


I would just add that another verb needs to be added as well. Listen.

Just Elizabeth

[DanaR]

I would just add that another verb needs to be added as well. Listen.

Just Elizabeth
This is the most important one.

[jillleanne]

Only you can make this decision, and you will. You will weigh all the pro's and con's, the internal pressures you are dealing with, and go from there. What the outcome is, is not so important as how you deal with it to satisfy you.

[ReineD]

I agree you need to change the verb. You do not want to push.

Allow me to ask you a question. So far, you dress with your wife's knowledge and approval when she is not there, she drops you off at a place that offers makeover services, you paint your nails and sleep in a nightie next to her in bed. What is it that you want, exactly?

I'm guessing you would like to be able to dress fully when your wife is around, in other words, you would like your wife to participate in the CDing?

[Jonianne]

This thread cost me some sleep last night.....

That is when you know you are growing. Listening others and applying the appropiate lessons others learned to yourself is the best way to avoid many of the heartbreaks in the future.

Sounds like you are one who knows a little bit about empathy - letting in what others feel, to the point you can make changes in your own life.

[Kaz]

Instead of limits... think boundaries... this may be semantics and a difference between national cultures, but as parents we set our kids boundaries. These are not limits because we accept that there are stretch zones and we want them to develop through them? But we have areas of tolerance, and we need to be accepting of that development?

I wish I had your situation... you are very fortunate!

[Contessa]

Yes I am trying to push the limit because, I haven't ever set any limits for my wife. I love her and I have for thirty eight years now. Before I realized I was/am a crossdressing husband, I would hide myself by not dressing when anyone was home. Yet daily I sleep in a sleep t-shirt which could be considered a gown. I fact when a friend of hers saw me in it, she laughed saying she'd never seen a man wearing a gown. We also wear thee same (her) size shoes.

My wife says she can't understand what I get out of crossdressing, I told her she isn't girly cause she can wear this stuff all the time. I would think women would be somewhat flattered. Yet I guess she just feels threatened. That if I dress and go out I'm trying to find or get some man to like or be interested in me. I've told her hey Tess ain't looking for no man. After all who else can explain that to her. I now keep my nails which have acrylic tips polished and thats where she has drawn a line. She says not to touch her with Tess's hands. So I don't until she can't stand it anymore. I keep my nails done because they remind me I can't go back to the angry and depressed and anxious stressed out person I used to be. Cause I didn't do anything for me. My dressing seems to be what has saved me. When I think of drinking too much and having a heart attack. This stuff is minor. I would rather be found out to not be a women than to have another that will do me in.

You may have read what Eryn said in a different thread that we like women so much as to wand to wear their clothes. and mostly everthing everyone has said here is true and good therapy, as will continue to wear pantyhose a bra and panties probably just like her. Unless the weather says tights. I have some of those too.

[Rochelle]

Thanks Jonianne!
I do try to take the information and experiences from this forum and digest them into useful knowledge for myself and/or family. As is said in another group "take what you can and leave the rest!"
I love my wife and I believe that I have a more unusal situation that most. It's by complete coincidence that my wife had a failed previous marriage were her ex turned homosexual and was TG. Of all the luck! So I have a wife w/ not only experience in these issues but also some very huge fears and realities about what can happen. I didn't understand what really happened to the marriage until I came out to her and we had the talk of all talks. To be honest it scared the crap out of me! Sometime I don't know if she is acting in true acceptance/approval or acceptance fear. And the cherry on top...I am also a caregiver for my wife. There you have it 10 posts and my cards are on the table. (trying not to bite my nails)

[Jessicajane]

Allow me to ask you a question. So far, you dress with your wife's knowledge and approval when she is not there, she drops you off at a place that offers makeover services, you paint your nails and sleep in a nightie next to her in bed. What is it that you want, exactly?

ReineD,

You may well have hit a nail on the head...I' not truly sure what I want..I have more freedom now than ever before, and whilst Joanne does not like it or understand it she is tolerant for the sake of our marriage...I have lots in life I should be really gratefull for and yet I feel there is something missing..I just dont know what...Im struggling with attitudes here...the lack of cd friendly facilities, and in truth I think I am lonely for someone to talk closely with...this forum is great but it is not the same as having some one you can sit down with ,face to face and have a drink and chat openly with...of course my wife is there for me in day to day things, but I am feeling a different need to anythinhg I have experienced before...I crave some understanding..what I probably need is a CD group...but there does not appear to be one in Adelaide...not that I have found anyway.

[Maria in heels]

Jessica...you are a very lucky person, and I have to agree that "pushing the limits " is a very bad choice of words to use in regards to your wife. You, lust as I am, are one of the few lucky ones, and there is much tolerance being given towards dressing, and in fact, her dropping you off at a dressing service while she took the kids elsewhere is the same as my weekend trips alone to our weekend home.

Your wife is amazing...allowing you to dress during your own time, allowing your clothes and shoes to be in the closet, and most importantly ,sleeping next to you while you wear a nightie to bed,,,,truly amazing. Why is there up the need to push anything? I am confused....what mo do you want? Is it that you want her to participate? Is there something special that you are looking for from her? In reality, she is participating with your dressing already, but at HER level, which should be respected.

Now if you are looking to take things farther with yourself, thinking about transitioning or going full time to start, I would recommend a good, long sit down with her, to explain your feelings, because it would not be fair to her to just a drops. This bombshell thru actions, and not be kind enough to explain and tell her what your goals are. T his would cause great resentment in her I'm sure, so if this isn't the goal that you have, just let her proceed at her own pace....she is doing all that she can for YOU.

Sorry if this feels like a lecture, it's not...just a pointing out some facts for you

[Angela2me]

Jessica,

You are not alone. There are others in Adelaide. Me included. There is also a social group that has regular social activities.
I will try to PM you my mobile number.

Angela

[SallyS]

I try to keep things in 'balance'. My wife knew about my CD'ing, before we where married (over 20 years ago).

She has always accepted that it's just a part of who I am, but is not actively involved with my dressing up.

I know my limitations, and that means keeping it a private matter between me and her (and the 1000's of members on this forum:)). She is OK'ish about it, but I know not to go too far, whatever 'too far' is??? I do have to keep it from my 4 kids (4 -17 in age), but that's perfectly understandable.

We talk openly about what she does and doesn't mind about be cross dressing, and that's what works for us.

I always find it best to try and understand how my wife feels before I expose my own feelings.

Ultimately it boils down to what is most important to you? Many people choose to live the life that suits them, without the worry of a partner. But that's not the choice I'd make, I accept the compromise of what sort of life I might choose , and the actual life I lead......hence I'm still married:)